Jokes Thread XD

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

[spoiler=Childrens Letters to god]Children's letters to God


Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil

Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
-Jane

Dear God,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
-Darla

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some
things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend.
(But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our
day of rest.
-Tom L.

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
-Bruce

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had
their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions.
-Ruth M.

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole
world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna[/spoiler]

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

The best bar in the world...


A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

The best bar in the world...


A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

[DARKPLANT RISING]

[spoiler=Some Christians are hilarious]I’d like to start by saying that I am writing this because I love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and I want to serve, honor, and glorify Him. This article is not about "religion", it is about helping people to escape Satan's deceptions and trust the Lord Jesus Christ, who wants to be their personal Saviour. I believe the Bible is God's preserved, inerrant, and infallible word and it is the sole authority for all mankind to live by for it shows us that we are sinners (The 10 commandments show us that). It shows us how only Jesus who is God come in the flesh can save us.

"Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6)

"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)

It teaches us how to live holy and godly lives. Most importantly the Bible is intended to help people come to know the Lord as their personal Savior from sin and hell. I am not making up what is in this article, I am basing it on God's Word and not my own thoughts or opinions. I want to warn people about the satanic deception and influence that can be subtly introduced into a person's life by playing the game. Satan is a very cunning deceiver,

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour." (I Peter 5:

"And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light...." (II Corinthians 11:14)

He uses the occult to ensnare the minds of people, and he works to introduce people to the occult by using supposedly "innocent" games like Yu Gi Oh. This article is not intended to be a personal attack upon anyone reading it, but instead to simply show the dangers of the occult and how Yu Gi Oh relates to it. I hope that you will find this article helpful and informative, and I pray that this will be a blessing to you.

The answer to the question above, my friend, is the devil (satan), who uses his demonic power to blind the minds of children and adults nationwide to the dangers of Yu-Gi-Oh. Yu-Gi-Oh is an occult oriented game and anything of the occult is dangerous. You say, “that is ridiculous! Yu-Gi-Oh is just kids stuff, a card game, a cartoon!” That is exactly what Satan wants you to believe.

Satan wants to do everything contrary to God and his word (The Bible). He has counterfeits to everything God has and will often add a lot of truth with his lies to deceive people. Satan himself is the father of sin. 1 John 3:8 says,

“He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil.”

Jesus is God come in the flesh to destroy the works of the devil. Jesus says in John 8:44,

“Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.”

Anything of the occult is a dangerous tool of the devil to keep people away from God and his word. Yu-Gi-Oh may appear fun and innocent. But, is it really fun and clean?

Satan works in people’s minds in many cunning and deceptive ways. He knows children’s minds are young and impressionable and can be lured easily into many of his evil traps. He tries to reel people in with the small occult oriented subjects first, and then moves on to the heavier subjects later. He’ll put things like promotion of friendship, etc. into these occult oriented subjects such as Yu-Gi-Oh so that people overlook or misunderstand that aspect of it.

For example, take the MAGIC Trading Card game. When a friend I know was in college, he told me he saw people playing that game all the time, and the things in it looked and were really demonic, and the people who played it were acting very abnormally. It just seemed like they were being changed or dominated by something. But we need to understand that these people didn't get into Magic and get that way right off the bat. They had a whole series of occult oriented games etc. (i.e Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon) that they played before which led up to their involvement in Magic, AD&D, Shadowrun, Etc. The occult goes even deeper than just role-playing card games and cartoons. There are deeper things of the occult such as spiritism, witchcraft, fortune telling, demons, ghost, goblins, vampires, and much more. All of this begins from “little” things such as Yu-Gi-Oh.

If you don't believe that Yu-Gi-Oh is really occultic, that I'm just overreacting and reading more into the game than I should, then read the text below, which comes straight from the official Yu-Gi-Oh website:

"Meet Yugi, and his best buds, Joey, Tristan, and Téa. They share a love for the newest game that's sweeping the nation: Duel Monsters!

Duel Monsters is a card-battling game in which players pit different mystical creatures against one another in wild, magical duels! Packed with awesome monsters and mighty spell-cards, Yugi and his friends are totally obsessed with the game.

But there's more to this card game than meets the eye!

Legend has it five thousand years ago, ancient Egyptian Pharaoahs used to play a magical game very similar to Duel Monsters. This ancient game involved magical ceremonies, which were used to foresee the future and ultimately, decide one's destiny. They called it the Shadow Game, and the main difference back then was that the monsters were all real! With so many magical spells and ferocious creatures on the earth, it wasn't long before the game got out of hand and threatened to destroy the entire world! Fortunately, a brave Pharaoh stepped in and averted this cataclysm with the help of seven powerful magical totems.

Now, in present times, the game has been revived in the form of playing cards.

Meanwhile, Yugi's grandfather gives Yugi an old Egyptian puzzle that no one can solve, but when Yugi finally pieces the puzzle together, his life is forever changed. The puzzle instills Yugi with incredible powers, and ultimately creates his alter ego, Yami Yugi!

Soon after, the mysterious creator of the Duel Monsters card game, Maximillion Pegasus, kidnaps Yugi's grandfather and Yugi is drawn into a Duel Monster's competition that Pegasus arranged. Now Yugi must duel his way through a tournament and defeat Pegasus in order to save his grandfather.

How will Yugi do it? Will the help of his friends, his belief in the heart of the cards, and the mysterious power of his magical Millennium Puzzle be enough?

Giant monsters! Powerful magic! And ancient Egyptian legends! Yu-Gi-Oh! King of Games! is one action-packed adventure series that holds all the cards! It's your move.

Egyptian Pharaohs playing magical games, casting spells, and summoning giant monsters. This should certainly sound occultic by any reasonable definition of the word. And Yugi and his buddies are obsessed with this game, just like the makers of Yu-Gi-Oh want YOU or YOUR CHILD to be, too.

Yu-Gi-Oh has rapidly captured the minds of many of all ages all over the country. It is everywhere...video games, cartoon shows on TV, movies, comic books, toys, clothing, VHS videos, DVDs, and the wildly popular collector card game. Kazuki Takahashi created Yu-Gi-Oh in 1996. It is the story of Yugi Mutou who is given an ancient Egyptian puzzle, which he puts together. This Millennium Puzzle has a secondary personality buried deep within it that comes out whenever Yugi needs to play a game - usually when he is in trouble. This is when the personality comes out and requests playing a game. When he unlocks the secret to this puzzle, Yugi unexpectedly receives a powerful alter ego that will help him defend the world. The TV series is in many volumes called “The Manga”, and some portray Yugi getting involved in games similar to Russian Roulette!. These portray the Occult in so many ways. There are even 3 “God” cards entitled Obelisk, Osiris, and Ra, which can be used to physically harm the opponent! Since Yu-gi-oh has these cards and themes about "ancient Egyptian puzzles bringing up spirits" and has references to calling upon pagan gods, that's demonic! The Bible tells us that paganism, with its false gods and idols and so forth, is satanic in its origin. Speaking of pagan idols (images of false gods), the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 10:20,

"But I say, that the things which the Gentiles sacrifice, they sacrifice to DEVILS, and not to God: and I would not that ye should have fellowship with devils."

Now, the Yu-gi-oh cards which encourage (even if in the context of a game - how best to indoctrinate impressionable young minds?) calling on pagan gods, etc. are just promoting pagan worship and occultism. This sort of stuff is strongly connected with the occult. There is a book about the dangers of the occult and Satanism that tells about many scary things that people did, because their thinking had been INFLUENCED BY ROLE-PLAYING GAMES! There was a kid and his friend who actually murdered a girl as part of a ritual sacrifice to the ancient Babylonian god Arioch, a god they learned about through Dungeons and Dragons and had served in the game. There are numerous accounts of kids who got into deeper and very dangerous occult practices because they were primed for it by role-playing games.... Games which their parents and friends initially thought were innocent fun. A lot of kids back in the 1970s and 1980s killed themselves or others as a result of the demonic influence of role-playing games. As of 1989, role playing games, such as Dungeons and Dragons, were considered to be "significant factors" in at least 125 murders or suicides worldwide1.

We must realize that people's thinking is influenced by what we put into our minds. If I watch a bunch of violent stuff on TV, it will make me more predisposed to violence. There are studies which show this to be true. Similarly, if kids spend hours a day playing a game where they are encouraged to cast spells, use magic powers, call on demons or gods, and other stuff like they do in ALL these games, from Yu-Gi-Oh to AD&D, won't they be more open to occultic suggestion and the influence of demons? Certainly they will be! These games are dangerous fire that you would be very wise to avoid at all costs! The Bible says we should be...

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." (II Corinthians 10:5)

God has designed that a child’s young mind and character are to be developed by the principles of His Word (Ephesians 6:4). God wants his children to have a completely different focus. There is a battle going on in the minds of our children. In fact, Satan and his diabolical hordes want to corrupt the minds of children and adults as well! He loves using Yu-Gi-Oh, Harry Potter, Pokemon and more to blind the minds of Children to see their need to put their faith and trust in Jesus Christ, and serve him by obedience and faith in the Word of God. One of the problems is that Satan is getting the upper hand because people are oblivious to the tactics Satan is using to pollute our minds. Satan, through his human helpers, uses subtle, deceptive methods to advance his evil doctrines. So, how can we protect ourselves from this? We must measure Yu-Gi-Oh paraphernalia by the principles of the Bible to determine if it is acceptable. What does the Bible (God’s word) say about Yu-Gi-Oh? You have already read a few verses previously that should help you see the dangers of the occult. Remember that these are not my words, these are GOD’S.

Leviticus 20:6-7 - "And the soul that turneth after such as have familiar spirits, and after wizards, to go a whoring after them, I will even set my face against that soul, and will cut him off from among his people. Sanctify yourselves therefore, and be ye holy: for I am the LORD your God” (These things certainly relate to the occult. Wouldn’t they relate to Yu-Gi-Oh?)

I Thessalonians 5:21-22 - “Prove all things; hold fast that which is good”. “Abstain from all appearance of evil.” (Yu-Gi-Oh certainly has an appearance of evil.)

Philippians 4:8 - “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” (These are where are thoughts should be directed, not towards the things of the occult.)

I Corinthians 10:31 - “…Whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.” (Can you use Yu-Gi-Oh for the glory of God? Will it honor him? The occult certainly won’t honor and glorify God)

Romans 12:9 - “...Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.” (There certainly is evil represented in Yu-Gi-Oh. God tells us to abhor (HATE) that which is evil.)

These are only a few scriptures that refute Yu-Gi-Oh and the occult in general. If you know the Lord as Savior, Proverbs 3:5-6 teaches us to trust in God alone and seek His will in our lives and pray about it. Ask God if Yu-Gi-Oh should be in your life and the Spirit will lead you to do what is right. John 16:7-13 teaches us that the Holy Spirit guides us into all truth. Is the Spirit leading you to Yu-Gi-Oh? Or, is it the flesh?

We should be controlling what goes into our minds, and not allowing occultic or occultic-like material to take over where Christ rightfully should be in control. Romans 12:2 says,

"And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the RENEWING OF YOUR MIND, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God."

I John 2:15-17 says,

"Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth forever."

God wants us to keep ourselves from all the evil things the world wants to cloud and profane our minds with. He wants us to keep from occultism, paganism, satanism...AND the games which can start a person down the paths that might end up in those areas. They are of the world, and they are therefore NOT of the Father. They are against God and His will for your life. And as John said, the world and its system will pass away one day, but those who do the will of God will abide, or remain with Him for all eternity.

The most important aspect of God's will for your life, though, is to be SAVED from sin and hell. Something only Jesus can do! Salvation is God's desire for you. Salvation can be given to you if you repent of your sins, and ask God to forgive you through Jesus Christ, trusting on the gift of His shed blood and sacrifice on the cross for you, and in His resurrection from death, all of which He did for you! I encourage you to read these passages from the Bible book of Romans:

WHO IS GOOD?
ROMANS 3:10-12 “As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one: There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good, no, not one.”

WHO HAS SINNED?
ROMANS 3:23 “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;” The eternal cost of your sin."
ROMANS 6:23a “For the wages of sin is death;”
ROMANS 1:18a “For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men,”

NOTHING YOU DO CAN SAVE YOU
ROMANS 3:20a “Therefore by the deeds of the law there shall no flesh be justified in his sight:”
ROMANS 3:27 “Where is boasting then? It is excluded. By what law? of works? Nay: but by the law of faith.”

GOD’S LOVE HAS MADE A WAY
ROMANS 5:8-9 “But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.”

YOU MUST PLACE YOUR “COMPLETE” FAITH IN CHRIST
ROMANS 3:22 “Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference:”
ROMANS 10:9 “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
ROMANS 3:28 “Therefore we conclude that a man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law.”

IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT JESUS CHRIST ALONE CAN SAVE YOU…
ROMANS 4:21 “And being fully persuaded that, what he had promised, he was able also to perform.”

…THEN PRAY AND ASK HIM.
ROMANS 10:13 “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.”
ROMANS 10:11 “For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed.”

My friend, if you are not already saved, Jesus wants to save YOU from sin and hell. Jesus shed his blood for YOU. He was beaten and wounded for YOU! His hands, feet, and side were pierced for YOU! He died on that cross of shame for he loved YOU so much! He was buried and rose again that ALL who trust in him could live (John 17:1 to 20:31). God gave us his word to show us we are sinners and that we need to be saved from sin and hell. No one can force you to trust in Christ. No works, church, or religion can save you. Only Jesus Christ can save you from sin by grace through faith in Him alone. Jesus is the joy of living. Without him we are nothing. Trust Christ before it is eternally too late (Hebrews 2:3). You will die someday. Where will you be? Please trust Jesus as your Savior today. He is at your heart’s door knocking this moment. Will you let him in? Your time on earth is short, but your decision for Christ lasts for eternity. Why not pray, meaning it with all your heart, and ask Him to save you today?

Isn't it worth considering at least, since the destiny of your eternal soul rides in the balance? Please at least consider what I'm saying here, which I say out of genuine concern and care for you, which God commands us to have one for another.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you have trusted the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior, please e-mail me and let me know. I'd like to pray for you, and help you out in any other way I can.[/spoiler]

[Anbu-of-Sand]

I don't care if it's been posted yet or not, but here's one that makes me smirk / smile / whatever.

Girl: Hey wanna here a joke?
Boy: Sure
Girl : Pussy
Boy: I don't get it
Girl: And you never will

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

[spoiler=This made me almost pass out from laughing]A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:


1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.[/spoiler]

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

[spoiler=You know your getting older when...]You Know You're Getting Older When...

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.[/spoiler]

[The Amazing Avian]

[spoiler='Me Chinese']
There's a Chinese guy working at at a bar, as a joke, he decides to pee in the soda machine, taking special care to only hit the Coca Cola.

An Irish guy walks into the bar, already hammered out of his mind, and asks the Chinese guy for a Coke. The Chinese man serves it to him and waits for him to drink it, when he does, the Irish guy spits it out and says "This tastes like *hic* piss!" to which the Chinese guy laughs and says "Me Chinese, me play joke, me go pee pee in your coke!"

The Irish guy leaves and stumbles out the door, at that time a French guy walks in and asks for a coke. Again, the Chinese guy serves it to him and expects him to spit it out, which he does in disgust as he curses at him in French. The Chinese guy laughs and says "Me Chinese, me play joke, me go pee pee in your coke!"

The French guy leaves in anger and a mafia member walks in and asks for a coke from the Chinese guy. He serves it to him and waits. The mafia member takes a drink, then spits it out and screams "this tastes like piss!" the Chinese guy laughs and says "Me Chinese, me play joke, me go pee pee in your coke!" The mafia guy looks at him then produces his gun and points it at the Chinese guy's face and says "Me mafia, me kill guys, me put bullet between your eyes." The Chinese guy looks at him, opening his eyes enough for them to look like a westerner's eyes, then the mafia guy laughs and says "I'm just kidding buddy" then puts his arm around him and says "Not really" *bang*

Moral: Don't pee in coke, or at least don't take credit for it.[/spoiler]

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

The Longest Duck Joke


[spoiler=Funny]A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, "Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money."

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says, "Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested."
He replies, "I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck."
"Well," she says, "maybe we can work something out."

So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying.....

When they come out, she is breathless and says, "Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I'll give you back your duck."

As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.

She says to him, "I've got this friend who's husband is a real loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I'm gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead."
She calls her friend and tells her, "You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is the best I've had in years. He's just what you need."

What none of them know is that the woman's husband is listening in on the other phone.
The kid sets off for the woman's house and the husband meets him on the road and says, "Look boy, I'll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife."
Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.

His father see's him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy!!
He says, "Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!"

"Dad," he says, "You wouldn't believe the day I've had! First, I got a f*** for the duck, then I got the duck for a f*** then I got a buck to duck a f*** and I still have the f***ing duck!!"[/spoiler]

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

[spoiler=In the spirit of the christmas season]Psychiatric Christmas Carols


Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia -- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and... or
Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

Borderline Personality -- Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

Paranoia -- Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry.
I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why

Depression -- Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

Obsessive Compulsive -- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...

Passive Aggressive -- On the First Day of Christmas My Mother
Gave to Me...
(And Then Took it All Away) [/spoiler]

[Grunt Issun]

No racist jokes? Well at least Sexism is ok!

GuyA: Hey did you hear that news story last night, the one about the woman who was crushed by a tree
GuyB: Really? I didn't see it
GuyA: Yeah, it was confusing, they can't figure out how a forest got into the kitchen

[DARKPLANT RISING]

[quote name='Blue eyes + Wynn' timestamp='1292097359' post='4844769']
No racist jokes? Well at least Sexism is ok!

GuyA: Hey did you hear that news story last night, the one about the woman who was crushed by a tree
GuyB: Really? I didn't see it
GuyA: Yeah, it was confusing, they can't figure out how a forest got into the kitchen
[/quote]
That is lame.
Everyone knows it.

[Darth Duelist]

Here's one I made up all by myself. Listen closely:

What do you call a dead pig that says "you" and is really prickly?
[spoiler=Answer]
A PORCUPINE.
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Explanation of Answer]
A dead pig..........pork
That says "you"...u
Prickly................pine
Pork+u+pine=Porcupine? GET IT? HAAHAAHAA!
[/spoiler]

[The Tin Trooper]

[spoiler=What do you call a black man flying a plane?]A pilot. You racist scumbag.[/spoiler]
Jus' for the record,

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

@The Unwritten Law +1 rep fer you that was funny.

[MarbleZone]

YCMaker is working on...

[Darth Revan of the Sith]

Whats the coldest country on earth.
[spoiler=The Answer]Chile[/spoiler]

[Max.]

So a Dyslexic guy walks into a bra......

[Grunt Issun]

So two guys walk into a bar, one of them ducks

[Xguy]

chuck norris can slam a revolving door

[DARKPLANT RISING]

What's the site with the lamest of senses of jokes, based on a particular thread inside it?
[spoiler=Obvious answer]YCM.[/spoiler]

[Xguy]

i hate bears coming into my house saying : "this is how much tiolet paper you should use."

[The Tin Trooper]

A man walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic. His alcoholism is tearing his family apart.

[Xguy]

[quote name='The Unwritten Law' timestamp='1292693445' post='4861995']
A man walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic. His alcoholism is tearing his family apart.
[/quote]
thats not funny, thats just horrible.

[DARKPLANT RISING]

[quote name='Xguy' timestamp='1292696556' post='4862118']
thats not funny, thats just horrible.
[/quote]
No, nothing here is even mildly funny, everything is just horrible. Something has to be seriously wrong with the sense of humor here, since I can't get a single laugh out of here.