Arekku_Koro Posted January 4, 2009 Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 Hey. It's Arekku. I have a question. I'm writing a book, and I need to know if this intro is any good. Because if it isnt, no publisher will ever take it seriously. There is intentionally very few details, because the narrator is dying. ---------------------------------------------- When do you know your dead? I wished I was. It would have saved me the trouble of meeting Kai. Blood trickled down my cracked forehead and crawled down the floor like a stream of lead. I was engulfed with fear. I tried to think, I tried to speak. I was gone. I knew it. Samuel Zachary was dead. But I wasn’t. I was screaming. I didn't want to. But I was. And I wasn't going to stop. As I screamed and cried in the musty alley, the border of darkness around my eyes closing in on me, a man approached me in the most suave and secretive manner I had ever seen. I cried out for help and screamed bloody murder, but it did no good. The man stared at me. His eyes were covered by two thick shades that were tinted so dark it seemed like he had no eyes at all. The contrast this made to his untidy silver hair was striking. He wore a really huge, stupid, tie. I will never be able to forget it, as it is engraved in my oh-so fragile mind. His face was perfect. It made me mad. He smiled at me (it was pretty damn chilling) and said, “Do you know what I have to say to that?” His smile sank. “Every good story has a beginning.” And then I died. First time for everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrabHelmet Posted January 4, 2009 Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 Toby Skylark = Tony Stark. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arekku_Koro Posted January 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 Toby Skylark = Tony Stark. Holy Crap. Lol, I swear, that's a coincidence. Maybe I'll change it. His name doesn't stick anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Digital.Simplicity. Posted January 4, 2009 Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 This is odd in a good way but somewhat disturbing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arekku_Koro Posted January 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 This is odd in a good way but somewhat disturbing. It will only get wierder. As for disturbing, well, it depends on who's reading it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
End Of The Abyss Posted January 4, 2009 Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 abandoned ally = abandoned alley Skylark....where have I heard that name before? Yu-Gi-Oh? Not sure...OH! Nickelodeon....Chip Skylark....Damn Fairly Odd Parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arekku_Koro Posted January 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 I made some edits. I didn't think Kai was described well enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
End Of The Abyss Posted January 4, 2009 Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 That's alot better...GREAT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arekku_Koro Posted January 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 ' pid='1554810' dateline='1231038446']That's alot better...GREAT! Thanks, Dustin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna Lovegood Posted January 4, 2009 Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 I like it. Give me more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arekku_Koro Posted January 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 I like it. Give me more. Of course there will be more. I can't stop writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JG. Posted January 4, 2009 Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 Sweet!!! I love it! Make more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arekku_Koro Posted January 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 Sweet!!! I love it! Make more!Thank you. This is just a prelude to my story, and I really need to think about where I'm taking the story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OmegaWave Posted January 4, 2009 Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 *Crying*.....SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!! BRAVO! BRAVO! lulz. Epic intro. Confusing, but sure to make more sense when the rest of the story comes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiffMaster Alex Posted January 4, 2009 Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 It's not bad but "It was terrible" really doesn't fit there. Also, why wouldn't he want to be screaming? Other than that it is good for a preface. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arekku_Koro Posted January 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 Also' date=' why wouldn't he want to be screaming? [/quote'] It was the feeling of not being able to control your own body that scared him. And thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Requiem Posted January 4, 2009 Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 Is this for school? This really good except the ones the above people mentioned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiffMaster Alex Posted January 4, 2009 Report Share Posted January 4, 2009 Also' date=' why wouldn't he want to be screaming? [/quote'] It was the feeling of not being able to control your own body that scared him. I see. I noticed something else. It says "Abandoned Alley" in the paragraph. You should make it "Alley" because this paragraph will show up later in the story so the readers will know where the characters are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arekku_Koro Posted January 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2009 OK. Thanks for the help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desu the Blue Nerd Posted January 6, 2009 Report Share Posted January 6, 2009 Honestly, I like it. It makes me slightly confused but that's what wants kme to read more. It's the curiousity of what is going to happen next and what already happened. Due to the fact that it mentioned a samurai and the main character dieing from who knows what and how which also makes you think is this the last page but that gives you more curiousity. Are there battles? Like sword fights or something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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