Mario & Luigi- Lost In Space [Remake]

[Anti-Apocryphal]

[spoiler=(1) Welcome to Super Mario Galaxy]
[spoiler=Prelude]
In the world of Mario & Luigi, many live. A vast amount of creatures roam the worlds, minding to their own business. Everything is peaceful- until Bowser tries to take over everything, but is always stopped by Mario and company. Bowser then gives up until he devises another plan.
Now, Mario and company are back at home in the Mushroom Kingdom ruled by Princess Peach. Nothing is out-of-the-ordinary. Currently, it’s late winter, with temperatures at record lows- 32 degrees below normal. The snow is falling at a blinding rate. Several feet have built up. Many people are safe in Peach’s castle.
Mario is sitting in the Princess’s bedroom, watching her fall asleep. Little he knows what is to happen next...[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 1- Let The Goombas Lead The Way]
As he watches Peach fall asleep, the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario, glances outside. The dark night makes the snow hard to see. Mario reflects back on how many times he has saved the Princess. [i]Countless times[/i], Mario thinks.
After a couple more minutes of watching Peach, Mario decides to leave her to herself. He exits out of her room, closing the door behind himself. He starts down the hallway.
Late at night, hardly anyone is out. He spots Toadsworth going to the bathroom, a Toad walking with a snack, and another Toad asleep on the floor. Mario looks up at the pictures on the wall- nothing but Mushroom Kingdom. Once he reaches the stairs, he turns and makes his way down.
Once downstairs, Mario is only a few feet from his destination- Toad’s Cafe. Toad’s Cafe is a cafeteria filled with counters that have everything from breakfast to dessert. The cafeteria is one of the biggest rooms in the castle- with over one hundred 50x20 tables, and over three thousand chairs.
Mario enters, finding only about eight others scattered in the room. He walks over to a pizza counter and looks inside. He finds something small, round-ish, and green head first wiggling in the back. He begins to make his order.
“I would like to order,” he begins. But then he freezes.
The green thing turns around and sees Mario. It’s a goomba. Never before has Mario seen a goomba any other color but brown. But before Mario can move, the goomba attacks. Just before it knocks over Mario, something goes right by his head and strikes the goomba- a hammer. Mario turns to find his brother, Luigi, standing there.
“There’s more of them around,” starts Luigi, “and I know where they’re coming from. Remember the pipes in the basement? I found a portal there leaking them out. I came to get you to help me stop them.”
“Well, it’s probably just Bowser again,” states Mario. “We can easily finish this.”
With that, the bros. took off running. Mario stops, then Luigi with a questioning look on his face.
“Why are we stopping?” he asks.
“We have to make sure the Princess if safe!” Mario exclaims.
Mario bolts upstairs to Peach’s room- open.
[i]Oh no,[/i] Mario thinks. He runs in to find her gone. “Peach!”
“Bro, she might have been taken by the goombas, come on!” exclaims Luigi, half-way down the stairs.
Mario and Luigi sprint down to the basement door. They stand there, then Mario busts open the door. The sight is a nightmare.
The room is half-full of green goombas. There must be at least three hundred of them. What comes through the portal next is horrific. A thing that looks like Bowser- just four times bigger- comes out. It’s also green and has a symbol on it’s stomach. It’s a circle that has a big “L” with the text “W O R L D” underneath. It lets out a mighty scream and points at Mario. It then speaks.
“Get Mario!”
The goombas obey. They begin until Luigi leaks his emotions.
“No, don’t hurt him, please, he’s all I’ve got!”
The goombas instantaneously freexe in place.
“Oh,” Mario lets out, “they listen to you.”
Before Luigi can start, one of the many goombas come forward and interrupts.
“Of course we do, he’s our leader.”
“Leader of what?” questions Mario.
With a long look on his face, the goomba explains, “Of Luigiworld, the planet in the galaxy next to Marioland. You should know, you’re the leader of Marioland.”
At this surprise, Mario lifts his eyebrows. He looks over to his brother, who is in shock. Mario thinks to himself, [i]Galaxy? Luigiworld? Marioland? Green goombas? None of this makes sense. We’ll have to see for ourselves.[/i]
“Well then, let’s go,” says Mario.
The green look-alike Bowser agrees. He begins, “since we only listen to Luigi, it’s his decision.”
All eyes go to Luigi. He nods.
“Then go through that portal,” says the look-alike.
The bros. walk to the portal, then go in. The goombas and look-alike follow.
But just then, the portal closes.
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Chapter 2- A Flying Mushroom Can Take You Far]
Once the brothers were through the portal, they found that they were on a platform- in the middle of space. They looked around at the surroundings. They found huge planets, a gorgeous sun, and an infinite number of stars. The sight was beautiful.
“Well,” said the look-alike Bowser, “the ship should arrive soon.”
“Ship?” Mario questioned.
“Yes, the Mushroom Flyer.”
As soon as he finished his sentence, the ship pulled up in front of the platform. It was twice the size of Peach’s castle, had a flat area on top where you could stand, and was the design of a mushroom. The brothers stood in amusement.
A door opens at the nose of the ship, which was the nose of the mushroom.
Green Bowser started inwards first, then the brothers. The green goombas took up the rear.
“Well, here we are,” stated green Bowser.
As the door shut behind everyone, Mario and Luigi looked around. They found that they were in a lobby- with five other doorways. Within the lobby were pictures of planets from around the galaxy- anywhere from Marioland, to Sly-Sneak Station, and even Toad Super Galaxy. There was a rainbow of goombas found in one of the pictures. Mario walked toward it and read the label.

[center]“Great Goomba Galaxy”[/center]

Mario looked up again. He saw goombas in the colors red, green pink, yellow, tan, and brown. He also spotted white with green stripes, and white with red dots. Finally, he found white and rainbow goombas. Mario had never seen something like this before.
One of the green goombas walked up beside Mario. The goomba’s face got serious and he started examining the picture as if it were an ancient artifact.
“It’s sad it had to happen,” he said.
Startled, Mario answered, “remind me, what happened again?”
The goomba looked down, then back up. The words he began to say came out slowly.
“All the goombas in the universe call it ‘Goomsday,’ not ‘Doomsday,” he answered.
“That still doesn’t tell me what happened,” Mario replied.
“I can remember it like it was just yesterday,” the green goomba began, “it all started while all the goombas in the universe were on the world know as the Great Goomba Galaxy. The place was perfect for goombas- skies that let you see stars, short fruit pkants for easy reach, and even small houses for families; of course they were all one story high. One day, the messenger goombas- also known as paragoombas- brought back some news. They heard of a creature named Bowser that was trying to take over the universe. We had nowhere to go, other than hope for a hero. That’s when Mario and Luigi came along. We were told that you saved a place called Mushroom Kingdom, ruled by Princess Peach, and home of Toads, from Boswer countless times. We were also told about others such as Wario, DK, and Yoshi, and what they did. We were hoping for you to come and save us. Everybody was in a frantic panic, talking about each character- mainly Bowser, you, and Luigi. One day, the world was corrupting from panic, and that’s when it happened.”
Mario has his eyes fixed on the little fellow, nodding as if to say “go on.”
The green goomba continued, “suddenly, everybody looked up at something in the sky. It was a purple comet. It came closer to us then stopped. Everybody was still thinking about the character they were discussing. Then, the unexpected happened. The comet blew up, knocking everybody to the ground, including myself. I, and everybody else, fainted. I guess it was about three minutes later when I woke up. The sky was yet again clear. I thought it was just a cosmic explosion or some sort, until I looked around.”
He paused for a moment, then continued, “everybody was in different colors- like the ones in this picture. That’s when I saw myself green, because I was thinking about Luigi. I got up and ran inside my house. I got a camera, and climbed on top of my house. Once on top, I took a picture of everyone- which is the picture in front of us. Then, something strange happened. Each of us, one by one, were disappearing. I had no clue where everyone was going. Then, I disappeared, with my camera still in hand. I appeared on a world filled with green, and other green goombas. That’s when I was told by green look-alike Bowser that I had arrived in Luigiworld. I was to serve Luigi, and Luigi only. I was told to hate others. I was also told to learn about Luigi based off the world, and to fit to his needs whenever he came to Luigiworld. And so I worked there for what is now two years. The green Boswer told us that he wasn’t formed in any way like us- he was a cosmic spirit. When the planet was born, so was he. That’s why he has authority over us. He told us one day that he found a portal to the world you’re from. He wanted to claim it for Luigi- but he thought it was unsafe, so we took the Mushroom Flyer- where I placed my picture. Others brought there’s, from where the Mushroom Flyer was used around the galaxy. All you had to do was call for it. Then we arrived at your world through a different portal, the one at the platform. Now, we’re here.”
Mario quickly questioned, “then why are there rainbow and white goombas?”
“Those were the goombas that were asleep. The rainbow is our original color. The white means that they’re mentally ill, also known as albino. They transform into giant monsters that will destroy you if threatened.”
The two stood in silence. Everyone seemed to had been listening.
“We’re almost at Luigiworld,” the look-alike said.
Mario looked up out of the windows- the eyes of the Mushroom Flyer. He saw a huge, lush, green world ahead.
[/spoiler]
[/spoiler]

[Anti-Apocryphal]

Chapter 1 is complete. Chapter 2 is ready to be posted, because I've already completed it.

[Twig]

[i]He exits out of her room, closing the door behind himself. He starts down the hallway.[/i]

Sentences like these are bland and unnecessary.

[i]Late at night, hardly anyone is out. He spots Toadsworth going to the bathroom, a Toad walking with a snack, and another Toad asleep on the floor. Mario looks up at the pictures on the wall- nothing but Mushroom Kingdom. Once he reaches the stairs, he turns and makes his way down.[/i]

I don't understand. What does this have to do with anything?

[i]He begins to make his order.
“I would like to order,” he begins. [/i]

First sentence is unnecessary. To make it worse, you state the same thing right after that sentence.

[i]They begin until Luigi leaks his emotions.
“No, don’t hurt him, please, he’s all I’ve got!”[/i]

Really? Luigi trying to make the Goombas pity him? That's just not right.

[i]You should know, you’re the leader of Marioland.”[/i]

How come the Goombas in "Marioland" never obeyed Mario?


The idea that there are planets based on the characters is just crazy. Did these planets appear when they were born, or did the inhabitants of the planets just decided to dedicate the whole world to these plumbers? And by the way, how can there be a parallel world when they're in the same galaxy? Also, the galaxy is named Super MARIO Galaxy, as said in your title, so why is there a Luigiworld?


You know, most of the beginning were pointless. You could have just started with Mario already at Toad's Cafe. Then you could have made chapter one longer. Lastly, more description, less boring and unnecessary sentences.

[Catterjune]

[quote]The idea that there are planets based on the characters is just crazy. Did these planets appear when they were born, or did the inhabitants of the planets just decided to dedicate the whole world to these plumbers?[/quote]
It's Mario though. A series involving a plumber fighting turtles and eating mushrooms and wearing a racoon suit to fly. It's not the weirdest thing to happen in the series.

My complaint is that the story doesn't seem to build any tension. The princess has been kidnapped and there's an army of green Goomba's down in the basement waiting to pounce, but 4 seconds later all the tension is gone because they're actually an army of Goomba's that respond to everything Luigi says and they're all willing to help the plumbers out.

I mean, could you imagine if any of the Mario games did that? You're one plumber against all odds, traversing the dangerous worlds in Mario World and then the various planets in Galaxy. You dive through paintings with unknown at every corner in Mario 64, travel to an unknown and unfamiliar kingdom in Superstar Saga, lost in time in Partner's in Time, trapped inside Bowser in Inside Story. Then we have this story, where Luigi gets an army two seconds into the story.

Not digging it.

[Anti-Apocryphal]

@Twig- I understand everything you're saying. Everything might not make sense at first, but I assure you- it will later on. The goombas don't just select a planet and stick. There's a reason- which will be found in Chapter 2. It explains everything. And I'm going to be honest- usually I suck at writing Chapter 1. This happens to me all the time. And good point- I could had. But I just didn't think to. Maybe that would had improved it?

@PikaPerson- Not everything will appeal to everyone. Everyone has an opinion- and that's yours. As I mentioned to Twig- Chapter 1 won't make sense. It's like the movie [b]Phantom of the Opera[/b]- the beginning makes [i]no[/i] sense at all. But I assure you- Chapter 2 will make sense. And you call them an "army-" they aren't. But I don't want to give too much away. The story won't build tension until- *stops before gives too much away* That's classified until later. Later chapters/books.


Basically, I'm just trying to say that the beginning won't make sense until later on. That's my style right there. ;D

[Anti-Apocryphal]

Chapter two is complete.

[Twig]

[spoiler=Decided to do a more constructive review...part one?]
Before we begin, I'd like to tell you that indenting in YCM isn't the best. It's much more readable when you double space after each paragraph.

[i][indent]Chapter 2- A Flying Mushroom Can Take You Far
Once the brothers were through the portal, they found that they were on a platform- in the middle of space. They looked around at the surroundings. They found huge planets, a gorgeous sun, and an infinite number of stars. The sight was beautiful.[/indent][/i]

Re-read your sentences to see if you can combine any of them to make one descriptive sentence instead of two boring sentences. Try to find more exciting replacements for simple words(thesaurus.com is very useful, but don't just take random words. Make sure it makes sense.)

Example: Looking at their surroundings, they saw colossal planets, a gorgeous sun, and an infinite number of glowing stars.

Also, take out "the sight was beautiful." Ever heard of the term, "Show, don't tell?" It basically means, don't just say it, describe it. Telling: "The cat was happy." Showing: "The cat's mouth widened in glee as it was given it's favorite yarn ball." You already "showed" that the sight was beautiful in the sentence before. There's no reason to "tell" it again.

[i][indent]“Well,” said the look-alike Bowser, “the ship should arrive soon.”
“Ship?” Mario questioned.
“Yes, the Mushroom Flyer.”
As soon as he finished his sentence, the ship pulled up in front of the platform. It was twice the size of Peach’s castle, had a flat area on top where you could stand, and was the design of a mushroom. The brothers stood in amusement.[/indent][/i]

"...was a design of a mushroom" doesn't sound right. "Shaped like a mushroom" fits better. Especially because it's a literary device. Do you know the literary devices? Quite nifty tool for writing.

"The brothers stood in amusement." is another sentence that tells instead of showing. Can you try to describe their expression?

[i][indent]A door opens at the nose of the ship, which was the nose of the mushroom.[/indent][/i]

Quite a redundant sentence. I already know that the ship is shaped like a mushroom. You don't need to say it twice.

[i][indent]Green Bowser started inwards first, then the brothers. The green goombas took up the rear.
“Well, here we are,” stated green Bowser.
As the door shut behind everyone, Mario and Luigi looked around. They found that they were in a lobby- with five other doorways. Within the lobby were pictures of planets from around the galaxy- anywhere from Marioland, to Sly-Sneak Station, and even Toad Super Galaxy. There was a rainbow of goombas found in one of the pictures. Mario walked toward it and read the label.[/indent][/i]

Many of the sentences sound boring. Spice them up a bit. For instance, you could have said the color of the lobby, and you could have added more details to the last sentence. Example: "Interested, Mario walked up to the painting to read the label"

[center]“Great Goomba Galaxy”[/center]

[i][indent]Mario looked up again. He saw goombas in the colors red, green pink, yellow, tan, and brown. He also spotted white with green stripes, and white with red dots. Finally, he found white and rainbow goombas. Mario had never seen something like this before.[/indent][/i]

Kind of an overkill on the colors of the goombas. Also, first sentence is unnecessary, or you could make it more interesting.

[i][indent]One of the green goombas walked up beside Mario. The goomba’s face got serious and he started examining the picture as if it were an ancient artifact. [/indent][/i]

"Got" is a horrible word to use. You could have used "became" or you could have stated it earlier when he walked to Mario.

[i][indent]“It’s sad it had to happen,” he said.
Startled, Mario answered, “remind me, what happened again?”
The goomba looked down, then back up. The words he began to say came out slowly.
“All the goombas in the universe call it ‘Goomsday,’ not ‘Doomsday,” he answered.[/indent][/i]

Goomsday sounds corny. Also, when I read "The goomba looked down, then back up," I thought he was watching an Old Spice commercial.
[/spoiler]

Well it appears that I have ran out of time. Skimming through the rest of the chapter, I realized the chapter title doesn't really fit the big idea of this chapter. Anyways, I may come back. Also, this is my first time doing this [i]type[/i] of review, so I don't know how it will work out.

[CrabHelmet]

[b]Once upon a time, a military project was initiated to create a network of computers for the sharing of information. The project proved so successful that it spread beyond the military into the civilian world, until eventually it became fundamental to all aspects of society. There were those who feared that it would destroy the world by becoming infected with some sort of artificial intelligence, but the true outcome was far worse: it became infected by natural stupidity.

With terrible fanfiction now free to expand beyond obscure fanzines to be seen by the whole world and every ten-year-old with a keyboard capable of posting a story, terrible fanfics have spread wide and grown in number. These horrible monstrosities conceal the rare brilliant fanfics while destroying the brains of all who read them. Such awful stories must be opposed. They are our opponents. They are our enemies. They are our foes.

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for [i]Foe Fiction[/i].[/b]

Well, I was supposed to be out playing croquet right now, but by order of President Biden, nobody in town is to leave their shielded houses today while the Initiative runs its tests. I mean, it's pretty cool that Vice President Edwards is actually in my town, but this is really a pain. So, since I can't be hitting balls through wickets with mallets, I suppose I'll be hitting my head against bad fanfiction wishing that I could be using a mallet instead. Future Paradise claims that Mario & Luigi - Lost In Space will ultimately be a 7-10 book series, which I find more than a little doubtful, but for now, I'm sure the first chapter will be more than enough to take care of my remaining sanity. But first, the "Prelude", because apparently prologues aren't pretentious enough nowadays.

[i]In the world of Mario & Luigi, many live.[/i]

Wow, YCM really doesn't waste time in getting right down to the bad stuff, does it? I mean, last time the very first word of the story was "Jakeup", and now today we have this lovely little piece of aneurysm-inducing prose.

[i]A vast amount of creatures roam the worlds, minding to their own business. Everything is peaceful- until Bowser tries to take over everything, but is always stopped by Mario and company. Bowser then gives up until he devises another plan.[/i]

Yes, that is exactly the plot of the main series Mario games. Congratulations, you figured it out. And I'm sure there are a lot of people reading Mario fanfics who aren't aware that this is the case.

Except, wait, this is a Mario & Luigi fanfic, and if there's one part of the Mario series that this completely fails to describe, it's the RPG subseries', in which Bowser is normally at worst a comic relief nuisance and at best an actual ally. So what's all this nonsense about how everything is fine except for Bowser's attempts to take over the world (OF COURSE!)? Did we all just forget about Smithy? Grodus and the Shadow Queen? Count Bleck? Cackletta? The Shroobs? Fawful? Those last three are actually in the Mario & Luigi subseries itself, in which Bowser has never been the primary antagonist.

It's rare to find a description that is so obviously true as to be unnecessary and yet is also simultaneously completely false.

[i]Now, Mario and company are back at home in the Mushroom Kingdom ruled by Princess Peach. Nothing is out-of-the-ordinary.[/i]

BEHOLD THE HEART-POUNDING ACTION OF EVERYTHING BEING RATHER AVERAGE!

Let me make one thing quite clear: having a good hook is important, and as far as hooks go, "Nothing interesting is happening" is about as bad as it gets.

[i]Currently, it’s late winter, with temperatures at record lows- 32 degrees below normal. The snow is falling at a blinding rate. Several feet have built up. Many people are safe in Peach’s castle.
Mario is sitting in the Princess’s bedroom, watching her fall asleep. Little he knows what is to happen next...[/i]

Oh, good. I was hoping that little he knew what was to happen next, since it would be inconvenient if it weren't the case that little he would know. >_> Look, I don't know whether English is your second language or whether you are currently recovering from a lobotomy, and I don't really care. This is unacceptable. Get a proofreader or get some eyes.

And... that's the entire [s]prologue[/s] "prelude". Was there anything here that needed to be said at all, or, if it did need to be said, could not have been said in the first chapter? Absolutely not. This section was a pointless waste of time.

[i][u]Chapter 1- Let The Goombas Lead The Way[/u]
As he watches Peach fall asleep, the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario, glances outside. The dark night makes the snow hard to see. Mario reflects back on how many times he has saved the Princess. [b]Countless times[/b], Mario thinks.[/i]

(Bold means italics.)

Hasn't Mario saved Peach so much by now that it's not even worth thinking about? I mean, that's like me "reflecting back" (oh, hi, redundancy) on how many math homework sets I've done; by this point I can't possibly even bother.

[i]After a couple more minutes of watching Peach,[/i]

Incidentally, I can't be the only one getting really creepy Edward Cullen vibes from this.

[i]Mario decides to leave her to herself. He exits out of her room, closing the door behind himself. He starts down the hallway.[/i]

EPIC DOOR-CLOSING AND HALLWAY-STARTING-DOWN ADVENTURE! PART OF A SEVEN-TO-TEN-BOOK SERIES!

[i]Late at night, hardly anyone is out. He spots Toadsworth going to the bathroom, a Toad walking with a snack, and another Toad asleep on the floor. Mario looks up at the pictures on the wall- nothing but Mushroom Kingdom. Once he reaches the stairs, he turns and makes his way down.[/i]

Before I go on, I suppose I should clarify something: writing is complicated, and every rule has an exception. Which means that whenever I post a rule, somebody will say "Maybe, BUT-" and come up with an exception to it, as if that invalidates my comment.

For example, when I once mentioned that you really need to proofread to ensure that your English is readable, somebody responded that that was obviously a completely idiotic suggestion, since e.e. cummings is known for eccentric grammar and punctuation. However, this overlooks the fact that e.e. cummings does it for legitimate artistic reasons, whereas seven-year-olds on YCM do it because they're morons. Both write with improper English, but the effect is very different.

Similarly, when I talked about how "Nothing interesting is happening" is a terrible hook back in the [s]prologue[/s] Pretentious Prologue, I'm sure there was somebody who immediately responded, "But wait a minute! Didn't FLCL begin with the same hook? FLCL was awesome!" Yes, that is true, but if you look beyond the surface fact that they used similar words, you'll see that FLCL has the main character claim that nothing interesting is happening, which reflects his character and is comedic because the rest of the show plays like an awesome acid trip. On the other hand, Future Paradise begins with the disembodied omniscient narrator stating that everything is boring, and this claim is immediately proven true with scenes from Mario's boring domestic life. FLCL is ironic and funny; this fanfic is just badly-written.

So here, when I say that including dry statements about what Mario mechanically does as he walks around the house is boring and pointless, maybe someone out there will start pointing to James Joyce, overlooking the fact that Joyce uses an elaborate stream-of-consciousness writing style to show characters' thoughts during and reactions to mundane events for legitimate artistic reasons, while Future Paradise merely mechanically recites those mundane events because he can't come up with anything interesting to write and needs to pad out the "NOTHING HAPPENS" section a bit more.

To this, I have only one response: don't.

You are not e.e. cummings. You are not James Joyce. You're not even on the writing staff of FLCL. You're a kid writing video game or anime fanfiction on a forum based around a children's card game, and if you try to break basic writing rules just because some great artist in the past did so, you will almost certainly fail because you won't understand what made it acceptable - nay, brilliant - for the artist to break that rule in the first place. Rules exist because they are useful to almost everyone, and I doubt that you are one of those unique snowflakes who can make a successful exception.

Mario & Luigi - Lost In Space is not Ulysses. We do not need to see Mario wandering around a peaceful castle with no thoughts on his mind. That is pointless and boring and unnecessary.

[i]Once downstairs, Mario is only a few feet from his destination- Toad’s Cafe. Toad’s Cafe is a cafeteria filled with counters that have everything from breakfast to dessert. The cafeteria is one of the biggest rooms in the castle- with over one hundred 50x20 tables, and over three thousand chairs.[/i]

I could point out that the population of the entire Mushroom Kingdom has never appeared to be over three thousand in any of the RPG's, but we'll let that slide because I want to talk about the formatting: There are no blank lines between paragraphs. That makes this a real eyesore to look at. Sure, there are paragraph breaks, but without blank lines, all that does is turn a wall of text into a wall of text with uneven right-justification. It's not like this is even a difficult flaw to notice; anyone with eyes can see it.

[i]Mario enters, finding only about eight others scattered in the room. He walks over to a pizza counter and looks inside. He finds something small, round-ish, and green head first wiggling in the back.[/i]

He continues to act in the present, despite there being no particular reason for this choice of tense.

See? There's a good example of the rule-exception thing. Good authors have good reasons for writing in the present tense instead of in the more standard past tense. Future Paradise does it because I guess it gets you hipster points or something.

[i]He begins to make his order. "I would like to order,” he begins.[/i]

Ooh, this game is fun. Can I play too? Watch: You are a bad writer. Your writing is bad. You write bad things. You write in a bad manner. The quality of your writing is bad. Bad describes your skill as a writer. A bad writer is you.

[i]But then he freezes.
The green thing turns around and sees Mario. It’s a goomba. Never before has Mario seen a goomba any other color but brown.[/i]

In the original Paper Mario alone, Mario saw Goombas in red, green, and two shades of blue. But hey, continuity's for chumps.

[i]But before Mario can move, the goomba attacks. Just before it knocks over Mario, something goes right by his head and strikes the goomba- a hammer. Mario turns to find his brother, Luigi, standing there.[/i]

Yes, because how on earth could Mario have possibly survived the devastating attack of such a powerful foe as a Goomba without a hammer-wielding cavalry conveniently appearing out of nowhere to save him?

[i]“There’s more of them around,” starts Luigi, “and I know where they’re coming from. Remember the pipes in the basement? I found a portal there leaking them out. I came to get you to help me stop them.”[/i]

Luigi: "I came to look for you in the cafe instead of in Peach's room because I know you come down here every night to cry and drink until you're not sober enough to remember that Daisy will never love you."

[i]“Well, it’s probably just Bowser again,” states Mario. “We can easily finish this.”[/i]

Look, when I say that I'd rather see "said" used in every sentence than see random synonyms plucked from a thesaurus and used no matter how awkward they sound, I'm not joking. Using nothing but "said" may be bland, but it's a dull blandness that isn't necessarily too obvious (especially if the characters are saying interesting things, which admittedly they aren't in this story), whereas awkward word choice like this leaps right off the page and hits the reader in the face with a croquet mallet.

[i]With that, the bros. took off running. Mario stops, then Luigi with a questioning look on his face.[/i]

I mean, it's obvious that you're putting so much effort into trying to sound eloquent here, and it's equally obvious that it's having the opposite effect...

[i]“Why are we stopping?” he asks.[/i]

...an opposite effect that is fueled in part (though by no means exclusively) by endless redundancy. No, you can't just let Luigi have his "questioning look" and let his expression speak for itself; no, you need to say that he looks like he has a question and then have him explicitly ask the obvious question.

[i]“We have to make sure the Princess if safe!” Mario exclaims.
Mario bolts upstairs to Peach’s room- open.
[b]Oh no,[/b] Mario thinks. He runs in to find her gone. “Peach!”
“Bro, she might have been taken by the goombas, come on!” exclaims Luigi, half-way down the stairs.[/i]

We were literally told exactly the same thing - the [s]Hyper Goombas[/s] green Goombas took Peach - four separate times here, slightly more (unnecessarily) explicitly each time. Or were we supposed to think that the door was open but she was still inside and just wanted some fresh air? Or that Mario was horrified that the curtains were the wrong color? Or that she was gone because she decided to go for a walk?

There's a rule often repeated that goes, "Tell 'em what you're gonna tell 'em. Tell 'em. Then tell 'em what you told 'em". Since there seems to be some confusion on the matter, let me make one thing perfectly clear: That rule is to tell preachers how to write their sermons. It is not to tell creative writers of fiction in general how to write. There is an important distinction at work here: preachers are more creative than Future Paradise.

[i]Mario and Luigi sprint down to the basement door. They stand there, then Mario busts open the door. The sight is a nightmare.
The room is half-full of green goombas. There must be at least three hundred of them. What comes through the portal next is horrific.[/i]

The scene is horrific! The portal-thing is a nightmare! Oh no!

This sort of thing is much more effective if you just describe the scene and let the readers decide for themselves how horrifically nightmarish it is. As it stands, the scene feels weak with nothing but you flatly stating how horrible you intended it to be to support it.

[i]A thing that looks like Bowser- just four times bigger-[/i]

Because Bowser has a consistent default size, am I right? Seriously, I don't know how to picture an extra-large Bowser; four times bigger than an RPG Bowser is still much smaller than the Super Mario Sunshine incarnation of Bowser. Telling me this thing's size relative to something as nebulous as Bowser's size is meaningless. It tells me that you want me to think he's big, but it can't possibly create a vivid image in my mind, and that means that your description isn't doing it's job.

[i]comes out. It’s also green and has a symbol on it’s stomach. It’s a circle that has a big “L” with the text “W O R L D” underneath.[/i]

Oh, no, it's a poster for the third Death Note movie! Run! Save yourselves from its terribleness!

[i]It lets out a mighty scream and points at Mario. It then speaks.[/i]

Green!Bowser: ARRRGGHHH!!!!!

*silent reaction*

Green!Bowser: *stops screaming and starts pointing and speaking normally*

Yeah, somehow this scene doesn't quite work for me.

[i]“Get Mario!”
The goombas obey. They begin until Luigi leaks his emotions.
“No, don’t hurt him, please, he’s all I’ve got!”
The goombas instantaneously freexe in place.[/i]

This story is apparently a remake, which impies that some form of revision ought to have taken place, and yet nonsense like "freexe" is still present.

[i]“Oh,” Mario lets out, “they listen to you.”
Before Luigi can start, one of the many goombas come forward and interrupts.
“Of course we do, he’s our leader.”[/i]

Citizen: Help, I'm being attacked by evil demons! Someone, help!

Superhero: Never fear, citizen! The demons are actually your servants who just have an unusual way of saying hello.

Citizen: THANK YOU, ANTICLIMAX MAN!

[i]“Leader of what?” questions Mario.
With a long look on his face,[/i]

Try picturing a Goomba with a long look on his face.

Please bear in mind that Goombas are nothing but walking faces.

[i]the goomba explains, “Of Luigiworld, the planet in the galaxy next to Marioland. You should know, you’re the leader of Marioland.”[/i]

Which is why all the Goombas that Mario normally encounters get out of his way as soon as he tells them to, right?

[i]At this surprise, Mario lifts his eyebrows. He looks over to his brother, who is in shock. Mario thinks to himself, [b]Galaxy? Luigiworld? Marioland? Green goombas? None of this makes sense.[/b][/i]

I have to say, Mario's on the money here. I agree complet-

[i][b]We’ll have to see for ourselves.[/b][/i]

Nevermind, Mario's an idiot.

[i]“Well then, let’s go,” says Mario.
The green look-alike Bowser agrees. He begins, “since we only listen to Luigi, it’s his decision.”
All eyes go to Luigi. He nods.
“Then go through that portal,” says the look-alike.
The bros. walk to the portal, then go in. The goombas and look-alike follow.
But just then, the portal closes.[/i]

END OF CHAPTER

Summary of the story so far: "Nothing happened. Then Luigi saved Mario from a Goomba and was given a vast legion under his command as a reward for absolutely nothing. Oh, and Peach is kidnapped again, but honestly, that's hardly worth mentioning at this point; even the characters seem to have forgotten about that by the chapter's end."

Now, this was a horribly-written story with a horrible plot, but Future Paradise swears that Chapter 2 will be loads better and all the plot holes will be cleared up in Chapter 2 and he's much better at writing Chapter 2's and Chapter 2 will rise again on the third day, so even though I and any other sensible person would normally drop this story after [s]Chapter 1[/s] the very first sentence of the [s]prologue[/s] "prelude", I suppose just this once I'll go ahead and try Chapter 2 so that I can [s]prove that Future Paradise wasn't holding back the good stuff for Chapter 2 and in fact just sucks in general[/s] [s]provide a perfectly fair evaluation of this story[/s] prove that Future Paradise wasn't holding back the good stuff for Chapter 2 and in fact just sucks in general.

[i][u]Chapter 2- A Flying Mushroom Can Take You Far[/u]
Once the brothers were through the portal, they found that they were on a platform- in the middle of space.[/i]

Oh, hey, now we're suddenly in the past tense. Proving that Future Paradise put absolutely no thought into the fundamental writing style of the story and had no care at all for consistency.

[i]They looked around at the surroundings. They found huge planets, a gorgeous sun, and an infinite number of stars. The sight was beautiful.[/i]

A good writer writes a beautiful scene; a bad writer claims that a scene is beautiful.

The same is true if you replace "beautiful" with "nightmarish" or pretty much any other adjective, and this is a trap that Future Paradise falls into constantly. No, my heartstrings will not be tugged just because you say something is awesome; if your story is worth anything, you'll just describe it and in doing so convince me that it's awesome.

[i]“Well,” said the look-alike Bowser, “the ship should arrive soon.”
“Ship?” Mario questioned.
“Yes, the Mushroom Flyer.”
As soon as he finished his sentence, the ship pulled up in front of the platform. It was twice the size of Peach’s castle,[/i]

...and yet Green!Bowser didn't notice it despite its massive size, given that he couldn't make a more precise statement regarding its arrival time.

[i]had a flat area on top where you could stand, and was the design of a mushroom. The brothers stood in amusement.[/i]

I've really no idea whether Future Paradise actually means amusement or whether this is just a typo for "amazement". That just goes to show how bad the Tell-Don't-Show in the writing is here; the description alone gives me no clue as to how I'm expected to react to something, leaving nothing but Future Paradise's blanket statements of "IT'S BEAUTIFUL OKAY I SAID IT'S BEAUTIFUL SO DON'T QUESTION IT" for guidance.

[i]A door opens at the nose of the ship, which was the nose of the mushroom.[/i]

I facepalmed at the most tautological part of the story, which was the most tautological part of the chapter.

[i]Green Bowser started inwards first, then the brothers. The green goombas took up the rear.
“Well, here we are,” stated green Bowser.[/i]

Let me ask you: short of documenting weeks of training in a centrifuge, can you think of a more dull way to describe going through a magic portal and boarding an unusually-designed spaceship?

[i]As the door shut behind everyone, Mario and Luigi looked around. They found that they were in a lobby- with five other doorways. Within the lobby were pictures of planets from around the galaxy- anywhere from Marioland, to Sly-Sneak Station, and even Toad Super Galaxy.[/i]

I think I'm starting to see how this is going to last for seven-to-ten books: loads and loads of filler.

[i]There was a rainbow of goombas found in one of the pictures. Mario walked toward it and read the label.

[center]“Great Goomba Galaxy”[/center]

Mario looked up again. He saw goombas in the colors red, green pink, yellow, tan, and brown.[/i]

..."Great Goomba Galaxy"?

Oh, and thanks for saying you saw lots of Goomba colors. Presumably, I had forgotten when you said you saw a rainbow of Goombas THREE SENTENCES AGO. Forget actual filler; this idiotic repetition provides far more padding than any number of filler arcs possibly could.

[i]He also spotted white with green stripes, and white with red dots. Finally, he found white and rainbow goombas. Mario had never seen something like this before.[/i]

YES, I KNOW HE NEVER SAW DIFFERENT GOOMBA COLORS BEFORE, YOU JUST SAID LAST CHAPTER HE HAD ONLY SEEN BROWN GOOMBAS

Presumably Future Paradise is trying to get a piece of the anterograde amnesia demographic with these constant reminders. Or maybe he's just pandering to the people-who-are-just-as-stupid-as-Future-Paradise crowd.

[i]One of the green goombas walked up beside Mario. The goomba’s face got serious and he started examining the picture as if it were an ancient artifact.
“It’s sad it had to happen,” he said.
Startled, Mario answered, “remind me, what happened again?”
The goomba looked down, then back up. The words he began to say came out slowly.
“All the goombas in the universe call it ‘Goomsday,’ not ‘Doomsday,” he answered.[/i]

You want to know what a great way to kill any attempt at making a scene dramatic or serious is? The word "Goomsday".

[i]“That still doesn’t tell me what happened,” Mario replied.[/i]

I like Mario in this story. He clearly hates this story just as much as I do and is intent on cutting through all the stupidity that Future Paradise spews out so that he can finish this nonsense and get back to his actual job of cleaning the castle's bathrooms. Because cleaning the toilets outside of a cafe built to hold three thousand is still much better than enduring this story.

[i]“I can remember it like it was just yesterday,” the green goomba began, “it all started while all the goombas in the universe were on the world know as the Great Goomba Galaxy. The place was perfect for goombas- skies that let you see stars, short fruit pkants[/i]

Ah, yes, the great philosopher Immanuel "Short-Fruit" pKant.

[i]for easy reach, and even small houses for families; of course they were all one story high. One day, the messenger goombas- also known as paragoombas-[/i]

Paragoombas have been clearly established throughout the Mario canon to be winged Goombas. Now, this means one of two things must be true:

1) Future Paradise doesn't know a bloody thing about the fandom he's writing for. (Though in fairness, the Paragoombas aren't the most famous of races; in the words of Immanuel pKant, "[i][b][color=#9400D3]Hell, I don't even know what a Paragoomba is either.[/color][/b][/i]" It's still an unforgivable research failure in any event.)

2) The "Great Goomba Galaxy" was a racist dystopia in which the entire race of Paragoombas was forced into the subservient position of being messengers for the crime of being born with wings.

[i]brought back some news. They heard of a creature named Bowser that was trying to take over the universe.[/i]

OF COURSE!

[i]We had nowhere to go, other than hope for a hero. That’s when Mario and Luigi came along. We were told that you saved a place called Mushroom Kingdom, ruled by Princess Peach, and home of Toads, from Boswer countless times.[/i]

Yeah, Mario, you show that evil Boswer who's boss!

...in the words of Immanuel pKant, "[i][b][color=#9400D3]His name isn't spelled 'Boswer', you moron.[/color][/b][/i]"

[i]We were also told about others such as Wario, DK, and Yoshi, and what they did. We were hoping for you to come and save us. Everybody was in a frantic panic, talking about each character- mainly Bowser, you, and Luigi. One day, the world was corrupting from panic, and that’s when it happened.”[/i]

I feel like I'm reading in circles that spin around and around and make me read the same thing over and over in circles around and around.

Also, this doesn't even begin to make sense. They heard Bowser wanted to take over the universe (OF COURSE!), so they learned about Mario and Luigi, who came to save them from Bowser, which made them afraid of Bowser, which created the panic that caused the problem in the first place and oh dear I've gone all cross-eyed.

[i]Mario has his eyes fixed on the little fellow, nodding as if to say “go on.”
The green goomba continued, “suddenly, everybody looked up at something in the sky. It was a purple comet.[/i]

Well, let's hope it's a timed mission, because the untimed ones? Incredibly boring. Give me Luigi's Purple Coins or that one in the Boneyard over that horrible Sea Slide level any day.

This really has nothing to do with the story; I'm just so bored that I'm trying to grab on to any other available topic. And can you blame me, when the source material is a hideous wall of text like this:

[i]It came closer to us then stopped. Everybody was still thinking about the character they were discussing. Then, the unexpected happened. The comet blew up, knocking everybody to the ground, including myself. I, and everybody else, fainted. I guess it was about three minutes later when I woke up. The sky was yet again clear. I thought it was just a cosmic explosion or some sort, until I looked around.”
He paused for a moment, then continued, “everybody was in different colors- like the ones in this picture. That’s when I saw myself green, because I was thinking about Luigi. I got up and ran inside my house. I cot a camera, and climbed on top of my house. Once on top, I took a picture of everyone- which is the picture in front of us. Then, something strange happened. Each of us, one by one, were disappearing. I had no clue where everyone was going. Then, I disappeared, with my camera still in hand. I appeared on a world filled with green, and other green goombas. That’s when I was told by green look-alike Bowser that I had arrived in Luigiworld. I was to serve Luigi, and Luigi only. I was told to hate others. I was also told to learn about Luigi based off the world, and to fit to his needs whenever he came to Luigiworld. And so I worked there for what is now two years. The green Boswer told us that he wasn’t formed in any way like us- he was a cosmic spirit. When the planet was born, so was he. That’s why he has authority over us. He told us one day that he found a portal to the world you’re from. He wanted to claim it for Luigi- but he thought it was unsafe, so we took the Mushroom Flyer- where I placed my picture. Others brought there’s, from where the Mushroom Flyer was used around the galaxy. All you had to do was call for it. Then we arrived at your world through a different portal, the one at the platform. Now, we’re here.”
Mario quickly questioned, “then why are there rainbow and white goombas?”
“Those were the goombas that were asleep. The rainbow is our original color.[/i]

tl;dr: A big explosion happened that painted everyone the color of their favorite Mario character and sucked them into a slave world where they must obey that character. And yet it was still a step up in society for the Paragoombas.

tl;dr of tl;dr: The green Goombas obey Luigi because the plot device made them.

By the way, if you don't believe me about Goomba society being a dystopia, look at the name of their world. "Great Goomba Galaxy"? Why don't you just call it "Goomba's Republic of Goomba" while you're at it? And as for the racism, well:

[i]The white means that they’re mentally ill, also known as albino. They transform into giant monsters that will destroy you if threatened.”
The two stood in silence.[/i]

...a stunned silence at the idea that the Goomba would say something so unspeakably racist, I'm assuming.

[i]Everyone seemed to had been listening.
“We’re almost at Luigiworld,” the look-alike said.
Mario looked up out of the windows- the eyes of the Mushroom Flyer. He saw a huge, lush, green world ahead.[/i]

Oh, nope, it's just an awkward way to end the wall-of-text exposition.

Now, having reached the end of the [s]chapter[/s] infodump that Future Paradise claimed would redeem all the flaws of the first chapter and cure meningitis, I can say with certainty that all aspects of this story are awful and should be ignored. The prose sounds more like an IKEA catalog than anything poetic, the story begins with solid boring and progresses from there to a boring anticlimax and a boring wall of exposition, the plot is lazy, the characters have no personalities, and absolutely everyone keeps repeating themselves and rephrasing what they just said and saying the same things over and over again.

Future Paradise may not be as incurable in his awfulness as Clause, but he still has a long way to go before he'll be able to post anything that won't burn my eyes out of their sockets.

[Catterjune]

[quote]Basically, I'm just trying to say that the beginning won't make sense until later on. That's my style right there. ;D [/quote]

It's not that the story didn't make sense, it's that the story was bad. Crab Helmet pretty much hit the nail on the head in this regard.

A boring castle where nothing happens, then suddenly Luigi is given an army he doesn't really need, then we hear useless plot exposition. My thinking was "they obey Luigi because the plot says they do" and.. you pretty much confirmed that except replacing "plot" with "comet", except the comet is also a useless plot device.

In short, no one is gonna care about a boring castle where nothing goes on, and there appears to be very little interest in the whole "army that obeys Luigi because they obey Luigi".

[Anti-Apocryphal]

@Crab- Well, I'm new at writing. I can't get everything correct. Although I do +rep you for taking the time to review this with detail. It'll be considered later on.
@Twig- For some reason, only the first few sentences of your spoiler will show up. I can't read the rest. =/
@Pika- You're just pretty much summarizing Crab, aren't you? [s]NO EFFORT![/s] And I hoped that the comet would clear things up- obviously it didn't.

@Twig (again)- If you can PM me the stuff in the spoiler, that'd be great.


I thank everyone for taking their time to review/critique this story. It will give me a stronger foundation for future chapters & books, or other series. I will hope to get chapter three posted in two days, it's only 1/4 done. It only has to do with arriving to Luigiworld.

[CrabHelmet]

[quote name='Future Paradise' timestamp='1302050802' post='5117359']And I hoped that the comet would clear things up- obviously it didn't.[/quote]

Pay attention:

[quote name='PikaPerson01' timestamp='1302042825' post='5117049']It's not that the story didn't make sense, it's that the story was bad.[/quote]

There's nothing unclear about the story. (Well, except for maybe why the first green Goomba Mario encountered was like, "Oh, hey, it's Mario, the beloved brother of my lord and master Luigi who I know from my obsession with the Mario story would never wish him to come to any harm and who I know is an expert at squashing Goombas. I think I'll try to kill him.") We're not misunderstanding your masterpiece. Your masterpiece just sucks.

[Anti-Apocryphal]

And I can understand that. If you don't like it- that's fine. As long as I like it, I'll continue to write it. I may not be the best writer/author in the world, but (even though I fail) I do try.







@Twig- Thanks for sending it.

[evilfusion]

Since I have no interest in beating a dead horse, I won't critique it.

You may not be the best, but the people criticizing you actually have good advice mixed in their statements. Rather than justify yourself with "I'm not that good", follow some of their advice to improve. Improvement may be gradual, but taking the effort will look better than combatting criticism with "Well, I like it and I'm a beginner".

If something is bad, either it needs to improve fast or someone needs a superhuman amount of effort to proceed. I've seen at least one story that started out fairly terrible, but turned out to get really good later on, and some areas of the beginning was later patched up. But if you refuse to fix the errors people point out, both present and future, then you will always be self-righteously bad.

[Anti-Apocryphal]

It's just something I have to grow into- it won't happen overnight.

[Catterjune]

[quote]@Pika- You're just pretty much summarizing Crab, aren't you?[/quote]
... To be fair, I said something similar to Crab before he/she/it/they did. The story builds no tension, or immediately squashes the small built of tension it had built. One could easily draw the conclusion I thought it was bad. Granted, I didn't do it in a "dissect every line of the story"-kind of way or with really any demonstration of the basics of English language, but the sentiments remained unchanged.

[Anti-Apocryphal]

[b]Update[/b]- Chapter three won't be up until the weekend due to some inconvieniences.

[CrabHelmet]

[quote name='Future Paradise' timestamp='1302133889' post='5119224']
[b]Update[/b]- Chapter three won't be up until the weekend due to some inconvieniences.
[/quote]
Oh no. What will your adoring fanbase ever do. How will the legions of readers ever survive.

Posts like these are more necessary if people who care actually exist.

[Anti-Apocryphal]

I just thought I'd post it seeing as you're reviewing it. And you never know- there might be a guest that actually likes this.

[Pichu]

[spoiler=Pichu's Reviews 2: The Power of One-{Mario & Luigi-Lost In Space: Remake}]
Guess who's back? Pichu! Pichu's Reviews are back and never better! Let's start shall we?

[b]Over the pass years I've been on YCM, many member have started to review Fan Fictions. Ranging from the crappy ones to Crab Helmet's Foe Fiction. Then I started the reviewing too. Many hate mails and what-not drove me away from YCM. But now I've returned. Let's review![/b]

My first review will be on [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/244869-mario-luigi-lost-in-space-remake/"]Mario & Luigi-Lost In Space[Remake][/url] by [url="http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/user/205642-future-paradise/"]Future Paradise.[/url] Now let's start out good!

[i][b]Prelude[/b][/i]

So much for the good start... Did you mean Prologue?

[i]In the world of Mario & Luigi, many live. A vast amount of creatures roam the worlds, minding to their own business. Everything is peaceful[/i]

Since when is Mario peaceful? The fat dragon is always stealing the princess from the plumber...

[i]- until Bowser tries to take over everything, but is always stopped by Mario and company. Bowser then gives up until he devises another plan.
Now, Mario and company are back at home in the Mushroom Kingdom ruled by Princess Peach.[/i]

Oh God... Peach ruling where you live..... HELL

[i]Nothing is out-of-the-ordinary. Currently, it’s late winter, with temperatures at record lows- 32 degrees below normal. The snow is falling at a blinding rate. Several feet have built up. Many people are safe in Peach’s castle.[/i]

Safe... in Peach's Castle. [insert lauging crowd here]

[i]Mario is sitting in the Princess’s bedroom, watching her fall asleep.[/i]

Stalker plumber from Hell.

[i]Little he knows what is to happen next...[/i]

YES! The torture is over! Wait. There's chapters to this. F***!

[u][i]Chapter 1- Let The Goombas Lead The Way[/i][/u]

[i]As he watches Peach fall asleep,[/i]

Still a stalker....

[i]the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario, glances outside. The dark night makes the snow hard to see. Mario reflects back on how many times he has saved the Princess. Countless times, Mario thinks.[/i]

Hint, Hint, fat plumber. Maybe the princess whats the dragon instead of a plumber who.... has really let himself go....

[i]After a couple more minutes of watching Peach, Mario decides to leave her to herself. He exits out of her room, closing the door behind himself. He starts down the hallway.[/i]

Thank God! Now the princess dosen't have to worry about that creppy plumber staring at her.

[i]Late at night, hardly anyone is out. He spots Toadsworth going to the bathroom,[/i]

No he didn't. Mario characters don't use the bathroom! When was the last game you saw a bathroom.
.....chirp.....chirp....chirp....
That's what I thought.

[i]a Toad walking with a snack, and another Toad asleep on the floor. Mario looks up at the pictures on the wall- nothing but Mushroom Kingdom. Once he reaches the stairs, he turns and makes his way down.
Once downstairs, Mario is only a few feet from his destination- Toad’s Cafe. Toad’s Cafe is a cafeteria filled with counters that have everything from breakfast to dessert. The cafeteria is one of the biggest rooms in the castle- with over one hundred 50x20 tables, and over three thousand chairs.[/i]

Toad's Cafe! Coming to [b]YOUR[/b] city soon!

[i]Mario enters, finding only about eight others scattered in the room. He walks over to a pizza counter and looks inside. He finds something small, round-ish, and green head first wiggling in the back. He begins to make his order.
“I would like to order,” he begins. But then he freezes.
The green thing turns around and sees Mario. It’s a goomba.[/i]

Not it's not! Only Yoshis, Koopa Shells, Luigi, Mr. L, and Link can be green! Not Goombas!

[i]Never before has Mario seen a goomba any other color but brown. But before Mario can move, the goomba attacks. Just before it knocks over Mario, something goes right by his head and strikes the goomba- a hammer. Mario turns to find his brother, Luigi, standing there.[/i]

Because all brothers follow their brothers around with a hammer. Perfectly normal, right?

[i]“There’s more of them around,” starts Luigi, “and I know where they’re coming from. Remember the pipes in the basement? I found a portal there leaking them out. I came to get you to help me stop them.”
“Well, it’s probably just Bowser again,” states Mario. “We can easily finish this.”
With that, the bros. took off running. Mario stops, then Luigi with a questioning look on his face.
“Why are we stopping?” he asks.
“We have to make sure the Princess if safe!” Mario exclaims.
Mario bolts upstairs to Peach’s room- open.[/i]

Remember kids. You are never safe in Peach's castle. There is always a chubby dragon and his children stalking you there.

[i]Oh no, Mario thinks. He runs in to find her gone. “Peach!”[/i]

Remember, always safe!

[i]“Bro, she might have been taken by the goombas, come on!” exclaims Luigi, half-way down the stairs.[/i]

How? They have like..... no hands... just sides.

[i]Mario and Luigi sprint down to the basement door. They stand there, then Mario busts open the door. The sight is a nightmare.
The room is half-full of green goombas. There must be at least three hundred of them. What comes through the portal next is horrific. A thing that looks like Bowser- just four times bigger- comes out. It’s also green and has a symbol on it’s stomach. It’s a circle that has a big “L” with the text “W O R L D” underneath. It lets out a mighty scream and points at Mario.[/i]

See kids. Here's the dragon. A green one! Puff the Magic Dragon!

[i]It then speaks.
“Get Mario!”
The goombas obey. They begin until Luigi leaks his emotions.
“No, don’t hurt him, please, he’s all I’ve got!”[/i]

"Because that princess that wears orange means nothing to me!"

[i]The goombas instantaneously freexe in place.
“Oh,” Mario lets out, “they listen to you.”
Before Luigi can start, one of the many goombas come forward and interrupts.
“Of course we do, he’s our leader.”[/i]

Wow. Major Plot Twist! I like plot twists. If only this one didn't happen so early in the story.

[i]“Leader of what?” questions Mario.
With a long look on his face, the goomba explains, “Of Luigiworld, the planet in the galaxy next to Marioland. You should know, you’re the leader of Marioland.”
At this surprise, Mario lifts his eyebrows. He looks over to his brother, who is in shock. Mario thinks to himself, Galaxy? Luigiworld? Marioland? Green goombas? None of this makes sense. We’ll have to see for ourselves.[/i]

[s]Marioland is the same shape as Starship Mario and Luigiland is shaped like a Weegee head![/s]

[i]“Well then, let’s go,” says Mario.
The green look-alike Bowser agrees. He begins, “since we only listen to Luigi, it’s his decision.”
All eyes go to Luigi. He nods.
“Then go through that portal,” says the look-alike.
The bros. walk to the portal, then go in. The goombas and look-alike follow.
But just then, the portal closes.[/i]

Now they are dead! But there's another chapter, dammit!

We this is it guys. Good job Paradise! And I'm not just saying that!
Stay tuned for more reviews guys!
[/spoiler]

[Anti-Apocryphal]

I'm not sure whether to thank you or not...anyways, chapter 3 is almost complete. It'll be up soon.