Dark Posted October 18, 2008 Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 I wrote this poem today, and it is about how I am suffering from the flu right now. Your arms are shaking,Your heart is breaking,Everything is bringing you down... Your legs are falling,Beneath the ceiling,I wonder where I am right now... Your life is going,Down, down under,Where am I going now... Your mind unweaving,Your feet are leaving,Into the darkest of dark... Where does the pain go?Where does the pain go-o-o-o... I need,Some sunshine in this life,Something happy, in this light,Something to hold, hold as my own,And I need it now to show... That I need,My friends beside me,Something other than the pain and greive,Something to warmth the cold inside,And I need it now to show... Where does the pain go?Where does the pain go-o-o-o... This life is nothing but, pain and sorrowing,This life is nothing but, coldness closing in,This life is nothing but, everything I need,This life is coming fast, coming to my aid... Where does the pain go?Where does the pain go-o-o-o... I need you beside me,To tell me I'm alright,I need you beside me,To help me in this fight.... fight.... Where does the pain go?Where does the pain go-o-o-o... I hope you guys like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoshIcy Posted October 18, 2008 Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 You have no rhythm in this :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
「tea.leaf」 Posted October 18, 2008 Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 Oh God, I'm dying from a disease, QQ MOAR. Sounds like crappy lyrics from some crappy emo band. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted October 18, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 You have no rhythm in this :/ What's your point? I wrote this for me' date=' and not for critics who wanna criticize this. Oh God, I'm dying from a disease, QQ MOAR. Sounds like crappy lyrics from some crappy emo band. A. I am NOT Emo.B. This are MY lyrics, not copied from anywhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoshIcy Posted October 18, 2008 Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 You have no rhythm in this :/ What's your point? I wrote this for me' date=' and not for critics who wanna criticize this. [/quote'] Then have this locked now.If you cannot take criticism, you do not belong posting a thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
「tea.leaf」 Posted October 18, 2008 Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 Oh God' date=' I'm dying from a disease, QQ MOAR. Sounds like crappy lyrics from some crappy emo band.[/quote'] A. I am NOT Emo.B. This are MY lyrics, not copied from anywhere. 1. From this crap it most certainly sounds like you ARE. 2. I don't give a crap, they still suck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrabHelmet Posted October 18, 2008 Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 I hope you guys like it. You have no rhythm in this :/ What's your point? I wrote this for me' date=' and not for critics who wanna criticize this.[/quote'] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted October 18, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 I hope you guys like it. I hope you guys are not jerks and criticize it by saying random things. You have no rhythm in this :/ What's your point? I wrote this for me' date=' and not for critics who wanna criticize this.[/quote'] Why did you quote these posts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrabHelmet Posted October 18, 2008 Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 I hope you guys like it. I hope you guys are not jerks and criticize it by saying random things. You have no rhythm in this :/ What's your point? I wrote this for me' date=' and not for critics who wanna criticize this.[/quote'] Why did you quote these posts? Observe the inherent contradiction. Initially, you care what others think, but when others criticize you, you immediately claim not to care what anyone else thinks. The truth is that you do care, but are claiming not to, or possibly even don't want to, because nobody likes your attempt at writing poetry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted October 18, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 I hope you guys like it. I hope you guys are not jerks and criticize it by saying random things. You have no rhythm in this :/ What's your point? I wrote this for me' date=' and not for critics who wanna criticize this.[/quote'] Why did you quote these posts? Observe the inherent contradiction. Initially, you care what others think, but when others criticize you, you immediately claim not to care what anyone else thinks. The truth is that you do care, but are claiming not to, or possibly even don't want to, because nobody likes your attempt at writing poetry. Ahem. Read the BOLDED statement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrabHelmet Posted October 18, 2008 Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 I hope you guys like it. I hope you guys are not jerks and criticize it by saying random things. You have no rhythm in this :/ What's your point? I wrote this for me' date=' and not for critics who wanna criticize this.[/quote'] Why did you quote these posts? Observe the inherent contradiction. Initially, you care what others think, but when others criticize you, you immediately claim not to care what anyone else thinks. The truth is that you do care, but are claiming not to, or possibly even don't want to, because nobody likes your attempt at writing poetry. Ahem. Read the BOLDED statement. That statement was not in your opening post, and as of right now, it is not (although I suspect you're about to go back and edit it in as a pathetic attempt to cover yourself while trying to make me appear to be the foolish one). At any rate, this proves my point - you only say you care what other people think when they like what you write, and prefer to stick your fingers in your ears (or eyes, since this is a forum) when they're being honest about your writing ability. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted October 18, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 I hope you guys like it. I hope you guys are not jerks and criticize it by saying random things. You have no rhythm in this :/ What's your point? I wrote this for me' date=' and not for critics who wanna criticize this.[/quote'] Why did you quote these posts? Observe the inherent contradiction. Initially, you care what others think, but when others criticize you, you immediately claim not to care what anyone else thinks. The truth is that you do care, but are claiming not to, or possibly even don't want to, because nobody likes your attempt at writing poetry. Ahem. Read the BOLDED statement. That statement was not in your opening post, and as of right now, it is not (although I suspect you're about to go back and edit it in as a pathetic attempt to cover yourself while trying to make me appear to be the foolish one). At any rate, this proves my point - you only say you care what other people think when they like what you write, and prefer to stick your fingers in your ears (or eyes, since this is a forum) when they're being honest about your writing ability. The bolded statement was intended in the thread. Infer much? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 .....Every man must live to critisicm, or thou shall not improve whatsoever ~PikachuIt's ok, just give it some sort of beat or rhythm, maybe a song? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoshIcy Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 @DarkDragonX: You justified my statement.It was in merit, as you would have to infer what I said. Go ahead, read your poem. And tell me if there is any rhythm in it. Because there isn't. You cant read this properly at all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skarlet Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 A little dark, but I dont see why ppl are critisizing you for it< I acctualy like it, granted I AM semi-emo, but hey you are a pretty good poet buddy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoshIcy Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 I wrote this poem today' date=' and it is about how I am suffering from the flu right now. [i']Your arms are shaking,Your heart is breaking,Everything is bringing you down... Your legs are falling,Beneath the ceiling,I wonder where I am right now... Your life is going,Down, down under,Where am I going now... Your mind unweaving,Your feet are leaving,Into the darkest of dark... Where does the pain go?Where does the pain go-o-o-o... I need,Some sunshine in this life,Something happy, in this light,Something to hold, hold as my own,And I need it now to show... That I need,My friends beside me,Something other than the pain and greive,Something to warmth the cold inside,And I need it now to show... Where does the pain go?Where does the pain go-o-o-o... This life is nothing but, pain and sorrowing,This life is nothing but, coldness closing in,This life is nothing but, everything I need,This life is coming fast, coming to my aid... Where does the pain go?Where does the pain go-o-o-o... I need you beside me,To tell me I'm alright,I need you beside me,To help me in this fight.... fight.... Where does the pain go?Where does the pain go-o-o-o...[/i] I hope you guys like it. A little dark' date=' but I dont see why ppl are critisizing you for it< I acctualy like it, granted I AM semi-emo, but hey you are a pretty good poet buddy[/quote'] Bolded is the errors and mess-ups. Even on his attempt. Which is a VAST Majority of his "poem".There is a few more, but I am lazy... So meh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 I read the first few versesthere is a bit of rhythm, but not enoughtry harder, DarkDragonX! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted October 19, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 You guys are missing the point of this thread, I wrote this because I am sick right now. Not to entertain you with a catchy tune and non-EMO lyrics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoshIcy Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 You guys are missing the point of this thread' date=' I wrote this because I am sick right now. Not to entertain you with a catchy tune and non-EMO lyrics.[/quote'] You are missing the point of a thread. Ooh, and your Stanza's are not even. Making it further difficult to read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaotix® Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 Emo much? Anyways, I like it, a bit. It doesn't really have too much rythm, and my little brother started laughing at me when I read this out loud =/ Nice try anyhow :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 You guys are missing the point of this thread' date=' I wrote this because I am sick right now. Not to entertain you with a catchy tune and non-EMO lyrics.[/quote']If you're sick, talk about you being sickIf you're posting a poem, we're rating and commenting on your poem.But if you insist, I shallHow's your flu? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
「tea.leaf」 Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 A little dark' date=' but I dont see why ppl are critisizing you for it< I acctualy like it, granted I AM semi-emo, but hey you are a pretty good poet buddy[/quote'] Read better poetry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
:^) Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 I like it. Maybe because I'm going emo slowly, living in a house with 4 men. T_T Mum moved to England. I stayed with dad. Oh dear god why? Free Chocolate, Mum, Free Chocolate. I feel like Chocolate. T_T Anyway...I like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 ^ lulzthis thread is to 'discuss' about his 'flu'I say eat more tablets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted October 20, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 IT'S NOT AN EMO POEM. HAVE YOU EVER HAD THE FLU? It sucks!!! o.O Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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