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Words of suspect Wisdom

The Amazing Avian

By The Amazing Avian
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Guest Random Dude

Guest Random Dude

Posted
Posted

My cousin showed me this and I thought it was funny enough to make a thread about:

 

 

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets

angry, he'll be a mile away-and barefoot.

 

 

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

 

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

 

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

before.

 

 

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

 

 

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

 

 

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

 

 

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

 

 

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

 

 

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

 

If you look like your passport picture-you probably need the trip.

 

 

Always yield to temptation-because it may not pass your way again.

 

 

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

 

 

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 

 

Eat well-stay fit-die anyway.

 

 

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

 

 

A balanced diet is a (chocolate) cookie in each hand.

 

 

Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of hips change places.

 

 

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

 

 

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

 

 

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

 

 

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

 

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage

makes you a mechanic.

 

 

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

 

 

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

 

 

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the

bathroom.

 

 

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to

be amused.

 

 

The first thing to know about a survival situation. Is not get into a survival situation.

D. Guthrie

 

The Lottery is a tax on idiots. Or on people who can't do math.

 

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the

second day you're off it.

- Jackie Gleason

 

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking

five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know

where the hell she is.

- Ellen DeGeneris

 

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

- Carol Leifer

 

I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here

in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember.

- Shecky Greene

 

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could.

It's like having a little pet for your face.

- Anita Wise

 

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for

marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

- Rita Rudner

 

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not

be caught dead in otherwise.

- Roger Simon

 

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do

nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

- Fred Allen

 

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.

- Ronnie Corbett

 

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a

bank robbery has just taken place.

- Johnny Carson

 

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,

and anyone going faster than you is a moron.

- George Carlin

 

Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial

service called Jump-In-The-Box.

- Wil Shriner

 

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long

enough to get money from it.

- Stephen Leacock

 

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt; donate it to the

Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger and

next morning you can buy it back for seventy-five cents.

- William Coronel

 

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore

helmets.

- Dave Edison

 

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many

lawyers?

- Calvin Trillin

 

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

 

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

 

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

 

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

 

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

 

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

 

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming in terror like

he passengers in his car.

 

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

 

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

 

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

 

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

 

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

 

Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

 

Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?

 

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

 

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

 

Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !

 

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

 

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

 

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

 

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

 

He/She who laughs last thinks slowest

 

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

 

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

 

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

 

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

 

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

 

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

 

i souport publik edekasion

 

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.

 

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

 

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

 

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

 

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

 

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

 

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

 

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

 

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

 

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't

 

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.

 

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June flower.

 

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,

 

hen used against you.

 

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

 

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

 

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

 

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

 

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

 

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

 

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

 

I don't try to achieve immortality through my work, I try to achieve it by not dying.

 

Bills, bills, bills, I feel like a pelican, everywhere I turn there's an enormous bill in front of me.

 

 

And no I did not come up with this. + rep for whoever gets the reference in the second spoiler in quotation marks.

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Guest Random Dude

Guest Random Dude

Posted
Posted

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore

helmets.

 

These are my favorites

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