Limited Edition KING Posted July 9, 2010 Report Share Posted July 9, 2010 [align=center]=Prologue= "Lets see what we got ourselves into now. I just don't even understand it how,Could people get into this academy for duelists.When everybody there is a goddamned flourist? Argh! These lyrics are so damn crapI don't know why I even try to rap!Okay I just have to finish up this lapDamnit I wish I had brang a map. I'm lost I don't know where to goMan I really want to play yugioh!The game is so damn awful thoughBut at least its not as bad as this show" [spoiler=Chapter Index]Chapter 1: "The Jaden Maestro" posted on post #5 (Note: Future Chapters will be longer with more detail than this)[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolta Posted July 12, 2010 Report Share Posted July 12, 2010 Can't wait for all the action and stuff. Similiar to Abridged Series? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghoulish Posted July 12, 2010 Report Share Posted July 12, 2010 lol interesting uve done likeaabboraaaamaybe add some abab?or does that never get used? ill definatly read the chapters Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 13, 2010 Report Share Posted July 13, 2010 UUuuuhhhm... yeah, I can't say anything. I'd say that the rap sucked, but that was done on purpose. I can't say the story's better, because you didn't post anything. All I can say is that you'd better say SOMETHING soon, because it's been over half a week since you started this (currently dumb) topic. Show me something funny! Amaze me! Show me why I shouldn't have called the topic dumb! GOOOOOOOOOO!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Limited Edition KING Posted July 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2010 [spoiler=ZOMFG CHAPTER ONE IS FINISHED =D |PG-16| PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.][align=center]Chapter 1 - "The Jaden Maestro" “Yo, so I’m walking down the street working on my vocals, (yeah!)I’m running straight past all of these locals Why? Because my name is Jaden (Jaden)Don’t confuse it with Braden and or Baden (Jaden)Wait what the heck? There’s this guy (You say what?)THUD Oh no he made me drop my deck! (Oh god no)Why oh my god why Were you even standing right there? You really just came out of nowhere.” [/align] “You’re a duelist aren’t you?” Questioned an older man.“How did you know? Are you psychic? That means you’re a witch! Burn the witch!” Jaden rambled.“No I am not a witch I am a duelist.” The man answered calmly.“…. Stop lying about your wicked witchery.” Jaden told the man.“Just take this card and shut up.” The man shouted at Jaden ferociously.“Wow you made that card appear before you that proves you’re a witch!” Jaden explained.“Why do I even bother? Just take the damn card!” The man ordered.“Make me.” Jaden replied*Punches* The man hit Jaden with his right hand knocking Jaden out and planted a Winged Kuriboh card in Jaden’s hand. 30 minutes later“Um okay what the heck just happened? I think I am late for something… OH Snap that’s right the auditions! I can’t be late if I want to be the best card game rapper ever!” Jaden looked into his hand and saw a card that had ‘Winged Kuriboh’ as its name. “What the hell is this furball card image doing in my hand? Who gives me this garbage a horrible duelist must have given me this card because they hated it so much. Well I guess it’s time to run like Sonic the Hedgehog towards the auditions!” 10 minutes later.After ten exhausting minutes of running like sonic the Hedgehog Jaden had finally made it to the front doors of the building where auditions were being held. At the front door there was a guard and two receptionists besides him. “Roll out the red carpet beyatches the Jaden Maestro is here!” Jaden shouted at the guard.“Nope sorry no Jaden Maestro on the list here however there is a Jaden Yuki on the list have you seen him?” One of the receptionists asked. “Yep you’re looking at him right here front and centre oh and sorry about being late.” Jaden explained.“But you’re not late your actually quite early.” The other receptionist explained. “Well it doesn’t matter now because the Jaden Maestro is here!” Jaden explained.“Can you please stop calling yourself ‘Jaden Maestro’? “ The guard asked Jaden.“Can you please just let me in the damn building or am I gonna have to pop a cap in an ass?” Jaden asked in reply.“… Sure fine whatever.” The guard let Jaden through. “Hm now what rhymes with Golem, Trollem? No, Texas hold em? No, Solemn? Yes solemn I must write that down.” “Excuse me Mr. Professor Crowler!” The guard asked.“Did you just call me Mr.?” Professor Crowler asked the Guard.“Sorry I didn’t mean to upset you Mrs. Professor Crowler is Dr. Crowler home?” The guard asked mockingly.“You idiot you’re looking at him.” Dr. Crowler shouted.“Sorry but all I see is a transvestite.” The guard replied.“That’s it your fired!!!” Dr. Crowler shouted while the other teachers laughed at him.“WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?” Dr. Crowler shouted at the other teachers. Meanwhile “Man those entrance exams were e-a-z!” Jaden said to himself in front of a kid with Blue hair.“Oh so you’re a smartass huh? I don’t appreciate smartasses.” Said the blue haired kid.“Dude, do we have a problem?” Jaden asked.“Who the hell do you think you are talking so big?” The blue haired kid replied.“My names Jaden but my friends know me as the Jaden Maestro.” Jaden replied.“Wow what a sucky name mines Syrus Truesdale or better known as the Sly Maestro.” Syrus replied.“You asshat, you stole my nickname!” Jaden shouted at Syrus.“jabroni says what?” Syrus said in a fast matter.“What?” Jaden asked “Oh my god what a dumbass.” Syrus replied. JADEN YUKI PLEASE REPORT TO DUEL FIELD 4 YOUR AUDITION WILL TAKE PLACE THERE. The announcer said on the P/A system. “Sweet it’s time to show everyone why I’m called the Jaden Maestro!” Jaden said and walked down the stairs to the duel field. 5 minutes of slow walking later “Aha so you must be Jaden!” Dr. Crowler said as Jaden appeared.“Yeah and you must be that transvestite I’m always hearing screaming.” Jaden replied.“If I hear someone call me a transvestite one more time I am going to scream!” Dr. Crowler shouted.“You know that really doesn’t help your case there doc.” Jaden told Crowler. “Shut up and duel me!” Crowler told Jaden who seemed annoyed at this time.“Okay bring it!” Jaden shouted and activated his duel disk. [align=center] Duel Start!Jaden’s LP – 4000Crowler’s LP – 4000 “Alright so now it’s time to throw downI’m going fast don’t tell me to slow downRight next I will play two cardsPeople who can’t play are complete retardsYeah that’s right Crowler I’m talking ‘bout youSorry for the insults but it is all completely true.” [/align] Jaden received a few cheers and oh’s from that rap.“Oh so you think your better than me huh? Well I’ll make you pay.” [align=center]“So you’re walking in here talking that trash?”You’re going to wish that we never had this clashNow I set two cards face downAnd activate heavy storm now it’s time to drownI sacrifice both of these wicked tokensTo summon this beast that you have wokenIt used to be quiet and very much solemnBut now you’ve unleashed the wrath of Ancient Gear Golem!” Ancient Gear Golem LV 8 EARTHATK 3000DEF 3000 [/align] “Ancient Gear Golem attack Avian!” Crowler ordered his monster to attack which obliterated Jaden’s Avian. “Ha! Too bad it was in defense position!” Jaden boasted to Crowler.“Oh but that’s where you’re wrong! Ancient Gear Golem’s effect inflicts damage equal to the difference of its ATK and the defending monsters DEF! So you lose 2000 Life Points!” Crowler explained.“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Jaden screamed in agony as his life points dropped to 2000. “That’s it you asked for it. My turn DRAW” Jaden shouted. [align=center]“Okay time to get my game on!Now I’m gonna bring it on!First, I’ll activate a SpellWhich brings Avian back from hell.I summon Elemental Hero BurstinatrixNow be amazed at my bunch of tricks!I combine Avian and Burstinatrix with PolymerizationWow all this rhyming is making me lose concentrationAnyway I summon Elemental Hero Flame Wingman!He’s the leader of the Elemental Hero Clan!But that’s not all I activate SkyscraperNow right this down on a piece of paperIts effect gives my Heroes a 1000 ATK boostThat’s why they rule the roostWingman attack that Gear GolemSend it back into its holem!”[/align] Wingman’s effect makes the opponent lose life points equal to the opponents monsters ATK points so let’s do the math AGG ATK is 3000, Wingmans is 2100 with a 1000 boost so it’s 3100 Crowler loses 3100 LP ouch. [align=center] Crowler’s LP – 0Jaden’s LP – 2000Jaden Wins![/align] “How could I have been beaten by a mere rookie? That’s it one of these days I will get my revenge… REVENGE!!!” Crowler shouted and ran presumably crying. “You see that now that’s why I’m called the Jaden Maestro huh? Where is everybody?” Jaden looked around and seemed annoyed that nobody was there. “DAMNIT EVERYONE LEFT!” End Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted July 13, 2010 Report Share Posted July 13, 2010 I enjoyed it King. Keep it up! As a quick word of advice, instead of all speech and rap, actually add a story. A funny story, of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 13, 2010 Report Share Posted July 13, 2010 Okay, now that you've posted something, it's time for me, as an ameteur comedy writer, to analyze this man's brand of humor and give my opinion! WEATHER REPORT, ACTIVAAAAAATE!! [spoiler=ZOMFG CHAPTER ONE IS FINISHED =D |PG-16| PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.][align=center]Chapter 1 - "The Jaden Maestro"... The maestro of Jaden? Don't get the title' date=' but that's done on purpose, and also I'm looking far too into this.[/color']“Yo, so I’m walking down the street working on my vocals, (yeah!)I’m running straight past all of these locals Why? Because my name is Jaden (Jaden)Don’t confuse it with Braden and or Baden (Jaden)Wait what the heck? There’s this guy (You say what?)THUD Oh no he made me drop my deck! (Oh god no)Why oh my god why Were you even standing right there? You really just came out of nowhere.” [/align]Hooray, the first scene! I actually like the rap bit.“You’re a duelist aren’t you?” Questioned an older man. Oop, shrink the 'q'.“How did you know? Are you psychic? That means you’re a witch! Burn the witch!” Jaden rambled. That joke wasn't too good. Try again.“No I am not a witch I am a duelist.” The man answered calmly.Bad grammar... on purpose? YOU be the judge!“…. Stop lying about your wicked witchery.” Jaden told the man. Change the period into a comma. Yes, even a comedy needs good grammar unless it's a character trait.“Just take this card and shut up.” The man shouted at Jaden ferociously.That should be an exclamation point in order to excentuate how angry he is.“Wow you made that card appear before you that proves you’re a witch!” Jaden explained. Grammar and humor needs help here.“Why do I even bother? Just take the damn card!” The man ordered.“Make me.” Jaden replied Yeah, you could be okay if the grammar was widespread but rare, but no, it's not working so far.*Punches* The man hit Jaden with his right hand knocking Jaden out and planted a Winged Kuriboh card in Jaden’s hand. You could've made that a nice, meaty 'SMACK' sound. 30 minutes later“Um okay what the heck just happened? I think I am late for something… OH Snap that’s right the auditions! I can’t be late if I want to be the best card game rapper ever!” Jaden looked into his hand and saw a card that had ‘Winged Kuriboh’ as its name. That wasn't funny, and you should ALWAYS use contactions! That 'I am' is really bothering me here, because it makes Jaden sound like he's some sort of noble! That doesn't work! “What the hell is this furball card image doing in my hand? Who gives me this garbage a horrible duelist must have given me this card because they hated it so much. Well I guess it’s time to run like Sonic the Hedgehog towards the auditions!” Yous speech writing hurts. If it's not only for Jaden, I'll have to hit somebody. And the Sonic thing wasn't funny at all. We all saw it coming! So yeah, stay away from obvious jokes and put more thought into them. 10 minutes later.After ten exhausting minutes of running like sonic the Hedgehog Jaden had finally made it to the front doors of the building where auditions were being held. At the front door there was a guard and two receptionists besides him. Yeeeeeeeaaah, your grammar and style need A LOT of work. This feels so choppy that I can barely hang on without going into a long, drawn-out sermon on grammar. “Roll out the red carpet beyatches the Jaden Maestro is here!” Jaden shouted at the guard.“Nope sorry no Jaden Maestro on the list here however there is a Jaden Yuki on the list have you seen him?” One of the receptionists asked. SMACK!! Take that, damn receptionist!! I'm not even going to go into the bad quality here. “Yep you’re looking at him right here front and centre oh and sorry about being late.” Jaden explained.“But you’re not late your actually quite early.” The other receptionist explained. OW!! “Well it doesn’t matter now because the Jaden Maestro is here!” Jaden explained.“Can you please stop calling yourself ‘Jaden Maestro’? “ The guard asked Jaden.“Can you please just let me in the damn building or am I gonna have to pop a cap in an ass?” Jaden asked in reply.“… Sure fine whatever.” The guard let Jaden through. OOF!! “Hm now what rhymes with Golem, Trollem? No, Texas hold em? No, Solemn? Yes solemn I must write that down.” “Excuse me Mr. Professor Crowler!” The guard asked.“Did you just call me Mr.?” Professor Crowler asked the Guard.“Sorry I didn’t mean to upset you Mrs. Professor Crowler is Dr. Crowler home?” The guard asked mockingly.“You idiot you’re looking at him.” Dr. Crowler shouted.“Sorry but all I see is a transvestite.” The guard replied.“That’s it your fired!!!” Dr. Crowler shouted while the other teachers laughed at him.“WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?” Dr. Crowler shouted at the other teachers. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! THIS IS SO BAD!! I'm not laughing! You gotta handle the obvious jokes in original ways! And use original jokes whenever you can! This... THIS BUUUUUUURNS!! Meanwhile “Man those entrance exams were e-a-z!” Jaden said to himself in front of a kid with Blue hair.“Oh so you’re a smartass huh? I don’t appreciate smartasses.” Said the blue haired kid.“Dude, do we have a problem?” Jaden asked.“Who the hell do you think you are talking so big?” The blue haired kid replied.“My names Jaden but my friends know me as the Jaden Maestro.” Jaden replied.“Wow what a sucky name mines Syrus Truesdale or better known as the Sly Maestro.” Syrus replied.“You asshat, you stole my nickname!” Jaden shouted at Syrus.“b**** says what?” Syrus said in a fast matter.“What?” Jaden asked “Oh my god what a dumbass.” Syrus replied. I like how you treated Syrus, but I still can't get with the story through its horrible... well, you know... JADEN YUKI PLEASE REPORT TO DUEL FIELD 4 YOUR AUDITION WILL TAKE PLACE THERE. The announcer said on the P/A system. “Sweet it’s time to show everyone why I’m called the Jaden Maestro!” Jaden said and walked down the stairs to the duel field. Dammit, this paragraph really accentuates how inexperienced you are. 5 minutes of slow walking later “Aha so you must be Jaden!” Dr. Crowler said as Jaden appeared.“Yeah and you must be that transvestite I’m always hearing screaming.” Jaden replied.“If I hear someone call me a transvestite one more time I am going to scream!” Dr. Crowler shouted.“You know that really doesn’t help your case there doc.” Jaden told Crowler. "... Uuuuuuurrrrrrgggghhh," groans Weather Report. “Shut up and duel me!” Crowler told Jaden who seemed annoyed at this time.“Okay bring it!” Jaden shouted and activated his duel disk. [align=center] Duel Start!Jaden’s LP – 4000Crowler’s LP – 4000 “Alright so now it’s time to throw downI’m going fast don’t tell me to slow downRight next I will play two cardsPeople who can’t play are complete retardsYeah that’s right Crowler I’m talking ‘bout youSorry for the insults but it is all completely true.” [/align] Yes, you're good at these parts. Everything else falls flat. The raps are pretty good, though then again I know nothing of rap. Maybe the raps are bad, too. I wouldn't know. Jaden received a few cheers and oh’s from that rap.“Oh so you think your better than me huh? Well I’ll make you pay.” [align=center]“So you’re walking in here talking that trash?”You’re going to wish that we never had this clashNow I set two cards face downAnd activate heavy storm now it’s time to drownI sacrifice both of these wicked tokensTo summon this beast that you have wokenIt used to be quiet and very much solemnBut now you’ve unleashed the wrath of Ancient Gear Golem!” Oh snap. But the 'drown' feels so out of place. It rhymes, but sounds somehow lazy. Ancient Gear Golem LV 8 EARTHATK 3000DEF 3000 [/align] “Ancient Gear Golem attack Avian!” Crowler ordered his monster to attack which obliterated Jaden’s Avian. “Ha! Too bad it was in defense position!” Jaden boasted to Crowler.“Oh but that’s where you’re wrong! Ancient Gear Golem’s effect inflicts damage equal to the difference of its ATK and the defending monsters DEF! So you lose 2000 Life Points!” Crowler explained.“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Jaden screamed in agony as his life points dropped to 2000. Well... here we go back to the low-quality. “That’s it you asked for it. My turn DRAW” Jaden shouted. And there goes the bad quality. [align=center]“Okay time to get my game on!Now I’m gonna bring it on!First, I’ll activate a SpellWhich brings Avian back from hell.I summon Elemental Hero BurstinatrixNow be amazed at my bunch of tricks!I combine Avian and Burstinatrix with PolymerizationWow all this rhyming is making me lose concentrationAnyway I summon Elemental Hero Flame Wingman!He’s the leader of the Elemental Hero Clan!But that’s not all I activate SkyscraperNow right this down on a piece of paperIts effect gives my Heroes a 1000 ATK boostThat’s why they rule the roostWingman attack that Gear GolemSend it back into its holem!”[/align] Lines 6 and 10 don't do anything for me. Wingman’s effect makes the opponent lose life points equal to the opponents monsters ATK points so let’s do the math AGG ATK is 3000, Wingmans is 2100 with a 1000 boost so it’s 3100 Crowler loses 3100 LP ouch. Hunh?! [align=center] Crowler’s LP – 0Jaden’s LP – 2000Jaden Wins![/align] “How could I have been beaten by a mere rookie? That’s it one of these days I will get my revenge… REVENGE!!!” Crowler shouted and ran presumably crying. So we've learned your true strong suit. “You see that now that’s why I’m called the Jaden Maestro huh? Where is everybody?” Jaden looked around and seemed annoyed that nobody was there. “DAMNIT EVERYONE LEFT!” ... That last paragraph wasn't too funny. End SOOOOOOO.... this story would be a complete waste of time if it weren't for the rapping. That was pretty tight. The rest is garbage. You need to perfect your grammar in conversation, or else everybody sounds like they're talking in a rushed monotone. And we don't want that. So yeah, work on EVERYTHING you can in writing, but keep your rapping skills sharp. I'll give it 4 jelly-filled donuts out of ten-point-five. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Limited Edition KING Posted July 14, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 14, 2010 Well I'm happy that the rapping was a strong part as in my view it will be an important part of the fanfic. I obviously have some areas to work on though however. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 14, 2010 Report Share Posted July 14, 2010 Yeah, well I don't doubt that you'll be able to work on them as you go, because I like your style. I can see you have some promise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted July 16, 2010 Report Share Posted July 16, 2010 [align=center]=Prologue=So the gimmick here is a rapping character. Well' date=' if that's the gimmick, the author worked hard on making the lyrics, right?[/b'] "Lets see what we got ourselves into now. I just don't even understand it how,Could people get into this academy for duelists.When everybody there is a goddamned flourist? I spoke too soon. Seriously? Calling everyone a flourist florist? Argh! These lyrics are so damn crapI don't know why I even try to rap! The author is insulting himself. That makes everything better, right? No. Instead of pointing out your mistakes, how about fixing them? Okay I just have to finish up this lapDamnit I wish I had brang a map. Is the character running or something? And...Had brang? Now I'm sure this wasn't spell-checked. I'm lost I don't know where to goMan I really want to play yugioh! Yu-Gi-Oh! isn't even capitalized, let alone hyphenated. The game is so damn awful thoughBut at least its not as bad as this show" The character wants to play a game which he thinks is terrible. Then the character goes on to insult the story even more. Amazing.[/align][spoiler=ZOMFG CHAPTER ONE IS FINISHED =D |PG-16| PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.][align=center]Chapter 1 - "The Jaden Maestro" “Yo' date=' so I’m walking down the street working on my vocals, (yeah!)I’m running straight past all of these locals [b']He says he was walking, then he says he was running. Amazing. Why? Because my name is Jaden (Jaden)Don’t confuse it with Braden and or Baden (Jaden) ...Seriously, you're working too hard on the rhymes. Wait what the heck? There’s this guy (You say what?)THUD Oh no he made me drop my deck! (Oh god no) I love how he continues to rap while bumping into a guy. He even made an onomatopoeia. Amazing. Why oh my god why Were you even standing right there? You really just came out of nowhere.” Well maybe if you weren't running walking moving while thinking of lyrics for your rap, you would have noticed him.[/align] “You’re a duelist aren’t you?” Questioned an older man.“How did you know? Are you psychic? That means you’re a witch! Burn the witch!” Jaden rambled. Jaden finds it odd that IN A WORLD WHERE DUEL MONSTERS=LIFE a man knows he's a duelist. Not to mention he dropped his deck, too. “No I am not a witch I am a duelist.” The man answered calmly.“…. Stop lying about your wicked witchery.” Jaden told the man. Seriously, this isn't funny. “Just take this card and shut up.” The man shouted at Jaden ferociously.“Wow you made that card appear before you that proves you’re a witch!” Jaden explained. Man: Here, have this card because I always give cards to people who bump and scream at me.Jaden: WITCH!!!ONE!!111!!! “Why do I even bother? Just take the damn card!” The man ordered.“Make me.” Jaden replied*Punches* The man hit Jaden with his right hand knocking Jaden out and planted a Winged Kuriboh card in Jaden’s hand. Jaden: I don't take FREE cards from witches!Man: Take the FREE CAR or I'll shoot you with a gun! 30 minutes later I love it. In a street full of people, a guy punches another guy. The guy is knocked out for THIRTY MINUTES, and nobody helps him. Amazing. “Um okay what the heck just happened? I think I am late for something… OH Snap that’s right the auditions! I can’t be late if I want to be the best card game rapper ever!” Jaden looked into his hand and saw a card that had ‘Winged Kuriboh’ as its name. Talking to yourself is a great way to show exposition! Amazing. “What the hell is this furball card image doing in my hand? Who gives me this garbage a horrible duelist must have given me this card because they hated it so much. Well I guess it’s time to run like Sonic the Hedgehog towards the auditions!” *Rolls eyes* 10 minutes later.After ten exhausting minutes of running like sonic the Hedgehog Jaden had finally made it to the front doors of the building where auditions were being held. At the front door there was a guard and two receptionists besides him. You don't use the same simile TWO SENTENCES IN A ROW. “Roll out the red carpet beyatches the Jaden Maestro is here!” Jaden shouted at the guard.“Nope sorry no Jaden Maestro on the list here however there is a Jaden Yuki on the list have you seen him?” One of the receptionists asked. The dialogue is amazing. A huge egomaniac is very likable character. Again, amazing. “Yep you’re looking at him right here front and centre oh and sorry about being late.” Jaden explained.“But you’re not late your actually quite early.” The other receptionist explained. *Insert boring and generic dialogue here* “Well it doesn’t matter now because the Jaden Maestro is here!” Jaden explained.“Can you please stop calling yourself ‘Jaden Maestro’? “ The guard asked Jaden.“Can you please just let me in the damn building or am I gonna have to pop a cap in an ass?” Jaden asked in reply.“… Sure fine whatever.” The guard let Jaden through. Guard: I let everyone who threatens me in! “Hm now what rhymes with Golem, Trollem? No, Texas hold em? No, Solemn? Yes solemn I must write that down.” *Insert random and boring dialogue that wouldn't matter if you took it out of the story since it doesn't even progress the plot* “Excuse me Mr. Professor Crowler!” The guard asked.“Did you just call me Mr.?” Professor Crowler asked the Guard.“Sorry I didn’t mean to upset you Mrs. Professor Crowler is Dr. Crowler home?” The guard asked mockingly.“You idiot you’re looking at him.” Dr. Crowler shouted. Then why did you ask him if he just called you "Mr.", you idiot. Gah, the dialogue is amazing. “Sorry but all I see is a transvestite.” The guard replied.“That’s it your fired!!!” Dr. Crowler shouted while the other teachers laughed at him.“WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?” Dr. Crowler shouted at the other teachers. Guard: I always get fired in my job just for the sake of being funny!Dr. Crowler: I ask people what they're laughing at when I already know! Meanwhile “Man those entrance exams were e-a-z!” Jaden said to himself in front of a kid with Blue hair.“Oh so you’re a smartass huh? I don’t appreciate smartasses.” Said the blue haired kid.“Dude, do we have a problem?” Jaden asked.“Who the hell do you think you are talking so big?” The blue haired kid replied.“My names Jaden but my friends know me as the Jaden Maestro.” Jaden replied.“Wow what a sucky name mines Syrus Truesdale or better known as the Sly Maestro.” Syrus replied.“You asshat, you stole my nickname!” Jaden shouted at Syrus.“b**** says what?” Syrus said in a fast matter.“What?” Jaden asked “Oh my god what a dumbass.” Syrus replied. I'm pretty sure Syrus doesn't act like that. Even if this is a comedy, you still have to relate to the series. More generic dialogue is amazing. JADEN YUKI PLEASE REPORT TO DUEL FIELD 4 YOUR AUDITION WILL TAKE PLACE THERE. The announcer said on the P/A system. KING MATRIX PLEASE HAVE PROPER GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION. Twig said on the P/A system. “Sweet it’s time to show everyone why I’m called the Jaden Maestro!” Jaden said and walked down the stairs to the duel field. I liked the part where he goes down the stairs and to the duel field. It was action packed and not boring at all. 5 minutes of slow walking later He should have ran like Sonic the hedgehog. I can totally visualize a guy slowly walking for five minutes. It wouldn't make me fall asleep. “Aha so you must be Jaden!” Dr. Crowler said as Jaden appeared.“Yeah and you must be that transvestite I’m always hearing screaming.” Jaden replied.“If I hear someone call me a transvestite one more time I am going to scream!” Dr. Crowler shouted.“You know that really doesn’t help your case there doc.” Jaden told Crowler. Crowler: I'll scream at anyone who calls me a transvestite! Aren't you already screaming? Crowler: ...SCREAAMMMMM! “Shut up and duel me!” Crowler told Jaden who seemed annoyed at this time.“Okay bring it!” Jaden shouted and activated his duel disk. I'm surprised he didn't say "Get your game on!" As if this couldn't get anymore boring dialogue. [align=center] Duel Start!Jaden’s LP – 4000Crowler’s LP – 4000 Well at least there's no bad rapping. “Alright so now it’s time to throw downI’m going fast don’t tell me to slow downRight next I will play two cardsPeople who can’t play are complete retardsYeah that’s right Crowler I’m talking ‘bout youSorry for the insults but it is all completely true.” [/align] Damn. Wait, the lyrics are actually half-decent. Maybe this won't be so bad after a- Jaden received a few cheers and oh’s from that rap.“Oh so you think your better than me huh? Well I’ll make you pay.” Ahhhh! More generic dialogue! [align=center]“So you’re walking in here talking that trash?” Wait, who's talking here? You’re going to wish that we never had this clashNow I set two cards face downAnd activate heavy storm now it’s time to drown Wait, wouldn't Heavy Storm destroy the cards he set down? I sacrifice both of these wicked tokensTo summon this beast that you have woken I have no idea what's happening. Somehow, this person talking got wicked tokens out of no where. It used to be quiet and very much solemnBut now you’ve unleashed the wrath of Ancient Gear Golem!” Ancient Gear Golem LV 8 EARTHATK 3000DEF 3000 [/align] This fanfic is very original and amazing. “Ancient Gear Golem attack Avian!” Crowler ordered his monster to attack which obliterated Jaden’s Avian. Wait, Jaden had an Avian? Since when? “Ha! Too bad it was in defense position!” Jaden boasted to Crowler.“Oh but that’s where you’re wrong! Ancient Gear Golem’s effect inflicts damage equal to the difference of its ATK and the defending monsters DEF! So you lose 2000 Life Points!” Crowler explained.“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Jaden screamed in agony as his life points dropped to 2000. Because holograms hurt. “That’s it you asked for it. My turn DRAW” Jaden shouted. I can't take anymore generic dialogue. Agnes: IT'S SO GENERIC, I'M GOING TO DIE. [align=center]“Okay time to get my game on!Now I’m gonna bring it on! Damn, he actually said it. First, I’ll activate a SpellWhich brings Avian back from hell.I summon Elemental Hero BurstinatrixNow be amazed at my bunch of tricks!I combine Avian and Burstinatrix with PolymerizationWow all this rhyming is making me lose concentration Well then stop rhyming. I found the last part to be unnecessary. Well at least this paragraph was not so generic. Anyway I summon Elemental Hero Flame Wingman!He’s the leader of the Elemental Hero Clan!But that’s not all I activate SkyscraperNow right this down on a piece of paperIts effect gives my Heroes a 1000 ATK boostThat’s why they rule the roostWingman attack that Gear GolemSend it back into its holem!” This is another half-decent part, but since we all what's going to happen, there's no excitement. It's not funny either.[/align] Wingman’s effect makes the opponent lose life points equal to the opponents monsters ATK points so let’s do the math AGG ATK is 3000, Wingmans is 2100 with a 1000 boost so it’s 3100 Crowler loses 3100 LP ouch. [align=center] Crowler’s LP – 0Jaden’s LP – 2000Jaden Wins![/align] I thought they started with 4000 life points. I don't understand. Jaden: Do you know that card that witch gave me? It gave me witch powers! Ahh. I get it now. This story's logic is truly amazing. “How could I have been beaten by a mere rookie? That’s it one of these days I will get my revenge… REVENGE!!!” Crowler shouted and ran presumably crying. DRAMATIC FORESHADOWING IS DRAMATIC “You see that now that’s why I’m called the Jaden Maestro huh? Where is everybody?” Jaden looked around and seemed annoyed that nobody was there. “DAMNIT EVERYONE LEFT!” Everyone left because it was such a horrible story. The dialogue in many parts was boring. No emotions, no personality, nothing. Jaden is an egomaniac who thinks he raps well. I'm sure everyone loves him. For those who've watched GX or read other fanfics of GX, most of this is just a repeat with the added rapping which is only half-decent. The grammar and punctuation wasn't good either. Most of what was suppose to be funny wasn't funny. All in all, this fanfic was amazing. End Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 17, 2010 Report Share Posted July 17, 2010 Actually Twig, I agree on most things, but you DID forget to notice that even the rapping is played for laughs. So yeah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Limited Edition KING Posted July 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2010 BUMP I'm working on Chapter 2 but school's back and I won't be able to get much work done on it >_< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Limited Edition KING Posted July 29, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2010 BUMP Chapter 2 is coming slower than I thought >_< Try to get some work done tomorrow or over the weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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