Jump to content

Yu-Gi-Oh! - Rising Champions [Chapter 19 up!]

EnkoMaun

By EnkoMaun
in Creative Writing

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 82
  • Created
  • Last Reply
Cuckoos Newbie

Cuckoos

Posted
Posted

I have a character:

 

Jordan Sousse

14 yrs.

Frogs

 

Monsters:

dupe frog x3

flip flop frog x3

junk synchron

mother grizzly x3

nightmare penguin x3

star boy

substitoad x3

treeborn frog

unifrog x3

 

Spells:

heavy storm

level limit area B

lightning vortex

monster reborn

mystical space typhoon

terraforming x2

wetlands x3

 

Traps:

bottomless trap hole x3

froggy forcefield

graceful revival x2

gravity bind

mirror force

sakuretsu armor

 

 

Awesome fan-fic, I love it!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Weather Report - Stand Newbie

Weather Report - Stand

Posted
Posted

I was asked to do a review on this, so I'll look at the last chapter so far. I won't try to ask about stuff I obviously missed.

[spoiler=Chapter 12]

Zack held himself not to yell out “YES!” as he looked at his opponent. He defeated his 2 former opponents in very different ways' date=' and thus was cheered even more. This time, he had an even more serious opponent against him. He was tall, skinny, and wore a dark brown sleeveless shirt.

Well, there's not much to comment on here, but I'm now ready to learn about his awesome style.

“Zack Leonard, Nate Daniels, commence dueling!” the caller announced, and Zack went first.

 

“I’ll draw!” he said. “I’ll set a monster, and set a card. That’s it.”

No passing words before the game? No 'Hi, I'm Bill. And you must be my b*tch?' OOOOOH!! BUUUURNED!! Or a 'Hi, I'm Bill. Let's play a cool game with no cheating or Shadow Games.'

Nate observed, his opponent seemed a little defensive. “I’ll draw, and Special Summon Evil Hero Infernal Prodigy, because I have no monsters on my field. (300/600) And I’ll Tribute it to summon Evil Hero Malicious Edge! And with Infernal Prodigy tributed, I can draw 1 card. Now I’ll attack with Malicious Edge!”

Why don't the cards do anything? You could say that the Infernal Prodigy was some sort of inhuman monster with a curious look in its eye. Basically to people who've never seen the Evil Heroes (whoever THOSE people are) expect them to be large, evil blobs. Now I'm going to have to make fun of the cards, see what you've done?! The Infernal Prodigy is now a baseball bat. And Malicious Edge... totally a pitcher.

“My card is Des Koala.” (1100/1800) “You take 400 damage for each card in your hand, and you have five, so you take 2000 damage.” Zack added.

“That might be cool and all, but my Malicious Edge does piercing damage to you.” Nate smirked. (7200/6000) “I end my turn.”

Des Koala looks like a blue kangaroo, right? "When he flipped up, his effect activated, making all of the cards in your hand bamboo and you lose 400 LP for every bamboo in your hand!" The now-bambooified cards fly into his face and mortally wounds him.

"That may be cool, but my Malicious Edge's Curveball Attack inflicts the foreign term of piercing damage!" The pitcher throws a ball, which curves around Des Koala in a cartoony way before flying through his face and into Zack;s stomach.

"MY TUMMY!!" he gasped.

Zack drew a card. His opponent threw out a strong one from the first turn, and his deck’s idea was to win before people took out their big shots. “I’ll activate Card Destruction. We both discard our cards and draw new ones.” Now this hand seemed better. “I activate Flint, and equip it to your Malicious Edge! It’s ATK drops by 300, and it can’t attack.”

Some random guy popped out of the card and threw a flint rock at Malicious Edge. "Ow! I lost some attack points, there!"

Zack observed the calmness of his opponent. He was doing something wrong.

 

“Not only that, I summon Chainsaw Insect! (2400/0)” Zack said. “I also activate Robbin’ Zombie. I attack with my Chainsaw Insect.” (7200/5900) Your Malicious Edge is destroyed, and because of Chainsaw Insect’s effect, you draw a card. But thanks to Robbin’ Goblin, you also send the top card of your deck to the Graveyard.”

That's a neat little strategy. So it's a mill-beat down? That's cool.

His opponent’s face hasn’t changed yet. “Is that all?” he asked.

“Not yet. I set 1 card, now I’m done.”

“Fine.” Nate said, as he drew a card. “I play Pot of Avarice. I can return 5 cards back to my deck, shuffle it, and draw 2. And what luck, I play Dark Calling! So, I send 2 Evil Hero Malicious Edges from my Deck to summon Evil Hero Malicious Fiend! (3500/2100) I’ll attack your Chainsaw Insect now. (5800/5900)

Two pitchers flew into a black fog, transforming them into an angry umpire!! "YEEEEEEEER' OUT!!" he roared in a tremendous booming voice, causing the Chainsaw Insect(a ladybug with a large chainsaw for a head in this world) to run away in fear, then explode.

“Okay, I equip Flint on Malicious Fiend. And I also set a card.” (3200/2100)

“I activate Mystical Space Typhoon as a last notice, and destroy your Flint. And I end my turn.” (3500/2100)

The card threw a rock at the umpire, Malicious Fiend, but a giant tornado sucked it up! Then it went away.

Now, as you see, the only problem I'm really having so far is that this is being played with invisible cards. Why don't you type up the effects and attacks for everybody? It looks really cool, so...

Zack drew a card. “This will make me survive one more turn.” he thought, as he set his monster. “I end my--”

“Nope, you have to conduct your Battle Phase, because Malicious Fiend is on the field. All your monsters are flipped face-up, and must attack!” Nate yelled, enthusiastically.

“But, my monster was Destiny Hero – Defender!” (100/2700)

“That’s too bad.” (2400/5900)

Zack looked at his hand. He had another idea. “I’ll set this, and end my turn.”

"HEY, YOU!" Malicious Fiend yelled, "YOU'RE A SISSY, BUSTER!!"

"WHO'S A SISSY?!" Defender, a football, flipped up in pure rage. He flew at Malicious Fiend at about 54237868198 miles per hour! But Malicious grabbed him and popped him!!

“This is endgame now.” Nate snarled. “I attack you directly!”

“Mirror Force.” Zack smirked as he flipped the card face-up. Nate was shocked. But he regained his calmness in a few seconds, and said “I end my turn.”

"MY MAMA PLAYS BETTER'N YOU!!" But as the evil umpire insulted the player, a mirror appeared out of thin air! The insults hit the mirror, shattering it. The shards of glass flew into Malicious Fiend, causing him to die in a violent explosion! "I regret nothing!!" he said, "Except for dying."

Zack felt like his opponent was going to be much more harder. But his field was empty! “I activate my other set card, Greed! And I’ll summon The Bistro Butcher! (1800/1200) Of course, I attack you directly. (2400/4100) You draw 2 cards.”

The bistro butcher was a New York bistro owner! He took out two massive knives and sharpened them against each other. "This is how we do it," he explained in a heavy Brooklyn accent, "IN NEY YORK!!" He leaped at Nate, too out a roast pig, sliced it into thin slices, put it on a slice of bread, added mustard, lettuce and a tomato, and sent his sandwich flying at him! It exploded with flavor upon impact.

Nate understood what his opponent was doing. He had to take action, fast.

 

“I end my turn, which means you take 1000 damage, thanks to Greed.”

Nate drew a card. “I play Elemental Hero Clayman, (800/2000) and activate Dark Fusion. I can now summon, by Tributing Clayman and discarding Burstinatrix, Evil Hero Infernal Sniper! (2000/2500) Not only that, I activate Miracle Fusion, and remove Clayman and Burstinatrix once again to summon Elemental Hero Rampart Blaster! (2000/2500) I destroy your monster with Rampart Blaster, and attack you directly with Infernal Sniper! (200/4100) Then I end my turn.”

A crappy looking claymation figure and a lady who was on fire for no reason flew into the black fog and became... a fat guy in a baseball cap! "I'm the owner of the baseball team!" he yelled! "Guys, get'm!!" The entire Michigan Barracudas baseball team flew at Zack and exploded, as does everything ELSE n this game!

Zack drew a card. He had collected what he would need to win. “I set 3 cards, and I set a monster. That’s it.”

 

Nate was getting power-hungry. He didn’t realize that he could switch Infernal Gainer to Defense mode and win, he had to attack. “I draw, and attack your set card with Infernal Gainer!”

 

“I had set another Destiny Hero – Defender. (100/2700)” Zack smirked. “You take 700 damage.” (200/3400)

The guys on the team flew into the football, which over-inflated and pushed them onto Nate. "Uh-oh," they all said at the same time. THEY EXPLODED!!

“Then I end my turn.”

“Before you do that, I’ll activate 2 Gift of Greed. You draw 4 cards. Not only that, I activate Disturbance Strategy, so you send your hand to your Deck, shuffle it, and draw the same amount. And thanks to Greed, you take more than 4000 damage!” (200/0)

There's a bit of bad grammar, and I'd suggest typing the words for single-digit numbers instead of the symbol. But I do like his strategy, of forcing the opponent to draw to death.

Nate looked at his opponent, then at his field. He could’ve won. He looked at his opponent. Zack gave his hand to Nate, asking for a handshake. “Save it.” Nate whispered and he stormed off.

 

Zack looked at Lisa once again. “Back to hanging out with her until it’s my turn.” he thought, but as he stepped out, the caller announced: “All quarter-finalists, please stay inside of the Duel Zone.” He felt too shy to get near her anyway, so he went with that.

Neat personality injection.

The last duels went a bit shorter, and it was now time for the semi-finals.

 

His name was announced again, and he was faced with a rather shady man, wearing a dark hood, with a black coat, and black jeans, similar to Damon’s, who he had faced a few days ago. He dialed a number from his small cellphone, and said “One target confirmed.” His voice wasn’t like Damon’s. This was someone else. He quickly gazed at Lisa, she was trying to make herself unseen as much as she could. Then the man looked behind, and saw her. “Sorry sir, both targets confirmed.” he muttered. “Destroy both of them.” a deep voice came from the cellphone, and the guy hung up. This was the Millennia Clan.

There was no behind-the-scenes action as he waited? No close examinations of the competition, like "Billy-Bob's Mega Ultra Death Chicken card's gonna be tough to beat, so my only chance is to use Slifer the Executive Producer."

The guy snarled at Zack. “What… do you want from us?” Zack asked him, terrified. He didn’t answer. Instead, he drew his five cards.

 

 

I like your duels and characters, but as I've been saying, the turns themselves are pretty boring because like you, nobody likes showing what the monsters DO. Fix that and you've got yourself a great story with MILDLY bad grammar.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
EnkoMaun Newbie

EnkoMaun

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I was asked to do a review on this' date=' so I'll look at the last chapter so far. I won't try to ask about stuff I obviously missed.

[spoiler=Chapter 12]

Zack held himself not to yell out “YES!” as he looked at his opponent. He defeated his 2 former opponents in very different ways, and thus was cheered even more. This time, he had an even more serious opponent against him. He was tall, skinny, and wore a dark brown sleeveless shirt.

Well, there's not much to comment on here, but I'm now ready to learn about his awesome style.

“Zack Leonard, Nate Daniels, commence dueling!” the caller announced, and Zack went first.

 

“I’ll draw!” he said. “I’ll set a monster, and set a card. That’s it.”

No passing words before the game? No 'Hi, I'm Bill. And you must be my b*tch?' OOOOOH!! BUUUURNED!! Or a 'Hi, I'm Bill. Let's play a cool game with no cheating or Shadow Games.'

Nate observed, his opponent seemed a little defensive. “I’ll draw, and Special Summon Evil Hero Infernal Prodigy, because I have no monsters on my field. (300/600) And I’ll Tribute it to summon Evil Hero Malicious Edge! And with Infernal Prodigy tributed, I can draw 1 card. Now I’ll attack with Malicious Edge!”

Why don't the cards do anything? You could say that the Infernal Prodigy was some sort of inhuman monster with a curious look in its eye. Basically to people who've never seen the Evil Heroes (whoever THOSE people are) expect them to be large, evil blobs. Now I'm going to have to make fun of the cards, see what you've done?! The Infernal Prodigy is now a baseball bat. And Malicious Edge... totally a pitcher.

“My card is Des Koala.” (1100/1800) “You take 400 damage for each card in your hand, and you have five, so you take 2000 damage.” Zack added.

“That might be cool and all, but my Malicious Edge does piercing damage to you.” Nate smirked. (7200/6000) “I end my turn.”

Des Koala looks like a blue kangaroo, right? "When he flipped up, his effect activated, making all of the cards in your hand bamboo and you lose 400 LP for every bamboo in your hand!" The now-bambooified cards fly into his face and mortally wounds him.

"That may be cool, but my Malicious Edge's Curveball Attack inflicts the foreign term of piercing damage!" The pitcher throws a ball, which curves around Des Koala in a cartoony way before flying through his face and into Zack;s stomach.

"MY TUMMY!!" he gasped.

Zack drew a card. His opponent threw out a strong one from the first turn, and his deck’s idea was to win before people took out their big shots. “I’ll activate Card Destruction. We both discard our cards and draw new ones.” Now this hand seemed better. “I activate Flint, and equip it to your Malicious Edge! It’s ATK drops by 300, and it can’t attack.”

Some random guy popped out of the card and threw a flint rock at Malicious Edge. "Ow! I lost some attack points, there!"

Zack observed the calmness of his opponent. He was doing something wrong.

 

“Not only that, I summon Chainsaw Insect! (2400/0)” Zack said. “I also activate Robbin’ Zombie. I attack with my Chainsaw Insect.” (7200/5900) Your Malicious Edge is destroyed, and because of Chainsaw Insect’s effect, you draw a card. But thanks to Robbin’ Goblin, you also send the top card of your deck to the Graveyard.”

That's a neat little strategy. So it's a mill-beat down? That's cool.

His opponent’s face hasn’t changed yet. “Is that all?” he asked.

“Not yet. I set 1 card, now I’m done.”

“Fine.” Nate said, as he drew a card. “I play Pot of Avarice. I can return 5 cards back to my deck, shuffle it, and draw 2. And what luck, I play Dark Calling! So, I send 2 Evil Hero Malicious Edges from my Deck to summon Evil Hero Malicious Fiend! (3500/2100) I’ll attack your Chainsaw Insect now. (5800/5900)

Two pitchers flew into a black fog, transforming them into an angry umpire!! "YEEEEEEEER' OUT!!" he roared in a tremendous booming voice, causing the Chainsaw Insect(a ladybug with a large chainsaw for a head in this world) to run away in fear, then explode.

“Okay, I equip Flint on Malicious Fiend. And I also set a card.” (3200/2100)

“I activate Mystical Space Typhoon as a last notice, and destroy your Flint. And I end my turn.” (3500/2100)

The card threw a rock at the umpire, Malicious Fiend, but a giant tornado sucked it up! Then it went away.

Now, as you see, the only problem I'm really having so far is that this is being played with invisible cards. Why don't you type up the effects and attacks for everybody? It looks really cool, so...

Zack drew a card. “This will make me survive one more turn.” he thought, as he set his monster. “I end my--”

“Nope, you have to conduct your Battle Phase, because Malicious Fiend is on the field. All your monsters are flipped face-up, and must attack!” Nate yelled, enthusiastically.

“But, my monster was Destiny Hero – Defender!” (100/2700)

“That’s too bad.” (2400/5900)

Zack looked at his hand. He had another idea. “I’ll set this, and end my turn.”

"HEY, YOU!" Malicious Fiend yelled, "YOU'RE A SISSY, BUSTER!!"

"WHO'S A SISSY?!" Defender, a football, flipped up in pure rage. He flew at Malicious Fiend at about 54237868198 miles per hour! But Malicious grabbed him and popped him!!

“This is endgame now.” Nate snarled. “I attack you directly!”

“Mirror Force.” Zack smirked as he flipped the card face-up. Nate was shocked. But he regained his calmness in a few seconds, and said “I end my turn.”

"MY MAMA PLAYS BETTER'N YOU!!" But as the evil umpire insulted the player, a mirror appeared out of thin air! The insults hit the mirror, shattering it. The shards of glass flew into Malicious Fiend, causing him to die in a violent explosion! "I regret nothing!!" he said, "Except for dying."

Zack felt like his opponent was going to be much more harder. But his field was empty! “I activate my other set card, Greed! And I’ll summon The Bistro Butcher! (1800/1200) Of course, I attack you directly. (2400/4100) You draw 2 cards.”

The bistro butcher was a New York bistro owner! He took out two massive knives and sharpened them against each other. "This is how we do it," he explained in a heavy Brooklyn accent, "IN NEY YORK!!" He leaped at Nate, too out a roast pig, sliced it into thin slices, put it on a slice of bread, added mustard, lettuce and a tomato, and sent his sandwich flying at him! It exploded with flavor upon impact.

Nate understood what his opponent was doing. He had to take action, fast.

 

“I end my turn, which means you take 1000 damage, thanks to Greed.”

Nate drew a card. “I play Elemental Hero Clayman, (800/2000) and activate Dark Fusion. I can now summon, by Tributing Clayman and discarding Burstinatrix, Evil Hero Infernal Sniper! (2000/2500) Not only that, I activate Miracle Fusion, and remove Clayman and Burstinatrix once again to summon Elemental Hero Rampart Blaster! (2000/2500) I destroy your monster with Rampart Blaster, and attack you directly with Infernal Sniper! (200/4100) Then I end my turn.”

A crappy looking claymation figure and a lady who was on fire for no reason flew into the black fog and became... a fat guy in a baseball cap! "I'm the owner of the baseball team!" he yelled! "Guys, get'm!!" The entire Michigan Barracudas baseball team flew at Zack and exploded, as does everything ELSE n this game!

Zack drew a card. He had collected what he would need to win. “I set 3 cards, and I set a monster. That’s it.”

 

Nate was getting power-hungry. He didn’t realize that he could switch Infernal Gainer to Defense mode and win, he had to attack. “I draw, and attack your set card with Infernal Gainer!”

 

“I had set another Destiny Hero – Defender. (100/2700)” Zack smirked. “You take 700 damage.” (200/3400)

The guys on the team flew into the football, which over-inflated and pushed them onto Nate. "Uh-oh," they all said at the same time. THEY EXPLODED!!

“Then I end my turn.”

“Before you do that, I’ll activate 2 Gift of Greed. You draw 4 cards. Not only that, I activate Disturbance Strategy, so you send your hand to your Deck, shuffle it, and draw the same amount. And thanks to Greed, you take more than 4000 damage!” (200/0)

There's a bit of bad grammar, and I'd suggest typing the words for single-digit numbers instead of the symbol. But I do like his strategy, of forcing the opponent to draw to death.

Nate looked at his opponent, then at his field. He could’ve won. He looked at his opponent. Zack gave his hand to Nate, asking for a handshake. “Save it.” Nate whispered and he stormed off.

 

Zack looked at Lisa once again. “Back to hanging out with her until it’s my turn.” he thought, but as he stepped out, the caller announced: “All quarter-finalists, please stay inside of the Duel Zone.” He felt too shy to get near her anyway, so he went with that.

Neat personality injection.

The last duels went a bit shorter, and it was now time for the semi-finals.

 

His name was announced again, and he was faced with a rather shady man, wearing a dark hood, with a black coat, and black jeans, similar to Damon’s, who he had faced a few days ago. He dialed a number from his small cellphone, and said “One target confirmed.” His voice wasn’t like Damon’s. This was someone else. He quickly gazed at Lisa, she was trying to make herself unseen as much as she could. Then the man looked behind, and saw her. “Sorry sir, both targets confirmed.” he muttered. “Destroy both of them.” a deep voice came from the cellphone, and the guy hung up. This was the Millennia Clan.

There was no behind-the-scenes action as he waited? No close examinations of the competition, like "Billy-Bob's Mega Ultra Death Chicken card's gonna be tough to beat, so my only chance is to use Slifer the Executive Producer."

The guy snarled at Zack. “What… do you want from us?” Zack asked him, terrified. He didn’t answer. Instead, he drew his five cards.

 

 

I like your duels and characters, but as I've been saying, the turns themselves are pretty boring because like you, nobody likes showing what the monsters DO. Fix that and you've got yourself a great story with MILDLY bad grammar.

 

I do my best with the grammar. But I don't do anything about what monsters do, because these cards... in this world, are just cards. That's why I don't add any monstah action. I know, it's kinda boring, but I felt like I'd exaggerate with that. Hmm, maybe I'll add holograms after some time.

 

Thank you for your help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...