KuntryBoy Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 so today in school i wrote chapter one of "The QB" ENjoy Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. Now today is his 13th Birthday, and he can't play football until 7th grade. But the good news is that there's only 2 weeks left in school. He loves to play QuarterBack Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he hikes it and pitches it for a T.D. "Yay we won" said Pierre excidetly Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him Hi-Fives. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a kiss. His teachers even gave him Hi-Fives. Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to study. While there he also ate dinner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brushfire Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Loads of grammar issues, plus it's like, not even seven lines and you call it a Chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KuntryBoy Posted September 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 its not completely done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dweller of Parables Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Epic Fail by a Failure.~Spiritually Locked~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zeroshot Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Your timeline doesn't make senseLots of grammar issuesbasic Football guidline failureMore failure in timelines (1 football game=2 plays?) Just really stupid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OMGAKITTY Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Unless you're 8, this story sucks. Now move it to fanfic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HORUS Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Dear lord this is pathetic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dweller of Parables Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 I would have been satisfied if this was a warm-up story before my bedtime readings of the Bible when I was 4.No "A" for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xazeon Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Wow this is.... this is offenseive to football players like myself =/ 'Yay we won!' was the only sentence. I'd excpect more from an 8 year old. This is pathetic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OMGAKITTY Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. He also had super powers. Now today is his 13th Birthday, which means he will finally develop laser beem eyes. Unfortunately, the school is racist and he can't play football if he has laser beem eyes. But the good news is that he used his laser beem eyes to kill the current quaterback, so they have no choice but to play him. Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he shoots laser beems at the opponents, killing them all horribly. h"Yay we won!" shouted Pierre excitedly as blood rained from the sky. Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him money so he wouldn't laser beem them. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a *******. His teachers also gave him ********. Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to "study". While there he also funked her mom. Hay OP, I fix'd ur story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeREVOLUTION Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. He also had super powers. Now today is his 13th Birthday' date=' [b']which means he will finally develop laser beem eyes.[/b] Unfortunately, the school is racist and he can't play football if he has laser beem eyes. But the good news is that he used his laser beem eyes to kill the current quaterback, so they have no choice but to play him. Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he shoots laser beems at the opponents, killing them all horribly. h"Yay we won!" shouted Pierre excitedly as blood rained from the sky. Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him money so he wouldn't laser beem them. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a *******. His teachers also gave him ********. Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to "study". While there he also f***ed her mom. Hay OP, I fix'd ur story. I love a good WEATHER REPORT.______________________________ Cool story bro Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xazeon Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. He also had super powers. Now today is his 13th Birthday' date=' [b']which means he will finally develop laser beem eyes.[/b] Unfortunately, the school is racist and he can't play football if he has laser beem eyes. But the good news is that he used his laser beem eyes to kill the current quaterback, so they have no choice but to play him. Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he shoots laser beems at the opponents, killing them all horribly. h"Yay we won!" shouted Pierre excitedly as blood rained from the sky. Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him money so he wouldn't laser beem them. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a *******. His teachers also gave him ********. Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to "study". While there he also f***ed her mom. Hay OP, I fix'd ur story.+1 internetz, +2 reps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zeroshot Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. He also had super powers. Now today is his 13th Birthday' date=' [b']which means he will finally develop laser beem eyes.[/b] Unfortunately, the school is racist and he can't play football if he has laser beem eyes. But the good news is that he used his laser beem eyes to kill the current quaterback, so they have no choice but to play him. Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he shoots laser beems at the opponents, killing them all horribly. h"Yay we won!" shouted Pierre excitedly as blood rained from the sky. Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him money so he wouldn't laser beem them. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a *******. His teachers also gave him ********. Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to "study". While there he also f***ed her mom. Hay OP, I fix'd ur story. Win Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dweller of Parables Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. He also had super powers. Now today is his 13th Birthday' date=' [b']which means he will finally develop laser beem eyes.[/b] Unfortunately, the school is racist and he can't play football if he has laser beem eyes. But the good news is that he used his laser beem eyes to kill the current quaterback, so they have no choice but to play him. Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he shoots laser beems at the opponents, killing them all horribly. h"Yay we won!" shouted Pierre excitedly as blood rained from the sky. Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him money so he wouldn't laser beem them. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a *******. His teachers also gave him ********. Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to "study". While there he also f***ed her mom. Hay OP, I fix'd ur story. Win lol beemEpic Win.(you beat me to it :() Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HORUS Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. He also had super powers. Now today is his 13th Birthday' date=' [b']which means he will finally develop laser beem eyes.[/b] Unfortunately, the school is racist and he can't play football if he has laser beem eyes. But the good news is that he used his laser beem eyes to kill the current quaterback, so they have no choice but to play him. Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he shoots laser beems at the opponents, killing them all horribly. h"Yay we won!" shouted Pierre excitedly as blood rained from the sky. Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him money so he wouldn't laser beem them. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a *******. His teachers also gave him ********. Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to "study". While there he also f***ed her mom. Hay OP, I fix'd ur story. Sounds like a normal day for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dweller of Parables Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Whoever posts "tl;dr" in this thread is stupid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HORUS Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 tl;dr Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dweller of Parables Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 tl;dr You iz stoop1d Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeREVOLUTION Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 tl;dr Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xazeon Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 tl;drNO U Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harhar Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. He also had super powers. Now today is his 13th Birthday' date=' [b']which means he will finally develop laser beem eyes.[/b] Unfortunately, the school is racist and he can't play football if he has laser beem eyes. But the good news is that he used his laser beem eyes to kill the current quaterback, so they have no choice but to play him. Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he shoots laser beems at the opponents, killing them all horribly. h"Yay we won!" shouted Pierre excitedly as blood rained from the sky. Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him money so he wouldn't laser beem them. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a *******. His teachers also gave him ********. Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to "study". While there he also f***ed her mom. Hay OP, I fix'd ur story. I laughed so hard.+2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Phoenix Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 A) It's spelled "excitedly". B) I'm so happy because I have spell check and I Use it! C) I lol'ed at chapter. You don't even have a decent paragraph within this patchwork horror of a "Chapter". D) Why does the protagonist have a French first name and a Spanish last name? It's damn inconsistent. E) Don't be afraid to use adjectives or adverbs. Sure they're probably highly advanced concepts even for someone of your caliber, but they won't bite you >_> F) "Pierre did this. Then he did this. Then this happened. Then I finished this centi-arsed chapter with no sentence flow or variety." G) Why did we warp back in time half way through? Chronological order, unless you think you can tie the flashback back to the beginning in a grand fashion. Are you Quentin Tarantino? I didn't funking think so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blamonchesix Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 I don't get the story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yankee Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 lolnobodycares4urstorylol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frlf Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 How can I play the game called QuarterBack?It sounds really fun to play QuarterBack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.