Is this a good openning scene?

[Atomix]

Just a little thing, is this any good for an openning scene, I'm still making it but if you have any suggestions please say so,

 

Trillions of years ago, when the Earth didn’t exist, there was another planet. Human Life began on this planet, not Earth. The planet Zanto II was in a different universe, a planet filled with oxygen, and an enormous atmosphere that wasn’t polluted. Other life made this planet, the Zantopions. These great people had extra ordinary powers; to lift things with their mind. That is how they created the mighty high buildings. When Humans began to move in, disaster soon followed. As every human needed fuel to survive, the air began to grow thick. In the end the council decided to do a horrible fate, a fate that will change reality. They decided to kill every human on the planet. The Royal Family was part human and didn’t want it to happen. The current king, Zanta had a little boy called Zanta Jr. They had decided to add a new card game to the planet before the war. Zanta Jr created this game and he was incredibly talented with it. He called it Yu-Gi-Oh. In a week, it had spread all the way across the world. Everyone had them. The day of the war finally come.

[EliminateHRN]

Seems good but what is it for?

[Atomix]

A book i'm working on

[EliminateHRN]

Okay cool but where you going to post it in the Fan-Fic section?

[Atomix]

Into the Fan-Fic section

[JesusofChaos™]

Just a little thing' date=' is this any good for an openning scene, I'm still making it but if you have any suggestions please say so,

 

Trillions of years ago, when the Earth didn’t exist, there was another planet. [b']Humans began on this planet[/b], not Earth. The planet Zanto II was in a different universe, a planet filled with oxygen, and a great big atmosphere that wasn’t polluted. Other life made this planet, the Zantopions. These great people had extra ordinary powers, to life things with their mind. That is how they created the mighty high buildings. When Humans began to move in, disaster soon followed. As every human needed fuel to survive, the air began to grow thick. In the end the council decided to do a horrible fate, a fate that will change reality. They had decided to kill every human on the planet. The Royal Family was part human and didn’t want it to happen. The current king, Zanta had a little boy called Zanta Jr. They had decided to add a new card game to the planet before the war. Zanta Jr created this game and he was incredibly talented with it. He called it Yu-Gi-Oh. In a week, it had spread all the way across the world. Everyone had them. The day of the war finally come.

I have bolded mistakes and bad wording

1) Should read- Human Life began on this planet

2) This is a bad use of adjectives, try and use better adjectives that great big

3) Should be lift (i think) rather than life. Also i think a semi colon works better than a comma here.

4) Dont change tenses in the middle of a paragraph. Should read- They decided to kill every human on the planet.

[Luna Diviner]

It's nice but I hate the use of great big.

Enormous

I dunno use something better.

Well I also want to write a book but if I will ever publish it I don't think it should be allowed to be about Yu-Gi-Oh! 'cause that will be plagarism but meh.

[Atomix]

Thanks Update, there isn't going to be an enormous amount of Yugioh, it is also about meeting new friends that didn't like you and Earth's past, etc

[JesusofChaos™]

dont put huge enormous just stick with enormous

[Atomix]

thanks, update again

[JesusofChaos™]

it should be AN enormous to be grammaticly correct

[Atomix]

it is *_*

[RiffMaster Alex]

changing tenses, specify moar, doesn't make much sense. Bad sentence structure especially for the start of a book...lulz

[Silencerleader]

Grammatical errors.

For Example...last sentence...

-The day of the war finally come.-

 

Its either

-The day of the war finally came.-

or

-The day of war finally came.-

or

-The dawn of war had begun (began).-

 

-Just Trying to help-

-Silencerleader-

[Atomix]

Thanks