JG. Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Hello, and welcome to my newest Fan-Fiction! I hope you will take some time to read it and maybe help me get ideas:D Even though I have a pretty good idea of how the entire FanFic is going to go, I am open to ideas. Anyways, enjoy! [spoiler=Character Profiles][spoiler=The Main Character][spoiler=Zeta Karai]Name: Zeta KaraiAge: 16Gender: MaleAppearance: Short Black hair, but still long enough to sway when in the wind. He has brown eyes, and usually wears a White T-Shirt with a Black Leather jacket to wear if it gets too cold. His preferred choice of trousers is a pair of Dark Blue jeans.Personality: He’s the adventurous type, always doing almost anything it takes to get an adrenalin rush. He’s very reluctant to fight, and will only do it to protect those that he cares about. He is without a doubt the best duelist in town. [spoiler=The Main Characters Friends][spoiler=Joe Arra]Name: Joe ArraAge: 15Gender: MaleAppearance: Brown hair down to a bit above his shoulders, Sky-Blue eyes. He wears glasses and usually a Shirt of different colours as he doesn’t really care about colours. He often wears a pair of Dark Gray jeans.Personality: He’s a bit of a geek, the know-it-all. He has become very skilled at duelling over the years, and can almost match up to his best friend and rival, Zeta. He’s usually very cautious, always wanting to think things through before jumping into it. [spoiler=The Story][spoiler=Prologue]“Are you sure that you want to use your Dragon Deck?” Joe asked. “Yes, I’m sure” Zeta told him.“Very well” Joe said “Let’s do this!” Zeta: 8000Joe: 8000 “Let’s duel!” they both shouted. “I’ll start” shouted Zeta as he drew 6 cards “I summon my Luster Dragon, in Attack Mode!” Luster DragonLevel 41900/1600 “I also activate Pot of Greed and draw 2 cards. And that will end my turn for now” he said. “Alright, my turn!” Joe shouted “I draw a card, and summon Twin-Barrel Dragon and activate its effect!” Twin-Barrel DragonLevel 41700/200 Joe flipped two coins. “Damn, only 1 Heads” he said in dismay “Never mind, I’ll place 1 card face-down and end my turn!” Zeta: 8000Joe: 8000 “Ok, it’s my turn again!” Zeta shouted as he drew a card “Alright, I’ll place the card I just drew, Cost Down! It requires that I discard a card from my hand, but never mind” he said as he took Armed Dragon Lv3 from his hand and put it into the Graveyard. “The card reduces the Level of all cards I control and in my hand by 2 until the end of my turn! So now I tribute my Luster Dragon to summon, Red-Eyes Black Dragon!” Red-Eyes Black DragonLevel 72400/2000 “And then I activate Dragons Call! It allows me to Special Summon 2 dragons from my hand. I choose Blue-Eyes White Dragon and Armed Dragon Lv3!” Blue-Eyes White DragonLevel 83000/2500 Armed Dragon Lv3Level 31200/900 “Then I activate the final card in my hand, Shining Soul! It doubles the ATK of one monster I control for this turn, and this turn only! And I choose my Blue-Eyes White Dragon! Blue-Eyes White DragonLevel 83000/2500 > 6000/2500 “And now I attack your Twin-Barrel Dragon with my Blue-Eyes! Blue-Eyes, attack with White Lightning!”A stream of blue light erupted from its mouth and obliterated Twin-Barrel Dragon as Blue-Eyes also whittled away to nothing.“And to finish the duel I attack with my 2 other dragons and reduce your Life Points to 0. I win” Zeta: 8000Joe: 0 “Oh my god you’ve become good with that Dragon Deck. Before, you could hardly duel with it!” Joe said in amazement over his quick defeat. “Yeah, I’ve fine-tuned it a bit in the last few weeks.” Zeta answered. “You can say that again” Joe laughed. “By the way, where were your parents going, I forgot?”“They were going on a luxury travel around the Interplanetary System with the ZXX Stardust. They should be coming home next week.” Meanwhile, on a distant Mothership... “Ok, the ZXX Stardust is now within range, deploy the fighters!” a deep voice said. “Yes, let us start out the invasion by destroying their most treasured ship” a second voice said... Some of the cards in this FanFic are Custom. I will not post them though as their effects will become obvious during the duel they are in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spire Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Hmm...not bad. Though alot of repetition. For example, you've used 'he shouted' and 'he said' quite alot and it gets boring. I recommend you try something different each time and use something like, he acknowledged, he agreed, he ordered, he roared, he revealed. Just experiment. But not only that, I notice that this lacks, description. Remember 'you' may know what's going on but your audience does not. Describe things a bit more, like the characters. We don't know who the hell they are, what they look like or anything at all about them. Well I know it's the Prologue, but still some info about the characters would be nice. Also, how the characters speak. Do they mumble, do they whisper? How are they talking. Also, where is the setting? Where are these two people duleing, you should be a bit more detailed. The intro, sorry to say, wasn't that good. It just starts off as 'Are you sure that you want to use your Dragon Deck?” Joe asked'. Not really, how about starting it with describing the setting, or maybe actually say who these people are, as it is an introdution after all. Be creative with it. Also, what about the duel mosters? They just pop out of no where? Pehaps a better sentence would be when Luster Dragon was summoned for example " a demonic, malicious, vigorous dragon awakened from the obscure abyss roared as it prepared itself battle " Something like that. Yeah, so more description, and maybe a better introduction. The duel was short but it was a Prologue so I can understand. Well it's good and sorry if you feel I have criticized this too much, but I want the best out of you, and I want to help you improve. I can't wait the read the first chapter. I hope I have helped you! ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JG. Posted December 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Thanks Spire! That is probably the best c&c I have gotten in a long time! I know what you're saying, and I know what's wrong, so I mighht fix that in the next Chapters. And you actually do know what the characters look like, read the Profiles. But thanks for the comments, I hope you will enjoy the next chapters when they come out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spire Posted December 23, 2008 Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Thanks Spire! That is probably the best c&c I have gotten in a long time! I know what you're saying' date=' and I know what's wrong, so I mighht fix that in the next Chapters. And you actually do know what the characters look like, read the Profiles. But thanks for the comments, I hope you will enjoy the next chapters when they come out![/quote'] No problem. And I apologise, I didn't see the character profiles =/ Anyway, very nice and I can't wait to read the next chapter. The last two lines were interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JG. Posted December 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 23, 2008 Thanks Spire! That is probably the best c&c I have gotten in a long time! I know what you're saying' date=' and I know what's wrong, so I mighht fix that in the next Chapters. And you actually do know what the characters look like, read the Profiles. But thanks for the comments, I hope you will enjoy the next chapters when they come out![/quote'] No problem. And I apologise, I didn't see the character profiles =/ Anyway, very nice and I can't wait to read the next chapter. The last two lines were interesting. That the whole point of those last 2 lines! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JG. Posted December 25, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 ---bump--- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragnarok1945 Posted December 25, 2008 Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 well done of a duel. Interesting to see Red Eyes and Blue Eyes fight side by side. Most fics I've seen don't do that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JG. Posted December 25, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 well done of a duel. Interesting to see Red Eyes and Blue Eyes fight side by side. Most fics I've seen don't do that 2 of my fave cards, they gotta be in my fanfic! And thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragnarok1945 Posted December 25, 2008 Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 same here, but most fics I've seen usually has them fighting each other, not tag teaming Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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