Headmaster Monokuma Posted May 5, 2011 Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 I was bored, so I wrote. I'm a terrible writer, but I would like to think this didn't turn out badly. I have no schedule when it comes to writing, so updates will vary. [center][i]I may not know who you are, but if you are reading this journal, pay attention. If you're in the same situation I am, it may save your life. If you aren't, it may shine some light on the past. Hobey-ho, let's go.[/i][/center] [spoiler=Entry One] Odd things have been happening to me lately, although I guess that’s why I’m writing this in the first place. I have no memory of what happened over the last week, but looking at where I am I can guess... From what I’ve found, I was riding a ship to some land, when something happened. Whatever this was, it caused the ship to either not maneuver in time, or to steer off course. Either way, the ship crashed, and now I’m hiding in this dank cave... Anyway, I was lucky enough to be able to salvage a few items from the wreck, the first three being books. One was entitled [i]The Way to Build Everything You Will Ever Need[/i] by Mr. B. Builder, which was the first one I grabbed. I don’t see why not, since I’ll need it if I can’t find civilization. The second was called [i]Hope for a Way Out[/i] and from what I’ve read, it’s basically a book about mining and escaping caves... Why there would be a book like this on a boat I have no idea, but I’m not complaining. The last book was the one I’m writing in right now. It was a simple journal, but I’m glad it was there. This should help me stay sane... And if anyone else winds up here, hopefully it will help them. These three books were washed up next to me, so I’m not sure if they were mine or not. From there, I explored the beach where I washed up, and I was amazed at the sight. The ocean went on far past the border of the horizon, but what struck me was the giant mountain that protruded from the bottom of the ocean. The base was wide, as one would expect, but instead of tapering to a point, the mountain had taken up a hourglass shape. Even though it had to be miles away from me, I could see it with my bare eyes. This was, without a doubt, a place I would have to see closer. But I had other things on my mind at the time, such as finding the ship I had to have taken to get there. I wandered the beach for maybe about an hour, then I saw it. Sticking out of the sand was a small boat, built out of planks of wood. I salvaged the planks that had survived the storm, and took a few that were pretty much just sticks now, and continued to look around. About twenty feet from the ship I found a small chest that contained about five loafs of bread and ten cooked pork-chops. All the food seemed well-preserved, so I drug the chest and the planks back to where I washed up... From here, I knew I needed a shelter, although I wasn’t sure how to begin. I sat down and started to look at the book by B. Builder. On the first page was a crafting recipe that had a caption under it. It said this. [center]”If you do not build this, everything is worthless."[/center] So, naturally, following the recipe, I put four planks of wood next to each other, and they combined! Together they formed a workbench which had nine numbered squares. The squares were labeled top to bottom, left to right. I stood up and placed the workbench down. I took a glance at the ‘Tools’ section of the book, and found three things I would need for sure. A shovel, pickaxe, and an axe. I placed two stacks of three sticks in the fifth and eighth slots if the bench. In the second slot I placed a single plank of wood. I had crafted my first tool, a wooden shovel. From there, I placed a plank of wood in the first, second, and third slots, which gave me my second tool, a wooden pickaxe. Finally, I placed a plank of wood in the first, second, and fourth slots, crafting me a wooden axe. The rest of the day was me digging into the hillside near where I washed up. I needed a shelter, and I needed it quick. Night would be falling soon, and I didn’t want to risk being outside. I was a stranger in this land, who knew what could happen? By the time night fell, I had dug a decent five by five room, and blocked the entrance to my new ‘home’. I’ve placed my tools aside for the night. Everything is going fine so far, but I can’t help but worry... I swear, as I lie down on the floor writing this I can here a grunting noise outside... It sounds like something I’ve only heard about in stories... Out of everything I could have had the luck to remember, I can recall the sound of a calm voice telling me stories, and acting out the sounds of various creatures. Stories about things I thought couldn't exist. Sounds I thought I would never hear. Could I have been wrong? I certainly hope not.[/spoiler] [spoiler=Entry Two] Well, the cause of the grunting noise surfaced today. I’m not exactly pleased with what I saw, and I just know it’s going to be the end of me. When I said it sounded like something I heard in stories, I was right. Let this be a warning to whoever finds this journal. Do not, I repeat, do not go outside at night. Like jumping into lava or drowning yourself, it’s a sure fire way to get yourself killed. I sat on the ground as I heard many footsteps above me. Sometimes I would hear mooing from cows, and other times I would hear that grunting noise. Eventually, I grew tired of not being able to see anything yet being able to hear it all... So I opened the roof up a bit so I could see. I’m sorry to say that nearly cost me my life. It turned out that grunting noise was a lot closer then it sounded... Right when I destroyed the roof, a zombie came falling into my ‘home’. Now, I don’t know what you think when you think zombie, but this thing was disgusting. It had the standard green skin, and foul smell, but it went far beyond that. The creature’s yellow teeth were stained with blood, fresh blood. It had been feasting when it fell in... It still had scraps of the flesh of whatever it was eating in its clammy hands. It had fragments of dried flesh and blood from past meals on its tattered red shirt. For the longest ten seconds of my life, the zombie looked straight at me and just stood there. For a second I hope nothing in the stories were true. I’m not that lucky. As soon as the zombie put two and two together, he decided to partake in some fresh flesh. As he shuffled towards me, I dove to the side and picked up the wooden sword I had crafted. It wasn’t enough. That zombie was faster then it seemed, and managed to hit me. The odd thing was that even though it didn’t carry a weapon or anything, the zombie had still managed to cut me. I didn’t notice until after the fight, but it also seemed like it could hit me before I could even get close enough to hit it. After a minute of being chased by the zombie, I managed to get down a pattern of attack. Swing the sword, dodge to the right, attack again, then dive to the left. It worked against a single zombie, but I would hate to see how long it would take to kill a group of them... Mainly because I know it wouldn’t work. In the end, there was one saving grace to all of this, the zombie was stupid. I know it may sound slightly crude, but I’m glad. If that thing had caught on to what I was doing, I may have died right then. I can only hope I don’t run into anything smarter then that zombie. Once that party was over, I finally unblocked the ‘front door’ to my house in the hill. I finally saw something I was happy to see. In plain sight, there were six zombies that had made their way to my house, but didn’t get in. All of them, all six zombies, were burning in the sunlight. They were running around like they didn’t even notice it, but I could see what this meant. Daylight was my savior in this odd land. Without daylight, I would have to hide in caves my entire life. That would be no way to live. Eventually I need to find a way to make it safe to be out at night, but I wasn’t thinking about that. What I was thinking about was finding some trees to cut down. I looked around the beach that I washed up on, and for miles I saw nothing but sand and fog. Lots of fog. I decided to walk to the top of the hill I dug into to build my ‘home’ and see if I could see anymore trees. What I did see made me want to cry at the sight. There may have been trees here once upon a time, but no more. The grass was pure brown, and at disintegrated at the slightest touch. The cause was easy to find. Right in the middle of the meadow was a lake of lava. Everything in the area was dead. At least, almost everything. There were a few flowers near the lava pool, but they were wilting. Around the pool of lava were a few sheep, and all but one of them were set ablaze. I couldn’t let that single sheep stay here, and I knew I couldn’t help the others, so I took it by the wool and drug it back to my ‘home’ and set it loose inside. I decided to name him Thomas. Thomas the Sheep, I thought it fit him. He looked at me with sad brown eyes, and I only hoped that he would still be alive by the time I got back. I walked back to the lava pool and looked at the far end. I could feel the heat of it, but I spied some trees on the other side of the pool, far enough away to where they hadn’t been set on fire. I hiked around the pool, careful not to fall in, and spent the rest of the day cutting down trees and replanting saplings I had gotten from them. I won’t go into details on the work. It was mindless and exhausting, but worth it. By the end of the day I had plenty of wood to last me a month or even more. Even better, when I got back into my ‘house’ Thomas was still alive. As I sat down to write this entry, he stood by the blocked exit of my house and cried at it all night. He’s probably hungry, but I’m not going to let him out until morning. It would be better for me to not lose my new pet right after I started bonding with him.[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 5, 2011 Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 Interesting... I know the gist of Minecraft, so I understood it all. lolcreepers? Still, I like the journal approach, and cannot wait to read more ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Headmaster Monokuma Posted May 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 [quote name='Zetsubou Black' timestamp='1304629646' post='5190079'] Interesting... I know the gist of Minecraft, so I understood it all. lolcreepers? Still, I like the journal approach, and cannot wait to read more ^^ [/quote] It should be simple enough to where even those who aren't familiar with Minecraft would understand it, but honestly knowing about Minecraft helps. Who knows? It seemed like the best way to write it at the time, but now I'm not so sure. It's kind of limiting, although it does open up a few possibilities. Thanks Black. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted May 5, 2011 Report Share Posted May 5, 2011 IT does xD IS that a YES I spy? ;D It's a fun way to write ^^ Don't worry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Headmaster Monokuma Posted May 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 [quote name='Zetsubou Black' timestamp='1304630017' post='5190097'] IT does xD IS that a YES I spy? ;D It's a fun way to write ^^ Don't worry. [/quote] Eh, oh well. No, it's a possibility though. Yeah, it's easier to write like that for me, but I don't see why it wouldn't be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 Anyway should be anyways. [i]”If you do not build this, everything else is worthless."[/i] ^Sounds better if it said "If you can't build this, everything else is worthless." Or if that's not what you're trying to say, put this instead: "You absolutely must build this. Otherwise, everything else is worthless." That was all I caught. Also, I'd like to see more character development if you're going with first person. Basically, add more of the narrator's thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niv-Mizzet Posted May 6, 2011 Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 A minecraft fanfic that was actually pulled off well. Straight from the Minecraft forums, diamonds for you [IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/aeqy5y.png[/IMG] [IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/aeqy5y.png[/IMG] [IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/aeqy5y.png[/IMG]! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Headmaster Monokuma Posted May 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2011 [quote name='Twig' timestamp='1304650822' post='5190714'] [i]”If you do not build this, everything else is worthless."[/i] ^Sounds better if it said "If you can't build this, everything else is worthless." Or if that's not what you're trying to say, put this instead: "You absolutely must build this. Otherwise, everything else is worthless." That was all I caught. Also, I'd like to see more character development if you're going with first person. Basically, add more of the narrator's thoughts, feelings, and emotions. [/quote] Yeah I forgot to go back and change that after I wrote it. Chalk that up to a error on my part, I changed it. I will be over time. My biggest dislike when it comes to characters is having them developed too quickly. I don't like to know everything about them all at once, or quickly within a few chapters. He'll be developed. [quote name='Carn13' timestamp='1304719105' post='5191729'] A minecraft fanfic that was actually pulled off well. Straight from the Minecraft forums, diamonds for you [IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/aeqy5y.png[/IMG] [IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/aeqy5y.png[/IMG] [IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/aeqy5y.png[/IMG]! [/quote] Oh hey, diamonds. Thanks man. It can be a lot better, so I'm hoping that Chapter Two is a bit better at least. I can't help but feel like I'm rushing it. It's posted now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Like I do for all my friends who write fan-fictions (...so far, only Clair), I will try my best to write a comprehensive analysis without going as in-depth (or as satirical) as Foe Fiction. Immediately the reader knows that if this journal is actually being "read", the main character must have not died, since it seems the whole thing was written in more of a "past voice" rather then something present, like a journal. While it may not have been your intention, it sounds like the narrator is telling us what happened to him five, ten, fifteen years ago, which allows him to reflect on these events. I'm guessing that you didn't want this to be the case, as you could have always made the ending something decent like a Creeper blowing him up and the line just ending in the middle of a sentence, but at the moment, it seems as if he definitely made it out alive considering this is being "read" to us. [i]a ship to some land, when something happened[/i] Nice ambiguity, dude. While I know backstory would kind of kill the story from the get-go, you could have at least made an effort to put some backstory in the beginning. Oh, I was on a private ship on the way to vacation isle, and my family died in a crash with a big rock or some random crap, and I made it out alive, so here I am. It starts out really... I don't know, possibly odd. The loss of memory kind of covers up the logic aspect of why the main character didn't write about it, but it feels really half-done. [i]Mr. B. Builder[/i] Shoot me. When you say the books were "washed up" next to you, doesn't it sound like they were washed up like a whale, or in a similar manner? Obviously books cannot survive in water to any degree, so I think washed up might have been a terrible description of how you found the books. They surely couldn't have touched the water in any manner, yet you are making it sound like that. [i]so I drug the chest and the planks[/i] You... drugged the chest? Shockingly, the past tense of "to drag" is dragged, and while "drug" would be fine in speech if someone retarded [s]or Southern[/s] was saying it, this is narration and I'm assuming the narrator isn't... stupid. Also, on the track of words that aren't really words, your "loafs" should be turned to "loaves". While I like how you described crafting the tools (although it makes no tangible sense for anything anywhere outside of Minecraft), [i]I put four planks of wood next to each other[/i] sounded really awkward and I feel should have been changed to something else. I know you were trying to go for the whole "2x2" grid in your inventory, but it just doesn't sound right. I mean, even the tools crafting doesn't make logical sense, but the above phrase just seems so awkward and out of place. [i]I was a stranger in this land, who knew what could happen?[/i] That's what I mean when I say it feels like the narrator is orating this to us years in the future, as this feels like a statement of reflection. I [b]was[/b] a stranger in this land. And then right after you say that I am writ[b]ing[/b] on the floor. The tense change is too frequent and too volatile, and while I know your intention was for it to be a "reflect on the past day's work" type story, it feels entirely in past tense, even sometimes when you explicitly use a present form of the verb. Anyways, chapter one was kind of short. You could have elaborated on getting wood, maybe luckily found like one or two coal, but it wasn't terrible. The plot progression was a bit too fast, the description was too little (it's Minecraft, so think beautiful landscapes), and although it was an interesting idea, it had a few tense problems. But I love Minecraft, so I'll go ahead and read chapter two. [i]Like jumping into lava or drowning yourself, it’s a sure fire way to get yourself killed.[/i] Pun? Lava... and fire...? No? Fine, I believe the correct form is "sure-fire" or "surefire", but I don't think you can seperate the expression into two seperate words. Nitpicking, I know. I don't have many specific comments about the rest of the chapter, but again, the description was really lacking. Also... you think that someone would notice a HUGE POOL OF LAVA a few meters away from their house. Plot progression, in my opinion, went a bit too fast. Maybe I'm not thinking about this as much as a journal-entry type thing, but I still feel you could have taken it a bit slower, paced yourself, described the scenery, et cetera. Nothing is really compelling me to continue reading, and if I hadn't played Minecraft before, none of the description would have really given me a picture of where you were, what you were doing, et cetera. Just my two cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twig Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 [quote name='The Happy Mask Salesman' timestamp='1304724233' post='5191886'] I will be over time. My biggest dislike when it comes to characters is having them developed too quickly. I don't like to know everything about them all at once, or quickly within a few chapters. He'll be developed. [/quote] My biggest dislike when it comes to characters is not having them developed at all. First person is usually used for more character oriented stories. The narrator must have some opinion, some thought, and some emotion when it comes to being the character. What was missing from Entry One was what the character felt. Was he frightened, brave, confused, etc? Reading Entry One made me feel that the character didn't really care. [i]Oh. I'm trapped at an island with no memories. Ok. Now I need to survive.[/i] <---That was basically Entry One. More drama please. Haven't read Entry Two. I'll probably get to that later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.