Painful Future [PG13] [Chapter 1: Power of Unity]

[IceDorago]

Hey, guys, for certain reasons, I decided I wanted to make a new fic instead of continuing my old one, so here it goes.
A few things. This fic has no relation to the canon. One of a kind cards there shall just be rare here. The terms Advance Summon, Release, Overlay Unit and Exceed Summon will be used because I prefer them. Finally, I plan to use translated Japanese card names because this story is set in Japan and I generally prefer them. You can either try and figure out what they are or use Google. I'll also use the Japanese name order. (Last name First name) Thank you, and enjoy.

[spoiler=Chapter 1]
[center][center][IMG]http://i663.photobucket.com/albums/uu354/IceWaveX/Fanficbanner.jpg[/IMG][/center][/center]
[center][center][b]Chapter 1: Power of Unity.[/b]

A beefy fist collided with a stomach, throwing a young boy against a brick wall. He groaned.
“So, kid, here's the thing,” said a gruff voice, belonging to the thrower of the punch, a large muscular man wearing a ripped jacket and shorts, a bandanna tied over a head of messy blond hair, some of which could still be seen seeping out from under said headgear. “I'm a bit of collector of Duel Monsters cards. But, you see, I don't think it's worth spending money on, so, generous donors like you give them to me.”
“S-sure, man...” said the victim, a pale skinned, green-haired boy no older than twelve or thirteen. Blood dripped from his nose and various cuts on his body and his black school uniform was ripped up from the thrashing from the thug. He reached down to his hip for his deck case, but the man grabbed his arm.
“No, you don't understand. It's no fun if I just take them from you. Hey, if I were to just threaten someone, they'd throw me anything I asked for and take off running. It's more enjoyable to knock people around and watch them squirm.” He threw the kid a bracelet. “Put that on your right wrist, and then we duel.”
“What?”
“You want more pain, kid?”
“N-no...” He quietly slipped on the bracelet, grimacing and aching.
“Prepare to fall to the great Kagu Tsuyoshi! And you are?”
“Why would I tell you that?” questioned the boy.
“I have my reasons. Since you refuse...” He pressed a button on his Duel Disk, jolting the boy with a surge of electricity from the bracelet.
“What was that?” screeched the boy.
“Oh, it just lets me inflict pain through duels... When you take damage, you take the pain. You want me to do it again?” Tsuyoshi licked his lips sadistically.
“I'm good... The name's Kinmura Takeshi...”
“Takeshi? Couldn't be farther from the truth.” He chuckled.
“Can we just get this over with?” whispered Takeshi.
“Eager to die, are we? Good.”
The small, silver, round devices attached to their wrists began to glow, Takeshi's green and Tsuyoshi's black. Part of the front popped forward and opened out sideways, transforming into a five card panel.
“Duel!” yelled Tsuyoshi.
“Duel...” murmured Takeshi.[/center][/center]
[center][center]
[i](Takeshi: 4000LP – Tsuyoshi: 4000LP)[/i]

“You can go first, roadkill,” sneered Tsuyoshi.
“My turn... Draw...” Takeshi picked up a card, bringing his hand to six. “I activate Instant Fusion, paying one thousand Life Points to Special Summon a Fusion Monster from my Extra Deck.”
[i](Takeshi: 4000 > 3000LP)[/i]
A bolt of energy shocked Takeshi as his Life Points fell from paying the card's cost.
“I choose Winged Phantom Beast Chimera!”
A creature appeared, it's name suggesting its appearance. It had the body of a lion, with an extra head, this one a ram's. It had two white, feathered wings on its back, and its tail was a snake. (6/2100/1800)
“Fusions, eh? Not the best one you could run.”
“It's just material, anyway... I now summon Wood Warrior Taro!”
“You summon... what?”
A small brown and cream shiba dog appeared. It wore a green bandanna with a swirly pattern around its neck, and it had a bone in a small sheath strapped to its side. (2/800/600)
“Synchro Summoning? I must say I'm surprised someone as weak as you would be able to put together the tools to do such a thing...”
“I tune my Winged Phantom Beast Chimera to my Wood Warrior Taro! Come, infernal bloodstain, Blood Mephist!”
Taro became two rings of energy that encircled Chimera, turning it to six stars, and in a burst of light, a demonic monster whose design obviously drew inspiration from Mephistopheles, right down to the name appeared. It had hideous, gray skin, clawed hands, and wielded a scepter adorned with a skull at the top. He wore a black top hat, a suit and ripped cloak of the same color. Instead of legs, the bottom off his body was formed in a tail-like way, somewhat like some interpretations on the image of a ghost. (8/2800/1300)
“I set one card and end my turn.”
“You have lots to learn... Mephist has no use. It can't use its effects, and I'm about to take it down, anyway...”
“How? It's got twenty-eight hundred attack points, it won't be easy...”
“Easy? No. Doable? Yes. Actually, scratch that. For me, it will be easy. I'll win, and take your Mephist, as that's a pretty rare card you've got yourself there... My turn, draw!”
He grinned.
“The Instant Magic, Cyclone activates! I destroy your reversed card!”
Winds began to kick up and a tornado blasted towards the facedown card. As it blew around in the vortex, it was revealed to be Cry of the Living Dead. The storm began to subside, and the card shattered.
“I wonder, did you just set that to use sometime, or did you actually predict I'd find a way to beat Mephist and you wanted this for next turn? Either way...”
Takeshi gulped.
“I summon Goblindbergh!”
A small red propeller plane piloted by a small green goblin in an aviator's outfit appeared in the air. (4/1400/0)
“That's it?” asked Takeshi.
“No. When Goblindbergh is Normal Summoned, I can Special summon a level four or lower monster from my hand! Come forth, Holy Bird Crane!”
A red-crowned crane appeared, showering Tsuyoshi with particles of white light. (4/1600/400)
“When Holy Bird Crane is Special Summoned, its controller gets to draw a card!”
He performed this action, then moved the Goblindbergh card on his Disk to a horizontal position.
“Goblindbergh's effect switches it to Defense. But that doesn't matter, cause I'll just be Overlaying my two monsters anyway!”
Goblindbergh became a stream of brown energy, while Holy Bird Crane became a yellow one. They flew up into the sky as a red portal appeared on the ground. They dived down into the portal, as Tsuyoshi chanted.
“With these two monsters, I construct the Overlay Network! Exceed Summon! Come forth, Mainspring Mechanical Armor – Zenmaister!”
A large robot with a green, white and purple color scheme appeared. There seemed to be an upside down pyramid in the center of its four legs. It stretch out its gigantic arms towards Takeshi and Blood Mephist. (R4/1900/1500/OLU2)
“That's supposed to beat me, how?”
“The Instant Magic, Forbidden Lance will lower the strength of your monster by eight hundred points!”
A lance shot down from the heavens, piercing through Blood Mephist before disappearing. (ATK: 2800 > 2000)
“You're still one hundred points short.”
“Ah, of course you wouldn't know about Zenmaister's effect! It gains three hundred points for each Overlay Unit! And guess what? It has two!”
The robot began to glow with black energy. (ATK: 1900 > 2500)
“Crush him, Zenmaister!”
The robot threw its fist at Blood Mephist, shattering him and then plowing into Takeshi. He was knocked back a bit, then screamed in pain as he was hit by the electrical shock.
[i](Takeshi: 3000 > 2500LP)[/i]
“I'll set one card and end it off there.”
“My turn,” whispered Takeshi. “Draw.”
He placed his newly draw card in his Disk. “The Magic card, Raise Dead revives Blood Mephist.”
Light purple mist began to collect in front of Takeshi, finally bursting apart to reveal Blood Mephist.
“I summon X-Saber Airbellum!”
An armored humanoid lion with a flowing golden mane appeared. It had gleaming, silver claws as long as swords, which he slashed the air with. He let out a deep growl. (3/1600/200)
“When his direct attack hits you, you lose a card from your hand!”
“Don't get so cocky, kid.”
“Why? Mephist now has a higher attack power than your Zemaister! Mephist, attack him with Demon's Vein!”
The demon spat out a ball of dark red blood, which flew towards the robot, who caught it in its hand, squeezing it and eventually popping it, causing blood to splatter everywhere.
“How?”
Suddenly, a purple prism flew out of Zenmaister's hand and made contact with Blood Mephist, who screeched for a moment before vanishing.
“The Trap card, Dimensional Imprisonment. It banishes your monster when it declares an attack.”
“I end my turn...”
“And now your puny X-Saber is exposed! Draw!”
Tsuyoshi picked up a card, and then placed it on his Disk. “I summon Gagaga Magician!”
An old gray-haired magician, face partly concealed underneath a mask appeared before Tsuyoshi. He was garbed in a navy cloak decorated with orange flames around the bottom and red shoulder plates. A chain was wrapped around his body, attaching a small yellow belt with eight blacked out stars on it to him. (4/1500/1000)
“Zenmaister, you're first! Attack Airbellum!”
The large robot repeated the process it had performed against Blood Mephist, striking first the monster, then Takeshi.
[i](Takeshi: 2500 > 1600LP)[/i]
The bracelet shocked him once more, but this time, before it finished, Gagaga Magician flew forward and slammed his fist into Takshi's face, throwing him back more and doubling his pain as a second shock began.
[i](Takeshi: 1600 > 100LP)
I've... lost...[/i]
With that final thought, Takeshi fell to the ground on his stomach and blacked out.
“Heh, that was too easy. Now to take his Blood Mephist...”
Tsuyoshi slowly walked forward towards the fallen body, only to receive a kick in his stomach that caused him to stagger back.
“What the-?”
“You're annoying me,” said a smooth voice. It belonged to a teenager, about fifteen years old, with jet black hair and deep teal eyes. He was dressed casually in a white shirt and jeans. Narrowing his eyes, he continued. “You're beating up a kid, and I've nothing to do, so I'll take you on.”
He raised a Duel Disk which emitted a pale blue color, then popped open.
“My conditions are that I'll continue on with the kid's Life Points, but I get to use my own deck and replenish my hand. Also, as this is the middle of a duel, and it's his turn, I'll be able to attack on this turn.”
“Deal.”
“There's proof that you're all brawn and no brains. You should have declined and ran.”
“Why would I do an idiotic thing like that? After all, I'll win this and get twice as many cards!”
“Really, now? Just try.”
“Duel!” they both exclaimed.[/center][/center]
[center][center]
[i](???: 100LP – Tsuyoshi: 4000LP)[/i]

The teenager looked at his hand. “I've got it this turn.”
“What? That's impossible.”
“Obviously, your nearly non-existent brain can't comprehend strategy. First, I summon Safeguard Force of the Ice Boundary!”
A small red-orange fox wearing blue armor with a silver trim appeared. It swung its tail, spiked with icicles, around. (3/200/1600)
“Next, the Instant Magic, Bug Road. This allows us to Special Summon a monster from our hands with the same Level as a level four or lower monster we control. Got any?”
Tsuyoshi shook his head.
“Too bad, cause I do. I summon Defying Troops of the Ice Boundary!”
A shock troop dressed in blue snow gear appeared, swinging his staff, eventually pointing it in the direction of Tsuyoshi. (3/1500/800)
“It can tie with Gagaga Magician, so what?”
“That's not my plan, though. See, Safeguard Force is a Tuner!”
“Brionac still can't win you the game this turn!”
“Oh, you think I'm going for him? Nah, I have something better in mind. I'm Tuning my two level three monsters, Safeguard Force of the Ice Boundary and Defying Troops of the Ice Boundary together, in order to Synchro Summon this! Roar, frozen king – Dewloren, Tiger Prince of the Ice Boundary!”
A ice-blue tiger, wearing black and gold armor appeared. The edged of its body seemed to be outlined in ice, and its tail seemed to be made of the substance. It let out a mighty roar as it leaped onto the field in front of the teenager. (6/2000/1400)
“What's the point of that?”
“This. I activate the Equipment Magic, Power of Unity and equip it onto Dewloren, boosting its attack by eight hundred for every face-up monster I control. That, of course, includes Dewloren himself.”
Dewloren roared and became surrounded by a blue aura. (ATK: 2000 > 2800)
“I think I'll throw in another two!”
The aura grew stronger and Dewloren roared louder. (ATK: 2800 > 400)
“Now, I use Dewloren's effect, allowing me to return any number of face-up cards I control to my hand! So I withdraw my three Power of Unitys.”
The aura dimmed as Tsuyoshi laughed. (ATK: 4400 > 2000)
“Why would you purposefully lower its power?”
“Oh, you see, when I do that, it gains five hundred points for each card sent!” (ATK: 2000 > 3500)
“But that means...”
“I re-equip my three Power of Unitys!”
Dewloren let out a loud roar as his power increased once more. (ATK: 3500 > 5900)
“As much as I'd love to kill your stupid machine, I think I'll just leave it there to let it watch its master fall. Dewloren, attack Gagaga Magician with Crown Fang!”
The tiger leaped forward, ripping into Gagaga Magician's neck with its fangs and claws, before it shattered to pieces in an explosion that knocked Tsuyoshi against a wall.[/center][/center]
[center][center]
[i](Takeshi/?: 100LP – Tsuyoshi: 0LP)[/i]

Tsuyoshi slumped against the wall, groaning.
The teenager pulled a half drunk bottle of water from Takeshi's bag, opened it, and splashed it on Takeshi's face. As Takeshi's eyes began to open, he saw a blurred vision the teenager walking away. When he opened his eyes, he was no longer there...[/spoiler]

Can anyone figure out what Takeshi's deck is supposed to be?[/center][/center]

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

[quote name='IceDorago' timestamp='1317575235' post='5555232']
Hey, guys, for certain reasons, I decided I wanted to make a new fic instead of continuing my old one, so here it goes.
A few things. This fic has no relation to the canon. One of a kind cards there shall just be rare here. The terms Advance Summon, Release, Overlay Unit and Exceed Summon will be used because I prefer them. Finally, I plan to use translated Japanese card names because this story is set in Japan and I generally prefer them. You can either try and figure out what they are or use Google. I'll also use the Japanese name order. (Last name First name) Thank you, and enjoy.

[spoiler=Chapter 1]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center][img]http://i663.photobucket.com/albums/uu354/IceWaveX/Fanficbanner.jpg[/img]


[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center][b]Chapter 1: Power of Unity.[/b]

A beefy fist collided with a stomach, throwing a young boy against a brick wall. He groaned.
“So, kid, here's the thing,” said a gruff voice, belonging to the thrower of the punch, a large muscular man wearing a ripped jacket and shorts, a bandanna tied over a head of messy blond hair, some of which could still be seen seeping out from under said headgear. “I'm a bit of collector of Duel Monsters cards. But, you see, I don't think it's worth spending money on, so, generous donors like you give them to me.”
“S-sure, man...” said the victim, a pale skinned, green-haired boy no older than twelve or thirteen. Blood dripped from his nose and various cuts on his body and his black school uniform was ripped up from the thrashing from the thug. He reached down to his hip for his deck case, but the man grabbed his arm.
“No, you don't understand. It's no fun if I just take them from you. Hey, if I were to just threaten someone, they'd throw me anything I asked for and take off running. It's more enjoyable to knock people around and watch them squirm.” He threw the kid a bracelet. “Put that on your right wrist, and then we duel.”
“What?”
“You want more pain, kid?”
“N-no...” He quietly slipped on the bracelet, grimacing and aching.
“Prepare to fall to the great Kagu Tsuyoshi! And you are?”
“Why would I tell you that?” questioned the boy.
“I have my reasons. Since you refuse...” He pressed a button on his Duel Disk, jolting the boy with a surge of electricity from the bracelet.
“What was that?” screeched the boy.
“Oh, it just lets me inflict pain through duels... When you take damage, you take the pain. You want me to do it again?” Tsuyoshi licked his lips sadistically.
“I'm good... The name's Kinmura Takeshi...”
“Takeshi? Couldn't be farther from the truth.” He chuckled.
“Can we just get this over with?” whispered Takeshi.
“Eager to die, are we? Good.”
The small, silver, round devices attached to their wrists began to glow, Takeshi's green and Tsuyoshi's black. Part of the front popped forward and opened out sideways, transforming into a five card panel.
“Duel!” yelled Tsuyoshi.
“Duel...” murmured Takeshi.


[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[i](Takeshi: 4000LP – Tsuyoshi: 4000LP)[/i]

“You can go first, roadkill,” sneered Tsuyoshi.
“My turn... Draw...” Takeshi picked up a card, bringing his hand to six. “I activate Instant Fusion, paying one thousand Life Points to Special Summon a Fusion Monster from my Extra Deck.”
[i](Takeshi: 4000 > 3000LP)[/i]
A bolt of energy shocked Takeshi as his Life Points fell from paying the card's cost.
“I choose Winged Phantom Beast Chimera!”
A creature appeared, it's name suggesting its appearance. It had the body of a lion, with an extra head, this one a ram's. It had two white, feathered wings on its back, and its tail was a snake. (6/2100/1800)
“Fusions, eh? Not the best one you could run.”
“It's just material, anyway... I now summon Wood Warrior Taro!”
“You summon... what?”
A small brown and cream shiba dog appeared. It wore a green bandanna with a swirly pattern around its neck, and it had a bone in a small sheath strapped to its side. (2/800/600)
“Synchro Summoning? I must say I'm surprised someone as weak as you would be able to put together the tools to do such a thing...”
“I tune my Winged Phantom Beast Chimera to my Wood Warrior Taro! Come, infernal bloodstain, Blood Mephist!”
Taro became two rings of energy that encircled Chimera, turning it to six stars, and in a burst of light, a demonic monster whose design obviously drew inspiration from Mephistopheles, right down to the name appeared. It had hideous, gray skin, clawed hands, and wielded a scepter adorned with a skull at the top. He wore a black top hat, a suit and ripped cloak of the same color. Instead of legs, the bottom off his body was formed in a tail-like way, somewhat like some interpretations on the image of a ghost. (8/2800/1300)
“I set one card and end my turn.”
“You have lots to learn... Mephist has no use. It can't use its effects, and I'm about to take it down, anyway...”
“How? It's got twenty-eight hundred attack points, it won't be easy...”
“Easy? No. Doable? Yes. Actually, scratch that. For me, it will be easy. I'll win, and take your Mephist, as that's a pretty rare card you've got yourself there... My turn, draw!”
He grinned.
“The Instant Magic, Cyclone activates! I destroy your reversed card!”
Winds began to kick up and a tornado blasted towards the facedown card. As it blew around in the vortex, it was revealed to be Cry of the Living Dead. The storm began to subside, and the card shattered.
“I wonder, did you just set that to use sometime, or did you actually predict I'd find a way to beat Mephist and you wanted this for next turn? Either way...”
Takeshi gulped.
“I summon Goblindbergh!”
A small red propeller plane piloted by a small green goblin in an aviator's outfit appeared in the air. (4/1400/0)
“That's it?” asked Takeshi.
“No. When Goblindbergh is Normal Summoned, I can Special summon a level four or lower monster from my hand! Come forth, Holy Bird Crane!”
A red-crowned crane appeared, showering Tsuyoshi with particles of white light. (4/1600/400)
“When Holy Bird Crane is Special Summoned, its controller gets to draw a card!”
He performed this action, then moved the Goblindbergh card on his Disk to a horizontal position.
“Goblindbergh's effect switches it to Defense. But that doesn't matter, cause I'll just be Overlaying my two monsters anyway!”
Goblindbergh became a stream of brown energy, while Holy Bird Crane became a yellow one. They flew up into the sky as a red portal appeared on the ground. They dived down into the portal, as Tsuyoshi chanted.
“With these two monsters, I construct the Overlay Network! Exceed Summon! Come forth, Mainspring Mechanical Armor – Zenmaister!”
A large robot with a green, white and purple color scheme appeared. There seemed to be an upside down pyramid in the center of its four legs. It stretch out its gigantic arms towards Takeshi and Blood Mephist. (R4/1900/1500/OLU2)
“That's supposed to beat me, how?”
“The Instant Magic, Forbidden Lance will lower the strength of your monster by eight hundred points!”
A lance shot down from the heavens, piercing through Blood Mephist before disappearing. (ATK: 2800 > 2000)
“You're still one hundred points short.”
“Ah, of course you wouldn't know about Zenmaister's effect! It gains three hundred points for each Overlay Unit! And guess what? It has two!”
The robot began to glow with black energy. (ATK: 1900 > 2500)
“Crush him, Zenmaister!”
The robot threw its fist at Blood Mephist, shattering him and then plowing into Takeshi. He was knocked back a bit, then screamed in pain as he was hit by the electrical shock.
[i](Takeshi: 3000 > 2500LP)[/i]
“I'll set one card and end it off there.”
“My turn,” whispered Takeshi. “Draw.”
He placed his newly draw card in his Disk. “The Magic card, Raise Dead revives Blood Mephist.”
Light purple mist began to collect in front of Takeshi, finally bursting apart to reveal Blood Mephist.
“I summon X-Saber Airbellum!”
An armored humanoid lion with a flowing golden mane appeared. It had gleaming, silver claws as long as swords, which he slashed the air with. He let out a deep growl. (3/1600/200)
“When his direct attack hits you, you lose a card from your hand!”
“Don't get so cocky, kid.”
“Why? Mephist now has a higher attack power than your Zemaister! Mephist, attack him with Demon's Vein!”
The demon spat out a ball of dark red blood, which flew towards the robot, who caught it in its hand, squeezing it and eventually popping it, causing blood to splatter everywhere.
“How?”
Suddenly, a purple prism flew out of Zenmaister's hand and made contact with Blood Mephist, who screeched for a moment before vanishing.
“The Trap card, Dimensional Imprisonment. It banishes your monster when it declares an attack.”
“I end my turn...”
“And now your puny X-Saber is exposed! Draw!”
Tsuyoshi picked up a card, and then placed it on his Disk. “I summon Gagaga Magician!”
An old gray-haired magician, face partly concealed underneath a mask appeared before Tsuyoshi. He was garbed in a navy cloak decorated with orange flames around the bottom and red shoulder plates. A chain was wrapped around his body, attaching a small yellow belt with eight blacked out stars on it to him. (4/1500/1000)
“Zenmaister, you're first! Attack Airbellum!”
The large robot repeated the process it had performed against Blood Mephist, striking first the monster, then Takeshi.
[i](Takeshi: 2500 > 1600LP)[/i]
The bracelet shocked him once more, but this time, before it finished, Gagaga Magician flew forward and slammed his fist into Takshi's face, throwing him back more and doubling his pain as a second shock began.
[i](Takeshi: 1600 > 100LP)[/i]
[i]I've... lost...[/i]
With that final thought, Takeshi fell to the ground on his stomach and blacked out.
“Heh, that was too easy. Now to take his Blood Mephist...”
Tsuyoshi slowly walked forward towards the fallen body, only to receive a kick in his stomach that caused him to stagger back.
“What the-?”
“You're annoying me,” said a smooth voice. It belonged to a teenager, about fifteen years old, with jet black hair and deep teal eyes. He was dressed casually in a white shirt and jeans. Narrowing his eyes, he continued. “You're beating up a kid, and I've nothing to do, so I'll take you on.”
He raised a Duel Disk which emitted a pale blue color, then popped open.
“My conditions are that I'll continue on with the kid's Life Points, but I get to use my own deck and replenish my hand. Also, as this is the middle of a duel, and it's his turn, I'll be able to attack on this turn.”
“Deal.”
“There's proof that you're all brawn and no brains. You should have declined and ran.”
“Why would I do an idiotic thing like that? After all, I'll win this and get twice as many cards!”
“Really, now? Just try.”
“Duel!” they both exclaimed.


[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[i](???: 100LP – Tsuyoshi: 4000LP)[/i]

The teenager looked at his hand. “I've got it this turn.”
“What? That's impossible.”
“Obviously, your nearly non-existent brain can't comprehend strategy. First, I summon Safeguard Force of the Ice Boundary!”
A small red-orange fox wearing blue armor with a silver trim appeared. It swung its tail, spiked with icicles, around. (3/200/1600)
“Next, the Instant Magic, Bug Road. This allows us to Special Summon a monster from our hands with the same Level as a level four or lower monster we control. Got any?”
Tsuyoshi shook his head.
“Too bad, cause I do. I summon Defying Troops of the Ice Boundary!”
A shock troop dressed in blue snow gear appeared, swinging his staff, eventually pointing it in the direction of Tsuyoshi. (3/1500/800)
“It can tie with Gagaga Magician, so what?”
“That's not my plan, though. See, Safeguard Force is a Tuner!”
“Brionac still can't win you the game this turn!”
“Oh, you think I'm going for him? Nah, I have something better in mind. I'm Tuning my two level three monsters, Safeguard Force of the Ice Boundary and Defying Troops of the Ice Boundary together, in order to Synchro Summon this! Roar, frozen king – Dewloren, Tiger Prince of the Ice Boundary!”
A ice-blue tiger, wearing black and gold armor appeared. The edged of its body seemed to be outlined in ice, and its tail seemed to be made of the substance. It let out a mighty roar as it leaped onto the field in front of the teenager. (6/2000/1400)
“What's the point of that?”
“This. I activate the Equipment Magic, Power of Unity and equip it onto Dewloren, boosting its attack by eight hundred for every face-up monster I control. That, of course, includes Dewloren himself.”
Dewloren roared and became surrounded by a blue aura. (ATK: 2000 > 2800)
“I think I'll throw in another two!”
The aura grew stronger and Dewloren roared louder. (ATK: 2800 > 400)
“Now, I use Dewloren's effect, allowing me to return any number of face-up cards I control to my hand! So I withdraw my three Power of Unitys.”
The aura dimmed as Tsuyoshi laughed. (ATK: 4400 > 2000)
“Why would you purposefully lower its power?”
“Oh, you see, when I do that, it gains five hundred points for each card sent!” (ATK: 2000 > 3500)
“But that means...”
“I re-equip my three Power of Unitys!”
Dewloren let out a loud roar as his power increased once more. (ATK: 3500 > 5900)
“As much as I'd love to kill your stupid machine, I think I'll just leave it there to let it watch its master fall. Dewloren, attack Gagaga Magician with Crown Fang!”
The tiger leaped forward, ripping into Gagaga Magician's neck with its fangs and claws, before it shattered to pieces in an explosion that knocked Tsuyoshi against a wall.


[/center][/center]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[center][center]
[i](Takeshi/?: 100LP – Tsuyoshi: 0LP)[/i]

Tsuyoshi slumped against the wall, groaning.
The teenager pulled a half drunk bottle of water from Takeshi's bag, opened it, and splashed it on Takeshi's face. As Takeshi's eyes began to open, he saw a blurred vision the teenager walking away. When he opened his eyes, he was no longer there...[/spoiler]

Can anyone figure out what Takeshi's deck is supposed to be?


[/quote]

Okay, so let's see what we have here. A fellow writer like myself should have no trouble reviewing this fine piece of work at all.

Ahh, long has it been since I have seen a good Yu-Gi-Oh Story with some actual dueling in it. However, I still have to say that the beginning came on a bit too fast. It instantly threw us into this new world without explaining what the day was like or anything of the such. "The thrower of the punch." How I love passive voice. [/sarcasm] Moving on...

You are aware that Instant Fusion can only target Level 5 or lower Fusion Monsters? Mythical Beast Chimera (which I think is the theme of Takeshi's Deck) is a Level 6, so it can't be targeted by Instant Fusion.

I sense a good story coming up. Should be a twist from your original story, but I still think the old one was just as good as this one.[/center][/center]

[IceDorago]

Oh, crap. I totally forgot that part of Instant Fusion. Yeah, I felt the beginning was a bit rushed, but honestly, your review was more positive than I expected to get, as I personally felt that this chapter had nothing good in it at all.

[Umbra]

I assume the centering of the text is a victim to the infamous bug: I suggest fixing that, as it becomes a bit hard to read. Other than that, it's an alright story. You're a bit heavy on the dialog, so more descriptions would be a good thing - it becomes a bit dull without them. I felt a bit like I was supposed to care for Takeshi, but I honestly can't, not much. He just doesn't seem to be in that much trouble. The descriptions that you [i]do [/i]have are too straight-forward: it feels like you're reading items off a grocery shopping list. There's not enough emotion, simply put.

I was going to point out the Instant Fusion thing, but it seems like that has already been addressed.

The [i]in medias res[/i] beginning was alright, but could've been handled better. The tension only exists for that one moment the punch is being thrown: after that, you go on to describe Tsuyoshi's looks and hair.

I can't really say much about the story, but you've already got one thing going for you: it's not generic. We don't have a protagonist late for their admission to Duel Academy: we have Mister Faceless that stands up for those that can't defend themselves. I can't help but to wonder where the story will go from here, though: will we focus on Takeshi, or will we learn more about his mysterious savior? Frodo or Aragorn? I guess we'll find out.

Overall, I'll say this. You've got me interested. It's not perfect, and it needs some work, but it's definitely interesting. There are a few questions to answer, and I look forward to see how you deal with them.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Hmm, different start for sure.

It's already been pointed out but the centering made it difficult to read. As did not spacing out paragraphs like me Umbra and Dante have done in our comments. The paragraphs all seem to be one line as well - first a little bit of narrative, then a description of a card effect, then another paragraph for one sentance of narrative, then another card effect, etc. Its okay to keep going back and forth in one paragraph, or simply try to rearrange your sentances to keep it flowing better. You don't have to have an action for every card, or a physical description for every monster especially if they're only on the field for two seconds before being used as Synchro/Xyz material.

As for the pre-build up and content, different to see a lead protagonist get off to a weak start (an angle I admire ZEXAL for going with this time as one of its strongest points). Got a bit generic afterwards though that he was just a card thief, who just so happened to introduce himself to his victims ("yeah I'm Matt, with a double T for when you tell cops later") and that he's a sadist, but hey its chapter one, don't need fireworks yet.

Mystery man is intruging for chapter one. Using Ice Barrier... is okay only because of Trishula's awesomeness as a boss. However winning in one turn was fine, but by using United We Stand x3 was kinda... let down.

[IceDorago]

Sometimes I do feel like I'm going overboard with descriptions for monsters, myself. I don't really like OTKs at all, but I thought I should show the difference in levels between Takeshi and the mystery duelist. (Wow, it feels strange calling him that.) I wanted to have him win in a way that didn't involve Brionac or Trishula. I tried some other stuff, but it wasn't resulting in an OTK unless I attacked Gagaga, but I wanted to go anime-style-like, and kill off the ace.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

[quote name='IceDorago' timestamp='1317764944' post='5560685']
Sometimes I do feel like I'm going overboard with descriptions for monsters, myself. I don't really like OTKs at all, but I thought I should show the difference in levels between Takeshi and the mystery duelist. (Wow, it feels strange calling him that.) I wanted to have him win in a way that didn't involve Brionac or Trishula. I tried some other stuff, but it wasn't resulting in an OTK unless I attacked Gagaga, but I wanted to go anime-style-like, and kill off the ace.
[/quote]

That's fair enough thinking for the statement in one turn killing the boss, and Dewloren is kickass in its own right. It was the power up using 3 of the same equip spell was kinda dull. Maybe somehow reduce his monsters ATK to 0 or something would have just... had more impact.

[IceDorago]

Bump? Will post new chapter soon.