Niño Posted February 3, 2010 Report Share Posted February 3, 2010 [align=center]Characters:Haris - harharNaomi - Strawberry-Nii-Chan Lord Blue - IcyblueRio - WiiOmi[spoiler=Blurb]Haris is no ordinary boy, Haris is a lone Pirate, his original plan was to rob the wealth of Maker City, but Haris soon makes an aquaintance and friend. As Haris' new friend Naomi stands up to the police she gets knocked down, Haris challanges these Policemen to a fight, little do they know Haris posesses a special ability that no Sword can face up to, he can turn any part of his body into a lethal fire arms weapon!... Read on.. HarizVol. 1[spoiler=Chapter 1]The Pirate and Maker City As the wind blew through Haris’ hair he lay on the small shanty raft that he built, letting the breeze take him wherever it pleased. With some time passing he finally awoke, “hmn, so… I’m here, wherever here is…”. Haris strolled down the entrance of the island until he finally reached a sign post that read “Maker City” and just beyond the Horizon of that sign post was a gorgeous red sky and shafts of small but elegant buildings, Haris fluttered his eyelid as a leaf blew past and with a faint grin on his face entered on into the city. “Gahhh, hungry, so hungry” Haris whined as he walked down looking for a Café to dine in… “There must be somewhere” he continued winging. “Looking for somewhere to eat?” Haris jerked his head around only to see a young girl with red tied back hair and a huge grin on her face… “How could you tell?” Haris asked his finger scratching his head ominously, “aside from the fact you’ve been saying it all the way down this street… a hunch” “AHA! So you were stalking me?!, what’re you after, I should warn you, I know martial arts” Haris said his tone raising questionably high. “You sure are an odd one” The girl said as they sat in the Café that she so kindly directed him to after he just went through a lengthy five minute battle over who was stalking whom, which is why, readers, I instantly skipped to them being in the Café. “Mhm, call me what you like, just keep the food coming” Haris said barely making his words out as he stuffed his face with food, “anyhow, what’s your game, why are you trying to help me out” “the name is Naomi, and frankly you just looked like you needed a hand” “you’re a rare breed of person Naomi, not a lot of people like you around that would just go out there way to help a total stranger” “yeah well, someone has to round here” Naomi said with a smile. As Haris was eating away at Naomi’s money, three men entered the Café. The bell rang harshly as the door was slammed open, the first man who appeared to be the leader had slicked back hair, a French shirt with a popped open collar and a thick blue blazer, and the other two just looked like complete goons and to be frank would be completely pointless to go on describing them. “One Saki” the lead man ordered, who had what sounded like a fake French accent, “w…we don’t serve Saki, I’m ever so sorry, but this is a Café sir”. “WHAAT!, do you know who I am, I am Rio, Lieutenant of the Maker City Police force!!!, and if I order Saki I will get Saki”, “y…yes, I know who you are sir, I’m so sorry but we can’t possibly get you what we don’t have”, “then why don’t you go out and get me some, on the house” he sneered. “Why don’t you back off Rio” Naomi said standing up from her table in the far corner, Haris near to oblivious of what was going on, “oh no, it’s Naomi again, what ever are we going to do, do you think she will use her female powers to beat us to a pulp” Naomi marched up to this man by the name of “Rio” “listen here Rio, we both know that you don’t like me and I don’t like you, but you do not come into hard working Café’s and order something they don’t have…”. Rio grunted… “Shut up and learn your place woman!” in an instant Rio swung his hand full force into Naomi’s face knocking her back to where she was originally seated. Haris stopped chewing… “You know…” Haris said his mouth stuffed, “that wasn’t very polite, what you just did” “and what is one little scrawny man going to do to stop me? would you like to take it outside?” “…sure” Haris replied bluntly. Outside the Café the breeze rolled across the dusty floors and the sunlight shone on Haris’ face, “okay, you first” “this is a battle, not a duel you brat, there are no turns!” “Believe me, you want a turn…” “Okay then, an unarmed brat is supposedly going to beat me”. Rio drew a Medieval English sword from his sheath and within an instant charged toward Haris, after about half a second of running Rio completely disappeared, all of a sudden he appeared behind Haris, with an overhead lunge blood was spilt, Rio touched the ground at a safe distance after being flung back by recoil… his hand, his hand was bleeding, “but how…?” astonishment overflowed in Rio’s face, “Like I said” Haris said replying to Rio’s expression, “I know martial arts”. Okay my turn…” Haris thrusted his fist towards Rio “games up…” Haris said in a relaxed tone, the entire of Haris’ arm transformed, it took the shape of a enormous machine gun, Haris’ arm jerked, as he fired a yellow beam of light out of the gun, the beam slashed passed Rio completely cutting his shoulder open, Rio dropped to his knees, “get out of hear, or next time, I’ll aim.” Haris said not a trace of quirk in his voice. “Come on let’s get out of hear boss” Rio’s goons stammered as they rushed towards him, picking him up and supporting him by putting his arms over there shoulders “I’ll be back, and you’ll regret hurting Rio of Maker City Police force!!!” Rio screamed as they fled into the distance, “well, that’s that, stick around with me kid, I’ll look after you” Naomi said with a smile on her face, “true but didn’t I just help you?” Haris said as they strolled off into the distance. [spoiler=Chapter 2]“The Ranch” “Well, here we are” Naomi said, “What do you mean we’re here? All I see is a small island with a graphitized garage and a few swings. As Haris turned his head respecting a reply he got a full answer from Naomi’s face, “ah… this is your, this is your home isn’t it” “IDIOT!” As Haris and Naomi arrived the island by rowboat the only thing within ears shot was snickering, “look here, our beautiful Naomi has blossomed and finally got her self a boyfriend” as Haris got off the boat he looked around to see who made the remark after about several seconds of glancing around the voice said again, “down here… jeez Naomi, you didn’t get yourself the smartest of ones” Haris followed the voice back right down to exactly in front of him, a small young boy stood in front of Haris. “I’m Haru, nice to make your acquaintance fine gentleman” “cut the act Haru! He is not my boyfriend and he can’t get you into anything, he is new to the island”. “Oh this is very bad, very, very bad, Naomi, you should know better” “I know dad, but if it weren’t for my stupid behaviour Haris wouldn’t of had to fend them off for me” Haris watched blank minded as Naomi and her father debated the pros and cons of his very existence to the island, his elbow rest steadily on the rough edged table they were seated at, finally Haris said uncaring of where they were in there debate, “so… what’s up with the police around here, huh?” they both stopped and bolted there heads round the direction of Haris, “the police around these parts, are bad, very bad, they steal from the poor and they bully the weak” Naomi’s dad said. “The entire of Maker City is run by a small and very powerful man, he goes by the name of “Lord Blue” Naomi said in a hushed voice, even with no one around, as if the very name was taboo, “rumour has it that Lord Blue was obsessed with being in a position of power ever since he was a child and he would stop at nothing to get it, apparently he lives on his own remote Island vastly surrounded by water at the very edge of Maker City and the reason why it is surrounded by vast amounts of water?, it is said he can manipulate create and control water and Ice” Naomi continued “woah… freaky guy”. “Huh, what’s that? There Is something, or someone, they’re using Flash movements, that can only mean… hide Haris quickly, it’s the Police, the police” Quickly now, hurry along, Naomi’s dad pushed and shoved Haris until they reached a pile of scrap metal, “quickly now, in there” and without even an interval of a second Naomi’s father pushed Haris into the scrap of metal and darted off back toward the house. About five rough looking men appeared, as if had teleported, to the front of the garage where they were confronted by Naomi and her father, “state your business” Naomi’s dad said, his voice shaking. “We have reports that you have been hiding out a fugitive, not only did he attack one of our finest Lieutenants he is also a Pirate, Naomi’s father quaked his lip trembling trying to hold now not only the secret that he has to bare but that if he does get caught he will have been caught harbouring a Pirate fugitive. Naomi’s face, however, remained solid “there is no one here, go away” “then you won’t mind if we have a quick look around” Naomi glared, “go ahead…” all of the police split up and started aimlessly tearing there swings down and wrecking the insides of there home, after about five minutes of searching the commander shallowly said “you’re clean, move along men” and within an instant they were gone again. Haris emerged from the pile of scrap metal and bolted toward Naomi and her father “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know that…” Haris words were erased as his face met with the back of Naomi’s hand. “You idiot, you never told me you were a pirate!” “…well, yeah, you never asked” “that is the kind of thing you tell someone when you first meet them!” “Well, you didn’t tell me what you did” “well, maybe I’m unemployed” “are you?” “Well…” “Aha!” “So, what’re your names” Haris asked Naomi’s siblings as he picked up one of there fallen tyre swings, attempting to help clean up, “my name is Haru” “and mine Elena” “and I’m Chip!” “…interesting names” Haris said, “You’re a fine one to talk, what kind of a name is Haris anyway?” “It’s a warrior’s name” Haris replied with a grin. “So you’re a warrior huh? Do you own a sword?” “Well… no” “any blade at all” “no…” “So, are you really a warrior, can you even fight?” “Now that I can do” “cool, what like Martial arts?” “Yeah, I do Jeet Kune Do” “…Never heard of it” “What! Are you kidding? It was only developed by the best martial artist ever “Bruce Lee”” “Never heard of him” Haris’ face fell blank. “Well… do you want to learn it?” “Sure! Then I can fend off one of those mean policemen when they attack me” “no, when you fight, you never fight for yourself, you always fight to fend for someone else or something you care about, for instance, fending them off to protect your island or your siblings, is obviously a good one, but you are only to use it when the time is necessary and you have perfected Jeet Kune Do” “You got it boss!” Haru said with an enormous grin on his face. Sorry the chapters are so short, but this is written as if it were to be drawn as a manga.[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted February 3, 2010 Report Share Posted February 3, 2010 Hmm, being as lazy as I am, this is too complex at first glance for me to criticize right now, but your blurb is too rambly. You should make it describe the overall plot here, since it looks like the entire story series is just about this guy fighting police guys. Where's the whimsical shonen-style over the top special powers? Where's the shock factor? What's the point of reading this? You gotta TANTALIZE the reader, make'm think 'Wow that sounds cool I gots to read it'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niño Posted February 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2010 Eeh, I get where you are coming from, but I am one of the writers that comes up with the plot for the chapter in an instant as soon as one word is down on the screen, planning out the entire thing isn't my style, but I get where you're coming from and I will try to make it more captivating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niño Posted February 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2010 El oh El, fixed that problem as best as I could, bump, read, even if its only a paragraph, CnC like this was Showcase biatches!!!... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JG. Posted February 5, 2010 Report Share Posted February 5, 2010 Looks sexay. I want in >=3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Womi Posted February 5, 2010 Report Share Posted February 5, 2010 Lol, I'm the bad guy! \^o^/Reminding me of Helmeppo. xDWhat an honour. (Y) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niño Posted February 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2010 And you shall get in JG-Dono ;D xD lolOmi, I'm glad you find it an honour ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♥ ЅϯᵲåώӀӞ℮ᴙʀɣ−ɴɨɨ−ƈħåɴ ♥ Posted February 7, 2010 Report Share Posted February 7, 2010 *facecake* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niño Posted February 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2010 Shush Nii-Chan, you love it really. ;D You're giving me bad fedback to a good story. ;] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niño Posted February 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2010 Come on b*tches, I know it's long and I'm new, but I would like some positive and negative feed back on the actual book please. ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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