Yu-Gi-Oh! X3 Fanfic

[Mahboi99]

I know this fanfic was dumb. Safe to say it will be wiped from your minds!

Go! Uxie! Open your eyes!

Lust: huuh?????? my memory got wiped?????!!!!

Crab: O_o ima gonna ban dis thing!

[Lord Smeagle]

Fail.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But to be perfectly honest and slightly more helpful, maybe we can get some character development? It's kinda like "this guy's this, this guy's this, and this guy's this," and suddenly Tom just WINS!

[Yankee]

Commas are overrated, amirite?

 

Crab can have so much fun with this, ESPECIALLY the last sentence.

[Mahboi99]

Development? give a damn break im in Year 7 >:/

[Yankee]

I'd still expect you to understand the concept of commas.

I don't quite...understand what exactly is going on here...Not sure about the story...

Why is this kid dueling this guy?

Where is there no detail at all?

Is Jason 7'10, and as skinny as a pencil?

Does Tom talk in a British accent, and is 5'3, and weighs 378 pounds?

Tom is obviously bald. Probably from the cancer that is the story. Too bad the therapy doesn't always work.

I also love the fact that you say "but never mind!"

The chapter itself is called "The Return of Kaiba", yet not one thing is said about him until the very end. Then he proceeds to provide us with MORE than enough information about his tournament, and asks the child of which we know nothing, other than his first name, to enter.

Fortunately, I know the tournament Kaiba is speaking of.

See, Kaiba needs a partner for the Kaiba Corp 3-Legged-Race. Sadly, Mokuba decided he was too cool to be in this fan-fiction, so Kaiba had to search for somebody. Kabia strategically chose to look for a partner in a card show because we all know card shops have the single greatest athletes on the planet. Of course, only the winners in a card game are good enough to run with Kaiba. Of course, Kaiba is going to have to do something about Tom's physical features, which, as I myself have described, is horrible. It's hard to run with a 5'3, 378 pound man. For Kaiba's sake, lets hope all that excess weight is muscle.

 

 

Basically what I'm saying is, this story need detail, and an acceptable storyline. If Crab Helmet where here, Crab would say that the best way to improve this story, is to burn it. Feel glad I'm not Crab.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Hmm, in response to your comment my sister's in Year 6 and has written things a LOT better and effort-filled than this.

Check it out if you want to see what YOU should be doing.

Well, as few people may still remember, I used to do some pretty okay reviews in my time here, more akin to before Christmas where I got more into my own fanfiction, but I guess that it's time to pull out the ol'...

WEATHER REPORT.

 

Before i start: Dont make a post saying just "Fail" on its own' date=' i dont know whats wrong with it of you do that

 

... WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! What happened to your grammar? Don't you know about THESE THINGS -> (')?! Your 'don't' looks more like you tried to spell out 'donut', actually. Same for 'whats'. It doesn't look normal. Did you mean 'water' or 'watts'? And in addition, you capitalize 'I'! This was one of the first things I ever learned in kindergarten! Yours seems to be... it. You were trying to spell 'it', right? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Well, I'm about ready to try and decode this thing, so hold onto 'yer hats.

 

'Before it start: Donut make a post saying just "Fail" on its own, it donut know water wrong with it of you do that'

 

... Okay, I just got even MORE confused. It's not looking well for the rest of the story, if this is your intro.

 

Its the year 2070 and Duel Runners acrosss the world have stopped working. in a small lone Game Shop in the middle of New Domino City we see our hero, Tom, an 18 year old boy who spends his time playing the Yu-Gi-Oh! TCG. He has 2 freinds, Jason who is VERY good at math and Jonathon who is a little hot headed at times but never mind!

 

OH CRAP, NOT THE DUEL RUNNERS--wait, don't they run on gasoline or something? And what will this really have to do with the main plot, anyways?

 

And you really sound like some goofy narrator here. And HERE, we see our HIP N' HAPPENIN' TEEN HERO, Tom, who plays 'YU-GI-OH'! He has TWO GROOVY FRIENDS, no, FREINDS, Jason, who's GRRRRREAT at math, and Johnathon, who's, *snicker*, a little hot headed at times, but don't you worry about that, because... it's Yu-Gi-Oh! X3! Do we NEED a reason? Wahahaha...

 

What kind of personality trait is 'dueling' anyways? You... live to duel. You... love to duel. You... are good at dueling. Sadly, everybody else at school avoids you (mostly) because you're eerily bland and boring. Of COURSE that's why he only has two friends! What kind of LOSER only has TWO friends?

 

And why's Jason good at math? That won't be helpful in any adventures, unless you have to finish your homework really really fast, or if you need to go through the ancient Aztec 'Math Temple' to get something. In a futuristic setting, you'd need to be good at PROGRAMMING. And to make it even better, how's about we DON'T make him a stereotypical nerd in this thing? Just lettin' you know what would be cool...

 

Johnathon is hot-headed. That's boring. That's almost every Shonen hero we've got. Is he good with the ladies? Or is this all he does? Gain super powers and beat bad guys up while screaming loudly? And for FURTHER useless nitpicking, why are all of Tom's only friends both 'J' people? Was it an accident? Did anybody notice? Is Tom just scary like that (ew)? And back to just Johnathon, why's his NAME so screwed up? It's spelled like "Welcome to the New York Annual 5K John-a-thon, the race named after some kid named John who fell off a bridge three years back!"

"Sir, only three people came."

"Screw this, I'm going home."

 

Back to the point you screwed up spelling 'across' and 'friends' and have some capitalization issues, so I can expect you to mess up names and first words (of the sentences) often coming up. But what I was saying WAAAAY back at the top of the paragraph, remember: this part sounds cheesy. Take it out and show us the story IN the story. Let us figure it you as we go through context clues and repeated behaviors, ect.

 

Chapter 1: Return Of Seto Kaiba

Ohhellno. What is he, now? 80? 90 years old? You can not be serious. Remember how the original took place somewhere between 1995-2003 or so? The only way I can understand him coming back in 2070 is if he's attached to a robot body. Preferably a spider-mech.

 

In the game shop in the middle of New Domino City Tom and his freinds are inside playing Duel Mosters."I summon my Achient Gear Soilder(ATK 1500) in attack mode and I Attack your Machine Cyclops!" Shouted Tom, "Aha!, you triggered my Trap Card! Magic Cylinder! So your attack is reversed to hit your own Life Points!"

 

Your capitalization and spelling suck again. I'm leaving it up to you to figure out where and how. And what is 'THE' game shop you speak of? The one with the 'GAME' on the top? That one was knocked down eons ago! So what the hell kinda shop are these people playing Duel Mosters with their Yu-Gi-Oh car--... You really screwed up. CHOOSE ONE NAME OR THE OTHER, DAMN IT! AND BECAUSE YOU ALREADY MENTIONED SETO KAIBA'S HERE, GO BACK TO YOUR UNNECESSARY PROLOGUE AND FIX IT!! I KNOW you put Yu-Gi-Oh cards in there somewhere!

Duel Status

=================

Tom LP 2500 Cards: 34

Jonathon LP 3500 Cards:34

DO we need to know how many cards they have? You can keep that counter, though, just do what you want with it.

=================

"Darn It!" Snapped Tom, "I Sacrifice All Of My Monsters!"(Acheint Gear X2 Achient Gear Soilder X1) "Thus being able to summon! Achient Gear Golem, Beast AND Gadjiltron Dragon!

Achient?! Capitalization run amok?! Weird sentences?! CHEAP DOUBLE- no, TRIPLE-NORMAL SUMMONING THAT BREAKS ALL DA RULEZ?!?! I gotta get outta here...

=====================================================

Golem = 3000

Dragon = 3500

Beast = 2800

=====================================================

"Then use the Anther Fusion Trap!" Tom said sharply, "So i can summon my strongest monster!Ultimate AG Golem!(ATK 4500), So then i can play my trap! "Double Attack"! so i can attack TWICE!"

ATK1 on Machine Cyclops

ATK2 on DIRECT

"I WIN!" Shouted Tom at the VERY top of his lungs!

Just then an old man walked in.. the old man said "Hello, i am Seto Kaiba"

the whole shop fell in silence.

Kaiba then said "Now i would like you to enter my tournament, Battle-City 2!" "Wha!" Shouted Jonathon, Jason and Tom in Shock.

What the bleep was THAT?! What's Fusion Trap? How'd he summon those monsters? Why didn't you use the *ACTUAL* Spell card Double Attack? What did the Machine Cyclops even look like or have as stats? Why did oldman Seto come to THESE idiots?! Why's he planning this stupid tourney now of all times? Why is there no description here at all? Do you even know the rules of the game all that well? All of this... and more... will be totally ignored and unexplained next time, on the next GROOVALICIOUS episode of YU-GI-OH! X3!!!!!11!!!!21! Also that was too short for a chapter.

TO BE CONTINUED!

 

... All of this was previously mentioned before, but...

Check spelling and capitalization.

Describe things.

Make your characters more interesting.

Explain things.

Lengthen this.

Actually look over your work before you post it.

Don't use your age as an excuse.

Realize that by posting your work in public instantly means that you want people to see this and tell you what they thought about it.

Whining makes you look like a jabroni, y'know.

 

Develop skills based upon all these lessons, and MORE, and you shall finally become a better author!!

 

 

 

 

 

*Note: All claims noted by author are not the same views that our company endorses. Your experiences may vary. Many will enter, few will win. Cut this off of the cereal box with five box tops and we'll send you the prize. Side-effects may include nausea, indigestion, and spontaneous combustion in women over the age of forty-five. Talk to your doctor before you use WEATHER REPORT!!!*

[Grunt Issun]

Hmm' date=' in response to your comment my sister's in Year 6 and has written things a LOT better and effort-filled than this.

Check it out if you want to see what YOU should be doing.

Well, as few people may still remember, I used to do some pretty okay reviews in my time here, more akin to before Christmas where I got more into my own fanfiction, but I guess that it's time to pull out the ol'...

WEATHER REPORT.

 

Before i start: Dont make a post saying just "Fail" on its own' date=' i dont know whats wrong with it of you do that

 

... WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! What happened to your grammar? Don't you know about THESE THINGS -> (')?! Your 'don't' looks more like you tried to spell out 'donut', actually. Same for 'whats'. It doesn't look normal. Did you mean 'water' or 'watts'? And in addition, you capitalize 'I'! This was one of the first things I ever learned in kindergarten! Yours seems to be... it. You were trying to spell 'it', right? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Well, I'm about ready to try and decode this thing, so hold onto 'yer hats.

 

'Before it start: Donut make a post saying just "Fail" on its own, it donut know water wrong with it of you do that'

 

... Okay, I just got even MORE confused. It's not looking well for the rest of the story, if this is your intro.

 

Its the year 2070 and Duel Runners acrosss the world have stopped working. in a small lone Game Shop in the middle of New Domino City we see our hero, Tom, an 18 year old boy who spends his time playing the Yu-Gi-Oh! TCG. He has 2 freinds, Jason who is VERY good at math and Jonathon who is a little hot headed at times but never mind!

 

OH CRAP, NOT THE DUEL RUNNERS--wait, don't they run on gasoline or something? And what will this really have to do with the main plot, anyways?

 

And you really sound like some goofy narrator here. And HERE, we see our HIP N' HAPPENIN' TEEN HERO, Tom, who plays 'YU-GI-OH'! He has TWO GROOVY FRIENDS, no, FREINDS, Jason, who's GRRRRREAT at math, and Johnathon, who's, *snicker*, a little hot headed at times, but don't you worry about that, because... it's Yu-Gi-Oh! X3! Do we NEED a reason? Wahahaha...

 

What kind of personality trait is 'dueling' anyways? You... live to duel. You... love to duel. You... are good at dueling. Sadly, everybody else at school avoids you (mostly) because you're eerily bland and boring. Of COURSE that's why he only has two friends! What kind of LOSER only has TWO friends?

 

And why's Jason good at math? That won't be helpful in any adventures, unless you have to finish your homework really really fast, or if you need to go through the ancient Aztec 'Math Temple' to get something. In a futuristic setting, you'd need to be good at PROGRAMMING. And to make it even better, how's about we DON'T make him a stereotypical nerd in this thing? Just lettin' you know what would be cool...

 

Johnathon is hot-headed. That's boring. That's almost every Shonen hero we've got. Is he good with the ladies? Or is this all he does? Gain super powers and beat bad guys up while screaming loudly? And for FURTHER useless nitpicking, why are all of Tom's only friends both 'J' people? Was it an accident? Did anybody notice? Is Tom just scary like that (ew)? And back to just Johnathon, why's his NAME so screwed up? It's spelled like "Welcome to the New York Annual 5K John-a-thon, the race named after some kid named John who fell off a bridge three years back!"

"Sir, only three people came."

"Screw this, I'm going home."

 

Back to the point you screwed up spelling 'across' and 'friends' and have some capitalization issues, so I can expect you to mess up names and first words (of the sentences) often coming up. But what I was saying WAAAAY back at the top of the paragraph, remember: this part sounds cheesy. Take it out and show us the story IN the story. Let us figure it you as we go through context clues and repeated behaviors, ect.

 

Chapter 1: Return Of Seto Kaiba

Ohhellno. What is he, now? 80? 90 years old? You can not be serious. Remember how the original took place somewhere between 1995-2003 or so? The only way I can understand him coming back in 2070 is if he's attached to a robot body. Preferably a spider-mech.

 

In the game shop in the middle of New Domino City Tom and his freinds are inside playing Duel Mosters."I summon my Achient Gear Soilder(ATK 1500) in attack mode and I Attack your Machine Cyclops!" Shouted Tom, "Aha!, you triggered my Trap Card! Magic Cylinder! So your attack is reversed to hit your own Life Points!"

 

Your capitalization and spelling suck again. I'm leaving it up to you to figure out where and how. And what is 'THE' game shop you speak of? The one with the 'GAME' on the top? That one was knocked down eons ago! So what the hell kinda shop are these people playing Duel Mosters with their Yu-Gi-Oh car--... You really screwed up. CHOOSE ONE NAME OR THE OTHER, DAMN IT! AND BECAUSE YOU ALREADY MENTIONED SETO KAIBA'S HERE, GO BACK TO YOUR UNNECESSARY PROLOGUE AND FIX IT!! I KNOW you put Yu-Gi-Oh cards in there somewhere!

Duel Status

=================

Tom LP 2500 Cards: 34

Jonathon LP 3500 Cards:34

DO we need to know how many cards they have? You can keep that counter, though, just do what you want with it.

=================

"Darn It!" Snapped Tom, "I Sacrifice All Of My Monsters!"(Acheint Gear X2 Achient Gear Soilder X1) "Thus being able to summon! Achient Gear Golem, Beast AND Gadjiltron Dragon!

Achient?! Capitalization run amok?! Weird sentences?! CHEAP DOUBLE- no, TRIPLE-NORMAL SUMMONING THAT BREAKS ALL DA RULEZ?!?! I gotta get outta here...

=====================================================

Golem = 3000

Dragon = 3500

Beast = 2800

=====================================================

"Then use the Anther Fusion Trap!" Tom said sharply, "So i can summon my strongest monster!Ultimate AG Golem!(ATK 4500), So then i can play my trap! "Double Attack"! so i can attack TWICE!"

ATK1 on Machine Cyclops

ATK2 on DIRECT

"I WIN!" Shouted Tom at the VERY top of his lungs!

Just then an old man walked in.. the old man said "Hello, i am Seto Kaiba"

the whole shop fell in silence.

Kaiba then said "Now i would like you to enter my tournament, Battle-City 2!" "Wha!" Shouted Jonathon, Jason and Tom in Shock.

What the bleep was THAT?! What's Fusion Trap? How'd he summon those monsters? Why didn't you use the *ACTUAL* Spell card Double Attack? What did the Machine Cyclops even look like or have as stats? Why did oldman Seto come to THESE idiots?! Why's he planning this stupid tourney now of all times? Why is there no description here at all? Do you even know the rules of the game all that well? All of this... and more... will be totally ignored and unexplained next time, on the next GROOVALICIOUS episode of YU-GI-OH! X3!!!!!11!!!!21! Also that was too short for a chapter.

TO BE CONTINUED!

 

... All of this was previously mentioned before, but...

Check spelling and capitalization.

Describe things.

Make your characters more interesting.

Explain things.

Lengthen this.

Actually look over your work before you post it.

Don't use your age as an excuse.

Realize that by posting your work in public instantly means that you want people to see this and tell you what they thought about it.

Whining makes you look like a b****, y'know.

 

Develop skills based upon all these lessons, and MORE, and you shall finally become a better author!!

 

 

 

 

 

*Note: All claims noted by author are not the same views that our company endorses. Your experiences may vary. Many will enter, few will win. Cut this off of the cereal box with five box tops and we'll send you the prize. Side-effects may include nausea, indigestion, and spontaneous combustion in women over the age of forty-five. Talk to your doctor before you use WEATHER REPORT!!!*

 

damn crab helmet imposters

[Weather Report - Stand]

Hmm' date=' in response to your comment my sister's in Year 6 and has written things a LOT better and effort-filled than this.

Check it out if you want to see what YOU should be doing.

Well, as few people may still remember, I used to do some pretty okay reviews in my time here, more akin to before Christmas where I got more into my own fanfiction, but I guess that it's time to pull out the ol'...

WEATHER REPORT.

 

Before i start: Dont make a post saying just "Fail" on its own' date=' i dont know whats wrong with it of you do that

 

... WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! What happened to your grammar? Don't you know about THESE THINGS -> (')?! Your 'don't' looks more like you tried to spell out 'donut', actually. Same for 'whats'. It doesn't look normal. Did you mean 'water' or 'watts'? And in addition, you capitalize 'I'! This was one of the first things I ever learned in kindergarten! Yours seems to be... it. You were trying to spell 'it', right? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Well, I'm about ready to try and decode this thing, so hold onto 'yer hats.

 

'Before it start: Donut make a post saying just "Fail" on its own, it donut know water wrong with it of you do that'

 

... Okay, I just got even MORE confused. It's not looking well for the rest of the story, if this is your intro.

 

Its the year 2070 and Duel Runners acrosss the world have stopped working. in a small lone Game Shop in the middle of New Domino City we see our hero, Tom, an 18 year old boy who spends his time playing the Yu-Gi-Oh! TCG. He has 2 freinds, Jason who is VERY good at math and Jonathon who is a little hot headed at times but never mind!

 

OH CRAP, NOT THE DUEL RUNNERS--wait, don't they run on gasoline or something? And what will this really have to do with the main plot, anyways?

 

And you really sound like some goofy narrator here. And HERE, we see our HIP N' HAPPENIN' TEEN HERO, Tom, who plays 'YU-GI-OH'! He has TWO GROOVY FRIENDS, no, FREINDS, Jason, who's GRRRRREAT at math, and Johnathon, who's, *snicker*, a little hot headed at times, but don't you worry about that, because... it's Yu-Gi-Oh! X3! Do we NEED a reason? Wahahaha...

 

What kind of personality trait is 'dueling' anyways? You... live to duel. You... love to duel. You... are good at dueling. Sadly, everybody else at school avoids you (mostly) because you're eerily bland and boring. Of COURSE that's why he only has two friends! What kind of LOSER only has TWO friends?

 

And why's Jason good at math? That won't be helpful in any adventures, unless you have to finish your homework really really fast, or if you need to go through the ancient Aztec 'Math Temple' to get something. In a futuristic setting, you'd need to be good at PROGRAMMING. And to make it even better, how's about we DON'T make him a stereotypical nerd in this thing? Just lettin' you know what would be cool...

 

Johnathon is hot-headed. That's boring. That's almost every Shonen hero we've got. Is he good with the ladies? Or is this all he does? Gain super powers and beat bad guys up while screaming loudly? And for FURTHER useless nitpicking, why are all of Tom's only friends both 'J' people? Was it an accident? Did anybody notice? Is Tom just scary like that (ew)? And back to just Johnathon, why's his NAME so screwed up? It's spelled like "Welcome to the New York Annual 5K John-a-thon, the race named after some kid named John who fell off a bridge three years back!"

"Sir, only three people came."

"Screw this, I'm going home."

 

Back to the point you screwed up spelling 'across' and 'friends' and have some capitalization issues, so I can expect you to mess up names and first words (of the sentences) often coming up. But what I was saying WAAAAY back at the top of the paragraph, remember: this part sounds cheesy. Take it out and show us the story IN the story. Let us figure it you as we go through context clues and repeated behaviors, ect.

 

Chapter 1: Return Of Seto Kaiba

Ohhellno. What is he, now? 80? 90 years old? You can not be serious. Remember how the original took place somewhere between 1995-2003 or so? The only way I can understand him coming back in 2070 is if he's attached to a robot body. Preferably a spider-mech.

 

In the game shop in the middle of New Domino City Tom and his freinds are inside playing Duel Mosters."I summon my Achient Gear Soilder(ATK 1500) in attack mode and I Attack your Machine Cyclops!" Shouted Tom, "Aha!, you triggered my Trap Card! Magic Cylinder! So your attack is reversed to hit your own Life Points!"

 

Your capitalization and spelling suck again. I'm leaving it up to you to figure out where and how. And what is 'THE' game shop you speak of? The one with the 'GAME' on the top? That one was knocked down eons ago! So what the hell kinda shop are these people playing Duel Mosters with their Yu-Gi-Oh car--... You really screwed up. CHOOSE ONE NAME OR THE OTHER, DAMN IT! AND BECAUSE YOU ALREADY MENTIONED SETO KAIBA'S HERE, GO BACK TO YOUR UNNECESSARY PROLOGUE AND FIX IT!! I KNOW you put Yu-Gi-Oh cards in there somewhere!

Duel Status

=================

Tom LP 2500 Cards: 34

Jonathon LP 3500 Cards:34

DO we need to know how many cards they have? You can keep that counter, though, just do what you want with it.

=================

"Darn It!" Snapped Tom, "I Sacrifice All Of My Monsters!"(Acheint Gear X2 Achient Gear Soilder X1) "Thus being able to summon! Achient Gear Golem, Beast AND Gadjiltron Dragon!

Achient?! Capitalization run amok?! Weird sentences?! CHEAP DOUBLE- no, TRIPLE-NORMAL SUMMONING THAT BREAKS ALL DA RULEZ?!?! I gotta get outta here...

=====================================================

Golem = 3000

Dragon = 3500

Beast = 2800

=====================================================

"Then use the Anther Fusion Trap!" Tom said sharply, "So i can summon my strongest monster!Ultimate AG Golem!(ATK 4500), So then i can play my trap! "Double Attack"! so i can attack TWICE!"

ATK1 on Machine Cyclops

ATK2 on DIRECT

"I WIN!" Shouted Tom at the VERY top of his lungs!

Just then an old man walked in.. the old man said "Hello, i am Seto Kaiba"

the whole shop fell in silence.

Kaiba then said "Now i would like you to enter my tournament, Battle-City 2!" "Wha!" Shouted Jonathon, Jason and Tom in Shock.

What the bleep was THAT?! What's Fusion Trap? How'd he summon those monsters? Why didn't you use the *ACTUAL* Spell card Double Attack? What did the Machine Cyclops even look like or have as stats? Why did oldman Seto come to THESE idiots?! Why's he planning this stupid tourney now of all times? Why is there no description here at all? Do you even know the rules of the game all that well? All of this... and more... will be totally ignored and unexplained next time, on the next GROOVALICIOUS episode of YU-GI-OH! X3!!!!!11!!!!21! Also that was too short for a chapter.

TO BE CONTINUED!

 

... All of this was previously mentioned before, but...

Check spelling and capitalization.

Describe things.

Make your characters more interesting.

Explain things.

Lengthen this.

Actually look over your work before you post it.

Don't use your age as an excuse.

Realize that by posting your work in public instantly means that you want people to see this and tell you what they thought about it.

Whining makes you look like a b****, y'know.

 

Develop skills based upon all these lessons, and MORE, and you shall finally become a better author!!

 

 

 

 

 

*Note: All claims noted by author are not the same views that our company endorses. Your experiences may vary. Many will enter, few will win. Cut this off of the cereal box with five box tops and we'll send you the prize. Side-effects may include nausea, indigestion, and spontaneous combustion in women over the age of forty-five. Talk to your doctor before you use WEATHER REPORT!!!*

 

damn crab helmet imposters

 

I was doing this before last January. When I first got here, I did quite a few for a while, until I started really typing my own fan fictions with more effort and time put into them. So EFF YOU-- No, I'm just kidding, but I don't wanna be called an impostor like DailyNews was. And Kaikae, on some occasions.

[Headmaster Monokuma]

Wasn't Weather Report doing this before Crab was? Anyway, the entire thing was just awful. I know that the anime / fanfics don't follow the same rules as the real game, but seriously? Normal summoning three monsters in one turn? Not enough detail to keep me interested. I'm serious. I saw my cat, and started playing with it. Then read the very short chapter. They need to be longer with more detail. Basically everything said above.

 

EDIT: Dang ninja's.

[Grunt Issun]

maybe this works better

 

Before I start: Don't make a post saying just "Fail" on its own, I don't know what's wrong with it of you do that

 

It’s the year 2070 and Duel Runners across the world have stopped working, and owning a duel disk became very rare. In a small lone Game Shop in the middle of New Domino City we see our hero, Tom, an 18 year old boy who spends his time playing Duel Monsters. He has 2 friends, Jason who is VERY good at math and Jonathon who is a little hot headed at times but never mind.

 

Chapter 1: Return of Seto Kaiba

 

In the game shop in the middle of New Domino City Tom and his friends are inside playing Duel Monsters. "I summon my Ancient Gear Solider (ATK 1500) in attack mode” Tom said, “And now I Attack your Machine Cyclops!" Shouted Tom, "Aha, you triggered my Trap Card! Magic Cylinder! You see, Magic cylinder reverses your own attack back at you” Jonathon explained.

Duel Status

=================

Tom LP 2500

Jonathon LP 3500

=================

"Darn It!" Snapped Tom, "I give up 1500 Life points for my Ultimate offering trap card, so that I can normal summon another 3 monsters, I Sacrifice All Of My Monsters!"(Ancient Gear X2 Ancient Gear Soilder X1) "Thus being able to summon, Ancient Gear Golem, Beast AND Gadjiltron Dragon!

=================

Tom LP 1000

Jonathon LP 3500

=================

 

=====================================================

Golem = 3000 ATK

Dragon = 3500 ATK

Beast = 2800 ATK

=====================================================

"Then use the Polymerization!" Tom said sharply, "So I can summon my strongest monster! Ultimate AG Golem! (ATK 4500), so then I can play my trap! "Double Attack"! So I can attack twice by discarding five cards from my deck”

ATK1 on Machine Cyclops

ATK 2 on DIRECT

"I WIN!" Shouted Tom

Just then an old man, with a cybernetic arm, and metal plating on his head, walked in... The old man said "Hello, i am Seto Kaiba"

The whole shop fell in silence.

Kaiba then said "Now I would like you to enter my younger brothers, tourney " "What!" Shouted Jonathon, Jason, and Tom.

“Why aren’t you hosting it?” Tom asked the man with the android body.

“I’m much too old” Kaiba answered them

 

 

its still bad, but its better then what you wrote

[Mahboi99]

maybe this works better

 

Before I start: Don't make a post saying just "Fail" on its own' date=' I don't know what's wrong with it of you do that

 

It’s the year 2070 and Duel Runners across the world have stopped working, and owning a duel disk became very rare. In a small lone Game Shop in the middle of New Domino City we see our hero, Tom, an 18 year old boy who spends his time playing Duel Monsters. He has 2 friends, Jason who is VERY good at math and Jonathon who is a little hot headed at times but never mind.

 

Chapter 1: Return of Seto Kaiba

 

In the game shop in the middle of New Domino City Tom and his friends are inside playing Duel Monsters. "I summon my Ancient Gear Solider (ATK 1500) in attack mode” Tom said, “And now I Attack your Machine Cyclops!" Shouted Tom, "Aha, you triggered my Trap Card! Magic Cylinder! You see, Magic cylinder reverses your own attack back at you” Jonathon explained.

Duel Status

=================

Tom LP 2500

Jonathon LP 3500

=================

"Darn It!" Snapped Tom, "I give up 1500 Life points for my Ultimate offering trap card, so that I can normal summon another 3 monsters, I Sacrifice All Of My Monsters!"(Ancient Gear X2 Ancient Gear Soilder X1) "Thus being able to summon, Ancient Gear Golem, Beast AND Gadjiltron Dragon!

=================

Tom LP 1000

Jonathon LP 3500

=================

 

=====================================================

Golem = 3000 ATK

Dragon = 3500 ATK

Beast = 2800 ATK

=====================================================

"Then use the Polymerization!" Tom said sharply, "So I can summon my strongest monster! Ultimate AG Golem! (ATK 4500), so then I can play my trap! "Double Attack"! So I can attack twice by discarding five cards from my deck”

ATK1 on Machine Cyclops

ATK 2 on DIRECT

"I WIN!" Shouted Tom

Just then an old man, with a cybernetic arm, and metal plating on his head, walked in... The old man said "Hello, i am Seto Kaiba"

The whole shop fell in silence.

Kaiba then said "Now I would like you to enter my younger brothers, tourney " "What!" Shouted Jonathon, Jason, and Tom.

“Why aren’t you hosting it?” Tom asked the man with the android body.

“I’m much too old” Kaiba answered them

 

 

its still bad, but its better then what you wrote

[/quote']

 

FREAKING GENIUS! MOTHER FREAKING GENIUS! YOU MY FREIND ARE AWESOME!

(not lying, no being sarcastic)

[Grunt Issun]

I know i get that alot

 

no you dont

 

shut up red

 

he's right u know

 

shut up vio

 

screw the rules i have green text

 

shouldnt you be in a fan-fic as a half dead android, letting your little brother run a tournement even though he knows nothing about duelmonsters

 

....screw the fan-fic I have card games

[Weather Report - Stand]

Still, though, as a helpful tidbit of information, you may want to make the first chapter three times longer or so, to a normal length. Maybe just stick on what you were originally going to use as the next chapter or so, so that it looks like you put more time into it. Also fix your spelling errors and such. Then it'll look less... unrefined? Oh, and as a bonus, you should explain the duel more. Even with Ultimate Offering (which your cool Wynn newbuddy so graciously shoehorned in there), you're still... two monsters short of the five sacrifices you'd need to summon those three larger cards. And THEN, you'd need to use some OTHER effect cards to explain how THOSE guys made it onto the field, because the deck only has 6 cards missing from it(in the original)! And THEN you need to explain how you attacked with Ancient Gear Soldier, then used all those Spells and Traps during the Battle Phase!!

 

So, as you see from my ranting text block, Wynn made it okay, but it's still mediocre as a story. This means that you may want to revise this thing at least one more time before calling it complete.

 

Also, how does Battle City 2 relate to the D-Wheel problem you only mentioned once in your story? Curious.

[Grunt Issun]

I just took the original story and edited it, i was confused about the three monster summon 2, and I didnt know the stats of that one card that was attacked, but I did make kaiba awsome didnt I, funking ANDROID CYbORG THINGY!! YEAH!!

[Weather Report - Stand]

Yes, I really did enjoy Terminator Kaiba. But it kinda does make me feel like we've just stolen Maiboi99's topic from him... well, at least I decided that I like reviewing again.

[Guest]

Weather Report was going this on YCM before I was; he's not copying me. However, I'm not copying him either; I started Foe Fiction before finding out that Weather Report ever did reviews here. (I was copying Retsupurae instead.) In a meta example, one of the Foe Fiction chapters has me mocking not only the original story but also Weather Report's review of the story...

[Grunt Issun]

oh, lol.

 

and @weather report

thats kindof were i got the idea from, I just changed it a bit

[Weather Report - Stand]

Hmm, should I be flattered... OR TERRIFIED... too bad I wasn't doing Weather Reports back in the Spring, then maybe I'd still get some respect 'round these parts...

 

Wait, did I REALLY help hijack the point of the topic?! OH MY GOSH, THERE USED TO BE A STORY HERE!!!

[legolover09]

don't worry Weather Report, I still remember your Weather Reports

[Yankee]

It's at times like these that I miss Kendo Fish...

[Mahboi99]

I'd still expect you to understand the concept of commas.

I don't quite...understand what exactly is going on here...Not sure about the story...

Why is this kid dueling this guy?

Where is there no detail at all?

Is Jason 7'10' date=' and as skinny as a pencil?

Does Tom talk in a British accent, and is 5'3, and weighs 378 pounds?

Tom is obviously bald. Probably from the cancer that is the story. Too bad the therapy doesn't always work.

I also love the fact that you say "but never mind!"

The chapter itself is called "The Return of Kaiba", yet not one thing is said about him until the very end. Then he proceeds to provide us with MORE than enough information about his tournament, and asks the child of which we know nothing, other than his first name, to enter.

Fortunately, I know the tournament Kaiba is speaking of.

See, Kaiba needs a partner for the Kaiba Corp 3-Legged-Race. Sadly, Mokuba decided he was too cool to be in this fan-fiction, so Kaiba had to search for somebody. Kabia strategically chose to look for a partner in a card show because we all know card shops have the single greatest athletes on the planet. Of course, only the winners in a card game are good enough to run with Kaiba. Of course, Kaiba is going to have to do something about Tom's physical features, which, as I myself have described, is horrible. It's hard to run with a 5'3, 378 pound man. For Kaiba's sake, lets hope all that excess weight is muscle.

 

 

Basically what I'm saying is, this story need detail, and an acceptable storyline. If Crab Helmet where here, Crab would say that the best way to improve this story, is to burn it. Feel glad I'm not Crab.

[/quote']

 

1. The characters are based off me and my freinds you jabroni.

if your oing to insult people make sure its orphaned godzilla >.<

[Grunt Issun]

1. If you had SAID what they looked like, he wouldnt have "Insulted you"

2. He has every right to make fun of your painfully bad fan-fic, and you for writing it.

3. funking LEARN TO TAKE CRITICIM YOU 4 YEAR OLD BABY. (I laughed at how bad my story was when crab helmet made fun of it, why cant you take ANY critiscm)

[Weather Report - Stand]

It's at times like these that I miss Kendo Fish...

 

Sadly, my sister decided that she didn't wanna be on this forum anymore, in order to put more effort into her Bakugan story (heh, it's like YGOGX TFF, but with Bakugan!!) and Jojo's Bizarre Adventure stories, because they're cool. And read Fullmetal Alchemist. And Toriko. Ect. So... sorry, but at least you have me! *Hugs, pushing head into my bosom* Wait, that didn't come out right.

 

Anyways, back to that criticism, did you pay any attention to what we said earlier? It seems like everybody BESIDES Maiboi99 looked at my review, which totally went beyond the point! My gosh, my SISTER is younger than you, and yet she makes AWESOME fanfiction, and was even known as a great reviewer! UGH! Refine your skills and get over it!

[Yankee]

I'd still expect you to understand the concept of commas.

I don't quite...understand what exactly is going on here...Not sure about the story...

Why is this kid dueling this guy?

Where is there no detail at all?

Is Jason 7'10' date=' and as skinny as a pencil?

Does Tom talk in a British accent, and is 5'3, and weighs 378 pounds?

Tom is obviously bald. Probably from the cancer that is the story. Too bad the therapy doesn't always work.

I also love the fact that you say "but never mind!"

The chapter itself is called "The Return of Kaiba", yet not one thing is said about him until the very end. Then he proceeds to provide us with MORE than enough information about his tournament, and asks the child of which we know nothing, other than his first name, to enter.

Fortunately, I know the tournament Kaiba is speaking of.

See, Kaiba needs a partner for the Kaiba Corp 3-Legged-Race. Sadly, Mokuba decided he was too cool to be in this fan-fiction, so Kaiba had to search for somebody. Kabia strategically chose to look for a partner in a card show because we all know card shops have the single greatest athletes on the planet. Of course, only the winners in a card game are good enough to run with Kaiba. Of course, Kaiba is going to have to do something about Tom's physical features, which, as I myself have described, is horrible. It's hard to run with a 5'3, 378 pound man. For Kaiba's sake, lets hope all that excess weight is muscle.

 

 

Basically what I'm saying is, this story need detail, and an acceptable storyline. If Crab Helmet where here, Crab would say that the best way to improve this story, is to burn it. Feel glad I'm not Crab.

[/quote']

 

1. The characters are based off me and my freinds you a******.

if your oing to insult people make sure its orphaned godzilla >.<

 

I lol'd

There is a 1., implying that there was more to come.

lol

 

Also, I told you, I was basically telling you that you needed detail. What I said up there that was "insulting" was just to show that, without description, can be taken in any way.

I'll make it easy to understand.

DETAIL. NOW.

 

Also, I love your sig!

I'm obviously a bad moderator because I said something "offending" to you in a fan fiction!

Don't you agree guys?! I'm a horrible excuse for a moderator ^_\\\

 

To answer your sigs question, yes, it is just you. (Maybe Alfred-Kun, but he's just angry because he knows he's wrong)

[Weather Report - Stand]

You're my favorite horrible mod ever. Not my favorite regular mod, but it's still a plus.