Sir Yamiegg Posted April 9, 2014 Report Share Posted April 9, 2014 Completely unrelated to card games/anime/manga, but this forum is just for creative writing. It's a very short poem I was inspired to write on holiday. Its simplistic nature just feels... right to me, describing such an insect. Verse 3 was inspired by how I observed a mosquito after its "meal": almost as if it was drunk. Mosquito fly. Mosquito land. Mosquito look. It see hand. Proboscis wave. Mosquito bite. Mosquito drink. Mosquito like. Mosquito fat. Mosquito dizzy. Fly in circles. Head feel fizzy. Mosquito find A juicy man. It start again. Mosquito land... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Yamiegg Posted April 11, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 11, 2014 Bump. Anyone want to comment...? Please...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thar Posted April 12, 2014 Report Share Posted April 12, 2014 There's not really much to say here: It's short, simple, yet it's pretty shallow. Beyond the personification of a mosquito getting wasted off blood like a person getting drunk for various reasons, there's not much further meaning to dig into. Also, the rhyme scheme is pretty forced. The fact that you had to resort to caveman talk takes away from the fluency of what could've been an easy-going read. Poems aren't all about lining up syllables and shoving in rhymes at the end of every other line. To me, this felt more like a mother neanderthal's bedtime story to her child rather than a poem. The things I mentioned aren't necessarily BAD, but beyond the set-in-stone spelling and grammar rules that need to be followed, writing is a pretty subjective thing. I'm not saying this sucks, I'm just saying I don't care for it other than the comic image of a tipsy mosquito. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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