Nathanael D. Striker Posted August 27, 2010 Report Share Posted August 27, 2010 [spoiler=Prologue] The story I’m about to tell you happened a long time ago. Back when the streets of Domino City were filled with duelists from all walks of life. Each one of those duelist had one goal in mind and that was to be the next champion. The champion knew that he had contenders all over the city. To solve his problem, he started a special tournament. The winner received a shot at his championship. As news spread of the tournament, thugs started attacking innocent duelists during the night so they had a better chance of winning the tournament. Then a brave duelist came to the city. He wanted what all the other duelists wanted, but he was different. His name was Jonathan Jacobson.[/spoiler] [spoiler=Jonathan‘s Arrival Part 1] [I]I wonder what all this buzz is about.[/I] Jonathan just stepped into the Town Square. He could see duelists and officials as far as his eyes could see. [I]This looks like some sort of dueling tournament here. I guess I’m in the right spot for a duel.[/I] Jonathan didn’t know much about this tournament except that the winner faces the champion, Nathan Stephenson. Jonathan was unaware he was going when he tripped a nine year old kid. “Hey you!” shouted the nine year old. “Someone needs to teach you some manners! So I challenge you to a duel!” The kid was five feet tall in height. His duel disk wasn’t average. He came from a rich family so his duel disk was crusted with diamonds. “So, you want to duel me or not? Choose your answer because I don’t have all day.” He also got the rich attitude down from his rudeness. “Alright kid,” said Jonathan as he opened his briefcase to reveal his custom made duel disk. “I have to warn you, I‘m not like other duelists.” At first glance, you could tell Jonathan’s duel disk wasn’t like the others. His had an extra slot for removed from play monsters since he always lost the cards he needed when he put them in his pocket. That would always tell people what he had planned.. “So what is your name?” “The name is Mike Ta’on,” said the kid. “Got it memorized?” Both duelists out their decks in their duel disks and activated them. [I]I’m so going to win. This newcomer will regret coming here.[/I] thought Mike. They both drew their 5 cards and the duel began. [u]Jonathan Jacobson: 4000 Life Points Mike Ta‘on: 4000 Life Points[/u] “I go first you spoiled little kid,” said Jonathan as he drew a card from his deck. [I]Just the hand I needed. Let me see if he can stop me.[/I] “I summon ‘D.D. Survivor’ in Attack Position,” said Jonathan as he laid the card down. The monster had a torn cloak and looked like a warrior that barely escaped death. “I activate Dimensional Fissure. I then put 1 face-down and end my turn.” [I]Let me see what he has to offer. I already have “Dimensional Fissure” in my hand. He won’t know what is coming.[/I] [u]Jonathan[/u] Hand: 3 Monsters: D.D. Survivor S/T: 1 Face-Down, Dimensional Fissure Life Points: 4000 “That all?” asked Mike as he drew his card. “That was pathetic you know.” The kid took a breath and placed a card on his duel disk. “Since I have no monsters on my field I can Special Summon ‘Cyber Dragon." Cyber Dragon was a grey machine dragon. It had razor sharp teeth and armor of steel. Its eyes were cold and heartless like a cold winter night. “D.D. Survivor” was no match for it. “Now, ‘Cyber Dragon’ attack ‘D.D. Survivor’!” “Cyber Dragon” was about to make his attack. As the blast was about to hit “D.D. Survivor“, Jonathan acted. “I play my face-down, Dimensional Prison!” replied Jonathan. “Your ‘Cyber Dragon’ is now removed from play!” Jonathan was glad that ‘Cyber Dragon’ was off the field, but he was thinking that his opponent might have another ‘Cyber Dragon’ since no duelist in their right mind would run a single ‘Cyber Dragon’. “I put 1 card face-down and end my turn,” told Mike. “Hope you are up for the challenge newcomer.” [I]Is this a D.D. Deck I’m facing? This is going to be fun. I can’t wait to crush this deck and move on to the next round. Too bad he won‘t be moving on.[/I] [u]Mike Ta’on[/u] Hand: 4 Monsters: None S/T: 1 Face-Down Life Points: 4000 “I draw then,” said Jonathan as he grabbed another card from his Deck. “I summon “D.D. Scout Plane”. I then play Mystical Space Typhoon from my hand. Say good bye to your face-down.” The typhoon headed to Mike’s face-down and destroyed it. The card that was destroyed was Mirror Force. “Now, I can attack you directly!” Both D.D. monsters attacked Mike making him lose 2600 Life Points. “I end my turn.” [u]Jonathan[/u] Hand: 1 Monsters: D.D. Survivor, D.D. Scout Plane S/T: 1 Face-Down, Dimensional Fissure Life Points: 4000 [u]Mike Ta’on[/u] Hand: 4 Monsters: None S/T: None Life Points: 1400 “Good move newcomer,” said Mike with an annoying smile. “I draw! I activate ‘Power Bond’ from my hand and use it on the four Machine-Type monsters I have in my hand.” Mike proceeded to place his Machine-Type monsters on his duel disk. One of them was another ‘Cyber Dragon’. “I fuse my Machines to Fusion Summon ‘Chimeratech Overdragon!’. Suddenly, a dragon with six heads appeared on the field. It had steel armor with yellow plates. “Normally, my Overdragon would have 2400 Attack and Defense Points, but thanks to ‘Power Bond’ its ATK is doubled.” ‘Chimeratech Overdragon’ had a total of 4800 ATK. That could easily destroy ‘D.D. Scout Plane’ and defeat Jonathan. “Overdragon, attack ‘D.D. Survivor!” With that, six blasts came from the mouths of ‘Chimeratech Overdragon’. They hit Jonathan and he took 3000 points of damage. [u]Jonathan[/u] Hand: 1 Monsters: D.D. Scout Plane S/T: 1 Face-Down, Dimensional Fissure Life Points: 1000 “Now attack Scout Plane, Overdragon.” Six more blasts came out. It looked like the end until Jonathan reacted. “I activate the Trap Card ‘Negate Attack’!” said Jonathan out of desperation. “It negates your Overdragon’s attack and ends your Battle Phase.” “I don’t believe it,” said Mike. “That combo never fails. Good thing I have De-Fusion in my hand." Mike proceeded to activate his Spell Card. Overdragon went into another vortex. "Since you removed from play the monsters I fused to make Overdragon, I can't summon them. Yet, I can activate 'Monster Reborn' to reserect 'Cyber Dragon'." The mighty dragon came back onto the field looking madder then ever with his red eyes. "I end my turn Jonathan." At that point, "D.D. Survivor" came back on the field. [u]Jonathan[/u] Hand: 1 Monsters: D.D. Scout Plane, D.D. Survivor S/T: Dimensional Fissure Life Points: 1000 [u]Mike Ta'on[/u] Hand: 0 Monsters: Cyber Dragon S/T: None Life Points: 1400 "Your move will be your last Mike," said Jonathan as he drew his card. [i]Just what I needed, a poly.[/i] "I activate the Spell Card 'Polymerization' on Scout Plane and Survivor to create 'D.D. Bounty Hunter'!" A vortex appeared on the field engulfing Jonathan's two monsters. When the vortex left, Bounty Hunter was there. "Since Bounty Hunter's effect is optional I say we don't do what it requires. Now, Bounty Hunter attack 'Cyber Dragon'!" "D.D. Bounty Hunter" went on the attack and slashed his sword on the head of "Cyber Dragon" destroying it. "I end my turn." With that, Scout Plane and Survivor both came back on the field. [u]Jonathan[/u] Hand: 2 Monsters: D.D. Bounty Hunter, D.D. Scout Plane, D.D. Survivor S/T: Dimensional Fissure Life Points: 1000 [u]Mike Ta'on[/u] Hand: 1 Monsters: None S/T: None Life Points: 900 [i]I have my word cut out for me[/i] thought Mike as he drew his card. "I end my turn with a Face-Down," said Mike." "I draw," said Jonathan. "Survivor, attack Mike directly." Survivor did as it was told and attacked Mike. The duel was over. [u]Jonathan[/u] Hand: 3 Monsters: D.D. Bounty Hunter, D.D. Scout Plane, D.D. Survivor S/T: Dimensional Fissure Life Points: 1000 [u]Mike Ta'on[/u] Hand: 2 Monsters: None S/T: 1 Face-Down Life Points: 0 [/spoiler] [spoiler=Jonathan’s Arrival Part 2] After the duel, Mike had a weird face that was directed towards Jonathan. [I]I have seen his style once before. That is the style of my brother.[/I] Then the weird face disappeared as Mike showed his face-down. “My face-down was Solemn Judgment. Too bad I didn’t have it when you Summoned ‘D.D. Bounty Hunter’.” Then a tournament official came to where Mike and Jonathan were and said, “I was watching your duel from a distance and I’ve never seen anything like it.” Then he turned to Mike. “Did you give this boy his prize?” “I haven’t since he had nothing. He just arrived,” said Mike hoping to get Jonathan eliminated. However, the official had a smile on his face. It seemed he knew something about Jonathan’s arrival that Mike didn’t know. “I was told to give these to the late arrival,” said the official as he gave Jonathan a dueling glove and 2 diamond chips. He then turned to Mike. “Give him 2 of your chips. He won the duel and that is his prize.” Mike had an angry look as he took 2 of his 6 chips of his glove and gave them to Jonathan. “Until next time Jonathan,” said Mike as he went off to regain his chips. [I]He comes here and duels me. Then he gets 4 diamond chips for defeating me. This is not what I expected. The champion will not be pleased.[/I] “The sunset is upon us,” said the official. “Let me escort you to your hotel.” Both Jonathan and the official walked down to the end of the square. There was a blue hotel with the finest windows. When Jonathan walked in, it had the finest furniture and lights in the city. “Make yourself at home Jonathan,” said the official as he walked out. “You’ll need your rest for tomorrow.” Jonathan listened to the official and went to bed, ready for the next day.[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supreme Gamesmaster Posted August 27, 2010 Report Share Posted August 27, 2010 [quote name='Striker' timestamp='1282867234' post='4569408'] [spoiler=I don't know who to MyST this with, so I'm sticking with random snark à la Crab Helmet for now] [spoiler=Prologue] The story I’m about to tell you happened a long time ago. [b]A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...[/b] Back when the streets of Domino City were filled with duelists. [b]When weren't they?[/b] ach [b]Ach, Ohrenschmalz.[/b] duelist had one goal in mind. [b]Not a terribly diverse city, is it? Either that, or it's really, really small.[/b] That was to grab a shot of the championship. [b]Which championship is this?[/b] The champion knew that he had contenders all over the city. [b]Who is the champion? What's the championship?[/b] To solve his problem, he started a special tournament. The winner received a shot at his championship. [b]...wait. I'm having trouble parsing this. The title of "champion" implies that the champion's superiority is universally recognized. If Duelists are aiming for a championship, an officially sponsored event in which champions are chosen, then surely there must have been a tournament to begin with. So in order to solve the problem of there being lots of people clamoring for his spot in a tournament, the champion uses his enormous wealth and social influence (a problem in and on itself) to create another tournament to decide who got to fight the title of "champion" that must have been won in a tournament to begin with. What is this I don't even[/b] As news spread of the tournament, thugs started attacking innocent duelists so they had a better chance of winning the tournament. [b]...wait. I'm having trouble parsing this. The champion has enough wealth and status to create a tournament to fight for his title, despite the fact that he must have won that title by a tournament in the first place, but he doesn't bother supplementing police to make sure thugs don't go out and mug participants? More to the point, though, I suppose you're going to tell me the thugs will be Dueling these Duelists to make sure they had a better chance at winning the tournament... by giving the victim a look at their style of Dueling and an opportunity to train to the thug's level before the tournament actually starts.[/b] Chaos was everywhere. [b]It's like Pokémon except with the whole world.[/b] That was the case until a brave duelist came to the city. [b]...okay, show of hands, who saw this coming?[/b] His name was Jonathan Jacobson. [b]You can call him Striker.[/b][/spoiler] [spoiler=Jonathan‘s Arrival Part 1] [I]I wonder what all this buzz is about.[/I] [b]I'm guessing you're new in these parts, Striker. Fact is, all the Duelists in the land want a shot at the local champ, whose name ain't been disclosed despite the fact that he's rich 'n powerful enough to start a tourney that gives the winner a chance to face 'im. They're all clamorin' away, 'parently ignorin' the fact he can rig the thing and make 'imself face a foe he knows he can beat so as to preserve 'is wealth 'n status.[/b] Jonathan just stepped into the Town Square. That was the place where the majority of the duels happened. [b]See, this is what Crab means when she says 'show, don't tell.' I don't claim to be an expert at that, but I'm pretty sure I can do better than that. For one thing, you seem to be writing in third-person limited, so you should, rather than write the fact, write [s]your[/s] Jonathan's observations about the Town Square -- what it looks like, what conditions it's in, what's going on there.[/b] [I]This looks like some sort of dueling tournament here. [b]...wait. You said that, in order to get a shot at winning the tournament, thugs were going around mugging people so they would have a better chance at winning. Then you said they stopped when [s]you[/s] Jonny arrived. Is that because the tournament started just as Jonny arrived? If so, what makes it look like a tournament instead of just random Duels? After all, Duelists clog the streets in Domino City. Are there tournament officials nearby presiding over the games? Are the Duelists aligned well, perhaps in orderly grids suggesting official regulation? Why does it look like a tournament, specifically? Describe that.[/b] I guess I’m in the right spot.[/I] Jonathan didn’t know much about this tournament except that the winner faces the champion. [b]...wait. [s]You[/s] Jonny came here, to Domino City, and knew enough about the place that the whole city was clamoring to face a wealthy, powerful champion that you refuse to name despite his ability to organize a tournament. Then he walked into the Town Square and... wondered what was going on? What is this I don't even[/b] Jonathan was unaware he was going when he tripped a nine year old kid. [b][s]You're[/s] Jonny's freakin' huge...[/b] “Hey you!” shouted the nine year old. “Someone needs to teach you some manners! So I challenge you to a duel!” [b]This guy looks entertaining. Reminds me of Lina in EVOLUTION-R, except tiny and bratty. Jonny reminds me of Gourry, too, actually -- wandering into huge, well-publicized events and wondering what the hell's going on.[/b] The kid was about average height. [b]Okay, I see this a lot and it needs to stop: "Average" is not a descriptor. Ever. For anything. Unless you're describing someone like Kurumi or Nami Hito, where their averageness is their entire character (although honestly, Kurumi isn't very average for an average character), "average" cannot be used to describe anything. More to the point, nine-year-olds don't have average heights because of a thing called development. Girls can start puberty by the age of seven nowadays, so there's no telling how big a nine-year-old can be (May could very well be a ten-year-old, for all we know) and boys have bigger variations in height in the first place. There is no "average height" for someone that young. (Come to think of it, there's never an average height, ever, for the same reason.[/b] His duel disk wasn’t average. It was crusted with diamonds. [b]Oh, it's a bratty rich kid. So much for character development.[/b] “So, you want to duel me or not? Choose your answer because I don’t have all day.” The kid was impatient and rude. [b]We know, goddammit. Again, 'show, don't tell.'[/b] It seemed he wanted to be champion and would face any newcomer to do that. [b]wut NO. NO, IT DOESN'T. You haven't told us ANYTHING that would make us think that, except that he has a Duel Disk and apparently all Duelists in Domino have mind-control chips that makes them want to murderize the unnamed champion. It's one thing to show and then tell; it's another altogether to show and then lie.[/b] “Alright kid,” said Jonathan as he opened his briefcase to reveal his special duel disk. [b]Okay, I hate [s]Striker[/s] Jonathan already. Not that I didn't see this coming.[/b] “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” [b]BUT YOU DIDN'T WARN HIM.[/b] At first glance, you could tell Jonathan’s duel disk wasn’t like the others. His had an extra slot for removed from play monsters. [b]...I'm sorry, Crab, I have to. what what WHAT RFG is a very normal game mechanic. There are multiple archetypes built around RFG. Including, y'know, DARK ARMED DRAGON, which was the single most powerful monster in the game for quite some time. To say nothing of the whole Different Dimension archetypes. And crappy monsters like Aqua Spirit. Even non-RFG Decks ran Imperial Iron Wall for quite a while to stop Dark Armed Dragon and his ilk, who still didn't die out until he was Limited. Therefore, if you're bothering with an RFG slot for anyone instead of using the pockets like in the show, you give everyone an RFG slot, because it's a very normal gameplay mechanic and it's reasonable to expect any Duelist dedicated enough to buy a Duel Disk to face them. But more importantly... IT'S NOT SPECIAL. JONATHAN'S NOT SPECIAL. YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL BECAUSE JONATHAN IS "SUPER COOL." YOU'RE NOT JONATHAN. ...I'm done now.[/b] That would always be a red flag for his opponents. [b]As aforementioned, it's a big red flag for readers.[/b] Yet this one kept his cool. [b]Yes, because RFG is very, very common. And also because he really does have a special Duel Disk. A diamond-crusted one. Don't say he didn't warn ya.[/b] “So what is your name?” “The name is Mike Ta’on,” said the kid. [b]I'll be honest, I like Mike better than [s]Striker[/s] Jonny now.[/b] “You better not forget it!” [b]"Got it memorized?"[/b] Both duelists out their decks in their duel disks and activated them. [I]I’m so going to win. This newcomer will regret coming here.[/I] [b]Who's saying this line? Jonny? Mike?[/b] They both drew their 5 cards and the duel began. [u]Jonathan Jacobson: 4000 Life Points Mike Ta‘on: 4000 Life Points[/u] “I go first you spoiled little kid,” said Jonathan as he drew a card from his deck. [I]Just the hand I needed. Let me see if he can stop me.[/I] “I summon ‘D.D. Survivor’ in Attack Position,” said Jonathan as he laid the card down. [u]D.D. Survivor Level: 4 ATK: 1800 DEF: 200[/u] The monster had a torn cloak and looked like a warrior that barely escaped death. “I put 1 face-down and end my turn.” [I]Let me see what he has to offer. I already have “Dimensional Fissure” in my hand. He won’t know what is coming.[/I] [b]what what WHAT YOU HAVE DIMENSIONAL GODDAMN FISSURE IN YOUR HAND. THE ONE THAT MAKES D.D. SURVIVOR COME BACK EVERY GODDAMN TURN. IF YOU GET THAT ON THE FIRST TURN, YA PLAY IT, LOSER. More to the point, when you Summon D.D. Survivor, your strategy is already painfully obvious if your opponent knows how to Duel at all.[/b] [u]Jonathan[/u] Hand: 4 Monsters: D.D. Survivor S/T: 1 Face-Down Life Points: 4000 “That all?” asked Mike as he drew his card. “That was pathetic you know.” [b]I like this Mike guy. He's a much better protagonist and interesting, developed, sympathetic character than [s]Striker[/s] Jonathan. Which is saying something, since Mike is pretty much nothing but a stereotype.[/b] The kid took a breath and placed a card on his duel disk. “Since I have no monsters on my field I can Special Summon ‘Cyber Dragon’!” [u]Cyber Dragon Level: 5 ATK: 2100 DEF: 1600[/u] Cyber Dragon was a grey machine dragon. It looked powerful and deadly. [b]Show, don't tell. Tell us why it looks powerful and deadly -- razor-sharp teeth; vicious eyes; impenetrable heavy armor complemented by disturbingly fast and serpentine movements. Don't just tell us it looks powerful and deadly.[/b] “D.D. Survivor” was no match for it. “Now, ‘Cyber Dragon’ attack ‘D.D. Survivor’!” “Cyber Dragon” was about to make his attack. As the blast was about to hit “D.D. Survivor“, Jonathan acted. “I play my face-down, Dimensional Prison!” replied Jonathan. “Your ‘Cyber Dragon’ is now removed from play!” Jonathan was glad that ‘Cyber Dragon’ was off the field, but he was thinking that his opponent might have another ‘Cyber Dragon’. [b]SHOW DON'T TELL FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME.[/b] “I put 1 card face-down and end my turn,” told Mike. “Hope you are up for the challenge newcomer.” [I]A D.D. Deck? This is going to be fun. I can’t wait to crush this deck and move on to the next round.[/I] [u]Mike Ta’on[/u] Hand: 4 Monsters: None S/T: 1 Face-Down Life Points: 4000 “I draw then,” said Jonathan as he grabbed another card from his Deck. “I summon “D.D. Scout Plane”. [b]Okay, Jonathan is officially a moron. What kind of idiot Summons D.D. Scout Plane?[/b] I then play MST from my hand. [b]In the not-too-distant future Somewhere in time and space... Also: BEST CARD EVER.[/b] Say good bye to your face-down.” MST headed to Mike’s face-down and destroyed it. [b]Tom: Hey, let's go destroy Mike! Crow: Yeah, let's go destroy Mike! Gypsy: Setting course to destroy Mike! ... All: Yeah, we destroyed Mike! Mike: ...guys... Tom: Oh, uh, we didn't mean you, Mike... uh, y'see, there was this fanfiction... Mike: *approaches menacingly* Tom: Make a break for it! But see, the irony is that MST is destroying your fanfiction, in a way. So I guess maybe Mike's face-down was "Rise of a Champion?"[/b] The card that was destroyed was Mirror Force. [b]Or maybe it wasn't. You never know.[/b] “Now, I can attack you directly!” Both D.D. monsters attacked Mike making him lose 2600 Life Points. “I end my turn.” [u]Jonathan[/u] Hand: 2 Monsters: D.D. Survivor, D.D. Scout Plane S/T 1 Face-Down Life Points: 4000 [u]Mike Ta’on[/u] Hand: 4 Monsters: None S/T: None Life Points: 1400 [b]...wait, that's it? MST really did destroy your fanfic! Good for me! Maybe? No, not really. But seriously, that's the best ending you could make? At least have Mike pondering his next move or making a bold statement or something. Hell, even a "to be continued" would have sufficed. But no, you couldn't be bothered with even the simplest of transitions. Of course.[/b][/spoiler] [/spoiler] [/quote] I tried to be nice. It didn't work. Apparently, despite being fourteen years old, I'm still an old and crusty reviewer. Inflammatory as it may seem, I did go through and find the problems for you, so please find those and fix them and you might have a story on your hands. readARDAkthxbai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted August 27, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 27, 2010 Thanks. I did put Part 1 in the spoiler title. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexis Rhodes Posted August 28, 2010 Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Not too long thw way i like it looks good The only thing i would add is a link to the card on YGO wiki on the card name , maybe only one 1 but it would make it work a lot better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted August 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2010 Thanks to all. I edited the first post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supreme Gamesmaster Posted August 29, 2010 Report Share Posted August 29, 2010 *pfft* Wow. Really, Mike? You didn't think that maybe someone who played "Dimensional Prison" might have, I dunno, [i]another Dimensional Prison[/i] to stop your hopeless combo with? I almost prefer [s]Striker[/s] Jonathan Jacobson now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫ Posted August 29, 2010 Report Share Posted August 29, 2010 The ending of the duel was a tad bland it as was the begging and middle. Sorry but the way he won was a tad lame, it seems you rushed it. But other than that its very promising I suggest keep going. Add some card descriptions to jaz things up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted August 30, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2010 I thought of a way to end the duel differently. Thanks to all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted September 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2010 Jonathan's Arrival Part 2 is up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goldeneagle Posted September 3, 2010 Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Great start, just one error in the first duel though; when Chimeratech is summoned, it should destroy all other cards Mike controls. Apart from that though, it's pretty good. Looking forward to the next chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted September 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2010 Thanks for the comment and the story has been edited. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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