Chaos Impact™ Posted December 20, 2008 Report Share Posted December 20, 2008 Welcome To Yugioh ancient legacy! Yussei Fudo's adventure has finished and five years have passed, the D-wheel system is at it's all time high. Almost everyone has one except some.... [spoiler= [u]Story Info[/u] "Click to view"]This story follows a young boy named lance, who lives on the streets of neo domino city. He makes a living of dueling for rare cards and sells them to make money. While most young duelists he meets have D-wheels he duels with a old duel disk from the tornament battle city he soon stops people laugthing at him after he crushes them with his gladiator beast deck. [spoiler=[b]Characters [/b] "Click To View"][spoiler= [b]Lance[/b] "Click To View"]Name: Lance HarrisAge: 14Deck: Gladiator Areana ControlFav Card: Gladiator Beast BestariBio: When his parents died in a D-Wheel accident when he was 10 he was left as an orphan, he ran away from his foster home with just his deck and all the money he could find and set out into the city. He loved to duel and soon met a older boy named Gio who taught him how to survive through anti duels. Gio was arrested later on that year which left lance alone with just a deck and a old duel disk. He enters tornements but is allways beated in a final by some spoilt rich kid who can afford to but super strong cards into thier decks. He has won some but the prize money is not enough to last him thoughout a year. He has never lost a anti duel and is revered around the streets. [spoiler= [u]Deck Lists[/u] "Click To View"][spolier= Lance's Colleseum Control "Click To View"]Monsters 20GB Bestari x3GB Luqari x2GB Murmillo x1GB Alexander x 2GB Octavious x 1GB Hoplomas x2GB Equeste x2Test Tiger x 3Neo Spacian Grand Mole x 1Elemental Hero Prisma x 1Sangan x 1Behemoth The King Of All Animals x1 Spells 13Cold Waves x 3Colosseum - Cage of the Gladiator Beasts x1Wild Nature Release x1Shrink x1Gladiator Beast's Battle Manica x2Gladiator Beast's Battle Halberd x2Gladiator Proving Ground x2Mystical Space Typhoon x1 Traps 6Ultimate Offering x2Mirror Force x1Wabaku x1Gladiator War Chariot x 2 [spoiler= [u]Episode Quide[/u] "Click To view"]Episode 1- Losing Control pt 1 Rememeber to watch out for new info posted and episodes. UPDATESEpisode 1 shall be posted on the 21-12-08! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted December 20, 2008 Report Share Posted December 20, 2008 1. IMPROVE YOUR CONVENTIONS.2. GB Alexander and Behmoth are very pro.3. Lack of fanfic = spam. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted December 20, 2008 Report Share Posted December 20, 2008 Locked until a fanfic is posted. When you're ready to post the first chapter, PM me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaos Impact™ Posted December 21, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 21, 2008 Prolougue- Losing Control Part 1 The sun shone in the sky as the clouds parted and a beam of golden light filled the room like liquid. A man stood looking at the horizon of sky scrapers, his back stiffened and slowly turned away from the window and entered a lift in the middle of the old vintage 20st century style office. He entered a room with a giant computer screen with many different camera angles of the same motorway, there where continuous flashes of colour streaking across the roads thease where infact D-Wheels which had become more than just Duel Monster dueling systems they had become a household objects. He stepped out of the lift and stood behing a man with a headset he tapped him on the shoulder and he stood up sharply he looked considerbly taller than the man but he had a hunch which made him alot smaller, Professor: The system is up and working sir, when should we activate it? Man: Now the noon rush hour is a good time to test it. It should boost some publicity. Professor: Right away sir, how many should we activate? Man: 20 should be enough. The proffessor turned and flicked a switch. Both the mens eyes quickly looked up to the screen, suddenly 2 D-Wheels from different lanes span out of control they crashed into others which caused a major pile up and explosions. Proffessor: They system worked perfectly sir. Man: Excellent, send me the reports to my office, i'm leaving. He entered the lift and went up the way he came, there where still flashes of the explosions as he left... He sat down looking at the card sparkle in his hands, he looked up and another boy who was running away with tears in his eyes. It was a rare card which could get him food for rest of the day, he was pleased with himself that he had got food for the rest of the day so early. But he studied the card, it was a gladiator beast which he didn't have.... He read the name aloud, Lance: Gladiator Beast Gyzarus. It would work in his deck, he thought and it wasn't normal that he got a card from a ante duel that he wanted. Normally he would win take the card and sell it to buy food. But this one was different... He put it in his deck and set off to go find another victim. After a while he reached the main city, considering he's lived on the street for over 3 years he blended easily into the crowd of people, his blond hair and skinny body didn't look out of place in the city. He walked along the sidewalk until he reached a tv shop. 20 different sets all had the same channel on, they all had a breaking news story about two D-Wheel accidents which had caused four deaths. He watched the rest and frowned, he hated D-Wheels and this was why... Suddenly he saw something flash in the reflection of the window, a boy was outside the local card shop and opening a card pack. The flash had to be a rare card by the way the boys face lit up, he noticed a deck too. Lance: Target sited. To Be Continued... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted December 21, 2008 Report Share Posted December 21, 2008 Several words are spelled wrong, and run-on sentences are rampant. I'd say the errors are enough to hinder comprehension, so be sure to work on your sentence organization ASAP. The plot, however, is actually promising; I'm surprised at how well it's working thus far. Unfortunately, only the prologue has been released, so I am skeptical as to its eventual productivity. Just be sure to keep the plot original, and get those sentences organized properly, and I think I'll actually enjoy this fic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaos Impact™ Posted December 22, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 22, 2008 Thanks, i'll work on the grammer but at the moment i'm concentrating on the plot so you might see some mistakes but i'll check in the future Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Well, you can ignore the spelling so long as your sentences are organized properly. Those run-on sentences can be devils to read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaos Impact™ Posted December 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 (By the way this isn't the second part of the prologue it's like the first chapter but it sorta continues straight from the end of it so i've kept the name) Chapter 1- Losing Control Part 2Chapter 1- Losing Control Part 2 Lance crossed the street, his brained fizzed with activity as he tried to come up with a convesation starter. He walked over to him and tried to act inoccent but couldn't help his eyes quickly dart to the holographic card in the boys hands. Lance: Hey, little kid do you know if they sell duel monsters cards in this shop? Little Boy: Yeah they do, i just bought some. Look here. The little boy was wrapped up well, even though it was the autum he had a thick coat and cloves on. He held up the cards closer to Lance's face, he could just get a climpse of the cards name. Lance: Wow Judgement Dragon, thats a quite rare card you got there. May i refresh my mind of it's effect? Little Boy: O.K, just give it back when you've finished. Lance couldn't believe his luck, the kid was basically giving him the card! As soon as it left the boy's gloves he ran. He sprinted down the street hoping he wasn't fast, the boy gave chase but wasn't fast enough but he was keeping up. He knew what to do, he'd done this before. He found the nearest allyway and hid bhind a dumpster. It was a dead end so he could let him walk to the end and then he could escape. He crouched down and watched a pair of feet walk very slowly past him to the end of the ally. Lance jumped out a made a run for the end of it, just as he got near the end a boy walked out. He was about his age and had a duel disk attached to his arm with a loaded deck, Other Boy: Did you steal that boy's card? The boy pointed over lances shoulder to see the little boy in tears behind him. He was stuck. Lance: Is it your buisness to know? Other Boy: I make it my buisness to stop thiefs like you. Lance started to think, he had to get out of here. Suddenly his train of though was broken by the little boy's voice. Little boy: When i couldn't catch you up i called for help and this boy came to help. Other Boy: Give me the card you stole. Lance: No! Little Boy: I'll duel you for it. Other Boy: No, don't Eddie. I've heard about this guy he's strong, i'll get your card back don't worry. Eddie: Thank you kind boy, what was your name again? Other Boy: It's Darren, Darren Bonds. Lance: O.K, Darren i'll duel you are you fimiliar with ante duels? Darren: Yes, i am fimiliar. Now lets duel! They both loaded thier decks, and activated thier duel disks. Lance noticed that Darren's disk was modern, as they both did this Eddie stood back in amasement. [align=center]DuelDarren- 4000Lance- 4000[/align] Darren: I'll go first and summon Six Samurai Zanji in attack position, and activate the spell A forces! This raises all of my warrior monsters attack by 200. Lance: Yes i know all about Six Samurai Decks, i've battled one or two during my time on the street. Have you Finished? Darren: Do remember any of the duelists who use six samurai decks? And yes i end my turn. Lance: I tend not to watch the faces of duelists i crush. And stop with the questions i want to duel, i place one monster face down and set two cards and end my turn. Darren: Well you should pay more attention to your first ante duel opponent. Lance: What!? Darren: It must have been 3 years ago, i was walking home and you challenged me to a ante duel. I was using this deck but i had one extra card. Enishi, Shien's Chancellor it was my rarest and best card, and you defeated me and took it. Lance: But that is what happens at the end of an ante duel you take the losers rarest card. Darren: I don't care about that but this is my golden oppotunity for revenge. I summon Six Samurai Irou and use Irou to attack your face down monster! Lance: My face down is Gladiator Beast Hoplomus and his deffence is 200 points higher than your irou's attack! And to make things worst i activate Mystical Space Typhoon to destroy your A forces to make the difference 400! [align=center]Darren- 3600Lance- 4000[/align] Darren: I'm going to attack your monster again with my Zanji! Lance: Why Would you do that it's still higher! Darren: After Zanji attacks a monster it's destroyed anyway at the end of the battle phase! I'll end my turn. [align=center]Darren- 3300Lance- 4000[/align] Lance: I remember well the tricky effects of Six Samurai, i summon Laquari and choose it to attack your Irou! [align=center]Darren- 3200Lance- 4000[/align] Lance: The effect of my gladiator beast and return Luquari to my deck to special summon Gladiator Beast Dimacari. I set one card and end my turn. Darren: I summon Yaichi and use it's effect to destroy your set spell or trap card. Lance: You choose my face down Mirror Force, good move. Are you going to attack me then? Darren: Well if your that eager to be defeated, go Zanji attack his gladiator beast. After that go Yaichi attack him dirrectly! [align=center]Darren- 3200Lance- 2400[/align] Lance: Enough with the soft stuff i'm going all out to defeat you! I summon dimcari, and then activate my remaining face down trap card! Ultimate Offering. I use it's effect to special summon Bestari. I use Dimcari's effect to attack twice but since your other monster is higher i'll attack your Yaichi. [align=center]Darren- 2900Lance- 1900[/align] Lance: I can now return dimcari to my deck to special summon Gladaitor Beast Alexander! And after that i'll set a trap and end my turn. Darren: Things are about to get worse for you i summon another Zanji. And now i use both of thier effects to attack your monsters i may loose 1 zanji but i'll destroy both of your monsters. [align=center]Darren- 2300Lance- 1600[/align] Lance: I'm gonna have to use my ultimate offering to summon two monsters from my hand and i choose Bestari and Murmillo! And return them both to fusion summon my new monster Gyzarus. His effect lets me destroy two cards on the field and i choose your Zanji! Now i attack you directly! [align=center]Darren- 0000Lance- 0600[/align] Darren: No! I can't loose i can't afford to lose any more cards! Lance: I'm gonna be nice and not take your card, and i'm going to leave like nothing happened. Goodbye Lance left. Darren walked over to Eddie who was holding something, it was Judgement Dragon! Darren: Did he leave that? Eddie: Yes i think so... Darren: thats weird, first the road accident now this... Next TimeLance finally reveals his past... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Uh, it just got a lot worse. First off, your sentence structure is still horrible. It's virtually illegible in places, and if it isn't fixed — quickly — this fic is going to be awful. Secondly, the duel was terrible. You return the monsters to the Deck to Summon Gyzarus, and that was just the start of things. Despite the fact that Darren went first, Lance managed to produce two face-downs from nowhere, one of which was an awful card anyway. Darren also cheated; as Yami Yugi repeatedly demands, "Wait a minute. Did you just Summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?" Considering Lance pulled off a miraculous OTK, the duel was incredibly dense in plot holes. Not even your ever more promising plot could fix these egregious errors, and at the moment, my opinion of this fic is turning sour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaos Impact™ Posted December 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2008 I've edited the duel to make it better and longer but i've tried to work on the sentance structure but i seem to make it worse everytime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted December 24, 2008 Report Share Posted December 24, 2008 Recommendation. The new Duel is much better. However, the facts remain that a) Alexander and Dimacari are horrible cards and b) that was nothing if not a miracle victory. Still, you are willing to improve, which makes your fic a lot better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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