five star force:a tale of true heros

[Super Half Vamp Riku]

well this is my first fan fic here gos

CHAPTER1

"Whens are mission going to be over already?!" zack said lazealy. "it will be done when we find and defeat the enemy","okey Haru ."Found em!" said kirsten.

But it was just a snake,after that they traveled the desert for what seamed like an eternity."Wait did you here that" said haru silently,listining hard, standing still ,trying not to make a sound.Then zack,haru and kirsten herd a rumbling noise,the ground began to shake and then a huge serpent like monster rose from the earth."Ill take him on my self !" ."I get to see you action at last Zack "said haru .Then zack jumped in the air and landed behind the creature.Zack punched the beast with great force.It seemed as if the creature did not feal a thing,then a second later the creature was shocked with many voltes of electricity.The creature passed out."so thats why they call you after sock right? asked haru."It was just a sand serpent " said kirsten disipointed.Then out of the ground came five more sand serpents.To make matters worse this group of sand serpents were even bigger then the first."We cant beat them by are selves ,call for back up"! said haru."You dont have to were already here ".Two more people arived ,they were from the same team." you guys are late!"haru said angrily."Geez come down boss" ."Ill come down when you guys get here on time MAKO!!!"haru shouted .The sand serpents attacked with tramendous speed but they wernt as fast as Haru .Haru pulled out his iron blade and cut all the sand serpents in one swift blow."It seems your stronger then last time haru"."Who said that whos there,come out and show your self unless your too scared to!!".A dark figure apeared behind haru."Oh its you dark heart"."No hellos or nice to see you"."CUT THE CRAP,WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!!!!".Then dark heart pulled out what apeared to be a Katana.Then haru pulled out his iron blade and they engaged in battle.They both extreamly fast and strong,they were both equel and nobody was about to back down."That was a nice warm up"."What did you say"!?.Dark heart was to fast for him and he slashed him in the back.Then haru passed out."Oh no boss are you okey"?!.Zack couldent take it any more and charged at Dark heart he kept trying to punch him but dark heart was too fast and dodged every blow.Dark heart stabbed Zack in the chest barely missing his heart.

[Kaisu]

Huh?

[spoiler=List]Speling erers.

capitalization errors

"Too many saids." said KaiKae

Too short

"I at last i to see you action at last"?????

Blobs in a white desert

 

Dude... this sucks.

Two of your biggest mistakes are-

Spelling Errors

Capitaliztion Errors

EDIT NAO.

[spoiler=Then maybe someone will do a-]WEATHER REPORT

 

[Super Half Vamp Riku]

i know i rushed ill fix it

[Kaisu]

Never rush.

Life might be too short, but never rush...

[Super Half Vamp Riku]

edit

[Kaisu]

Not much better to be honest.

Still too short, still lost of spelling/grammar errors and still lots of capitalization errors.

[Super Half Vamp Riku]

but hows the story it self

[Weather Report - Stand]

If you want somebody to talk about the story(ignoring all errors), then I GUESS I'll step in.

well this is my first fan fic here gos

CHAPTER1

"Whens are mission going to be over already?!" zack said lazealy. "it will be done when we find and defeat the enemy"' date='"okey Haru ."Found em!" said kirsten. Where are they? What do they look like? It seems like this story is about people on a random misson at 14 o'clock midnight in the Whale Desert. It's a desert... FULL OF WHALES!!

But it was just a snake,after that they traveled the desert for what seamed like an eternity."Wait did you here that" said haru silently,listining hard, standing still ,trying not to make a sound. They ARE in the Whale Desert! What do they need to find? Is there any backstory to be read... at all?!

 

Then zack,haru and kirsten herd a rumbling noise,the ground began to shake and then a huge serpent like monster rose from the earth."Ill take him on my self !" ."I get to see you action at last Zack "said haru .Then zack jumped in the air and landed behind the creature.Zack punched the beast with great force.It seemed as if the creature did not feal a thing,then a second later the creature was shocked with many voltes of electricity.The creature passed out.

Oooookayyyy... so they're kids, in Whale Desert, looking for the mystical Super Mario hat, I suppose, that can punch serpents real hard, making things feel immense electrical shocks. This isn't a story, it's stupid.

 

"so thats why they call you after sock right? asked haru."It was just a sand serpent " said kirsten disipointed.Then out of the ground came five more sand serpents.To make matters worse this group of sand serpents were even bigger then the first."We cant beat them by are selves ,call for back up"! said haru."You dont have to were already here ".Two more people arived ,they were from the same team." you guys are late!"haru said angrily."Geez come down boss" ."Ill come down when you guys get here on time MAKO!!!"haru shouted .

HOW STUPIDLY STEREOTYPICAL. After defeating one beast, FIVE MORE APPEAR. Why? Do you LIKE making stories with no plotlines? And if one uy beats a small one with no effort, then why can't three guys kill five bigger snakes? STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

 

The sand serpents attacked with tramendous speed but they wernt as fast as Haru .Haru pulled out his iron blade and cut all the sand serpents in one swift blow."It seems your stronger then last time haru"."Who said that whos there,come out and show your self unless your too scared to!!".A dark figure apeared behind haru."Oh its you dark heart"."No hellos or nice to see you"."CUT THE CRAP,WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!!!!".

HE HAD AN IRON BLADE?! TELL US THAT EARLIER, THEN!! YOU FAIL ENGLISH CLASS FOREVER. YOU CAN'T SPELL, YOU HATE GRAMMAR APPARENTLY, YOU HAVE NO EXPOSITION, PLOT, OR OVERALL INTERESTING WRITING HERE. YOU JUST FAIL. WHO'S DARK HEART SUPPOSED TO BE?! SOME GUY WHO APPEARS ALL THE TIME WHEN HE FIGHTS?! WHY DIDN'T HE KNOW THIS WOULD HAPPEN IF HE FOUGHT?! WHY IS HE SO CALM?!

 

Then dark heart pulled out what apeared to be a Katana.Then haru pulled out his iron blade and they engaged in battle.They both extreamly fast and strong,they were both equel and nobody was about to back down."That was a nice warm up"."What did you say"!?.Dark heart was to fast for him and he slashed him in the back.Then haru passed out."Oh no boss are you okey"?!.Zack couldent take it any more and charged at Dark heart he kept trying to punch him but dark heart was too fast and dodged every blow.Dark heart stabbed Zack in the chest barely missing his heart.

What do I think of your story? I think it sucks. Some kids are in a big desert, looking for something we never hear about, and they're attacked by serpents. Then they're attacked by MORE serpents and two more people appear. Then one guy takes out a sword and fights his dark side for some reason, then loses and passes out. WHAT ABOUT THE SNAKES?! WHAT DOES ANYBODY SAY WHILE THIS IS HAPPENING?! YOUR PEOPLE ARE UNREALISTIC. THERE'S NO PLOT. YOU JUST SUCK AT WRITING. PRACTICE. PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE PRACTICE.

[Umbra]

I think I can give this an ADOLF award: A Disgrace Of Likable Fiction. Because that's what this is. I'm not saying this as a Mod, but as a reader.

[Super Half Vamp Riku]

i know its bad

[Weather Report - Stand]

Then you try to fix it if it's bad! My advice would first be to ORGANIZE YOUR PLOT RATHER THAT HAVING IT ALL OVER THE PLACE, since even if your grammar sucks, a good plot can get readers.

 

Also Umbra, I really don't care about what other people think about my reviews (well, of course, or else I'd have stopped reviewing MONTHS ago), as long as I know that I'm speaking the truth from my eyes. I have no interest in what it looks like to everybody else.