Bilbo Baggins Posted January 15, 2013 Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 Their no one has to read it so if some moderator would block this topic I don't have to listen to you people any more. Like i've said multiple times before this is my first book and I never planned to publish it, this book was just somthing to do on the rare times where I can do what I want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Spike the Bloody Posted January 15, 2013 Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 Font is too small, no line breaks, almost all dialouge, mediocre descriptions....I had to stop a third of the way in. This needs some serious work, and I mean serious work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aix Posted January 15, 2013 Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 I will help you with a few edits. Don't have time to do the full thing, but anyway, the intro:Many years ago in the great land(Seriously, 'Great Land'? Tell me you can come up with an actual name for this land, or you could go with something like 'in the land which the humans know as [insert land name here]'),(punctuation) Mortethel, the Evil Lord (I have never heard anyone call themself the Evil Lord, Evil Lord sounds overly... dumb for lack of a better word to say it) named Barthon and his allies, The Shadow Lord Syrinus (Capitalize titles), and The Lord of Death Darithorn (But, seriously, could you not come up with better titles than 'Lord'? And don't just call them by their title, explain that they are not calling themselves that, because that would be silly if they did, and say something like 'Darithon, known as the Marquis of Death...) commanded their armies to crush the outside world with no mercy to anyone. Barthonal’s army was made up of many orcs and goblins (maybe condense this into 'Greenskins', so that you have room to describe the 'other dark creatures'?) and other dark creatures (other dark creatures, oh rly?), Syrinus’s army consisted of dark men and Ark angels (Dark angels or archangels?), Darithorn’s army consisted of the Undead (Capitalize to make it seem like a bigger deal). Many small bands of Elves, Humans, Dwarfs, Mages, and other powerful creatures waged war against the dark armies. 3 years later, (punctuation. -_-) the forces of good grew strong and fought against the united Lords of Darkness’s armies (so when did you come up with the name 'United Lords of Darkness', don't just throw in a name like that without introducing it first, like put, somewhere above, 'and they were known as the Lords of Darkness...'), the battle lasted 8 months but finally the dark forces of the Shadow Realm retreated back to the Shadow Lands, (punctuation) an evil and eerie place that had a fowl stench (of all things you could describe of it, you describe its smell? O_o, say something else about it, unless you want one of the motivations of the Lords of Darkness to be that they don't want to live in the Shadow Lands because it smells bad). The forces of good would not have prevailed if they had not been led by such great heroes; the great king over humans, (punctuation) Borel, (punctuation)from the kingdom, (punctuation)Fitillian, (punctuation)the greatest kingdom of the humans. The victory also belonged to the Elven prince, (punctuation)Galioth, (punctuation)from the kingdom deep in Alios, and the champion of the Dwarves, (punctuation)Vros, (punctuation)who dwells deep in the ancient mountains, cliffs, and quarries. The dark rulers remained behind their evil fortress with what remained of their armies, (punctuation) preparing for their next opportunity to strike.Seriously, you need to come up with better titles. Overall, sounds severely cliche. No offense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bilbo Baggins Posted January 16, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 Font is too small, no line breaks, almost all dialouge, mediocre descriptions....I had to stop a third of the way in. This needs some serious work, and I mean serious work. I thought I already said that I AM EDITING IT get off my back. I will help you with a few edits. Don't have time to do the full thing, but anyway, the intro:Many years ago in the great land(Seriously, 'Great Land'? Tell me you can come up with an actual name for this land, or you could go with something like 'in the land which the humans know as [insert land name here]'),(punctuation) Mortethel(mortethel is the land , the Evil Lord (I have never heard anyone call themself the Evil Lord, Evil Lord sounds overly... dumb for lack of a better word to say it) named Barthon and his allies, The Shadow Lord Syrinus (Capitalize titles), and The Lord of Death Darithorn (But, seriously, could you not come up with better titles than 'Lord'? And don't just call them by their title, explain that they are not calling themselves that, because that would be silly if they did, and say something like 'Darithon, known as the Marquis of Death...) commanded their armies to crush the outside world with no mercy to anyone. Barthonal’s army was made up of many orcs and goblins (maybe condense this into 'Greenskins', so that you have room to describe the 'other dark creatures'?) and other dark creatures (other dark creatures, oh rly?), Syrinus’s army consisted of dark men and Ark angels (Dark angels or archangels?), Darithorn’s army consisted of the Undead (Capitalize to make it seem like a bigger deal). Many small bands of Elves, Humans, Dwarfs, Mages, and other powerful creatures waged war against the dark armies. 3 years later, (punctuation. -_-) the forces of good grew strong and fought against the united Lords of Darkness’s armies (so when did you come up with the name 'United Lords of Darkness', don't just throw in a name like that without introducing it first, like put, somewhere above, 'and they were known as the Lords of Darkness...'), the battle lasted 8 months but finally the dark forces of the Shadow Realm retreated back to the Shadow Lands, (punctuation) an evil and eerie place that had a fowl stench (of all things you could describe of it, you describe its smell? O_o, say something else about it, unless you want one of the motivations of the Lords of Darkness to be that they don't want to live in the Shadow Lands because it smells bad) I was only describing what it was like there. The forces of good would not have prevailed if they had not been led by such great heroes; the great king over humans, (punctuation) Borel, (punctuation)from the kingdom, (punctuation)Fitillian, (punctuation)the greatest kingdom of the humans. The victory also belonged to the Elven prince, (punctuation)Galioth, (punctuation)from the kingdom deep in Alios, and the champion of the Dwarves, (punctuation)Vros, (punctuation)who dwells deep in the ancient mountains, cliffs, and quarries. The dark rulers remained behind their evil fortress with what remained of their armies, (punctuation) preparing for their next opportunity to strike.Seriously, you need to come up with better titles. Overall, sounds severely cliche. No offense. When reading this you must not have paid attention. And yet again i have had to explain that I AM EDITING IT. I have a lot better things to do then edit this book just to please stupid online grammar nazies like yourselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Spike the Bloody Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 Then you should not have posted it until the edits were finished. As of now, this thing is terrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aix Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 Really... reading the rest of it, this is generic to the max... and as Spike has said description is mediocre, also the stuff is random. Are goblin attacks common? If they are, then, people wouldn't run off screaming cuz they are used to it. If they aren't you should mention stuff about how strange it was. Also, weren't the men just arguing a minute ago? When did they start liking each other again, or at least able to cooperate without fighting? If they sorted things out, you have to show it, show them figuring out that it was the goblins who killed the horse or whatever and make them apologize to each other. You totally skimped out on describing the fight at all, if you had a look at any fantasy novel, the fight description is at least a paragraph for short skirmishes and could go up to a page or more for important fights/boss fights, etc. What do people look like? At least, basic things like hair color, build (e.g. muscular, lean, thin, fat) and prominent facial features (e.g. extremely large nose, square face) should be communicated within the first bit after meeting someone new. You also avoided describing anything like facial expressions and emotions/feelings. Somewhere in a dialogue, you have to interject with a description of a person's expressions. Finally, I edited it out for you, and you start whining... talk about ungrateful much. As Spike said, edit before posting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 As a token of his appreciation he reported you for taking the time out of your day to help him with the editing process. Quite honestly I'll be the last to tell you to give up on this project, however what you've got as of now is pretty terrible. You can either quit entirely, because as you said prior you've apparently got no time to actually put the effort into making this as optimal as possible or you can quit complaining when people help you and accept the fact the there will be people who will give you criticism and in turn reflect upon yourself and change whatever needs revision. I would take the latter if I were you, and quickly at that. You don't want to give up on this and then look back on it later and regret the fact that the only reason for your failure is your stubbornness and ignorant mentality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 That, and the fact that not taking criticism well is a punishable offense in this section. Either edit or lock, because whining is unproductive and hurts both you and your audience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bilbo Baggins Posted January 17, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2013 Then you should not have posted it until the edits were finished. As of now, this thing is terrible.I would have waited but I had 10 different people complaining about not having it posted yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Spike the Bloody Posted January 17, 2013 Report Share Posted January 17, 2013 I would have waited but I had 10 different people complaining about not having it posted yet.So? Until YOU think its in posting shape, dont post it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bilbo Baggins Posted January 17, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2013 So? Until YOU think its in posting shape, dont post it. I didn't have time I have other things to do it was a wing it moment. Unlike most of you people I don't live on the computer I have a real life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Spike the Bloody Posted January 17, 2013 Report Share Posted January 17, 2013 I didn't have time I have other things to do it was a wing it moment. Unlike most of you people I don't live on the computer I have a real life. Wanna tip? Never, never, EVER, 'wing it' with fics. It will ALWAYS suck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted January 17, 2013 Report Share Posted January 17, 2013 I didn't have time I have other things to do it was a wing it moment. Unlike most of you people I don't live on the computer I have a real life. You didn't have time to... not post it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bilbo Baggins Posted January 17, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2013 You didn't have time to... not post it?No I didn't have time to edit it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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