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Arazel - The Anecdote of a God

Aesirson

By Aesirson
in Creative Writing

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Aesirson Newbie

Aesirson

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[spoiler=Chapter 1: The Small Poof Theory]Eons ago, before anything else, there was only a pie in existance. However, this pie ceased to exist, and no one know how, but since there was only this pie in existence experts agree that the pie must have eaten itself. The actions that made the pie disappear set in course the event later known as the Big Bang. You may have heard about how nothing exploded into a universe full of stars, planets and other floating particles.

How this is relevant to our story since it takes place so long after these events I do not know, but it's still worth mentioning. This story takes place in a well-known city in the United States of America, New York. On November 31st, I have no idea how that happened, a bastard child is born. His mother cried the day he was born. She barely had enough money to take care of herself, and she knew that a child is not an easy task to take on alone.

She named him Arazel, for that was the name his father had gone by during their short-lived relationship. She had no idea what had become of him, she had only known him for about a day before he left her, never to be seen again.

Somehow life turned after little Arazel was born, only a week later his mother got deggum. What? You've never been deggum before? It's when random people walk up to you and give you money. It usually only happen to everyone but you.

Anyway, Arazel's mother could now afford living in a fancier home than the ghetto she and her son had lived in earlier. All was not a dance on roses for Arazel's mother, however, since she got her face burned while baking bread. She's not a very clever girl. Arazel, on the other hand, was unusually smart for a child his age. At the age of two he said his first word, godfist, and at the age of six, when he first went to school, he was significantly smarter than the other children.

When he grew even older weird things started to happen around him. While his classmates went out partying, drinking and other stuff they shouldn't have done, because they all ended up as hobos, Arazel would sit at the harbor summoning flying whales out of the water. At least in his imagination. He was still smarter than the other juveniles, and despite his strange behaviour his classmates, "friends" if you want, respected him.

When he was 18, Arazel started creating marvelous devices and trinkets. For instance one of his first inventions was a glove that gave him godlike powers, and using this glove he decided to become what he had always wanted to be.

A God.

Now that would be a fancy, cliché-filled ending to the first chapter, wouldn't it? Too bad I still have to fill it out a bit more or else it would be a wee-bit too short.

Arazel called his glove "Godfist", and using it he performed various miracles, for instance the whalesummoning I was ranting on about earlier. Only this time they were real, flying whales. This act of godlike doings caused a lot of problems for the inhabitants in New York. Even though only three whales were summoned only two thirds of them returned back to the sea. The third one nested on the top of the Empire State Building and gave birth to flying whale babies.

This is the story of Arazel, his Godfist, and his various adventure, misadventures and flapjacks as he will travel through time, space and the dirty subway of New York to achieve the dreams chased by many but reached by few.

Speaking of hedgehogs, did you know that they are the most intelligent quadrupedal creature in the entire universe? On their homeplanet they live in a vastly civilized society by the rules of the Stack, which is their religion. The hedgehogs once decided to wage war against Earth, but due to a massive miscalculation and their captain holding the map upside down they ended up at the right place. They didn't expect us to have cars, though, and was degraded to critters.[/spoiler][spoiler=Chapter 2: Lowcountryman]I see you made it through chapter 1? And you still decided to keep on reading? Or did you skip chapter 1 because you thought "Chapter 1 won't have any action I'll skip to chapter 2"? You should read chapter 1, it contains information important for chapter 3. And by the way this chapter won't be important for the plot at all, so you might as well skip it.

Just kidding.

As I have already stated Arazel built a power glove that he named the Godfist, which gave him godlike powers. Now you may think "He should use it to become rich and get a lot of booze and booty."

Arazel doesn't think that way. Arazel is a great thinker, and he needed a rival. Why? Entertainment. The reason so many people trusted God long ago was because they had belief in him. These days, the majority of the world's population believes more in media than the church. Media = Entertainment. Problem solved.

Arazel created another Godfist and gave it to the first man he found on the street. This man happened to be a deggumer, and gave the glove back to Arazel. Arazel then gave the fist to a twelve-year-old boy from Norway, because Arazel knew that Norwegians cannot be trusted with great power. The boy's name was Ola, and Ola quickly learned that he could do anything with the glove that Arazel had given to him.

Ola had moved with his family to New York just a year ago, and Ola was still being bullied in school for being Norwegian and fat. Now Ola used the gloves power to win all the ladies and beat the crap out of all the bullies. He also used it to win arguments on the internet by warping reality to fit his opinion.

The world became chaos, but Arazel was pleased. He now had an enemy, and the world would be entertained once they faced on the battlefield.

Only problem was that Ola escaped Arazel all the time. Arazel understood that when giving the glove to a norwegian he had created the worst enemy that the universe had ever seen. Arazel had to get rid of Ola once and for all, and he knew how to get Ola out of hiding.

He made a sale on Walmart, for Arazel knew that norwegians cannot keep their economic, oil-dripping hands away from cheap stuff. They are drawn to it like polish people are drawn to the forest to pick berries.

As planned, Ola and his family went to Walmart, and Arazel knew exactly where to wait for Ola. In the toy department.

Even though he was twelve years old Ola was still collecting dolls -sorry- Action Figures, and Arazel knew that Ola could not resist the new Action Jesus Figure that had just been released. When Ola realized he had stepped into Arazel's trap there was no escaping. They were locked in combat. Ola did the only reasonable thing at this point. He challenged Arazel to a Children's Card Game.

"[s]Det er jeg som begynner[/s] I will start this duel by drawing a card. Hah!" Ola shouted, drawing a card. "I activate the card Bronies, which calls four ponies to do my bidding."

As if it was totally normal four pink ponies appeared and pierced Arazel with their evil stare, but Arazel resisted the power of their overused meme.

"I play the card Anteater!" Arazel explained, summoning a f*cking anteater to his side. The anteater quickly destroyed the four ponies and made Ola lose the game. You also lost the Game. Sucks to be you, doesn't it?

"Enough of your childish plays!" Arazel expressed. "It is time to duke it out like the two gods we are!"

"You forget that my powers are equal to yours!" Ola said and held up his Godfist.

"No I didn't, I just said we were both gods!" Arazel shouted at Ola, who was now charging some kind of energy around his Godfist.

"With my awesome powers I shall create an armor worthy a god!" The [s]toys[/s] Action figures around Ola was absorbed into his Godfist, which started to grow until, crushing the window of the Walmart. It finally transformed into a fully sized Gundam, covered in gold. Ola was in this Gundam, ready to destroy Arazel so that he would stop pestering him.

"You're not the only one who can do that!" Arazel held up his Godfist and did the same, absorbing all the tools in the tool department of the shop. His Godfist did the same, transforming into another giant robot. "Now we are truly equals. This will end here and now." Arazel's mech pointed his arm towards Ola's Gundam. In an act of awesomeness it transformed into a giant drill. "This is the drill that will pierce the heavens!"

"These hands of mine glows with an awesome power!" Ola screamed, his Gundam's hands glowing with a green light. "It's burning grip tells me to defeat you!" He claped his hands together to let the energy form a giant sword. "Take this! My love, my anger and all of my sorrow!" He held the sword up to the sky. "SHIIIIIIINIIIING FIIIIIIIINGER!"

The giant mech jumped into the air, holding its sword high above its head. At the same time, the drill on Arazel's mech grew gigantic, and he aimed it straight towards Ola's Gundam.

"Go!" Ola shouted as his Gundam leapt towards Arazel's.

"GIGA..." Arazel grunted.

"Go!"

"DRILL..."

"GO!"

"BRRRRRREEEEAKEEEEEEEEER!!!" The entirity of Arazel's mech started to spin, and it shot away towards Ola's Gundam's Shining Finger. The two awesome, memefilled powers collided, and a giant explosion that sent a shockwave across the globe occured. When the dust from the explosion was gone, the only thing left of Ola was a monkey-shaped cloud of irrelevance.

The confronation had been sent live across the entire globe, and Arazel had finally given the people of Earth a reason to worship him. Entertainment.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, the giant armada of llamas moved towards Earth on a slow rate... Coming closer and closer for every minute...[/spoiler]

I'm tired. Good night.
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Aesirson Newbie

Aesirson

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To be completely honest with you I've never read the Hitchiker's Guide.

As I said I'm tired and as a human being things tend to slip by when I'm tired. I proofread once more and changed some stuff, but I still don't get where you got the 'is=/=isn't' from.

Guess I should get some sleep soon.
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Dr. Cakey Newbie

Dr. Cakey

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[quote name='Aesirson' timestamp='1302306119' post='5123623']
To be completely honest with you I've never read the Hitchiker's Guide.
[b]Wow. Coincidence, then. I assumed this was a combination of mice as intelligent beings, and a random one-page chapter in which a stray phrase by Arthur is warped through space and time to the battefield between two alien empires, and that phrase happens to be the greatest insult possible in their language. They eventually realize it came from Earth, and send their fleets to Earth, before being eaten by a small dog. Size difference. It kills.[/b]

As I said I'm tired and as a human being things tend to slip by when I'm tired. I proofread once more and changed some stuff, but I still don't get where you got the 'is=/=isn't' from.
[b]Made a mistake on that one, actually.[/b]


Guess I should get some sleep soon.
[b]Yeah. Go to bed.[/b]
[/quote]
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