Yu-Gi-Oh: The Never-Ending Storm * Episode 2: The Angel of Light* Posted

[Synchronized]

So this is new. I had this idea, and I decided to try and work with it. I'd like to give a shout out to [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/11745-epic-hero-saber/]~ Epic Hero - Saber ~[/url]. While I didn't actually discuss this with him, I read his FanFic a lot throughout this writing process, and it helped me to put this together. I'd recommend taking a look at his [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/232937-yu-gi-oh-dead-zone/]Yu-Gi-Oh! ~ Dead Zone[/url] if you're looking for an entertaining read. It's great. Anyway, on with the introduction of the first Arc!

[center][IMG]http://i242.photobucket.com/albums/ff244/InvertRemix/Arc1StoneofLight.jpg[/IMG]

[b]Episode 1[/b]: (in this post) The Quest Begins
[b]Episode 2[/b]: [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/245873-yu-gi-oh-the-never-ending-storm-gramatically-updated/page__view__findpost__p__5139327]The Angel of Light[/url][/center]

[spoiler=Episode 1: The Quest Begins]
“[i]The game of Duel Monsters has existed for thousands of years. It is a widespread belief held by millions of people that the introduction of the Shadow Games marked the beginning of this era. That the Ancient Pharaohs of Egypt created and devised these games, with the hopes of vanquishing foes and maintaining power at any cost. What if…what if I were to tell you that this game existed far before the creation of the Shadow Games? What if this game was played by ancient civilizations, who had learned to harness its power millennia before the rest of the world?

The year was 15,000 B.C. Before the Nazca Lines, before the Pyramids, before any of the great landmarks you see in the world today. The Kaze Minzoku, literally meaning "Wind People", or "People of the Wind". An incredibly adept and intelligent people, the Kaze Minzoku were spell casters, able to control and use various sources on earth in different ways, an extremely powerful form of magic. A non-violent people, the Kaze used these abilities to build and construct their land, using their abilities for good, not evil, and for hundreds of years things remained that way.

It wasn't until about 1,000 years after their existence in this world that a caster by the name of Makaze, "evil wind", developed an insatiable crave for power. The head of his village, he convinced his people that using their abilities could bring them great power, and was able to get them to believe that his intentions were good. Perhaps in his eyes, they were, but Makaze unleashed great destruction upon the world, manipulating his powers to summon a series of creatures that would later come to be known as "Duel Monsters". It is in fact this evil that led to the creation of the Shadow Games in the first place.

As Makaze began assembling an army of darkness with which he could take over the land, those still remaining on the side of good began to assemble an army of their own, knowing that preserving any of their great peace and accomplishments would require fighting, and they were right. A bloody war ensued, one that went on for almost twenty years with constant destruction, and right before their eyes, the world of the Kaze Minzoku was falling apart. Makaze advanced upon the city's capital, prepared to deliver a final devastating blow that would surely spell the end. In doing so, he summoned forth a creature known today as Van'Dalgyon, the Dark Dragon Lord. The might of the fearsome machine of destruction was unstoppable, and try as they might, the Kaze Minzoku were unable to stop it.

Mercilessly, the creature continued its assault, killing thousands upon thousands of innocent civilians and creatures, and unleashing a hell unlike anything they had seen before. In a desperate effort to prevent the forthcoming destruction, a young boy by the name of Senpuu Isai, the heir to the city's throne, summoned the angel Honest, and sacrificed his own life to merge with the hero of light. The Kaze Minzoku watched on as the Dragon was destroyed, consumed by the powers of light. But all was not saved. For Makaze was still alive, and it had taken nearly all of Senpuu's energy to vanquish Van'Dalgyon.

The people, with no other option, sacrificed themselves, lending all of their power to Honest to deliver the finishing blow, and banish the seemingly unstoppable Makaze from destroying all they had come to know. Makaze's power was great, but he could not withstand the combined powers that stood in his way, and was killed. The few surviving Maneko people knew they had no chance at rebuilding their own civilization, so they used the last of their magic to seal it away, in four magical emblems.

These emblems have come to be known as the four key stones, all of which are located throughout the world. The time has come for these stones to reveal themselves, as the greatness that was Maneko civilization was only intended to be hidden for so long. This power can prove great, and improve the world as we know it today, but in the wrong hands, combined with what we know today, can cause unspeakable destruction. Only by...[/i]"

There was a rustling in the bushes. Shiiro slammed the book shut and shoved it off the table, causing a loud thud as it hit the floor. He had known this day would come. He wasn't a fighter, and his small, thin frame was evidence of that. There was a knock on the door, and Shiiro managed to knock the table over, leaning behind it as a shield. A temporary hiding place, at least, to buy as much time as possible. As he waited for the door to open, accepting the fact that defense was not an option, he struggled to keep a straight face.

What happened next, Shiiro did not see. There was a huge burst of light, and suddenly everything was gone. His body collapsed to the floor, motionless, as the intruders raided the house, shuffling through everything looking to find the item they had come for. It was near the remains of the now shattered table and the shell that was previously Shiiro's body that one of the henchman found the book. He picked up and brushed it off, holding it up so that the man next to him could get a look. The man nodded, and with that, they made their way.

****************************************************************************

[i]Woah, what was that?! Ahh![/i] Ryder snapped back to reality as he struggled to seize control of his motorcycle, the slick, black, flame-clad bike almost crashing into a guardrail as the beam of light shot into the sky. It lasted less than two seconds, yet it illuminated the entire sky, and was certainly distracting to the point of losing his grip. He blinked his eyes a few times to restore his vision, then gripped the throttle tight as he sped off into the distance.

It was a cool night, perfect for a bike run. Ryder was by himself, lost in thought, now focusing on nothing but the light he'd seen. As his torn, faded leather jacket blew in the wind behind him, he tried to figure out what it was, how it happened. It wasn't just some normal occurrence; something had literally lit up the sky. There were hardly any stars out at all, and whatever this bright yellow light had been, was caused by something out of the ordinary. He didn't believe in magic. No, he wasn't one of those people.

However, something had to have happened. Ryder had no job. Occasionally he'd fix up a bike or two for some extra cash, but he'd saved his money well, and at eighteen years old, he was priveleged to be able to go out for a night on the town like this. Slowing his bike down, he did a 180 on the near-empty highway, headed towards the direction from which the light had came. After a bit of riding, Ryder pulled his bike off to the side, finding himself in a location rather unfamiliar. He loved the outdoors, but not so much the forest. Surrounded by trees, searching back and forth for any signs of life, or residency, but nothing. It was just tree after tree, and the deeper he walked into the forest, the colder it became.

[i]CAW! CAW![/i] A crow flew overhead, rattling the leaves of the trees as it did so. Ryder looked up, but saw nothing. There was an almost eerie feeling about the place, but he wasn't scared. He had no reason to be. He'd seen worse, and often times it was a result of his incredible sense of adventure. A cool breeze brushed by his face, and he pulled his jacket up close for warmth.

Signs of light began to appear, and Ryder squinted his eyes to get a closer look. There looked to be a house. A small one, but a house nonetheless. It was certainly an odd location, but the darkness in the area explained the light he could see. The more he thought about it, the more this location made sense; this had to have been where the light came from. Revisiting the situation, the light was closer to the middle of the forest than it was to the edge, and this house was located, literally, in the exact middle of this side of the land. It was interesting. Slowly, he crept up towards the house, not wanting to make himself known.

The door was open, and the only source of light was from a lantern hanging outside the door. It looked brighter from far away, but the inside of the house was only dimly lit.
"I guess he's got no reason to worry out here..." Ryder joked quietly. He knocked on the door, and after no response, stepped inside. Everything was scattered about the floor. Papers, glass, books, you name it, it was there. He searched around for a flashlight or something of the sort, but it was difficult to see. The crow squealed again, as Ryder whipped around behind him. There was no one there, but he'd been caught by surprise. As he turned around, something caught his eye. It was a body. Whether it was a man or woman was hard to make out, but there was definitely a body, laying lifeless behind a table that had been knocked over. [i]What happened here?[/i]

"Hey, buddy, you alright?" Ryder asked, not expecting a response. There was nothing but silence.

"Actually, I am, but I can't say the same for you." This voice took him by surprise. He turned back around to see a man standing at the doorway. His presence was slightly intimidating, a white t-shirt covered in what looked like dirt, a grey vest, and the rest of the outfit was concealed by the darkness outside. There was a duel disk on his arm, and while Ryder had brought his own, he knew it wasn't a duel that had killed the person inside the house. It was something far stronger.

“Who the hell are you?” Ryder asked through gritted teeth.

“I’m simply, well, you could say the safe keeper of this area.” He laughed. “You’ve got no place being here, and it’s my responsibility to…remove you from the premises.”

“I’d like to see you try.” Ryder motioned towards him. “Let’s see what you’re made of. I’m no weakling myself.”

The man laughed. “A fight? You’re hysterical. I’m not a man of violence.” He continued. “I’ve yet to reach that level. Rather, I’d fancy a duel.”

[i]Yet to reach that level? What the hell does that mean?[/i] "A duel? You’re on, but I know you’re fully aware of what’s happened here. So here’s what’s up. We’ll duel, but when I win, you fill me in on what exactly went on here.”

Again, he laughed. “If that’s your request, then so be it.” An eerie wind blew across the open area as Ryder stepped outside, the man taking a few steps back. “I’m not sure this is something you want to involve yourself in, but those who are stubborn, will always be so.”

“Less talk, more duel!” Ryder activated his duel disk, drawing five cards from his Deck, and a sixth to kick things off. “I’m not one for patience. My move!” To some, Ryder’s dueling style might come across as arrogant, but to Ryder himself, it was well-paced strategy. No point in wasting time, especially not in a situation like this. “I’ll start with Static Grid!”

[spoiler=Static Grid]
Continuous Spell Card
Once per turn, you can discard 1 Thunder-Type monster to add 1 Thunder-Type monster from your Deck to your hand. Each time your opponent Normal Summons a monster, inflict 500 damage to your opponent.[/spoiler]

The open area of dirt between them was replaced by a holographic electric grid, separated by individual squares, each one surrounded by waves of electricity, quickly lighting up the area. Ryder was surprised. His opponent shielded his eyes from the light, as if it was hurting him in some way. Eventually, he lowered his arm and put on a cocky smile.

“With Static Grid in play, as I'm sure you know, each time you Normal Summon a monster, you take 500 points of damage! And if that’s not shocking enough, I can discard a Thunder-Type monster from my hand to take a different Thunder-Type monster from my Deck!” Ryder grinned. “But I think I’ll wait for that one, and summon Wattpheasant in attack mode!”

[spoiler=Wattpheasant]
Level 4
LIGHT
[Thunder / Effect]
This card can attack your opponent directly. When this card inflicts Battle Damage to your opponent by a direct attack, select 1 face-up monster on the field and remove it from play until the End Phase of this turn.
1000/800[/spoiler]

“I thought, perhaps, you’d do something impressive. Yet I’m surprised.” The man chuckled as the static-clad bird rose up from a square on the grid, surrounded by static of its own.

“Heh.” Ryder smirked. “Just wait, I’m only getting warmed up. One face-down should do it for now.”

“Very well,” the man replied as he drew a card. “Exactly what I was hoping for. Summon, Zombie Spirit!”

[spoiler=Zombie Spirit]
Level 1
DARK
[Zombie / Tuner]
This card cannot be changed to Defense Position. You can Normal Summon this card in face-up Defense Position. When this card is Summoned, select and activate 1 Spell Card from your Deck that includes "Zombie-Type Monster" in its card text. When your opponent Summons a monster, change this card to face-up Attack Position.
0/0[/spoiler]

A cloud of mist encircled the area in front of him, forming a spherical creature with nothing but a pair of blue eyes. It surveyed the field, not appearing pleased in any sense. “When my Spirit is summoned to the field, I can activate a Spell Card straight from my Deck, as long as it contains the word “Zombie” in its card text. Activate, Field Spell Zombie World!”

[spoiler=Zombie World]
Field Spell Card
All monsters on the field and in any Graveyard become Zombie-Type monsters. Neither player can Tribute Summon monsters, except Zombie-Type monsters.[/spoiler]

Ryder stepped back as a valley appeared before them, but it was not a normal valley. Filled with smoke, bones, and remnants of creatures once living, the Zombie World Field Spell took full effect, and his Wattpheasant began to slump its shoulders, adopting a pair of red eyes. However, before the Field Spell took full effect, a bolt of lightning shot out of the valley and struck the man right in his chest.

[b]??? LP[/b]: 3500

“That’s all well and good, but don’t forget, you did summon that Zombie Spirit while my Static Grid was still in play, so you take 500 points of damage!” Ryder exclaimed.

“Your meaningless Life Point damage doesn’t affect me in the slightest.” He replied. “For you see, I’ve got an unbeatable strategy, the creatures of the depths will destroy you! Next, I play Call from the Depths!”

[spoiler=Call from the Depths]
Normal Spell Card
If you control a face-up "Zombie Spirit", you can Special Summon 1 Level 4 Zombie-Type monster from your Deck in face-up Defense Position. The Summoned monster cannot declare an attack, and its effect is negated.[/spoiler]

[i]Another monster? Man, these Zombies aren’t gonna be easy to take down. What’s he planning here?[/i] Ryder watched on, intently.

“Now, since Zombie Spirit is on my field, I can bring him some company! Summon, Paladin of the Cursed Dragon!”

[spoiler=Paladin of the Cursed Dragon]
Level 4
LIGHT
[Zombie / Effect]
Once per turn, you can Special Summon 1 Level 4 or lower Zombie-Type monster that was destroyed by battle from your opponent's Graveyard to your side of the field.
1900/1000[/spoiler]

“Cower in fear of my might!” The man raised his arm into the air as a cloud of mist shot up from the valley, turning purple as it struck the field, bringing the zombified dragon and the knight that commanded it onto the field.

“If anything, I’ll cower in fear of the awful stench he’s giving off.” Ryder snapped, much to the man’s distaste. “Are you finished yet? I’d like to make my move.”

The man smiled. “Not quite. For you see, you’ve only begun to see what I’m capable of! Now, I tune my Zombie Spirit, with my Paladin of the Cursed Dragon, to Synchro Summon Zombified Dragon Lancer!

[spoiler=Zombified Dragon Lancer]
LIGHT
[Zombie / Synchro]
"Zombie Spirit" + "Paladin of the Cursed Dragon"
When this card is Synchro Summoned, select 1 Zombie-Type monster in your Graveyard. During the End Phase of this turn, Special Summon the selected monster to your opponent's field and draw 2 cards. When this card destroys an opponent's Level 4 or lower monster by battle and sends it to the Graveyard, you can Special Summon 1 Level 2 or lower Zombie-Type monster from your Deck in face-up Defense Position. When this card is destroyed and sent to the Graveyard, Special Summon 1 "Zombie Spirit" from your Graveyard.
2200/0[/spoiler]

The creatures took to the air, and merged with one another in a large cloud of mist. As the mist settled upon the field, a larger dragon appeared, this one with wings comprised of bones of fallen monsters. The knight resting upon it, wearing black armor, was surrounded by a gray aura, and in its hand, a sharp, black lance.

“[i]A Synchro already? Man, he’s already giving me a run for my money.[/i]” Ryder couldn’t help but feel almost awkward as the man let out a loud, bellowing laugh, standing behind his creature. But his voice wasn’t deep, it was somewhere in the middle, and that made it all the more creepy. Who was this guy? What had he gotten himself into?

“I’ll place a face-down, and I believe that I’m finished now.” He paused. “Perhaps it would be more accurate to say you’re the one whose finished, though. For you see, if somehow you manage to destroy my Zombified Dragon Lancer, my Zombie Spirit comes back to the field, and I’ve got an entire army of monsters just waiting to tear away at your Deck!”

“You will regret ever coming here, fool!”

Eh. Ryder didn’t think so. There was nothing more fun than a challenge. Plus, this guy was really getting on his nerves.

[b]To be continued…[/b][/spoiler]

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Ok, just read this... and I enjoyed it... mostly.

Little prologue intro was good, although Van'dalygon vs Honest seemed... an odd selection. Surely Voltanis?

I actually liked the fact you didn't introduce the main character first.

Cool name for a hero by the way.

Nice creepy setting of the scene, the crow really added a little something, nice touch.

My only complaint was when how the duel started and played out so far. Although it was the bad guy making the challenge and our hero accepting, so obviously the baddie has his reasons, it just seemed a bit surreal to go into a duel. I'm sure there have been worse reasons tothrow down.

Main complaint is the mistakes made with 'Static Grid'. I'm not familiar with Watts, but you said it takes 500 LP from an opponent when he special summons, but he took damage when normal summoning, and didn't for each of his special summons. So something got confused there.

Overall well written, but silly mistakes need ironing out. Looking forward to Chapt 2.

[Synchronized]

[quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1302578293' post='5132488']
Ok, just read this... and I enjoyed it... mostly.

[i]That's certainly a good start.[/i]

Little prologue intro was good, although Van'dalygon vs Honest seemed... an odd selection. Surely Voltanis?

[i]I do have my reasons. Both will (obviously) play a part in the series later.[/i]

I actually liked the fact you didn't introduce the main character first.

[i]I tried something different this time. I don't know how well others will take to it, but we'll see.[/i]

Cool name for a hero by the way.

[i]It's kinda like...I don't know. I didn't want a completely English name since this is a fantasy universe and all.[/i]

Nice creepy setting of the scene, the crow really added a little something, nice touch.

[i]That's the feeling I was trying to establish. I'm glad it worked.[/i]

My only complaint was when how the duel started and played out so far. Although it was the bad guy making the challenge and our hero accepting, so obviously the baddie has his reasons, it just seemed a bit surreal to go into a duel. I'm sure there have been worse reasons tothrow down.

[i]This is the one I do have a good reason for! It's explained in the early part of Chapter 2, why he challenged him to a duel instead of just killing him from behind.[/i]

Main complaint is the mistakes made with 'Static Grid'. I'm not familiar with Watts, but you said it takes 500 LP from an opponent when he special summons, but he took damage when normal summoning, and didn't for each of his special summons. So something got confused there.

[i]Just an effect issue. It's supposed to say "Normal Summoned", yet I put Special Summoned by accident. I'll fix it.[/i]

Overall well written, but silly mistakes need ironing out. Looking forward to Chapt 2.
[/quote]

[CrabHelmet]

[b]Once upon a time, a military project was initiated to create a network of computers for the sharing of information. The project proved so successful that it spread beyond the military into the civilian world, until eventually it became fundamental to all aspects of society. There were those who feared that it would destroy the world by becoming infected with some sort of artificial intelligence, but the true outcome was far worse: it became infected by natural stupidity.

With terrible fanfiction now free to expand beyond obscure fanzines to be seen by the whole world and every ten-year-old with a keyboard capable of posting a story, terrible fanfics have spread wide and grown in number. These horrible monstrosities conceal the rare brilliant fanfics while destroying the brains of all who read them. Such awful stories must be opposed. They are our opponents. They are our enemies. They are our foes.

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for [i]Foe Fiction[/i].[/b]

Well, this should be a step up from my first three reviews, since a glance reveals that, if nothing else, it's at least been typed intelligibly. I mean, the first [s]chapter[/s] "Episode" title is the unspeakably bland "The Quest Begins", but at least Star figured out how to make proper paragraph breaks, which has to count for something, right? Let's get started.

[i]“The game of Duel Monsters has existed for thousands of years.[/i]

Note that this sentence and in fact the next several paragraphs are all italicized in the source text, but I'm not going to be bolding each and every one of them; I'll tell you when they stop being italicized in the source.

Speaking of formatting, I looked back at my last review and noticed some odd glitches in it; some portions of the text had changed color, even though I never used [color] tags anywhere. Probably more interference from the ambient radiation. This is exactly why I hate living in a government town; either the lead shield around the house isn't strong enough, and the radiation from the portal project kills me, or there is enough lead, and then I die of lead poisoning. Having a scientist mother has its downsides.

[i]It is a widespread belief held by millions of people that the introduction of the Shadow Games marked the beginning of this era.[/i]

Really? Millions of people know about the Shadow Games now?

[i]That the Ancient Pharaohs of Egypt created and devised these games, with the hopes of vanquishing foes and maintaining power at any cost. What if…what if I were to tell you that this game existed far before the creation of the Shadow Games?[/i]

I would ask who you were and what you were doing in my house, faceless expository wall of italicized text.

[i]What if this game was played by ancient civilizations, who had learned to harness its power millennia before the rest of the world?[/i]

Yeah, that's right. This fanfic totally mixes up the Yu-Gi-Oh! canon by revealing the startling twist that... the Shadow Games were played by ancient civilizations who had learned to harness their power millennia before the rest of the world. You know, unlike the regular series, in which the Shadow Games were played by ancient civilizations who had learned to harness their power millennia before the rest of the world. I can see we're off on a rollercoaster of originality here.

Wait a minute, the rest of the world learned to harness the power of the Shadow Games? Screw this ancient history stuff, I want to hear about that happening. That sounds much more interesting than what I'm sure we're going to be treated to.

[i]The year was 15,000 B.C. Before the Nazca Lines, before the Pyramids, before any of the great landmarks you see in the world today.[/i]

The whole "it's cool because it's even older than ancient Egyptian games" thing has been used repeatedly in the anime, and was been employed as early as the Season 4 Doma arc, in which the writers insisted that Atlantis was cool and special because it was like ancient Egypt except twice as old. I'm afraid that increasing the the number B.C. doesn't actually make me care any more about your backstory; it just makes you look like more of a hack.

[i]The Kaze Minzoku, literally meaning "Wind People", or "People of the Wind".[/i]

They spoke modern Japanese despite being seventeen thousand years old. The only difference was that apparently verbs hadn't been invented back then.

[i]An incredibly adept and intelligent people, the Kaze Minzoku were spellcasters, able to control and use various sources on earth in different ways, an extremely powerful form of magic. A non-violent people,[/i]

Because they fortunately shared a hive-mind in which absolutely everyone acted the same?

[i]the Kaze used these abilities to build and construct their land, using their abilities for good, not evil, and for hundreds of years things remained that way.[/i]

Thanks to their brilliant brainwashing program, nobody deviated from the officially mandated thought process for hundreds of years.

Why do you people always write glorious fallen civilizations that have unintentional undertones of being horrible dystopias?

[i]It wasn't until about 1,000 years after their existence in this world that a caster by the name of Makaze, "evil wind", developed an unsatiable crave for power.[/i]

Well, I would too if I were named something like "Evil Wind". Sheesh, if my name were "Darkoverlord Sinisterdoom von Puppykicker", I'm sure everyone treating me as an obvious villain based purely on my name would be enough to get me to turn evil. Seriously, what kind of parents name their kid something that basically gives them no career options but supervillain or professional wrestler?

[i]The head of his village, he convinced his people that using their abilities could bring them great power, and was able to get them to believe that his intentions were good.[/i]

Yes, yes, of course the guy named EVIL WIND has nothing but your best interests at heart!

Note that this eliminates the Gilbert & Sullivan-esque motivation for Makaze that he turned evil because his sinister name caused everyone to hate him. Instead, we just have Makaze's parents being idiots, his followers being idiots, and Star being the biggest idiot for giving the supervillain an entirely arbitrary and unnecessary obvious villain name.

[i]Perhaps in his eyes, they were, but Makaze unleashed great destruction upon the world, manipulating his powers to summon a series of creatures that would later come to be known as "Duel Monsters". It is in fact this evil that led to the creation of the Shadow Games in the first place.[/i]

He's also apparently a rather incompetent supervillain, given that he summoned Kuriboh.

[i]As Makaze began assembling an army of darkness with which he could take over the land, those still remaining on the side of good[/i]

Wait, even though Makaze was the first evil guy in EVER and he's only just started assembling his army, the "side of good" is already so small that its contents is described as "those still remaining"?

Maybe Good just really sucks.

[i]began to assemble an army of their own, knowing that perserving[/i]

PROOFREADING

[i]any of their great peace and accomplishments would require fighting, and they were right.[/i]

The only way to [s]perserve[/s] preserve the peace is to go to war!

For all the author's talk about how great the Kaze Minzoku were, their onscreen actions so far consist of "having everyone think exactly the same", "being fooled by a blatant villain", "losing easily", and "deciding that peace requires war". As far as I can tell, they deserved to die.

[i]A bloody war ensued, one that went on for almost twenty years with constant destruction, and right before their eyes, the world of the Kaze Minzoku was falling apart. Makaze advanced upon the city's capital, prepared to deliver a final devastating blow that would surely spell the end. In doing so, he summoned forth a creature known today as Van'Dalgyon, the Dark Dragon Lord.[/i]

That's... kind of random. When I think "unstoppable force of doom", my first thought isn't usually "random Dragon that is only useful in one decktype and that is completely vanilla after it has been Summoned".

[i]The might of the fearsome machine of destruction was [b]unstoppable[/b], and try as they might, the Kaze Minzoku were [b]unable to stop it[/b].[/i]

MY GREAT PROSE SENSES ARE TINGLING

No, seriously, read the stuff you write. This sort of thing won't get through if you do.

[i]Mercilessly, the creature continued its assault, killing thousands upon thousands of innocent civilians and creatures, and unleashing a hell unlike anything they had seen before. In a desperate effort to prevent the forthcoming destruction, a young boy by the name of Senpuu Isai, the heir to the city's throne, summoned the angel Honest, and sacrificed his own life to merge with the hero of light.[/i]

I thought Duel Monsters were an army of darkness that were only brought into this world by Makaze to serve in his evil army, but now suddenly the "heroes" can call down glorious angels of light? What, did Makaze just summon a bunch of LIGHT monsters and tell them to run off to join his opponents and then forget about them?

[i]The Kaze Maneko[/i]

They were called the Kaze Minzoku earlier. If you're not even going to take an interest in your boring nonsensical cosmology with your stupid nonsensical random Japanese names, why do you expect me to care?

[i]watched on as the Dragon was destroyed, consumed by the powers of light. But all was not saved. For Makaze was still alive, and it had taken nearly all of Senpuu's energy to vanquish Van'Dalygon.[/i]

Van'Dalygon? Not Van'Dalgyon? Do you have eyes?

Still, maybe the problem isn't on your end. Maybe the radiation is scrambling the characters. She said they were running some big tests today. She said they'd be trying to run the prototype. My mother, that is. She said that. Maybe the story's letters are being moved around, like my review's letters were turned purple. That shouldn't happen with the prototype in its current condition, but maybe they're closer to breakthrough than they think. Maybe something slipped out.

[i]The people, with no other option, sacrificed themselves, lending all of their power to Honest to deliver the finishing blow, and banish the seemingly unstoppable Makaze from destroying all they had come to know. Makaze's power was great, but he could not withstand the combined powers that stood in his way, and was killed. The few surviving Maneko people knew they had no chance at rebuilding their own civilization, so they used the last of their magic to seal it away, in four magical emblems.[/i]

...or maybe you're just a hack who decided to randomly give Honest some Captain Planet By Your Powers Combined Tinkerbell Jesus Care Bear Stare powers to resolve this mess of a plot, along with the last [s]Maneko[/s] [s]Minzoku[/s] Moronic people realizing that they couldn't rebuild their civilization (why?), so they sealed away their civilization (what does that even mean? And if their civilization was unbuilt, what was left to be sealed away?). No amount of portal nonsense could explain these failings.

[i]These emblems have come to be known as the four key stones, all of which are located throughout the world.[/i]

I'm glad you told us that. After all, I might have thought that some of them weren't in the world otherwise.

[i]The time has come for these stones to reveal themselves, as the greatness that was Maneko civlization was only intended to be hidden for so long.[/i]

I'm sorry, but who intended for them to reveal themselves now? The last remaining Maneko (since apparently that's what you're calling them now) weren't capable of rebuilding anything properly, so they apparently locked whatever remained away somehow, but why would they decide that seventeen thousand years was the proper waiting period? And how do YOU know all of this, whoever you are?

[i]This power can prove great, and improve the world as we know it today, but in the wrong hands, combined with what we know today, can cause unspeakable destruction. Only by..."[/i]

Generic ominousness strikes no resonance.

Here end the italics.

[i]There was a rustling in the bushes. Shiiro slammed the book shut and shoved it off the table, causing a loud thud as it hit the floor. He had known this day would come. He wasn't a fighter, and his small, thin frame was evidence of that. There was a knock on the door, and Shiiro managed to knock the table over, leaning behind it as a shield. A temporary hiding place, at least, to buy as much time as possible. As he waited for the door to open, accepting the fact that defense was not an option, he struggled to keep a straight face.[/i]

Let me get this straight: Shiiro had always known this day would come, yet prepared no defenses whatsoever, and was only just now reading the basic exposition we just received (from a book that cited no sources or evidence)? It sounds to me like Shiiro is a complete newbie who only just happened to stumble across all of this and didn't know anything about anything relevant to the plot until he started reading the book with us five minutes ago.

[i]What happened next, Shiiro did not see. There was a huge burst of light, and suddenly everything was gone. His body collapsed to the floor, motionless, as the intruders raided the house, shuffling through everything looking to find the item they had come for. It was near the remains of the now shattered table and the shell that was previously Shiiro's body that one of the henchman found the book. He picked up and brushed it off, holding it up so that the man next to him could get a look. The man nodded, and with that, they made their way.[/i]

They made their way... where? That's not a complete ending to a sen- oh, screw it. We've got a secret evil SWAT team killing a guy in order to take a book that seems to consist of nothing but unsubstantiated ramblings that everyone in the world will either disbelieve because of how stupid they are or already be familiar with from a more reliable source. None of this makes any sense.

[i]****************************************************************************

"[b]Woah, what was that?! Ahh![/b]" Ryder snapped back to reality as he struggled to seize control of his motorcycle,[/i]

(Bold equals italics.)

Oh, joy, our protagonist is a guy named "Ryder" who "rides" a motorcycle. Even 4Kids would be ashamed of these names.

[i]the slick, black, flame-clad bike almost crashing into a guardrail as the beam of light shot into the sky. It lasted less than two seconds, yet it illuminated the entire sky, and was certainly distracting to the point of losing his grip. He blinked his eyes a few times to restore his vision, then gripped the throttle tight as he sped off into the distance.

It was a cool night, perfect for a bike run. Ryder was by himself, lost in thought, now focusing on nothing but the light he'd seen. As his torn, faded leather jacket blew in the wind behind him, he tried to figure out what it was, how it happened. It wasn't just some normal occurence; something had literally lit up the sky. There were hardly any stars out at all, and whatever this bright yellow light had been, was caused by something out of the ordinary. He didn't believe in magic. No, he wasn't one of those people.[/i]

I'll admit, this prose isn't awful. Despite the obvious lack of spellchecking - it's supposed to be spelled "occurrence", with a double-r in the middle - the description here is above-average for a YCM fanfic, mainly because the standard for description around these parts is along the lines of "BLACK HAIR K". Nevertheless, it's also not great. A giant yellow laserbeam just illuminated the entire sky and blinded Ryder, and his conclusion after all of his deep pondering is... it was something that was unusual.

G-G-G-GENIUS!

[i]However, something had to have happened. Ryder had no job.[/i]

Hello, abrupt change of topic with nothing resembling a transition?

[i]Occasionally he'd fix up a bike or two for some extra cash, but he'd saved his money well, and at eighteen years old, he was priveleged[/i]

You mean "privileged"? That's it, we're done. I'm not reading another bloody word until you learn to spellcheck, you hack.

[i]to be able to go out for a night on the town like this.[/i]

See? I've no idea how that sentence ended, because I've stopped readi- what's that humming sound?

[i]Slowing his bike down,[/i]

It's low, but it's definitely there. It's got some sort of pattern to it, too - a rhythm of some sort.

[i]he did a complete 360 on the near-empty highway, headed towards the direction from which the light had came.[/i]

Definitely a pattern, but I can't quite pin it down. It's rather irregular. Sometimes four beats sound together, but sometimes only one or two. It's not random, though. There's a structure. It makes sense. It's there. I can almost-

It's gone. The hum is gone.

Well, I suppose I'd better get back to the story. What's the last thing I missed?

[i]he did a complete 360 on the near-empty highway, headed towards the direction from which the light had came.[/i]

He turned around by doing a 360.

A 360.

As in, three hundred and sixty degrees.

As in, not a reversal of direction but rather a full circular spin that leaves you facing the same way you began.

That's a fitting metaphor for this story, actually. After all, the entire prologue's net effect was to move the backstory back about ten thousand years and scramble the names. Star spends several paragraphs jumping through hoops with an incredibly idiotic cosmology, and for all of his effort, nothing actually changed. Truly, this is the 360 of fanfics.

The grammatical abomination that is "the direction from which the light had c[b]a[/b]me" is barely worth mentioning next to that.

[i]After a bit of riding, Ryder pulled his bike off to the side, finding himself in a location rather unfamiliar. He loved the outdoors, but not so much the forest. Surrounded by trees, searching back and forth for any signs of life, or residency, but nothing.[/i]

INDEPENDENT CLAUSES

EACH SENTENCE NEEDS ONE

[i]It was just tree after tree, and the deeper he walked into the forest, the colder it became.

[b]CAW! CAW![/b] A crow flew overhead, rattling the leaves of the trees as it did so. Ryder looked up, but saw nothing. There was an almost eerie feeling about the place, but he wasn't scared. He had no reason to be. He'd seen worse, and often times it was a result of his incredible sense of adventure. A cool breeze brushed by his face, and he pulled his jacket up close for warmth.[/i]

There's more to creating a creepy atmosphere than saying "It's cold! There's a crow! The main character thinks it's creepy, so you should to!" At least some effort is put forward here beyond just saying that it's eerie, but it's just too rudimentary to be effective.

[i]Signs of light began to appear, and Ryder squinted his eyes to get a closer look. There looked to be a house. A small one, but a house nonetheless. It was certainly an odd location, but the darkness in the area explained the light he could see. The more he thought about it, the more this location made sense; this had to have been where the light came from. Revisiting the situation, the light was closer to the middle of the forest than it was to the edge, and this house was located, literally, in the exact middle of this side of the land. It was interesting. Slowly, he crept up towards the house, not wanting to make himself known.[/i]

So let me get this straight: Ryder somehow knows that this house is literally in the exact geographic center of the forest, and it must be the source of the light because it's dark, and the darkness in the area explains the light in the area.

Or something. I've really no idea; Tommy Wiseau's The Chamber had more narrative coherence than this.

[i]The door was open, and the only source of light was from a lantern hanging outside the door. It looked brighter from far away, but the inside of the house was only dimly lit.
"I guess he's got no reason to worry out here..." Ryder joked quietly.[/i]

I'm going to guess that's a reference to some song lyrics from some song I've never heard of.

[i]He knocked on the door, and after no response, stepped inside. Everything was scattered about the floor. Papers, glass, books, you name it, it was there.[/i]

...that doesn't really sound like that extensive a variety of scattered objects, really. Papers AND books!? Wow, this is crazy!

[i]He searched around for a flashlight or something of the sort, but it was difficult to see. The crow squealed again, as Ryder whipped around behind him. There was no one there, but he'd been caught by surprise.[/i]

Jump scares are stupid enough on movies. In text form, they're utterly ridiculous.

[i]As he turned around, something caught his eye. It was a body. Whether it was a man or woman was hard to make out, but there was definitely a body, laying lifeless[/i]

Ryder hasn't a clue about the body's gender, but is instantly certain that it's dead and not just sleeping or unconscious or meditating. Maybe there's some obvious indication of its death, like its head being removed from its shoulders, but the narrator apparently decided that we didn't need that information.

[i]behind a table that had been knocked over.[/i]

And thus we are hinted that the body is Shiiro with all the subtlety of a neon sign saying "IT'S SHIIRO GUYS". Because, you know, we'd never have been able to figure out that the only two blinding flashes of light and the only two dead people in the story might be connected.

[i]"[b]What happened here?[/b]"

"Hey, buddy, you alright?" Ryder asked, not expecting a response. There was nothing but silence.[/i]

So Ryder's certain he's just come across a dead body, and his reaction is... a mild interest in more information on the situation and a calm, casual question to the body that he knows won't receive an answer.

[i]"Actually, I am, but I can't say the same for you." This voice took him by surprise. He turned back around to see a man standing at the doorway. His presence was slightly intimidating, a white t-shirt[/i]

AH! T-SHIRT! T-SHIRT! RUN! THE INTIMIDATION IS OVERWHELMING! FLEE! FLEE OR YOU'RE DEAD!

[i]covered in what looked like dirt, a grey vest, and the rest of the outfit was concealed by the darkness outside. There was a duel disk on his arm, and while Ryder had brought his own, he knew it wasn't a duel that had killed the person inside the house. It was something far stronger.[/i]

I love the implication that duels are normally fatal, but Shiiro was clearly killed by something... fatal-er. A deduction that Ryder reached based on no evidence whatsoever.

[i]“Who the hell are you?” Ryder asked through gritted teeth.

“I’m simply, well, you could say the safe keeper of this area.” He laughed. “You’ve got no place being here, and it’s my responsibility to…remove you from the premises.”[/i]

Considering that Ryder is technically trespassing here, this villain guy is actually making some sense, which is a first for any of the characters in this story. I like him.

[i]“I’d like to see you try.” Ryder motioned towards him. “Let’s see what you’re made of. I’m no weakling myself.”

The man laughed. “A fight? You’re hysterical. I’m not a man of violence.” He continued. “I’ve yet to reach that level. Rather, I’d fancy a duel.”[/i]

"I've yet to reach that level"? What the hell does that mean?

[i]“[b]Yet to reach that level? What the hell does that mean?[/b][/i]

Ryder gets points for being right on the money here... but loses them for the horrible formatting putting his internal thoughts inside his speech quotes.

[i]A duel? You’re on, but I know you’re fully aware of what’s happened here. So here’s what’s up. We’ll duel, but when I win, you fill me in on what exactly went on here.”

Again, he laughed. “If that’s your request, then so be it.” An eerie wind blew across the open area as Ryder stepped outside, the man taking a few steps back. “I’m not sure this is something you want to involve yourself in, but those who are stubborn, will always be so.”[/i]

"Yes, instead you should just give up and let me kill you. That's the sensible thing to do."

[i]“Less talk, more duel!” Ryder activated his duel disk, drawing five cards from his Deck, and a sixth to kick things off.[/i]

First you ask for answers, now you ask for silence. Ryder really doesn't have a clue what his motivation here is.

[i]“I’m not one for patience. My move!” To some, Ryder’s dueling style might come across as arrogant, but to Ryder himself, it was well-paced strategy. No point in wasting time, especially not in a situation like this.[/i]

Um, no. Unilaterally declaring that you're taking the first move is not a strategy, it's arrogant and probably illegal.

[i]“I’ll start with Static Grid!”

[spoiler=Static Grid]
Continuous Spell Card
Once per turn, you can discard 1 Thunder-Type monster to add 1 Thunder-Type monster from your Deck to your hand. Each time your opponent Normal Summons a monster, inflict 500 damage to your opponent.[/spoiler]

The open area of dirt between them was replaced by a holographic electric grid, separated by individual squares, each one surrounded by waves of electricity, quickly lighting up the area. Ryder was surprised. His opponent shielded his eyes from the light, as if it was hurting him in some way. Eventually, he lowered his arm and put on a cocky smile.

“With Static Grid in play, each time you Normal Summon a monster, you take 500 points of damage! And if that’s not shocking enough, I can discard a Thunder-Type monster from my hand to take a different Thunder-Type monster from my Deck!” Ryder grinned.[/i]

Let me re-iterate: Star posted the full effect of this card... and then had Ryder immediately state the full effect of this card.

Look, characters explaining effects they should be familiar with to each other in the anime is stupid, but it's necessary because we can't read the card effects and need to find out what the cards do. Here, such nonsensical explanations are unnecessary with the full card texts available - and is pointlessly redundant and repetitive when they're included anyhow.

If this is really the quality of writing we can expect from the duel, I'm not commenting on this nonsense anymore. Duels are always the least interesting parts of stories, and I'm not going to put up with needing to read everything twice. So I'm going to skip ahead to the end of the duel. After all, duels are always the least interesting parts of stories, and I'm not going to put up with needing to read everything twice. So I'm going to skip ahead to the end of the duel.

Luckily for me, the chapter ends before the duel does, which means I can get out of this terrible story.

While this may be technically above-average for YCM, it's still bloody awful. The writing's nothing spectacular, the plot somehow manages to be worse than the canon, the names are absurd, the characters are idiots, the card effects are repeated, the proofreading is non-existent, the backstory is laughable, the logic is absent, the card effects are repeated, and if I'm the only one who noticed that, for a story called "War of the Wind" whose backstory features a people whose name would translate into "People of the Wind" if they actually had a consistent name, this doesn't have a bloody thing to do with wind (it's just light and dark again), it's only because I'm the only one who read more than two paragraphs of this story before correctly deciding to abandon it.

[Nishi-chan]

[quote name='Crab Helmet' timestamp='1302673642' post='5134877']
[spoiler=Spoiler'd][b]Once upon a time, a military project was initiated to create a network of computers for the sharing of information. The project proved so successful that it spread beyond the military into the civilian world, until eventually it became fundamental to all aspects of society. There were those who feared that it would destroy the world by becoming infected with some sort of artificial intelligence, but the true outcome was far worse: it became infected by natural stupidity.

With terrible fanfiction now free to expand beyond obscure fanzines to be seen by the whole world and every ten-year-old with a keyboard capable of posting a story, terrible fanfics have spread wide and grown in number. These horrible monstrosities conceal the rare brilliant fanfics while destroying the brains of all who read them. Such awful stories must be opposed. They are our opponents. They are our enemies. They are our foes.

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for [i]Foe Fiction[/i].[/b]

Well, this should be a step up from my first three reviews, since a glance reveals that, if nothing else, it's at least been typed intelligibly. I mean, the first [s]chapter[/s] "Episode" title is the unspeakably bland "The Quest Begins", but at least Star figured out how to make proper paragraph breaks, which has to count for something, right? Let's get started.

[i]“The game of Duel Monsters has existed for thousands of years.[/i]

Note that this sentence and in fact the next several paragraphs are all italicized in the source text, but I'm not going to be bolding each and every one of them; I'll tell you when they stop being italicized in the source.

Speaking of formatting, I looked back at my last review and noticed some odd glitches in it; some portions of the text had changed color, even though I never used [color] tags anywhere. Probably more interference from the ambient radiation. This is exactly why I hate living in a government town; either the lead shield around the house isn't strong enough, and the radiation from the portal project kills me, or there is enough lead, and then I die of lead poisoning. Having a scientist mother has its downsides.

[i]It is a widespread belief held by millions of people that the introduction of the Shadow Games marked the beginning of this era.[/i]

Really? Millions of people know about the Shadow Games now?

[i]That the Ancient Pharaohs of Egypt created and devised these games, with the hopes of vanquishing foes and maintaining power at any cost. What if…what if I were to tell you that this game existed far before the creation of the Shadow Games?[/i]

I would ask who you were and what you were doing in my house, faceless expository wall of italicized text.

[i]What if this game was played by ancient civilizations, who had learned to harness its power millennia before the rest of the world?[/i]

Yeah, that's right. This fanfic totally mixes up the Yu-Gi-Oh! canon by revealing the startling twist that... the Shadow Games were played by ancient civilizations who had learned to harness their power millennia before the rest of the world. You know, unlike the regular series, in which the Shadow Games were played by ancient civilizations who had learned to harness their power millennia before the rest of the world. I can see we're off on a rollercoaster of originality here.

Wait a minute, the rest of the world learned to harness the power of the Shadow Games? Screw this ancient history stuff, I want to hear about that happening. That sounds much more interesting than what I'm sure we're going to be treated to.

[i]The year was 15,000 B.C. Before the Nazca Lines, before the Pyramids, before any of the great landmarks you see in the world today.[/i]

The whole "it's cool because it's even older than ancient Egyptian games" thing has been used repeatedly in the anime, and was been employed as early as the Season 4 Doma arc, in which the writers insisted that Atlantis was cool and special because it was like ancient Egypt except twice as old. I'm afraid that increasing the the number B.C. doesn't actually make me care any more about your backstory; it just makes you look like more of a hack.

[i]The Kaze Minzoku, literally meaning "Wind People", or "People of the Wind".[/i]

They spoke modern Japanese despite being seventeen thousand years old. The only difference was that apparently verbs hadn't been invented back then.

[i]An incredibly adept and intelligent people, the Kaze Minzoku were spellcasters, able to control and use various sources on earth in different ways, an extremely powerful form of magic. A non-violent people,[/i]

Because they fortunately shared a hive-mind in which absolutely everyone acted the same?

[i]the Kaze used these abilities to build and construct their land, using their abilities for good, not evil, and for hundreds of years things remained that way.[/i]

Thanks to their brilliant brainwashing program, nobody deviated from the officially mandated thought process for hundreds of years.

Why do you people always write glorious fallen civilizations that have unintentional undertones of being horrible dystopias?

[i]It wasn't until about 1,000 years after their existence in this world that a caster by the name of Makaze, "evil wind", developed an unsatiable crave for power.[/i]

Well, I would too if I were named something like "Evil Wind". Sheesh, if my name were "Darkoverlord Sinisterdoom von Puppykicker", I'm sure everyone treating me as an obvious villain based purely on my name would be enough to get me to turn evil. Seriously, what kind of parents name their kid something that basically gives them no career options but supervillain or professional wrestler?

[i]The head of his village, he convinced his people that using their abilities could bring them great power, and was able to get them to believe that his intentions were good.[/i]

Yes, yes, of course the guy named EVIL WIND has nothing but your best interests at heart!

Note that this eliminates the Gilbert & Sullivan-esque motivation for Makaze that he turned evil because his sinister name caused everyone to hate him. Instead, we just have Makaze's parents being idiots, his followers being idiots, and Star being the biggest idiot for giving the supervillain an entirely arbitrary and unnecessary obvious villain name.

[i]Perhaps in his eyes, they were, but Makaze unleashed great destruction upon the world, manipulating his powers to summon a series of creatures that would later come to be known as "Duel Monsters". It is in fact this evil that led to the creation of the Shadow Games in the first place.[/i]

He's also apparently a rather incompetent supervillain, given that he summoned Kuriboh.

[i]As Makaze began assembling an army of darkness with which he could take over the land, those still remaining on the side of good[/i]

Wait, even though Makaze was the first evil guy in EVER and he's only just started assembling his army, the "side of good" is already so small that its contents is described as "those still remaining"?

Maybe Good just really sucks.

[i]began to assemble an army of their own, knowing that perserving[/i]

PROOFREADING

[i]any of their great peace and accomplishments would require fighting, and they were right.[/i]

The only way to [s]perserve[/s] preserve the peace is to go to war!

For all the author's talk about how great the Kaze Minzoku were, their onscreen actions so far consist of "having everyone think exactly the same", "being fooled by a blatant villain", "losing easily", and "deciding that peace requires war". As far as I can tell, they deserved to die.

[i]A bloody war ensued, one that went on for almost twenty years with constant destruction, and right before their eyes, the world of the Kaze Minzoku was falling apart. Makaze advanced upon the city's capital, prepared to deliver a final devastating blow that would surely spell the end. In doing so, he summoned forth a creature known today as Van'Dalgyon, the Dark Dragon Lord.[/i]

That's... kind of random. When I think "unstoppable force of doom", my first thought isn't usually "random Dragon that is only useful in one decktype and that is completely vanilla after it has been Summoned".

[i]The might of the fearsome machine of destruction was [b]unstoppable[/b], and try as they might, the Kaze Minzoku were [b]unable to stop it[/b].[/i]

MY GREAT PROSE SENSES ARE TINGLING

No, seriously, read the stuff you write. This sort of thing won't get through if you do.

[i]Mercilessly, the creature continued its assault, killing thousands upon thousands of innocent civilians and creatures, and unleashing a hell unlike anything they had seen before. In a desperate effort to prevent the forthcoming destruction, a young boy by the name of Senpuu Isai, the heir to the city's throne, summoned the angel Honest, and sacrificed his own life to merge with the hero of light.[/i]

I thought Duel Monsters were an army of darkness that were only brought into this world by Makaze to serve in his evil army, but now suddenly the "heroes" can call down glorious angels of light? What, did Makaze just summon a bunch of LIGHT monsters and tell them to run off to join his opponents and then forget about them?

[i]The Kaze Maneko[/i]

They were called the Kaze Minzoku earlier. If you're not even going to take an interest in your boring nonsensical cosmology with your stupid nonsensical random Japanese names, why do you expect me to care?

[i]watched on as the Dragon was destroyed, consumed by the powers of light. But all was not saved. For Makaze was still alive, and it had taken nearly all of Senpuu's energy to vanquish Van'Dalygon.[/i]

Van'Dalygon? Not Van'Dalgyon? Do you have eyes?

Still, maybe the problem isn't on your end. Maybe the radiation is scrambling the characters. She said they were running some big tests today. She said they'd be trying to run the prototype. My mother, that is. She said that. Maybe the story's letters are being moved around, like my review's letters were turned purple. That shouldn't happen with the prototype in its current condition, but maybe they're closer to breakthrough than they think. Maybe something slipped out.

[i]The people, with no other option, sacrificed themselves, lending all of their power to Honest to deliver the finishing blow, and banish the seemingly unstoppable Makaze from destroying all they had come to know. Makaze's power was great, but he could not withstand the combined powers that stood in his way, and was killed. The few surviving Maneko people knew they had no chance at rebuilding their own civilization, so they used the last of their magic to seal it away, in four magical emblems.[/i]

...or maybe you're just a hack who decided to randomly give Honest some Captain Planet By Your Powers Combined Tinkerbell Jesus Care Bear Stare powers to resolve this mess of a plot, along with the last [s]Maneko[/s] [s]Minzoku[/s] Moronic people realizing that they couldn't rebuild their civilization (why?), so they sealed away their civilization (what does that even mean? And if their civilization was unbuilt, what was left to be sealed away?). No amount of portal nonsense could explain these failings.

[i]These emblems have come to be known as the four key stones, all of which are located throughout the world.[/i]

I'm glad you told us that. After all, I might have thought that some of them weren't in the world otherwise.

[i]The time has come for these stones to reveal themselves, as the greatness that was Maneko civlization was only intended to be hidden for so long.[/i]

I'm sorry, but who intended for them to reveal themselves now? The last remaining Maneko (since apparently that's what you're calling them now) weren't capable of rebuilding anything properly, so they apparently locked whatever remained away somehow, but why would they decide that seventeen thousand years was the proper waiting period? And how do YOU know all of this, whoever you are?

[i]This power can prove great, and improve the world as we know it today, but in the wrong hands, combined with what we know today, can cause unspeakable destruction. Only by..."[/i]

Generic ominousness strikes no resonance.

Here end the italics.

[i]There was a rustling in the bushes. Shiiro slammed the book shut and shoved it off the table, causing a loud thud as it hit the floor. He had known this day would come. He wasn't a fighter, and his small, thin frame was evidence of that. There was a knock on the door, and Shiiro managed to knock the table over, leaning behind it as a shield. A temporary hiding place, at least, to buy as much time as possible. As he waited for the door to open, accepting the fact that defense was not an option, he struggled to keep a straight face.[/i]

Let me get this straight: Shiiro had always known this day would come, yet prepared no defenses whatsoever, and was only just now reading the basic exposition we just received (from a book that cited no sources or evidence)? It sounds to me like Shiiro is a complete newbie who only just happened to stumble across all of this and didn't know anything about anything relevant to the plot until he started reading the book with us five minutes ago.

[i]What happened next, Shiiro did not see. There was a huge burst of light, and suddenly everything was gone. His body collapsed to the floor, motionless, as the intruders raided the house, shuffling through everything looking to find the item they had come for. It was near the remains of the now shattered table and the shell that was previously Shiiro's body that one of the henchman found the book. He picked up and brushed it off, holding it up so that the man next to him could get a look. The man nodded, and with that, they made their way.[/i]

They made their way... where? That's not a complete ending to a sen- oh, screw it. We've got a secret evil SWAT team killing a guy in order to take a book that seems to consist of nothing but unsubstantiated ramblings that everyone in the world will either disbelieve because of how stupid they are or already be familiar with from a more reliable source. None of this makes any sense.

[i]****************************************************************************

"[b]Woah, what was that?! Ahh![/b]" Ryder snapped back to reality as he struggled to seize control of his motorcycle,[/i]

(Bold equals italics.)

Oh, joy, our protagonist is a guy named "Ryder" who "rides" a motorcycle. Even 4Kids would be ashamed of these names.

[i]the slick, black, flame-clad bike almost crashing into a guardrail as the beam of light shot into the sky. It lasted less than two seconds, yet it illuminated the entire sky, and was certainly distracting to the point of losing his grip. He blinked his eyes a few times to restore his vision, then gripped the throttle tight as he sped off into the distance.

It was a cool night, perfect for a bike run. Ryder was by himself, lost in thought, now focusing on nothing but the light he'd seen. As his torn, faded leather jacket blew in the wind behind him, he tried to figure out what it was, how it happened. It wasn't just some normal occurence; something had literally lit up the sky. There were hardly any stars out at all, and whatever this bright yellow light had been, was caused by something out of the ordinary. He didn't believe in magic. No, he wasn't one of those people.[/i]

I'll admit, this prose isn't awful. Despite the obvious lack of spellchecking - it's supposed to be spelled "occurrence", with a double-r in the middle - the description here is above-average for a YCM fanfic, mainly because the standard for description around these parts is along the lines of "BLACK HAIR K". Nevertheless, it's also not great. A giant yellow laserbeam just illuminated the entire sky and blinded Ryder, and his conclusion after all of his deep pondering is... it was something that was unusual.

G-G-G-GENIUS!

[i]However, something had to have happened. Ryder had no job.[/i]

Hello, abrupt change of topic with nothing resembling a transition?

[i]Occasionally he'd fix up a bike or two for some extra cash, but he'd saved his money well, and at eighteen years old, he was priveleged[/i]

You mean "privileged"? That's it, we're done. I'm not reading another bloody word until you learn to spellcheck, you hack.

[i]to be able to go out for a night on the town like this.[/i]

See? I've no idea how that sentence ended, because I've stopped readi- what's that humming sound?

[i]Slowing his bike down,[/i]

It's low, but it's definitely there. It's got some sort of pattern to it, too - a rhythm of some sort.

[i]he did a complete 360 on the near-empty highway, headed towards the direction from which the light had came.[/i]

Definitely a pattern, but I can't quite pin it down. It's rather irregular. Sometimes four beats sound together, but sometimes only one or two. It's not random, though. There's a structure. It makes sense. It's there. I can almost-

It's gone. The hum is gone.

Well, I suppose I'd better get back to the story. What's the last thing I missed?

[i]he did a complete 360 on the near-empty highway, headed towards the direction from which the light had came.[/i]

He turned around by doing a 360.

A 360.

As in, three hundred and sixty degrees.

As in, not a reversal of direction but rather a full circular spin that leaves you facing the same way you began.

That's a fitting metaphor for this story, actually. After all, the entire prologue's net effect was to move the backstory back about ten thousand years and scramble the names. Star spends several paragraphs jumping through hoops with an incredibly idiotic cosmology, and for all of his effort, nothing actually changed. Truly, this is the 360 of fanfics.

The grammatical abomination that is "the direction from which the light had c[b]a[/b]me" is barely worth mentioning next to that.

[i]After a bit of riding, Ryder pulled his bike off to the side, finding himself in a location rather unfamiliar. He loved the outdoors, but not so much the forest. Surrounded by trees, searching back and forth for any signs of life, or residency, but nothing.[/i]

INDEPENDENT CLAUSES

EACH SENTENCE NEEDS ONE

[i]It was just tree after tree, and the deeper he walked into the forest, the colder it became.

[b]CAW! CAW![/b] A crow flew overhead, rattling the leaves of the trees as it did so. Ryder looked up, but saw nothing. There was an almost eerie feeling about the place, but he wasn't scared. He had no reason to be. He'd seen worse, and often times it was a result of his incredible sense of adventure. A cool breeze brushed by his face, and he pulled his jacket up close for warmth.[/i]

There's more to creating a creepy atmosphere than saying "It's cold! There's a crow! The main character thinks it's creepy, so you should to!" At least some effort is put forward here beyond just saying that it's eerie, but it's just too rudimentary to be effective.

[i]Signs of light began to appear, and Ryder squinted his eyes to get a closer look. There looked to be a house. A small one, but a house nonetheless. It was certainly an odd location, but the darkness in the area explained the light he could see. The more he thought about it, the more this location made sense; this had to have been where the light came from. Revisiting the situation, the light was closer to the middle of the forest than it was to the edge, and this house was located, literally, in the exact middle of this side of the land. It was interesting. Slowly, he crept up towards the house, not wanting to make himself known.[/i]

So let me get this straight: Ryder somehow knows that this house is literally in the exact geographic center of the forest, and it must be the source of the light because it's dark, and the darkness in the area explains the light in the area.

Or something. I've really no idea; Tommy Wiseau's The Chamber had more narrative coherence than this.

[i]The door was open, and the only source of light was from a lantern hanging outside the door. It looked brighter from far away, but the inside of the house was only dimly lit.
"I guess he's got no reason to worry out here..." Ryder joked quietly.[/i]

I'm going to guess that's a reference to some song lyrics from some song I've never heard of.

[i]He knocked on the door, and after no response, stepped inside. Everything was scattered about the floor. Papers, glass, books, you name it, it was there.[/i]

...that doesn't really sound like that extensive a variety of scattered objects, really. Papers AND books!? Wow, this is crazy!

[i]He searched around for a flashlight or something of the sort, but it was difficult to see. The crow squealed again, as Ryder whipped around behind him. There was no one there, but he'd been caught by surprise.[/i]

Jump scares are stupid enough on movies. In text form, they're utterly ridiculous.

[i]As he turned around, something caught his eye. It was a body. Whether it was a man or woman was hard to make out, but there was definitely a body, laying lifeless[/i]

Ryder hasn't a clue about the body's gender, but is instantly certain that it's dead and not just sleeping or unconscious or meditating. Maybe there's some obvious indication of its death, like its head being removed from its shoulders, but the narrator apparently decided that we didn't need that information.

[i]behind a table that had been knocked over.[/i]

And thus we are hinted that the body is Shiiro with all the subtlety of a neon sign saying "IT'S SHIIRO GUYS". Because, you know, we'd never have been able to figure out that the only two blinding flashes of light and the only two dead people in the story might be connected.

[i]"[b]What happened here?[/b]"

"Hey, buddy, you alright?" Ryder asked, not expecting a response. There was nothing but silence.[/i]

So Ryder's certain he's just come across a dead body, and his reaction is... a mild interest in more information on the situation and a calm, casual question to the body that he knows won't receive an answer.

[i]"Actually, I am, but I can't say the same for you." This voice took him by surprise. He turned back around to see a man standing at the doorway. His presence was slightly intimidating, a white t-shirt[/i]

AH! T-SHIRT! T-SHIRT! RUN! THE INTIMIDATION IS OVERWHELMING! FLEE! FLEE OR YOU'RE DEAD!

[i]covered in what looked like dirt, a grey vest, and the rest of the outfit was concealed by the darkness outside. There was a duel disk on his arm, and while Ryder had brought his own, he knew it wasn't a duel that had killed the person inside the house. It was something far stronger.[/i]

I love the implication that duels are normally fatal, but Shiiro was clearly killed by something... fatal-er. A deduction that Ryder reached based on no evidence whatsoever.

[i]“Who the hell are you?” Ryder asked through gritted teeth.

“I’m simply, well, you could say the safe keeper of this area.” He laughed. “You’ve got no place being here, and it’s my responsibility to…remove you from the premises.”[/i]

Considering that Ryder is technically trespassing here, this villain guy is actually making some sense, which is a first for any of the characters in this story. I like him.

[i]“I’d like to see you try.” Ryder motioned towards him. “Let’s see what you’re made of. I’m no weakling myself.”

The man laughed. “A fight? You’re hysterical. I’m not a man of violence.” He continued. “I’ve yet to reach that level. Rather, I’d fancy a duel.”[/i]

"I've yet to reach that level"? What the hell does that mean?

[i]“[b]Yet to reach that level? What the hell does that mean?[/b][/i]

Ryder gets points for being right on the money here... but loses them for the horrible formatting putting his internal thoughts inside his speech quotes.

[i]A duel? You’re on, but I know you’re fully aware of what’s happened here. So here’s what’s up. We’ll duel, but when I win, you fill me in on what exactly went on here.”

Again, he laughed. “If that’s your request, then so be it.” An eerie wind blew across the open area as Ryder stepped outside, the man taking a few steps back. “I’m not sure this is something you want to involve yourself in, but those who are stubborn, will always be so.”[/i]

"Yes, instead you should just give up and let me kill you. That's the sensible thing to do."

[i]“Less talk, more duel!” Ryder activated his duel disk, drawing five cards from his Deck, and a sixth to kick things off.[/i]

First you ask for answers, now you ask for silence. Ryder really doesn't have a clue what his motivation here is.

[i]“I’m not one for patience. My move!” To some, Ryder’s dueling style might come across as arrogant, but to Ryder himself, it was well-paced strategy. No point in wasting time, especially not in a situation like this.[/i]

Um, no. Unilaterally declaring that you're taking the first move is not a strategy, it's arrogant and probably illegal.

[i]“I’ll start with Static Grid!”

[spoiler=Static Grid]
Continuous Spell Card
Once per turn, you can discard 1 Thunder-Type monster to add 1 Thunder-Type monster from your Deck to your hand. Each time your opponent Normal Summons a monster, inflict 500 damage to your opponent.[/spoiler]

The open area of dirt between them was replaced by a holographic electric grid, separated by individual squares, each one surrounded by waves of electricity, quickly lighting up the area. Ryder was surprised. His opponent shielded his eyes from the light, as if it was hurting him in some way. Eventually, he lowered his arm and put on a cocky smile.

“With Static Grid in play, each time you Normal Summon a monster, you take 500 points of damage! And if that’s not shocking enough, I can discard a Thunder-Type monster from my hand to take a different Thunder-Type monster from my Deck!” Ryder grinned.[/i]

Let me re-iterate: Star posted the full effect of this card... and then had Ryder immediately state the full effect of this card.

Look, characters explaining effects they should be familiar with to each other in the anime is stupid, but it's necessary because we can't read the card effects and need to find out what the cards do. Here, such nonsensical explanations are unnecessary with the full card texts available - and is pointlessly redundant and repetitive when they're included anyhow.

If this is really the quality of writing we can expect from the duel, I'm not commenting on this nonsense anymore. Duels are always the least interesting parts of stories, and I'm not going to put up with needing to read everything twice. So I'm going to skip ahead to the end of the duel. After all, duels are always the least interesting parts of stories, and I'm not going to put up with needing to read everything twice. So I'm going to skip ahead to the end of the duel.

Luckily for me, the chapter ends before the duel does, which means I can get out of this terrible story.

While this may be technically above-average for YCM, it's still bloody awful. The writing's nothing spectacular, the plot somehow manages to be worse than the canon, the names are absurd, the characters are idiots, the card effects are repeated, the proofreading is non-existent, the backstory is laughable, the logic is absent, the card effects are repeated, and if I'm the only one who noticed that, for a story called "War of the Wind" whose backstory features a people whose name would translate into "People of the Wind" if they actually had a consistent name, this doesn't have a bloody thing to do with wind (it's just light and dark again), it's only because I'm the only one who read more than two paragraphs of this story before correctly deciding to abandon it.[/spoiler]
[/quote]

Action failed: You have reached your quota of positive votes for today.

[DARKPLANT RISING]

I liked Dead Zone better.

[Synchronized]

[spoiler=[quote name='Crab Helmet' timestamp='1302673642' post='5134877']]
[b]Once upon a time, a military project was initiated to create a network of computers for the sharing of information. The project proved so successful that it spread beyond the military into the civilian world, until eventually it became fundamental to all aspects of society. There were those who feared that it would destroy the world by becoming infected with some sort of artificial intelligence, but the true outcome was far worse: it became infected by natural stupidity.

With terrible fanfiction now free to expand beyond obscure fanzines to be seen by the whole world and every ten-year-old with a keyboard capable of posting a story, terrible fanfics have spread wide and grown in number. These horrible monstrosities conceal the rare brilliant fanfics while destroying the brains of all who read them. Such awful stories must be opposed. They are our opponents. They are our enemies. They are our foes.

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for [i]Foe Fiction[/i].[/b]

Well, this should be a step up from my first three reviews, since a glance reveals that, if nothing else, it's at least been typed intelligibly. I mean, the first [s]chapter[/s] "Episode" title is the unspeakably bland "The Quest Begins", but at least Star figured out how to make proper paragraph breaks, which has to count for something, right? Let's get started.

[i]“The game of Duel Monsters has existed for thousands of years.[/i]

Note that this sentence and in fact the next several paragraphs are all italicized in the source text, but I'm not going to be bolding each and every one of them; I'll tell you when they stop being italicized in the source.

Speaking of formatting, I looked back at my last review and noticed some odd glitches in it; some portions of the text had changed color, even though I never used [color] tags anywhere. Probably more interference from the ambient radiation. This is exactly why I hate living in a government town; either the lead shield around the house isn't strong enough, and the radiation from the portal project kills me, or there is enough lead, and then I die of lead poisoning. Having a scientist mother has its downsides.

[i]It is a widespread belief held by millions of people that the introduction of the Shadow Games marked the beginning of this era.[/i]

Really? Millions of people know about the Shadow Games now?

[i]That the Ancient Pharaohs of Egypt created and devised these games, with the hopes of vanquishing foes and maintaining power at any cost. What if…what if I were to tell you that this game existed far before the creation of the Shadow Games?[/i]

I would ask who you were and what you were doing in my house, faceless expository wall of italicized text.

[i]What if this game was played by ancient civilizations, who had learned to harness its power millennia before the rest of the world?[/i]

Yeah, that's right. This fanfic totally mixes up the Yu-Gi-Oh! canon by revealing the startling twist that... the Shadow Games were played by ancient civilizations who had learned to harness their power millennia before the rest of the world. You know, unlike the regular series, in which the Shadow Games were played by ancient civilizations who had learned to harness their power millennia before the rest of the world. I can see we're off on a rollercoaster of originality here.

Wait a minute, the rest of the world learned to harness the power of the Shadow Games? Screw this ancient history stuff, I want to hear about that happening. That sounds much more interesting than what I'm sure we're going to be treated to.

[i]The year was 15,000 B.C. Before the Nazca Lines, before the Pyramids, before any of the great landmarks you see in the world today.[/i]

The whole "it's cool because it's even older than ancient Egyptian games" thing has been used repeatedly in the anime, and was been employed as early as the Season 4 Doma arc, in which the writers insisted that Atlantis was cool and special because it was like ancient Egypt except twice as old. I'm afraid that increasing the the number B.C. doesn't actually make me care any more about your backstory; it just makes you look like more of a hack.

[i]The Kaze Minzoku, literally meaning "Wind People", or "People of the Wind".[/i]

They spoke modern Japanese despite being seventeen thousand years old. The only difference was that apparently verbs hadn't been invented back then.

[i]An incredibly adept and intelligent people, the Kaze Minzoku were spellcasters, able to control and use various sources on earth in different ways, an extremely powerful form of magic. A non-violent people,[/i]

Because they fortunately shared a hive-mind in which absolutely everyone acted the same?

[i]the Kaze used these abilities to build and construct their land, using their abilities for good, not evil, and for hundreds of years things remained that way.[/i]

Thanks to their brilliant brainwashing program, nobody deviated from the officially mandated thought process for hundreds of years.

Why do you people always write glorious fallen civilizations that have unintentional undertones of being horrible dystopias?

[i]It wasn't until about 1,000 years after their existence in this world that a caster by the name of Makaze, "evil wind", developed an unsatiable crave for power.[/i]

Well, I would too if I were named something like "Evil Wind". Sheesh, if my name were "Darkoverlord Sinisterdoom von Puppykicker", I'm sure everyone treating me as an obvious villain based purely on my name would be enough to get me to turn evil. Seriously, what kind of parents name their kid something that basically gives them no career options but supervillain or professional wrestler?

[i]The head of his village, he convinced his people that using their abilities could bring them great power, and was able to get them to believe that his intentions were good.[/i]

Yes, yes, of course the guy named EVIL WIND has nothing but your best interests at heart!

Note that this eliminates the Gilbert & Sullivan-esque motivation for Makaze that he turned evil because his sinister name caused everyone to hate him. Instead, we just have Makaze's parents being idiots, his followers being idiots, and Star being the biggest idiot for giving the supervillain an entirely arbitrary and unnecessary obvious villain name.

[i]Perhaps in his eyes, they were, but Makaze unleashed great destruction upon the world, manipulating his powers to summon a series of creatures that would later come to be known as "Duel Monsters". It is in fact this evil that led to the creation of the Shadow Games in the first place.[/i]

He's also apparently a rather incompetent supervillain, given that he summoned Kuriboh.

[i]As Makaze began assembling an army of darkness with which he could take over the land, those still remaining on the side of good[/i]

Wait, even though Makaze was the first evil guy in EVER and he's only just started assembling his army, the "side of good" is already so small that its contents is described as "those still remaining"?

Maybe Good just really sucks.

[i]began to assemble an army of their own, knowing that perserving[/i]

PROOFREADING

[i]any of their great peace and accomplishments would require fighting, and they were right.[/i]

The only way to [s]perserve[/s] preserve the peace is to go to war!

For all the author's talk about how great the Kaze Minzoku were, their onscreen actions so far consist of "having everyone think exactly the same", "being fooled by a blatant villain", "losing easily", and "deciding that peace requires war". As far as I can tell, they deserved to die.

[i]A bloody war ensued, one that went on for almost twenty years with constant destruction, and right before their eyes, the world of the Kaze Minzoku was falling apart. Makaze advanced upon the city's capital, prepared to deliver a final devastating blow that would surely spell the end. In doing so, he summoned forth a creature known today as Van'Dalgyon, the Dark Dragon Lord.[/i]

That's... kind of random. When I think "unstoppable force of doom", my first thought isn't usually "random Dragon that is only useful in one decktype and that is completely vanilla after it has been Summoned".

[i]The might of the fearsome machine of destruction was [b]unstoppable[/b], and try as they might, the Kaze Minzoku were [b]unable to stop it[/b].[/i]

MY GREAT PROSE SENSES ARE TINGLING

No, seriously, read the stuff you write. This sort of thing won't get through if you do.

[i]Mercilessly, the creature continued its assault, killing thousands upon thousands of innocent civilians and creatures, and unleashing a hell unlike anything they had seen before. In a desperate effort to prevent the forthcoming destruction, a young boy by the name of Senpuu Isai, the heir to the city's throne, summoned the angel Honest, and sacrificed his own life to merge with the hero of light.[/i]

I thought Duel Monsters were an army of darkness that were only brought into this world by Makaze to serve in his evil army, but now suddenly the "heroes" can call down glorious angels of light? What, did Makaze just summon a bunch of LIGHT monsters and tell them to run off to join his opponents and then forget about them?

[i]The Kaze Maneko[/i]

They were called the Kaze Minzoku earlier. If you're not even going to take an interest in your boring nonsensical cosmology with your stupid nonsensical random Japanese names, why do you expect me to care?

[i]watched on as the Dragon was destroyed, consumed by the powers of light. But all was not saved. For Makaze was still alive, and it had taken nearly all of Senpuu's energy to vanquish Van'Dalygon.[/i]

Van'Dalygon? Not Van'Dalgyon? Do you have eyes?

Still, maybe the problem isn't on your end. Maybe the radiation is scrambling the characters. She said they were running some big tests today. She said they'd be trying to run the prototype. My mother, that is. She said that. Maybe the story's letters are being moved around, like my review's letters were turned purple. That shouldn't happen with the prototype in its current condition, but maybe they're closer to breakthrough than they think. Maybe something slipped out.

[i]The people, with no other option, sacrificed themselves, lending all of their power to Honest to deliver the finishing blow, and banish the seemingly unstoppable Makaze from destroying all they had come to know. Makaze's power was great, but he could not withstand the combined powers that stood in his way, and was killed. The few surviving Maneko people knew they had no chance at rebuilding their own civilization, so they used the last of their magic to seal it away, in four magical emblems.[/i]

...or maybe you're just a hack who decided to randomly give Honest some Captain Planet By Your Powers Combined Tinkerbell Jesus Care Bear Stare powers to resolve this mess of a plot, along with the last [s]Maneko[/s] [s]Minzoku[/s] Moronic people realizing that they couldn't rebuild their civilization (why?), so they sealed away their civilization (what does that even mean? And if their civilization was unbuilt, what was left to be sealed away?). No amount of portal nonsense could explain these failings.

[i]These emblems have come to be known as the four key stones, all of which are located throughout the world.[/i]

I'm glad you told us that. After all, I might have thought that some of them weren't in the world otherwise.

[i]The time has come for these stones to reveal themselves, as the greatness that was Maneko civlization was only intended to be hidden for so long.[/i]

I'm sorry, but who intended for them to reveal themselves now? The last remaining Maneko (since apparently that's what you're calling them now) weren't capable of rebuilding anything properly, so they apparently locked whatever remained away somehow, but why would they decide that seventeen thousand years was the proper waiting period? And how do YOU know all of this, whoever you are?

[i]This power can prove great, and improve the world as we know it today, but in the wrong hands, combined with what we know today, can cause unspeakable destruction. Only by..."[/i]

Generic ominousness strikes no resonance.

Here end the italics.

[i]There was a rustling in the bushes. Shiiro slammed the book shut and shoved it off the table, causing a loud thud as it hit the floor. He had known this day would come. He wasn't a fighter, and his small, thin frame was evidence of that. There was a knock on the door, and Shiiro managed to knock the table over, leaning behind it as a shield. A temporary hiding place, at least, to buy as much time as possible. As he waited for the door to open, accepting the fact that defense was not an option, he struggled to keep a straight face.[/i]

Let me get this straight: Shiiro had always known this day would come, yet prepared no defenses whatsoever, and was only just now reading the basic exposition we just received (from a book that cited no sources or evidence)? It sounds to me like Shiiro is a complete newbie who only just happened to stumble across all of this and didn't know anything about anything relevant to the plot until he started reading the book with us five minutes ago.

[i]What happened next, Shiiro did not see. There was a huge burst of light, and suddenly everything was gone. His body collapsed to the floor, motionless, as the intruders raided the house, shuffling through everything looking to find the item they had come for. It was near the remains of the now shattered table and the shell that was previously Shiiro's body that one of the henchman found the book. He picked up and brushed it off, holding it up so that the man next to him could get a look. The man nodded, and with that, they made their way.[/i]

They made their way... where? That's not a complete ending to a sen- oh, screw it. We've got a secret evil SWAT team killing a guy in order to take a book that seems to consist of nothing but unsubstantiated ramblings that everyone in the world will either disbelieve because of how stupid they are or already be familiar with from a more reliable source. None of this makes any sense.

[i]****************************************************************************

"[b]Woah, what was that?! Ahh![/b]" Ryder snapped back to reality as he struggled to seize control of his motorcycle,[/i]

(Bold equals italics.)

Oh, joy, our protagonist is a guy named "Ryder" who "rides" a motorcycle. Even 4Kids would be ashamed of these names.

[i]the slick, black, flame-clad bike almost crashing into a guardrail as the beam of light shot into the sky. It lasted less than two seconds, yet it illuminated the entire sky, and was certainly distracting to the point of losing his grip. He blinked his eyes a few times to restore his vision, then gripped the throttle tight as he sped off into the distance.

It was a cool night, perfect for a bike run. Ryder was by himself, lost in thought, now focusing on nothing but the light he'd seen. As his torn, faded leather jacket blew in the wind behind him, he tried to figure out what it was, how it happened. It wasn't just some normal occurence; something had literally lit up the sky. There were hardly any stars out at all, and whatever this bright yellow light had been, was caused by something out of the ordinary. He didn't believe in magic. No, he wasn't one of those people.[/i]

I'll admit, this prose isn't awful. Despite the obvious lack of spellchecking - it's supposed to be spelled "occurrence", with a double-r in the middle - the description here is above-average for a YCM fanfic, mainly because the standard for description around these parts is along the lines of "BLACK HAIR K". Nevertheless, it's also not great. A giant yellow laserbeam just illuminated the entire sky and blinded Ryder, and his conclusion after all of his deep pondering is... it was something that was unusual.

G-G-G-GENIUS!

[i]However, something had to have happened. Ryder had no job.[/i]

Hello, abrupt change of topic with nothing resembling a transition?

[i]Occasionally he'd fix up a bike or two for some extra cash, but he'd saved his money well, and at eighteen years old, he was priveleged[/i]

You mean "privileged"? That's it, we're done. I'm not reading another bloody word until you learn to spellcheck, you hack.

[i]to be able to go out for a night on the town like this.[/i]

See? I've no idea how that sentence ended, because I've stopped readi- what's that humming sound?

[i]Slowing his bike down,[/i]

It's low, but it's definitely there. It's got some sort of pattern to it, too - a rhythm of some sort.

[i]he did a complete 360 on the near-empty highway, headed towards the direction from which the light had came.[/i]

Definitely a pattern, but I can't quite pin it down. It's rather irregular. Sometimes four beats sound together, but sometimes only one or two. It's not random, though. There's a structure. It makes sense. It's there. I can almost-

It's gone. The hum is gone.

Well, I suppose I'd better get back to the story. What's the last thing I missed?

[i]he did a complete 360 on the near-empty highway, headed towards the direction from which the light had came.[/i]

He turned around by doing a 360.

A 360.

As in, three hundred and sixty degrees.

As in, not a reversal of direction but rather a full circular spin that leaves you facing the same way you began.

That's a fitting metaphor for this story, actually. After all, the entire prologue's net effect was to move the backstory back about ten thousand years and scramble the names. Star spends several paragraphs jumping through hoops with an incredibly idiotic cosmology, and for all of his effort, nothing actually changed. Truly, this is the 360 of fanfics.

The grammatical abomination that is "the direction from which the light had c[b]a[/b]me" is barely worth mentioning next to that.

[i]After a bit of riding, Ryder pulled his bike off to the side, finding himself in a location rather unfamiliar. He loved the outdoors, but not so much the forest. Surrounded by trees, searching back and forth for any signs of life, or residency, but nothing.[/i]

INDEPENDENT CLAUSES

EACH SENTENCE NEEDS ONE

[i]It was just tree after tree, and the deeper he walked into the forest, the colder it became.

[b]CAW! CAW![/b] A crow flew overhead, rattling the leaves of the trees as it did so. Ryder looked up, but saw nothing. There was an almost eerie feeling about the place, but he wasn't scared. He had no reason to be. He'd seen worse, and often times it was a result of his incredible sense of adventure. A cool breeze brushed by his face, and he pulled his jacket up close for warmth.[/i]

There's more to creating a creepy atmosphere than saying "It's cold! There's a crow! The main character thinks it's creepy, so you should to!" At least some effort is put forward here beyond just saying that it's eerie, but it's just too rudimentary to be effective.

[i]Signs of light began to appear, and Ryder squinted his eyes to get a closer look. There looked to be a house. A small one, but a house nonetheless. It was certainly an odd location, but the darkness in the area explained the light he could see. The more he thought about it, the more this location made sense; this had to have been where the light came from. Revisiting the situation, the light was closer to the middle of the forest than it was to the edge, and this house was located, literally, in the exact middle of this side of the land. It was interesting. Slowly, he crept up towards the house, not wanting to make himself known.[/i]

So let me get this straight: Ryder somehow knows that this house is literally in the exact geographic center of the forest, and it must be the source of the light because it's dark, and the darkness in the area explains the light in the area.

Or something. I've really no idea; Tommy Wiseau's The Chamber had more narrative coherence than this.

[i]The door was open, and the only source of light was from a lantern hanging outside the door. It looked brighter from far away, but the inside of the house was only dimly lit.
"I guess he's got no reason to worry out here..." Ryder joked quietly.[/i]

I'm going to guess that's a reference to some song lyrics from some song I've never heard of.

[i]He knocked on the door, and after no response, stepped inside. Everything was scattered about the floor. Papers, glass, books, you name it, it was there.[/i]

...that doesn't really sound like that extensive a variety of scattered objects, really. Papers AND books!? Wow, this is crazy!

[i]He searched around for a flashlight or something of the sort, but it was difficult to see. The crow squealed again, as Ryder whipped around behind him. There was no one there, but he'd been caught by surprise.[/i]

Jump scares are stupid enough on movies. In text form, they're utterly ridiculous.

[i]As he turned around, something caught his eye. It was a body. Whether it was a man or woman was hard to make out, but there was definitely a body, laying lifeless[/i]

Ryder hasn't a clue about the body's gender, but is instantly certain that it's dead and not just sleeping or unconscious or meditating. Maybe there's some obvious indication of its death, like its head being removed from its shoulders, but the narrator apparently decided that we didn't need that information.

[i]behind a table that had been knocked over.[/i]

And thus we are hinted that the body is Shiiro with all the subtlety of a neon sign saying "IT'S SHIIRO GUYS". Because, you know, we'd never have been able to figure out that the only two blinding flashes of light and the only two dead people in the story might be connected.

[i]"[b]What happened here?[/b]"

"Hey, buddy, you alright?" Ryder asked, not expecting a response. There was nothing but silence.[/i]

So Ryder's certain he's just come across a dead body, and his reaction is... a mild interest in more information on the situation and a calm, casual question to the body that he knows won't receive an answer.

[i]"Actually, I am, but I can't say the same for you." This voice took him by surprise. He turned back around to see a man standing at the doorway. His presence was slightly intimidating, a white t-shirt[/i]

AH! T-SHIRT! T-SHIRT! RUN! THE INTIMIDATION IS OVERWHELMING! FLEE! FLEE OR YOU'RE DEAD!

[i]covered in what looked like dirt, a grey vest, and the rest of the outfit was concealed by the darkness outside. There was a duel disk on his arm, and while Ryder had brought his own, he knew it wasn't a duel that had killed the person inside the house. It was something far stronger.[/i]

I love the implication that duels are normally fatal, but Shiiro was clearly killed by something... fatal-er. A deduction that Ryder reached based on no evidence whatsoever.

[i]“Who the hell are you?” Ryder asked through gritted teeth.

“I’m simply, well, you could say the safe keeper of this area.” He laughed. “You’ve got no place being here, and it’s my responsibility to…remove you from the premises.”[/i]

Considering that Ryder is technically trespassing here, this villain guy is actually making some sense, which is a first for any of the characters in this story. I like him.

[i]“I’d like to see you try.” Ryder motioned towards him. “Let’s see what you’re made of. I’m no weakling myself.”

The man laughed. “A fight? You’re hysterical. I’m not a man of violence.” He continued. “I’ve yet to reach that level. Rather, I’d fancy a duel.”[/i]

"I've yet to reach that level"? What the hell does that mean?

[i]“[b]Yet to reach that level? What the hell does that mean?[/b][/i]

Ryder gets points for being right on the money here... but loses them for the horrible formatting putting his internal thoughts inside his speech quotes.

[i]A duel? You’re on, but I know you’re fully aware of what’s happened here. So here’s what’s up. We’ll duel, but when I win, you fill me in on what exactly went on here.”

Again, he laughed. “If that’s your request, then so be it.” An eerie wind blew across the open area as Ryder stepped outside, the man taking a few steps back. “I’m not sure this is something you want to involve yourself in, but those who are stubborn, will always be so.”[/i]

"Yes, instead you should just give up and let me kill you. That's the sensible thing to do."

[i]“Less talk, more duel!” Ryder activated his duel disk, drawing five cards from his Deck, and a sixth to kick things off.[/i]

First you ask for answers, now you ask for silence. Ryder really doesn't have a clue what his motivation here is.

[i]“I’m not one for patience. My move!” To some, Ryder’s dueling style might come across as arrogant, but to Ryder himself, it was well-paced strategy. No point in wasting time, especially not in a situation like this.[/i]

Um, no. Unilaterally declaring that you're taking the first move is not a strategy, it's arrogant and probably illegal.

[i]“I’ll start with Static Grid!”

[spoiler=Static Grid]
Continuous Spell Card
Once per turn, you can discard 1 Thunder-Type monster to add 1 Thunder-Type monster from your Deck to your hand. Each time your opponent Normal Summons a monster, inflict 500 damage to your opponent.[/spoiler]

The open area of dirt between them was replaced by a holographic electric grid, separated by individual squares, each one surrounded by waves of electricity, quickly lighting up the area. Ryder was surprised. His opponent shielded his eyes from the light, as if it was hurting him in some way. Eventually, he lowered his arm and put on a cocky smile.

“With Static Grid in play, each time you Normal Summon a monster, you take 500 points of damage! And if that’s not shocking enough, I can discard a Thunder-Type monster from my hand to take a different Thunder-Type monster from my Deck!” Ryder grinned.[/i]

Let me re-iterate: Star posted the full effect of this card... and then had Ryder immediately state the full effect of this card.

Look, characters explaining effects they should be familiar with to each other in the anime is stupid, but it's necessary because we can't read the card effects and need to find out what the cards do. Here, such nonsensical explanations are unnecessary with the full card texts available - and is pointlessly redundant and repetitive when they're included anyhow.

If this is really the quality of writing we can expect from the duel, I'm not commenting on this nonsense anymore. Duels are always the least interesting parts of stories, and I'm not going to put up with needing to read everything twice. So I'm going to skip ahead to the end of the duel. After all, duels are always the least interesting parts of stories, and I'm not going to put up with needing to read everything twice. So I'm going to skip ahead to the end of the duel.

Luckily for me, the chapter ends before the duel does, which means I can get out of this terrible story.

While this may be technically above-average for YCM, it's still bloody awful. The writing's nothing spectacular, the plot somehow manages to be worse than the canon, the names are absurd, the characters are idiots, the card effects are repeated, the proofreading is non-existent, the backstory is laughable, the logic is absent, the card effects are repeated, and if I'm the only one who noticed that, for a story called "War of the Wind" whose backstory features a people whose name would translate into "People of the Wind" if they actually had a consistent name, this doesn't have a bloody thing to do with wind (it's just light and dark again), it's only because I'm the only one who read more than two paragraphs of this story before correctly deciding to abandon it.
[/quote][/spoiler]

First off, I do appreciate you taking the time to review it. While most of it was critical (as expected), you sat there, you read it, and you pointed out a lot of things that was right out there, and yet somehow I didn't notice them.

I have:

- gone through and done a spell check, correcting all of the spelling errors that I was unable to (automatically) do before
- fixed the consistency issues with the name, which was a mistype on my part, and changed Van'Dalgyon to its proper name
- changed the "360" issue to "180", I'm not sure what I was thinking there
- removed the thoughts from quotations
- begun to cut down on the effect explanations; I had only done it for completeness, in a way, but if it doesn't seem necessary, I will no longer include it

Episode 2 is mostly the duel, with some plot developments at the end. And of course it has to do with WIND. I've just yet to get into much of the back story aside from what I had wanted to include as an introduction.

[Synchronized]

[spoiler=Episode 2: The Angel of Light]
“Before we continue,” the man inquired. “Call me Itari. I always feel that…a name makes it much easier to understand a person.” He formed an odd look with his face, curving his eyes slightly. “However, I don’t expect you to understand me, or any of this for that matter.”

“I’m not one to understand right away,” Ryder grinned. “I prefer to act first, and think about it later.” The Synchro across the field glared straight into Ryder’s eyes, just waiting for the opportunity to leap across the field and tear him to shreds. He smiled, welcoming the challenge. “I do have one question.”

“Oh?” Itari looked right at him. “And what might that be?”

“I’m not going to waste my time trying to figure out how you knew I was here.” Ryder snapped back. “It’s obvious there’s something going on here, and even more obvious that you’re in some way involved.” He continued. “And I’m not an official; I’ve got no authority at all. Which leads me to ask, why duel me? I had no idea you were there; you could’ve easily attacked me while I wasn’t looking, and done away with me rather effortlessly. So why spend the time?”

Itari hesitated before responding. He was insane, Ryder could just tell. The maniacal laughter, the creepy persona, the zombie cards, something about this guy just screamed “not right”, and while he wasn’t scared, he had no problem keeping his distance. “Why that one’s easy! I love to have some fun!” There it was again, the laugh. Just bizarre.

[i]This guy’s completely lost it. Yet, he’s got me backed into a wall already. Something doesn’t feel right. It may be the dead guy in the house, or the giant light, perhaps a combination of the two…[/i] Ryder thought to himself. He knew he could take the Synchro out, but doing so would bring back the Zombie Spirit, meaning he’d get a second Spell Card, and the capability to replace it with a new Synchro.

“Of course I’m not being serious,” the man giggled quietly. “I was given orders to secure the area. We knew that once the process was complete, anyone in the surrounding area, and probably all over the world, would see the light.” He went on. “Anyone nearby would be inclined to find out what happened, right? Well here you are.”

[i]I hate to admit it, but I definitely walked myself into a trap here. To think they wouldn’t try to cover themselves was a simple mistake, but it doesn’t matter. I’ll just win, and find out exactly what’s going on.[/i] Ryder continued to watch in his direction, as Itari began to speak again.

“The answer is simple. For, defeating you in a duel…well it would prove more beneficial to us than simply killing you.” Itari said, smiling.

“What…what do you mean?!” There was a sense of anger in Ryder’s voice as he glared across the field; more beneficial? A slight fear overtook him. Not to the point where he wanted to run away, but the time to be serious had definitely kicked in.

“That’s all I can tell you,” Itari replied. “For, our agreement, should you somehow win, is that I will tell you what I know. For me to reveal all of that now, well, that would take away your determination to win, and would make this game far less fun.” He pointed across the field at the now-zombified phoenix. “Now then, Zombified Dragon Lancer, take out his Wattphoenix! Go, Grave Impale!”

In one swift motion, the monster leapt across the field, driving its sharpened lance straight into the chest of the once electric bird. It let out a desperate cry, and was pulled into the valley below.

[b]Ryder’s LP[/b]: 2800

“Is that the best you can do?” Ryder asked through gritted teeth, showing his determination which didn’t really bring much of a reaction from his opponent.

“Hehe, far from it!” Itari was far from finished. He was just getting started. “For you see, my Zombified Dragon Lancer has a special ability! When it destroys one of your Zombie-Type monsters by battle, I’m allowed to call upon a level 3 or lower Zombie from my Deck, and bring it to the field! Show yourself, Armored Zombie!”

[spoiler=Armored Zombie]
Level 3
DARK
[Zombie]
1500/0[/spoiler]

Both players looked down into the valley, as a grotesque warrior, in rusty brown armor began a climb towards the field. It looked as thought it might have been human at one point, though it was anything but now. As it took its place on the field, a short sword materialized within its right hand.

[i]Another monster? Ugh, come on![/i] Ryder braced for impact.

“You do not understand the way the world works! When all is lost, that is when you truly grasp power!” The zombie pointed its sword into the air. “Armored Zombie, attack him with Haunting Slash!” Like the lancer before it, the Armored Zombie readied its sword, jumped over the valley, and struck Ryder himself right in the shoulder. He stepped back, still grinning, as he wasn’t going down without a fight.

[b]Ryder’s LP[/b]: 1300

Itari’s smile remained for a moment, until the creature settled back onto the field, and he was able to see that Ryder had activated his face-down card. “What’s this?”

“Heh,” Ryder had a confidence about him. “You’re not the only one capable of pulling off impressive strategies. Go, Bolt Collector!”

[spoiler=Bolt Collector]
Normal Trap Card
You can only activate this card after your opponent has successfully attacked your Life Points directly for a second time during the same Battle Phase. Select 1 Level 3 or lower Thunder-Type monster from your Deck and Special Summon it in face-up Defense Position. When the monster is Special Summoned, inflict 300 damage to your opponent.[/spoiler]

Electric charges began to appear on Ryder’s side of the field, being drawn towards one another, forming a large sphere of electricity in the center of the field. A bullet-shaped creature, complete with mechanical arms and legs a dark orange color, formed in the center of it. It punched a hole in the top of the sphere, shooting into the sky and landing on the field. A lightning bolt shot from its right hand, striking Itari right in the chest. He laughed it off.

[b]Itari’s LP[/b]: 3200

“With Bolt Collector, since you attacked me twice, I can bring a Thunder monster from my Deck, and I’ve chosen to summon my Thundershot! In addition, you take 300 points of damage!” Ryder watched Itari’s face carefully, looking for signs of frustration. Nothing but the craziness was there.

[spoiler=Thundershot]
Level 2
LIGHT
[Thunder / Effect]
Once per turn, if this card would be destroyed by battle, it is not destroyed. Each time you Normal Summon a Thunder-Type monster, you can select and destroy 1 card your opponent controls.
100/900[/spoiler]

Ryder was ready. With Thunderbolt, he’d be able to summon the Thunder King Raiou in his hand, and in the process destroy the Zombified Lancer. Raiou’s own strength could take Armored Zombie out, and all he’d have left was the Zombie Spirit. Yet at the same time, there was a good chance he had another Synchro waiting in the wings. That’s where Raiou’s second effect came in. Once he tried to bring Zombie Spirit back, Raiou could sacrifice itself, negate the summon, and finally keep that thing in the Graveyard. It might not work that easily, though. If that plan backfired, he’d be defenseless. What to do…

“Once face-down card, and my turn’s finally concluded.” Itari watched in anticipation as Ryder drew a card from his Deck.

“Took you long enough.” Ryder glanced over his hand, carefully deciding upon this move. He had a strategy set out, but it might not work as easily as he was expecting it to. Plus, the face-down card Itari had just played added more intrigue to the situation.

The smell of rotting flesh filled the air – and it was a disgusting one at that. The quicker he could finish this duel, the better off he’d be. The strategy was perfect, it would normally work, but his gut feeling was telling him that Itari would have some way around it, and one misplay could cost him the duel. He could have killed him, Itari. While he was standing inside the house…yet he chose not to. A duel, instead, and it just made no sense. If he didn’t want the information getting out, he could have killed him right there; there would’ve been nothing he could have done to save himself.

[i]I guess this is what I get for craving adventure.[/i] He laughed to himself. “Let’s do this, huh? I summon Thunder King Raiou in attack mode!”

[spoiler=-Thunder King Raiou]
Level 4
LIGHT
[Thunder / Effect]
Neither player can add cards from their Deck to their hand except by drawing them. You can send this face-up card to the Graveyard to negate the Special Summon of 1 of your opponent monsters, and destroy it.
1900/800[/spoiler]

A shock of light illuminated the area, with brightness far beyond the mere lantern hanging on the outside of the house, and bolts of lightning struck the valley below as Thunder King Raiou descended upon the field from above. Two rings appeared, one on each side, as the blue armored warrior hovered between them.

“Don’t get too confident,” Itari showed no concern. “I know exactly what you’re planning, and it will be of no use to you!”

“Heh. Let’s just see about that.” Ryder paused. “First of all, Thundershot’s effect kicks in, and since I normal summoned a monster, I can destroy 1 card on your field.”

“And let me guess, you’ll be sending my Zombified Dragon Lancer to the Graveyard?” Not only was this guy crazy, he was arrogant. Two traits that, when put together, were extremely annoying. It was obvious he was working for someone, or something. The way he acted and the way he dueled, it was as if he only got the opportunity to be like this when the people above him weren’t around.

“Don’t get too ahead of yourself.” Ryder smirked. “You say I don’t understand things, but maybe you’re the one who’s not playing with strategy. If winning is so detrimental to you, you think you’d be trying just a little bit harder. No, I’m not going to destroy your Synchro.” Thundershot began to charge electricity around its arm, prepared to launch.

“You’re bluffing…” Itari stood upright.

“Not quite. I’m gonna destroy your face-down card instead!”

“But why?!” Like a bullet, the shockwave flew across the field and shattered the face-down hologram into thousands of pieces. Chaos Burst. Had he attacked, the trap would have destroyed both monsters, yet dealt 1000 damage to his Life Points, leaving him with 300, and no way to prevent Itari from hitting one last attack. It was smart not to play the way he’d intended to.

“What am I worried about?” Itari tried to reassure himself, despite the idea that perhaps Ryder was onto something. He’d come too far to lose at this point. Not to mention, that wouldn’t sit too well with them…

“I’m not sure, but I’ve got something you should be worried about.” Ryder motioned towards the field. “Your Synchro monster staying in one piece. This one might sting a little.”

“Has all of this gotten to your head and you’ve finally started to crack?” Itari asked, laughing maniacally. “Thunder King Raiou’s lacking on attack points.”

“You know, for a maniac, you’re not too smart.” The field light up as Ryder slid a card into his duel disk. “I play the Spell Card Shine Palace!” The electricity around Raiou began to grow in intensity, and it became surrounded by a bright light, noticeably different from the one the lightning itself gave off.

[spoiler=Shine Palace]
Equip Spell Card
Increase the ATK of a LIGHT monster equipped with this card by 700.[/spoiler]

“With Shine Palace in play, Raiou’s attack increases to a whopping total of 2600, which is more than enough to send your zombie to the Graveyard!”

“Go ahead; I’d actually prefer if you attacked!” Itari welcomed the onslaught. As soon as his Dragon Lancer was sent to the Graveyard, Zombie Spirit would return to the field, and he could activate any Spell Card from his Deck. He had just the one in mind.

“You asked for it! Thunder King Raiou, send his Armored Zombie back to the pit it crawled out of! Static Shot!” The creature had no problem complying, as the lightning around it was drawn towards the rings, then magnetically pulled towards its center, then fired across the field at the zombie, who put its sword up to block, to no avail.

[b]Itari’s LP[/b]: 2300

“Armored Zombie! But I thought for sure you—”

“You thought for sure I’d fall for your trap, and take out your Zombified Dragon Lancer instead.” Ryder interrupted. “But I’m not stupid. Just because I like adventure doesn’t mean I don’t know how to play this game, and I’m not going to play right into your hand by letting you bring Zombie Spirit back to the field.”

Itari cringed. “But that means…”

“You’re cornered.” Ryder knew Itari had used up all of his resources, and the once arrogant look that lined his face was now one of panic. He was instructed to duel and win, and his crazy, maniacal ways had led him to risk it all in one move. It was foolish, and that reality had just set in. “You’ve used up all your cards, with only one left in your hand. Your Dragon Lancer may be tough, but you’ve got no way to take my Raiou out!”

“You…hehe…overestimate your own ability.” He glanced over his hand, selecting a Spell Card and inserting it into his Duel Disk. “For I play the Spell Card, Grave Fate!”

[spoiler=Grave Fate]
Normal Spell Card
Select 1 Zombie-Type monster you control and 1 Zombie-Type monster your opponent controls, and switch control of those monsters until the End Phase of this turn. During your opponent’s next Standby Phase, if either of the selected monsters has been removed from the field, your opponent can draw 1 card.[/spoiler]

Mystifying smoke began to sift from the valley below, encasing both creatures, and making it difficult to see the field at all. Ryder knew what the card’s effect was; he hadn’t anticipated a move like this, but it already made sense. Itari would switch the monsters, using Raiou to destroy his own Zombified Dragon Lancer, at which point Zombie Spirit would return to the field. After that, he could Synchro Summon a monster using both Raiou and Zombie Spirit, and Ryder himself would be left with nothing. With only 1300 Life Points left, he didn’t have much of a chance to survive if Itari pulled this move off.

“I know you’re no fool; you know what happens next,” he continued. “You were right in saying I’ve got no way to take your Thunder King out, but wrong in believing I had no way to use it against you.” Itari let out a cackle, and directed his monster to attack. “Raiou, do my bidding and destroy Zombified Dragon Lancer with Static Shot!” Again the lightning bolts magnetized towards the center, only this time, their target was the same one responsible for bringing them into existence. With no face-downs, Ryder simply put his hands to his face to cover the impact as the Lancer was dragged down into the valley.

[b]Ryder’s LP[/b]: 900

“I understand that you are a mere child, you have no experience of this world or the dangers it has yet to experience. In due time, you will come to realize that, that which is about to transpire, is for the good of the world, and eventually you will join our cause! It will be inevitable to avoid such a promising future!”

[i]What’s all this mumbo-jumbo about dangers? The only danger I can see here is the fact that I’m in danger of losing. I’m literally starting to believe this guy’s out of his mind. Maybe he went nuts and killed the guy inside the house…the only thing that wouldn’t make sense, then, is the light…[/i] He had no response, simply staring across the field at his own monster, which would be returning to him momentarily. But first, smoke began to rise from the valley once more, and the spherical entity known as Zombie Spirit took its place on the field, its eyes glaring across the field, straight into Ryder’s own.

“Hey, listen, no offense, but you’re boring me to death. Pretty soon I’m gonna end up looking like one of your little zombie monsters.” Ryder positioned himself, standing upright. “If you’re gonna do something, can you do it already?”

“You’re right, boy.” Itari picked up his Deck, searching through it a couple of times as he prepared to select a Spell Card. “I don’t much care that I’m boring you, but I feel I’ve had my share of fun. It’s time to bring this duel to a close. And I’ll do just that, with the effect of my Everliving Underworld Cannon!”

[spoiler=Everliving Underworld Cannon]
Continuous Spell Card
Once during each player's turn, when a Zombie-Type monster is Special Summoned to your side of the field, inflict 800 damage to your opponent.[/spoiler]

Ryder jumped back as a series of chains burst from the dirt, sending fragments of rubble throughout the air. As they shot up, they brought with them a structure comprised completely of skulls, somewhat resembling a cannon.

[i]This isn’t good at all.[/i] In just seconds, Itari would bring out a Synchro monster, one which could easily finish him off, but in addition, the cannon would deal 800 points of damage, leaving him with only 100 points.

“I must say, I’m impressed. You’ve quickly grasped an understanding of the way my Deck works.” Itari smiled. “Not that it’s difficult. However, I can tell just by looking at you that you’ve predicted my next move. Yet it doesn’t matter, for you have nothing to stop it! I shall tune Zombie Spirit with Thunder King Raiou, and in turn, Synchro Summon Bolt Skeletor!”

[spoiler=Bolt Skeletor]
WIND
Level 5
[Zombie / Synchro]
“Zombie Spirit” + 1 non-Tuner Thunder-Type monster
When this card is Synchro Summoned, you can select 1 Zombie-Type monster in your Graveyard. During the End Phase of your opponent’s next turn, Special Summon the selected monster to your field in face-up Defense Position. As long as this card remains face-up on the field, all face-up monsters you control are treated as WIND monsters, and all WIND monsters gain 300 ATK.
2300/0[/spoiler]

[i]Is there any strategy this guy can’t counter? Come on now.[/i] Ryder didn’t need an explanation as the cannon of skulls fired a skull made of mist across the field, one that struck him right in the chest. For mist, it certainly hit hard.

[b]Ryder’s LP[/b]: 100

“Do you now realize why I’ve said the things I’ve said?” Itari grinned. “I knew I would win this duel before it began, and there was no way that an irrelevant figure like you would be able to stop me. Or should I say, stop us.”

“Who is this us you keep referencing?” Now he was getting annoyed. The arrogance was one thing, but the mystery and suspense was taking it over the top. He was tired of listening to this clown run his mouth, and planned to do something about it. By the looks of things, he had until the end phase of his next turn to win, otherwise Bolt Skeletor would revive another monster, and the Everliving Underworld Cannon would blast him for 800 points, taking him out of the duel.

“Don’t you worry, for it’s just about to be over, and you won’t have to worry about a thing.” He burst into laughter, so loud that birds scattered from nearby trees and took off into the air, frightened by what they’d heard. Itari placed a face-down card into his duel disk.

“Is that so?” The mist made it difficult to see Itari’s face, but Ryder could sense the tension as he looked down at his hand, then back up and managed a big smile. “Maybe you thought you were going to win, and I hate to disappoint, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to finish this one up.”

“Why the smile? What do you have to be smiling about?!”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” He’d done it. The luck of the draw paid off, as Ryder had drawn the monster Honest, which, combined with the Electro Soldier in his hand, would be able to take out the Bolt Skeletor with no problem, dealing 2500 damage in the process, and winning him the game, without having to worry about the Cannon this time. “I’m smiling…because I’ve just won this game! Summon, Electro Soldier!”

[spoiler=Electro Soldier]
LIGHT
Level 5
[Thunder / Effect] If your opponent controls a Level 5 or higher monster and you control no cards, you can Normal Summon this card from your hand without Tributing. Increase the ATK of this card by 500 for each Thunder-Type monster you control.
2000/1400[/spoiler]

A flash of light lit up the field as the large, full-of-presence soldier took the field, wielding a mace surrounded by bolts of electricity. It hovered above the valley, a proud, brave warrior.

“I hate to rain on your parade, but your attempts at victory are useless! Look at it this way! If your monster attacks my Bolt Skeletor, I’ll lose only 200 Life Points, and then Zombie Spirit will be Special Summoned, causing you to take 800 points of damage! On the other hand, if you don’t attack, in just moments I’ll Special Summon my Paladin of Cursed Dragon from the Graveyard, meaning either way, you lose!”

“You’re always so quick to assume you’ve got the upper hand, when in reality, you’re not taking into account the cards I’ve got in my hand.” Ryder smiled. Itari stared at him, puzzled. “Electro Soldier, attack his Bolt Skeletor with Voltage Shockwave!” The soldier held its mace out forward, a beam of energy charging at the end of it. As it prepared to fire the beam, Ryder revealed his final card. The look on Itari’s face was one of defeat, yet denial. It couldn’t be, there was no way!

“Is that?! But how?!” He was rambling.

“I call upon the angel of light, Honest! By revealing Honest in my hand, my Electro Soldier gets a huge power up, for one turn only!”

[spoiler=Honest]
LIGHT
Level 4
[Fairy / Effect]
During your Main Phase, you can return this card from the field to its owner's hand. During either player's Damage Step, when a face-up LIGHT monster you control battles, you can send this card from your hand to the Graveyard to have that monster gain ATK equal to the ATK of the opponent's monster it is battling, until the End Phase.
1100/1900[/spoiler]

A feint outline of the angelic creature appeared behind Electro Soldier, as the beam of energy amidst its mace was fired. With energy from Honest itself, the beam tripled in size, headed straight for the skeleton across the field, and shattering it to pixels.

[b]Itari’s LP[/b]: 0

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

Ryder had no idea how to respond as his opponent dropped to his knees, shaking with disbelief. He was looking around, every card in his deck scrambled in a pile in front of him. What was just the Zombie World field spell, a wide, open valley full of undead souls, was now a patch of dirt, and things felt normal again. Well, not normal, but they were no longer dueling, and Itari seemed to be a bit more human.

“How could this happen?” He asked, not looking for an actual answer. “Everything was laid out so perfectly, there was no way for this to fail! I don’t understand! Pl…please forgive me!”

With that, he looked up towards the sky. In a matter of seconds, the same beam of light Ryder had seen on the highway enveloped Itari, leaving nothing but a body behind. It took him a minute to take it all in. When he finally realized what had happened, he fell to the ground, exhausted, and unconscious.

[b]To be continued…[/b][/spoiler]

This episode was basically the conclusion of the first duel. I had originally considered having Itari win, but changed my mind at the last second. For story purposes, the next episode will have no duel, and will focus completely on plot development.

[Synchronized]

Any feedback guys? It'd be greatly appreciated!