goldenboy820 Posted April 24, 2009 Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 [spoiler=Chapter 1]I don't own Yugioh or none of that, but you should already know that.This is a fanfic about a child prodigy named Jo who gets mixed up in many life changing duels. Just read. Chapter 1:Victorious The Grand Tournament was almost over. There could only be one winner. But Jo knew who that would be. MC:This is getting close! Both players only have 500 points left, but Duster seems to have the advantage! He has his Trump card on the field(Dark Simorgh, ATK 2700 DEF 1000) and a face-down on the field! If Jo pulls of a win, it wold be miraculous!!! Duster, Jo's opponent, decided this was the best time to taunt him. DUSTER: "Child prodigy". Heh, you only have 1 card on your field! that field spell, Fairy-tale Forest. No one can beat my unbeatable winning streak, not even a brat like you! JO: well then, it's time someone puts you in your place. My move!I activate my Fairy-tale forest's effect. If I control no monsters, I can Special Summon 1 Mythic monster from my Graveyard! A small Chibi fairy statue appeared to his field. JO: My Mythic Fairy Statue! (level 3 ATK 0 DEF 0) DUSTER: a level three tuner monster, with 0 attack? it can't beat Dark Simorgh, you idiot! plus you are aware that you can't set cards due to my monster's effect, aren't you? Jo: I'm well aware. Next I summon, Mythic Sprite in attack mode!(level 3 ATK 300 DEF 2000) A small sprite appeared to the field. DUSTER:...You are about to- Jo: Synchro Summon. That's right. Now, I tune my statue with my sprite! Go! Synchro Summon!! BUTTERFLY DRAGON!!! Dust began to form, and a figure appeard to the field. Then, a dragon emerged from the dust and the dust scattered.(Level 6 ATK 2400 DEF 1100) DUSTER: What is this, your key card? are you aware that it is weaker than my Dark Simorgh? JO:Brute strength only dosent win duels. When my dragon is Synchro Summoned, if Fairy-tale Forest is on the feld, I can pay 800 lifepoints to destroy 2 cards on the field. DUSTER: But you don't have 800 lifepoints. JO: Yes, I do. When Mythic Sprite is removed from the field, I gain 1000 lifepoints. Jo: 500+1000-800=700 lifepoints DUSTER:...I'm about to lose... No... I can't... lose... JO:yes, you can. Don't ever underestimate me. I am the best duelist in the world. And you... you peice of scum! Butterfly Dragon, Dust Spore!!! Jo's dragon Shot out a beam from it's mouth that cleared the field and wiped out the rest of Duster's lifepoints. Duster:500-2400=-1900, or 0 MC: HE WON!!! JO PULLED IT OFF AGAIN!!! HOW DOES HE DO IT?!!! JO:don't ever challenge me again. DUSTER:... End of the first chapter. On the next one, The history of Jo will be revealed.Plz tell me if you like my first chapter. I'm a bit new to this so if i did anything wrong, plz, CONSTRUCTIVE crit. also, if you want me to add your character dont hesitate to pm me and if I like it I will add them.:) [spoiler=Chapter 2] Jo is not your ordinary child: His father was the Sponsor of many of the most prestegious tournaments ever. When Jo was much more smaller than he was now, he dueled his friends and others in his dueling daycare. From the start, he was extraordinarily good at dueling, and his skills proved that he would be a challenge to almost anyone. Jo and his father had an extremely tight bond ever since his mother died at childbirth. Every night, Jo's father would come home, and right before bed, he would read Jo a fairy tale about a magical forest and it's inhabitants, and their misadventures. He would tell of the famous Butterfly Dragon, who protected the forest with it's life. Then, he would say,"Help! Who will help guide me through to the light?" Then Jo would reply,"Butterfly Dragon will! He will guide you!"Jo's father died shortly after eveyrthing that happened in new domino city. So, now Jo lives with his mysterious manager who is cold and calculating.Ever since the death of his father, Jo hasn't been the same since...The next chapter, another duel! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EnkoMaun Posted April 25, 2009 Report Share Posted April 25, 2009 Not that cool, but you've done a nice start.7/10. I have a character idea, I pm'd it to ya. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legendhiro Posted April 26, 2009 Report Share Posted April 26, 2009 i liked it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenboy820 Posted April 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2009 Can someone help me, I have a problem.How do I get that(click to view) thing, so that I can make more chapters without overwriting when I update with a new chapter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silent Omega Posted April 26, 2009 Report Share Posted April 26, 2009 [spoiler=Title (Example: Chapter 1, etc)] Your story or any other crap [/spoiler] In result... [spoiler=Chapter 1]Your story. Try not to use scripted speech, There are a few errors of grammar, spelling, and other crap which I will not point out, and take the time to create character development instead of getting to the point of dueling. 6/10 Do better, in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenboy820 Posted April 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2009 Omega I will follow those rules because they seem logical. However the first chapter is there to show how good jo is at dueling, what his deck will be, and how his mannerisms areAnyway chapter 2 is coming soon!. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jovi Siagian Posted April 27, 2009 Report Share Posted April 27, 2009 Omega I will follow those rules because they seem logical. However the first chapter is there to show how good jo is at dueling' date=' what his deck will be, and how his mannerisms areAnyway chapter 2 is coming soon!.[/quote'] But remember, too good = too bad. Keep that in your mind. And I don't like the character of Jo. He seems too....arrogant. "Best Duelist in the world"? Calling his opponent "piece of scum"? Also, there are few typing errors. Fix them. If you have the pic for Butterfly Dragon, Id like to see that. ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smeg Posted April 27, 2009 Report Share Posted April 27, 2009 It would help if we could see the cards that you made-up. The story was okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenboy820 Posted April 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 28, 2009 BUMP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenboy820 Posted April 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2009 BUMP...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stigma_Horrizone Posted June 26, 2009 Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Not bad, but is chapter 2 that long only? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haou Devil 12 Posted June 27, 2009 Report Share Posted June 27, 2009 Your Fan Fic is off to a good start. Keep doing a good job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Griffin Posted June 27, 2009 Report Share Posted June 27, 2009 No need to just bump, keep updating and readers will post. I don't really like Jo at the moment, but that isn't always a bad thing. I'd like to see some more of the story outside of dueling though, to see what everything else is like. I don't like scripts and there are some typing errors but it isn't too horrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenboy820 Posted June 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2009 WHO NECROBUMPED???????...ok. Sorry everyone, but I've been SERIOUSLY busy and I'm getting ready to start college and all. But here is a little bit of chapter 3, just to keep the thread from dying I guess... Chapter 3 preview: 8 years later Jo had an extremely busy day ahead. He had a duel against a girl he once considered a friend. The cold, calculating princess of japan... at least, that was the name she went by these days. In many ways, she reminded him of himself. Risa Koruga was only 8 years old when they met and she was one of the best duelists he had ever faced. Then, after that stupid fight, she decided that japan needed her, like it somehow called for her to go and leave her life behind in america... and now after 8 years... they would finally be reunited..." Jo! Your match is in five minutes! Are you ready?" his assistant called from outside jo's room. Was he ready to face the girl who almost ruined his entire life at such a young age? Was he ready to face his past...? The duel stadium was packed and there was a roar of cheering and anticipation in the air, waiting for the match to start. The announcer awaited the orders to start the introductions of the duelists. And then..."From America, the undefeated champion! The unstoppable force! The fairy-tale master! JO!!!!!!"The crowd was in an uproar. It seemed as if the stadium was in a riot."Ok fans, settle down," the announcer said." And his challenger from japan. The Cold succesor! The Frost princess! RISA!!!!!!"The crowd began to cheer, but amongst the cheers, there were some boo's. Risa didn't seem to notice."Risa..." Jo managed to say after seeing his rival after eight years. " its been... a long time.""Yes, it has been," Risa said in an even tone." Its nice to see the champion of america is entrusted to you. I wanted a strong duelist to beat. The champion of japan needs to sharpen her skills.Jo was completely astonished, which was a rare sight to behold. "You... you're a champion as well? A lot has changed in eight years."Risa didn't seem to want to talk about the past. " Enough talking. We both know why we are here. I'm here to beat you once and for all, and become the champion of the world. We both have beaten the champions of the other countries, so the only people standing in the way of complete victory is..." "...Each other." Jo finished her sentence." It looks like both duelists are ready!" the announcer said. " so you both know the rules. 4000 lifepoints, no surrendering, and make this duel the best thing anyone has ever seen!! Are you both ready????""Ready," Jo said, activating his duel disk."Ready," Risa said, in an emotionless tone." Then this is it! The victor of this match is the best duelist in the WORLD!!! Get set... DUEL!!!!!!!!" ... do you like the preview? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crystal Beast 123 Posted June 29, 2009 Report Share Posted June 29, 2009 Okay. Time to review this Weather Report-Style. [spoiler=Chapter 1]I don't own Yugioh or none of that' date=' but you should already know that.This is a fanfic about a child prodigy named Jo who gets mixed up in many life changing duels. Just read. Ehh, I would put this outside of the chapter, rather than IN it. Just a thought. Chapter 1:Victorious The Grand Tournament was almost over. Hmm? Grand Tournament? Where's the Grand Tournament? WHAT IS a Grand Tournament? What do you win as grand prize? There could only be one winner. But Jo knew who that would be. Lemme guess: really close, miraculous win by "Jo." BTW, how old is Jo? What does he look like? Of course! He's a horse. MC:This is getting close! Both players only have 500 points left, but Duster seems to have the advantage! Yep. The horse seems to be the main character, and he's at a disadvantage. He has his Trump card on the field(Dark Simorgh, ATK 2700 DEF 1000) and a face-down on the field! If Jo pulls of a win, it wold SPELLING ERROR be miraculous!!! Yep, It's probably gonna be "miraculous." *sigh* Predictable. Duster What does Duster look like? Of course! He's a rhinoceros. I mean he could be, because you didn't describe him. , Jo's opponent, decided this was the best time to taunt him. Okay, so the horse and the rhinoceros are fighting. DUSTER: "Child prodigy". Wait, child prodigy? Who are you talking about, the horse or the rhino? Are they both young? Heh, you only have 1 card on your field! that field spell, Fairy-tale Forest. No one can beat my unbeatable winning streak, not even a brat like you! Rhinos can talk? JO: well then, it's time someone puts you in your place. My move!I activate my Fairy-tale forest's effect. If I control no monsters, I can Special Summon 1 Mythic monster from my Graveyard! A small Chibi fairy statue appeared to his field.YES! The horse just played a card without a name!! YES!! JO: My Mythic Fairy Statue! (level 3 ATK 0 DEF 0)Oh. Maybe you'd wanna put that in front. DUSTER: a level three tuner monster, with 0 attack? it can't beat Dark Simorgh, you idiot! plus you are aware that you can't set cards due to my monster's effect, aren't you? Wow, that rhino is so stupid. He can't predict what the horse is doing? Jo: I'm well aware. Next I summon, Mythic Sprite in attack mode!(level 3 ATK 300 DEF 2000) A small sprite appeared to the field. DUSTER:...You are about to- Rhino shouldn't be too surprised, he should of seen it coming. So obvious. . . Jo: Synchro Summon. That's right. Now, I tune my statue with my sprite! Go! Synchro Summon!! BUTTERFLY DRAGON!!! Dust began to form, Dust? Dust from what? Thin air? The ground? and a figure appeard to the field. Then, a dragon emerged from the dust and the dust scattered.(Level 6 ATK 2400 DEF 1100) DUSTER: What is this, your key card? are you aware that it is weaker than my Dark Simorgh? I laugh at the rhino's idiotic stupidity. JO:Brute strength only dosent win duels. Where have I heard this before? Yugi, maybe? When my dragon is Synchro Summoned, if Fairy-tale Forest is on the feld, I can pay 800 lifepoints to destroy 2 cards on the field. Whoa, that is a real situational card. DUSTER: But you don't have 800 lifepoints.I laugh even more at the rhino. JO: Yes, I do. When Mythic Sprite is removed from the field, I gain 1000 lifepoints. Jo: 500+1000-800=700 lifepoints DUSTER:...I'm about to lose... No... I can't... lose... God! Shut up, rhino! Accept your doom. Shut up! JO:yes, you can. Capitalize. :/ Don't ever underestimate me. Where have I heard this before? Jaden, maybe? I am the best duelist in the world. Wow, Jo the Horse's ego is four times the size of a blimp. And you... you peice SPELLING ERROR of scum! Well Jo's a sore winner. Ya don't have to rub it in, horse. Butterfly Dragon, Dust Spore!!! Jo's dragon Shot out a beam from it's mouth that cleared the field and wiped out the rest of Duster's lifepoints. Duster:500-2400=-1900, or 0 Just say zero. You don't need to show off your calculator skills. MC: HE WON!!! JO PULLED IT OFF AGAIN!!! HOW DOES HE DO IT?!!! The MC needs to calm down. It's a freaking children's card game! JO:don't ever challenge me again. Ego again. . . . DUSTER:... You don't need a speechless dude with a speech part. Hokay, so the horse and the rhino duked it out in an unexplained tournament, and the horse won. The MC needs to shut up, and the horse has a large ego. Just fix those few things and add details, and it might be good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted June 30, 2009 Report Share Posted June 30, 2009 Seems like Crystal's already done this one.Be creative, don't use stuff that's already been used, as CB mentioned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crystal Beast 123 Posted June 30, 2009 Report Share Posted June 30, 2009 Here. Because I'm such a nice person, I'll review your second chapter also. Weather Report Style!CONSTRUCTIVE crit.' date=' plzOKay. . . . . I'll [i']try[/i] not to be too mean on this one. [spoiler=Chapter 2] Jo is not your ordinary child: Of course he's not! He is a horse that just won a random duel in a random tournament against some random rhinoceros! His father was the Sponsor of many of the most prestegious tournaments ever. So he's a rich boy horse, is he? When Jo was much more smaller than he was now, he dueled his friends and others in his dueling daycare. Daycare?!?! His father's that rich, and he gets put in a freakin' daycare?!!? WTF!? From the start, he was extraordinarily good at dueling, O RLY? Aren't most main characters? and his skills proved that he would be a challenge to almost anyone. *sigh* just another Yusei. . Jo and his father had an extremely tight bond ever since his mother died at childbirth. Hmm. Explain how if they had a bond, Jo the Horse was in a daycare? Every night, Jo's father would come home, and right before bed, he would read Jo a fairy tale about a magical forest and it's inhabitants, and their misadventures. Okay. . . How old is that horse? He would tell of the famous Butterfly Dragon Which just happens to be a Children's Trading Card., who protected the forest with it's life. Then, he would say,"Help! Who will help guide me through to the light?" Then Jo would reply,"Butterfly Dragon will! He will guide you!" Jo's father died shortly after eveyrthing that happened in new domino city. Predictable, and that could of had two more paragraphs. So, now Jo lives with his mysterious manager who is cold and calculating. Okay, his manager is a random banana found on the street?!!? ZOMG!!Ever since the death of his father, Jo hasn't been the same since... O RLY?The next chapter, another duel! My bet is that the horse (Jo) will win again by a hair. Again, change what I said. Jo is a rich kid horse with a banana for a manager and his cruel father died. Yayz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenboy820 Posted July 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 ok... I know it sux. after all its my first on e. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 ok... I know it sux. after all its my first on e. Well, yeah, but you're going into college, goldenboy-niisan. You're my elder, so I'd expect more from you,goldenboy-niisan(older brother GB820). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DARKPLANT RISING Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 I really like the idea, but I would not explain the 2nd chapter just by itsself, and make it a chapter story itsself. [spoiler=what I think will happen]Dad was killed by this evil guy who wants to take over the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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