Pichu Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 I'm here with another FanFic. This one is about my character in the RP Team Pokemon V.S. Team Disaster by ► Jolta ◄. Yes there will be event from the RP in the fanfic. But not till later. This is Austin Black's life. EDIT: I had to repost this because of some Mod Note: At the end of each chapter there will be a spoiler which tells you Austin's current Pokemon Status such as, Party Pokemon, Pokemon at Home, Given Away, Traded, etc. Now let's get to the story, shall we? [spoiler=Chapter 1- Baby Pokemon Trainer] Lucas Black was a young 26-year-old man who was strolling the shops of SunyShore City. At the same time, Rose Hem, a 24-year-old young women, was also wondering the shops. A small Lilipup was in Rose's arm. Lucas was walking with his sister, Jamie. Jamie was about 17 and had a Geodude following her. "I have to pee." she said to her brother. Lucas looked at her. "Hold it." "Hold it!? I'm a girl! I can't hold it!" "Damn it, Jamie!" Lucas yelled. Geodude pulled Jamie away. Lucas looked down and pulled some keys out of his pocket. "Here." Lucas said handing Jamie the keys. "Go back to my place and use the bathroom." he continued. Jamie took the keys and skipped away. Her Geodude followed. Lucas turned back to a stand of Poke Block. Rose and her Lilipup walked slowly down the sidewalks. She was staring down. Lilipup was still in her arms. She walked onto the road that the Poke Block stand was on. Lucas walked away from the stand and right into Rose. They both fell onto the ground. Lilipup landed on Lucas's head. Rose sat up and grabbed Lilipup. "I-I'm sorry." Rose said. Lucas started to get up. "No prob..." Lucas said as his eyes met Rose's. Rose smiled. "H-Hi.... I'm Rose." she said. "Lucas. Lucas Black." he replied. Lucas stood up and helped Rose up. They walked for a while and talked. They all loved the same things. And inside, each other. Lucas offered to take her back to his house and make her dinner. She accepted. They traveled to Lucas's house and sat down for a romantic dinner. Jamie walked in. "Oh. Here's your keys." Jamie said placing the keys on Lucas's coffee table. She ran out fast. Geodude smiled and followed her. Lucas and Rose returned to their dinner. Soon, Lucas and Rose started to date. Two years later, the couple got married. Rose moved in with Lucas in SunyShore City. After a year they had their first kid, Volkner Black. Volkner became a Pokemon Trainer after his mother got pregnant again. Nine months later, Austin Lee Black was born. Austin was a tan, red-haired kid like his mother. He was around two when he started to walk and talk. Then one day, Lucas, Rose, Volkner, and Austin visted one of the many SunyShore Beaches. Pokemon lived on the beach. But this one Pokemon caught Austin's eye. It was a young, female Pichu. The two year old wandered over to the Pokemon. The Pichu was shy, but Austin got it to play with him, Volkner, and Rose's Herdier. Lucas caught the Pichu and gave it to Austin. "What you want to name it?" Lucas asked Austin. Austin could only said one word. "Piku!" The name stuck to Pichu. Piku was Austin's first Pokemon. [spoiler=Austin's Current Pokemon] [spoiler=Party Pokemon] [img]http://archives.bulbagarden.net/media/upload/4/4e/Ani172MS.png[/img] Piku [/spoiler] [/spoiler] [/spoiler] Enjoy~! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolta Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 lol... Well... my guess is that Rose was from Unova... Lillipup can only be found in Unova. Well, Pichu aren't native to the sandy beaches. They tend to stay in Forests, Grassy Patches or Powerplants. Well, [b]maybe[/b] Surfing Pichu [i]do[/i] live near beaches. And soon he'll get Zapdos Spiky-eared Pichu, Sam owns one, maybe Austin will soon. lolPainSpplit. Hmmmm.... this setting looks... normal. Its actually better than your other fics. Try to maintain it that way, and since this is the 1st Chapter I won't criticise on shortness. If I were you, he'd most likely reach adulthood by Chapter 3. Or 4. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 I think you need to describe your characters more, I only vaguely know what Austin looks like and how Rose looks since they're similar. But how long is Rose's hair, long, short, no idea how to picture Lucas or Jamie either. And you're using too many simple sentences, like this paragraph for example. [quote name='Pichu' timestamp='1300066080' post='5072452'] Rose and her Lilipup walked slowly down the sidewalks. She was staring down. Lilipup was still in her arms. She walked onto the road that the Poke Block stand was on. Lucas walked away from the stand and right into Rose. They both fell onto the ground. Lilipup landed on Lucas's head. Rose sat up and grabbed Lilipup. [/quote] Try combining sentences and try to make them more interesting. Something like this maybe. [quote name='Pichu' timestamp='1300066080' post='5072452'] Rose walked slowly down the sidewalk, staring at the Lilipup cradled in her arms. She neared the Poke Block stand as Lucas departed from it, crashing into each other in surprise. The Lilipup flew, landing on Lucas' head before a hurried Rose reached over to grab it. [/quote] There's probably a better example, but don't be afraid of descriptive writing, it's your friend. Other than that, the story's more fitting for a prologue than a chapter, with the whole "set-up" atmosphere and such. But considering the plot is based from an RP character, I'm sure it'll flourish and become better along the way. Here's hoping you stick to it this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted March 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 [quote name='► Jolta ◄' timestamp='1300107690' post='5073103'] lol...Well... my guess is that Rose was from Unova...Lillipup can only be found in Unova.Well, Pichu aren't native to the sandy beaches. They tend to stay in Forests, Grassy Patches or Powerplants.Well, [b]maybe[/b] Surfing Pichu [i]do[/i] live near beaches.And soon he'll get ZapdosSpiky-eared Pichu, Sam owns one, maybe Austin will soon. lolPainSpplit.Hmmmm.... this setting looks... normal. Its actually better than your other fics. Try to maintain it that way, and since this is the 1st Chapter I won't criticise on shortness.If I were you, he'd most likely reach adulthood by Chapter 3. Or 4. [/quote] Rose is from the Orange Islands! And around chapter 4 is when the Team Pokemon vs Team Disaster attacks happen but he wont meet Sam till about chapter five. [quote name='Fusion X. Denver' timestamp='1300115070' post='5073217'] I think you need to describe your characters more, I only vaguely know what Austin looks like and how Rose looks since they're similar. But how long is Rose's hair, long, short, no idea how to picture Lucas or Jamie either.And you're using too many simple sentences.Try combining sentences and try to make them more interesting. Something like this maybe.There's probably a better example, but don't be afraid of descriptive writing, it's your friend.Other than that, the story's more fitting for a prologue than a chapter, with the whole "set-up" atmosphere and such. But considering the plot is based from an RP character, I'm sure it'll flourish and become better along the way.Here's hoping you stick to it this time. [/quote] Thanks. It was a hurry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted March 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 bumpo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 The entire first three paragraphs are filler garbage. The last paragraph was regular garbage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted March 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 well thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DARKPLANT RISING Posted March 17, 2011 Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 [i]Lucas Black was a young 26-year-old man who was strolling the shops of SunyShore City. At the same time, Rose Hem, a 24-year-old young women, was also wondering the shops. A small Lilipup was in Rose's arm. Lucas was walking with his sister, Jamie. Jamie was about 17 and had a Geodude following her. "I have to pee." she said to her brother. Lucas looked at her. "Hold it." "Hold it!? I'm a girl! I can't hold it!" "Damn it, Jamie!" Lucas yelled. Geodude pulled Jamie away. Lucas looked down and pulled some keys out of his pocket. "Here." Lucas said handing Jamie the keys. "Go back to my place and use the bathroom." he continued. Jamie took the keys and skipped away. Her Geodude followed. Lucas turned back to a stand of Poke Block.[/i] Let me give a very summed-up review. [spoiler=Spoiler]No.[/spoiler][/topic] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted March 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2011 thanks.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted March 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tentacruel Posted March 22, 2011 Report Share Posted March 22, 2011 Too short and not descriptive enough. Granted, it's all backstory at this point, but it's still not descriptive enough. Also, the sentences are far too abrupt. Try harder bro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted March 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2011 Chapter two will be longer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted March 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2011 bumpo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolta Posted March 31, 2011 Report Share Posted March 31, 2011 That's pretteh long time... Can't wait for Chap 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted March 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2011 Chapters 2-5 are finished and Chapter 2 will be uploaded tonight! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted April 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2011 Chapter 2 has been edited and will be up soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenrir Posted April 9, 2011 Report Share Posted April 9, 2011 [center][url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/244807-fen-darks-fan-fic-reviewing-and-generally-wasting-time/"]Thank you for wasting our time,[/url] [url=http://tindeck.com/listen/xwwj]Click here to listen to [b]darkmmxii_2011.04.02.Sat.00.01.56.mp3[/b][/url][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catterjune Posted April 10, 2011 Report Share Posted April 10, 2011 When are you gonna update this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pichu Posted April 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2011 bumo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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