Depression - What has TRULY been going on.

[Jesus]

Hello, YCM. As for those of you have read my "Love - An Empty Emotion" thread, I promised within that thread that I would post of what has been going through my head since the breakup, that way YCM could get a better understanding of where I am coming from with the whole 'Love is pointless' thing. So, here we go.

 

NOTE: This thread will contain somewhat profanity (Not Much), and every 'Saga' so to speak, is contained within a Spoiler. So please, bear with me, as you read what's truly been going through my mind.

 

[spoiler=The Beginning Saga]Well, let’s start this off as well as I possibly can. We started dating around the beginning of school, probably about 5 days, maybe a week, after it started. I really enjoyed that we were dating, and I never had anybody else. I was so happy. After about a month, she wanted to come over my house. I was really nervous about asking my parents if she could, so I did, and they said yes. So for my Birthday, we went to the State Penitentiary in Philadelphia. That was fun, the car ride was the best part. Still, after that, she really wanted to come over. So, after about 3 days of stalling, I went into my Mother’s room to ask her, but she was sitting there crying. She had told me that my Grandmother had Rectal Cancer for the second time in her life, and this time, there was a slim chance of making it. You see, my family and I live with my Grandmother, she owns the house. My Grandmother has a stroke, and is paralyzed, so she cannot take care of herself, so my mother volunteered at a young age to take care of her until death. And if she dies, we have to move to someplace far away, like North Carolina, or possibly even Oklahoma. That is a very far place from New Jersey, where I grew up. So I couldn’t ask my parents.. I just couldn’t. It was too difficult, and it was probably too stressful for them. I just couldn’t sit there and put all of that pressure on them. So I just gave my mom a hug, and walked away. The next day, my Girlfriend had asked me what was their response. I had told her that my Grandmother was dying due to Rectal Cancer, and she just had a dismal look on her face and said ’Oh.. That didn’t answer my question, what did they say?”. I had told her that I didn’t ask, it was too stressful for them. She just got mad at walked away. I didn’t know what to do. Everything was fine for a couple weeks, then one day in Gym, she got my friend Liz to tell me that she wanted to breakup. Me, being in Denial, told Liz that if she truly did want to, she would come and do it herself. She did. I acted as if I didn’t care, not showing emotion. If I showed even an ounce, I knew I would burst out in tears. So I just walked away. We had broken up, and I was a scared little child, violently shaking to myself, as to what I did wrong, and what to do next.

 

 

[spoiler=The MySpace Saga]After the break-up, I was still violently shaking to myself, even weeks after it. She was on my MySpace friend’s list, and out of anger because she wouldn’t talk to me, I deleted her. I was so aggravated.. And then, about 2 days later, I sent her another friend’s request. She had denied it, time after time, and eventually she just accepted it. We started talking, and I asked her if she would at least be my friend and talk to me in School. She just said no, and cursed at me. I started to cry. After about of week of chit-chat after that moment, I asked again. More Cursing and ‘No.’ I started to cry again. I tried again about a week later, and she said that she would talk to me in Gym. I was a bit happy. She said about 2 words to me, and I was a bit aggravated that she only said two words. So we started talking again for a little bit, words and words at a time. Eventually she started to talk to me in full conversations, and then I decided that maybe if I tried to get back together with her, that maybe I’ll stop obsessing over this and move on with my life. I asked, and all I got was ‘NO.’. It was extremely hurtful. I started crying again, and decided that maybe love wasn’t worth it. My inner-self told me otherwise, and I just took a nap while listening to DragonForce, and I fell into sweet slumber..

 

 

[spoiler=The Crush Saga]Now, this part of what’s been going in was a bit interesting. After about a month and a half of me crying to myself, trying to figure out was wrong, I had come to the conclusion that if I try to look for somebody else, that maybe I’ll get over this, and possibly make her jealous to bits. So there was this one, very nice, quiet, cheerleader that for some reason, was only talking to me. And this girl is extremely quiet, she’s been going to my school for about 5 years, and I’ve only heard her speak about 7 words total. This year she happened to be my in my English Class, and I was happily surprised that she was talking to me in full conversations. We had a lot of things in common, and I was a bit surprised. The best part is, is that she was my neighbor, and she rode my bus. She quite literarily lived a block away, and I asked myself if this was done by fate, or was it god messing with me again. I just ignored myself and lived for the moment. I believed it to be love at first sight, so I just sat there and believed my own lies. A few days later I asked her if she had a MySpace, but she said no she doesn’t. So I just posted a bulletin on MySpace about how it was a cheerleader and how it was a step up from the last girlfriend. About 2 weeks later, she told me that she knew who it was. I had only told 4 people that I trust, and they I didn’t think they would tell anybody. She said that nobody told her, that she had known who it was because she was in her homeroom. Monday, during homeroom, she had told her. She had told my ex-girlfriend that she didn’t like me, and then my ex-girlfriend has the nerve to tell me about it with an attitude. I was so pissed off! At that point, I realized that relationships aren’t worth anything, especially since ex-girlfriends ruin everything. She was just talking to me, and I felt like we were really connecting. About a week after that, one of my close friends had told me who she likes, and the funny thing is; he was in my homeroom. I considered it Karma, and I know I should have probably told him, but I didn’t say a word to him. I was the better person. I wonder still If I did the right thing.. But alas, she had asked him, and he had said no. I geuss I let karma settle itself. Everybody had told me that they would have told him, but I geuss I’m just different.

 

 

[spoiler=The Profanity Saga] This was just recent. About 2 weeks of her getting rejected, we just started talking again. Full conversations in Gym. For some reason, she had cursed me out on MySpace, and threatened to “stab the ‘you-know-what’ out of me.” So I had just responded “Lawl K”. About 2 hours later, she started talking to me on MySpace again and asked me if I still liked her. My exact words were “No. The feeling inside of me that still wanted to date you died about 2 hours ago.”. She just said “Ohh..” and started talking about dyeing her hair. About 2 days later ( 12/9/08 to 12/11/08 ) she cursed me out because I had sent a bunch of people friend requests, and most of them happened to be women. It was worse then any time before, you must realize that I’m very sensitive, and I do care about what people think of me. She called me words like “whore” and “slut”. It was very hurtful. I just tried to keep my cool, and be calm, and not to use profanity, and to use proper sentence structure. In the end she just asked why I wasn’t trying to make her made or make her cry. I just told her that I’m not that kind of person, and she started talking about her hair again.

 

 

[spoiler=The Random Saga [b]~NEW~[/b]]Well, throughout yesterday and today, I was continously getting slapped by her. *Not Hard, just lightly*. It got annoying so I had asked her to stop, but she just kept doing it. I just ignored it. So during lunch, about 3 hours after Gym (where I was getting slapped), she walked up to me and slapped me, really, really hard. My friends Matthew and Holly just got up out of instict and started to hold me back, when I was to pissed off to really get up and hit her. I'm glad I didn't, because during SRP, the next period, I said some things to my friend Aaron I probably shouldn't have. But that matters not. Well, I stayed after today for Yugioh Club, where we duel and such, and she decided to stay after for that. What motivated her, I do not know, but it probably had something to do with Aaron. Everybody in the club, including the Juniors and Seniors demanded that I talked to her in a nice manner. She was on her period, so I was like "Ahhh HELLLL no." Besides, I was still pissed off that she had slapped me that hard. She started to curse at me, so I just ignored it and played Yugioh with mah Plant Deck, one a few times, then she wanted to duel me. I'm like "wtf she plays yugioh? weird.." and she used some sort of Random Burn deck that was really horrible. Of course I won, but I actually had fun. We laughed, and acted like civilized friends. It was so weird.. I don't really know what all this means, but ok. =/

 

 

 

This will be updated as it goes, eventually whenever stuff gets to be boring, I’ll have it locked.

 

So for now, Let’s ask a few questions for everybody:

 

1) Did I do anything wrong here? If so, what?

2) In this aspect, who is the more mature one?

3) Is she just toying with my emotions?

4) Why is she doing this?

5) Why won’t she talk to me?

6) Should I have told the dude that she liked that she liked him?

 

More questions will be updated, please, post any theories of why she won’t talk to me, or what’s she’s doing.

 

Many Thanks, and I will update this as much as I can.

 

~IFL

[Lazer Yoshi]

Sorry man, :(

I think you should just take a Break from Girls. That's what I did. It worked ^_^. Maybe do something to get if off your mind. Nerf Guns, Videogames, Computer Games, Sports, Funny TV, Christmas Shows, anything.

I know how you feel, as my Girlfriend broke up with me just to get her old Boyfriend back. I'm pretty P***ed, and it's been 4 Months since it happened. But, I don't let it take over me.

So, if you need anything, PM me =D

-Yoshi

[Jesus]

..^ Thanks Lazer.

 

You didn't answer of the questions though >_>

[Bloodrun]

I can't help but laugh.

The fact that ONE break-up can drive a man kid, to do all this, is just.. well.. so predictable this day in age >_>

[Jesus]

Laugh all you want.

 

I'm 15 years old, and I've trusted somebody with my heart, and they crushed it. Thus, I'm depressed.

 

I'm sure if you were my age, You'd be depressed too.

[Lazer Yoshi]

Oh, okay. Here they are :D

[spoiler=Questions]

1) Did I do anything wrong here? If so, what? Well, maybe you should have gone over to her house. But, if she can't feel sorry for your Grandma starting to die, she's not a good Girlfriend.

2) In this aspect, who is the more mature one? You. She's being a Butthole because she can.

3) Is she just toying with my emotions? Well, perhaps. She's probably a Bully of some sort.

4) Why is she doing this? Like before, just trying to Push you around. Or that you didn't let her come over. But your Grandma was dying, you had a Reason for it. She does not have a reaosn to act that way. .

5) Why won’t she talk to me? Probably because you guys aren't together anymore. And maybe MySpace isn't the best thing to do for a Relationship, as asking over and over "Will you Date me?" will not really help too much. But you needed a Friend that you could talk to, so, yeah.

6) Should I have told the dude that she liked that she liked him? Well, yes. If He dates Her, you guys will stop Fighting, and you can get on with life ^_^.

 

 

Hope I helped.. :mrgreen:

[Jesus]

..^ It helped somewhat, thanks Lazer.

[Bloodrun]

Laugh all you want.

 

I'm 15 years old' date=' and I've trusted somebody with my heart, and they crushed it. Thus, I'm depressed.

 

I'm sure if you were my age, You'd be depressed too.

[/quote']

 

That's the thing, you 15!!!

15 isn't the age for "giving your heart"

It's the time you get tastes of relationship here and there.

Which is why the legal age for sex is above 18, because younger kids don't understand the meaning of a relationship, and or, how to control it.

[Jesus]

Laugh all you want.

 

I'm 15 years old' date=' and I've trusted somebody with my heart, and they crushed it. Thus, I'm depressed.

 

I'm sure if you were my age, You'd be depressed too.

[/quote']

 

That's the thing, you 15!!!

15 isn't the age for "giving your heart"

It's the time you get tastes of relationship here and there.

Which is why the legal age for sex is above 18, because younger kids don't understand the meaning of a relationship, and or, how to control it.

 

I understand that; in fact; I agree with it now. But unfortunatly, lust kicked in due to puberty, and one thing led to another, and BAM. Relationship. =/

[Bloodrun]

Laugh all you want.

 

I'm 15 years old' date=' and I've trusted somebody with my heart, and they crushed it. Thus, I'm depressed.

 

I'm sure if you were my age, You'd be depressed too.

[/quote']

 

That's the thing, you 15!!!

15 isn't the age for "giving your heart"

It's the time you get tastes of relationship here and there.

Which is why the legal age for sex is above 18, because younger kids don't understand the meaning of a relationship, and or, how to control it.

 

I understand that; in fact; I agree with it now. But unfortunatly, lust kicked in due to puberty, and one thing led to another, and BAM. Relationship. =/

 

Your lusting, not loving.

Watch, in about 3 weeks, you will see another girl you like, and "BAM" your lusting again.

[Jesus]

I realize I'm just lusting. And I've alredy 'seen' another girl that I like, it's all stated in the first post..

 

Did you even read any of the first post? =/

[Bloodrun]

I realize I'm just lusting. And I've alredy 'seen' another girl that I like' date=' it's all stated in the first post..

 

Did you even read any of the first post? =/

[/quote']

 

Yeah I read it, and I formed an opinion, expressed in my post.

[Jesus]

Then if you truly did read it, why did you just state the obvious by posting what was alredy said by me in the first post?

[ragnarok1945]

Laugh all you want.

 

I'm 15 years old' date=' and I've trusted somebody with my heart, and they crushed it. Thus, I'm depressed.

 

I'm sure if you were my age, You'd be depressed too.

[/quote']

 

That's the thing, you 15!!!

15 isn't the age for "giving your heart"

It's the time you get tastes of relationship here and there.

Which is why the legal age for sex is above 18, because younger kids don't understand the meaning of a relationship, and or, how to control it.

 

How right you are Bloodrun. I remember when I was 15 and saw many of my friends getting their crushes. Although the vast majority did not began their pursuit until they were 16 or 17, a few did try it at age 15.

 

But all they could comprehend out of the relationship is make out sessions and constant dating. All they could see out of the picture are the fun parts of a relationship.

 

The ones who pursued it later on began to see it isn't as easy it they thought it would be: work schedules, communication problems, and even the sheer stress of what they have to endure every day at school.

 

This is why when you're below 18, you'd only be able to see a fragment of the picture. When you're older, you'd understand the relationship you're pursuing is much more complicated than you think it is

[Jesus]

That's wonderful.

 

Now, if you guys could kindly answer to questions I've provided, I'd greatly appreciate it :).

[Bloodrun]

Then if you truly did read it' date=' why did you just state the obvious by posting what was alredy said by me in the first post?

[/quote']

 

"A man can write a book, and still not know the true context. Until that book is read to him, he will stay utterly lost."

[Jesus]

That's very deep, Bloodrun. That is very true. Maybe I should search through my emotions to see what is truly going on.

 

Also, could you please answer the questions provided?

[Bloodrun]

1) Did I do anything wrong here? If so, what?

Yes, you continued to run towards a lie.

 

2) In this aspect, who is the more mature one?

This is a toughy, but you, as long as you quit crying.

 

3) Is she just toying with my emotions?

Right now, she is pissed, because other guys keep telling her no, she is use to saying no and yes. You were the only guy who said yes to her, so what she is trying to do, is get back in goods with you, only to turn around and become the commander.

 

4) Why is she doing this?

Read answer 3.

 

5) Why won’t she talk to me?

Who is she? ex-girlfriend? or the toehr cheer leader? If its the ex, she doesn't want to admit that she was wrong.

 

6) Should I have told the dude that she liked that she liked him?

Yes, all is fair, in love and war.

[Jesus]

..^ Thanks Bloodrun. I appreciate it, I'll try to stop crying over it. =/

 

And yeah, it's the ex who won't talk to me, the cheerleader is continueing to talk to me, even though she knows I like her. Although she hasn't really brought it up, so Idk.

[ragnarok1945]

1. If you did, it's probably with that girl and the fact that you're pursuing the wrong one.

 

2. You, but you have to learn how to let go.

 

3 and 4: when someone becomes angry, their emotions and judgment are affect and that is why she is saying such things. If she didn't really mean it, she should make that clear in time.

 

5. Some girls are incapable of swallowing their pride and admitting they are wrong. They always seek to blame someone else on the matter, no matter how unreasonable it is to everyone else (because it's reasonable from her POV)

 

6. That depends. You truly feel you can win her back?

[Careless Whisper]

Laugh all you want.

 

I'm 15 years old' date=' and I've trusted somebody with my heart, and they crushed it. Thus, I'm depressed.[/b']

 

I'm sure if you were my age, You'd be depressed too.

 

And thus lies your problem. You seem to think that becasue you are so young, it would be the end of the world. No, my good sir, it is not. School relationships are not likely to last forever. I do not expect that my relationship with Abbie will last forever, but I am willing to make the best with her, no matter what happens, I would try my best to keep her for as long as possible, and it is so far doing exceptionally well.

 

You are still in the middle of your largest developement to ever come in life. Puberty can be hard times, there are few who cannot servive puberty because it can drive a kid to the exact edges of death itself. The depression you are feeling is not of a heartbreak, but of the lose of your old friend, who you used to care very deeply about. Do not let your grief and dispair overcome what other possiblities you have left. If this girl flames you after breaking up with you, or disrespects you in anyway or time, then perhaps she is not the one meant for you. Be patient, young child, love will find its way back to your heart.

[Jesus]

...^ That was deep Meti. *cries*.

 

Could you possibly answer the questions that I've posted?

 

@Ragnarok: No, I feel like I wouldn't be able to. She probably doesn't want to anyway. =/

[Careless Whisper]

...^ That was deep Meti. *cries*.

 

Could you possibly answer the questions that I've posted?

 

Alas, child, perhaps answers to those questions are not needed. The one you have lost is not the one meant for you. That is the only answer you need, thus you must move on instead of dwelling in a miserable mistake.

[ragnarok1945]

...^ That was deep Meti. *cries*.

 

Could you possibly answer the questions that I've posted?

 

@Ragnarok: No' date=' I feel like I wouldn't be able to. She probably doesn't want to anyway. =/

[/quote']

 

in that case the answer to #6 is yes, let her be happy, even if that means someone else.

[The_Prince_of_Death]

1) Did I do anything wrong here? If so, what? I dont see anyting wrong except that you shoudnt have dated her in te irst place

2) In this aspect, who is the more mature one? you are.

3) Is she just toying with my emotions? yes(she kind of wants to break your heart) and no (she liked you for a little while)

4) Why is she doing this? beats me, dumb revenge.

5) Why won’t she talk to me? I dont know.

6) Should I have told the dude that she liked that she liked him? no because he would have broken her heart anyway.