CQB Spartan Posted February 13, 2011 Report Share Posted February 13, 2011 This is supposed to be a short chapter book. [spoiler= Characters] Jackson Porter: Age: 25 Description: A criminal who took life a bad way. From bullying in elementary to toting pistols at a robbery. Never a Mr.Niceguy, he's someone you want on your side, instead of againts you. [/spoiler] [spoiler= Chapter 1: Wake up] Jackson Porter, a Miami, Florida criminal who was sentenced to Metrowest Detention Center. He killed 5 unfortunate people with a sniper rifle above rooftops. He was supposed to kill a different group of people. After a long discussion, the jury said "We find defendant Jackson Porter, guilty!" Judge Hoffman said, "Jackson Porter, I sentence you to prison for 20 years!" Judge Hoffman said. Jackson tried to run from this, but he was beaten down until there was lake of blood. He was knocked out. He was sent to a hospital for a couple blood packs. Then, to jail. He woke up 1 week later, in a prison cell. A guard walked by and tossed him his jail clothes. It said on them '[b]Hawk Penitentiary[/b]' "What the f***!" He yelled with anger and suprise, "I thought I was supposed be in Metrowest Detention Center! This is f***ing Bullsh*t!" A guard walked by and Jackson asked him wit anger and curiosity. "Where am I and why in the hell am I here!?" "Murders. Simple as Pi." The guard said."By the way, I'm your guard, Oh and welcome to Hawk Penitentiary. Would you like to know where you can have your ass wiped too?" "Nah. Instead, I'll beat you into pulp with my bare hands.", Jackson said. Jackson pulled the guard toward his bars and beat him to unconsciousness. He took his keys and switched his clothes to the guard's clothes. He put the guard in his old jail suit. He read the name tag. "Wayson Peterson" "eh, I can live with it." He said. He opened his cell, and walked out. He went down the hallways and saw a sign above a double-door saying 'EXIT'. He said in his mind, "Freedom!" He walked faster towards it. He tried to keep a low profile, if he had ran to it, some guards would probably think somethings up. He opened one of the double doors. He was disappointed at what saw. He exited the hallways, only to find a courtyard. It looked as if it was the size central park in NYC! Not to mention, guard towers at every angle. He saw a forest kind of background. He thought, "What the f***, is this Guantanamo Bay or somethin'?" In his mind, he said "God so help me, I will escape this god forsaken prison!" [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted February 13, 2011 Report Share Posted February 13, 2011 What a terrible story, so far. I mean, not one to judge since I barely proofread anything I write, but when it's barely a paragraph you'd think you could proofread it the slightest bit, to avoid basic errors like "beaten down gruesomely until he knocked out". You do have details, but none of the details seem even remotely important. He's thrown into a different prison then he expected, his judge had a name, he killed 5 people, he was sentenced to 20 years, the guard had a name. Also, said said said. There are better ways to express dialogue then "Hello" [b]said[/b] the boy. "Goodbye" [b]said[/b] the girl. Then again, you're 12 so you probably won't give a damn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CQB Spartan Posted February 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2011 [quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1297577260' post='5006185'] What a terrible story, so far. I mean, not one to judge since I barely proofread anything I write, but when it's barely a paragraph you'd think you could proofread it the slightest bit, to avoid basic errors like "beaten down gruesomely until he knocked out". You do have details, but none of the details seem even remotely important. He's thrown into a different prison then he expected, his judge had a name, he killed 5 people, he was sentenced to 20 years, the guard had a name. Also, said said said. There are better ways to express dialogue then "Hello" [b]said[/b] the boy. "Goodbye" [b]said[/b] the girl. Then again, you're 12 so you probably won't give a damn. [/quote] Alright I guess I can edit it, thx for the tips pika. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A20thCenturyBoy Posted February 13, 2011 Report Share Posted February 13, 2011 [spoiler=<3] [b]Daisuke: Alright, considering the fic we last reviewed was pretty bad, let’s see if this one can prove better. Dio: FIRST LINE HO[/b] Jackson Porter, a Miami, Florida criminal who was sentenced to Metrowest Detention Center. [b]Dio: Fond of fragmented sentences. Talked like Rorschach. Hrrm. Daisuke: For those of you unfamiliar to how the English language works, I suggest NOT writing fan fiction stories to post on the internet for all to see.[/b] He killed 5 unfortunate people with a sniper rifle above rooftops. [b]Daisuke: As opposed to FORTUNATE people being shot dead with a sniper rifle? Dio: Unfortunate in that they were standing right next to his actual targets. Gogol 13 he is NOT.[/b] After a long discussion, the jury said he was guilty. [b]Dio: All of which is dramatized in the film 12 Very Agreeable People. Daisuke: And of course, they all said this at the same time, out loud, for the whole court to hear, like the jury is supposed to do.[/b] Judge Hoffman said, "Jackson Porter, I sentence you to prison in 20 years!" Judge Hoffman said. [b]Dio: Judge Hoffman said, "So come back in 20 years, ok?" he said. Daisuke: “Yeah, uh…enjoy your last 20 years of freedom, I suppose?”[/b] Jackson tried to run from this, [b]Daisuke: Run from what? 20 years of freedom?[/b] but he was beaten down until there was lake of blood. [b]Daisuke: THERE WAS LAKE OF BLOOD Dio:An ocean of it, if you will. A blood ocean.[/b] He was knocked out. [b]Dio: I was under the impression that he could survive massive blood loss. By the way, isn't that considered police abuse? I mean, jeez, he was trying to get away, I know, but shouldn't you RESTRAIN him first? Daisuke: Ah, the lost art of restraint. Lost some time ago, around the time the art of proper grammar was lost as well.[/b] He was sent to a hospital for a blood pack. Then, to jail. [b]Dio:Then, to the first star to the right, and straight on till morning. Daisuke: Wait. He’s beaten down so severely there was [s]a[/s] lake of blood, but all he gets is a blood pack?[/b] He woke up 1 week later, in a prison cell. [b]Dio: I thought he'd wake up in Narnia! Daisuke: THE JUDGE LIED. HE SAID IN 20 YEARS[/b] A guard walked by a [b]PROOFREAD[/b] tossed him his jail clothes. It said on them 'Hawk Penitentiary' [b]Dio: "Dry clean only. Do not use cold wash."[/b] "What the f***!" He yelled with anger and suprise, [b]Dio: "But I just won a lifetime supply of Tide! God, damn it!" Daisuke: More importantly however, we must praise this author. He is such an incredible writer he decided instead of doing what most writers recommend, to show instead of tell, he decided to go back to the ‘telling’, with a great twist. Except, no wait. There was no twist.[/b] "I thought I was supposed be in Metrowest Detention Center! [b]Daisuke: Oooh, plot twist! Dio: Well, y'see, it turns out Metrowest was a HOTEL, so we kept getting prisoners asking for room service.[/b] This is f***ing Bullsh*t!" [b]Dio: Actually, it is. HE KILLED PEOPLE AND HE ONLY GOT 20 YEARS? GIVE HIM THE CHAIR Daisuke: Correction, he got jail IN 20 years.[/b] A guard walked by and Jackson asked him wit anger and curiosity. [b]Dio: "Which of those three qualities don't I have?" "Wit.” Daisuke: This writer is obviously so majestically talented, he decided to leave this here for us to think it is a spelling error, when, in truth, it is what he really meant, because our protagonist feels acting gangster will aid his cause. This is a wonderful piece of characterization, and the author should be given props for such mind-blowing skill. Or maybe he just forgot to proofread.[/b] "Where am I and why in the hell am I here!?" [b]Dio: Now don't you start getting into philosophy on us. Daisuke: Because you…I don‘t know…killed five unfortunate people? (and lord knows how many fortunate ones)[/b] "I don't know kid!" The guard said."I'm just your guard." [b]Dio: "I'm just a guard, yes I'm only a guard, and working at a prison is hard."[/b] "Not anymore", Jackson said. [b]Dio: "CAUSE THEY JUST DECLARED A MISTRIAL!" Daisuke: “Oh right, it’s been postponed for twenty years, as per the judge’s command right before you were beat to lake of blood.” [/b] Jackson pulled the guard toward his bars and beat him to unconsciousness. [b]Dio: It's not like he had a baton or anything. Daisuke: What a lame guard. I want to have a guard like that when I go to prison due to insanity because of reviewing fics like these![/b] He took his keys and switched his clothes to the guard's clothes. [b]Dio: It doesn't say he opened the cell, so one can only assume he stripped the guard right in the hall from his cell. MACGUYVER, EVERYBODY! Daisuke: Oh dear god, you’re right. Great, another odd fetish. As if Yorui wasn’t enough. [color=Blue]PAJAMAS~[/color] Oh shut up, Yorui. Go get your first Pokemon or something.[/b] He read the name tag. "Wayson Peterson" [b]Daisuke: Wayson Peterson? I wanna name my kid that now. Dio: WAYSON'S WORLD, WAYSON'S WORLD! IT'S PARTY TIME! EXCELLENT![/b] "Eh, I can live with it." He said. [b]Daisuke: Oh no, we are NOT getting into this whole “capitalizing after speech” thing. Dio: Maybe you can, but I CAN'T! GET ME OUT OF THIS! GET ME OOOOOOOUT![/b] He went down the hallways and saw a sign saying 'EXIT'. [b]Dio: YES! Daisuke: Conveniently, he saw no one as he went down the various hallways in search of the exit. And wait, why is there a big sign saying ‘EXIT‘ in a jail anyway?[/b] He said in his mind, "Freedom!" [b]Dio: I couldn't agree more! Daisuke: So our protagonist doesn’t need to think, just say things in his mind to himself. Which…amounts to thinking.[/b] He walked faster towards it. [b]Dio: COME ONNNNN Daisuke: Come on, Dio, give him a break, while enduring extremely harsh marksmanship training, he forgot how to do the simple things in life, like running.[/b] He opened it. [b]Daisuke: That sentence was so boring it almost put me out of the misery that is reading this. Dio: YES! WE ARE DONE WITH THIS-[/b] He was dissapointed. [b]Dio: …no. Daisuke: …*falls asleep drooling*[/b] He exited the hallways, only to find a courtyard. [b]Dio: NO.[/b] It looked as if it was the size central park in NYC! [b]Dio: NONONONONO![/b] In his mind, he said "God so help me, I will escape this god forsaken prison!" [b]Dio: MOTHERF*CKER! NO! NO! NO! BULLSH*T, BULLSH*T, BULLSH*T NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Daisuke: *wakes up, wipes away drool* Huh? It‘s over? WOOT. *serious face time* Daisuke: Okay, I’ll try to be understandable and nice about this. This story sucks. The writing sucks, the grammar sucks to the point of giving the sentence a new meaning entirely, the character is flatter than a brick, and when people are cursing and yelling about your story not ending when they thought it would, there’s something wrong. Second fic we’ve reviewed, and not only was it not better than the last one, it was almost twice as bad, if that’s possible. Either learn to write English properly, learn to not SUCK while writing, or the only advice I can give is, stop posting this sort of disease in a website. Dio: THIS STORY MAKES ME ASHAMED TO BE A FLORIDIAN! I'm Dio, this is Daisuke, AND WE'RE GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THIS STORY! [/b] [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CQB Spartan Posted February 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2011 major editing, thx A20 and Pika, please read again parts added or edited Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted February 13, 2011 Report Share Posted February 13, 2011 This story is still really bad and you're still 12 years old. Honestly, not trying to be mean but you should seriously consider quitting this, until you become a better writer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A20thCenturyBoy Posted February 14, 2011 Report Share Posted February 14, 2011 I mean no offense by this, and wish you to take this well... [size="7"]BUT YOUR EDITS ARE TOTAL, UTTER, AND COMPLETE CRAP![/size] You added some more sentences, but it seems more like filler than anything. You made no attempt to fix what you wrote, just add a couple sentences that [B]BARELY[/B] elaborate on the story's events. My advice? PLOT. PLOT OUT THE STORY IN ADVANCE. GO INTO DETAIL, WORK ON YOUR GRAMMAR, AND TRY TO GET US HOOKED BY CHAPTER ONE. WHO IS THIS GUY? WHY SHOULD WE CARE? WHAT HAPPENED IN THE TRIAL? SHOW US WHAT HAPPENED, DON'T TELL US! MAKE YOUR CHAPTERS LONGER, AND PROOFREAD, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PROOFREAD! THEN MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, [size="7"]IT WON'T SUCK![/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CQB Spartan Posted February 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 14, 2011 [quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1297641347' post='5007515'] This story is still really bad and [u]you're still 12 years old[/u]. Honestly, not trying to be mean but you should seriously consider quitting this, until you become a better writer. [/quote] Age is nothin but a # Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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