Hello, and Welcome to Savepoints, Cosmic Lessons I've learned about Life and Myself by playing Video Games

[Makο]

My name is Goldvision and I'd like to welcome cultured historyphiles, Gyro Taste Testers, as well as those who are decidedly unaware of the current trade-in value of their country's economy. This vivid side-scrolling Grecian Mythology themed gameventure I'm playing is called Apotheon, a word defined as an individual element of a greater, transcendent whole, as well as one who is exalted or elevated to the state of godhood, as well as–and most importantly–an anagram for hanepoot, the South African white wine derived through the fermentation of the muscat blanc d'Alexandrie grape, the origins of which could be traced back to Greece itself which is a fun little self-referential twist albeit completely unimportant given that I was on fire and I was very likely going to die.

 

I'll often find myself within a situation virtual or otherwise that I am quite, quite underprepared for. It is rarely undeserved, for some reason when presented with an increased difficulty I always brazenly accept as if my millions of rounds of Counterstrike 1.4 somehow translate to every possible game. This is often the product of my overzealous, uninformed nature, my tendency to leap first, shoot second, look and finally forget to ask any questions. For this reason I often find myself deep within the confines of hell, perhaps not everyone's definition but certainly one to consider, a place of esoteric awfulness and despair that one should very much like to escape from.

 

My avatar Nikandros didn't start out in hell, of course. In fact, after the prologue and difficulty selection statue the game offers you a myriad of kingdoms to chose from, kingdoms of the deities of ancient Greek mythologies. For some reason I chose to go straight to hell supposing that if I could get hell out of the way, I could then easily survive basically any other place. Except obviously the popular chain restaurant "The Sizzler."

 

Upon crossing the river Styx my lovely polipomp Karen began a very compelling dissertation about something something, a perfect opportunity to enjoy an entire tray of peanut butter cookies. I safely reach the far bank of the Stygian river and promptly and accidentally evaporated half of the polipomp's passengers in a business as usual attempt to smash all smashables.

 

As I would begin to learn in spite of Karen's attempts to enlighten me that there were four additional rivers beyond the Styx down in Hades, each one with its own unique featurettes and personalities. The first I tackled was also the least dangerous, Lethe, river of forgetfulness, a puzzle cave with a series of doppleganger exits. Although asking me to memorize anything is basically like slathering on another thick layer of hell. This time around it wasn't particularly difficult even with all of the dead people trying to kill Nikandros; people who probably just wanted to steal my flashcards and Lethe workbook so they could get out.

 

The second challenge was Acheron, the river of woe, a slightly more completely red hued river, housing angrier deader people and doors that only opened by patiently waiting on appropriate platforms. This process reminded me a lot of what it was like to get dinner at the Sizzler, these guards not unlike endless quantity of shrimps who kept coming back long after I thought I had finished them off. And when the doors finally opened and I escaped to freedom, I would immediately discover just another plate with more and more shrimp as Dr. Peppers flowed endlessly like the well-documented Dr. Pepper waterfalls of the caverns of Acheron.

 

The third river, Phlegethon, was of course on fire, giant flames roaring upwards, chasing Nikandros as he grasped for air and for the locked away burning blade, a sword which was engulfed in flames. Some of the guards were chasing me in spite of the fact that as they all did they were all being set on fire themselves. But fortunately none of this reminded me of the Sizzler at all.

 

The fourth and final river, Cocytus, the river of wailing, seemed a bit too easy at first. An automated boat would cross the river for me, no time for peanut butter cookies, just a switch and an ancient Grecian stone three-cylinder engine. Soon I was attacked by an army of dead farmers, armed with sickles all trying to reap Nikandros' heroism. They proved to be relentless, and my bragadocio jump-fighting would suddenly prove embarrassing, as I would fall off the ship and deep into the Cocytus. I tried to jump back onto my durious dingy but to no avail. I seemed trapped within the river, which like any river caused immediately hemorrhaging wounds.

 

Hell was certainly living up to it's name. Yes, I had chosen to go into it for a reason as vague as "Find Persephone," but not only had I been forced to memorized a triad of question mark animals and had been set on fire as I suffered non-stop flashbacks to my dinner at the Sizzler, I wasn't making any friends. In fact, everyone seemed hell-bent on trying to kill me, if only to create some death and hell anomaly. But no, I was not out here to die, and besides dying in the underworld would be hard harder to explain than just making it out alive.

 

The river extinguished the torch and now Nikandros' whole world was obscured in what was an illuminated blank stone canvas. I moved through the darkness, completely oblivious to what might have actually been happening as I watched my health drop all the way down to one, at which point I would consume a nectar of healing and then another to revitalize myself just enough to actually get to the other side. Suddenly I was safe, on the far bank of the Cocytus, the open door and instantly reactivated torch somewhat congratulating me as I chose to abandon all the remaining shrimp that endlessly pursued.

 

Having finally crossed all the rivers I was able to enter the door of Hades' chamber as I was charged with the task of "Finding Persephone." When I entered the throneroom, I was confronted by the shade of Aphion. I had apparently defeated him when he was angry and now he was dead, angry, the boss, and angry. His first first move was to create an ally from the nothingness and suddenly it all started to make sense to me. Hell was relentless and driven. The populace of hell didn't have anything else going on, as there were no barcades, or Tri-county malls down here; just a bunch of downer rivers and semi-informative tirades. So when someone with half a goal and a cool hat came by, all they saw was some fresh meat to drag down and serve up for a reasonable price. I wouldn't be able to destroy it. Hell had nowhere to go, and my only real choice was to go through hell.

 

The shade of Aphion had his own tirade, and a few peanut butter cookies later he turned out to be a pretty good smashable, filled with trophies and bonedust, I for some reason had no qualms with grabbing up and stuffing into my pockets. Resisting the urge to destroy the overhead torches, I finally complete my directive to find Persephone: here she was on a floor throne beneath the platform throne of Hades.

 

I guess because I had chosen to go down to the underworld voluntarily and hadn't eaten any of Hades' snacks, I'd be allowed to leave carrying these Seeds of the Goddess Persephone to boot, which as we all know equates to exactly plus forty one hitpoints. When Nikandros is elevated back up to Mount Olympus he casually bumps into Demeter who gives him her sheaf, which combined with the half-year wife seeds of Persephone would make an excellent springtime, as well as an increase in hitpoints gained per food item. i am hopefully right in my theory with hell out of the way and a huge bump in HP the game would have to be a cakewalk.

 

With that said, it's become apparent that whether I smash my way through the smashables or speedswim like the natural prey of fried shrimp, if I'm unfortunate enough to find myself there, I shall remember to simply Get Through Hell.

 

My name is Goldvision, I use the super-spear and slingshot and the burning blade and some arrows. You can get Apotheon on steam and Playstation 4. Good luck out there and don't forget to save.

[Dad]

At first I thought, "funk this is long, TL;DR"?  And then I read it.  Have to say, the picture is well painted, and I got my fair share of laughs.  "Getting hell out of the way".  Don't we all wanna get through hell and onto the promised land?  This was fun.