Careless Whisper Posted November 19, 2008 Report Share Posted November 19, 2008 Walking across the ocean shore,hand-in-hand, our love strolls ever more.Alone we'll be, as if destiny was made,For us to be together with only love and all else fade. Your eyes are the fruit of my attention,as they twinkle like the stars within the twilight sky.As if your beauty can't shine any brighterthan the very light within our joyous cry. As it always will strike me,this love of ours will pierce like spears,into the hearts of us two lovers,with only the communication of tears. Your sight is all I shall crave, along with your love above the skies,as I hope to never find the keybecause I am lost in your eyes. yeah...just a little poem that I wrote for my girlfriend, Abbie. it's fitting in my opinion, becasue she was crying with joy when I asked her to be mine. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigma Posted November 19, 2008 Report Share Posted November 19, 2008 Wow,best Poem I've Seen in my entire life..... can i rate this? i want to Rate it 10/10! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Death Metal Posted November 19, 2008 Report Share Posted November 19, 2008 It's all luvey and gooey and warm and fuzzy. In all honestly I found it kinda unoriginal. The poem isn't bad but I feel you could have done better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raelen Posted November 19, 2008 Report Share Posted November 19, 2008 :cry: It's so emotional!!Great poem! It is a bit "sappy", though, but that's my only complaint, but then again, I'm not your girlfriend. I'm sure she'll love it!Keep writing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CinnamonStar Posted November 21, 2008 Report Share Posted November 21, 2008 I'm glad that you have a girlfriend now and she surely likes this.=3 Thus, I will try not to sound too harsh, simply out of respect for your feelings.First point, I'm not an aestheticist, but the randomness of the form is quite picking me. The length of your stanzas and effort to make them rhyme show that you did pay some attention to the overall structure, yet the rhythme and rhymes are disposed in a rather random way.About the content, it goes without saying that there are some admirable intents behind the verses, however, the problem with lvoe poems is that they are often cliched. The imagery here only ranges from the sky to the eyes and is developped rather poorly. I don't have any problems with the 2nd and 4th stanzas, they are even rather good, but for the rest, you visibly focussed too much on making the verses rhyme.On a whole, this poem is better than the last one you posted (the captain's prophecy thing which was so shoddy that I didn't even comment) and it's definitely very touching, but it needs some work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragnarok1945 Posted November 21, 2008 Report Share Posted November 21, 2008 Clearly a heartfelt poem, have to rank it at least 9.9 out of 10 right off the bat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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