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Des Duel good rep for critique

Hobbes96

By Hobbes96
in Creative Writing

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Hobbes96 Newbie

Hobbes96

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i guess i just wrote this to compete with chaotix, but i will give it my all. i will try to write a chapter every saturday.

chapter one:

"Blue Eyes White Dragon attack directly!"

"Crap!" He shouted losing the tournament finals.

the raven haired boy walked out of the duel stadium dodging boos and trash thrown by the audience.

"Im sick of this!" he shouted looking at his light deck.

"eat trash little punk!" shouted an onlooker.

"shut up and leave me alone." said the raven haired boy.

"eat my --." the onlooker's sentence was interrupted by a deck box thrown by the raven haired boy.

"That's for the insult." said the boy."and this is for keeps!" yelled the boy throwing his deck at the onlooker.

The boy ran to his D-wheel. he jumped on and turned it on. he remembered that he didnt have his deck.

"crap!" he yelled but noticed a card and silenced himself.

he bent down and picked up the card.

"hmmph" he said.

 

 

please rate and give suggestions.

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Hobbes96 Newbie

Hobbes96

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Its saturday so here is the first full chapter.

chapter 2:

"Lets finish this! Death Dragon attack!"shouted Karasu Abumi."You can't beat the King of Duels!"

 

"Oh No!" said the raven-haired boy's opponent sarcasticly."Magic Cylinders, Activate! You are finished.!"

 

The smoke started clearing. The whole crowd was astir. Had their king been defeated?

 

"Trap card activate! Trap Jammer negates your magic Cylinders, there fore, I win.

 

" Another perfect victory by Karasu Abumi. Just three months ago, he couldn't even duel," an anouncer cried out ." Behold the King of Duels!"

Two days later

" I still haven't added this card to my deck," thought Karasu to himself looking down at the card he had found almost three months ago."This card is insanely powerful. "

Karasu placed the card face down on his deck.

"Oh what hasn't been revealed."Karasu broke out in cold unatural laugh.

"with this card, no one will stand up to me."

The roar of a D-wheel broke Karasu's train of thought.

The D-wheel' roar stopped outside of Karasu's room.

"Hey Karasu! Duel Me!"

Karasu looked out his window.

"You!"

 

 

Hope you enjoyed the show.please rate.

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Hobbes96 Newbie

Hobbes96

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the first chapters are pretty short. I don't have any patience.

I'll go ahead and write the third chapter.

Chapter Three:

"I know you ya freak!" Karasu shouted out as he reconized 'Death Black', his

 

evil genius who had defeated him before Karasu had found his card.

 

"Speed World, Activate!"Shouted Black.

 

Karasu strode to his D-wheel.

 

" Speed World, Activate."

 

The Two D-wheels roared to life and hit the streets of Neo-Domino City.

 

"I start this Black! I gain one Speed Counter and I'll activate

 

Speed Spell-

 

Reverse Speed," Karasu yelled over the wind and the roar of the

 

d-wheels.

 

" With this card, I can activate one Non-Speed Spell card. I will set one

 

spell card. I'll summon one Krebons

 

" I'll summon one Gellenduo and attack your Krebons."

 

" I activate Krebon's effect. I pay 800 life points to

 

negate your attack."

 

Karasu:3200

 

Black:4000

 

" To you managed to save your monster. So what?" said Black. "I'll set a

 

Trap card and end my turn."

 

"My turn. I gain one speed counter. I will activate my

 

set.Death Note". I select one monster on the field.

 

I select Gellenduo.That card is Destroyed.

 

"uh Crap!"shouted Black

 

"Now I activate Speed-Spell Double Summon I will

 

SummonPsychic Commander. Now I Tribute

 

Krebons to summonArmed Dragon

 

LV 5 . I will Synchro Summon Godzilla.

 

"I attack you directly."

 

Karasu:3200

 

Black:1000

 

"Now I activate Speed-Spell De-Synchro. I can

 

Special Summon one of the materials I used for the Synchro Summon by

 

tributing the Synchro monster. I Special summon Armed

 

Dragon LV 5 and attack you directly.

 

Karasu:3200

 

Black:0000

 

"Well what do you know? I win," said Karasu wheeling his D-wheel to a stop.

 

"Game Over".

 

 

I think this chapter is a bit longer. Please rate.[/color]

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Hobbes96 Newbie

Hobbes96

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well here it is.hot off the press.

[spoiler=Chapter 4]

Karasu woke to the ringing of his Alarm clock.

 

"6:30...Saturday.Oh well."

 

Karasu sat up and looked around. He grabbed his Deck box off of his bed stand and

 

opened it.

 

"Interesting duel last night."

 

He Rolled off of his bed, put his deckbox in his pocket, and walked outside.The sun

 

was shining brightly. He jumped on to his D-Wheel and rode towards the market

 

place.

 

 

The Market square was less crowded than usual,which was a good thing for Karasu

 

as it meant less fans pestering him to sign their deck boxes.

 

He walked over to a kiosk and picked up a copy of Weekly Shonen Jump.

 

"Includes Free Exclusive Card Inside",read the front cover.

 

Karasu paid the 200 Yen for the issue and sat down and opened the copy of Shonen

 

Jump. He flipped to the free card section and looked down at the card.

 

"I guess it will help my deck. After all, I only have one card in my Extra Deck."

 

The card was a card obviously based on the popular movies, Godzila.

 

Space Godzilla

 

The card wasn't bad at all, and it would help him later. Karasu placed the card in

 

his deck box.

 

"With this and Death Note, My opponent will lose like-"

 

His sentence was interrupted by a kid asking him a question.

 

"Karasu Abumi? Cool. Could you sign my deck box?"

 

"Sure...What is your name?"

 

"Kogure Takahate. You are really cool."

 

Kogure looked about 12 years old.

 

"You must follow dueling as you know my name."

 

"Of course I know the name of my king.''

 

''Ha.I don't think I should be your king, but if you are certain, I will treat you to

 

breakfast"

 

"Really!?Sweet!"Kogure rather shouted as he put his deck box in his pocket."Oh and

 

have seen the new Dark Synchro that was in Shonen Jump?It was based on your

 

king card.

 

"Yeah. I actually have it with me now. you can have it if you want."

 

"No thanks. I have three of those anyways."

 

"Well at this hour of the morning, I doubt you have had breakfast so as I have said,

 

I will teat you. I haven't had anything either.What do you want to eat?"

 

"Sorry I already ate, but thanks anyways," said Kogure.

 

"OK then,"said Karasu walking to one of the kiosk."Two Rice cakes please. One of

 

them a large and both of them red bean paste flavor.

 

"Coming right up," said the worker of the kiosk.

 

"And while you are at it, I will take ten of the Evolutionary Assult pack if you have

 

them in stock."

 

"Yes sir. that will be 2400 ¥.

 

Karasu paid the approximate 25$ and walked back over to Kogure.

 

"Here is a treat anyways, Kogure.''

 

"Wow thanks Mr. Abumi," said Kogure opening the rice cake and stuffing it into his

 

mouth."Ift gwoo.[it's good]"

 

"Any day," said Karasu taking a bite of his rice cake."Wanna help me open these

 

booster packs?"

 

Karasu opened the first pack.

 

"Sweet.Cover card on first pull."

 

He held up the pack.

 

"Why is it greeen?"asked Kogure.

 

"It is an Evolution monster. Didn't you read this weeks SJ?''

 

"Um No,"said Kogure opening the second pack."Nothing to good."

 

"Here is another holo.Link Beast.Another Evolution

 

Monster."

 

They finally finished opening the packs and went their ways for the rest of the

 

week.And then a month.And then 2 months.

 

Kogure Takahate didn't dissappear forever though.

 

 

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter.

Also, Special thanks to Chaotix and his Evolution monsters, which I used in this chapter.He is allowed to use the card I mentioned that came from Evolutionary Assult but hasn't been made yet.

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Hobbes96 Newbie

Hobbes96

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[spoiler=Chapter 5]

"Spirit Key"

 

Karasu had heard that word before.Where?

 

Spirit Key...Spirit Key...

 

"I know I have heard it before."

 

Karasu strode around. He picked up a dictionary from a pile of junk.

 

"Spi...Spirit...Spirit Ring.YES!Definition:object in Japenese mythology.Said to grant

 

Immortal life."

 

Karasu paused. What had made him think of the words "Spirit Key"?

 

He pushed that thought away and walked outside.He had a tournament final to go to

 

that night.

 

He rummaged in his pocket and drew out his deck box.

 

"I don't even have to use my card,"He thought to himself taking off the top card of

 

his deck."I don't even need this deck."He placed the deck back in his pocket.

 

He walked back in side and picked up a tin of cards labeled "A".

 

He shuffled through the cards and picked up several Arcana monsters.

 

*************6 hours later************

 

"I activate light barrier and Summon Arcana Force 1-The magician

 

I activate Double Summon to Tribute my

 

Zoma the Spirit and my Magician to summon

 

Arcana force X.Now I activate Creature

 

Swap and I will surrendur to you my X force.

 

I now will equip your monster withAxe of Despair.

 

The finale...I activate Misfortune

 

 

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SliferMigi Newbie

SliferMigi

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I know this topic is a few days stale and it has more posts than mine does, but I think I should give you some pointers.

 

I only read the first Chapter, so i don't know how it developed, but I have to admite, it wasn't too good. Heres my advice:

 

-Use moar description! Make it more exciting and more people will like it.

Ex.

"Blue Eyes White Dragon attack directly!"

"Crap!" He shouted losing the tournament finals.

 

Becomes...

 

The shimmering, blue-white Dragon rose above the boy, it's eyes creased in an eternal glare, it's mouth clenched, teeth bared, in an everlasting snarl.

"Blue-Eyes White Dragon!" Came a shout from accross the field, "Burst Stream of Destruction!"

A glare fileld teh boys vision, a white light that made his skin tingle.

Silence ensued.

The raven haired boy slumped to his knees, as the crowd cheered and his life pOints trickled down to 0.

 

See? Alot more interesting, me thinks.

 

-Don't repaet the same thing over and ver and over and over and over again.

I swear to god you said Raven haired boy about 3-4 times in that short paragraph.

 

I'd give more but my minds suddenly gone blank. Probly from all that descriptive writing :P

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