[~ɸ~] Yu-Gi-Oh! The Omega Organization ~ Chapter 3 is up! (25. July 2010)

[Lord Ursus]

Discontinued until I see fit to post this thing up here

 

Here I take another go at writing, and I had an idea about Yu-Gi-Oh most prized among my many sudden flashes of plot twists, deck ideas and such.

 

 

This is merely a warm-up for my book that I plan to write, and this is for YCM and to you, dear reader. But also for me to evolve as an author.

 

 

One thing you will notice is that the fan-fic is written in parts. This is because I find it hard to write crime story in one grand stroke. And yes, this is a crime story.

 

 

Please note:

I am rewriting the previous chapters, though sadly I have little time to do so. Please don't rush me.

 

So, without further ado, the fan-fic:

 

[spoiler=Honour Among Thieves]

[spoiler=[size=large]Chapter 4 - Clash[/size]]

A simultaneous movement in the restaurant, and all was chaos. People screaming and the shrieking of furniture against the polished floor was all Jupiter could hear as the two men made their way through the pandemonium towards Jupiter, who sat still and ate with one hand, as the other was under the table, clutching his pistol.

The little place was but abandoned when the gunslingers glanced down at Jupiter. The latter raised his head to his visitors; one of which was very tall. “Now, what can I help you with?” he said. Two guns at his face was the answer. “I see.” Then, in one swift movement, Jupiter threw himself on the floor and pressed the trigger, forcing a bullet into the leg of one of the villains, who screamed and shot wildly into the air. Jupiter heard the shattering of china in the distance. The other man held his companion’s hand at bay, yet still pointing his gun at the detective. At this, Jupiter got up and smiled.

 

“You are sent to get me alive to your superior,” said Jupiter. “And judging by the clumsiness of this operation, I take it you are not from a very well organized organization. Assault me in a crowded restaurant? Come on! You could at least take some hostages to make this more interesting.” He straightened his tie, the one with the emblem of his organization on it, and carried on. “Well, what will you do, then? I am still armed, and you cannot shoot me.”

 

“We’re two against one.” said the bigger of the two. “I can very well see that,” said Jupiter. “But then, what do you want from me? The front door key to the organization? Valuable information? One of your fellow thugs set free?” “We cannot tell you that.” said the shorter man, who was panting slightly, blood oozing from the hole in his leg. “You better get that fixed.” said Jupiter. “Oh, I ought to-“ “Na-ah. You are not allowed, remember? You are two against an entire organization… Ah, yes, I believe that is them.”

 

The sudden sound of sirens and flashes of red and blue surrounded the restaurant as two vehicles parked outside the local. “How?” Asked one of the villains. “See this?” said Jupiter, indicating to the Omega Organization emblem on his tie, on which a red diode was flashing. “This is not just for show.”

 

“Curses!” barked the bigger of the two, who ran to the backdoor, the smaller one limping behind. A bang from a gun and he now fell onto the floor, cursing and clutching his other, now also bleeding leg. “I’ll leave him for you, then.” Said Jupiter, kicking the villain’s gun out of range.

 

…

 

The tall man slammed the backdoor of the restaurant shut, and ran down the alley, lit by lanterns. Footsteps approaching made him stop. Into vision came Irwin Bauregarde. He wore a long coat and a hat, which came off to salute the villain. “Good evening.” Said Irwin.

In response, the tall man flashed his gun at the stranger. Irwin, however, had already drawn his weapon, and a single shot blew the pistol out of the man’s extensive hand. It flew out of sight. “Hehe. You’ll have to try better than that, I’m afraid,” laughed Irwin. He fished something out of his coat: a Duel Disk. He chucked it at the man’s feet. “Now, we duel. You’ve got a deck, right?” “Of course, let’s duel!” said the thug. Irwin noticed a spark in the opponent’s face as he fetched out his deck.

 

Irwin: 8000

Villain: 8000

 

“I’ll take the first turn, if you don’t mind.” And Irwin drew his card. “I summon Chromatic Eya.”

 

At these words, a strange machine appeared. It seemed to be praying, and flashed in lustrous colours. (ATK 0 | Level 1) “My deck is packed with the powerful “Chromatic” monsters. And they gain various effects based on whether they are Normal or Special Summoned. Now since this one was Normal Summoned, if I Tribute it for an effect, it reappears during my next Standby Phase. I’ll accompany it with this face-down card for now. Your turn.”

 

The villain drew a card, but was immediately interrupted by Irwin’s face-down card, which flipped up in response. “Since this is the beginning of your turn, I see no better timing for this card. I activate Radiant Revelation! So now I Tribute a LIGHT attribute monster so that this turn, you cannot attack, activate Spell or Traps, and will have to play with your hand revealed. I’ll Tribute my only monster, Eya.”

 

The opponent grunted, and revealed his hand as the machine opposing him disappeared in a flash of light. It was filled with a Solar Flare Dragon, Fire Trooper, Thestalos the Firestorm Monarch, and two Spells: Pot of Avarice and Mystical Space Typhoon and a Trap, which was Backfire.

 

“Playing a burn deck, eh? I see you are a man who likes to get things over quickly. Perhaps that’s why they chose you for this mission? But enough small talk, what will you do?”

 

“I Summon Solar Flare Dragon, in Attack Position.” “Of course you do.”

A serpent of fire appeared on the field, emanating a fiery aura that enlightened the surroundings. (ATK 1500 | Level 4)

 

“I also Set two cards face-down, and I’ll end my turn, at which time my Solar Flare Dragon deals 500 points of damage to you!”

The fiery serpent spat a jet of fire at Irwin, who merely smiled.

 

Irwin: 7500

 

“It’ll take more than that; I draw! Remember my Eya? Now that it’s my Standby Phase, it returns to me once more!”

Returning to the field, the radiant machine turned to its owner, releasing a sparkling aura. “Oh yeah, when Eya is Special Summoned, I gain 1000 Life Points.” Said Irwin from amidst the light.”

 

Irwin: 8500

 

Irwin examined his hand, before saying: “I Summon Chromatic Kel.”

 

Another machine appeared, and as its predecessor, it shone with a variety of bright colours. It had thick armour and carried a long, serrated sword. (ATK 1900 | Level 4)

 

“This monster prevents you from drawing cards outside your Draw Phase. Plus, with its 1900 Attack Points, I attack your Solar Flare Dragon. Eat this!”

 

Chromatic Kel plunged at the dragon, sword raised high for the finishing blow. “Hang on, I activate Backfire!” said the villain abruptly. “So, for each FIRE attribute monster you destroy, you take 500 damage!”

 

The dragon was shattered, leaving a flare of fires that swept at Irwin.

 

Irwin: 8000

 

“I’m right back where I started, then. I’ll activate Chromatic Legacy.”

 

Irwin slid the Spell Card into place on his Duel Disk and continued; “This card lets me, once per turn, select a Chromatic monster I control and have it treated as though it has been either Normal or Special Summoned. I’ll have Eya treated as tough it’s been Normal Summoned and end my turn with a face-down.”

 

The villain drew a card, then exhaled heavily, of which Irwin took notice. “A bad draw?” “That’s none of your business!” snarled the tall man. “I activate Mystical Space Typhoon to destroy your Spell!” At this point, a mighty tempest rose high and crashed towards its target.

 

“Sorry, but I saw that coming,” intervened Irwin. “In response I activate this: Chromatic Mirror! It will reflect an effect that would destroy a “Chromatic” card of mine to a card of my choosing. How about your Backfire?”

 

Furious winds of gusts from the spell turned and ravaged the Trap, shattering it to myriads of holographic pieces.

Irwin laughed, explaining, “This is just too fun! Just you wait, and I’ll give you the show of your life!”

[spoiler=Cards introduced in chapter 3]

 

[spoiler=Irwin]

 

Will get back to you on these.

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=[size=Large]Chapter 3 - Dragon Slayer[/size]]

 

The vortex was ever-shifting, twisting and writhing amongst the ravaged ruins that surrounded the field of battle. Jupiter’s field, consisting of the field spell Requiem of Life, three face-down cards and a monster with 1500 ATK, namely Memory Requiem – Torment, stood strong in comparison with Anthony’s field of two face-down cards.

 

 

Jupiter drew his card for the turn, smiling.

 

 

Jupiter: 8000; Cards-0

 

Anthony: 8000; Cards-3

 

 

“I draw,” and so Jupiter did. “I’ll set this card.”

 

 

The card was set on Jupiter’s field, attracting the gaze of the pondering Anthony, until it once more rested upon the detective.

 

 

Smiling slightly, Jupiter passed the turn.

 

 

“I summon Jain, Lightsworn Paladin!”

 

 

A young soldier in armor appeared beside Anthony, and with one arm on its hip it stared arrogantly at its opposition. (ATK 1800 | Level 4)

 

 

“Attack that Torment thing!”

 

 

At its master’s command, the soldier leapt at the black-clad fiend, slashing it with its sword. (ATK 1800 – 2100) The fiend groaned in agony, although it seemed not to be damaged at all, rather its wound seemed to close.

 

 

“Confused?” asked Jupiter. “You see, thanks to this field spell, Requiem of Life, either player can save their monsters from destruction, except destruction aimed by a “Memory” card by taking 700 points of damage. I guess I forgot to tell you about that ability. And then there’s this twist to it: every instance of damage we both take is increased by 100 per level our monsters have combined. I have the edge, though, as every monster in a Memory Zone is Level 0. Oh yeah, 700 damage including the 600 from the attack… Torment?”

 

 

The fiend shrieked in pain, growing in power as it did. (ATK 1500 – 2800)

 

 

“Ok,” said Anthony, readying his next move. “I activate Light Spiral. And now, since it’s the end of my turn, my Jain forces me to send the top 3 cards of my deck to the graveyard. And because of this trap, I force you to remove the top card of your deck as I do so.”

 

 

Jupiter removed the top card, a monster. Anthony sent his three. A gleeful smile flashed across his opponent’s face, Jupiter noticed, as he readied his turn.

 

 

“I draw. Ah, excellent. I activate Memorial Reminescence. So I draw 2 cards as long as I control a Memory Requiem, then I take 1000 damage.”

 

 

Memory Requiem – Torment was subjected to the pain once more and Jupiter drew two fresh cards from his deck. (ATK 2800 – 3800)

 

 

“I’ll follow that up with this monster; Memory Requiem – Terror! I’ll summon this one in face-up Defense Position –yes, that’s its effect- and in a Memory Zone.”

 

 

A horned, red-haired fiend appeared at Jupiter’s side. It towered slightly over its owner’s head and looked quite intimidating. (DEF 2100 | Level 4)

 

 

“And now, face-down activate! Amnesia Wave Motion! This card forces me to discard a card, but later on, when you intend to Normal or Special Summon a monster with higher total Levels than my monsters combined, I can destroy one of my

 

monsters to destroy yours.”

 

 

Anthony seemed to flinch, but just for a mere second. Jupiter dutifully slid his card at hand into the duel disk’s graveyard slot.

 

“I activate Terror’s effect! It allows me to Special Summon a Memory Requiem from my graveyard. Rise, Memory Requiem – Suffering!”

 

 

A bestial menace rose to its master’s heed. It brandished long horns and showed off sanguine feathers. (ATK 2300 | Level 6) Then an order. The beast flung itself at the paladin opposing him and smashed him to pieces with a shattering blow.

 

 

“That’ll be 1300 damage, as Suffering here packs a finesse to its punch; one that is similar to my Requiem of Life Field Spell. This only occurs when it battles, however. “

 

 

“I get it, I get it. Move on, will you?”

 

 

Jupiter: 8000; Cards – 0

 

Anthony: 6700; Cards – 3

 

 

Anthony hadn’t spoken in a while, trying to cope with Jupiter’s flurry of momentum. He watched the field: three monsters for Jupiter, zero for himself. Four opposing spell or trap cards, one opposing them. And then there was this field spell. Sighing,

 

 

Anthony drew his card.

 

 

“Finally! I Summon Judgment Dragon!”

 

 

He slapped the card energetically onto his duel disk, and a veil of bright light enclosed the ruins. The dragon rose, its white wings stretching, its eyes fixed on its foe. A fanged mouth opened in a snarl, and wisps of radiant flames tasted air. (ATK 3000 | Level 8 )

 

 

“I know I can’t attack because of that Hysteria and that Torment, so I’ll blow them all away! How do you like that? I pay 1000 Life Points to do so.”

 

 

Jupiter: 8000; Cards – 0

 

Anthony: 5700; Cards – 3

 

 

“You really thought I’d let you call a single shot, eh? I activate wicked hindrance.”

 

Judgment Dragon, who had seemed to be readying something a second before, froze.

 

 

“This card let you evaluate the value of your cards. First off, it negates an effect that will destroy at least one card of its own type, and then it will aim to destroy your dragon. However, you may save it by discarding your entire hand. If you do, though, that card loses its effect until it’s your turn again. Finally, it gets re-Set on my field, inflicting 1000 points worth of damage to me. Did you catch all that?”

 

 

“I’ll discard my hand, then.”

 

 

The majestic dragon evaporated into thin air, and the trap was reset. The next moment, Memory Requiem – Torment was suffering and rose in power. (ATK 3800 – 4800) It took only a couple of seconds, however, before the creature once again overshadowed the stage.

 

 

“Remember, that is still a Special Summon, and I still have 4 Lightsworns in my graveyard.”

 

 

“I know.”

 

 

“I attack your Terror thingie!”

 

 

The dragon let loose a scorching ray of white flames at the tall fiend. Though, suddenly, said fiend was surrounded by purple light and the flames bounced right off.

 

 

“AARGH! What is it now, then?”

 

 

“Another trap, I’m afraid: Memory Force. I can return a removed from play Memory Requiem, - such as the Memory Requiem – Pride I removed with Allure of Darkness so long ago – to the graveyard. Doing so, I negate an attack and aim 500 damage right at your face. Remember to count in the extra 800 points, due to your monster’s high Level and my Field Spell.”

 

Anthony grunted in frustration as his Life Point meter was reduced. All around the two, the tension was almost solid; every kid encircling watched the detective’s dueling flare with awe and inspiration in their eyes.

 

 

Jupiter: 8000; Cards – 0

 

Anthony: 4400; Cards – 0

 

 

“I draw.” So Jupiter did, and he smiled. “I think we ought to end this right about now. My drawn card is Torment Bond! For you see, normally, Torment cannot attack, though with this card he is allowed to for one turn.”

 

Anthony took a step backwards. The children whispered excitedly. Jupiter flipped up his one, final card for the match…

 

 

“Natural Zero; I remove a Memory Requiem monster in my graveyard from play and destroy a face-up monster. Memory Requiem – Pride, you’re gone, as are you, Judgment Dragon.” The dragon shrieked and was gone in a flash of light.

 

 

“Torment, finish this!”

 

 

The monster obeyed.

 

 

The ruins reconstructed themselves as the holographic unit of the duel disks turned off. Then, there were jubilant cries from the crowd. Cheering could also be heard from the people eating dinner in restaurants nearby. Anthony looked down at his feet and cursed under his breath. “Do you remember the terms, Anthony?” asked Jupiter, who was gently turning away kids wanting his autograph.

 

 

“Yeah,” said Anthony. He opened up a bag full of cards, hardly any of them his own, Jupiter thought, and handed out cards to many of the children with a sulky look in his eyes.

 

 

Leaving the crowd, Jupiter sat down at a restaurant and ordered some food. From out the window, it seemed Anthony was done handing out the cards. He was now talking a couple of men. Jupiter remembered vaguely having seen them close by where they had dueled, and didn’t quite like the looks on their faces. The kid pointed to where he was sitting.

 

 

Entering the restaurant, the men put on masks and drew guns.

 

[spoiler=Cards introduced in chapter 3]

 

[spoiler=Jupiter]

 

Will get back to you on these.

 

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=[size=Large]Chapter 2 - Among Festivities and Strife[/size]]

 

All was explosions and furious flashes of light. Jupiter had always liked the annual Duel Monsters Festival, and loved the fact that it would be set near Christmas this year, yet the freezing weather seemed to damper on the mood. Nonetheless, the ones organizing the festivities had spared no expense on terms of fireworks and food.

 

 

It was about a week since Jupiter’s encounter with Timmy, and the case he and his colleagues pursued was beginning to go cold. No news on the case had been revealed, no new clues. Nothing. Jupiter had intently tried to find out more about this brother of Timmy’s ever since it had slipped from the lips of the alcoholic. He had also tried making contact over the phone, (This had not been Timmy’s first experience with agents of the law, so tracking down his number had been a matter of ease) but said person never answered Jupiter’s calls for whatever reason, and the caller was beginning to be anxious.

 

 

As no progress had taken place in the inquiry, the Omega Organization suddenly found themselves at the beginning of their winter vacation, set in action just in time for the employees to experience the Duel Monsters Festival before they took off to a family time of skiing and the like.

 

 

Jupiter himself had never really learnt to relax during his holidays, which he had got to hear a lot in the office, and tended to use his entire time off working on his quests for justice, or tweaking his duelling strategies to the tip of perfection. As he now sat, his long hair in a horse-tail, pondering over whatever he might have missed, his glance kept sneaking sideways to a bundle of kids forming a circle around what clearly was a duel, and by the sounds of it, it wasn’t a very friendly match. He noticed a majestic white dragon, a flash of light, and then a groan from one of the players; presumably the one in the receiving end of that blast.

 

 

“You lose, Fred. Now hand me the card!” he heard from one of the duellists, but the voice demanding this sounded a bit rougher than the one that had groaned. Jupiter stood up and approached the cluster.

 

 

The rough-voiced duellist was a slightly round boy with glasses. He had to be in his early teen ages and was bigger than the rest of the kids. He now stood; hand reached forward in demand, to a skinny boy with rather large front-teeth, freckles and by the sound of it, a verge to burst into tears. “Give me the card!” the bigger one barked. “What is this?” said Jupiter abruptly, causing the attention of the entire crowd to be fixed upon his visage. The teen glared at Jupiter, grinning as he said: “None of your concern, pony-tail.” The crowd laughed anxiously at this. A speckle of red blossomed on Jupiter’s cheeks. “I will ask you again, fatty, what is this all about?” all was dead quiet, yet the stillness was broken after what seemed like minutes by the following words, spoken by a boy beside Jupiter, who seemed to be of about the same age as the loser of the previous duel. “That there is Anthony. He forces people to duel, and take the loser’s rarest cards as a prize. My friend Simon just lost. This is not fair! Can you please do something about this?” “With pleasure,” sounded the reply.

 

 

Anthony, now red with anger, watched as Jupiter took position opposite him, readying his Duel Disk. “This is how we’re going to do this,” said Jupiter, not gracing Anthony with the slightest glance as he shuffled his deck and inserted it into his Duel Disk. “You are going to abide by my rules, and they go like this: Should I lose, I will give you my rarest card in exchange for whatever card you have ever taken as an ante. My win will also result in me getting all your “trophies”, but I will also inform your parents. You may choose not to participate, but that will only result in me shipping your overabundant buttocks to a juvenile camp.” “First off, you don’t know where I live, and second, you can’t just send me to a juve-juveny... what you said.” Both of Anthony’s statements were proven wrong by Jupiter tightening his tie, which showed of a silver badge with the Omega Organization’s crest; the letter Omega, surrounded by a serrated sun.

 

 

“I can always find out where you live, as I am second-in-command of the Omega Organization, and such status would give me a lot of authority to send you wherever I’d fancy, don’t you think?” Anthony seemed to have flinched, trying to comprehend the situation. “Let’s throw down.” he eventually said.

 

 

Jupiter: 8000; Cards-5

 

Anthony: 8000; Cards-5

 

 

Anthony drew first and set a single card face-down in his Spell @ Trap Card Zone. “I’ll also summon Garoth, Lightsworn Warrior!” A grumpy-looking man in white armour appeared to the field, he had a big axe in hand, which he thrust into the ground and leaned on, observing the opposition. (ATK 1850 | Level 4)

 

 

“Then I’ll active Solar Recharge! So I will have to discard 1 “Lightsworn” monster,” which he did “And then I can draw 2 cards, but I’ll have to send the top 2 cards of my deck to the graveyard.” The cards slid into Anthony’s graveyard, causing a light to appear from within there, and a lupine creature joined his side. It had vicious-looking claw appendages on his right hand, and an axe in his left. It growled. (ATK 2100 | Level 4) “That was Wulf, Lightsworn Beast. When he is sent to the...” “Yes, I know, I know. Go on,” Interrupted Jupiter. Anthony frowned, and with a gesture with his hand, signalized the end of his turn.

 

 

Jupiter drew his card in silence. “I activate Allure of Darkness. So now I can draw 2 cards, but I will have to dispose of my hand unless I remove a DARK monster from play. Now my Memory Requiem – Pride will suffice.” Jupiter slid the removed card into his pocket, and then continued. “Next I shall summon Memory Requiem – Torment.” The familiar black fiend rose from the card, bloody eyes fixing on Anthony, and its mouth curving in a sinister grin.

 

 

“I will summon him in a Memory Zone, so now, since all of my monsters are in one of those, you get to attack me directly, and Torment’s Level is treated as zero.” (ATK 0 | Level 1 - 0) However, Anthony did not even move a muscle in reaction of the Memory Requiem. Jupiter had already decided that using their real power against a kid would not be moral, even if he was a card-stealing brat.

 

 

“Now the time is ripe; I activate Requiem of Life!” By inserting the card into his Field Spell Zone, the surrounding changed drastically; every building close-by seemed to become a ruin of their former self, and all was transparent. From the ground where the duellists stood, a vortex twisted and writhed, nebulas of pure white lights curving around the ruins.

 

 

“With this change of scenery, no “Memory” card can have their effects or summoning negated. It’s got some other tricks as well, such as these: When a monster is attacked, it loses 300 ATK at the beginning of the damage step. Additionally, damage we both would take is increased by 100 per level of each monster we control.”

 

 

Anthony merely smiled, looking overly self-confident. “Doesn’t really strike a bell, it seems,” said Jupiter. “So I will place 4 cards face-down and show you, my true tactics.”

 

 

“Whatever.” Anthony drew his card and beheld it. He grinned and had it join the other cards he held in his chubby hand. “I summon Lumina, Lightsworn Summoner!”

 

 

A young girl wearing a white robe appeared and smiled. (ATK 1000)

 

 

“And you said I can attack you directly, right?” Anthony asked. Jupiter nodded. “Ok! But seeing as attacking a monster with 0 ATK will cause the same amount of damage as a direct attack, I’ll attack your monster with Lumina!”

 

 

The girl created a sphere of light between her hands on this command, and promptly plunged it directly at the fiend’s visage. The strike was, however, paused as one of Jupiter’s hidden weapons flipped face-up from his Spell & Trap Card Zone. “I activate Memory Blade,” Announced Jupiter. “This card, given I control a face-up Memory Requiem monster, will destroy every single Attack Position monster you control once you attack. Yet I will take 500 damage for each of them.”

 

 

“It can’t be...” Anthony groaned as a crescent wave of energy slashed through all of his monsters, shattering their images into thousands of shards. The trap card responsible glowed for a little while before disappearing, and as it did, a surge of energy flashed at Jupiter, before turning and making contact with the fiend in the black armour. (ATK 0 – 1500)

 

 

“What just happened?” “Well, you see my Torment will absorb any and all damage I am to take. Quite the neat ability, wouldn’t you say?” Anthony merely shrugged.

 

 

“You done, by the way?” “After this...” the hologram of a card face-down appeared in front of Anthony, who smirked. “You go.”

 

 

“Jolly good!” said Jupiter, drawing a card.

 

 

Anthony, Anthony. Don’t get so full of yourself now. You have seen nothing yet.

 

[spoiler=Cards used in chapter 2]

 

[spoiler=Jupiter]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=Anthony]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=[size=Large]Chapter 1 - A Memorial Showdown[/size]]

 

The reaping gusts subdued to the solid concrete walls of the backyard of the bar. The place was enclosed, not counting the narrow passageway that led out to the road and a curious smell of tobacco and discarded beer cans filled their nostrils. “This is a suitable place for a duel, don’t you think, Timmy?” Jupiter asked, and turned to the drunk, who swayed slightly on the spot, his unfocused eyes fixed unblinkingly back at him. “Why should I play with you, then?” he said, hiccoughing slightly.

 

 

“Because,” Jupiter started, “you have assaulted two officers, but if you cooperate, we will be able to ease your punishment.” Timmy bit his under lip and thought for some seconds. It seemed to cause him some effort. Finally, he said: “But what does this duel have to do with anything?” Jupiter merely smiled. “All will be revealed in due time.”

 

 

The three of them waited a while for Timmy to be a little more sober for the duel. All the while Jupiter and Irwin tried to lure some additional information out of him. Yet Timmy would not speak to them. It was already beginning to be dark when the officers realized they could wait no longer. Timmy, still rather clumsily, but with a higher extent of self-control, placed his duel disk on his arm and pressed a button, causing it to unfold, ready for a duel. Jupiter, however, rolled up his left sleeve, revealing a slim black duel disk attached to his wrist. Activated by voice, several blades folded out, making out the zones of Jupiter’s disk, while the number 8000 appeared on a screen. “That’s some nice equipment.” Said Timmy. Jupiter, who took high pride in his duel disk, took his time to boast slightly. It was the Assault Disk V1, with state of the art technology used

 

by undercover agents, Jupiter told him.

 

 

Jupiter: 8000

 

Timmy: 8000

 

 

“I’ll go first,” said Jupiter, adding the top card of his deck to his hand. The bottom half of his face cracked into a smile. “I activate `Kindling of Memories´!” As he said so, he inserted the card into one of the duel disk’s blades, causing its hologram to appear before the duellists. “This card, in case you’re wondering, will allow me to Special Summon a Memory Requiem monster from my deck. I choose you, `Memory Requiem – Torment´, so rise now!” A fiendish monster appeared onto the field of battle; its skin was black and its white eyes ran with bloody tears. It wore a black armor, trimmed with blades. (ATK 0) Suddenly, a white and black symbol appeared beneath the creature’s feet, causing a pillar of pulsating light to rise up for a second, before it abated. (Memory Requiem Torment: Level 1 | Level 0) Timmy frowned, looking confused. “You are wondering what is going on? My monster is a rather special card from the memory set; when they are Summoned, I can treat their card zones as Memory Zones, and all monsters in such zones have their level treated as 0. And, as an added bonus to you, if I control only Memory Zones, you can attack me directly. But now it’s time for me to use the final effect of my Memory Kindling spell; I take 500 damage for each card in my hand.” Now Timmy was positively confused, his face a mask of wonder about the opponent’s move. He had in fact gone through all the trouble of summoning a level 1 monster, and would now take 2500 damage from it… or so it seemed.

 

 

The card’s hologram burst into blue and purple flames, rising high before crashing down at its master, who smiled broadly at the infernal jet above. “I activate the effect of my Torment; while he is face-up in a Memory Zone, it will absorb any damage I would take,” At this, the eyes of his monster glowed white, and raising its arms, it seemed to suck in the very air itself, let alone the fires. The monster screamed as the fires was consumed into its body. “And,” Jupiter continued. “It will now gain an equal amount of attack points. Shame it can’t attack, though.” (ATK 0 - ATK 2500)

 

 

As Irwin observed the duel, he caught a glimpse of Timmy’s face, which seemed blank. It was after all, not the first time he had witnessed Jupiter’s hypnotic personality in action, so he settled down on a barrel and watched the Memory Requiems doing their job.

 

 

“Can you feel the memories coming out to you in your mind?” Jupiter commenced. “They’re shattered fragments of your past. My Memory Requiem cards have the ability to make you relive your past memories, and they will allow me to connect with your very mind.” “By doing what, magic?” said Timmy, still with that distant expression on his face. “No,” was the reply. “By means of psychology. Now to my point: look closely into the eyes of my monster. It represents your memories of pain and suffering, of the times when your life seemed unbearable. Hear my voice and tell me, what do you see?”

 

 

Tears streaked from Timmy’s eyes, yet his face was distant and emotionless still. He started to mumble something. His lips continued to form muted words the detectives couldn’t comprehend. Suddenly, he raised his voice a notch, so Jupiter and Irwin could catch a piece of what he was saying: “…don’t, father. I-I promise I won’t do it again…” here he made a squeak, as though he had just been punched. “…please, please…” “This is your past, Timmy. This is not happening to you. Hear my voice; it will be all right.” Said Jupiter called out to his opponent, who apparently seemed to be tortured by what he was experiencing. “This is your past.” Jupiter repeated. “It will do you no harm. What are you experiencing? Is this a period of your childhood?” Timmy twitched, as though he was being dragged back to reality. His face was swollen and wet with tears, but his facial expression was still rather distant. “Yes,” he said. “This is from my childhood. It’s the day I stole some money from my dad.” “So your dad used to abuse you?” “It was just me. He seemed to favour my older brother over me, for some reason.” Jupiter paused for a second, thinking, and then continued his turn.

 

 

“Since I haven’t Normal Summoned a monster as of yet, I think I’ll go right ahead and summon `Memory Requiem – Rage´!” At this, the holographic image of another fiend entered the fray. It was rather monstrous, with huge talons and an array of spikes about on its body. On its chest was a twisted countenance with large fangs and on its face was a malicious expression. It roared in its rage. (ATK 1700 | Level 6) “Wait...” started Timmy. “You are wondering why I can summon a Level 6 monster with no tribute? You see, while all the monsters I control are Memory Zones, this card can be normal summoned without tributing a monster first. And speaking of Memory Zones...” the light show from before repeated itself, but it was now coming from this new monster. The monster roared again when the lights faded, and this seemed to change the situation at hand slightly. (Memory Requiem – Torment: ATK 2500 - 3000. Memory Requiem | Rage: ATK 1700 - 2200) Saving Timmy the trouble of expressing his wonder about this curious incident, stated: “As long as my Memory Requiem – Rage is in a Memory Zone, all my monsters gain 500 ATK. But more of that later; what can you see in this monster?” Timmy remained untouched by the new monster. This seemed to cause Jupiter some mild interest. “I will now place 1 card face-down and end my turn.” He said. The image of a card turned face-down appeared on the field.

 

 

“Then it’s my go.” Stated Timmy, thus drawing a card from his deck. He looked at his hand, and his gaze, now sturdy, showed that he had regained most of his soberness. “I set a monster face-down.” Yet again, a holographic image appeared, but this one was placed horizontally between the duellists. “I will also place 2 cards face-down. Your go.”

 

 

“Really, that’s it?” said Jupiter, drawing his card. I will have to be cautious about the face-downs, though, Jupiter thought while observing his options. Finally he concluded, but before he had placed his next card into the duel disk, one of Timmy’s concealed cards flipped up. It was the Jar of Greed trap. “I guess you know this card lets me draw another card, right?” Jupiter gave an approving nod, Timmy drew his card, and the first completed his movement. Yet another hologram appeared. “This card is the Memory Requiem – Remorse card. It will conclude my interrogation with you.” As he said so, the visage of a new fiend rose from its card beside its master. It was clad in a robe, and stood with its back against its opponent, head bowed in shame. (ATK 1500 | Level 3) “Now I will know what I searched for, so once again I ask you; what do you see?” Timmy’s empty eyes blinked, but other than a slight twitch, no additional reaction was shown. This seemed to give Jupiter a degree of satisfaction. Smiling, the latter rushed on; “I attack your face-down monster with my Memory Requiem – Rage!” The fiendish monster opened the mouth on its chest. It emitted an intense roar, which shook the ground and made the windows nearby rattle. The attack became silent for a second, and the trap card responsible for this affair rose from the ground. “I activate the Negate Attack trap card. With this, your attack is cancelled.” Jupiter chuckled. “I don’t think so. Activate Memory Sealing!” (The trap card flipped up) “This card will, given that I control a Memory Zone, negate the activation and effect of a spell or trap card and destroy it, yet afterwards I will take 700 points of damage.” The newly activated trap card blinked in a sudden white flash, causing Timmy’s only defence against the coming attack to be shattered into pieces. These pieces were flung against Jupiter, but his Memory Requiem – Torment interfered, thus growing in strength. (ATK 3000 - 3700) Since Timmy’s blockade was now out of the way, the roar continued, quaking the garbage-littered ground. The target of said strike flipped up, revealing the “Inpachi” monster card. (DEF 1900) The defenceless monster shattered, causing its owner to shield his eyes from the shards out of reflex; a hologram doesn’t normally cause physical injury.

 

 

Jupiter: 8000

 

Timmy: 7700

 

 

“But that’s not all.” Said Jupiter casually. “Each time one of my monsters attacks and I have Memory Requiem Remorse on my side of the field, I will take 500 points of damage. But, of course my Torment will absorb all of that.” Both duellists watched as Memory Requiem – Torment began to scream once again, taking the pain from Jupiter’s other monster. (ATK 3700 - 4200) “But now for my next attack; Memory Requiem – Remorse, attack him directly!” The commanded monster rose into the air and turned to its enemy. Suddenly it swung its arms to each side, and by doing so, sent an array of golden beams that charged at Timmy, whose Life Point meter went haywire as the blow made contact.

 

 

Jupiter: 8000

 

Timmy: 5700

 

 

“And now, I will take a penalty of 500 points. Do your job, Torment.” Yet again, the tortured being became a subject to the effect of Memory Requiem – Remorse. (ATK 4200 - 4700) “That will do for attacking, but I will end this game with this card.” Jupiter held up the card he was about to use, grinning at the puzzled expression of his foe. “Activate, Memory End. This card will destroy one of my Memory Requiems, but not before it inflicts 1000 damage to you. Oh, and did I mention that when my Torment is destroyed, you take damage equal to its ATK? That sums up to 5700 damage, which is exactly what you have left. Good game.” Timmy’s eyes reflected his astonishment as this point. He watched as the monster was consumed by black flames, screaming in agony. Finally the monster was gone, making the screaming nothing but a ringing in his ears and leaving a black orb of fire in its wake. Then, just as the infernal sphere exploded, the soon-to-be loser of the game had to shield himself from the raging tempest of flames.

 

 

Jupiter: 8000

 

Timmy: 0

 

 

Both players’ duel disks deactivated and the duellists had to gather up their cards. Timmy seemed disappointed at the loss, yet perfectly fine otherwise. He had lost the vacant facial expression of his ever since the holographic images of Jupiter’s Memory Requiems had faded away as the duel ended.

 

 

Without Irwin looking, Jupiter handed Timmy a 10-dollar bill. “You got a place to stay?” he asked the shabby-clad man as his colleague opened the back-door and disappeared into the pleasant chatter. “I’ll manage,” Sounded the reply. “Take care, ok?” “Wait, don’t I have to come to the station or something?” Jupiter shook his head, smiling. “I got to know all I needed from our duel. Now take care.” The detective smiled as he watched Timmy’s figure turn the corner out to the streets, and was left to the chilly judgment of the mid-December winds.

 

 

Jupiter joined Irwin in the bar. The bartender beamed at them both. “Now, scooped up some criminal-stuff?” he chuckled. “I’m not really supposed to talk about that,” said Jupiter. “Now give me some of that fish."

 

 

[spoiler=[b]Cards used in chapter 1[/b]]

 

[spoiler=Jupiter]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=Timmy]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=[b]Meeting the Organization[/b]]

 

 

The sun had just risen and was a single crimson eye of melancholy veiled by wispy clouds. The busy morning traffic had already started, and the constant noises of the cars speeding by filled the air, making Jupiter close the windows. Even now, the noise could be heard, and raged in his ears like an annoying symphony.

 

 

Jupiter sat down on his chair and leant back, he closed his eyes for a mere second, felt the pleasant hot air from the air conditioner and was gently prickled on his chin by his own long locks… then he was abruptly drawn back to reality by a loud knocking on his door. “Come in,” he said, and the door opened, revealing Tana the secretary in the doorway, saying, “Mr. Winterbotts is here, sir Apson.” “Lovely. Let him in please.” A slightly corpulent man entered the doorway and looked around inside the tidy office. “Please sit down, Mr. Winterbotts,” Said Jupiter Apson, indicating to a seat before his desk. The man sat down, rather albeit with some difficulty, and stared at the young man. After eyeing him up and down for a while, he closed his eyes halfway in disbelief. “You’ve got to be kidding me…” he said to himself. “Pardon?” said Jupiter, who was busy making a cup of coffee for himself and his guest. “I am to leave my case in the hands of a mere teenager? Oh, and thank you,” he added, accepting the warm cup from the youth, warming his cold fingers on it. “You bet you are,” said Jupiter, settling down opposite his visitor. “What case do you have to report, Mr. Winterbotts?” Said Mr. Apson, after taking a sip of the hot liquid. Mr. Winterbotts, now to some extent accepting that an 18-year old was to work on his case, said, “Call me Frank. Well, I work in a business that supplies countries all over the world with high quality electronics, and recently I have been victim to highly organized crimes at my warehouses. I want you to figure out who does it and to make them pay from their wrongdoings.” Jupiter Apson stood up; signalizing the end of the conversation and so did Mr. Winterbotts. They shook hands, but as Frank Winterbotts approached the door, he shook his head incredulously. “It’s still hard for me to believe that I am to leave it up to a man who has barely become of age to put people up to justice.” “My good man,” said Jupiter suddenly, his voice now firm as a rock. “I am the second in command of the Omega organization, we have put people into jail daily ever since we were founded, and you think this would be any tougher for us to handle?” He tightened his tie, which was showing of a white symbol of the letter omega. “Whatever you say.” Said Frank and walked out of the office. The door closed itself and all was quiet for a while.

 

 

Now that he thought over it, it wasn’t quite silent, as there was a noise; a notoriously snoring one, and it was coming from behind the door to his left, which led to the office of the Omega Organization’s 3rd in command, Irwin Beauregarde. Smiling slightly, Jupiter opened the door to see his subordinate leaned back in his chair with both feet on the table, eyes closed and mouth wide open in his sleep. Smacking the door shut, Irwin exclaimed a little grunt and tumbled to the floor, his arms flailing madly in every direction as the fell. Rubbing the back of his head, he stood up to see who had disturbed his sleep. When he figured it was his superior who had awoken him, his face seemed to deflate, and several words that should here not be uttered seem to drain from the newly found empty expression on his face. “What was that for,” he said drowsily. “We have another case on our hands, and we must do a little research. I’ll meet you in the gathering room in 10 minutes.” Jupiter heard a slight groan as he closed the door.

 

 

Ten minutes went by and eventually, Irwin came into the room that was filled with members of Jupiter’s investigation team; the veterans, whose faces burnt with their serious glare and with scars, both visible and invisible clearly on their person. And then there were the newly recruited members, whose eyes shone with eager excitement. It was approximately 15 of them and all 15 sets of informal peepers - save for Jupiter’s own - was fixed on said person. Jupiter, seeing that they were all gathered, stood forward to speak; “Well guys, we have a new case on our hands. Apparently, Frank Winterbotts, owner of Winterbotts Corp., is having a problem with theft. His company is well known for their electronics and his warehouses are being plundered. This seems like a regular case of organized criminality, but I will ask you all to show caution, as it is unknown at the moment just how dangerous these people are. Now, to your stations, I need as much information I can get from these thieveries, and I need someone to go investigate the facilities in which wares are stolen.” There was a hastened scrambling of chairs as the members of the team stood up and left the room. The team was dealt into separate units, consisting mainly of two to three persons, and it as assured that new members was grouped with the more experienced ones. Irwin rose from his chair and consulted Jupiter, “Then what do we do?” “We will go and investigate the area and see whether we can find some witnesses.”

 

 

The wind was truly a bitter ordeal to be reckoned with now, as it punished walking-by civilians with its chilling, gusty wrath. Luckily, Jupiter and Irwin had a car, but the wind still felt like thousands of knives stinging them in the face as they got out of the car and into the local bar of the area. It was a relief to feel the hot air currents from air conditioners and the cheerful chattering of classes and the hushed jabbering of the customers. Here and there rose a merry laughter from the tables. The bar, named The Oasis was located in the center of the district Kolemos. Kolemos was a district known solely for its bars and fish export, as it lay near the coast. To many a citizen of Luduellum city, if you wanted a good meal of fish, tender and fresh from the depths of the ocean, you would go to a bar or restaurant in Kolemos, no doubt about it. Jupiter had often gone on trips to this very district, and felt that it was such a shame to be there merely on business’ errand, not for its excellent food. He and his companion settled down at the counter. The bartender was a cheerful man in his 50’s, with a round face and dimples. “What would two gentlemen such as yourself want in my bar?” he chuckled and awaited their response. But before Jupiter could answer, Irwin had ordered a Strawberry sundae. “We want information,” said Jupiter, nudging Irwin’s ribs. The bartender gave the sundae to Irwin, who gave him payment in return and then turned his attention to the superior of the two. “Information… about what may I ask?” he said, his face now showing signs of curiosity and mild interest. “We heard that some warehouses had been robbed around here.” “What are you, some kind of policemen?” he chuckled at his own words. “I guess you could call us that. But what information do you have about it then?” Behind them, a man shambled clumsily their way, and it was not until the stench of alcohol raked their nostrils that they turned around to look at this man. He was quite tall and dressed in a stained brown robe. He had greasy graying hair and a bottle in his hand. He also had a backpack on. “You took my brother from me,” he said, wobbling on the spot. His eyes were matted grey and were fixed, slightly unfocused on Jupiter’s yellow ones. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you are talking about.” The bartender, sensing trouble, said: “That is Timmy. His brother was taken by the police a couple of days before. It appears he has been robbing some houses.” “YOU TOOK MY BROTHER FROM ME!” shrieked the man, drawing everyone’s attention. He thrust the bottle at Jupiter, who with ease dodged it and started flailing madly at him with his fists. Timmy was, however, no match to two detectives trained in combat, and was forced into submission. He yelled and twisted in protest as he got handcuffs on. “You took him, and you put him in prison because he just nicked a few things from that stupid warehouse! The rich old bugger will never even miss those things!” The two detectives exchanged looks of mild surprise and helped the man on his feet. “Warehouse, you say?” said Irwin. “Yeah, so?” “We need you to tell us as much as you can about that.” “You think I would tell on my own brother?” Timmy sat down on the floor and mumbled to himself. Jupiter and Irwin had to sit down by his side to hear what he said, and they were glad they did: “Stupid brother. Now he’s got me into trouble as well. Damn him! Damn him and that stupid friend of his, Marcus!” Jupiter and Irwin exchanged looks once again, this time triumphant ones. “Who’s Marcus?” asked Irwin. The drunkard realized that he had erred, and tried to shake the detectives off him. This only resulted in him toppling over and falling rather pathetically to the floor flat on his face. As the hushed slap of flesh to wooden tiles filled the now deadly silent local, his backpack slid open and revealed a duel disk. An idea struck Jupiter’s head instantly. Irwin must have noticed the sudden flash of enlightenment in the countenance of his superior, because he started to ask: “You’re not going to…” He got his answer in the sly gaze emitted by Jupiter.

 

 

[Lord Ursus]

Could I please get at least a single comment?

 

Would appreciate more than one though.

[chrid97]

great, good, awesome.

A++++

[Max Darkness]

Very well written (possibly one or two spelling/grammar errors; will get back to you), but like all these fics, rather surreal.

It's always odd when you try to meld the real world with YGO, but we'll see how this pans out.

[Lord Ursus]

Thank you. :D

 

And thank you, Max. :D

 

Yes, it's a bit surreal, but I pardon myself by saying that the very TV Show I'm fan-ficing is surreal.

 

But, unlike the other Yu-Gi-Oh Fan-Fictions I've read, this one will have absolutely no magic at all, as to make it more unique. ;)

[Sweet Lightning]

Great work.

 

I like the characters so far, and I can't wait to see how they develop. I think it's odd when people mix real life with YGO, but I don't mind it. Excellent, flowing sentences and great choices of words, Ursus. I'm assuming there is a duel in the next chapter? Can't wait to see how that turns out. :)

[Lord Ursus]

Thank you, Sweet Lightning, and yes, a duel is intended. No further spoilers though.

 

But I can assure you that you will like it. :D

[Lord Ursus]

I am currently working on the next chapter, but due to school, I'm not sure when it'll be ready. :/

 

Hope you'll read it anyway. :D

[DARKPLANT RISING]

As far as I see, there' no YGO, but I like the concept so far.

[Lord Ursus]

Oh, believe me, Yu-Gi-Oh will come with the new chapter. ;)

 

I just wanted to introduce the main character slightly.

[Lord Ursus]

Due to school stuff coming unpredictedly, I will have to prolong the deadline for the next chapter.

 

Sorry guys.

[Dr. Cakey]

I eagerly await the part of nextness.

 

Oh, but there's one thing: make each line of dialog a new paragraph. It's much easier to read that way.

[Lord Ursus]

I have added the newest chapter, after a really unnecessarily long wait!

 

The chapter features the first (of many) duels of the fic. I will add a link to Jupiter's cards later.

 

And Dr. Cakey, this chapter is cut into smaller pieces. I didn't really see fit to cut the previous one into smaller ones, or I really didn't bother. Can't remember which at the moment.

 

Anyways, enjoy!

[Necro Pheonix]

Amazing! Wonderful in every way. You sir, would make a great author.

[Lord Ursus]

Thank you, and I intend to be one day. ;)

[Barian Warlord]

I think the first duel was to short and your main guy just seem so oped, but it might have just been he got a really good combo and the opponent was week. The writing was really good but I think your archetype is to strong they combo to well, 8,000 on his first attack is to much you need a limiter the duels won't be any fun. But again the writing was great.

[Lord Ursus]

Thank you for that opinion.

 

Timmy doesn't have a lot of money, I decided, as I created his character, so therefore, he would not be able to assemble a very powerful deck.

 

Jupiter and the Memory Requiems are indeed very powerful, but please bear in mind that most cases where you do not manage to summon out Torment, the battle becomes a nutrition battle which you are most likely going to lose if the match becomes drawn-out. I decided to use this chapter to reveal Jupiter's true duelling power.

 

I have actually tested the set in real life, so I know what I'm talking about.

 

Just follow the next chapters, and you will see that Jupiter gets slightly more difficult match-ups.

 

I'm glad you liked the writing.

[Barian Warlord]

Cool, I just didn't want you to get to into the main character that he became to great so nobody can relate to him. It looks like this could be really good.

[Lord Ursus]

Thank you.

 

I try not to make him too strong, but we'll see with the next chapters what kind of opponent he gets to face. ;)

[Lord Ursus]

Hey guys.

 

Time for an update, I reckon.

 

Would you like to review this?

 

It's Jupiter against the annoying meta deck, Lightsworns!

[Dr. Cakey]

Yessssss...kill the Lightsworns! Kill! Kill!

[Lord Ursus]

Hehe.

 

Thank you, Cakey.

 

It's time someone put a dent in that archetype.

[Lord Ursus]

I see I have over 600 views and 22 comments with this part-bump, part-informational comment.

 

I love that so many people are reading my work, but I would love to have even more people giving me feedback.

 

I am working on the next chapter, and have been doing so for some time, but real life, exams and such has really put a lot of bumps in the way of further submissions.

 

I ask you to please bear with me, the next chapter should be to your amusement.

 

I want a certain white meta-famous dragon's head on a plate, and so, apparently, does Jupiter and the MR's as well.

[Lord Ursus]

The new chapter is up!

 

Too tired at the moment to add the cards though, but I'll fix that eventually.

 

Now, comment or I'll outright stop writing this, as this is not very fun for me.

[Max Darkness]

My thoughts.

 

Chapter 1

 

My first problem is the differences between both the Jupiter of the original 'Omega Organisation' fic, and the subtle differences between what he says and what I would imagine him to say. My main gripe is that he seems to talk slightly childishly, over-explaining things. The original Jupiter seemed more malevolent (ie he was more manipulative and pushy) and thus spoke with an expected mature style. I'll try to explain:

 

“Because,” Jupiter started, “you have assaulted two officers, but if you cooperate, we will be able to ease your punishment.” <- This seems a little too explanitory and a little immature.

 

"Because," Jupiter started, "You assaulted two officers. However, if you co-operate, I'm sure I can pull some strings to reduce your sentance." <- This is more like I would expect, since it shows both intelligence and a darker edge, which the original Jupiter certainly had.

 

Now the duel. I'll explain it more when I look at Chapter 2, since I can see similar problems there. The main one is that I know you like to write in large blocks of texts, but duels are a problem if they are. If you can, split every turn into a new paragraph, since it allows the reader to keep up to speed with the action. If they accidently skip a line, they can become completely lost.

 

[spoiler=The Psychology Section]

“Can you feel the memories coming out to you in your mind?” Jupiter commenced. “They’re shattered fragments of your past. My Memory Requiem cards have the ability to make you relive your past memories, and they will allow me to connect with your very mind.” “By doing what, magic?” said Timmy, still with that distant expression on his face. “No,” was the reply. “By means of psychology. Now to my point: look closely into the eyes of my monster. It represents your memories of pain and suffering, of the times when your life seemed unbearable. Hear my voice and tell me, what do you see?”

 

I had a few problems with this. Despite the fact you've got a police officer running around with cards that read people's mind (Psychic-children's-card-games!!!), I just didn't like the way it was written. Again this is probably linked to the differences between the two versions of Jupiter, and I don't know if you want Jupiter to be more explanitory (if you do, tell me, and I'll shut up), but I found it annoying. Below is how I would have worded Jupiter's lines, given my expectations of Jupiter and his character.

 

"Can you feel your memories re-surfacing?" Jupiter commenced. "All those shattered fragments of your past. My 'Memory Requiem' cards have the ability to re-create your memories, allowing me to see into the deepest depths of your mind."

"With what, magic?" asked Timmy, still with the distant expression on his face.

"Of course not." Came the reply. "Nothing like that. Simple psychology. Now; look into my monster's eyes. 'Torment' represents all the times your life seemed unbearable, when you were consumed with pain and suffering. Listen to me: What do you see?"

 

The reason I chose this replacement is because I would imagine Jupiter enjoying the power he had over his opponent in this situation. (After all, he was pretty happy when he was able to summon 'Torment' in his opening move, and his tone when 'regretting' its inability to attack was clearly sarcastic) He is intelligent and knows it. And in this situation, I would think he would fully use the psychological advantage he has, manipulating his opponent and those around him in order to get what he wants.

 

 

 

 

Moving on, I don't think Jupiter would comfort his target, he would simply tell them that it wasn't real and leave it at that. Well done on making it an exact-0 LP finish. Got to love the obvious writing...

 

 

 

Chapter 2

 

"Beating bullying with children's trading cards!" was the first thing that jumped to mind when I read this chapter. Now, given this is the YGO world, I'll ignore that... What I did find interesting in the scene with the kids was Jupiter's actions. Firstly, he blushed when the bully referred to him as 'ponytail'. Given his mindset and actions in the previous chapter, I would have expected him simply to get a little defensive compared to outwardly embarassed. If I've got that wrong, please correct me. After that, he tells the bully he's second in command of the OmOrg. I wouldn't have seen that as needed. After all, he's simply threatening the kid with the fact he can find out where he lives. I think that is threatening enough, without referring to the organisation question IMO.

 

The duel. Do we need the number of cards in their hands? (You didn't mention it in the duel in Chapter 1) I use that as a reference when I'm planning and writing the duels in my fics, but I never leave it in since I would think you would take it as read that they had 5 cards in their hand, except if a special rule had been enforced, which you would have explained prior to the duel in question. I do like the fact you used the "Lightsworns" as the antagonist cards (that's my hatred of them coming out...). Also, 'Spell @ Trap Card Zone' should be 'Spell & Trap Card Zone'.

 

From my perspective, the way you've written the character's speech during the duel is off somewhat. Let me explain:

 

'Then I’ll active Solar Recharge! So I will have to discard 1 “Lightsworn” monster,” which he did “And then I can draw 2 cards, but I’ll have to send the top 2 cards of my deck to the graveyard. '

 

In my mind, from watching a large amount of the Japanese version of YGO, that sentance would read: (italics are slight mistakes in tense or caps)

 

'Then I'll activate Solar Recharge! By discarding 1 "Lightsworn" monster from my hand, I draw 2 cards. Then however, I have to send the top 2 cards of my Deck to the Graveyard.'

 

I'm not sure which tense it is, but they use that a lot more than the style you've used. After that, Jupiter seems to mutate into his original incarnation briefly before this line:

 

'Quite the neat ability, wouldn’t you say?' <- This is rather unexpected. I was waiting for something like 'An interesting ability, no?'. As it is, it seems a little to slang for Jupiter.

 

Now, as I was getting over that, his next line really struck me for six:

 

'Jolly good!' <- ... ... ... This sounds like something 4Kids would dub in (and I know how much of an insult that is). I mean it's completely unexpected and silly. It just doesn't work, especially given it is followed by the rather darker 'Anthony, you haven't seen anything yet.'. A better line would be something like 'Excellent', because that carries the undertones of evil you want in a situation like this. The duel is going perfectly to plan and already Jupiter's gaining a psychological advantage. He just wouldn't say something like 'Jolly good!'.

 

 

 

Chapter 3

 

The duel has the same 'problems' as the previous parts; long sections and slightly confusing tense uses.

 

'I’ll summon this one in face-up Defense Position –yes, that’s its effect- and in a Memory Zone.' <- This again, doesn't sound right compared to:

 

'Its effect allows me to both Normal Summon it in Defense Position and turn its Card Zone into a Memory Zone'. (Maybe it's just me...)

 

 

As this chapter is almost all duel, what I've written above covers most of it. I still think 'Torment' is overpowered since you've shown in both duels that if a person gets it out on their first turn, they can win without taking a single hit to their Life Points. I still think it needs to be Level 8 non-Special Summo to justify itself.