Elijah~ Posted May 24, 2015 Report Share Posted May 24, 2015 So I had recently started making my own raps and I've shown many people and they say that it was pretty good. I just wanted to what you guys think about this and maybe give me some constructuve criticism on how I can get better. Here is one of my more recent ones. Keep in mind that I'm an amateur and I just wrote this off the top of my head : [Verse 1: E-lijah] I used to think that fame just happened overnight A lot of girls these days are so uptight and some are so polite I often run across fake smiles, styles, and overbites But you can can count on me to be the shining silver knight I remember when I was bout 10 or maybe 9 My big bro used to tell me bout the rappers in his time Like when Busta had the Rhymes And Puffy had the Shyne And when Eazy E was in his prime Now I may or may not finish, since I'm really pressed for time I'm just tryna focus on keeping up the rhyme When I get my cherry limeade, I put in extra lime And I always treat a lady like she's 90 plus a dime [Verse 2:E-lijah] Now hold up, y'all thought I was finished I just had to take a break and let my breath replenish When I slip on the lab coat, you can call me a chemist If you say I'm ever missing, I'm chillin in Venice Everytime I'm out there, I'm known as a menace This one dude tried to flex while we was playin some tennis That's why I broke that guys' teeth,he needs a dentist When I come down the street mad, I'm like a raging tempest I got to calm my temper cause it's really bad for business My stacks is multiplying by the minute And if you dont believe, just look at my digits I try not to cuss because my family's religious [Outro: Crab Hamlet] I RUN THIS BLOCK, SO FEEL MY PRESENCE I'MMA LANDLORD AND I'MMA LIEUTENANT YALL JUST NEW TENANTS, AND I LOOT TENANTS BETTER DO PENANCE OR YOU'RE DONE - DEATH SENTENCE BEG. SHOW REPENTANCE MAYBE GET REPLENISHED MAYBE f*** YOU UP IN THE ASS TILL I'M FINISHED HOW COME I f*** YO ASS??? THAT'S NONE OF YO BUSINESS BUT I'MMA GET IN THERE AND RECORD IT FO GUINNESS ERECT AND UNPROTECTED MAKE IT FIT LIKE TETRIS MAKE THAT ASS SHAKE UP AND DOWN - ETCH-A-SKETCHES STRAIGHT DOGGYSTYLE, YOU'RE MY b**** THAT FETCHES DOWN YO THROAT AND YOU CHOKE THAT'S WHY YALL JUST WRETCHES Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~ P O L A R I S ~ Posted May 24, 2015 Report Share Posted May 24, 2015 And I always treat a lady like she 90 plus a dime Very nice sir! xD If you say I'm ever missing, I'm chillin in VeniceOne time I went there I saw Denace the MenaceHe was on the court with you playing that tennisI think I saw him break some guys' teeth,ooh, he needs a dentist Got a little lost here, I like the two syllable rhyme scheme but the rest of the verse is about you and then you go to Venice to watch Dennis in the middle, so maybe leave Dennis out of it so you can be that menace in Venice and you're the one breaking teeth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~ P O L A R I S ~ Posted May 24, 2015 Report Share Posted May 24, 2015 here's my ft. verse I RUN THIS BLOCK, SO FEEL MY PRESENCE I'MMA LANDLORD AND I'MMA LIEUTENANT YALL JUST NEW TENANTS, AND I LOOT TENANTS BETTER DO PENANCE OR YOU'RE DONE - DEATH SENTENCE BEG. SHOW REPENTANCE MAYBE GET REPLENISHED MAYBE f*** YOU UP IN THE ASS TILL I'M FINISHED HOW COME I f*** YO ASS??? THAT'S NONE OF YO BUSINESS BUT I'MMA GET IN THERE AND RECORD IT FO GUINNESS ERECT AND UNPROTECTED MAKE IT FIT LIKE TETRIS MAKE THAT ASS SHAKE UP AND DOWN - ETCH-A-SKETCHES STRAIGHT DOGGYSTYLE, YOU'RE MY BITCH THAT FETCHES DOWN YO THROAT AND YOU CHOKE THAT'S WHY YALL JUST WRETCHES *bows* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elijah~ Posted May 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2015 Very nice sir! xD [background=#fbfdfe]Got a little lost here, I like the two syllable rhyme scheme but the rest of the verse is about you and then you go to Venice to watch Dennis in the middle, so maybe leave Dennis out of it so you can be that menace in Venice and you're the one breaking teeth. [/background] So how about something like this: If you say I'm ever missing, I'm chillin in Venice Everytime I'm out there, I'm known as a menace This one dude tried to flex while we was playin some tennis That's why I broke that guys' teeth,ooh, he needs a dentist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madsen Posted May 25, 2015 Report Share Posted May 25, 2015 here's my ft. verse I RUN THIS BLOCK, SO FEEL MY PRESENCE I'MMA LANDLORD AND I'MMA LIEUTENANT YALL JUST NEW TENANTS, AND I LOOT TENANTS BETTER DO PENANCE OR YOU'RE DONE - DEATH SENTENCE BEG. SHOW REPENTANCE MAYBE GET REPLENISHED MAYBE f*** YOU UP IN THE ASS TILL I'M FINISHED HOW COME I f*** YO ASS??? THAT'S NONE OF YO BUSINESS BUT I'MMA GET IN THERE AND RECORD IT FO GUINNESS ERECT AND UNPROTECTED MAKE IT FIT LIKE TETRIS MAKE THAT ASS SHAKE UP AND DOWN - ETCH-A-SKETCHES STRAIGHT DOGGYSTYLE, YOU'RE MY b**** THAT FETCHES DOWN YO THROAT AND YOU CHOKE THAT'S WHY YALL JUST WRETCHES *bows* ROFL bars man MAD BAAARS i'd give u a fire emoji but ycm only has this weaboo shit so have one of those :7600_key: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elijah~ Posted May 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2015 Just bumping this thread with an update. I have another work in progress going on and it should be posted sometime next week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elijah~ Posted June 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2015 Here is one that is somewhat old but I would like this one to get rated while I am still writing my new one. Here you go: Me and my squad we just chillin in ms.flurry We puttin in work like my homie steph curry I know im kinda late im sorry to make you worry All them haters out there make my vision kinda blurry I gotta end this fast cause im kinda in a hurry Maybe thats the reason why my speech is kinda slurry When i pull out the glock you know the people start to scurry Thats the main reason why i gotta stand in front the jury Now i know i must stop before i sound like iggy I gotta keep trying so i can get a flow like biggie Thats takes a lot of practice and its really tricky When i think about tricky, it reminds me of icky vicky And that verse I just said had sounded really gritty But thats a matter of opinion and I know you guys are picky When i wake up in the morning i gotta watch my mickey Before I pass away, Im gonna donate my kidney And the next time you see, I'm probably gon be skinny Ha ha I was lying, now you gotta excuse me I'm gonna help the homeless and clean up the debris When I start to scratch too much I think have a flea Now this rap is complete, mission accomplished Now I better finish reading so I can go off to college They say the if you keep learning, you increase your knowledge This rap is really dope and I hope its acknowledged And now I'm really finished and I'm about to leave mic The rap is really fire and its burning bright You gotta keep your glasses if you wanna keep your sight And if you come at me wrong, I'm gonna put a fight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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