Raine Posted August 9, 2014 Report Share Posted August 9, 2014 Drastic times call for desperate measures. This is the chronicles of those who lived during a turbulent time and those who possessed the right to claim more. This story follows a man by the name of Richard who works of a contracted agency to upkeep the law and order through unsavory means in a nation in uprising. In 2016, a plague sweeps across the world causing mass death, public hysteria, and civil unrest. In New York, Richard meets an unusual contact who proves to be more than an enigma. In a world unchecked and chaotic, signs of change signal a future that may darker than the time before it. [spoiler=Chapter-1] Richard wasted no time as his forceful boot made his captive scramble through a warn doorway and eating the carpet on the other side. Tied, bound, and muted; his prisoner offered little resistance besides the muffled groans through dirty cloth. His host followed though and slammed the aged plywood shut, miraculously enough, not shattering into oblivion. Richard’s hands seized the cuffs much to the moderate irritability of their wearer and began dragging him through the remains of the downtrodden apartment they had temporary acquiesced. A final door in the back of the residence swung open as Richard tossed the prisoner threw yet again. The adequate crash must have been startling as the room’s previous occupier, a young girl, jumped at their intrusion. She must have been expecting them however in a more graceful manner because she began staring daggers at the one-man warden since his stunt. The young lady couldn’t have been older than 14 or 15, and she was exactly that. Her hair was neatly trimmed but wave nearest her shoulders. She adorned a private school uniform of a standard white button-up she seemingly had covered with a simple pale yellow sweater and black knee-length skirt. The only feature that might have remotely hinted at the truth in her nature was the ting of hat behind her dark brown pupils. She was obviously impatient with Richard and refused to speak first. Richard had no time to deal with this child and shrugged, “Look,” he said concedingly, “can you get me something from him?” The girl strolled closer to the door and the pair until her glistening black shoes was only the distance of one floorboard from his prison that was face down into the tempered wood. She gave another stab of her eyes to Richard, “I can acquire anything I like.” As if breaking out of character, she swung back her leg and sunk her foot into the stomach of their captive. His cough in pain was audibly heard despite his gag cloth. Richard was skeptical and his mistrust and unease with the situation was obvious, the girl mostly likely felt this and enjoyed playing off it. No man would take much joy in that scenario. The room was primarily bare aside from a small orifice that must have sufficed for a window and two chairs that were opposite each other, the far one was home to the unpleasant child before their intrusion. It took Richard a moment to prop up his prisoner up into the free chair and rebind him to it. His face was visible to the girl now; he was a typical American white a****** complete with s*it colored hair and eyes and a face only his mother could love. Richard had picked him up earlier; there would be very few tears over his disappearance. “Good, I’d hate to have to FedEx him to someone else if you refused.” The girl grabbed the 20-something prisoner by his hair and tossed him and his seat on their side, “Thanks a lot,” she answered sarcastically, “Go read or a magazine or something.” Richard did not like this scene; there was something about seeing someone so young and warped that just doesn’t let you sleep at night. “Yeah yeah, Eva, just…” he answered slowly trying to keep an eye on what she was doing, “the riots are close so can we make t-“. The girl stomped up to Richard, she was several inches shorter but that didn’t take the slight bask of fear out of him when their eyes met. “You don’t want to see what happens next,” she said solemnly and with that the door the slammed nearly bashing him in the nose. Richard tried to shake off the moment and stumbled through the remains of what was once a poor household. The moment of reprieve offered him a chance to sit finally and he found the living room he had rushed by after entering the tenement. There were pictures blanketed with the rot of a building well past its limit but standing in the ruins of this chaos. He wished he hadn’t had taken interest as the images of a single mother and her two sons caught his eye; there were birthday parties and sporting events. The style was almost tasteless and it made him chuckle but there wasn’t much to be so light about. Richard knew what happened to the people in these pictures. He knew what happened to everyone in this neighborhood. The city was descending into some unrecognizable state, slowly but surely. It had only been two years since the outbreak of the plague hit the states. It came from who-cares-where overseas but it’s been breaking down our law and order under the duress of panic and fears since. Richard felt the exhaustion in his bones; he had been running around for his superiors nigh endlessly since the inception of the pseudo-martial law took effect. Here in ABC City, the far east side of New York, the National Guard and the CDC have turned dozens of blocks where the infected were most concentrated into a massive quarantine ghetto. Everyone in these apartments was either dead from the virus or evicted into some government project. Finally the silence of the apartment broke into shards as the most bloodcurdling scream echoed through the rickety framework of the complex. The lights flickered and burst scattering the glass remains and the flooring beneath Richard’s feet cracked under duress and he jumped to evade falling to the floor below. After a few seconds of what he assumed to be some earthquake, the building quieted. Richard backed himself up to a wall and calmed himself to control his adrenaline. As soon as he reclaimed his sense he raced down the hall to the room he had left the girl and interogatee. His discovery was far from his initial expectation to check on their safety. The room was missing. The entire room from the doorway on was now replaced by a gaping hole in the side of the tenement. Standing in disbelief, he felt the wind from standing on such a high floor, he saw the limited cityscape, and everything that was here was gone. A tap on his shoulder sprung Richard out of his trance, the hand belonged to Eva. The young girl stood on the ledge that survived on the back wall of the room, her cheek and clothes were dyed with blood. Her expression was normal, she expected this? “H-ho-,” Richard couldn’t summon the words as his eyes were wide with disbelief and unable to process what just happened. Finally, “Did an explosive go off?” The girl managed a chuckle at the suggestion, “Don’t be stupid, delivery boy,” she poked her head over the ledge as the wind flustered up her hair and she spit. Richard recoiled in her behavior; Eva noticed and gave him a sadistic grin, “An eight story drop is too good for some people, wouldn’t you agree”. Richard felt such a combination of negative emotions he felt his stomach might combust from how this made him cringe but at the same time, in some unexplainable way, he was sad. The girl let off one final chuckle glaring down at the debris below before wiping her stained cheek on her sleeve. In no time, she moved towards the hallway and shoved her shoulder into Richard to remove him from her path, “I don’t feel like getting interviewed by Uncle Sam’s pet Rottweiler”. Richard quickly caught up to the situation and followed behind Eva as they exited the apartment, worse for wear than when they had borrowed it. He remembered to ask, “Did you get the names from him?” She began to sound annoyed, “I wouldn’t have sent him out a window without a parachute ‘unless’ I got what I needed, now wouldn’t I? Geez, I’m not in the mood to carry out other people’s errands like this”. They began to sprint down the stairs when they heard the sirens in the distance, careful of the rustic stairs that were losing their stability quickly. A quick exit out of a fire door gave them fresh oxygen and the sunlight of a mid-afternoon, the wreckage from the upper floor was now directly visible and present to Richard. A small crowd was gathering around the jumble of wood and cement, a few were even on their cell phones, chances are they discovered blood or the body within the mess. H still couldn’t get over it however his training and survival instincts jolted him to continue away however not soon enough for Eva not to notice his hesitance and again anger her. She was tapping her foot in impatience beside the passenger door of an old 2004 black Civic. Richard’s wit struck, “If you’re so eager perhaps you should drive.” Eva swung herself into the seat and scanned the surroundings to make sure no one saw them, “Would if I could, but I don’t have a driver’s license”. “I wouldn’t have taken you for the type to observe the law, you know, with the murders and general mayhem,” Richard shifted gear and they reversed out and began into the street just as two police cars zoomed past them. It seemed that if, at least for the moment, they had avoided messing their objective. Eva faked shock, “Impossible, I love the law.” She resigned to staring out the window as soon as the danger seemed to pass out of view. “I have a migraine, leave me alone until we arrive,” she said spitefully. Richard nodded, he had too questions about this whole ordeal. This whole mission was a massive f*ck-up as far as he was concerned. Normally, Richard just played the silent protector of law and order through the militant acts of the shadows. Being the ripe age of 28, he had the opportunity to have a few years of hard experience in keeping things running smoothly. Now, out of left field, he gets a mission where his contact is a pubescent girl and she blows the whole incognito aspect of wet work because she’s some psychopath. Richard sunk his fingers into the steering wheel; he had a complaint or two to file before he gets over this mess. His eyes wandered over to Eva, everything he knows about her is what just happened in the past few hours. He knows his organization well enough to know that someone like her is not from the unit; they wouldn’t do that to a girl or be so sloppy to train a deviant. Her eyes were shut and facing out the passenger window. Richard smiled, if only she wasn’t batshit crazy she might have been a good kid, he thought. He made sure to focus on the road as he weaved through the grid system of New York City. He was careful; the riots that were outside the quarantine zone have been cropping up in more and more places in response to increased government control. Running into one might result in unforeseen consequences. Just then the sight of a mass of people came into view in the distance, “Damn it,” he whispered. Richard gently tapped on the breaks to hit at a stoplight a block away. The mob was outside a government clinic, he knew the kind. They were usually led by conspiracy nuts who thought the government was conducting illegal human trials on patients or even healthy people the government arrests to find the cure. Something was off, Richard noticed, and he observed the roads around him. They were nearly empty, incoming traffic on all sides of the streetlight was nonexistent besides him; the city just felt quiet in here. To Richard, the feeling that the road was too devoid of cars made the hairs stand up on the back of his neck. His rear-view mirror showed an incoming car, perhaps the mob simply drove off most traffic. He checked to his right and ensure the girl was still sleeping, with was affirmed. He decided to wait for the next car to be safe. The car behind him was approaching in his lane. It grew closer and didn’t switch lanes. It wasn’t just not switching lanes, it was accelerating. Richard yelled at the realization, “Eva!?” The girl jumped awake but a half second later, the vehicle was struck whiplashing the two in their seats, and blanketing the interior with glass, and forcing Richard’s head into the steering wheel. The car behind kept on pushing Richard’s car into the intersection. Richard was staggered from the head trauma and just kept pumping the breaks as he couldn’t see out in front of him. Eva was recovering slowly; she forced her arms to drag herself back into an upright position. She noticed her clothes were stained with her own blood as well now, she turned to Richard. He was conscious but she could see his head was bleeding. “Rich-,” she was interrupted by a blaring horn. She whipped to her right out the window; a semi-truck was steamrolling towards their vehicle. “Richard! Go forward!” Richard finally regained enough consciousness to piece himself together. It was quiet now and they weren’t moving. Richard tried to move but yelped in pain. He had felt this before, he guessed his ribs and maybe more where broken let alone he might be concussed. Richard looked for his partner. The girl was not in her seat, neither was the door of the Civic. Richard forced his arms to open his own door and he ejected himself from the car. When he finally put his feet under him, his eyes gapped wide. Impaled by a cone of all black 10 feet tall, a semi-truck was suspended into the air between between the shadow and the brick wall beside the intersection. He followed the unearthly black that wedged itself like a blade into the driver’s seat of car that assaulted him. His body wreathing in pain, he move to the window and recoiled. The driver’s body was mutilated by the black into a mass of meat and bone. Richard couldn’t catch his breath; this isn’t real, what even is this monstrosity. “It… It...” he was having a panic attack when he finally realized, “It saved me…” Richard scanned the scene of the accident; he hadn’t noticed the young girl’s body anywhere. He back stepped and looked for any sign of her. The mob across the block had noticed the accident and was beginning to approach the cars. He had to leave, he couldn’t be seen let alone around, whatever this was. Richard began to limp away towards an alley when he noticed a trail of droplets of black. The shade cast by the buildings made the figure that huddled in the rummage of that urban dwelling difficult to identify. Richard rose to offer his hand to the figure, “Eva, is that you?” The silence of that alley did not answer. Richard stepped closer, “Eva, are you okay, we must get back.” The silent waited and then a voice came, “Sovereign? I waited so long,” Richard tried to act confident, her voice was different. She sounds vulnerable and… sad. The voice came again from her figure which Richard could now discern, “I knew you would, I always knew you would”. Richard’s eyes followed movement; the shadows of the alley were moving. No, they were shifting and growing. Richard was in awe, “How can you do th-,” he jumped. Eva stood inches from his face, her face nearly unrecognizable in red. Her eyes tinted with her angst and hate, “You lied.” Richard’s world went black. [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted August 20, 2014 Report Share Posted August 20, 2014 You asked for a response? [spoiler=Chapter-1] Richard wasted no time as his forceful boot made his captive scramble through a warn doorway, his face eating (?) the carpet on the other side. Tied, bound, and muted; his prisoner offered little resistance besides the muffled groans through dirty cloth. His host followed though and slammed the aged plywood shut, miraculously enough, not shattering into oblivion. (why's it miraculous?) Richard’s hands seized the cuffs, much to the moderate irritability of their wearer, and began dragging him through the remains of the downtrodden apartment they had temporarily acquiesced. A final door in the back of the residence swung open as Richard tossed the prisoner through yet again. The adequate (accompanying? I'm not sure what you're saying using this word) crash must have been startling as the room’s previous occupier, a young girl, jumped at their intrusion. (You don't even need to say that the "crash must have been startling, as the girl jumping at the intrusion will imply that.) She must have been expecting them however in a more graceful manner because she began staring daggers at the one-man warden since his stunt. (Sentence could use some commas. The flow of the sentence feels off as well. Everything after "staring daggers" feels like it should be reworked.) like The young lady couldn’t have been older than 14 or 15, and she was exactly that. (Just leave it at that, we only really need to know how old she looks like.) Her hair was neatly trimmed but wave nearest her shoulders. (There's definitely a better way to word this.) She adorned a private school uniform of a standard white button-up she seemingly had covered with a simple pale yellow sweater and black knee-length skirt. The only feature that might have remotely hinted at the truth in her nature was the ting of hat behind her dark brown pupils. She was obviously impatient with Richard and refused to speak first. (If she's refusing to speak first, you'd think she wouldn't be impatient. I would probably ignore the impatience part and spend a sentence or two describing a long silence and Richard's conclusion that she will not speak.) Richard had no time to deal with this child and shrugged, “Look,” he said concedingly, “can you get me something from him?” The girl strolled closer to the pair at the door until her glistening black shoes were only the distance of one floorboard from his prison (the understandable scale of a prison doesn't exactly make this word feel like it should fit in this instance) that was face down into the tempered wood. She gave another stab of her eyes at Richard, (I'm iffy on the phrase "stab of her eyes", but that's your call) “I can acquire anything I like.” As if breaking out of character, she swung back her leg and sunk her foot into the stomach of their captive. His cough in pain was audibly heard despite his gag cloth. Richard was skeptical and his mistrust and unease with the situation was obvious, (the problem here is that we don't know what he is skeptical of or mistrusting of) the girl mostly likely felt this and enjoyed playing off it. No man would take much joy in that scenario. The room was primarily bare aside from a small orifice that must have sufficed for a window and two chairs that were opposite each other, the far one was home to the unpleasant child before their intrusion. It took Richard a moment to prop up his prisoner up into the free chair and rebind him to it. His face was visible to the girl now. He was a typical white American a****** complete with s*it colored hair and eyes and a face only his mother could love. Richard had picked him up earlier; there would be very few tears over his disappearance. “Good, I’d hate to have to FedEx him to someone else if you refused.” The girl grabbed the 20-something prisoner by his hair and tossed him and his seat on their side, “Thanks a lot,” she answered sarcastically, “Go read or a magazine or something.” Richard did not like this scene; there was something about seeing someone so young and warped that just doesn’t let you sleep at night. “Yeah yeah, Eva, just…” he answered slowly trying to keep an eye on what she was doing, “the riots are close so can we make t-“. (everything up to this point made it seem like he was unfamiliar with her, and yet we get to this point and they're clearly acquainted. On the same length, you've been switching who we're following by entering into both Richard and the girl's mind, making the exposition for the most part feel off as long as they're both in the same scene.) The girl stomped up to Richard. She was several inches shorter but that didn’t take the slight bask of fear out of him when their eyes met. “You don’t want to see what happens next,” she said solemnly and with that the door the slammed, nearly bashing him in the nose. Richard tried to shake off the moment and stumbled through the remains of what was once a poor household. The moment of reprieve offered him a chance to sit finally and he found the living room he had rushed by after entering the tenement. There were pictures blanketed with the rot of a building well past its limit but standing in the ruins of this chaos. He wished he hadn’t had taken interest as the images of a single mother and her two sons caught his eye; there were birthday parties and sporting events. The style was almost tasteless and it made him chuckle but there wasn’t much to be so light about. Richard knew what happened to the people in these pictures. He knew what happened to everyone in this neighborhood. The city was descending into some unrecognizable state, slowly but surely. It had only been two years since the outbreak of the plague hit the states. It came from who-cares-where overseas but it’s been breaking down our (I don't suggest changing tenses here) law and order under the duress of panic and fears since. Richard felt the exhaustion in his bones; he had been running around for his superiors nigh endlessly since the inception of the pseudo-martial law took effect. Here in ABC City, the far east side of New York, the National Guard and the CDC have turned dozens of blocks where the infected were most concentrated into a massive quarantine ghetto. Everyone in these apartments was either dead from the virus or evicted into some government project. Finally the silence of the apartment broke into shards as the most bloodcurdling scream echoed through the rickety framework of the complex. The lights flickered and burst scattering the glass remains and the flooring beneath Richard’s feet cracked under duress and he jumped to evade falling to the floor below. After a few seconds of what he assumed to be some earthquake, the building quieted. Richard backed himself up to a wall and calmed himself to control his adrenaline. As soon as he reclaimed his sense he raced down the hall to the room he had left the girl and interogatee. His discovery was far from his initial expectation to check on their safety. The room was missing. The entire room from the doorway on was now replaced by a gaping hole in the side of the tenement. Standing in disbelief, he felt the wind from standing on such a high floor, he saw the limited cityscape, and everything that was here was gone. A tap on his shoulder sprung Richard out of his trance, the hand belonged to Eva. The young girl stood on the ledge that survived on the back wall of the room, her cheek and clothes were dyed with blood. Her expression was normal, she expected this? “H-how-,” (gotta get the "w" in there or people may not know he means "how" instead of trying to immitate Santa) Richard couldn’t summon the words as his eyes were wide with disbelief and unable to process what just happened. Finally, “Did an explosive go off?” The girl managed a chuckle at the suggestion, “Don’t be stupid, delivery boy,” she poked her head over the ledge as the wind flustered up her hair and she spit. Richard recoiled in her behavior; Eva noticed and gave him a sadistic grin, “An eight story drop is too good for some people, wouldn’t you agree”. Richard felt such a combination of negative emotions he felt his stomach might combust from how this made him cringe but at the same time, in some unexplainable way, he was sad. The girl let off one final chuckle glaring down at the debris below before wiping her stained cheek on her sleeve. In no time, she moved towards the hallway and shoved her shoulder into Richard to remove him from her path, “I don’t feel like getting interviewed by Uncle Sam’s pet Rottweiler”. Richard quickly caught up to the situation and followed behind Eva as they exited the apartment, worse for wear than when they had borrowed it. He remembered to ask, “Did you get the names from him?” She began to sound annoyed, “I wouldn’t have sent him out a window without a parachute ‘unless’ I got what I needed, now wouldn’t I? Geez, I’m not in the mood to carry out other people’s errands like this”. They began to sprint down the stairs when they heard the sirens in the distance, careful of the rustic stairs that were losing their stability quickly. A quick exit out of a fire door gave them fresh oxygen and the sunlight of a mid-afternoon, the wreckage from the upper floor was now directly visible and present to Richard. A small crowd was gathering around the jumble of wood and cement, a few were even on their cell phones, chances are they discovered blood or the body within the mess. H still couldn’t get over it however his training and survival instincts jolted him to continue away however not soon enough for Eva not to notice his hesitance and again anger her. She was tapping her foot in impatience beside the passenger door of an old 2004 black Civic. Richard’s wit struck, “If you’re so eager perhaps you should drive.” Eva swung herself into the seat and scanned the surroundings to make sure no one saw them, “Would if I could, but I don’t have a driver’s license”. “I wouldn’t have taken you for the type to observe the law, you know, with the murders and general mayhem,” Richard shifted gear and they reversed out and began into the street just as two police cars zoomed past them. It seemed that if, at least for the moment, they had avoided messing their objective. Eva faked shock, “Impossible, I love the law.” She resigned to staring out the window as soon as the danger seemed to pass out of view. “I have a migraine, leave me alone until we arrive,” she said spitefully. Richard nodded, he had too questions about this whole ordeal. This whole mission was a massive f*ck-up as far as he was concerned. Normally, Richard just played the silent protector of law and order through the militant acts of the shadows. Being the ripe age of 28, he had the opportunity to have a few years of hard experience in keeping things running smoothly. Now, out of left field, he gets a mission where his contact is a pubescent girl and she blows the whole incognito aspect of wet work because she’s some psychopath. Richard sunk his fingers into the steering wheel; he had a complaint or two to file before he gets over this mess. His eyes wandered over to Eva, everything he knows (Can't keep shifting tense like this) about her is what just happened in the past few hours. He knows his organization well enough to know that someone like her is not from the unit; they wouldn’t do that to a girl or be so sloppy to train a deviant. Her eyes were shut and facing out the passenger window. Richard smiled, if only she wasn’t batshit crazy she might have been a good kid, he thought. He made sure to focus on the road as he weaved through the grid system of New York City. He was careful; the riots that were outside the quarantine zone have been cropping up in more and more places in response to increased government control. Running into one might result in unforeseen consequences. Just then the sight of a mass of people came into view in the distance, “Damn it,” he whispered. Richard gently tapped on the breaks to hit at a stoplight a block away. The mob was outside a government clinic, he knew the kind. They were usually led by conspiracy nuts who thought the government was conducting illegal human trials on patients or even healthy people the government arrests to find the cure. Something was off, Richard noticed, and he observed the roads around him. They were nearly empty, incoming traffic on all sides of the streetlight was nonexistent besides him; the city just felt quiet in here. To Richard, the feeling that the road was too devoid of cars made the hairs stand up on the back of his neck. His rear-view mirror showed an incoming car, perhaps the mob simply drove off most traffic. He checked to his right and ensure the girl was still sleeping, with was affirmed. (don't get this) He decided to wait for the next car to be safe. The car behind him was approaching in his lane. It grew closer and didn’t switch lanes. It wasn’t just not switching lanes, it was accelerating. Richard yelled at the realization, “Eva!?” The girl jumped awake but a half second later, the vehicle was struck whiplashing the two in their seats, and blanketing the interior with glass, and forcing Richard’s head into the steering wheel. The car behind kept on pushing Richard’s car into the intersection. Richard was staggered from the head trauma and just kept pumping the breaks as he couldn’t see out in front of him. Eva was recovering slowly; she forced her arms to drag herself back into an upright position. She noticed her clothes were stained with her own blood as well now, she turned to Richard. He was conscious but she could see his head was bleeding. (this was a lot smoother a transition into Eva's perspective, but I still feel like it was off considering how much access its supposed to give to a girl who is a complete oddity to the character we're normally following. I would have probably jumped from Richard being knocked out to him waking up. Although the second vehicle approaching was good added tension, that tension only lasted until Richard woke up a sentence later and there's no car there.) “Rich-,” she was interrupted by a blaring horn. She whipped to her right out the window; a semi-truck was steamrolling towards their vehicle. “Richard! Go forward!” Richard finally regained enough consciousness to piece himself together. It was quiet now and they weren’t moving. Richard tried to move but yelped in pain. He had felt this before, he guessed his ribs and maybe more where broken let alone he might be concussed. Richard looked for his partner. The girl was not in her seat, neither was the door of the Civic. Richard forced his arms to open his own door and he ejected himself from the car. When he finally put his feet under him, his eyes gapped wide. Impaled by a cone of all black 10 feet tall, a semi-truck was suspended into the air between between the shadow and the brick wall beside the intersection. He followed the unearthly black that wedged itself like a blade into the driver’s seat of car that assaulted him. His body wreathing in pain, he move to the window and recoiled. The driver’s body was mutilated by the black into a mass of meat and bone. Richard couldn’t catch his breath; this isn’t real, what even is this monstrosity. “It… It...” he was having a panic attack when he finally realized, “It saved me…” Richard scanned the scene of the accident; he hadn’t noticed the young girl’s body anywhere. He back stepped and looked for any sign of her. The mob across the block had noticed the accident and was beginning to approach the cars. He had to leave, he couldn’t be seen let alone around, whatever this was. Richard began to limp away towards an alley when he noticed a trail of droplets of black. The shade cast by the buildings made the figure that huddled in the rummage of that urban dwelling difficult to identify. Richard rose to offer his hand to the figure, “Eva, is that you?” The silence of that alley did not answer. Richard stepped closer, “Eva, are you okay, we must get back.” The silent waited and then a voice came, “Sovereign? I waited so long,” Richard tried to act confident, her voice was different. She sounds vulnerable and… sad. The voice came again from her figure which Richard could now discern, “I knew you would, I always knew you would”. Richard’s eyes followed movement; the shadows of the alley were moving. No, they were shifting and growing. Richard was in awe, “How can you do th-,” he jumped. Eva stood inches from his face, her face nearly unrecognizable in red. Her eyes tinted with her angst and hate, “You lied.” Richard’s world went black. [/spoiler] Okay, so the story you have is interesting, but I wouldn't necessarily say its well written. There's a lot of word choice, jagged sentence structure, tense changes and a few spelling and grammatical errors. The latter two aren't really a problem, as most people make them, but I'd urge you to work on the first two. Read each sentence out loud to make sure it flows well. Word and sentence flow, I feel, is really important to how easy a sentence, and thereby a story, is to read. So be sure to go through each sentence and think about if there are easier ways to write the sentence while still getting the point across. I think this will help a lot as there were a few times that I may or may not have noted where the sentence neither flows well nor gets its point across well enough. Which is a shame, because the underlying story is actually really interesting and I want to know more about it. I went in depth in editing and commenting in the first few paragraphs, but toned it down so I could actually finish this for you, I hope it helps. I think the easiest way to work out what I've suggested you need improving on is just to reread what you write and try thinking through how a sentence is read, possibly reading each out loud while thinking about both sentence flow and how a person who does not know what you are trying to say is going to interpret the words you put down in the order they are presented. Also, use more commas. Commas are cool, yo. I wanna see chapter 2~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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