Hobbes96 Posted October 13, 2008 Report Share Posted October 13, 2008 for halloween i will do a one chapter but if you guys say it is good enough, i might do more.here it is.chapter one.years of research had led her to this. the eerie mine shaft had an almost evil glow from behind it.Marie kicked down the wall boarding up the mine shaft. the mine shaft wasn't lit by torches but by flouresant lights. plastic trash bags hung from the ceiling. Marie could easily tell their contents...heads.human heads. the mine shaft was stangely warm compared to the october night. she stepped back rather creeped out not watching were she was stepping. a trip wire trap went off collapsing the floor right behind her. if she had come the from the other side would have know doubt died. or killed. she froze. she heard screaming then silence. Marie walked towards the dark side of the mine shaft forgetting about the black box she was searching for. the darkness wasn't normal. it was to quiet and to dark. maybe to warm and not natural. Marie turned a corner into an evil light. Bodies were chained up on walls. Marie wasn't afraid of bodies but these weren't just bodies. They were still moaning and dripping blood. this is the first half. i will post next tomorrow[/php] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB72 Posted October 14, 2008 Report Share Posted October 14, 2008 You didn't capitalize at alllll. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShadowshadeNecroPower Posted October 14, 2008 Report Share Posted October 14, 2008 That was... uh??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pitchblack64 Posted October 14, 2008 Report Share Posted October 14, 2008 the story was extremly bloody yet written amazingly, nice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mutant Monster RAEG-HAPYP Posted October 14, 2008 Report Share Posted October 14, 2008 It's meh....have Kale rate this as he'll give you good advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted October 14, 2008 Report Share Posted October 14, 2008 It's meh....have Kale rate this as he'll give you good advice aww... thanks man! im glad you think so. ;) For the fic: you are at a good start' date=' you just need to learn to describe a bit more. i couldnt understand half the things that were going on because you skipped from idea to idea too quick. :| also, try not to double paragraph the fic. it makes it annoying to read.... interesting though. ^_^ not sure what the overall point of it is, but i will read the second half. Rating so far: ☆☆ [may be increased if the second half it better. ;)'] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Welche Posted October 15, 2008 Report Share Posted October 15, 2008 For the actual text, as in wording ☆☆☆/☆☆☆☆☆ But I want to have caps and a second half so for now ☆☆/☆☆☆☆☆ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hobbes96 Posted October 15, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2008 sorry.if anyone wants it, you can have it. just finish it please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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