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Gospel.

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[center][img]http://img266.imageshack.us/img266/2519/470708103jpgset1hrfcset.jpg[/img]
This card cannot be Normal Summoned or Set. This card can only be Special Summoned when your opponent increases the ATK or DEF of a monster by 500 or more. This card cannot be destroyed by battle. Once per turn, you can discard 2 cards and inflict 1000 points of damage to your opponent. If you do, you conduct your Battle Phase this turn. When this card destroys and opponent's monster by battle, increase your life points by that monster's original ATK. When this card is destroyed, you can pay 1000 Life Points to Special Summon 1 "Aquatic Contortionist" from your deck.[/center]
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Way UP.

You discard 2 and lose your Battle Phase? Too much for a piddling amount. I'm assuming you meant cannot conduct?

Its LP recovery is completely extraneous, given my next point.

Bad stats, considering it's effect.

Summoning conditions are odd...

WHERE does it SS from? Hand? Deck? Grave?

And, the final effect is unusable, because you left out the "or by this card's effect" clause after the SS conditions.

Overall, I'd give it a 2.5/10

No, you got no points for name/pic, as it is not the card itself, playability-wise.
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OCG fix:
This card cannot be Normal Summoned or Set. This card can only be Special Summoned when your opponent increases the ATK or DEF of a monster by 500 or more. This card cannot be destroyed by battle. Once per turn, you can discard 2 cards and inflict 1000 points of damage to your opponent. If you do, monsters you control must attack if able. When this card destroys and opponent's monster by battle, increase your life points by that monster's original ATK. When this card is destroyed, you can pay 1000 Life Points to Special Summon 1 "Aquatic Contortionist" from your deck, ignoring the summoning conditions.

Quick note: You were going for the "Burn for 1000, but your monsters have to attack", or is it "burn for 1000 INSTEAD of your monsters attacking"?
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