Jump to content

[[PD]]: YGO; The Beginning of the End; All Episodes will be rewritten [COMING SOON]

Purple Dinosaur

By Purple Dinosaur
in Creative Writing

Recommended Posts

  • 2 weeks later...
Purple Dinosaur Newbie

Purple Dinosaur

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I've already read this! But I haven't seen the new episode :)

My thoughts:

Awesome engaging storyline

Very enjoyable duels

Not enough emotion in the first chapter' date=' he get over the death of his friends a bit too easily (only my opinion :))

 

Soo that comes down to a 9.9/10 !!

[/quote']

 

Thank you sooo much!

 

:D

 

-PD

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest Ixigo

Guest Ixigo

Posted
Posted

Eh.

 

This really is... anti-climactic. I mean, everything just... happens. There's no build-up, no suspense, nothing. I mean, "He was walking towards the observatory. Then the plane carrying his friends exploded and they all died. Kthksbai."

 

This could really have been written differently. Sort of like:

 

"Andrix was walking towards the observatory. He dragged his steps, reminiscing on all the happy moments he had had with his friends. He looked up, partly sad, partly happy for them. The plane was slowly taking off...

 

Andrix stopped. What was that? Something, just in the corner of his mind... no, it must be imagination. He moved on, but couldn't shake off that uneasy feeling. It's just that they all left so suddenly, he kept telling himself. Stop being paranoid.

 

No sooner had he entered the large spire, though, than a hollow boom echoed like a comet crash, and everything was covered in blinding light. He fell on his back, covering his ears and eyes to protect them from the pandaemonium. What...?

 

He heard screaming. He slowly pushed himself up, vision and hearing coming back to him as he walked towards the windows, now cracked. Understanding hit him with the force of a thunderbolt. Where the plane that was carrying his friends had been, now was... nothing. Nothing except a huge cloud of flames, and some debris on the ground below. He sagged on his knees."

 

A much better build-up, and longer, too. You don't have to rush through everything. You have to view things from a reader POV. Though they may happen in a matter of seconds in real life, in a story, you have to take your time to narrate them, construct emotion and description so that the reader really feels like he's there.

 

The same principle applies to many scenes in the story that could've been handled differently. Most notably -

 

Andrix: "Oh my, I lost my good friends, I no longer have a reason to live... I mean, duel. I give up dueling."

 

Random people in the park: "NO DON'T!!"

 

Andrix: "Ok."

 

Seriously, that's how it all happened. In the space of a chapter, Andrix lost his friends, gave up on dueling, got over it, started dueling again, and beat an opponent, all because of some pep-talk from someone he didn't even know beforehand. Seriously.

 

That's the only major problem with this fanfic. Another problem would be the random tense shifts, which make it unneccessarily difficult to keep track of everything that's happening, and make for a tiresome read. The duels could be handled better, with more information on each card etc, so that a reader who doesn't really follow the cards and all like me can understand things better without having to look up everything. In here, too, everything happens in a rush. Take your time with description, add a few lines here and there conveying feeling and emotion, and you'll be doing much better.

 

That said, you're doing a very good job on all the basic aspects of writing. Your grammar and vocabulary are above average, your syntax adequate if not quite perfect, and the plot is decent, although rushed. I did enjoy reading this, although it was a little difficult to follow it. Keep it up, and if you try to work on what I said, you'll be doing much better before you know it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Purple Dinosaur Newbie

Purple Dinosaur

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Eh.

 

This really is... anti-climactic. I mean' date=' everything just... happens. There's no build-up, no suspense, nothing. I mean, "He was walking towards the observatory. Then the plane carrying his friends exploded and they all died. Kthksbai."

 

This could really have been written differently. Sort of like:

 

"Andrix was walking towards the observatory. He dragged his steps, reminiscing on all the happy moments he had had with his friends. He looked up, partly sad, partly happy for them. The plane was slowly taking off...

 

Andrix stopped. What was that? Something, just in the corner of his mind... no, it must be imagination. He moved on, but couldn't shake off that uneasy feeling. [i']It's just that they all left so suddenly[/i], he kept telling himself. Stop being paranoid.

 

No sooner had he entered the large spire, though, than a hollow boom echoed like a comet crash, and everything was covered in blinding light. He fell on his back, covering his ears and eyes to protect them from the pandaemonium. What...?

 

He heard screaming. He slowly pushed himself up, vision and hearing coming back to him as he walked towards the windows, now cracked. Understanding hit him with the force of a thunderbolt. Where the plane that was carrying his friends had been, now was... nothing. Nothing except a huge cloud of flames, and some debris on the ground below. He sagged on his knees."

 

A much better build-up, and longer, too. You don't have to rush through everything. You have to view things from a reader POV. Though they may happen in a matter of seconds in real life, in a story, you have to take your time to narrate them, construct emotion and description so that the reader really feels like he's there.

 

The same principle applies to many scenes in the story that could've been handled differently. Most notably -

 

Andrix: "Oh my, I lost my good friends, I no longer have a reason to live... I mean, duel. I give up dueling."

 

Random people in the park: "NO DON'T!!"

 

Andrix: "Ok."

 

Seriously, that's how it all happened. In the space of a chapter, Andrix lost his friends, gave up on dueling, got over it, started dueling again, and beat an opponent, all because of some pep-talk from someone he didn't even know beforehand. Seriously.

 

That's the only major problem with this fanfic. Another problem would be the random tense shifts, which make it unneccessarily difficult to keep track of everything that's happening, and make for a tiresome read. The duels could be handled better, with more information on each card etc, so that a reader who doesn't really follow the cards and all like me can understand things better without having to look up everything. In here, too, everything happens in a rush. Take your time with description, add a few lines here and there conveying feeling and emotion, and you'll be doing much better.

 

That said, you're doing a very good job on all the basic aspects of writing. Your grammar and vocabulary are above average, your syntax adequate if not quite perfect, and the plot is decent, although rushed. I did enjoy reading this, although it was a little difficult to follow it. Keep it up, and if you try to work on what I said, you'll be doing much better before you know it.

 

 

 

Well i'll take it all into consideration for the next Episode and hopefully it will improve then.

 

Thanks for your time :)

 

-PD

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...