Pokemon: The Gym Leader Challenge

[HoneycombTroy]

This is my second Fanfic, so not sure if its good. It's based on the Fire Red and Leaf Green games. Red, Blue and Roy are the main characters. Roy will not be introduced till later in the story though.
[color="#0000FF"]If wrote in blue like this, Blue (Gary) is thinking it[/color]
[color="#FF0000"]If wrote in red like this, Red (Ash) is thinking it[/color]
If wroten in the normal font colour, like this, Roy is thinking it.
[spoiler=Chapter 1: Mysterious Route.][color="#0000FF"]What a day. Getting my first pokemon from Gramps, arriving in Viridian City and catching a new Pokemon. Better get some rest. Tomorrow, i'm heading for Viridian Forest.[/color]
***
[color="#FF0000"]I need a rest. Today, i received Charmander from Prof. Oak and arrived in Viridian City after some training. Better rest up for tomorrow. I'm gonna try to get to Pewter City.
***
What's that route lead to. I'll check. Woah. A Mankey. This is my chance. My chance to catch my first Pokemon.
"Go Pyro."
Pyro is Charmanders nickname.
"Pyro, use Ember," i scream.
A small spark of fire spits out of Pyro’s mouth and hits the Mankey. The Mankey gets hit back.
It then charges at Pyro and body slams it with full power. It had used the move Rage.
Pyro falls to the ground and gets back up.
"Pyro, us Ember and then Scratch."[/color]
***
[color="#0000FF"]What a waste. This route just leads to the Pokemon League. I don’t even have one badge.
Hey, is that Red battling a Mankey.
A Charmander spits out a spark of fire and then runs at the Mankey.
Ouch. What a scratch. That’s got to hurt. Red then throws a Pokeball at the Mankey. The Mankey had been caught.
He then jumps with joy and continues walking down the route.
“Hey Red, This route leads up to the Pokemon League. I bet you don’t have even one badge. You need all eight to get to Victory Road. How strong have your pokemon got. I bet I could beat them easily. Let’s battle."
“Go Pyro,” screams Red.
“Let’s go Pidgey,” I scream[/color].[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 2: Red v.s Gary on Route 22[color="#FF0000"]]“[color="#FF0000"]Pidgey, use Gust,” Blue yells.
Pidgey flaps its wings and creates a small gale of wind.
“Pyro, dodge it and use Scratch,” I scream.
Pyro jumps out of the way before the gale hits it and jumps at Pidgey. Its claws seem to grow and Pyro lands a crushing blow to Pidgey.
Pidgey is sent flying to the ground. It starts to slowly get up.
“Pyro, use Ember,” I yell.[/color][color="#FF0000"] Pidgey tries to the dodge the spark by flying up[/color].[/color] ***
[color="#0000FF"]“Pidgey, try to use Quick Attack in the air to dodge the Ember!” I command.
Pidgey fly’s through the air at a great speed and dodges Charmander’s ember.
“Now Pidgey, Quick Attack.”
Pidgey very quickly fly’s towards Charmander and tackles it.
Charmander couldn’t take that hit and falls to the ground[/color].
***
[color="#FF0000"]“No, Pyro return. Let’s do this, Mankey.”
I release Mankey from its Pokeball. It looks like it’s ready to fight.
“Hey Red, Mankey is a Fighting Type and Pidgey is a Flying type. I have an advantage here,” Blue says.
“Advantage or no advantage, I’m winning this. Mankey, use Karate Chop!” I yell.
Mankey runs at Pidgey and Karate Chops it.
Pidgey falls to ground. After a while, it still doesn’t stand up.
“Return Pidgey. You may have defeated one of my Pokemon, but you can’t defeat Squirtle.”
Squirtle is sent out.
"My Squirtle also learned a new move. Squirtle, use Water Gun,” Blue commands.
A long line of water is sent out of Squirtle’s mouth. Mankey is hit with massive damage.
“Mankey, use Focus Energy and then Karate Chop.”
Mankey focus's its power and then charges at Squirtle.
It Karate Chops it and Squirtle goes down in one hit.
“Return Squirtle. You just got lucky. Just beginner’s luck. Smell ya later,” Blue says to me.
Yes. I won my first battle. Too bad I didn’t beat Blue back in Prof. Oak’s lab.[/color]
***

[color="#0000FF"]Viridian Forest. The forest that’s a maze. Well, better start it.[/color][/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 3: Viridian Forest Troubles] [color="#0000FF"]Let’s start Viridian Forest. This is going to be long.
***
What. Still going. I thought that opening was the end.
“Hey, you. I want to battle,” says a kid with a bug catching net.
“Okay, but don’t cry if I beat you.”
“Hey, I won’t lose. We use two pokemon each. Let’s make it a double battle. Go Beedrill. Go Butterfree.”
“Let’s go Pidgey and Squirtle. Pidgey, use Gust on Beedrill. Squirtle, use Tackle on Beedrill,” I scream.
Pidgey flaps its wings and sends a gust of wind, similar to a tornado, at Beedrill. At the same time, Squirtle charges at Beedrill and tackles it with full power. Beedrill faints.
“Return Beedrill. Butterfree, use Confusion on Squirtle. Then Tackle it.”
Beedrill uses a power to make a force that picks up Squirtle into the air. Squirtle then drops to the ground. Butterfree flies towards Squirtle and tackles it.
“Butterfree, use Gust.”
Squirtle faints from the raging wind Butterfree creates.
“Return Squirtle. Pidgey, use Peck and then Tackle.”
Pidgey pecks the Butterfree and then tackles it. Then, Pidgey starts to shine and change shape. Pidgey soon turns into a different Pokemon.
“Sweet, Pidgey just evolved,” Blue says.
Blue pulls out his Pokedex.
Pidgeotto, the bird Pokemon. Pidgeotto claims a large area as its own territory. This Pokemon flies around, patrolling its living space.[/color] ***
[color="#FF0000"]I am so bored. This forest goes forever. Hey, I wonder if that guy knows where the forest ends.
“Hey, do you know where the end to this forest is,” I ask.
“No, sorry,” replies the boy.
“Do you have any Pokemon?” I ask
“Yea, wanna battle.”
“Sure, we use 2 pokemon each. Go Mankey and Pyro.”
“Go Espeon. Go Umbreon.”
“Hey, there not from this region. Aren’t they?And Umbreon looks a different colour.”
“Correct. There from the Johto region. And my Umbreon is Shiny. Its rare to find a shiny Pokemon. They are rare. You can go first."
“Go Mankey. Use Karate Chop on Umbreon.”
“Umbreon, Protect,” says the boy.
A force-field looking thing protects the Umbreon from the attack.
“Espeon. Psychic on Mankey. Umbreon. Bite on Charmander.”
Mankey and Pyro go down in one hit.
“Woah. Your strong,” I manage to mutter.[/color] ***
[color="#0000FF"]Hey. It’s a Rattata.
“Let’s go Pidgeotto!” I scream.
“Pidgeotto, use Wing Attack,” I command
Pidgeotto flies at Rattata and hits it with its wing. Rattata almost falls to the ground all ready.
“Pokeball, go.”
The ball rolls a bit and then stays still.
“I caught a Rattata.”
Hey, is that the end. I bolt to an opening and…….. Dang. Still going. I decide to keep Pidgeotto out of its Pokeball for safety. Then, it flies away. I start to chase after it.
***
I lost Pidgeotto. Great. My best Pokemon.[/color][/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 4: Rocket Trouble][color="#FF0000"] “Hi, I’m Red. How are your Pokemon so strong?”
“I’m Cyrus. My pokemon are strong because I have beaten the 8 gym leaders in the Johto region. I have even beaten the Elite 4 and the champion, Lance. I gave the title back to Lance though,” replies Cyrus.
“Whoa, a champion. Nice.”
“Hey, could you give me a hand out of here. I need to get to Brock in Pewter City.[/color] ***
[color="#FF0000"]Finally, I think that’s the way out. NOOOO! Just another one of those openings. But who’s that. Hey, it’s Blue.
“Blue!! Blue!! Over here!” I scream.
Blue turns around and see’s us. “Hey, Red. Could I try a new pokemon out on you? It will only take a sec.”
“Sure, go Pyro,” I yell.
“Come on Rattata.”
“Pyro, use Ember!”
“Rattata, use Quick Attack to dodge it and use Hyper Fang.”
Pyro inhales, then exhales, spitting out a spark of fire. Rattata runs out of the way at a great speed and bolts towards Pyro.[/color] ***
[color="#0000FF"]Rattata opens its mouth while running and takes a crunch at Charmander. Charmander is sent to the ground from the crushing blow. Charmander then slowly gets up. It can barely stand.
“Rattata, Hyper Fang again, I scream.
“Dodge it Pyro,” Red commands.
Rattata charges at Charmander with its mouth open. Charmander just stands there shaking, having trouble to move.
“Pyro, you can do this, Ember,” Red screams.
Charmander breathes in and spits a flame. The orangey-red flame hits Rattata, causing it to trip and hit the ground. At the same time, Charmander drops to the ground. It was a tie. Charmander used its last bit of energy. Both Pokemon had fainted.[/color] ***
“[color="#FF0000"]Return Pyro,” I say.
“Return Rattata,” Blue mutters.
“Pidgeotto!” is heard at the end of the battle.
“Oh no, Pidgeotto. I forgot about her.”
“When did you get a Pidgeotto?” I ask.
“Who cares? Follow me,” Blue yells
We get to where the cry was heard and see Cyrus battling a Team Rocket Grunt.
“I walked off during the middle of your battle and found these guys placing Pidgeotto into a machine. Pidgeotto was then transported somewhere through that tube,” Cyrus says, pointing at a long, big, silver tube. The tube curved into the trees and that was all I could see.
“He he. Pidgeotto has been sent to our Boss. He is all the way in Pewter City. It will take ages to get through this forest, and when you do, the Boss would be gone anyway,” the Rocket Grunt tells us.
“Go Rattata, go Squirtle.”
“Go Pyro. Go Mankey. You two go through the tube and get Pidgeotto back,” I say.
“You go too guys.”
Pyro, Squirtle, Mankey and Rattata climb into the tube, one by one.
Cyrus finishes the battle with the Rocket Grunt and runs up to the tube.
“Espeon, Umbreon, help em out,” says Cyrus.
Espeon and Umbreon go up the tube. After a while, we notice the Rocket Grunt is gone. A few minutes later, a rumbling noise is heard from the tube. Out comes Pidgeotto, Rattata, Mankey, Espeon and Umbreon. But where are Squirtle and Pyro.[/color] ***
[color="#0000FF"]What. Where’s Squirtle. And Charmander. Red walks to the tube and looks up it. Nothing. Red then screams “Mankey, go get Pyro and Squirtle.”
When Mankey gets ready to climb up the tube, out slides…… a Charmeleon and Wartortle. Squirtle and Charmander had evolved.
“P...P... Pyro, you evolved,” mutters Red.
I pull out my Pokedex.
Wartortle, the Turtle Pokemon. It often hides in water to stalk unwary prey. For fast swimming, it moves its ears to maintain balance.
Charmeleon, the Flame Pokemon. It lashes about with its tail to knock down its foe. It then tears up the fallen opponent with sharp claws.
***
“I think that’s the end guys,” says Cyrus while pointing at an opening.
We bolt towards it to find another section of the forest. How long is this forest.[/color][/spoiler]
[spoiler= Chapter 5: Meet Roy.WARNING. SHORT CHAPTER] “Come on guys. You can do it. Pooch, focus on your attacking power. You’ll mostly be using Take Down. Nidorino, you focus on dodging as much of the attacks as possible. Your speed will give us an advantage. And lastly, Shines, work on your accuracy with your moves. You do tend to miss a lot. Nidorino, I’ll be using you the most though. Let’s do this,” I say to my Pokemon.
I return all three into their Pokeball’s and walk into a Gym. As soon as the door opened all i see is water, water and more water. It was like a giant inside pool.
“Have you come to challenge me? Wait. What am I thinking? Of course you have,” says an orange haired girl.
“Yes. You must be Misty. May I challenge you to a 3 Pokemon battle?” i reply.
“Sure. Let’s go Goldeen,” Misty replies.
“Go Nidorino. Use Horn Attack.”
Nidorino runs towards Goldeen and hits it with its horn. Goldeen is sent flying into the water.
“No. Goldeens in water. Nidorino, use Poison Sting where the shadow in the water is.”
Nidorino opens its mouth and out comes a bunch of thin, purple straw-like things. They fly into the water and hit Goldeen. Goldeen faints.
“Return Goldeen. Go Starmie,” yells Misty.
A purple looking starfish with a gem in the middle of it pops out of the Pokeball.
“Starmie, use Confusion.”
Nidorino is sent flying back into the water by a force created by Starmie.
“Return Nidorino. Go Pooch.”
Out of the Pokeball pops out a Growlithe, a red and white coloured Pokemon that looks like a dog.
Both of my other Pokemon are Fire Types. I'm at a disadvantage here.
***
[color="#0000FF"]“Hey, I think that’s the end there. At least I hope so,” says Red.
We bolt towards the opening and arrive in a tiny route.
“Look, there’s Pewter City!” I scream.
"Thanks for the help guys, but i'm gonna stop here for a few days. Maybe we'll meet again sometime," says Cyrus.
"Well, goodbye then."[/color]
[/spoiler]
[spoiler= Chapter 6: Blue and Red v.s Brock in Pewter City] [color="#0000FF"]Brock, here I come. I’m gonna sneak in the morning while Red is still asleep so I can get the Boulder Badge before him.
***
Yawwwwwwwwwwn. Now’s the time to sneak out. 7: 34 Am. Yep, ready to go. I run to Brocks gym and yell “Brock, I challenge you to a 3 Pokemon battle.”
A man with brown hair and a brown overcoat appears. “I accept your challenge. Go Geodude.”
“Come on out Wartortle,” I scream. “Wartortle, use Water Gun,” I command.
Wartortles mouth starts to fill up with something and Wartortle spits out a long stream of water at the Geodude. The Geodude goes down in one hit.
“Return Geodude. Time to use Diglett. Diglett, use Dig.”
The Diglett rummages underground and digs towards Wartortle.
“Wartortle, use Water Gun right under you to hit Diglett.”
Diglett instead pops out of the ground in front of Wartortle and tackles it. Wartortle is slightly sent backwards but not much damage was taken.
“Wartortle! Use Water Gun again.”
Wartortle again spits out a long stream of water at Diglett. Diglett faints straight away.
“Time to finish this. Go Onix.”
A massive rock snake Pokemon appears from the Pokeball.
“Onix, use Rock Throw,” Brock orders.
The Onix throws a rock at Wartortle.
“Wartortle, jump out of the way and use Water Gun,” I command.
“Onix, use Dig before the Water Gun hits you,” Brock says.
Wartortle is smashed by the Onix and faints.
“Return Wartortle. Let’s go Pidgeotto. Pidgeotto, use Quick Attack multiple times.
Pidgeotto keeps flying into Onix at a great speed.
“Now Pidgeotto, use Wing Attack multiple times.”
Pidgeotto keeps hitting Onix with its wings.
“Onix, use Bind.”
Onix wraps Pidgeotto with its tail and squeezes hard.
“Pidgeotto, use Quick Attack to try to get out of its grasp.”
Pidgeotto just manages to slip out. Pidgeotto then falls to the ground and faints. It had taken too much damage from the Bind.
“You can do this Rattata, go. Rattata, use Tail Whip a few times, and then Hyper Fang.”
Rattata twists around and wags its tail at Onix. It then charges at Onix and takes a chomp out of it. Onix falls to the ground and faints.
“Yes, I won,” I scream.
“You have earned yourself the Boulder Badge. Congratulations.”[/color] ***
“Pooch, use Take Down. Then use Fire Blast.”
Pooch charges towards Starmie.
“Starmie, use Water Pulse.”
Starmie creates a ball of water and sends it towards Pooch. Pooch jumps over the ball and hits Starmie with a strong blow. Pooch then steps back and inhales. It then exhales, causing a stream of fire to hit Starmie. Starmie then faints.
“Return Starmie. My final Pokemon, go Staryu,” yells Misty.
A yellow starfish with a red gem in the middle appears.
“Staryu, use Rapid Spin and then Water Pulse,” Misty commands.
Staryu spins through the air and smashes into Pooch. It then sends a ball of water at Pooch. Pooch faints on contact.
“Return Pooch. Go Shines. You’re my last resort,” I scream
Out of the Pokeball appears a red dog looking Pokemon.
“Staryu, use Water Pulse two times.”
Staryu sends to balls of water right at Shines. Shines faints straight away.
“Sorry, but I guess you’ll have to train some more and come back. I cannot give you the Cascade Badge for now.”
I walk out of the Gym looking miserable. I decide to go back to Mt. Moon for some training. I hope I get strong enough to beat Misty next time.
***
[color="#FF0000"]Where’s Blue. He may be versing Brock. I should check.
***
“Blue. Are you going to challenge Brock now?” I ask.
“I already have, and I won,” replies Blue.
“What!” I scream.
“I bet you couldn’t even get past his Geodude.”
Blue then walks away. Guess I’ll challenge Brock now. I walk past a museum, a Pokemon Centre and a PokeMart. Yes. Brocks Gym. I walk in and yell “Brock. May I challenge you to a two Pokemon Battle?”
“Sure. Let’s go Geodude,” Brock replies.
“Go Mankey, use Karate Chop.”
Mankey charges towards Geodude and Karate Chops it with massive power. Geodude faints straight away.
“Return Geodude. I bet you can’t get past my next Pokemon. Go Onix,” Brock screams.
“Mankey, use Low Kick,” I command.
Mankey bolts towards Onix and kicks its tail. Onix goes tumbling towards the ground.
“Now use Seismic Toss.”
Mankey picks up Onix, just barely holding it up, and throws it towards a wall. Onix faints.
“Return Onix. You have just earned yourself the Boulder Badge.”
“I received the Boulder Badge,” I scream.
I bolt out the door, trying to catch up to Blue.
***
Mt. Moon. How big is this thing? I better enter it now.[/color] ***
[color="#000080"]“Let’s battle,” screams a Hiker.
“Go Geodude.”
“Come on out Wartortle,” I scream.
“Wartortle, use Water Gun,” I command.
Wartortle spits out a stream of water. Geodude faints.
“Return Geodude. Go Machop,” screams the Hiker.
“Return Wartortle. Rattata, I choose you.”
I withdraw Wartortle and send out Rattata.
“Rattata, use Hyper Fang.”
Rattata charges towards Machop and bites it.
“Now use Quick Attack,” I yell.
Rattata charges towards Machop at a great speed and body slams it. Machop goes flying into a rock and faints. Rattata then glows with a white light, and then transforms into a new Pokemon.
I pull out my Pokedex.
Raticate, the Mouse Pokemon. Raticate’s sturdy fangs grow steadily. To keep them ground down, it gnaws on rocks and logs. It may even chew on the walls of houses.
“Nice, I now have a Raticate.”
“This battle isn’t finished. I still have one more Pokemon. Go Machoke,” screams the Hiker.
A big, buff, grey Pokemon appears from the Pokeball.
“Machoke, use Seismic Toss.”
Machoke picks up Raticate and throws it a far distance.
“Machoke, now run up to it and use Mega Punch.”
Machoke runs towards Raticate and punches it with great power. Raticate is sent flying towards a wall and faints.
“Return Raticate. Go Pidgeotto, use Wing Attack,” I scream.
Pidgeotto flies towards Machoke and hits it with its wing.
“Now Pidgeotto, use Quick Attack.”
Pidgeotto flies towards Machoke at a great speed and tackles it into a rock.
“Machoke, get up and use Mega Punch.”
Machoke runs towards Pidgeotto and punches it with a load of power. Pidgeotto is sent into a cave wall, but recovers from the blow fast. This battle is extreme. I just hope I can pull through and win.[/color] ***
[color="#FF0000"]This cave goes forever. I wonder if Blue has made it out yet. Hey, I wonder what that is over there. I walk towards it and see a Rocket Grunt. It’s the same one from Viridian Forest.
“Hey, haven’t you learnt your lesson. If you meddle around, I’ll stop you.”
The Rocket Grunt turns around and sees me. He then whistles. Another Grunt comes along to help him out.
“Need a hand,” says a familiar voice.
I turn around and see Cyrus.
“Sure, I could use a hand.”
“Go Golbat,” says the first Grunt.
“Go Sandshrew,” says the other Grunt.
“Come on out Pyro,” I scream
“Let’s go Croconaw,” says Cyrus.[/color][/spoiler]
[spoiler= Chapter 7: Giovanni, Boss of the Rockets] Giovanni, the boss of Team Rocket shows up in the middle of Cyrus's and Reds battle against the Rocket Grunts. Blues battle continues against the hiker.[/spoiler]
Want a character in this story. Fill out the app in the spoiler.
[spoiler=App]Name=
Appearance= If Large, please place in spoiler. Accepting Pics and Written
Personality=
Bio=
Pokemon= No rares. up to 2 Shinys are allowed. Can make nicknames. Can be from other regions. If from other region, explain how you got them, for example Bio: Started of in Sinnoh and received Chimchar. Went to Kanto.[/spoiler]
Example
Name: Roy
Apperance: Young teen that is always wearing a pair of sunglasses and a Red shirt with white pants. Has a scar across his left arm and on his face, just under his left eye.
Personality: Roy can get a little over excited about little things like seeing a pokemon or watching a battle. Roy is always happy and rarely sad or angry.
Bio: Roy is the son of Blaine, the seventh Gym leader. His father helped him start his journey by giving him a pokemon, Growlithe. After many training, Roy defeated Brock and his getting ready to challenge Misty. His team now consists of 3 pokemon
Pokemon: Pooch=Growlithe
Nidorino
Shines=shiny Flareon
Accepted Apps:
Cyrus appears in Chapter 3 helldog.
[spoiler=Cyrus-Helldog34]Name: Cyrus
Appearance: Spiky yellow hair. Grey shirt with a white stripe down the middle. Grey shorts. Scar above and below his left eye.
Personality: Very quite. Try's to be cool. Gets excited when sees a Pokemon.
Bio: Cyrus is from the Johto region. Brother of Waker Crash. Cyrus started with Eevee. Has evolved his Eevee into Umbreon. Bred Umbreon. And has received an espeon.
Pokemon: Umbreon= Shiny
Espeon
Quilava
Croconaw= Shiny[/spoiler]
[size="7"]The chapters will get longer each time.[/size]

[DARKPLANT RISING]

It's written like a foe fic, and it's food for a foe fic.

[HoneycombTroy]

Chapter 2 is up

[helldog34]

Random merlin you have a great story & i think you should make more & keep the work up
App
Name: Cyrus
Appearance: Spiky yellow hair. Grey shirt with a white stripe down the middle. Grey shorts. Scar above and below his left eye.
Personality: Very quite. Try's to be cool. Gets excited when sees a Pokemon.
Bio: Cyrus is from the Johto region. Brother of Waker Crash. Cyrus started with Eevee. Has evolved his Eevee into Umbreon. Bred Umbreon. And has received an espeon.
Pokemon: Umbreon= Shiny
Espeon
Quilava
Croconaw= Shiny

[Anbu-of-Sand]

The Chapters are faaaar to short. Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 combined could make perhaps, a quarter of an actual chapter, maybe even less in my opinion. And the whole Red Text / Blue Text seems unneeded, and with that gone (if your going to remove it), try not to use "I ___" a lot, unless the narrator is a character in the story. Otherwise, try out using there actual names such as "Blue said", "Red yelled", etc., but try not overdoing it with the word said every single time.

The story in most parts also need to be more descriptive, it seems so....boring. No actual description / detail happening. For example. One part says the following.

"A small spark of fire spits out of Pyro’s mouth and hits the Mankey. The Mankey gets hit back.
It then charges at Pyro and body slams it with full power. It had used the move Rage.
Pyro falls to the ground and gets back up."

This is very boring. This could be much more exciting by being more descriptive / adding detail. For example.

"Pyro took a great inhale, then exhaled, releasing a spark of fire straight at Mankey. The small spark hit Mankey straight on, making it fall with thud. The Mankey became full of anger, which made it clear it was now using the move rage. The Mankey charged at Pyro straight at it with a Body Slam with all it's might, which brought Pyro to the ground. Pyro took quite the beating, but slowly stood up to continue the battle."

The above although not the best, is much more 'exciting', and is much more descriptive / detailed. Also, try not to Leave a space after every sentence.
This makes your Chapters look longer.
Even though they are quite short.
It also makes the page stretch a bit as well.

There's no problem doing it every once in awhile, but try to use paragraphs more often. Leaving a space for a new paragraph when the scene changes, or you can leave a space after said paragraph for a one-liner or two, then continue on with the paragraph, but choose the right sentence when making a one-liner. I say this because there is no use of doing a one-liner if that one line is going to be something completely generic that could've been put into the paragraph before it.

That's all that comes from the top of my head, but otherwise, I kinda like the story, although with the errors, it has potential.

[HoneycombTroy]

Chapter 3 is up

[quote name='=Evangelion=' timestamp='1294401347' post='4917385']
It's written like a foe fic, and it's food for a foe fic.
[/quote]
What's a foe fic

[quote name='Anbu-of-Sand' timestamp='1294452475' post='4918940']
The Chapters are faaaar to short. Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 combined could make perhaps, a quarter of an actual chapter, maybe even less in my opinion. And the whole Red Text / Blue Text seems unneeded, and with that gone (if your going to remove it), try not to use "I ___" a lot, unless the narrator is a character in the story. Otherwise, try out using there actual names such as "Blue said", "Red yelled", etc., but try not overdoing it with the word said every single time.

The story in most parts also need to be more descriptive, it seems so....boring. No actual description / detail happening. For example. One part says the following.

"A small spark of fire spits out of Pyro’s mouth and hits the Mankey. The Mankey gets hit back.
It then charges at Pyro and body slams it with full power. It had used the move Rage.
Pyro falls to the ground and gets back up."

This is very boring. This could be much more exciting by being more descriptive / adding detail. For example.

"Pyro took a great inhale, then exhaled, releasing a spark of fire straight at Mankey. The small spark hit Mankey straight on, making it fall with thud. The Mankey became full of anger, which made it clear it was now using the move rage. The Mankey charged at Pyro straight at it with a Body Slam with all it's might, which brought Pyro to the ground. Pyro took quite the beating, but slowly stood up to continue the battle."

The above although not the best, is much more 'exciting', and is much more descriptive / detailed. Also, try not to Leave a space after every sentence.
This makes your Chapters look longer.
Even though they are quite short.
It also makes the page stretch a bit as well.

There's no problem doing it every once in awhile, but try to use paragraphs more often. Leaving a space for a new paragraph when the scene changes, or you can leave a space after said paragraph for a one-liner or two, then continue on with the paragraph, but choose the right sentence when making a one-liner. I say this because there is no use of doing a one-liner if that one line is going to be something completely generic that could've been put into the paragraph before it.

That's all that comes from the top of my head, but otherwise, I kinda like the story, although with the errors, it has potential.
[/quote]
Thanks for the advice. I'll try that. See if it works.

[Chaos Number: Card Master]

I'm just a bit confused by the colours

[HoneycombTroy]

[quote name='CardMaster24' timestamp='1294460195' post='4919270']
I'm just a bit confused by the colours
[/quote]
If its Red, Red is the character thinking it. If its Blue, the character Blue is thinking it.
I tried to imagine what both characters would be thinking at the time.
WARNING. VIRIDIAN FOREST IS GONNA BE QUITE A FEW CHAPTERS

[HoneycombTroy]

Chapter 4 is up.

Chapter 5 up

[DARKPLANT RISING]

[quote name='Random Merlin' timestamp='1294454051' post='4918972']What's a foe fic[/quote]

A type of critiques in YCM (I don't know about other sites, possibly it's there too). It makes fun of some fan fics by interrupting every sentence they find an error in. When they do that they either change color or bold; the reason why I said it looks like a foe fic, along with the inevitable lack of description.

[.Nu-13]

The chapters are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to short

[HoneycombTroy]

BUMP