Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Next!

[Aesirson]

[spoiler=Chapter 1: Aidan and the Highlander Deck! Enter Ryuki!]The Duel Local, a small place in the lesser known parts of Alpha City. It was only the size of a bowling alley, but it was till always crowded with duelists. The lobby was comfy, with its red, warm walls and its two green couches comforting the duelists who were waiting to enter the arena or just met there to chat, trade or duel on the ordinary tables placed there. There was also a small shop where one could buy booster packs for their Decks or refreshments.

Although he wasn't nearly as skilled as the other people in the Duel Local, Ryuki usually came here after school to meet friends and occasionally duel, although he rarely won. Ryuki was a boy at the age of 14, with hazel eyes and spiky, dark green hair outlined by yellow trim. He usually wore a red and white jacket with a pair of white pants and black sneakers. Today, however, he had come here for another reason. He had finally collected enough money to buy a bunch of booster packs to strengthen his deck, and sat on one of the couches opening the small bundles of cards.

"Ah! Legendary art!" He said as he pulled a monster card, and placed it on the table among the other cards he had gotten from the boosters, which he had arranged in four stacks of monsters, spells, traps and extra deck cards.

After opening all of the bundles he placed his deck on the table and took a careful look through it and started replacing cards with newer, cooler cards. Ryuki was a vane person, caring more about the card's looks rather than its effect.

"These ones look legendary too!" He added a couple of cards to his deck and then picked up his pile of spell cards. Once he had taken a look at the art and found them unsatisfactory he placed them back on the table, and if they were cool enough, he placed them in the deck. It wasn't until he rejected a card depicting a monkey, clothed in Indiana Jones-esque clothing, jumping out of a book, he was disturbed.

"You shouldn't judge a card by its art." A male voice spoke. Ryuki looked up to see Aidan, one of the big players of the Duel Local. Aidan was two years older than Ryuki and had light blue hair with black highlights and two sharp, brown eyes. He was clothed in a white coat, with black clothes underneath. "This card, for example..." Aidan reached for the card Ryuki had just rejected, but Ryuki quickly grabbed it himself.

"Keep your hands away from my card!" Ryuki said, angered by Aidan interrupting his deck building. Aidan didn't look happy either.

"Suit yourself." Aidan said and took a seat next to Ryuki on the couch. Ryuki looked at him and then slowly moved a bit away from him before continuing looking through his cards, but he wouldn't stop being annoyed at Aidan, who had now started whistling.

"Would you please shut up?" Ryuki finally said, growing more and more annoyed.

"I'm free to do whatever I want to." Aidan answered and smiled. "Can I get a look at your deck now?"

Ryuki sat and thought for a moment. If it made the annoying guy go away, there was no harm to it.

"If it'll make you go away, then sure." Ryuki handed his deck to Aidan, who shone up and quickly looked through it, his expression quickly changing to disappointment, although he didn't look surprised.

"There's no synergy at all in this deck..." Aidan said in an unfunny way. "You need a real strategy..."

Ryuki grabbed his deck and looked through it, making sure that Aidan hadn't taken any card from him. Not that he expected him to do that, but just to make sure. However, Aidan's comment about lacking synergy had awakened Ryuki's desire to duel. Aidan stood up and prepared to leave, but didn't get far before Ryuki too stood up.

"Aidan!" He shouted. "I'll defeat you in a duel to prove that my deck has synergy!"

Aidan turned and smiled victoriously. This was just what he wanted. He wanted to show this little brat that he shouldn't be so vane.

"Then lets go to the arena!" He said, and walked towards the gate that lead to the Duel Table.

Duel Tables were no ordinary tables to play card games on, but when a card was played on it, a holographic depiction of the played card would appear to the player's side. Ryuki had never before played on a Duel Table, but he had seen others play on the one in the arena. The arena was larger than the lobby, with the Duel Table placed in the middle, with two stands for the crowd on each side. The arena was greatly lit up, and it's walls were of a light, grey color, and so was the floor and the roof. On the floor around the Duel Table, a white circle was drawn. Ryuki was used to walking up to one of the stands and sit there and watch the duels that would unfold on the Duel Table, but this time he followed Aidan to the Table. When dueling on the Duel Table, at least one of the duelists had to be a member of the Duel Local League, which Ryuki guessed that Aidan was. Aidan took a seat at the table, and Ryuki took the other one. There was only a few people in the crowd today, talking about Duel Monsters and life in general, but when they realized a duel was about to begin they changed their attention towards the Table.

"You know how this Table work, right?" Aidan asked. Ryuki nodded. The Table worked just as a normal playing field, but with holograms, so Aidan's question was rather dumb. Both players shuffled their decks, placed them on the Deck Zone and then drew five cards each.

"Duel!"

Aidan: 4000 LP
Ryuki: 4000 LP

"I shall take the first turn!" Aidan said and drew a card. "I summon Ritual Guard, in attack position!" (1400/1000)

As the card was played, the white circle around the Duel Table started to shine, and the monster that Aidan had played started to appear. It was a tanned, bare chested warrior wearing a bronze-mask, and from waist down it was wearing a loincloth kilt. In each of its hands it wore a one-handed halberd.

"When Ritual Guard is summoned, I can add a Warrior-Type Ritual monster from my deck or graveyard to my hand." Aidan explained, picked up his deck and started searching it. When he found the card he was searching for he showed it to Ryuki and added it to his hand. He shuffled his deck and placed it back on the Deck Zone. "I added Highlander King - Áed to my hand. However, after Ritual Guard's effect activates I discard one card." He picked one of the cards in his hand and placed it in the Graveyard Zone. "I now set a card face-down and end my turn." He placed a card face-down on his backrow.

"My turn! Draw!" Ryuki drew a card. He looked at the cards in his hand, trying to decide which one would look the most legendary when summoned. He finally settled for one and placed it on the field. "I summon Vorse Raider, in attack!" (1900/1200)

The beast-warrior appeared, swinging its axe around the field looking menacing.

"Now I will equip Vorse Raider with Dragonic Attack!" Ryuki placed a Spell Card on his backrow, but nothing happened. A buzz was sent through the crowd, and Aidan covered his face with his palm.

"Look, kid, this is why you should pay attention to the card effects!" He said. "Vorse Raider is a Beast-Warrior, Dragonic Attack can only be equipped to a Warrior-Type monster."

"Uhm... I knew that." Ryuki picked up the card. "Vorse Raider is still strong enough to beat your guard, though! Attack!"

Vorse Raider took a leap towards Ritual Guard and slashed the warrior in half with its axe. (Aidan's Life Points: 4000 --> 3500) Aidan didn't look like if he cared.

"I end my turn." Ryuki said and had a victorious smile printed on his face.

"My turn, draw!" Aidan drew a card, looked at it and placed it in his hand, picking another card in his hand. He placed the card on his field, and a fire appeared behind him. "Lament of the High King! Activate!" The fire started burning more intensely. "Lament of the High King is a Ritual Spell Card, so now I send monsters from my hand with a Level equal to 6 to Ritual Summon a Highlander King from my hand!" He picked a card in his hand and sent it to his grave. "I send Highlander King - Áed to the graveyard to Ritual Summon my second Highlander King - Áed!" (2200/2000)

The fire went out, and in its place stood a big, lightly armored man. He was wearing a small chestplate of gold, and a white helmet with golden trim. His lower body was covered by a kilt of the same colors as his armor, and in each hand he held a shortsword. Ryuki looked at it with a distressed look on his face.

"I will also equip Áed with Dragonic Attack!" Aidan placed the card on his field. A light blue aura surrounded Áed as his attack power increased (2200 --> 2700) "Now Áed! Rid the field from his Raider!"

The warrior charged towards Vorse Raider and stabbed it in the chest with both swords, causing the Raider to explode. Ryuki started to sweat, but still kept his hopes up. (Ryuki's Life Points: 4000 --> 3200)

"My turn!" He drew a card, looked at it and smiled. "I summon Karate Man!"

A tanned man, sporting a fancy afro and a yellow karate suit appeared behind Ryuki, breaking into a rapper-style dance that turned into a fighting position.

"Now I equip him with both Dragonic Attack and Great Technique!" Ryuki took two cards from his hand and placed them on his backrow. His karate master was surrounded by a cloud of light upon the activation of Ryuki's cards. (1000 --> 2500) "I also activate Karate Man's effect to make his attack power LEGENDARY!"

Karate Man flexed its muscles, the light around growing stronger as it did. (2500 --> 3500)

"Now attack his so-called King!" Ryuki pointed at Áed, and Karate Man jumped into the air, preparing to destroy the Highlander King with its fist. "When Karate Man destroys a monster by battle, by the effect of Great Technique, it will deal an amount of damage to you equal to the attack power of the card it destroys!"

"I activate my set card." Aidan calmly said, flipping his face-down face-up. It was the very same Spell Card with the monkey that Ryuki had rejected earlier.

"What the!?" Ryuki expressed. He had totally forgotten about the face-down.

"Lifesaving Escape!" Aidan smiled. "I can now discard a card to return all Attack Position monsters to the deck!" He picked a card in his hand and placed it in the graveyard. Before Karate Man had reached the King they both turned into pure energy and was sucked into their respective owner's deck. "When Áed is removed from the field, except if it was sent to the Graveyard, I can add Lament of the High King and the monster sent to the Graveyard for Áed's Ritual Summon back to my hand." He picked up the two cards in his Graveyard.

"Fffff-" Ryuki started to sweat. This wasn't good. He didn't have anything in his hand that could help him now. Hopefully, he would draw something good during his next turn and be able to turn the duel around!

"My turn?" Aidan asked and Ryuki nodded as an answer. Aidan drew a card and calmly looked at it. "I summon Legendseeker in attack position." (1700/1200)

A female warrior clothed in nothing but a loincloth bra and a white skirt appeared. She had long, white hair and wielded a chain whip as her weapon.

"I activate Legendseeker's effect. By removing a Ritual Spell Card in my hand from play I can send the Ritual Monster summoned by the Ritual Spell Card from my deck to the Graveyard to increase Legendseeker's attack power by half the attack power of the sent monster. However, when this effect is activated, Legendseeker is destroyed during the End Phase."

Áed's ghost appeared next to Legendseeker, but was soon absorbed by her chainwhip, which started to glow once it happened. (1700 --> 2800)

"Also, I remove the Necro Arm in my Graveyard from play to increase the attack of Legendseeker by 400 more points!" Aidan once again smiled superiorly.

"DAMNIT!" Ryuki shouted. He realized that he had already lost. He placed his hand on his deck, surrendering the Duel.

"A wise move." Aidan said. "Now take my advice: Take the time to learn your card's effect and you will grow stronger!"

Ryuki quickly collected all his cards as the small crowd started cheering for Aidan. No one saw Ryuki when he, ashamed, ran home to rebuild his deck, Aidan's words still echoing in his ears.[spoiler=Duel Log][b][u]Aidan's turn:[/b][/u]
Aidan draws a card. (Hand: 6)
Aidan summons Ritual Guard in attack position. (1400/1000)
Aidan adds Highlander King - Áed to his hand by the effect of Ritual Guard, but then discards a card. (Hand: 5)
Sets a card. (Hand: 4)

[b][u]Ryuki's turn:[/b][/u]
Ryuki draws a card. (Hand: 6)
Ryuki summons Vorse Raider in attack position. (1900/1200)
Ryuki tries to equip Dragonic Attack to Vorse Raider, but fails.
Ryuki uses Vorse Raider to attack Ritual Guard. (Aidan's Life Points: 3500)

[b][u]Aidan's turn:[/b][/u]
Aidan draws a card. (Hand: 5)
Aidan activates Lament of the High King and discards Highlander King - Áed to Ritual Summon another Highlander King - Áed. (2200/2000)
Aidan equips Highlander King - Áed with Dragonic Attack. (2200 --> 2700)
Aidan uses Áed to attack Ryuki's Vorse Raider. (Ryuki's Life Points: 3200)

[b][u]Ryuki's turn:[/u][/b]
Ryuki draws a card. (Hand: 6)
Ryuki summons Karate Man and equips him with Dragonic Attack and Great Technique. (1000 --> 2500)
Ryuki activates Karate Man's effect. (2500 --> 3500)
Ryuki attacks Áed with Karate Man.
Aidan activates Lifesaving Escape, discarding 1 card to return all Attack Position monsters on the field to their owners' decks. (Hand: 0)
Aidan activates the effect of Áed to return Lament of the High King and the Áed in his Graveyard to his hand.

[b][u]Aidan's turn:[/b][/u]
Aidan draws a card. (Hand: 3)
Aidan summons Legendseeker. (1700/1200)
Aidan activates Legendseeker's effect, discarding Lament of the High King and sending Áed from his deck to his Graveyard to increase Legendseeker's ATK by 1100. (1700 --> 2700)
Aidan removes Necro Arm in his Graveyard from play to increase the ATK of Legendseeker by 400. (2800 --> 3200)
Ryuki surrenders.

Aidan wins.[/spoiler][/spoiler]

Please comment and review.

Credit goes to .Kowalski for being the original creator of Lifesaving Escape!

[BlackSkullCortez]

Huh. Interesting. I like.
The Duel was pretty good, and I like the idea that you made a really cliche "cool card" character into a really good one.
My only extremely minor complaint is a typo, but it was only an exclamation point that didn't matter too much.
Nice job.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Read as promisied Aesir. Unfortunately I have to say I disagree with a lot of what BCS said, there was a lot that was awkward to read.

To start with, at no point in the entire chapter, was there any description of Ryuki physical appearance. There was some - but perhaps not quite enough - on Aidan, but nothing about Ryuki.

In terms of writing style, please find alternatives for saying 'awesome' over and over, even though it is part of Ryuki's character. Nothing that happened really hooked me or feel that interested.

Onto duelling. The duel uses custom cards, which I am not against, but if you go down this route please, please, PLEEEEASE put down the cards full details down in a spoiler immediately after it is played. Because I didn't have a clue what was going on for long periods. Example:

[quote][i]Hah! His Warrior isn't strong enough to defeat me, and I happen to know that she's destroyed at the End Phase of the turn she's summoned![/i][/quote]

Is it? Okay...

Duel log at the end does explain a little but is kind of a bit late at that stage.

Below are some bits that was just darn odd to say the least.

[quote name='Aesirson' timestamp='1302638948' post='5133655']
"Keep your thoughts to yourself." Ryuki answered quickly, adding another cool trap to his deck. "I know what I'm doing!"

...

Ryuki knew that Aidan was probably one of the best duelists in this part of town, and he saw no harm in letting him inspect his deck. He handed the stack of cards to Aidan for inspection.

[b]So first he tells him to shove off, then all of a sudden respects his opinion?[/b]

"Look!" Aidan expressed. "Ryuki, right? Let me take a look at your deck?"

[b]Just find it a bit odd Aidan knows this guys name without proper intro. Just looks strange.[/b]

[/quote]

I was really looking forward to this after reading the Arazal stuff which was brilliant. Sorry to say but there are a lot of problems with this, and thats coming from possibly one of the kinder reviewers.

[BlackSkullCortez]

Okay, now that I'm completely awake and up to it, I think I'll try to do better with criticism now. Barely had energy when I first read through and when I typed my first response, so here I go, looking at it in more detail.

[spoiler=Points of Criticism]
NOTE: I'm also writing a YGO FF that nobody reads, and this is just something I tried to look out for as I wrote the beginning of it.
1. To add to what Zero said, I personally think that the monsters themselves, being custom, if you decide to post them later, should have a much more vivid description, or even when their effects activate. This is just from my own standpoint, since I at least try to do this.
For example, when you were focusing on Karate Man, you said that it did dances.
Then when it comes to Legendseeker, nothing seemed to happen to it, which says that nothing happened when it gains power.
If you were to do it so many times that it got repetitive, it would be okay to stop, but this is the first chapter with a lot of custom cards. You at least want us to get a feel for it.
Although one thing that I disagree with is the custom card effect thing that Zero said. I think that you could keep the effect hidden if you want to, and I personally prefer you do because then you can actually surprise us with combos and effects rather than getting us to guess the whole Duel. However, if you do, you should say, "This will *insert effect*. However, during the End Phase, it will be destroyed." Things along those lines, because "I just happen to know" kind of makes your character lack reaction of any kind.

2. Another thing is the lack of the description of not only the characters, but the scenery. Is it dark and dull? Is it flashy like ZEXAL? And most importantly, what is the surrounding environment? I'm not sure if this is supposed to be in a casino, alleyway, or in the middle of a town square. And what is it like? Futuristic? Modern? Another thing is the actions of returning cards to your Deck. If you just say, "returned to the deck", that just states that they move back to the Deck. Do the holograms vanish, or do the holograms walk back to the Deck and then sit in it? It's your world, so you should at least try to give us an introduction to what it's like, even a slightly vague one.
Just as a pointer, try to picture the scene in your head and describe it as well as you can. I know that it can be difficult if you're using custom cards with no images, but it helps the reader and the quality.

3. Also, I don't blame you for saying this, but try to avoid saying, "some kind of" in the future. Because for all we know, Karateman could be doing ballet. The one problem that I think you should try to work on the most, like I said before, is the vagueness, since specification can separate a tragic scene from a comedic scene.

4. Finally, this is something more advanced that I would keep optional, but keep in mind that the thought process is similar to what a regular person would think.
Back to Karate Man again, if you activated his effect, the first thing you wouldn't think is, "Great!" You could possibly just skip that exclamation, but you could have witnesses who supports the main character say that if you think it's necessary. If it turns out to be the character's personality and thought process, that's fine, but if you pan the camera to other characters, don't make a habit of using that in thoughts in the midst of a character's plan. It's more appropriate when they see a starting hand, draw a card they need, or see an opening or a combo they can do. [/spoiler]

[.Rai]

So this is the fanfic you planned.

[quote]The Duel Local, the place to be for any aspiring duelist. While it only had two Duel Tables, it was almost always crowded with duelists hoping to improve their skills or just people who wanted to watch a good game. Ryuki usually went here after school, although he wasn't a very good duelist. He would usually sit at the Corner dueling other mediocre duelists, or watch the more intense duels at the Tables.

[b] Well, you're definitely breaking cliches. Good. A bad duelist, the main character? Awesomesauce.[/b]

Whenever he would actually get to duel at a Duel Table, he would usually be overwhelmed by the awesomeness of the holograms to concentrate on the duel, but today was different.

[b]He would be overwhelmed by awesomeness to concentrate. He would be [i]too[/i] overwhelmed, methinks.[/b]

Ryuki had finally raised enough money to buy a bunch of [b][i]booster packs[/i][/b], and was completely occupied with opening the small [i][b]packs[/b][/i].

[b]I would probably suggest a change here on the second one. Packets, bunches, lots, bundles?[/b]

"Ah! This one looks awesome!" He said as he pulled a monster card, and placed it on the table. He was stacking the cards in four piles; monsters, spells, traps and extra deck cards.

[b]Is a semicolon needed here? Just put a colon.[/b]

After opening all his boosters he pulled out his deck and started editing it. Ryuki was the vane type that usually went for cool monsters, usually not caring too much about the cards' effects.

[b]Vain, not vane.[/b]

"And these ones, with the awesomeness of these cards I can't lose!" He said, adding a couple of cards to his deck. He then looked through his stack of spell cards, picked one and looked at it. "This! This art is perfect!"

"There's more to a card than just its art." Ryuki looked up to see a boy at around 18. The boy had long, light blue hair with yellow highlights, and sharp, brown eyes. Aidan, one of the tops at this Duel Local. "You have to understand a card's effect before it gets truly useful to you."

"Keep your thoughts to yourself." Ryuki answered quickly, adding another cool trap to his deck. "I know what I'm doing!"
Aidan threw a quick look at the cards on Ryuki's table. There was quite a lot of cards that could've been thrown into pretty much any deck to improve it there.

"Look!" Aidan expressed. "Ryuki, right? Let me take a look at your deck?"
Ryuki knew that Aidan was probably one of the best duelists in this part of town, and he saw no harm in letting him inspect his deck. He handed the stack of cards to Aidan for inspection. Aidan shuffled through the deck quickly, his facial expression changing from the calm face he had had before to a mild disappointment.

"This deck lacks synergy." He calmly said when he handed the deck back to Ryuki. "You need to give your deck a theme, or a goal to work towards."

"My goal is to win." Ryuki simply answered.

"Yes, but how do you want to win?" Aidan sat down next to Ryuki and took a look through the cards that Ryuki had not placed in his deck. "This card, for example." Aidan showed a card called Lifesaving Escape to Ryuki. "This card has helped me from numerous defeats."

[b]OCCG goodness, please include Lifesaving Escape 20 times. I certainly will in the fanfic I might do later. Now, who's the main character? I'm confused but that's a good thing.[/b]

Ryuki gave a monotone answer and then looked back to his deck. "Then duel me." He said.

[b]This just feels wrong. I don't know why. [/b]


"Gladly, then maybe you can understand." Aidan stood up and walked towards the Tables.

"Hey, where are you going? Weren't we about to duel?" Ryuki shouted after him.

"Yes, but not on that table." Aidan smirked and walked up to one of the Duel Tables, the ongoing duel had just ended upon his arrival.

Ryuki hurried towards the Duel Tables. Awesome, now he could see his new cards in REAL action. The Duel Table was placed in the middle of a white [b]cricle[/b]. It looked mostly like a normal, grey table, but there were slots on it to put your cards and deck. When a card was put in one of the card slots the white circle would create a hologram depicting the card played. He sat down at the table with a smug on his face. I'll wipe that victorious smile away from that dork Aidan's face!

[b]Circle, not cricle. Dork also looks slightly weird there but should be fine, just me being awkward.[/b]

The crowd around the table stepped out of the circle and looked at the two duelists getting ready. Some of them knew of Ryuki, but all of them knew of Aidan. There was even some girls in the crowd throwing kisses to the 18-year old, but he didn't seem to care.

Ryuki: 4000 LP
Aidan: 4000 LP

"Since you challanged me to this duel I will begin." Aidan explained and drew a card. "Draw!" He took a careful look at his hand and then picked a card that he carefully placed in one of his monster card zones. "I summon Ritual Guard!" (1400/1000)
The white circle started to glow, and soon a metal-armored soldier appeared behind Aidan. Ryuki looked at the summoned monster in awe.
"When Guard is summoned I can add a Warrior-Type Ritual Monster to my hand from my Deck, but before I do that I have to discard a card." He picked a card in his hand and placed it in his Graveyard. He then picked up his deck, looked through it and picked a card and showed it to Ryuki. "Highlander King - Áed." He placed the card in his hand, then picked another one and placed it face-down on his field. "Your turn."

"Finally! Draw!" Ryuki drew a card, threw a glance at it and immediately placed it on his field. "I summon Vorse Raider!" (1900/1200)
As the card was placed on the field the monster appeared behind Ryuki and held his weapon towards Ritual Guard.
"And I'm going to power him up by equipping it with Dragonic Attack." As Ryuki showed the card to Aidan a buzz went threw the crowd, and Aidan slowly placed his face in his palm. "WHAT!?" Ryuki expressed.

"Dragonic Attack can only be equipped to a Warrior-Type monster..." Aidan said and chuckled. "I told you you should've read the effects of the cards before putting them in your Deck."

"Vorse Raider will still be able to defeat your Guard! Attack"
The beast-warrior leapt into the air and attacked Aidan's monster, destroying it in the process. (Aidan's Life Points: 4000 --> 3500)
"I end my turn!" Ryuki said with a victorious smile printed on his face.

"Draw!" Aidan drew a card and played a Spell Card from his hand. "I activate Lament of the High King. This is a Ritual Spell card that Ritual Summons Highlander King - Áed from my hand, by sending a number of monsters from my hand to the Graveyard whose level equals 6. I'll send my second Áed to Ritual Summon Highlander King - Áed!" (2200/2000)
As Aidan's turn went on two priests appeared on his field and chanted, summoning a big, armored warrior to Aidan's field.
"I now equip Áed with Dragonic Attack!" (2200 --> 2700) As Aidan played the card, his monster was surrounded by a dragon-like aura and held out its weapon, pointing at Ryuki's Vorse Raider. "Attack his Raider!"
The Highlander charged towards Ryuki's monster and sliced it in half, before it was completely gone. (Ryuki's Life Points: 4000 --> 3200)
"I end my turn." Aidan added and smiled.

Keep on smiling, you! I'll kick your behind soon enough!
"My turn! Draw!" Ryuki drew a card, and a victorious smile was instantely spread on his face. "I summon Karate Man!" (1000/1000)
A man wearing a giant afro-wig appeared on Ryuki's field and did some kind of dance before standing in combat-ready position.
"And this time I can equip him with Dragonic Attack!"
The afroman screamed as he too was surrounded by a dragonic aura. (1000 --> 1500)
"And I equip him with Great Technique too!"
The now dragonic afroman did another dance which increased his powers further. (1500 --> 2000)
"I activate the effect of Karate Man! His attack is now increased by 1000!"
[i]Great! Once Karate Man has destroyed his monster it will deal damage equal to the destroyed monsters attack, due to Great Technique's effect! Then, I will activate Ookazi and win![/i]
"Karate Man! Attack his so called King!"
The afroman leapt, his fists ready for a chop on the warriors head, when Aidan activated his face-down.

"Lifesaving Escape! Now, I discard a card to return all attack position monsters on the field to their owners' decks!" Aidan chuckled. "Do you see how a true duelist duels now?"
Both Karate Man and Áed was returned to Ryuki's and Aidan's decks, respectively.
"And now, by Áed's effect, when he is returned to the Deck, I can add Lament of the High King and the monster used in Áed's Ritual Summon to my hand!"

"Damnit!" Ryuki mumbled. "I end my turn."
[i]As long as he doesn't draw a Level 6 monster now I can summon my powerful monster and take one step closer to winning this![/i]

"My turn! Draw!" Aidan drew a card, looked at it and smirked. "I summon Legendseeker!" (1700/1200)
A female warrior wearing very light armor appeared. She was armed with a sword and a shield.

[b]Bit vague.[/b]

"I activate Legendseeker's effect! By removing from play a Ritual Spell card in my hand from play, I can send the corresponding Ritual Monster from my Deck to my Graveyard to increase Legendseeker's attack power by half the attack of the Ritual Monster!"
Aidan placed Lament of the High King in his Graveyard, and then looked through his deck, found Áed, and placed it in his Graveyard. Meanwhile, Legendseeker's attack power increased. (1700 --> 2800)

Hah! His Warrior isn't strong enough to defeat me, and I happen to know that she's destroyed at the End Phase of the turn she's summoned!

"Legendseeker, attack!" Aidan shouted, his warrior aiming for Ryuki's chest. "But that's not all, by removing my Necro Arm from my Graveyard I can increase the attack power of one of my Warriors by an amount equal to the Warrior's Level times 100!" (2800 --> 3200)

As Legendseeker's sword pierced Ryuki's chest his life points dropped to zero.
[i]Maybe he was right? Maybe I shouldn't be so vain when building my deck?[/i]

[b]Comma, please, after 'chest'.[/b]

After his defeat, Ryuki sat quiet as the holograms disappeared. He carefully ensembled the cards on his field and quietly left the Table. The crowd was cheering for Aidan while a shameful Ryuki left the Duel Local, heading home to rebuild his deck...[/quote]

Good but I feel description and atmosphere could do a lot better. A lot was quite vague unfortunately. A really interesting and fairly original storyline with just as invigorating characters. Keep it up and keep up with the OCCG cards too.

[Aesirson]

Thank you all for the help!

I'm on my phone right now, but I think I'll rewrite the prologue tomorrow, keeping all of your comments in mind.

[Cthonian]

I thought the prologue was great and I can't wait to read more!

[Aesirson]

I have now completely rewritten Chapter 1, keeping all of your advices in mind.

While I cut down on the times the word awesome was used, I also established Legendary as Ryuki's catchphrase, so if you actually keep reading this you're going to see that a bit more. I also changed a lot of the dialog, and also changed it so that the Duel Local only have one Duel Table.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Have re-read the re-written chapter.

Description of the setting was much better, although I was unaware all bowling allies had a uniform size... Jest. The description of the two boys was also better.

The chat (and the way Lifesaving Escape was introduced) was a bit better, but the whole coming together to duel maybe would have worked better if Aiden wasn't so keen, in the Kaiba/Chazz style 'Don't waste my time/you're not worthy' fashion (unless that is the complete opposite of where you want to go with his character).

Still some silly mistakes; you've again but vane instead of vain and Aiden 'shone up' and looked through his deck?

Not sure why, if we're playing the IRL life way, the cards got sucked back into the deck by LSE, instead of the two duelists just placing them back in the decks. Card effects were explained much better though.

An improvement, but I will say it could do with something really attention grabbing story wise in the next 1-2 chapters to really drive home any continued desire to read this.

[Aesirson]

The second chapter will take place 2 years later, and that's when the story really starts.

Thanks for re-reading, though ^^

[BlackSkullCortez]

Re-read the chapter.
Like Zero said, it mostly improved there were a few silly errors (vane), but you'll get used to checking for those.
Also, I noticed a misconfiguration with Karate Man's ATK in the Duel Log. His ATK was 2500, and it magically turned to 2000 before it activated its effect, lol. Be sure to check for those, too.

Also, I know this is almost vital for Yugioh FFs to keep on going, but I've survived without it, so it's possible. Try to avoid the cliche "I'm frustrated at you, brat, so Duel me!" It's good to an extent, like settling a grudge or gambling or recovering pride, but if they actually get frustrated at each other in character, either one of them just leaves or one of them decides to get physical ([s]not in the sexual way[/s]). This is just a logical reaction imo that you can ignore if you want to.

EDIT:
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, there were a lot of small touches I enjoyed.
Like "My turn?" "Um... I knew that!" etc.
Small things like that make the FF's enjoyability and realisticness (or whatever the proper word is) increase by a tenfold.

[Aesirson]

Thanks for rereading. Fixed the Duel Log problem, and just started Chapter 2. It will be done sometime this weekend.

[.Nu-13]

Lifesaving Escape in first chapter *feels boss*

Anyways, there are some mistakes here and there, but overall, seems nice so far. Will pas the final judgment after chapter 2

[Super Chaos Sonic]

Anyone else notice that usually the main character in a YGO series/fic has spiky hair....^^

But anyway, I digress, the duel was interesting...wasn't really expecting Ryuki to lose the first duel of the fic. I didn't see much of any errors, but either way, this fic was still totally awesome!

And for Kowalski, nice job with creating Lifesaving Escape. I'd totally use that card in a duel ^^

[.Nu-13]

Oh, a question, Aesir - are you going to use other CCG cards too?

[Aesirson]

I will. The Mill Fairies will probably be there somewhere (but does are mine) and there will probably be some staples too. Grudge Reborn will definately be in there somewhere.

As for everyone else, I haven't had time to write on Chapter 2, and will probably not have either, but I will try to get it done before next weeks end.