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42 Beats to Death (PG-13)

Azmania2260

By Azmania2260
in Creative Writing

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Azmania2260

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We have now moved to our second chapter. In the last chapter, we met a young man named Ryan Noble, our story's protagonist. In a heated duel between him and a member of the Haters, Ryan won the duel easy, but he could not save his mother. Ryan now realizes he lives in a world of hate and destruction.

 

Read further!

 

Chapter 2

 

Inquiry of Destiny

 

 

Is destiny really a set path for us, is it an excuse for God's accidents?

 

Ryan was asking himself this question right this moment. Was it destiny that his mother was to die cruelly like this, or was it an accident, but God just sent down a message saying it was destiny? Whatever it was, he knew his mother would never return. He looked her cold, dead body with a growing anger and destruction. A flame had ignited in his heart and it would not go until revenge were to be taken. But still then, he knew that there would still be a hunger in his heart.

 

He decided to leave his mother's body there, let the funked up society and government deal with this sheet. He had nothing to do with it.

 

All he wanted was pure venegance.

 

He decided to walk back home, but he remembered he had called the police before leaving for the park. They would be there. He neither had the will power or guts to deal with them. Instead, he walked towards the highway, he was going to leave this town. He knew there was no one left to comfort him. Perhaps he could be adopted by some people in a different place. As he walked, he found abandoned bicycle and it was good shape. Then he rembered it was the Haters. They must have forgotten it. He took the bicycle, and started cycling towards the highway. It was now late night, and the highway would be empty.

 

As he got on to the highway, a truck passed by and on the back it said, 'FOLLOW THIS TRUCK, RYAN'. Curiousty kills the cat, but Ryan followed anyway. He had a feeling that a Hater may have set this up. But he was prepared. Neatly tucked in his back pocket, a pistol. The Hater left an expensive weapon ready for him. Bad mistake. He followed the truck to a quiet, barren industrial area, in a warehouse. The truck stopped, and he mounted off his bike. Slowly, ever so slowly, a shadow stepped out of the truck. He was a tall man, well-built. Ryan kept his hand in his back pocket. He was ready to shoot.

 

Figure: Ryan?

 

The figure the same voice as Ryan's father. He remembered his voice.

 

Ryan: Dad?

 

Ryan put his hand to his side and walked towards the figure. Suddenly, everything shone brightly, and Ryan was blinded. He fell maliciously to the ground.

 

When Ryan woke up, he was in a dark cave, surrounded by what seemed a wall of skulls. Then the figure returned.

 

Figure: I've finally found you Ryan. All those years I waited, and waited, and I found you.

Ryan: Who the funk are you?

 

Suddenly, everything went black again. However, this time Ryan was in another world. It must have been a dream, but Ryan was not sure. He saw himself, aged 5. A little boy was playing with him. The boy's name was Eric. He was playing Yu-Gi-Oh! with him. Eric had summoned a powerful monster called 'Destiny Returner'. It was an awesome card. Eric used it's effect and won the duel. Then suddenly, he disappeared. Ryan never saw him again.

 

Ryan was now in the cave again. Eric was looking at him. He was now the same age as Ryan.

 

Eric: Do you remember me now?

Ryan: Yes. Where the hell had you gone?

Eric: Listen, we don't have time. Take this card, and run. Run very far. Run away. The Haters will be after you. They will find and kill you. As soon as you have reached the destination, the card will shine. I'll speak to you then.

 

He vanished again.

 

Ryan had a zillion more questions, all unanswered. Ryan had no clue where to go, but he was sure, he would reach his destination.

 

The destination that destiny will take him to.

But will the route be an accident, was it chosen for him?

 

He looked at the card. It was Destiny Returner.

 

Destiny had returned to him.

 

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Umbra Newbie

Umbra

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Cons:

- Your duel description is INCREDIBLY static. It feels like you're just reading a log, which it shouldn't feel like. Let your characters do something, maybe toss a sarcastic comment at each other or one of the other Haters threaten the mother during the duel.

 

- I think you messed up during the duel. Literally, the Dark Magician's attack. 5000 + 2300? Where did the extra twenty-threehundred damage come from? ATK is subtracted when you calculate damage, not added.

 

- One particular line in the plot seems very unlikely. I recite: "He came 2nd in the last World Championship, so beating this Hater was no problem." A poor kid that barely manages to get a hold of some cards gets to Worlds? And finishes second on top of that? Make it realistic.

 

Pros:

 

+ The starting lines built up an interesting plot in my head, lots of emotions and thoughts. I don't really know what it is, but I like it.

 

There's potential, I'll give you that. But the above mentioned cons really put the feeling down, ruining some of that unique atmosphere you built up at the start.

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