Lazer Yoshi Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometers? The taste. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Masochistic Joker Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 Note: Stories are entirely fictional. Better: my buddy and I were out camping in a dry summer day and his older friend was being mean to me so in his sleep we rolled him over, slid a bottle rocket up his ass and lit it. Buddy just got a 17 kill streak and starts yelling, "I'm on fire" I take my cigarette out of my mouth and reply "No you're not" I take out a lighter and light him on fire and say "now you are" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nu. Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 [quote name='Masochistic Joker' timestamp='1298932716' post='5041920'] Note: Stories are entirely fictional. Better: my buddy and I were out camping in a dry summer day and his older friend was being mean to me so in his sleep we rolled him over, slid a bottle rocket up his ass and lit it. Buddy just got a 17 kill streak and starts yelling, "I'm on fire" I take my cigarette out of my mouth and reply "No you're not" I take out a lighter and light him on fire and say "now you are" [/quote] Poor bastard. I suppose that's what you get for being a Jew. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Masochistic Joker Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 [quote name='Nu%2E' timestamp='1298932902' post='5041938'] Poor bastard. I suppose that's what you get for being a Jew. [/quote] I fear for the jew that works in a german pizza hut, just saying. Voice of god: "Johanni, fear the ovens and don't drop the pizza" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judedudemude Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 jew did ablsoutley nothing to anyone anywhere ........ ever every one picks on jews that very sad very sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I-dreezyAFG Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 "yo mama's so stupid she went to the dentist to get a blue tooth". hilarious. me and my (muslim, just a coinicedence) friends were talking about bush and then we started making jokes. one said, "what kind of bush did america pee in?" i've heard/read/made up lots of other hilarious innapropriate jokes, but no. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Amazing Avian Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 [spoiler=I got another one]One day the angels that guard the entrance to heaven get bored and decide that they're only letting in people who have a cool story as to how they died. First dead guy of the day comes up and they ask him how he died, he says, "I suspected my wife was cheating on me, so I decided to plant a camera in my bedroom so I could catch her in the act. I saw her and another guy doing it. The next day, I decided to come to work at the time it said on the recording. I got home and I looked at the balcony on my apartment and saw that they had seen me. i got out of the car and ran inside. I got to the bedroom and started looking around for the b@stard. I look out the balcony and see him hanging on the railing. I grab a hammer and start pounding on his hand until he falls down. He lands in a rosebush and I look around for something to drop on him. I run to the kitchen and drag my fridge back into the room and drop it on the guy and kill him, then I popped an artery from the stress and died." The angels, impressed let him in, the next guy shows up with a puzzled look on his face and the angels ask him how he died. He says, "I have exercise equipment on my apartment balcony. I picked up a dumbbell and saw a spider on it. I have arachnophobia so I freak out and fall over the balcony, but catch onto the railing on the balcony under mine. The guy looks at me and he looked pissed. Out of nowhere he starts beating my hand with a hammer until I fall into a rosebush. I thought it was over and I try to limp away, but then I look up and hes trying to shove his fridge over the railing. I'm scared out of my mind right now and then the fridge falls on me and i died." The angels, knowing his death was connected to the first guy's death let him in. A third guy comes in and the angels ask him how he died. He says, "Okay get this, I'm naked in a fridge....."[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deathcore Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 [quote name='Random Dude' timestamp='1298952140' post='5042924'] [spoiler=I got another one]One day the angels that guard the entrance to heaven get bored and decide that they're only letting in people who have a cool story as to how they died. First dead guy of the day comes up and they ask him how he died, he says, "I suspected my wife was cheating on me, so I decided to plant a camera in my bedroom so I could catch her in the act. I saw her and another guy doing it. The next day, I decided to come to work at the time it said on the recording. I got home and I looked at the balcony on my apartment and saw that they had seen me. i got out of the car and ran inside. I got to the bedroom and started looking around for the b@stard. I look out the balcony and see him hanging on the railing. I grab a hammer and start pounding on his hand until he falls down. He lands in a rosebush and I look around for something to drop on him. I run to the kitchen and drag my fridge back into the room and drop it on the guy and kill him, then I popped an artery from the stress and died." The angels, impressed let him in, the next guy shows up with a puzzled look on his face and the angels ask him how he died. He says, "I have exercise equipment on my apartment balcony. I picked up a dumbbell and saw a spider on it. I have arachnophobia so I freak out and fall over the balcony, but catch onto the railing on the balcony under mine. The guy looks at me and he looked pissed. Out of nowhere he starts beating my hand with a hammer until I fall into a rosebush. I thought it was over and I try to limp away, but then I look up and hes trying to shove his fridge over the railing. I'm scared out of my mind right now and then the fridge falls on me and i died." The angels, knowing his death was connected to the first guy's death let him in. A third guy comes in and the angels ask him how he died. He says, "Okay get this, I'm naked in a fridge....."[/spoiler] [/quote] I don't know why, but I died laughing from that. Here's one I found on the Internet that I thought was pretty funny. [spoiler="Two Zebras Pondering..."] Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." That night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, 'You are what you are.'" The other zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, 'Yo is what yo is.'"[/spoiler] Yeah...I thought that was funny. Don't shoot me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judedudemude Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 I REP random dude that was a petty D4MN good joke [Spoiler=jokes about events that really happen] [Spoiler=the captian's blabbermouth parrot and the hack magican (TRUE STORY)]A magician was working a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician was honing his act, performing the same tricks week after week. The act was only so-so, but the drunk and over-stuffed passengers seemed to like him enough. There was a problem developing though. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick, and after a few months he began to heckle the magician, shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show. "Look, BBRRAAARK it's not the same hat!" he would say. Or, "Look, he's hiding the BBRRAAARK flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the BBRRAAARK cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one dark and stormy night, Needless to say, the magician didn't take this well, and one night, while the parrot was busy giving away his secrets, the magician pulled out a revolver and shot at the bird. Unfortunately, the parrot ducked and the bullet hit a propane tank and blew the ship to smithereens. The only survivors were the magician and the parrot, and as the two of them were clinging to planks of wood at sea, They stared at each other. The parrot with disdain for the hack, the magician with hatred burning in his eyes for the parrot. For days they did not utter a word. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot couldn't hold back any longer and blurted out.... "OK, BBRRAAARK I give up. BBRRAAARK Where's the BBRRAAARK d4mn ship?"[/Spoiler] [Spoiler= the mighty captain and his colorful clothes (TRUE STORY)]Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"[/Spoiler] [/Spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Masochistic Joker Posted March 2, 2011 Report Share Posted March 2, 2011 [quote name='judedudemude' timestamp='1298939078' post='5042342'] jew did ablsoutley nothing to anyone anywhere ........ ever every one picks on jews that very sad very sad [/quote] Jews have always been persecuted, get used to it. When Queen Isabella of Spain desired unification. She had all jews and muslims that stayed killed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezmoe Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 I got one. [spoiler= Joke] 3 guys are in cafe for breakfast. GUY 1 says, "I have the smallest head in the world." GUY 2 says, "I have the smallest arm in the world." GUY 3 says, "I have the smallest penis in the world." Later that day, they all went to Guiness World Records to prove it. GUY 1 says, "I really do have the smallest head in the world!" GUY 2 says, "I really do have the smallest arm in the world!" GUY 3 SCREAMS, "WHO THE f*** IS JUSTIN BIEBER!?" [/spoiler] LOLOLOLOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Masochistic Joker Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 [quote name='.:Zankogen Sakurana:.' timestamp='1299115665' post='5047020'] I got one. [spoiler= Joke] 3 guys are in cafe for breakfast. GUY 1 says, "I have the smallest head in the world." GUY 2 says, "I have the smallest arm in the world." GUY 3 says, "I have the smallest penis in the world." Later that day, they all went to Guiness World Records to prove it. GUY 1 says, "I really do have the smallest head in the world!" GUY 2 says, "I really do have the smallest arm in the world!" GUY 3 SCREAMS, [b]"WHO THE f*** IS JUSTIN BIEBER!?"- Ozzie Osbourne [/spoiler][/b] LOLOLOLOL [/quote] Fixed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grunt Issun Posted March 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 [quote name='Deathcore' timestamp='1298966147' post='5043134'] I don't know why, but I died laughing from that. [/quote] Did the angels accept you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nu. Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 [quote name='judedudemude' timestamp='1298939078' post='5042342'] jew did ablsoutley nothing to anyone anywhere ........ ever every one picks on jews that very sad very sad [/quote] Silence, Jew. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wahrheit Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 Joke: Religion. Joke: Politics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judedudemude Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 [Spoiler=BEST JOKE EVER] 3 guys are in cafe for breakfast. GUY 1 says, "I have the smallest head in the world." GUY 2 says, "I have the smallest arm in the world." GUY 3 says, "I have the smallest penis in the world." Later that day, they all went to Guiness World Records to prove it. GUY 1 says, "I really do have the smallest head in the world!" GUY 2 says, "I really do have the smallest arm in the world!" GUY 3 SCREAMS, "WHO THE f*** IS JUSTIN BIEBER!? [/Spoiler] it one thing to called me a jew to my face but though a computer ??? that weak ....... [Spoiler=for the other people] QUIT CALLING ME A JEW YOU FAT FU<K !!! (i did watch southpark last night) [/Spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grunt Issun Posted March 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 If con is the opposite of pro, does that mean the congress is the opposite of progress? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nu. Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 [quote name='judedudemude' timestamp='1299176757' post='5048361'] it one thing to called me a jew to my face but though a computer ??? that weak ....... [/quote] Well, feel free to give me your full name and address any time you like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezmoe Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 I GOTTA NOTHA ONE! An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judedudemude Posted March 5, 2011 Report Share Posted March 5, 2011 i like jokes like every one else some jokes maybe a little racial which is fine but let reframe ourself form starting some thing we would reget the ycm staff have a high policy agaist racial statements and Zankogen Sakurana:. that joke about the old italian mafiaso was quite unquie an funny so you get a rep form me !!! did any one read my 2 jokes those 2 are in my top favorites ??? ( i tried to keep my jokes clean, pg 13 and, no racial comments because the kids under 15/17 that might come on here (YCM) ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dokktorawesome Posted March 6, 2011 Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 [spoiler='First 5 letters of the alphabet joke(my version)']One day a kid had to tell the teacher the first 5 letters of the alphabet for homework. When he got home, he asked his older sister, who was on the phone. She said, "Shut up." Then he asked his older brother who was watching TV. He said, "Shut up." Then he asked his mom who was calling the pizza guy. She said, "Yes I do, yes I do." Then he asked his little brother who was watching Wall-E. He said, "Walle-E." Finally he asked his little sister who was flushing the toilet. She said, "Down the toilet, down the toilet." When he got to school the next day, the teacher asked him,"What are the first 5 letters of the alphabet?" He said, "Shut up." The teacher said, "What did you say, young man?" He said, "Shut up." The teacher said, "Would like to go to the principal's office?" He said, "Yes I do, yes I do." When he got to the principal's office, the principal asked him,"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" He said, "Wall-E." The principal asked, "Where do you live?" He said, "Down the toilet, down the toilet."[/spoiler] [spoiler='Three Words Joke']A boy was told by his teacher to learn 3 new words. At the airport he learned "Take off." At the zoo he learned "Zebra." At the hospital he learned "Baby." When the teacher asked him, "What are the 3 words have you learned?" He said, "Take off ze bra, babe."[/spoiler] Funny for me. What about for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mister Sir Posted March 7, 2011 Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-bcwujO1_M Great joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judedudemude Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 yugiohbakuganpokemon One day a kid had to tell the teacher the first 5 letters of the alphabet for homework. When he got home, he asked his older sister, who was on the phone. She said, "Shut up." Then he asked his older brother who was watching TV. He said, "Shut up." Then he asked his mom who was calling the pizza guy. She said, "Yes I do, yes I do." Then he asked his little brother who was watching Wall-E. He said, "Walle-E." Finally he asked his little sister who was flushing the toilet. She said, "Down the toilet, down the toilet." When he got to school the next day, the teacher asked him,"What are the first 5 letters of the alphabet?" He said, "Shut up." The teacher said, "What did you say, young man?" He said, "Shut up." The teacher said, "Would like to go to the principal's office?" He said, "Yes I do, yes I do." When he got to the principal's office, the principal asked him,"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" He said, "Wall-E." The principal asked, "Where do you live?" He said, "Down the toilet, down the toilet." that was great 1 rep for that the other not as great the captian's blabbermouth parrot and the hack magican (TRUE STORY) A magician was working a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician was honing his act, performing the same tricks week after week. The act was only so-so, but the drunk and over-stuffed passengers seemed to like him enough. There was a problem developing though. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick, and after a few months he began to heckle the magician, shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show. "Look, BBRRAAARK it's not the same hat!" he would say. Or, "Look, he's hiding the BBRRAAARK flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the BBRRAAARK cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one dark and stormy night, Needless to say, the magician didn't take this well, and one night, while the parrot was busy giving away his secrets, the magician pulled out a revolver and shot at the bird. Unfortunately, the parrot ducked and the bullet hit a propane tank and blew the ship to smithereens. The only survivors were the magician and the parrot, and as the two of them were clinging to planks of wood at sea, They stared at each other. The parrot with disdain for the hack, the magician with hatred burning in his eyes for the parrot. For days they did not utter a word. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot couldn't hold back any longer and blurted out.... "OK, BBRRAAARK I give up. BBRRAAARK Where's the BBRRAAARK d4mn ship?" the mighty captain and his colorful clothes (TRUE STORY) Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nu. Posted March 8, 2011 Report Share Posted March 8, 2011 This thread makes me lose faith in humanity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gospel. Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 [IMG]http://i1105.photobucket.com/albums/h357/OctaviusSH/batman_first_i_was_like_At_First_I_Was_Like-s600x1093-65185.jpg[/IMG] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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