The Forsaken God [Chapter 4 added]

[Umbra]

“I'm Jean Morel. Last defender of justice.”

 

Dun dun DUUUUUUNN!

 

Wow' date=' you've managed to go three chapters without a duel. That's impressive...I don't think I could manage that.

[/quote']

 

If I ever go along with my plans to have a pair of side-characters that break the fourth wall, I will use that line. (To long-term readers of mine: Yes, this is the Elemental Sages all over again, except with different people and less plot-exposition.)

 

I could probably go on for more than three chapters without a duel, but with the Exam actually happening I couldn't put it off further. (In an earlier, un-posted version of the chapter, Jean was actually able to keep focus and go ahead to Lucien instead, delaying the card games.)

[bury the year]

“I'm Jean Morel. Last defender of justice.”

 

Dun dun DUUUUUUNN!

 

Wow' date=' you've managed to go three chapters without a duel. That's impressive...I don't think I could manage that.

[/quote']

 

If I ever go along with my plans to have a pair of side-characters that break the fourth wall, I will use that line. (To long-term readers of mine: Yes, this is the Elemental Sages all over again, except with different people and less plot-exposition.)

 

I could probably go on for more than three chapters without a duel, but with the Exam actually happening I couldn't put it off further. (In an earlier, un-posted version of the chapter, Jean was actually able to keep focus and go ahead to Lucien instead, delaying the card games.)

 

I bet you could go on for at least another chapter. A duel-less dueling fic is rather interesting, and you've played it out well. My only advice is to double-space between paragraphs; it makes it easier to read. :3

[Umbra]

Double-spacing, done and done. I'll keep doing that from now on, it looks much better.

 

I had considered going on for another chapter - or half a chapter - without a duel, but Jean vs Mark will kick off somewhen early in Chapter Four.

[Guest Ixigo]

This chapter brought on some nostalgia from the early days, when you were writing Inheritance, and of course Legacy of the Tormentor. I've missed your writing style.

 

My one note would be that right now the antithesis is being set too forcefully. The whole thing with the auras and the chills just seems set up to nudge the readers to "hate the right guys". I wonder if you'll end up inverting the whole thing to some extent, but right now it strikes as a bit blatant.

 

I'm already loving Beatrice, and she hasn't even made an appearance yet. I look forward to what exactly she'll be up to.

 

So far, so good. It's a nod back to the olden days and yet also brings something fresh to the table. I approve.

[Umbra]

I've missed writing. This is one of the few stories I think I'll actually be able to finish, eventually.

 

I've planned for the auras to be less one-sided than they are now. Without revealing too much, I will say that the villains will be villains, and the heroes will be heroes, but their auras may not add up with their side.

 

I can agree that the conflict is a bit blatant so far, but I wanted to set up the Mark-Jean-Lucien triangle (no Rule 34, please.) of rivalry and thought this to be a good time.

 

I can't promise that Beatrice will be as extreme as she is in Consideration - which is now added to the first post (and may be subject to a revision, at least chapters 1a-1b) - but I will try to make her enjoyable. Oh, and her color was intentional.

 

I'm glad to hear you like it.

[Guest Star]

Star Search

 

I’m actually going to review this like line by line rather than read it first, so I can review it a bit better. I’ll do the same for all three parts.

 

[spoiler=Episode 1]"Aren't we there yet?"

 

Mark Hammond, who had by now been on the bus for a steady two hours, was bored. As they had come closer and closer to Waterfront, the terrain had flattened out until there was nothing but fields of crops stretching out on both sides of the road. Far away to their right was some sort of mountainous hill, and nestled in the higher regions were a large complex of buildings.

 

Solid description. That’s always been one of your strongest points, and no exception here.

 

It matched the description of Hawthorne Duel Academy he'd been given, and it had been his sole point of interest for the five or ten minutes that had passed since it first appeared.

 

It’s cool, because I can actually sit here and picture this kid on the bus, looking out at all of this with excitement although it was me doing it. You really have a way with wording things.

 

Earlier that morning, he and all the other applicants - about fifty in total - from the region had been rounded up and put on a bus to Duel Academy's entrance exams. Mark thought it strange that the exams were still held, as it either put a very high standard on the examiners or on the students themselves - something Duel Academy wasn't known for.

 

I’m a bit confused by this part. Is he implying that he thinks the exams aren’t necessary, and that everyone should get a chance to enter, or is there something I’m not getting?

 

The boy next to him, who he had only known by face up to this very moment and still intended to, had been staring at the passing countryside ever since they left; as he heard Mark's question, he lit up.

 

I’m expecting this kid to become an essential part of the story. A close friend, maybe?

 

"We've been traveling at about sixty miles per hour for two hours and thirteen minutes; if we keep this speed, it should take no longer than ten minutes."

 

That didn’t seem like a question, though.

 

Mark slowly turned towards the boy, eyeballing him more carefully. The overly informative boy had short, black-brownish hair and small, wide-apart bright green eyes.

 

Again, you manage to cram so much description into such small amounts of writing. Brilliant.

 

In his mind, Mark called him Dave.

 

I would’ve gone with a “Colin”, but I suppose Dave works too.

 

Dave wore glasses, which after the lecture he'd given made Mark understand why.

 

Stereotyping at its finest!

 

He shrugged; Dave was of no importance.

 

Sure he wasn’t.

 

He was probably one of those theorycrafters who build their decks from numbers only, the kind that emphasized speed over personal liking. Sure, their decks worked and did well at the tournaments, but they would never reach the top. They lacked that special feeling, the one embedded deep within any real duelist. Some call it "a duelist's heart"; Mark called it wisdom.

 

Totally, just ask Yugi. Remember that duel where he…oh, nevermind.

 

"Could've just told me, weirdo. I didn't ask for a calculation."

 

From my point of view, he didn’t ask for anything. I have a feeling you left a question out somewhere.

 

Dave blushed and returned to watching the field they were currently driving through. From the seats on the other side of the bus, Mark heard someone rising to their feet. As he turned his gaze, he saw yet another boy. This one looked a bit more like himself, though. His hair was platinum blonde, in contrast to Mark's own pitch-black, but both of them had thin features and brown eyes. He looked about sixteen, one year younger than Mark himself.

 

Another important character.

 

”Don't you dare talk down on him in my presence, kid.”

 

See, we’re moments away from Mark becoming friends with both Colin and the boy with Platinum hair. I can just tell.

 

For some reason, Mark hadn't noticed the duel disk attached to the boy's arm. Mark smiled. He wanted to shut him up with a duel, on a moving bus? He too got to his feet; his duel disk was still in the bag in the overhead compartment.

“Who are you calling a kid, Whitey? Mind your own business, or you'll get in trouble.”

 

Whitey! Now there’s an insult!

 

To Mark's surprise, the white-haired boy shook his head.

“This is my business, kid. I'm not going to stand aside and watch you bully him.”

 

Mark was genuinely awestruck by this guy. To think that people like him still existed... Mark decided to play along.

 

I already like Mark’s character. Not sure if you’re into Naruto, but he has a “Sasuke” like persona to him, in that he’s going to be the hero while – at the same time – not wanting to be. If that makes any sense at all.

 

“What's the matter with you? You don't have a reason to help him!”

There. The taunt was placed, and Dye-Job walked right into it.

“Do I need a reason to stand up for justice? Can one only fight for someone they know, can one only assist their closest friends? I've never seen him before, and from what I can tell neither have you. Yet, you believe you have a reason to bully him. I challenge you to a duel!”

 

Mark’s going to lose this duel, if it happens.

 

His words confirmed what Mark had suspected; this kid was insane. From behind the white-haired guy, he heard a sigh and smiled. Whoever it was that sat next to him was obviously just as fed up with this as he was. Then again, he had been officially challenged; backing down wasn't an option.

“Fine. I accept your challenge.”

He turned around and was about to open the compartment when the bus suddenly stopped in place.

 

 

Mark almost lost his footing, and Dave, too focused on what was going on next to him, slammed head first into the seat in front of him and would spend the next few minutes adjusting his glasses.

 

Dave really seems like that kid that no one likes, but will eventually end up becoming friends with everybody. Like Cyrus, from GX.

 

The others, who had been chatting and comparing their decks, grew silent. The bus driver, a short but staggeringly over-weight man, climbed out of the driver's seat and walked toward them with slow, dramatic steps. You could have heard a pin drop as he came to a halt between Mark's and the white-haired boy's seats.

 

Again, fantastic description! I can really picture all of this going on in my head, and it’s just so well-worded. This is why I regard you as the best.

 

“Didn't your councilor tell you when you got your tickets? Rule number one. No duels or attempted duels on the bus, ever. No first strike, no final warning. I can't concentrate with your Disks up and running. You two,” he nodded at Mark and the white-haired boy, “we're still about ten miles from Waterfront and the Academy exams. Unless you want to walk there, you keep still and keep your mouths shut. Understood?”

 

Mark sighed. Of course, the lunatic had to get him in trouble before they even got to the exams. He nodded, and soon after the white-haired boy did so as well. The bus driver smiled, revealing mismatched rows of yellow teeth and a breath reminding Mark of dead fish, and looked directly at Mark.

 

That’s close to home. Two of my fish just died a couple of weeks ago. And yes, they smelled, too.

 

“I heard every word you said, kid. I'm not one to tell you what to do with your lives, but think about what you say. You might end up in trouble.”

Mark shrugged. He's right, he shouldn't tell me what to do. The bus driver shook his head, turned around, and went back to his seat. For the remainder of the trip, Mark remained silent, and listened offhandedly to the conversations around him. He noticed they were talking about him, but didn't care. It was just a bus trip, after all. However, it would be far longer than ten minutes.

 

Interesting wording here. I can’t tell if you’re trying to describe with effect, saying that it would be longer than ten minutes because Mark would have to sit and listen to everyone, or if there was going to be a detour of sorts.

 

 

“You shouldn't have done that, Jean. We don't need to pick on people before we get to the Academy.” Mirroring Mark's thoughts of about a second earlier, the boy on the other side of the white-haired one talked while casually looking out the window. He spoke low enough for Mark not to hear. “He's a good-for-nothing kid, that's all. Don't let it get to you.” Jean stared ahead without changing his expression.

 

It’s weird that the antagonist (from where we’re at so far, anyway) plays the role of the good guy, whereas the protagonist plays the role of the stuck-up, “I don’t care about anyone but myself” guy.

 

“If we won't stand up for the smaller ones, Frederick, then who will? There won't always be a fat bus driver crawling out of the jaws of Hades ready to stop the oppressors.”

 

Set up one of those Anonymous Boxes where can submit their problems without being identified. That’ll help them.

 

Frederick looked into his brother's eyes and sighed. The two looked alike in all but length; Frederick was four years younger than his brother and thus shorter. This chivalry was something Jean had started doing all on his own – possibly his idea of a rebellion, Frederick thought.

 

That’s interesting, too. Perhaps Jean wants to get his name out there, to be known for something by standing up for people. Is he doing it for himself or is he doing it for the sake of being helpful?

 

“Listen to yourself, Jean. You sound like someone who's read Don Quixote a few too many times. No, there won't always be someone there to stop evil from happening. You won't be there, and the bus driver certainly won't. It's just one of the things you've got to get used to.”

 

”We should all sit back and do nothing, because people are evil and we have to deal with it.” Your future hero, everyone!

 

He sighed, and looked out the window. He wasn't really in the mood for convincing Jean again. He was tired of playing the only sane man.

 

But was Jean really “insane” there? He was trying to stand up and help the kid, and it wasn’t like he did anything wrong, aside from going outside the rules which he may or may not have been aware of.

 

“He's right, you know. You don't even know that kid. From the looks of him, you'll probably never see him after this day. You shouldn't start a fight over something so little. You'll get your chance to challenge him – once we get to the Academy. We probably won't have much time to spare at the Entrance Exams.”

 

Jaden vs. Zane in a different setting. It’s going to happen.

 

Jean was silent, and his gaze was fixed somewhere far ahead. In his mind, he was already at the exams, seeing the look on the teacher's face as he passed by sheer excellence. His enemies would be burdened by their own sins, and collapse into purity. He was a cavalier, but a proud cavalier; he loved nothing more than to see the evildoers writhe in humiliation at his feet. That was his goal.

 

So he’s a selfish jerk doing all of this to boost his ego. Now that makes sense.

 

 

The bus driver dug his way back into his seat, and turned the ignition. The engine roared up, and he relaxed back in his seat. The kids were always noisy, but this year's bunch was worse than ever. This was the Academy's third bus-load this month – a number which had steadily increased over the years – and he had been forced to interrupt four duels already. Couldn't have a few of them get injured on the way there. The seat belts weren't there just for show.

 

That’s not true; they don’t have seat belts no buses!

 

Suddenly, he slammed the brake and pulled the handbrake out of pure reflex. There was someone on the road. A kid... a creepy kid. He couldn't even tell if it was a girl or a boy; the kid was wearing a white robe with long sleeves and a hood. Heck, it could even be a regular dwarf. The bus driver had an uncle Chad who was a dwarf; and for a brief moment he imagined his uncle in that robe and chuckled.

 

Ah, the fat guy has someone else to laugh at.

 

Then, he started to wonder. They were still quite a distance from the town, probably a ten-minute drive or more. On both of their sides were golden fields of crops, stretching out on both sides for at least a mile.

 

He was hungry. He contemplated stopping for food.

 

He would've seen the child. On their right side there was Mt. Hanne and the Hawthorne Academy, where some of these brats would be headed eventually. This child had appeared out of nowhere. Now that the bus had come to a stop, the child approached them. All sounds were muffled to the bus driver as the child came closer; it was as if something shoved cotton into his ears. The brats in the back, now noisier than ever, faded away into nothing. When the child stopped outside the doors, the driver only pressed the button out of reflex. Normally, there would be a steaming hiss as the door opened; the bus driver didn't hear a thing. It was strange, but peaceful. In his mind, the bus driver thanked the child. Then, he turned to his right to greet the child onto the bus, only to notice that the child had taken off its hood. His silent scream was heard by none.

 

I’m confused.

 

 

Beneath the hood, the child's eyes studied each and every one of the students. All of them were completely fixed in their position, sitting completely still and not even noticing the child's presence. It smiled.

 

It? So it’s not a human?

 

The boy Mark had nicknamed “Dave” gasped for breath. What was that? He was practically jumping on his seat; he was alert and ready to run a mile. Whatever speck of tiredness he had felt earlier was gone. I must've fallen asleep or something.

 

They were now driving through the town, and the other attendees were looking out the windows. It was easy for him to forget that most of these people had never been outside their little sleepy hollow back home. He knew Hawthorne Town like the back of his hand. There was Syren Avenue, and the coffee shop his mother used to run; a few seconds later he saw Rosebud Street where you'd make a right turn onto Northwestern and end up right outside their old house. He shook off the memories. That was long ago.

 

In a galaxy far…nevermind. Great description so far. I like that Mark’s this kid who considers himself different from all of these other kids, and maybe he is.

 

I have other things to think about. Instead of looking out the side windows, he looked ahead and tried to figure out where they were headed. As far as he knew, the entrance exams were a big event with several hundred applicants from the area, and he couldn't think of a single- Oh no. Not there. Not there. Please, anywhere but there.

 

It sounds like when I was five and was too afraid to go to the Dentist’s Office. Or when my mom wants to go to Wal-Mart and I just feel like going home. You know.

 

His fears grew and grew as the bus turned left off the main road and headed down toward the industrial quarters. One by one, he recognized the street signs and the shops they passed. There was no doubt.

 

They were going to the Warehouse.

 

 

 

Darn cliffhangers. Absolutely fantastic start to this. There were no duels, which I would’ve liked seeing as you generally write great duels, but it definitely leaves you wanting to read on. I am confused, though, because I don’t know if the boy with the cloak took over the bus or something, but hey, I’m guessing we’ll find out in Chapter 2. Really, really good read.

[Umbra]

I'm glad you liked it. It seems like the big mystery so far is "what happened to the bus driver?" rather than "What's going on with Lucien?" even though the two might be related. I'll conclude that matter after the Exams.

 

Speaking of which, Chapter 4 is now at one page of length. I will try to finish it today.

[Umbra]

I'm glad you liked it. It seems like the big mystery so far is "what happened to the bus driver?" rather than "What's going on with Lucien?" even though the two might be related. I'll conclude that matter after the Exams.

 

Speaking of which, Chapter 4 is now at one page of length. I will try to finish it today.

[Umbra]

I'm glad you liked it. It seems like the big mystery so far is "what happened to the bus driver?" rather than "What's going on with Lucien?" even though the two might be related. I'll conclude that matter after the Exams.

 

Speaking of which, Chapter 4 is now at one page of length. I will try to finish it today.

[Umbra]

Chapter Four, Indestructible has now been posted. It is a two-parter, mainly because of the duel. There will be a new Consideration! eventually, but as of now I haven't written it.

 

And I'm in!

[Dr. Cakey]

There's a little mistake in the duel. King of Skull Servants (3000) attacks Godslayer Arrow (1600), and gets Prideful Roar'd. Then it comes back with 2000 ATK. Why didn't the examiner attack again?

[Umbra]

There's a little mistake in the duel. King of Skull Servants (3000) attacks Godslayer Arrow (1600)' date=' and gets Prideful Roar'd. Then it comes back with 2000 ATK. Why didn't the examiner attack again?

[/quote']

 

...He didn't want to?

 

That's a mistake on my part. For now, it will stay the way it is.

[Guest Ixigo]

I was curious why those two wanted to duel at a time where they could each be called upon at any second. I like how you're playing them against each other while giving them similar traits. I certainly hope Linda ends up as something more important as just a medium between the two.

 

IIRC someone said the kids were supposed to fight examiners with decks that matched well against their own. Leaving aside how such one-sided prior knowledge and preparation makes this card game very unfair, I'm assuming the guy who is using Skull Servant monsters matches well against Mark because Mark's monsters are more powerful when fighting superior-levelled monsters and Skull Servant monsters are all low level?

 

I think I'm a bit at odds with the Godslayer archetype. Its theme is nice, but the name just sounds a bit overdramatic, especially for a protagonist.

 

Until then, maybe we cou-”

Jean cut her off mid-sentence.

 

When I originally read this it was something like "Until then, m" *insert Jean's response*, which made it much more hilarious, because it made me picture Jean like the sort of guy who doesn't even wait for others to finish their words, much less their sentences, before he goes on to hunt some evil card-playing villain.

 

I was also disappointed by the fact that Duels are run on a 8000 Life Point basis. I prefer the anime-established 4000 point standard for stories, because it makes them shorter (in terms of overall card playing content), while making reversals somewhat more exciting. I do understand, though, why you'd go with 8000.

 

Beatrice was a little less badass than I had envisioned, but I still enjoyed her scene. The exposition and foreshadowing felt a little forced at the end, but it was alright.

 

Overall a nice chapter. It was a bit disappointing that you cut the duel in half, but ah well.

[Umbra]

I was curious why those two wanted to duel at a time where they could each be called upon at any second. I like how you're playing them against each other while giving them similar traits. I certainly hope Linda ends up as something more important as just a medium between the two.

 

Linda will certainly have a bigger role in the story after a certain twist in Chapter Six' date=' when our applicants get to Hawthorne.[/b']

 

IIRC someone said the kids were supposed to fight examiners with decks that matched well against their own. Leaving aside how such one-sided prior knowledge and preparation makes this card game very unfair, I'm assuming the guy who is using Skull Servant monsters matches well against Mark because Mark's monsters are more powerful when fighting superior-levelled monsters and Skull Servant monsters are all low level?

 

It's meant to be unfair. As Isaac explained in his speech - sort of - Hawthorne only wants the best of the best. Their lowest limit is very, very high.

 

I think I'm a bit at odds with the Godslayer archetype. Its theme is nice, but the name just sounds a bit overdramatic, especially for a protagonist.

 

The name might be more appropriate as the story progresses, but I wanted to give him an archetype that worked well against high-level monsters without necessarily destroying them right out.

 

Until then, maybe we cou-”

Jean cut her off mid-sentence.

 

When I originally read this it was something like "Until then, m" *insert Jean's response*, which made it much more hilarious, because it made me picture Jean like the sort of guy who doesn't even wait for others to finish their words, much less their sentences, before he goes on to hunt some evil card-playing villain.

 

There is a sort of guys like that? :D

 

I was also disappointed by the fact that Duels are run on a 8000 Life Point basis. I prefer the anime-established 4000 point standard for stories, because it makes them shorter (in terms of overall card playing content), while making reversals somewhat more exciting. I do understand, though, why you'd go with 8000.

 

I was pondering whether to use 4000 or 8000 while I was writing that, but in the end I decided to create slower, more controlling duels. Had I used 4000, the duel would already be over, and Mark would be put on a bus to Nomoria.

 

Beatrice was a little less badass than I had envisioned, but I still enjoyed her scene. The exposition and foreshadowing felt a little forced at the end, but it was alright.

 

There might be more exposition than you think. On the other hand, it might end up as less.

 

Overall a nice chapter. It was a bit disappointing that you cut the duel in half, but ah well.

 

I did that for story-related reasons. I cannot say anymore.

 

On another note, I've pretty much established the main cast now. I won't create any more important characters from here on.

[Umbra]

Chapter Four has now been edited to work around the problem that Cakey mentioned. Chapter Two has also been slightly edited to show Vanessa's new appearance.

[deathdragoon]

meh.

 

Good.

 

Not enough duels, though I'm probably the only real poster here who thinks that, LOL.

Overall, 8/10.

---

meh.

 

Good.

 

Not enough duels, though I'm probably the only real poster here who thinks that, LOL.

Overall, 8/10.Wait, why doesn't everyone here just post their fanfictions on fanfiction.net? It's much easier.

 

Oh wait, a lot of people haven't heard of it.

And some people just like to be out-of-the-box.

[Umbra]

I tend to focus on the plot rather than LETS DUEL GAIZ. More duels doesn't always equal a better story.

 

I personally consider it easier to post here - just copy/paste into the thread. Not to mention that it's easier to get lost in the Pit of Voles. Not to mention that semi-original works that don't fit into a specific YGO franchise, such as my own, can't be properly placed on FF.net.