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Bleach: Masks of the Espada (Added Chapter 62)

Spirit of DMG

By Spirit of DMG
in Creative Writing

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Fusion X. Denver Newbie

Fusion X. Denver

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Aight, finally finished it.
Good job, DMG. Not a lot of people can say they've completed a fic on YCM before.
Overall, story's been good and the ending fitted your style to a T.
There was one problem though.
You need to work on writing deaths. Pretty much every death was sudden and had no build-up.
Not saying sudden deaths are bad, but you need to address the event with a few sentences first; most deaths were done in a single sentence.
If someone was skimming, they wouldn't have known that character died.
The other thing is you just kinda stated their deaths and that was it, though that was mostly an issue for the mains.
We've been with Daisuke and Evanescent and Fuuta and Mary-Sue for the whole fix and they're all killed off-screen or way too easily. Even though killing almost all the mains off is unconventional and an interesting direction to take, they need to be sent off with heavy focus, not just a passing glance.
And what happened to Zavara and Mizuki exactly? They were doing fine with no hint of danger in one scene, and the next, we're told Mizuki's dead along with her other 3 sisters.
Aside from that though, the fic's had good stuff and I liked how it turned out to be a tragedy.

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Lt. Colonel Remo Newbie

Lt. Colonel Remo

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[quote name='Fusion X. Denver' timestamp='1313444063' post='5445733']
Aight, finally finished it.
Good job, DMG. Not a lot of people can say they've completed a fic on YCM before.
Overall, story's been good and the ending fitted your style to a T.
There was one problem though.
You need to work on writing deaths. Pretty much every death was sudden and had no build-up.
Not saying sudden deaths are bad, but you need to address the event with a few sentences first; most deaths were done in a single sentence.
If someone was skimming, they wouldn't have known that character died.
The other thing is you just kinda stated their deaths and that was it, though that was mostly an issue for the mains.
We've been with Daisuke and Evanescent and Fuuta and Mary-Sue for the whole fix and they're all killed off-screen or way too easily. Even though killing almost all the mains off is unconventional and an interesting direction to take, they need to be sent off with heavy focus, not just a passing glance.
And what happened to Zavara and Mizuki exactly? They were doing fine with no hint of danger in one scene, and the next, we're told Mizuki's dead along with her other 3 sisters.
Aside from that though, the fic's had good stuff and I liked [b]how it turned out to be a tragedy.[/b]
[/quote]
[color=#ff0000] I didn't finish reading it yet[/color]

[color=#ff0000]NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO![/color]
[color=#ff0000][url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4tQduoLiMo"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4tQduoLiMo[/url][/color]

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Spirit of DMG Newbie

Spirit of DMG

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Good points, Fusion, very good points.
The quick death thing is due to my personal philosophy on the matter: That it is not a dramatic even to begin with.
Although many animators try to kill their characters on-screen, and be dramatic about it, I never took that route. I follow along more with John Dunne, who ended his Sonnet on death with the following line, with which you ought to be familiar:
"One short sleep past, we wake eternally, Death, thou shalt die."
Note the puntuation. Commas, which are simply breaths, fractions of a second, ending with a period, not dramatic in any way.
In keeping with this, I prefered not to make my character's death be extravagant, or climactic in any way.
They died. No flailing, no exploding. The attack which killed them may have been a sight to behold, but the result was simple. That was one thing I was trying to convey in this story. (There were two messages I had hoped to convey.)

To address the part where Mizuki, Zavara, and Evanescent (And unless I'm mistaken, Nel) died off-screen, that was because I had stated that the Shoukyoku had killed Mary-Sue (Who I had stated both in speech and actio was stronger than any of the other charcters were, or could hope to be) easily, and how it was done. I had left it up to the reader to determine that the Shoukyoku had tracked down the reamaining Arrancar, and Nel, in pride, had tried to kill Evanescent himself, the defiance leading the Mega-Zankaputo to view him as an enemy, and Mizuki, for whom I had built a relationship with one of the Arrancar, trying to defend her new love, causing the weapon to view her as an enemy,
As the Shoukyouku only has one power, I felt it would be redundant to write the same scene three times, with the only difference being the characters in it.

And, as for the "Too easily" thing, it again goes back to the power of the characters. Fuuta was to pre-occupied releasing the ropes on the Shoukyoku to notice Mary-Sue, who in her ressureccion can be matched only by the Shokyoku anyway. And the Shoukyoku, being the imroved version of the weapon that Ichigo defeated more or less single-handedly, using Getsuga Tenshou, would naturally have been made to be able to not only withstand, but absorb such attacks. Inevitably, this means that it's method of killing is not to destroy the body, but to absorb all of the Reishi sustaining the body.

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