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My story called "The QB"


KuntryBoy

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so today in school i wrote chapter one of "The QB" ENjoy

 

 

Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. Now today is his 13th Birthday, and he can't play football until 7th grade. But the good news is that there's only 2 weeks left in school. He loves to play QuarterBack

 

Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he hikes it and pitches it for a T.D. "Yay we won" said Pierre excidetly

 

Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him Hi-Fives. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a kiss. His teachers even gave him Hi-Fives.

 

Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to study. While there he also ate dinner.

 

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Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. He also had super powers. Now today is his 13th Birthday, which means he will finally develop laser beem eyes. Unfortunately, the school is racist and he can't play football if he has laser beem eyes. But the good news is that he used his laser beem eyes to kill the current quaterback, so they have no choice but to play him.

 

Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he shoots laser beems at the opponents, killing them all horribly. h"Yay we won!" shouted Pierre excitedly as blood rained from the sky.

 

Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him money so he wouldn't laser beem them. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a *******. His teachers also gave him ********.

 

Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to "study". While there he also funked her mom.

 

 

 

Hay OP, I fix'd ur story.

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Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. He also had super powers. Now today is his 13th Birthday' date=' [b']which means he will finally develop laser beem eyes.[/b] Unfortunately, the school is racist and he can't play football if he has laser beem eyes. But the good news is that he used his laser beem eyes to kill the current quaterback, so they have no choice but to play him.

 

Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he shoots laser beems at the opponents, killing them all horribly. h"Yay we won!" shouted Pierre excitedly as blood rained from the sky.

 

Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him money so he wouldn't laser beem them. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a *******. His teachers also gave him ********.

 

Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to "study". While there he also f***ed her mom.

 

 

 

Hay OP, I fix'd ur story.

 

I love a good WEATHER REPORT.

______________________________

 

Cool story bro

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Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. He also had super powers. Now today is his 13th Birthday' date=' [b']which means he will finally develop laser beem eyes.[/b] Unfortunately, the school is racist and he can't play football if he has laser beem eyes. But the good news is that he used his laser beem eyes to kill the current quaterback, so they have no choice but to play him.

 

Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he shoots laser beems at the opponents, killing them all horribly. h"Yay we won!" shouted Pierre excitedly as blood rained from the sky.

 

Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him money so he wouldn't laser beem them. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a *******. His teachers also gave him ********.

 

Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to "study". While there he also f***ed her mom.

 

 

 

Hay OP, I fix'd ur story.

+1 internetz, +2 reps.

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Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. He also had super powers. Now today is his 13th Birthday' date=' [b']which means he will finally develop laser beem eyes.[/b] Unfortunately, the school is racist and he can't play football if he has laser beem eyes. But the good news is that he used his laser beem eyes to kill the current quaterback, so they have no choice but to play him.

 

Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he shoots laser beems at the opponents, killing them all horribly. h"Yay we won!" shouted Pierre excitedly as blood rained from the sky.

 

Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him money so he wouldn't laser beem them. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a *******. His teachers also gave him ********.

 

Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to "study". While there he also f***ed her mom.

 

 

 

Hay OP, I fix'd ur story.

 

Win

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Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. He also had super powers. Now today is his 13th Birthday' date=' [b']which means he will finally develop laser beem eyes.[/b] Unfortunately, the school is racist and he can't play football if he has laser beem eyes. But the good news is that he used his laser beem eyes to kill the current quaterback, so they have no choice but to play him.

 

Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he shoots laser beems at the opponents, killing them all horribly. h"Yay we won!" shouted Pierre excitedly as blood rained from the sky.

 

Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him money so he wouldn't laser beem them. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a *******. His teachers also gave him ********.

 

Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to "study". While there he also f***ed her mom.

 

 

 

Hay OP, I fix'd ur story.

 

Win

 

lol beem

Epic Win.

(you beat me to it :()

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Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. He also had super powers. Now today is his 13th Birthday' date=' [b']which means he will finally develop laser beem eyes.[/b] Unfortunately, the school is racist and he can't play football if he has laser beem eyes. But the good news is that he used his laser beem eyes to kill the current quaterback, so they have no choice but to play him.

 

Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he shoots laser beems at the opponents, killing them all horribly. h"Yay we won!" shouted Pierre excitedly as blood rained from the sky.

 

Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him money so he wouldn't laser beem them. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a *******. His teachers also gave him ********.

 

Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to "study". While there he also f***ed her mom.

 

 

 

Hay OP, I fix'd ur story.

 

Sounds like a normal day for me.

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Pierre Rodruguez was a 12 year old boy who was obsessed with football. He also had super powers. Now today is his 13th Birthday' date=' [b']which means he will finally develop laser beem eyes.[/b] Unfortunately, the school is racist and he can't play football if he has laser beem eyes. But the good news is that he used his laser beem eyes to kill the current quaterback, so they have no choice but to play him.

 

Today is Pierre's first game. His team got the ball first. He hikes it, and passes it for a 40 yard gain. Next play, he shoots laser beems at the opponents, killing them all horribly. h"Yay we won!" shouted Pierre excitedly as blood rained from the sky.

 

Today at school Pierre wore his jersey. He also wore all Under Armour. He is obsessed with it. Everybody gave him money so he wouldn't laser beem them. And his girlfriend, Christa, gave him a *******. His teachers also gave him ********.

 

Once he got home, he went to Christa's house to "study". While there he also f***ed her mom.

 

 

 

Hay OP, I fix'd ur story.

 

I laughed so hard.

+2

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A) It's spelled "excitedly".

 

B) I'm so happy because I have spell check and I Use it!

 

C) I lol'ed at chapter. You don't even have a decent paragraph within this patchwork horror of a "Chapter".

 

D) Why does the protagonist have a French first name and a Spanish last name? It's damn inconsistent.

 

E) Don't be afraid to use adjectives or adverbs. Sure they're probably highly advanced concepts even for someone of your caliber, but they won't bite you >_>

 

F) "Pierre did this. Then he did this. Then this happened. Then I finished this centi-arsed chapter with no sentence flow or variety."

 

 

G) Why did we warp back in time half way through? Chronological order, unless you think you can tie the flashback back to the beginning in a grand fashion. Are you Quentin Tarantino? I didn't funking think so.

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