Pokemon; A drop of blood on a white cloth. Ch. 1 is up.

[blue eyes pop]

Alright, I will really, really try to update this as much as possible. If it seems I've fully abonded the project, feel free to lock or delete the topic.

 

Right, now that's out the way.

Pkmn,ADOBOAWC follows three brothers in the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon world, attempting to survive after everything they knew was destroyed.

 

Chapter List

 

[spoiler=Intro]

Four Years Ago...

 

The village of St. Stung the Tentacrool was still and peaceful. Only the occasional Noctowl and their young Hoothoot could be seen in the main streets; Gastlie, Haunter and Gengar lurked in the alley, sending ghostly graffiti over the walls. There was a loud roar, a smashing sound, and the whole village was lit up. Swarms of Charizard burst through the sky, burning all below them. Steelix and Onix suddenly burst out the ground, grabbing Pokemon in their mouths then diving back down the tunnels. Noctowl grabbed their young and dived into the air, quickly to be blasted back down my Charizard. Ghost Pokemon attempted to fade into the walls, only to be stopped by Alakazam and Kadabra. The villages defence force of Garydos and Blastoise lept forwards. The cheif Blastoise stepped forward and called out in his booming voice.

"Stop there, scum!" and a horrible sight met the others eyes. A extremely large Charizard, landed on the cheif, cracking his shell. The pressed down Blastoise was hidden by more and more Charizard, until there was only a pile of ashes left. The same fate met the rest of the defence force. Various Machoke and Machamp burst into the houses, destroying any elderly or Pokemon not needed, but running out with the rare young or powerful middle aged Pokemon, giving them to the Charizard who flew off with them. A house was burst open, inside all was deserted. The owners must have left, the Machamp thought. Then, he heard a giggling coming from a basket to his left. Looking into it, he saw a young Togepi smiling up at him, giggling at his grey-blue skin. A Togepi was quite rare, the Machamp thought to himself. The Togepi thought the loud noises and flashes coming from ouside were simply a game, and this big, muscly Machamp above him was a friend to play with, so he allowed himself to be pulled under the Machamps arm. Suddenly, two Pokemon hopped in. One was a Pidgey, around six, and a Pidgeotto at around 12. The Pidgetto saw what was happening and dived, grabbing the Togepi from under the Machamp's arm. The Pidgey dived into the air, flapped it's wings to give it more thrust, and shoved his claws into the Machamps eyes. The Pidgeotto grabbed his younger brother in one foot, the Togepi in the other, and flew out the door, darting inbetween Machoke and Charizard, street lamp and building. Then, up they were in the sky. Dodging inbetween any other flying Pokemon. The Pidgeotto's destinatination... The mountains.

 

End of Intro.

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 1]

High up in the mountains

"Can you not be stupid for once?! You've made him start crying again!" yelled a voice. Pidgeotto was pacing up and down in the cave, his wings over his head. His younger brother, Pidgey, had been stacking some large stones to pass the time. After a while, he'd kicked them down and the loud noise woke up their adopted brother, Togepi, from his sleep and he'd immediately started crying again.

"Alright, alright! Pidgey, you stay here to try and calm him down, I'll go find some food!" Pidgeotto anounced. Running to the edge of the cave, he dived out, flapping his wings. As soon as he had vanished into the mists of the mountains, Togepi stopped crying. Togepi was four years old, adopted, and adorable. If he was suddenly woken up, he would cry, but it wasn't being woken up that made him keep on crying. It was Pideotto's shouting that made him keep on crying. Pidgey walked to the large pile of fruit they kept in the corner and pulled two large Oran Berries from it. Walking back to his brother, he handed one to him. Pidgey was 10 years old, kind and caring and he would evolve in around two more years. Looking down at his younger brother, Pidgey spoke softly.

"Do you want to play snap?" he asked.

"Boom!" replied Togepi. Togepi was unable to talk very well. Four years ago, when they were forced to flee their home, they had left their parents who were attempting to teach Togepi how to talk. Without living with them, Pidgey and Pidgeotto had been attempting to teach him how to talk but had been rather unsucsessful. Togepi instead used words such as "Boom" which ussualy meant "yes" and "Bing Bong" which meant he could see a visitor or stranger. After a while of matching up Pokemon on cards, Pidgeotto returned, a Weedle clutched in his feet. Pidgeotto, the oldet, was 16. It was his duty to stop the others from getting hurt and to collect food. He always went on his own, because also 4 years ago, when they had been forced to flee their home, Pidgeotto had to carry his two younger siblings in his feet, whilse flying, for around 3 miles. He had a strict, moody attitude.

Within a few hours, the Weedle had been roasted and split into three. Eating the meal, the brothers looked around the cave. Eventually, as the sun outside the cave vanished over the mountain tops, the brothers retreated to their beds. Would tommorow be a more exciting day?

 

[Asuka Reishim]

Write more! Write More! WRITE MORE NOW!

[Kendo Fish]

Seems interesting, but a few things I must discuss...

 

- Spell-check and remember how to spell Pokemon names. Garydos sounds like Gary's deformed dragon clone, and Gastlie sounds like a delightful children's nickname. FIXTOWN!

 

- Use moar (spelled wrong on purpose) apostrophes. Once you used "Machamps arm" instead of "Machamp's arm". FIXTOWN!

 

- Inject some personality into the characters so that the block of text isn't so much of a bore. Talk, show-not-tell, and describe in detail.

 

- MINOR FLAW: After "...", you DON'T need a capital letter. It's not the end of a sentence, only a pause.

[Asuka Reishim]

just let him concentrate on the next chapter for now!

[blue eyes pop]

Incase you didn't notice, I finished Chapter 1

[Kaisu]

First of all, chapters are too short.

I reckon they don't even make 1000 characters.

Also, you make the pokemon so civilized, YET THEY'RE CANNIBALLS!?

PKMN stopped being cannibals as they were turning more human then before, and now you've kinda ruined it. They eat berries and... Each Other????

[blue eyes pop]

Alright, let me put it one way. Pokemon are all like, one class of animals, like Mammals. Mammals eat other Mammals.

Although based in the Mystery Dungeon World, you could consider it same location, alternate dimension. Some Pokemon are non-sentient, or savage, and are considered simply meat that they are able to eat. Others are more like the humans of that world, who hunt and kill.

[Asuka Reishim]

yh ive read the chapter. i think togepi is gonna evolve into togetic and then into togekiss. cos Togekiss is more like a bird pokemon.

[Kaisu]

UN-EPIC FAIL

Also, you're playing snap with an egg -.-

That knows how to speak english -.- -.-

Not to mention, they're all human and stuff, but they're nameless -.- -.- -.-

YOU JUST COLLECTED THREE(3) -.-S! YOU HAVE EARNED THE CUSTOM TITLE OF BAD FANFIC WRITER!

Actually, I'm just glad you didn't write in script format.

[blue eyes pop]

Right...

Togepi isn't an egg?

It dosen't know how to speak english, simply how to make noises that mean something.

Nameless...? Have you ever played Mystery Dungeon? MOST Pokemon are named after their species.

 

Maybe you should get your facts better before deciding to insult someone.

[Asuka Reishim]

UN-EPIC FAIL

Also' date=' you're playing snap with an egg -.-

That knows how to speak english -.- -.-

Not to mention, they're all human and stuff, but they're nameless -.- -.- -.-

YOU JUST COLLECTED THREE(3) -.-S! YOU HAVE EARNED THE CUSTOM TITLE OF BAD FANFIC WRITER!

Actually, I'm just glad you didn't write in script format. [/quote']

Just because u think its bad doesnt mean that it is.

Like, i think Naruto is rubbish but other people *the rest of the world* think it is good.

[Kaisu]

*rolls eyes*

That's the point.

PMMD have civilised pokemon.

Your FanFic has human pokemon. With no name.

And togepi is a newly hatched egg.

[Kendo Fish]

Aw, now look what you made me do. Now I have to do a WEATHER REPORT.

[spoiler=Chapter 1]

High up in the mountains

Wait, is this the chapter name or the location? Either way, it's capitalized atrociously because it's hardly capitalized at all.

 

Your welcome for separating these two things with not one, but TWO presses of the Enter key."Can you not be stupid for once?! You've made him start crying again!" yelled a voice. JUST A VOICE. One that sounded quite a lot like Johnny Depp's. Since you never described it, I must assume. Pidgeotto was pacing up and down in the cave, his wings over his head. Say I'm a newb to this whole Pokemon thing, and I'm only halfway through Platinum. What's a Pidgeotto and what does it look like? And what does this cave look like? JUST A CAVE. One that's a bright purple. His younger brother, Pidgey, had been stacking some large stones to pass the time. He stacked fifteen on his head. Pidgey also, apparently, looks like a sausage. Pidgeotto, on the other hand, looks just like a winged three-legged silver platter. After a while, he'd kicked them down and the loud noise woke up their adopted brother, Togepi, from his sleep and he'd immediately started crying again.This sentence is too clumpy, too non-descriptive, too rushy, too meh. His sausagey appendage stretched up to the top of his little sausage head, kicking off all of the Pac-Man-shaped rocks. They made a sound as quiet and soft as a kitten's meow, yet their adopted brother (who looks like a chocolate-flavored Dumdumpop) wakes up and starts crying. However a lollipop does that.

 

Your welcome for making these paragraphs easier to read. "Alright, alright! Pidgey, you stay here to try and calm him down, I'll go find some food!" Pidgeotto anounced. A sign you didn't spell-check. Why did he announce it? Was he in a stadium or something?

 

"Alright, alright!" the silver platter announced in a Johnny Depp-like voice. "Pidgey, you stay here and try and calm him down, I'll go get some food!" The crowd of bunnies cheered as he flew out of the massive stadium, now awaiting the order's fulfillment. Running to the edge of the cave unnecessary comma here he dived out, flapping his wings. As soon as he had vanished into the mists of the mountains, Togepi stopped crying. Silver platters = the spawn of the devil. Or maybe this week Sam has leaped into the body of a silver platter. For some stupid reason, only young and stupid stuff can see him. I wonder if they see Al. How's Sam Beckett gonna get out of THIS one? Togepi was four years old, adopted we know, and adorable. If he was suddenly woken up Sorry, but our princess is in another castle. Try "awakened". And try deleting the unnecessary comma after this. Be glad I did it for you. he would cry, but it wasn't being awakened that made him keep on crying. It was Pideotto's shouting that made him keep on crying. It's Pidgeotto, not Pideotto. *laughs* But, okay, wait, WAIT. This contradicts what you just said! HE STARTED CRYING WHEN THE ROCKS FELL DOWN. NOT WHEN THE SILVER PLATTER WAS YELLING. Pidgey walked to the large pile of fruit they kept in the corner and pulled two large Oran Berries from it. Acting as person-who's-only-played-Red-Blue-and-Yellow, I guess they're huge orange fruits? Walking back to his brother, he handed one to him. Pidgey was TEN years old, kind and caringPERIOD NO AND REQUIRED.He would evolve in around two more years. Looking down at his younger brother, Pidgey spoke softly.

Press Enter Here

"Do you want to play snap?" he asked. He asked it in a voice that reminds one of the Terminator. *shivers*

Press Enter Here

"Boom!" replied Togepi. Out of all of the annoying, cutesy baby talk words you could choose from, YOU CHOOSE BOOM. Not much of a problem, but odd. Togepi was unable to talk very well. Four years ago, when they Who is "they"? Togepi and the Dumdum Gang? So Togepi was a member of the Dumdum Gang. I get it. They were forced to leave their trash can when it spontaneously combusted. were forced to flee their home, they had left their parents who were attempting to teach Togepi how to talk. Without living with them, Pidgey and Pidgeotto had been attempting to teach him how to talk but had been rather unsucsessful. Another sign you didn't spell-check. Togepi instead used words such as "Boom" which ussualy Three signs you didn't. meant "yes" and "Bing Bong" which meant he could see a visitor or stranger. So he come sdown with temporary blindness every so often? Saying this indicates that he CAN see a stranger? OH. You mean like Al. I get'cha. I wish you would just tell us that silver platter was Sam already. And, erm, "Bing Bong"? That sounds like something a flirting man would say beofre promptly getting slapped. After a while of matching up Pokemon on cards Wait, what exactly is Snap, what do the cards look like, and-, Pidgeotto returned, a Weedle clutched in his feet. What's a Weedle? It's a marshmallow, of course. Pidgeotto, the oldet four signs, was SIXTEEN. It was his duty to stop the others from getting hurt and to collect food. He always went on his own, because also 4 years ago what else happened back then to make you say ALSO four years ago? You figure out the other problem with this part of the sentence. I reckon it's obvious by now, when they had been forced to flee their home I thought the cave was their home? You mean their OLD home. SPECIFY AND MAKE SENSE MORE!!, Pidgeotto had to carry his two younger siblings in his feet, whilse five signs flying, for around 3 miles. So many commas that's it's not even funny! He had a strict, moody attitude. Well, gee, THANKS for telling not showing.

 

Your welcome for splitting apart things for your reading pleasure. Within a few hours, the Weedle had been roasted and split into three. Eating the meal, the brothers looked around the cave. Dumdumpops can eat? Eventually, as the sun outside the cave vanished over the mountainONE WORDtops, the brothers retreated to their beds. Would tommorow that's six signs in total be a more exciting day?

 

Of course the next day will be more exciting. This chapter was largely uneventful when you get down to the basics. Pokemon are in cave, big brother gets food, kids play cards, they get food, end. Besides that, there's basically no description, and I wanted more action. Whatever happened to the Machamp? I thought you might shift the focus to him sometime in the chapter. And you really need to use a program to type this on, like Microsoft Word. Heck, even Macs have a thing for this. Try Pages.

 

And to Asuka, everyone has their opinions. I think you're being a little too defensive, saying "It's not bad, that's just your opinion" which can be interpreted as "Your opinion doesn't count! It's the best story EVAR!" Not saying I got that from it, but you saying that still says over-defensive to me. My opinion, my world.

[Bassa]

Nice story. Can't wait for the next chapter to come out. Spell check!

 

Kind regards

[Asuka Reishim]

Kendo Fish, i like your story more i think u should expand.

i couldnt stop laughing.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Right...

Togepi isn't an egg?

It dosen't know how to speak english' date=' simply how to make noises that mean something.

Nameless...? Have you ever played Mystery Dungeon? MOST Pokemon are named after their species.

 

Maybe you should get your facts better before deciding to insult someone.

[/quote']

 

In response to the LAST answer... MYSTERY DUNGEON SUCKS. No wonder he'd wanted to forget about that. All spin-off games are considerably worse than the main series, so he's 1/10th forgiven for his error. Also, I'd review this, but Kendo has said everything I wanted to. So look at her for my review.

[Kendo Fish]

Kendo Fish' date=' i like your story more i think u should expand.

i couldnt stop laughing.

[/quote']

Quantum Leap: The Next Leap? Sam is now in the body of a three-legged silver platter with wings and the voice of Johnny Depp, taking care of a sausage and their adopted brother Dumdumpop of the Dumdum Gang. THAT would be a journey through sheer randomness that I can hardly imagine without the help of a second chapter that I can add my own description to. I simply couldn't have thought that up without the help of Weather Report giving me random objects and this story's lack of description. Thanks, blue eyes pop, for providing the basis of this random parody!

[Asuka Reishim]

Kendo Fish' date=' i like your story more i think u should expand.

i couldnt stop laughing.

[/quote']

Quantum Leap: The Next Leap? Sam is now in the body of a three-legged silver platter with wings and the voice of Johnny Depp, taking care of a sausage and their adopted brother Dumdumpop of the Dumdum Gang. THAT would be a journey through sheer randomness that I can hardly imagine without the help of a second chapter that I can add my own description to. I simply couldn't have thought that up without the help of Weather Report giving me random objects and this story's lack of description. Thanks, blue eyes pop, for providing the basis of this random parody!

I couldn't stop laughin at the 1st 2 lines.