Spaceon, The new Eevee (pokemon)

[Grunt Issun]

This is a fanfic about an idea i had a while ago for a splice, spaceon. I thought of a good stroy for it so, enjoy

 

[spoiler=chapter 1: We join our hero...]

"Its finnaly here...The day I become....A POKEMON TRAINER!!!" Jake said to himself as he got ready to see professer Elm and get his first pokemon. Jake unlike most trainers, waited till he was 12, to get his first pokemon, he wanted to know he was ready. "Ok, gotta get to the lab, get my pokemon, and set out to my first gym." Jake said, as he was walking down the stairs. "Hey mom im going to get my pokemon now" Jake told his mom who was watching the TV "Ok, stay out of trouble" She said, not even looking back from the TV. Jake walked out the door. As he walked twords the lab, he noticed his friend, Baylee. "Hey, Baylee" Jake hollered to her. "Oh hi, Jake, I just got my first pokemon," Baylee told Jake. Baylee was a very energetic girl, she wore very vibrant colors, had long, black hair, and had flowers in her hair. "Oh really what did you get?" Jake asked her. "Chikorita" Baylee answered cheerfully. "How fitting," Jake mumbled. "Are you going to get your pokemon today?" Baylee asked. "Yeah, And I know just who to pick" Jake answered. "Im pretty sure I already know to" Baylee told him, but Jake was already storming off twords the lab. "He is always in such a rush..." Baylee sighed. Jake burst through the doors "Im here" Jake said panting. "Ahh good" Prof. Elm said as he looked at Jake. "So your finnaly here to get your pokemon." Prof. Elm said. "Yeah, so where are they?" Jake asked. "Right here," Elm answered and brought out a tray with 2 pokeballs. "ahh here we go" Jake said as he picked a pokeball up. "Ahh, so she was right." Elm noticed. "Who was right?" Jake asked. "Baylee, she knew which pokemon you would choose from the begining." Elm answered. "WHAT!?!?! Am I really that predictible?" Jake asked. "Ummm" Elm said slowly. "Whatever" Jake said as he left. As soon as he got out, Baylee was waiting for him. "Hi." She said cheerfully. "Oh, hi bay." Jake said. "So you wanna battle?" She asked. "umm...I dont kn-" Jake started saying but Baylee cut him off "GO CHIKORITA!!!" Baylee shouted and threw the pokeball, sending out Chikorita. "Chika!" The little pokemon cheered. "I dont have time for this, I gotta go." Jake said impatiantly, and ran off. "HEY YOU GET BACK HERE, YOU OWE ME A BATTLE!!!" Baylee started shouting. "ahh whats the use, he's so stuborn." Baylee sighed "Chiko" Chikorita sighed with her. "Wait a minute, I know" Baylee jumped. "Come on Chikorita, were folowing him" Baylee told her pokemon "Chikorita" Chikorita smiled. Baylee and chikorita hopped in a tree on the path that Jake was taking. They hopped from tree, to tree, following him. Occasionaly, Jake looked up suspiciously, but saw nothing. Then there was a GIANT flash of blackness in the city ahead. "WAAH!!" Baylee screamed as she fell out of the tree. "OW!" she said as she landed on the ground, on her bottom. "Baylee?" Jake said Were you following me?" Jake asked. Blushing, Baylee admited she was following him. "BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU DIDNT BATTLE ME!!" she shouted at him "So dont get the wrong idea." she told him. "Alright I'll battle you. but as soon as thats over, I need to see what that explosion was" Jake said

 

Next time: Baylee, and Jake duke it out with there starter pokemon, and Jake goes to invesigate the explosion, little does he know a dark force is lurking behind it, a VERY dark force, tune in next time to SPACEON!!! THE NEW EEVEE!!!!

 

 

 

[spoiler=charecter APP]

We constantly need new charecters here at Spaceon. So if you just fill out this app, youll probably get accepted

 

Name

Age

Gender

Bio

Apperance(NO PICTURES)

occupation(if any)

pokemon(6 MAX)

 

 

[Twig]

I'm sorry, but this FF isn't good. I would review it, but I don't want to steal Crab's thunder.

 

I'm just going to say some things.

 

Problems

1. Wall of text.

2. Dialogue should be in different paragraphs.

3. Spelling.

4. Grammar

5. Cliched- Kid wakes up, gets Pokemon, mom doesn't care, kid goes on an adventure.

[Weather Report - Stand]

I agree with Twig. On another note, though...

 

I thought the forum was for YUGIOH fan fiction!! What's with everyone posting all this pokemon, naruto, video games ect. stories?! Can't you all just read the label?!?!

 

Okay, now I'm serious again. Two reasons I was instantly turned off of the story:

1. Overly cliched.

 

Why does everybody always have to do something with an eevee?! They suck in battle, they just look okay! Have you even TRIED using a competitive eevee?! They fail! AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGH!! Alright, now hoping that you will disregard that last paragraph...

 

2. MAKE PARAGRAAAAAAAPHS.

 

It hurts to try to read a story in the shape of a cube! Fix it, or NOBODY will want to read this (scratch that; FEW people will want to). And so, those are my two cents.

[Grunt Issun]

Yeah yeah im new at this, but im used to the critism Overly cliched blah blah, parablahgraphs, blah blah eevees suck blah. Well get used to the Eevee and cliche, probably the spelling and gramer to, dont like it, dont read the rest. thank you for listening, and not caring.

[bury the year]

YGO Fanfiction is a misnomer, Weather Report, but Pizza doesn't want to change it for reasons I don't fully comprehend.

 

Anyways, there's really nothing else to be said about this Foe Fic. Text blocks are an eyesore, generic disregard for spelling and grammar, overall genericness, blah blah blah.

[Clair]

*opens spoiler*

 

*seizures*

 

Phew.

 

Space out your paragraphs.

Check spelling and grammar.

DON'T USE THE CAPS SO MUCH.

 

Did you write this out in YCM or something? >_>

[viserdragon]

*

*opens spoiler*

 

*seizures*

 

Phew.

 

Space out your paragraphs.

Check spelling and grammar.

DON'T USE THE CAPS SO MUCH.

:)Don't worry i got did alot worse when i frist posted my story.If you don't belive me check out my old story post then:ohttp://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-192270.html Check out how much Twig and Gamesmaster made fun of my story:lol:,but i fix it a little in the long run.

[Grunt Issun]

Actually it wasnt supposed to be a fan-fic, i made it in notepad as a little story for my friends. but i decided to directly post it here.

[CrabHelmet]

The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud.

 

Unfortunately, that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

When ~Wynn~ linked me here to review this, he warned me in advance that this story was a single wall of text without any paragraph breaks, and that it was plagued by spelling and grammar errors and numerous clichés. "Why," you might ask, "would ~Wynn~ link someone as devilishly beautiful as Crab Helmet here knowing about these errors instead of just fixing these problems directly when he knew they existed and could have solved many of them with a few line breaks and a run through MSWord's spellchecker? Because ~Wynn~ is a moron who cares so little about his story that he's not even willing to do that much.

 

When I grade my sixth-grade English students' final drafts, I normally deduct one point for each spelling mistake. It is vital that students proofread their papers in order to correct their own spelling. In this instance, I shall generously start ~Wynn~ off with a perfect score and will deduct no points for grammar or anything else; I shall only deal with spelling. We shall see what grade this student can earn under these unusually generous circumstances; it begins at 100%.

 

Let's begin.

 

chapter 1: We join our hero...

 

"Its

 

-1. 99%.

 

"Its finnaly

 

-1. 98%.

 

"Its finnaly here

 

PERFORMING FOR YOU

 

...The day I become....A POKEMON TRAINER!!!" Jake said to himself

 

We're not even finished the first sentence and we already have a character talking to himself out loud for no reason other than to allow the audience to hear his words and thus give them information that could have been provided in a far more sensible fashion if ~Wynn~ had remembered that a verbal story can reveal characters' thoughts far more easily than an audiovisual story in which we only know what an actual camera sees and hears.

 

And no, I won't deduct points for not capitalizing and failing to include the accent mark in Pokémon. I'm a generous Professor.

 

as he got ready to see professer

 

This is tantamount to misspelling my name. -1. 97%.

 

Elm and get his first pokemon. Jake unlike most trainers, waited till

 

-1. 96%.

 

he was 12, to get his first pokemon, he wanted to know he was ready.

 

I love how this sentence has countless commas thrown in at random places and yet it still somehow manages to miss a spot - between "Jake" and "unlike" - where a comma is necessary.

 

I'm pretty sure this is supposed to indicate to us that Jake is a mature and sensible person who doesn't rush into things unprepared like all those silly ten-year-olds. Instead, what it indicates to us is that Jake is either stupid or a coward, waiting two whole extra years before being willing and able what everyone else in this entire universe does when they're ten years old. That's like someone in our universe taking a two-year break doing nothing after elementary school before finally deciding that they're ready to start middle school or junior high school. It's not something admirable; it makes Jake look retarded.

 

"Ok, gotta get to the lab, get my pokemon, and set out to my first gym."

 

When I started my successful quest to become the greatest Pokémon trainer in history, the first thing I did was run off to fight in a gym without wasting time with things like training. Brock fell in love with me and just gave me the badge without a fight!

 

It's especially bad because we were just told that Jake has waited two extra years to become a trainer because he wasn't sure that he was ready. But now, before he's even received his first Pokémon, he's decided that the very first thing he will do as a trainer is run off to challenge a Gym Leader. That's right: He wasn't willing to do for two years what everyone else in the world does at age ten, but he's still certain that he'll be fine immediately challenging a Gym Leader as soon as he starts his quest.

 

Jake said, as he was walking down the stairs.

 

See, this is why I don't care about strangers. They're all weird people who talk to themselves for no reason.

 

"Hey mom im

 

-1. 95%.

 

going to get my pokemon now" Jake told his mom who was watching the TV "Ok,

 

-1. 94%.

 

stay out of trouble" She said, not even looking back from the TV.

 

Her retarded son is finally embarking on a globe-trotting quest, and she barely even notices.

 

Maybe Jake's stupidity was caused by a lack of appropriate social contact due to parental neglect.

 

Jake walked out the door.

 

This sentence sucks.

 

It may seem odd for me to complain about this sentence, of all things. After all, its spelling and grammar are perfect. It's something that it makes perfect sense for the character to be doing - in fact, it's something that the character absolutely has to do. It's not redundant, since we haven't been told that he walked out the door before, and this isn't the sort of thing to which Show, Don't Tell applies. So what could I possibly be objecting to here?

 

It's a pointless sentence and what it says isn't interesting.

 

The sentence stands alone as a simple sentence that doesn't tell us anything worth knowing. We didn't come here to read the epic tale of Jake The Guy Who Walks Through Doors; we came here to read the epic tale of Jake The Pokémon Master and "Spaceon, The new Eevee". This sentence isn't interesting and tells us nothing worth knowing.

 

I'd accept a comment that he's walking out the door if it were part of a larger sentence that actually served to develop the plot, or the setting, or the characters, or anything else, and I'd accept a sentence saying that he's walking out the door if the circumstances surrounding him walking through the door made it more relevant, like if the door were a magic portal to another dimension or if he were being chased by an enraged Scyther; however, as it is the entire sentence has no real value to us.

 

If you do feel the need to give such precise detail characters' mundane actions, don't do so through short sentences that tell us nothing worth knowing; include it as part of a longer sentence where the rest of the sentence is interesting.

 

As he walked twords

 

-1. 93%.

 

the lab, he noticed his friend, Baylee. "Hey, Baylee" Jake hollered to her. "Oh hi, Jake, I just got my first pokemon," Baylee told Jake.

 

I wonder if Baylee is another Slowpoke who waited two extra years.

 

Baylee was a very energetic girl,

 

We haven't seen any evidence of this so far - in fact, the way the line "'Oh hi, Jake, I just got my first pokemon,' Baylee told Jake." is written doesn't make her sound energetic at all - but we're still forced to accept it as truth because the narrator has handed it down from on high. Seriously, people, Showing is infinitely better than Telling in the same way that a dinner consisting of steak and mashed potatoes are infinitely better than a dinner consisting of mud. (Vegetarians, I don't want to hear it.)

 

she wore very vibrant colors, had long, black hair, and had flowers in her hair.

 

As you can tell, the truth is that I'm actually Baylee.

 

"Oh really what did you get?" Jake asked her. "Chikorita" Baylee answered cheerfully.

 

You can tell that she's energetic by the way she only speaks when directly addressed and only provides strict factual answers to questions with no further elaboration.

 

"How fitting," Jake mumbled.

 

YOU FIGHT LIKE A COW

 

"Are you going to get your pokemon today?" Baylee asked. "Yeah, And I know just who to pick" Jake answered.

 

What, no -1?

 

Where's the spelling mistake?

 

The "m" at the end of "whom" was dropped.

 

That's a grammar mistake. He used the wrong word.

 

It could be seen as a misspelling of the right word.

 

Come on, ~Wynn~ is doing badly enough already. Besides, the necessity of "whom" in the English language is a controversial issue disputed among academics, with the use of "who" as an object becoming increasingly accepted in-

 

"Im

 

...but that right there actually is a misspelling. -1. 92%.

 

pretty sure I already know to"

 

And so's that. -1. 91%.

 

Baylee told him, but Jake was already storming off

 

"Storming off"? Why on earth is he "storming off"? He's just been briefly chatting with his friend before embarking on his world-spanning adventure, and his friend didn't say anything that should upset pretty much anyone.

 

No even I would be unhappy with that.

 

So why is he "storming off"? Is he so petty that he's angry about Baylee getting her Pokémon before he did, despite her apparently not taking the one that he wanted and him voluntarily starting two years late anyhow?

 

twords

 

And that too. -1. 90%.

 

the lab. "He is always in such a rush..." Baylee sighed.

 

The allegedly-energetic girl is complaining about him being in a rush? Really?

 

When bad writers decide to Tell instead of Showing, the fact that they're just stating things to be aspects of a character instead of proving them to be aspects of the character often leads them to forget that they actually made those things aspects of the character, producing scenarios like these where the explicit statements of "fact" are contradicted.

 

Jake burst through the doors "Im

 

-1. 89%.

 

here" Jake said panting.

 

Why is he panting? Does ~Wynn~ think "stormed off" means "ran off"? It... doesn't. At all.

 

"Ahh good" Prof. Elm said as he looked at Jake. "So your

 

-1. 88%.

 

finnaly

 

-1. 87%.

 

Someday, I'll do a review that consists of nothing but me interjecting the word "PROOFREADING" after every spelling mistake. This isn't even the worst spelling and grammar I've seen in a Foe Fic, and The Professor Young Boy's interruptions are still incredibly annoying in their frequency. Seriously, people, proofread your stupid stories! And if you're too thick to do that, at least take the thirty seconds to run an MSWord spellcheck to remove some of the more egregious errors. If you can't do that, then don't write the fanfic! You're not good at it! You're too lazy to do it! You're too stupid to do it! You can't do it properly at all!

 

"So your finnaly here

 

PERFORMING FOR YOU

 

If my jokes are repetitive, it's because the awful writing they're responding to is also repetitive.

 

to get your pokemon." Prof. Elm said. "Yeah, so where are they?" Jake asked. "Right here," Elm answered and brought out a tray with 2

 

Oh, come on! The word "two" is three 3 letters long! It would have taken you a tenth 1/10 1 10th of a second to type the two 2 extra characters, and it would have stopped the sentence from looking so awful. If that's too much effort for you, stop posting your terrible stories. In fact, stop writing your terrible stories.

 

pokeballs. "ahh here we go" Jake said as he picked a pokeball up. "Ahh, so she was right." Elm noticed. "Who was right?" Jake asked. "Baylee,

 

I'm always right!

 

Anten, you're not Baylee.

 

We're both absolutely perfect female characters who are full of love, energy, and skill. We are the same!

 

she knew which pokemon you would choose from the begining." Elm answered.

 

I'm picturing Baylee as some sort of manipulative chessmaster, sitting with her white-gloved hands folded in front of her mouth and wearing shiny orange glasses, then taking potato chips and eating them before announcing that she knew not only which Pokémon Jake would choose but also that the only ones who can kill are those who are prepared to be killed.

 

"WHAT!?!?! Am I really that predictible?"

 

-1. 86%.

 

I love how we're told that everyone knew which Pokémon Jake would choose because it's that obvious, but we really have no clue which it is. That goes a long way to highlight how poorly Jake has been characterized here.

 

Jake asked. "Ummm" Elm said slowly. "Whatever" Jake said as he left.

 

Note to aspiring comedic writers: "Ummm" and "Whatever" are not jokes.

 

As soon as he got out, Baylee was waiting for him.

 

She knew he would walk out of the laboratory by the front door instead of sneaking out via the sewers. She really is a chessmaster.

 

"Hi." She said cheerfully. "Oh, hi bay." Jake said. "So you wanna battle?" She asked.

 

This is even worse dialogue than an ordinary, stereotypically-bad Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic. Even those don't usually fall as low as "Hi", "Hi", "Battle", though they do come close.

 

"umm...I dont

 

-1. 85%.

 

kn-" Jake started saying but Baylee cut him off "GO CHIKORITA!!!" Baylee shouted and threw the pokeball, sending out Chikorita. "Chika!" The little pokemon cheered. "I dont

 

-1. 84%.

 

have time for this, I gotta go." Jake said impatiantly, and ran off.

 

-1. 83%.

 

We were told back in the very second sentence of the story that Jake waited two whole years longer than necessary to be absolutely certain that he would be completely ready to do what every ten-year-old in the world does. Ever since then, however, he's been ridiculously impatient, has been criticized for being in too much of a rush by a supposedly-energetic girl, and is now actively avoiding five minutes of actual training with a friend because he can't afford to lose a whole five minutes (despite previously sacrificing two years) because he wants to run off and fight a Gym Leader without ever letting his unspecified Pokémon out beforehand or doing any training whatsoever to actually become ready for the gym.

 

I have recently been advised by my lawyers that it's against the rules to call people idiots for writing idiotically bad fanfics that only an idiot would be stupid enough to write so badly. Because of that, I'm just going to say that this makes it clear that ~Wynn~ is a LLAMA LLAMA CHEESECAKE LLAMA TABLET BRICK POTATO LLAMA.

 

"HEY YOU GET BACK HERE, YOU OWE ME A BATTLE!!!" Baylee started shouting.

 

Misty: "At least he doesn't owe you a bike, unlike some people."

Ash: *runs*

 

"ahh whats the use, he's so stuborn."

 

-1. 82%.

 

Baylee sighed "Chiko" Chikorita sighed with her. "Wait a minute, I know" Baylee jumped.

 

I always have a plan because I'm the best!

 

"Come on Chikorita, were folowing

 

-1. 81%.

 

him" Baylee told her pokemon "Chikorita" Chikorita smiled. Baylee and chikorita hopped in a tree on the path that Jake was taking. They hopped from tree, to tree, following him.

 

I seriously can't imagine this being faster or less noisy than running, but it's happened occasionally in the anime, so I'll let it slide.

 

Occasionaly,

 

-1. 80%.

 

Jake looked up suspiciously, but saw nothing. Then there was a GIANT flash of blackness in the city ahead.

 

A flash of... blackness? How exactly does that work?

 

"WAAH!!" Baylee screamed as she fell out of the tree. "OW!" she said as she landed on the ground, on her bottom.

 

That never happened. That couldn't possibly happen to me!"

 

It's a mildly good thing that scream wasn't described as "girlish". That would have very slightly displeased me.

 

"Baylee?" Jake said Were you following me?" Jake asked.

 

Jake is a genius.

 

Blushing, Baylee admited

 

-1. 79%.

 

she was following him. "BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU DIDNT

 

-1. 78%.

 

BATTLE ME!!" she shouted at him "So dont

 

-1. 77%.

 

get the wrong idea." she told him.

 

Blushing? "Don't dont get the wrong idea"? Don't tell me Baylee's going to be a generic tsundere.

 

"Alright I'll battle you. but as soon as thats

 

-1. 76%.

 

over, I need to see what that explosion was" Jake said

 

Jake has a choice between having a friendly battle with his friend or finding out why an entire city apparently just exploded and potentially lending medical help to the untold numbers of people he doesn't know who were injured in the mysterious explosion. He clearly makes the correct choice. I like this guy.

 

Next time: Baylee, and Jake duke it out with there starter pokemon, and Jake goes to invesigate

 

-1. 75%.

 

the explosion, little does he know a dark force is lurking behind it, a VERY dark force,

 

There was a giant flash of pure darkness (somehow). Of course there's a dark force behind it. This isn't that complicated.

 

tune in next time to SPACEON!!! THE NEW EEVEE!!!!

 

OR DON'T!!!!

 

Before I give my final conclusion, The Professor Young Boy, what grade has ~Wynn~ earned?

 

75%. There were twenty-five spelling mistakes.

 

And that's a C, right?

 

I use a seven-point scale, so it's actually a D.

 

I see. And this was a more forgiving version of grading than you normally use on your sixth-grade students?

 

Yes. I was using a base grade of 100%, on the assumption that everything else in the story was absolutely perfect.

 

And it wasn't. Oh, no, it definitely wasn't. The grammar was actually worse than the spelling, the characters would have been unlikable had the characterization not been too laughably inconsistent for there to be anything solid to dislike, paragraph breaks were non-existent, the plot was a completely generic "I STARTS MAH POKEYMAN JORNEY" affair, with the only deviations (like the twelve-years-old thing) making the story worse.

 

The worst part is that ~Wynn~ knew a lot of these problems existed in advance. Did he decide to fix them? Did he think making obvious improvements to his story would be a good idea? Oh, no. Of course not. Instead, he called me in to tell him what was wrong with his story when he already knew several things that were wrong with it that could easily have been rectified - not everything wrong with it, of course, since he clearly didn't have a clue why things like the two-year-delay-thing were stupid, but a lot of obvious things - because he's an idiot. (DEAR LAWYERS: What makes you idiots think I care about the rules?)