John A. Zoidberg Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 Got this idea a couple years back. Finally decided to make it.Tell me what you think :D [spoiler=A Divided World][spoiler=Prologue] There he stood, staring at the moon. It was full that night. There was a somewhat eerily familiar beauty about it that night. It felt as though the moon was staring back a him. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. “Come in!” he said, without taking his eyes of the moon. The man who knocked on the door entered. “Hello, sir,” the man said. “Oh, it’s you. Tell me, Sir Christopher, why are you here?” he asked the man who’d just walked in. “Sir, how long have you been a general for?” Christopher asked. “10 years,” he said, “Is this going anywhere? Or is it just small talk?” Suddenly, the sound of a sword being unsheathed was heard. “You see, General Isaac Prievall, I think that 10 years is far too many,” Christopher said, approaching Isaac with a drawn sword. “C…Christopher!” Isaac yelled in fear, “Why are you doing this?” “I’ve been crawling my way up for years, and I’m not going to let it get taken away. You are the oldest. The most feeble. The most foolish,” Christopher said, with a grimly evil smile, “I’m doing Seeruth a favor in getting rid of you. You’re a joke… And with you gone, I’m next in line to be a general.” Isaac drew his sword. “Christopher, you won’t kill me without a fight!” Isaac yelled. Christopher lunged and hit Isaac’s sword away. “You old fool,” Christopher said, “Seeruth will be mine, whether you want it to be or not!” Christopher swiftly stabbed Issac through the chest. “No…” Issac said, falling to one knee. “It’s a pity you won’t be alive long enough to see me command this country,” Christopher said. Christopher swung his blade once more. It made contact with Isaac’s throat. Isaac feel to the ground, cold and lifeless. As Christopher left the room, the full moon stared at Isaac’s corpse. [spoiler=Part 1: Civil][spoiler=Chapter 1: Isaac] He stood there at his fathers grave, his medium length, brown hair somewhat swayed in the gentle autumn breeze. “It’s been 15 years…” he said, mourning, “No one knows how, no one cares why…. My father is but a memory.” His light blue eyes shed a single tear as he stood up and walked away. He walked into his home to find his mother. “Oh, hello Isaac,” she said. “Hello, mother,” Isaac said, faking a smile. “Where were you all this time?” she asked him. Isaac stayed quiet, but his mother could read his eyes. “You were at his grave…” she said, looking sympathetic, “I’d give my life to know what happened to him. You were only 6 years old at the time… Sir Christopher ran off to tell the king that he’d been murdered. Christopher swore on his life he hadn’t killed your father.” “Sir Christopher?” Isaac said, “I haven’t heard of him.” “Today, you know him as King Christopher,” his mother replied. Isaac sat down, “I’d give my life, too.” Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Isaac walked over and opened it to find his fathers old friend, Marcus Lenaugh. “Marcus… what are you doing here?” Isaac’s mother asked. “I have a message from the king,” Marcus answered. “What…? The king?” Isaac thought to himself. “It says,‘Dear Mrs. Prievall, Your son, Isaac has hereby been drafted into the Seeruth army due to troubles against our neighboring countries, Draym and Lerios. I am hereby sorry for any troubles this may have caused you or your son,Sincerely,King Christopher Mainus.’” “What?!” Isaac yelled. “I’m sorry, Isaac,” Marcus said sympathetically, “I would change this if I could, but I have no authority in situations like this. The king expects to see you by tomorrow night. I’m sorry…” Marcus left, leaving Isaac to his thoughts. “Mother,” Isaac said, “What should I do?” “You have no other choice,” she said sadly, “You have to go to war.” [spoiler=Part 2: Rise] [spoiler=Part 3: Demonic] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthSuhail Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 EPIC dude, that was awesome! Please, please write the rest. +1 Rep! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John A. Zoidberg Posted August 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 Thanks!I will definitely. I'll probably be done up to chapter 2 by the end of the night.I'm planning on having at least 10 chapters in each part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthSuhail Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 Thanks!I will definitely. I'll probably be done up to chapter 2 by the end of the night.I'm planning on having at least 10 chapters in each part. No problem dude, I'll be sure to check out em out, Im looking forward to more excellence xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erinyes Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 The prologue was okay; it's a little too short to judge. Some sentences are a little awkward and interrupt the flow of the story. Hopefully in Chapter 1 you can give the reader more of a feel of the world where this story takes place. Seems promising though, I'll be checking back for the next few chapters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John A. Zoidberg Posted August 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 Thanks, I will.The prologue was just more a way to set a the basis of which the story will follow, like, as in what caused everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 Description would be nice. Both the Prologue and Chapter 1 are short and filled with dialogue. His mom crying when they were told Isaac was going to war would be more believable than his mom just saying "You have to go" sadly. Again, more description. I have no idea what Isaac looks like. All I know is that he has brown hair and blue eyes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John A. Zoidberg Posted August 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 I'm trying to progressively describe the characters in the story rather than writing a paragraph saying:"He's tall, has blue eyes, dark hair, etc."And as far as the short chapters, I'm planning on having approx. 30, so they're not all going to be long. Also, seeing as those are the first 2 chapters, they're not going to be the most lengthly in the story.And I'll think about that thing you said about Isaac's mom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 I read the prologue... but sad to say, it's WAY Too short. Also, I'm pretty sure you aren't allowed to do it how you do it, but instead in paragraph form. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John A. Zoidberg Posted August 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 What's the way I did it?It was in paragraphs when I wrote it in word, but it transferred in to the way it is now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted August 13, 2010 Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 Just go through and put it back. It'll only take a few minutes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John A. Zoidberg Posted August 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2010 I would but tab doesn't work on YCM for me D: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yingyangchild Posted August 14, 2010 Report Share Posted August 14, 2010 I agree with the rest of them but all I'll add (idk if you might consider me a psh for this but oh well) is that you have a bit of typos and some of the word placements, to me, would sound better shifted around. But yeah, ignoring the length, I still liked it =D. Oh and one more thing haha....um when I was reading the Prologue (don't worry this isn't going to be negative I'm just talking about something random that happened) Christopher reminded me of King Bradley (Fullmetal Alchemist) and I imagined Edward Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist) when I thought of Isaac xP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John A. Zoidberg Posted August 14, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2010 I don't watch FMA, but whatever. Thanks for commenting :DAnd yeah, I'll make all edits and changes to the story once I finish writing part 1.When I edit, I like to do it in bulk, that way I can get it ALL done in 2-3 sittings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yingyangchild Posted August 14, 2010 Report Share Posted August 14, 2010 I'm trying to progressively describe the characters in the story rather than writing a paragraph saying:"He's tall, has blue eyes, dark hair, etc."And as far as the short chapters, I'm planning on having approx. 30, so they're not all going to be long. Also, seeing as those are the first 2 chapters, they're not going to be the most lengthly in the story.And I'll think about that thing you said about Isaac's mom. (reaction to the first line) Good, I prefer it that way =D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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