AB72 Posted July 1, 2009 Report Share Posted July 1, 2009 Okay this is my second fan fic but i think this one is good but it dosen't have a title yet so if anybody has ideas please tell me well here it is.Chapter 1 “It all started countless minutes ago in a land far, far away when I started dueling.” I said. I was at the beginners league tournament waiting for my best friend Jack Daniels to sign up. The sign up area was a small meadow with a few chairs set up to sit down on. The tournament was bizarre because you had to wait for at least two days in line to sign up then wait another week to play. Oh well least I’m not playing. Hey were did Jack go off to and what did I just say to make that man stare at me. Creepy fellow well lets see what he wants. “Sir you’ve been standing in line with your best friend for the past two and a half days waiting for the tournament to start, and only five hours ago did you start dueling by beating up a man who entered.” The man behind the counter announced louder than intended. “Whatever, names James Allan winnings my game (hopefully). Any way I have a sort of random deck, man that guy is an idiot if he doesn’t know how to make a deck. Whatever put me down as using a volcanic deck and get use to my black shirt with tight navy blue jeans long messy hair and a whole bunch of unique sweaters cause everyday they will be different.” I snickered. “What about your attitude will it is the same”. The annoying man behind the counter pondered “Hell yes.” I quickly replied back with. “Okay long as I’m getting paid that’s fine. Now what division will you are participating in anyway, there are three divisions Easy Difficult and Inhalation. Easy you start with 8000 life points and there is no time limit, Difficult you start with 4000 and have an hour to complete the match if the match ties then it goes into overtime or the one with the higher life points wins these events happen at the end of the time limit. If you both reach 0 your both out, you don’t have to win in the time limit. Finally in Inhalation you start out with a randomly selected amount of life points under 2000 and have to win in less then 10 minutes. Every time you lose life points a 1000-volt battery tied to your arm shocks you. So what is it going to be Mr. Allan?” “I’d like to sign up for Inhalation please.” I wearily mumbled and then I walked on down the grass with out hearing anything else sat down and then my life flashed before me. To Be Continued Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 1, 2009 Report Share Posted July 1, 2009 Hello, Mr. or Mrs. Kitty Avatar Person. I shall now review your story; however it's awesome that you give a reason for your story having no name yet(HERE'S LOOKIN' AT YOU, YANKEEFAN). Okay this is my second fan fic but i think this one is good but it dosen't have a title yet so if anybody has ideas please tell me well here it is. Look at this single sentence. I doubt that if it's as good as the story that I'll like it too much.Chapter 1 “It all started countless minutes ago in a land far' date=' far away when I started dueling.” I said. Minutes? He just started? And HOW far? In La La Land? In Crazy Town? In LAZY Town? Hopefully not Lazy Town. I was at the beginners league tournament waiting for my best friend Jack Daniels to sign up. Who else was with you? Who were you taking to? I see that you'e described the place next sentence, so I won't go into that yet. The sign up area was a small meadow with a few chairs set up to sit down on. Um... why is it a field of happy flowers and hedgehogs? Why would this make any sense? The tournament was bizarre because you were inside of a meadow had to wait for at least two days in line to sign up then wait another week to play. And THIS is a BEGINNER'S tourney? What kind of BEGINNER wants to stand in line for TWO DAYS?! Imagine it... A young boy walks into the meadow which the tournament is being held. "Is the tourney being held here?" he asks."Yep," says a guy. "But you have to wait in line for two days, no matter when you got here, AND THEN wait ANOTHER week before doing anything. Isn't it GREAT?""Screw this," said the boy, "I'm not playin' this game anymore." Oh well least I’m not playing. Grammar Hater. Hey were did Jack go off to and what did I just say to make that man stare at me. Still a Grammar Hater. And WHAT KIND of man is looking at him? Is he in the tournament for beginners? Then he sucks. Is he an officiant? Then he's fine. BUT YOU JUST SAY HE'S A CREEPY GUY. THAT'S STUPID. Creepy fellow well lets see what he wants. You're a definite Grammar Hater. “Sir you’ve been standing in line with your best friend for the past two and a half days waiting for the tournament to start, and only five hours ago did you start dueling by beating up a man who entered.” The man behind the counter announced louder than intended. OH. The man was THE GUY BEHIND THE DESK. How are we supposed to know how close he is to the desk? And why would these two kids STAND in line FOR TWO DAYS WITH NO FOOD, WATER, OR PEE BREAKS? I guess that UNDESCRIBED ACTION was just a fight over water. “Whatever, names James Allan winnings my game (hopefully). Any way I have a sort of random deck, man that guy is an idiot if he doesn’t know how to make a deck. Whatever put me down as using a volcanic deck and get use to my black shirt with tight navy blue jeans long messy hair and a whole bunch of unique sweaters cause everyday they will be different.” I snickered. "M'name's Bob Bill, and coolness is my game--""You're lame. And irritatingly stupid. Go away.""Okay..."And THAT'S what I think of your guy so far. He's a stupid punk who beats people up for making a small mistake? Any why did he start listing his CLOTHING?! You made several grammatical errors here, too, and one final bit of advice. A random deck is full of randomly-chosen cards that will barely ever support each other, and at least three cards in a random deck can't do squat. And random decks ARE NOT ALLOWED to follow a theme such as Beat Down or Stall. So this kid's saying he's a total retard. “What about your attitude will it is the same”. The annoying man behind the counter pondered I hate Grammar Haters. “Hell yes.” I quickly replied back with. See above statement. “Okay long as I’m getting paid that’s fine. Now what division will you are participating in anyway, there are three divisions Easy Difficult and Inhalation. Easy you start with 8000 life points and there is no time limit, Difficult you start with 4000 and have an hour to complete the match if the match ties then it goes into overtime or the one with the higher life points wins these events happen at the end of the time limit. If you both reach 0 your both out, you don’t have to win in the time limit. Finally in Inhalation you start out with a randomly selected amount of life points under 2000 and have to win in less then 10 minutes. Every time you lose life points a 1000-volt battery tied to your arm shocks you. So what is it going to be Mr. Allan?” A division is about inhaling? Breathing is a difficulty? And WHY IS IT INCLUDED IN THIS EFF-ING BEGINNER'S TOURNEY?! Obviously after all of that description, the main character will have something to do with it. But if you lost LP even ONCE, you'd die. Humans can't live after such a large shock. DUH. “I’d like to sign up for Inhalation please.” I wearily mumbled and then I walked on down the grass with out hearing anything else sat down and then my life flashed before me. SUPER DUH. Why did his life flash? Was he scared about Inhale mode(I'm calling it Inhale since it sounds cooler)? Then why did he sign up for it? To Be Continued Your character's an annoying idiot. Your tournament makes no sense. Your location is random. The line limit is retarded as well. Your character's deck is eff-ing stupid. You seem to really hate grammar. In the beginning you went from telling a story to forgetting all about it. But this does sound like a story an old man whose lost his marbles would be telling. Re-write it. Please. The world will forgive you if you make your character a little less arrogant, makethe tournament take place in a proper building, make Inhale mode ILLEGAL FOR BEGINNERS and fix the boy's deck. Also include grammar, you Grammar Hater. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB72 Posted July 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2009 Weather report guy the computer I was using randomly changed right grammar wrong and I wrote it late at night so I wasn't paying attention to spelling but I will correct inhale. And I will say why his life flashed before his eyes and that the tournament dosent take place there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 1, 2009 Report Share Posted July 1, 2009 Weather report guy the computer I was using randomly changed right grammar wrong and I wrote it late at night so I wasn't paying attention to spelling but I will correct inhale. And I will say why his life flashed before his eyes and that the tournament dosent take place there. Well, okay, but my main problems are still the "UBER-DEADLY BEGINNER'S TOURNAMENT" thing and you made no effort to say if the boys had camped out by the line or anything. The grammar is now excused, but the plot needs work. You are now a (semi-)grammar lover. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crystal Beast 123 Posted July 1, 2009 Report Share Posted July 1, 2009 Weather report guy the computer I was using randomly changed right grammar wrong and I wrote it late at night so I wasn't paying attention to spelling but I will correct inhale. And I will say why his life flashed before his eyes and that the tournament dosent take place there.Sorry, don't have time to review this now, but according to my research (not really research, but I know AB72 offline) you just got a new computer. So don't blame it on the computer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted July 1, 2009 Report Share Posted July 1, 2009 I see no reason why a new computer would mess up grammar, since all word processing programs on a computer, no matter its age, have a spell-checker to some degree. You're just making excuses, so go fix them instead of complaining. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB72 Posted July 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Okay the computer didn't randomly change i was going so fast on it whenever i saw a red line i just randomly would change the grammar without paying attention to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crystal Beast 123 Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 The computer catches grammar, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 I just noticed this, but isn't Jack Daniels a type of whiskey? *snickers* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB72 Posted July 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 If anybody at all has an idea for the fan fic just post them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB72 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 Does anybody post anymore honesty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crystal Beast 123 Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 When it's on the second page, no. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 If you want us to post more, fix your story so it makes sense... whoops, I posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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