Jokes Thread XD

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

Alright guys well im a big jokes fan so im postin this thread for everyone to post their favorite jokes and for other people who need something to light up there day.
However NO RACIST JOKES PLEASE! i understand they are funny but just dont post them.
since i started this thing ill go first-

*** Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem. ***

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
"BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"

[Newfie Kuriboh Shark]

take me drunk im home.

jesus loves you, the rest of us think your an idiot.

if your reading this your probably an idiot

[b][size="7"]all of these were on t-shirts in mexico[/size][/b]

[Daft Innovation]

Woman's Rights.

[JG.]

[spoiler=Jokes]
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
Submitted by: Kmankoolman
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
Submitted by: Anonymous
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
Submitted by: Nick Henry, ESL teacher in Korea
What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
Telegram
Telephone
Tell a woman
Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.
Submitted by: Dave & Brendan
EDITOR'S NOTE: Maybe you could teach your students the phrase "politically correct" and discuss it.
If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.
Submitted by: Anonymous
A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
Submitted by: Chris Fisher
A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
Submitted by: Genti Biraci
A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
Submitted by: Anonymous
A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
Submitted by: Freshteh Sadeghi
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
Submitted by: Willaim Greaves
A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!
Submitted by: Fred
Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.

(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.)
Submitted by: Jillian H.
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Submitted by: Monirul Hassan
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Submitted by: Tshifhiwa Rambau
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Submitted by: Michael Trew
Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
Submitted by: Zeinab Eltayb
Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)
Submitted by: Emily Mileski
(If you don't know what Limp Bizkit is, see the results of a Google search for Limp Bizkit.)

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
Submitted by: Matty
This is a good one to follow the following previously submitted joke.
A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)

A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
B: Still no idea.

A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
Submitted by: Landa Eugene
Q: When does the (English) alphabet have only 25 letters?
A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L)
Submitted by: George Hurlburt
Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.
Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.
(Giants' nails.)
Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp.
Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard.
These need to be written.
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.

Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.

Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has?
A: Baby elephants.
Depending on where you live, students will enjoy this one.
Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.

Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!
Submitted by: Eric Stein

The First 3 Years of Marriage

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Q: What happens when "you" and "I" are gone?
A: Only 24 letters are left. (you=the letter "u" and I the letter "i".)
Submitted by: Maria Zermani

Riddles of Alphabet

Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)

Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)

Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)

Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)

Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "

Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)

Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)

Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)

Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)

Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)

Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".

Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.

Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.

Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise

Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".

Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".

Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)

Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".

Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".

Submitted by: Mubarak Abdessalami

This is a bilingual English/Spanish joke-- especially good for a class of native Spanish speakers. It also illustrates an important gramatical difference between languages (genders of nouns).
An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."

The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."

Submitted by: Gary Cooper, Dallas, Texas

Q: What has many keys but can't open any doors?
A: A piano.
Q: What has 6 eyes but can't see?
A: 3 blind mice.
Q: Who earns money driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
The teacher speaking to a student said, "Saud, name two pronouns."
Saud who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?"
Submitted by: Abu Jouri

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
Submitted by: Abu Jouri

Q: What is orange and sounds like parrot?
A: A carrot
Submitted by: Mariana GÛmez

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
Submitted by: Submitted by: Ana CarriÁo, Portugal

This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer.
Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. What happened?
A: The customer had hiccups.

I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing.

Submitted by: Jenny Mitchell

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.(No-eye deer)
Submitted by: Pablo Ortega Ju·rez

ESL teacher: You must never begin a sentence "I is ...".
Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with "I is a vowel".
[/spoiler]


Coped from a site, so "Submitted bY:" text is still there =P

[Aibara]

[quote name='Daft Innovation' timestamp='1291631553' post='4833704']
Woman's Rights.
[/quote]

Hahaha! That was good... lol. But a serious matter, too.(yeah, i don't want a massive attack from female members...xD)

OT: Well, I have one too... It's called "The Story Of The Christmas Angel"

[spoiler=Christmas Story]Once upon a time, Santa-Claus was waiting for Christmas. He was so happy and eager to give presents. So, he decided to do his favourite things and was sure that nothing would make him feel bad. So, he talked to his wife.(let's call her Mary Christmas)
Santa: Mary, give me the remote control! I'm so happy and I want to watch my favourite program! Hoho!
Mary: Go s***w you.. Do you think we all feel so good... Arghh...(typical female reaction.. )
It was a weird reaction, but Santa wouldn't get sad.
Santa: Mary! Can you give me my christmas suit? Ha, I can't wait for the present giving! Hoho!
Mary: DO YOU THINK WE ALL ARE OK?! GO TAKE YOUR SUIT, YOU FAT LAZY MAN!!!
Santa wouldn't get mad in Christmas, so he decided not to answer.. Then he heard the door's bell. "Oh, one of my friends", he thought, so he went to open the door. There was Rudolf. Then he said in an angry voice:
"Santa, we work for one hundred years, now, and you don't pay us! We want extra money!!!", he said.
"Well... Oh.. Ok.. You'll have your extra money..", he answered...
He was losing his temper but remained as calm as he could. Then the door's bell rang again. It was a christmas goblin.
"Santa", he said, "we learnt that the deer got extra money. We work all the time in your factories, and we don't get paid!! WE WANT EXTRA MONEY TOO!!!!!", he said.
Santa was shocked. "Well, ok. I think you're right.. I'll give you the extra money..", he said and the goblin left..
Santa was very angry.. And then the door's bell rang again.. Outside the door was an angel that asked in a very sweet and calm voice:
"Where should we put the tree, dear Santa?~".
Because of this incident, now we put an angel on the top of our Christmas tree...~
~The End~[/spoiler]
(I think you understood the joke..)

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

The Facelift


A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29?"
"I am actually 47." That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "Ok, You are 47."

Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"

[Βyakuya]

[quote name='Daft Innovation' timestamp='1291631553' post='4833704']
Woman's Rights.
[/quote]

Old news since Women gained their suffrage.

[Aibara]

[quote name='Рride' timestamp='1291666720' post='4834297']
Old news since Women gained their suffrage.
[/quote]

Oh, snap! He's right! Well, I know I haven't read history for a long time but this is tragical...

OT: Well, here's another small one.
[spoiler= One of the most stupid jokes ever]There were 2 eggs in a frying pan. Then, the first one said:
"Hello mate!".
The other one looked schocked at it and said:
"Oh s**t! An egg that talks!!!"[/spoiler]

Well, don't tell me it's not good, cause I know it.. Lol!

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL so funny What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!

[Aibara]

[quote name='tonymann' timestamp='1291669376' post='4834379']
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL so funny What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!
[/quote]


Haha! A grenade! Well that could be a funny scene in cod. Well, I have some Chuck Norris facts:
[spoiler=Chuck Norris facts]

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’s hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Some mages walk on the water. Chuck Norris swims in land.[/spoiler]

Copy pasta of course. Chuck norris.. lol!xD

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

I heard the last one differently i heard it as "Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land."

[~/Coolio Prime\~]

[quote name='Рride' timestamp='1291666720' post='4834297']
Old news since Women gained their suffrage.
[/quote]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUP9Jm9SqvY

Not for long.

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

so true so true anyways-Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow.

Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?"

Clinton says "Give me the bad news first."

The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it.

The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."

Clinton says "I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president!

...Well, what's the REALLY bad news?"

The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."

[Doomboi]

A man came once.

[The Amazing Avian]

[spoiler='I think it's a little dirty, but not in a way that would make it not allowed here']Why does the blond chick have a bruise on her belly button?
[spoiler='The Punchline']Because her boyfriend is also blond.[/spoiler][/spoiler]

[Βyakuya]

[quote name='Vuvuzela of Triumph' timestamp='1291672135' post='4834489']
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUP9Jm9SqvY

Not for long.
[/quote]
Made in 2006 dude. Even woman's rights can be a resolved a little toward this time.

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

NO DEBATES REGARDING THT TOPIC! if yer gonna debate put somtin in the debates section.
@Random Dude Hilarious. XD
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

[DianKetoTheCardMaker]

I swear, drunk, I'm not officer!

and


Why did the spy cross the road?

He didn't. He never really was on your side.

[~/Coolio Prime\~]

[quote name='Рride' timestamp='1291685923' post='4835083']
Made in 2006 dude. Even woman's rights can be a resolved a little toward this time.
[/quote]
You missed the joke, moron. It was even stated at the start of the video.

[Mister Sir]

I have black people in my family tree.

They're still hanging there.

HURRRRRRRRRRRRR

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

[The Amazing Avian]

A black man and a Mexican jumped off a cliff to see who would hit the ground first, who wins?
[spoiler='Punchline']Society[/spoiler]

And don't worry, I'm not a racist. I did once however give a black friend coupons to KFC for his birthday because I thought it would be funny.

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

If the prefix "con" is the opposite of the prefix "pro", then is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?
When i say racist I dont mean stereotype and yes there is a difference.

[The Amazing Avian]

I know there is a difference, but one of my friends told me this one today and I just couldn't resist to post it here. If anyone here found the joke offensive, I have to say it's a joke and is not meant to be taken seriously. And I think I'm excused on the Mexican part since I was born there. One of my friends thought it would be funny to give me coupons to some Mexican food place and a bag full of tamales.

[Aibara]

[quote name='Random Dude' timestamp='1291781196' post='4837343']
I know there is a difference, but one of my friends told me this one today and I just couldn't resist to post it here. If anyone here found the joke offensive, I have to say it's a joke and is not meant to be taken seriously. And I think I'm excused on the Mexican part since I was born there. One of my friends thought it would be funny to give me coupons to some Mexican food place and a bag full of tamales.
[/quote]

Coupons for birthday present? Lol!xD Next time try a painting printed from pc.(yeah, great success. I've tried it 4 fun!)
OT: [spoiler=Greek story]
Once upon a time, John, a good man, died. So, he went to heaven. As he was waiting to enter the "Paradise city", he saw some clocks with the name of some countries written on them.
So, he decided to ask the angels about them.
Man: Angel, what are these clocks?
Angel: Oh, it's simple. They show us how tainted the politicians in each country are.
Man: Oh ok. And how do they achieve that?
Angel: That's simple, too. The faster the clock fingers turn, the more tainted the politicians are.
Man: Ok. Let me check them, please!!
Angel: Do as you want.
So, the man went to the first clock. It's name was "America". The clock fingers were moving normally.
Then he went to the "Germany" clock. The clock fingers were moving normally, too.
Then he went to "Italy" clock. The clock fingers were moving a little faster than normal, but still slow.
He saw every clock, but he couldn't find the greek one. He searched everywhere but it was nowhere, so he decided to ask the angel, again.
Man: Angel, where the hell(epic irony) the Greek clock is?!
And the Angel replied.
Angel: Well, the greek clock is now used by God... As a fan...[/spoiler]
xD