Pikachu Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 I iz english genius! XD Anyways, for our homework, we watched a movie called 'Young Sherlock Holmes', and we had to write our own story of what would happen if we got hit by a 'thorn'. (In the movie, the assasin blows a thorn into someone which causes a quite real illusion, and afterwards, the person dies.) So...how is this story (it's a SHORT story)? It was a fine night in my house as I was playing the latest computer game ‘Undead Wars’. It was an excellent game; I played for about at least 2 hours. Suddenly, a sharp tingle went through my neck: a thorn had hit me by no reason. I got a tissue and pulled it out, and put a nice, clean bandage on the wound. I played for a few more minutes until what was a game became a reality. The screen exploded, and out came an undead warrior who wielded a sword and shield. He jumped out of my desk and onto the floor. I was stunned at that moment, trying to get up to my feet. As the undead walked closer to me, I was struggling to get up; due to the fact that a large undead beast was in front of you makes you want to scream out loud. I got a plastic toy lightsaber from my drawer and stood up. I wielded my lightsaber as the undead leaped on me. I fell down. The tough bones were squeezing my stomach and the pain was nearly unbearable. I pushed the undead off his feet. The skeleton body collapsed to the ground in a messy pile of bones. I fainted after the undead was gone. When I woke up, the pile of bones was gone. It was a dream. I suddenly realised that the thorn caused this nearly real illusion. But, it was a great experience I had. I stood up and continued playing my game. When I slept, I closed my eyes and covered myself with a thick blanket. Suddenly, I heard a soft growling noise. As I turned on the light, the undead warrior reappeared again. The illusion was not over. I spent 15 minutes on it XD Discuss ~Pikachu Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyber Altair Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 English Homework? If I submitted that I'd get scolded at for it being too short and not being fit to be submitted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted October 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 1. I'm Year 82. It's a SHORT story3. Meh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tiger Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 It seems alright ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bakura Vessal Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 1. I'm Year 82. It's a SHORT story3. Meh i iz year 7 and i do bigger storys then that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted October 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 Please read rule no. 2Then, comment again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Death Metal Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 Seems fine to me. Good job =D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted October 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 Thank you ^_^But I found some errors, will fix. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SliferMigi Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 It's alright. Try to vary sentence starters, I have had this drilled into me over the span of two years so I tend to notice it quite alot. You used "I" seven times, over a longer period of time the that wopuld be alright but in about, what? 100 words? I'd have been told to do it again.Also, try to use commas instead of just putting a full stop then a new sentence.I notice you used a ";" which is good.Keep at it and you'll be great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted October 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 well thank youI shall keep that in mindnow, I'm in Chinaso good night *sleeps* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyub Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 1. I'm Year 82. It's a SHORT story3. Meh i iz year 7 and i do bigger storys then that I iz Year 8, and my short stories last around 4 A4 pages if I can't be bothered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benraino Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 You have a some awkward sentencing, mainly in the beginning. You have a good start, however you could easily make this longer and better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seta Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 It's allright Pikachu-san ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silent Hunter™ Posted October 24, 2008 Report Share Posted October 24, 2008 Its not bad, its actually alright. Good Job ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted October 25, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2008 Yayz!Oh yea, the teacher said one page only O.O no more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sbamber Posted October 25, 2008 Report Share Posted October 25, 2008 1. I'm Year 82. It's a SHORT story3. Meh i iz year 7 and i do bigger storys then that I'm 8, and I do bigger than that. I did huge 11 page stories for class. But, that is because I love to write! Also, very nice story. I love to write, so it is good to hear what other people write about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted October 25, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2008 ^ awesome XDBut as said...the teacher told me to ONLY write ONE PAGE.Dunno why, he's lazy O.O Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2sick4u Posted October 25, 2008 Report Share Posted October 25, 2008 I didn't like it, but then again, I'm not used to the Year 8 standard. As for advice, I'd say you should focus on being more descriptive. Your writing's to blunt without it, and the picture it paints doesn't exactly help it entertain. Especially near the ending, for your plot twist would of been a HELL of a lot more suspenseful if you elaborated. Providing more explanation would also cause more length, resulting in the illusion of more events in your story. Wouldn't hurt to have a thesaurus with you, either. You know, keep an extensive vocab. So. For your first sentence, where you put: It was a fine night in my house as I was playing the latest computer game 'Undead Wars'. It was an excellent game; I played for about at least two hours. You could say, if you were trying to set a spooky atmosphere: Light rain drizzled upon my bedroom window. The haunted luminescent glow; drafted from the moon continued shining through as it painted my room a pale purple. I took careful note of this as I laid quivering under my sheets. "Don't think scary thoughts. Don't think scary thoughts.' I kept repeating to myself, eagerly trying to avoid dipping into my common paranoid state. It obviously wasn't working, I could confidently say. Every time I turned my head, I got the feeling that wherever I stopped looking now had the chance to house some sort of unexpected horror. I needed something, something to take my mind off of the lonely, dark and empty space that was now my house. "I KNOW!" I yelled aloud. "VIDEO GAMES! I mean, it should keep my mind from going crazy." I wasn't worried about making a ruckus, or a lot of noise for that matter. It was Thursday, which meant my parent's would be going out to subdue their sudden Bingo craze. Humph, nuts to them. They didn't even feel guilty leaving me here to fend for myself. [...] ^Something like that. I dunno, I've never been the best story writer, either. =/. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.:|Fallen|:. Posted October 25, 2008 Report Share Posted October 25, 2008 i like it^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vandalgiion Posted October 25, 2008 Report Share Posted October 25, 2008 good story,man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted October 25, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2008 2sick, you're the best critic around ^_^and thanks guys! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted October 27, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 BUMP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atomix Posted October 27, 2008 Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 I'm year 8 too (wow) but in our school, a short story is 2 or more pages long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bakura Vessal Posted October 28, 2008 Report Share Posted October 28, 2008 Please read rule no. 2Then' date=' comment again[/quote'] 2.) No illegal content. How is that illegal? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sixty Posted October 29, 2008 Report Share Posted October 29, 2008 Seems a bit bland. :/ Listen to 2sick's advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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