rolling girl~ (3)

[Clair]

[center]Hey there, YCM! As you probably (don't) know, I'm a huge fan of Vocaloids, so I decided to create a fanfiction based on some of my favorite songs by them, mainly [b]Rolling Girl[/b], amongst others.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8WCE00OuZo&feature=related

The characters are all from Vocaloid, and I don't own them. So don't sue me.
Thank you for reading, and I hope that even if you don't like Vocaloid, you'll give this fic a chance![/center]

[spoiler=01]
[b]lonely girl[/b]

[i]“A lonely girl
is always in my dream
that never will be coming true…”[/i]

With a loud sigh, Miku Hatsune reached across her cluttered nightstand to shut off her alarm radio, the lyrics to her favorite song still reverberating in her mind. She let the blissful silence of the dawn whisk her away to sleep once again.

[b]~[/b]

“Oh no, oh no, oh no…”

What looked to be a teal rocket was zooming around the house, snatching anything it could find: a hairbrush, a stale muffin from the pantry, textbooks…

It was safe to say that Miku Hatsune was late for class.

Having allowed herself an extra hour of sleep, Miku had woken to the sounds of the local school bus screeching away from her corner. This propelled the slender girl into a frenzy of action. In a matter of minutes, the panicked teen had slipped on black leggings and a skirt-top, well on her way to eating a hurried breakfast. With all the speed and efficiency of a wild tornado, Miku crafted her obscenely long, teal locks into her signature twin tails… all while stuffing a raisin bran muffin down her throat. Spraying a shower of perfume onto herself (to hide the fact that she hadn’t taken a shower), Miku grabbed her books and zipped out the door into a brave, new day, loose papers fluttering to the ground behind her.

Ah, the morning routine of a tardy Miku Hatsune, such a miraculous sight to behold!

[b]~[/b]

Class was about to start at Crypton High.

Teacher Hiyama Kiyoteru was clearing his throat, ready to launch into the day’s lesson as the rest of the class chatted amicably with one another. The sharp tone of the first period bell sounded, and the students immediately froze and swiveled towards their [i]sensei[/i] in an unbridled show of good behavior.

“Good morning, students. Today we are going to meet-“

Hiyama suddenly cut his greeting short and the entire class began to hold in giggles, snort, and roll their eyes in shame. They could all hear the rapid [i]pit-pat[/i] of steps echoing down the hallway like distant thunder. The whispers started to spread around the classroom like verbal wildfire, conveying one, very clear message.

[i]Miku Hatsune was late again.[/i]

Right on cue, the thunderstorm of footfalls concluded as the aforementioned girl cracked the door open and hustled to her seat, as quietly and as swiftly as possible.

Or at least, she [i]tried[/i] to.

As Miku was making her way towards her desk in the front of the class (amid much giggling and whispering), Kaito Shion, a “self-proclaimed chick magnet” stuck his foot out from underneath his desk, right in her path. The results were catastrophic.

Miku’s books went flying everywhere, and all of the loose papers that had been sandwiched in between their pages exploded forth from their dusty prisons like a flock of white birds. Miku tripped and landed sloppily on her knees, her leggings torn.

“Everybody, please settle down!” Hiyama was at the front of the room, waving his arms helplessly, but they proved ineffective tools for order. Everybody was too busy laughing at the daily “late girl” and the usual antics that accompanied her. Miku looked up at Kaito helplessly, and the blue-haired golden boy simply flicked hair out of his eyes, which happened to be flashing with gaiety.

“Oops…” he said innocently, turning around to bump fists with his “brother” Gakupo, who was laughing like a rabid hyena.

Amidst the chaos, the broken girl gritted her teeth and slowly stood up, her knees shaking. The entire class fell silent, as if a gag had been placed in each of their mouths. Miku gazed at Kaito sadly, and he licked his lips piggishly in return, inciting a fresh round of snorts from Gakupo. The entire class let out bated breath with sighs of disappointment as Miku simply sat down in her seat, books and papers organized haphazardly in front of her. Hiyama was not pleased.

“Kaito Shion, what was the meaning of tripping Miku-san?” he snapped. Kaito shrugged airily, causing several girls to swoon silently in his wake.

“I don’t know, sensei. I was just stretching my legs out and she tripped over me,” he explained slowly, as several of his classmates nodded silently in agreement with him.

“Bu- all right…” Hiyama conceded, and Kaito immediately flashed a winning grin. Hiyama completely ignored him, and instead focused on the tealette in the front row.

“Miku-san, are you okay? Do you need to see Lola-san for bandages?” he asked, concern furrowing his brow. When Miku shook her head ‘no’, his frown of concern was immediately replaced by one of disapproval.

“Miku Hatsune, this has been the fifth time you’ve arrived late to my class, and the term has barely started! Can you explain to me why you cannot get here on time?”

Her face reddening, Miku shook her head again, triggering giggles that were immediately snuffed out by Hiyama’s fiery glare. His gaze did not stop the covert whispers fluttering about the room, however.

[i]“I bet she’s always late because she’s dreaming of Kaito-sama…”
“I bet she’s always late because she takes actual time to dry that carpet she calls a hairstyle.”
“I bet she’s late because she’s horny as hell and needs to finger herse-“[/i]

“Enough!” barked Hiyama from the front of the room, causing a wide-eyed Gakupo to nearly fall from his seat. “What Miku-san does is none of our business! Respect her privacy, please!” The class fell into an ominous silence once again as Hiyama fixed his gaze once again on a furiously blushing Miku.

“Do not be late again,” he said simply. “Understood?”

“Y-yes, Kiyoteru-sensei…” came the shaky reply.

“Good. As I was saying, today we are going to meet-“ Hiyama rubbed his temples furiously as a sudden knock sounded at the door, interrupting his train of thought for the second time. The entire class glanced at Miku, and then back at the door.

[i]Miku was already here, so…[/i]

The class began to titter with excitement as Hiyama called, “Come in!”

The door swung open, and the class fell silent. Hiyama broke into a huge smile and pointed at the confused girl who was standing in the doorway.

“Aha! Today, students, we are going to welcome a new student! Care to introduce yourself, Megurine-san?”

The girl framed in the doorway looked around the classroom placidly. The males of the class were busy ogling her tall, slender figure and sexy dress, and the females were already pointing to her noticeably pink hair. Amidst this viewing, however, one teal-haired girl sat in the front row, hastily shoving papers back into her worn textbooks. The new girl looked interestedly at her before smiling out over the awestruck people of "Room Hiyama".

“Good morning. My name is Luka Megurine.”
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=02]
[b]voices[/b]

After the general tittering of the class had subsided somewhat, Hiyama got down to introduction basics. The generic questions shot out of his mouth like machine-gun fire, and Luka answered every one, with a patient smile shining on her face.

[i]“I come from the West, in America.”
“Yes, I speak both Japanese and English.”
“I like to sing and create artwork.”[/i]

The entire class listened to the pinkette speak with rapt attention, and rolled their eyes whenever Hiyama asked a particularly basic query. Miku stole a chance glance at Kaito and Gakupo. Not surprisingly, the duo had drool dripping out of their mouths; too busy absorbing all of Luka’s luscious features to listen to her talk. Miku’s face reddened as she realized that [i]every[/i] boy in the class now had their eyes trained on Luka, as if they were listening to a sergeant give attack orders. The girls of “Room Hiyama” looked positively miffed. Miku giggled to herself when Rin Kagamine, irked by her twin’s zombie-esque stare, poked him sharply in the side. Len Kagamine, the brother in question, let out a miniscule squeak of shock and seemed to return to his normal state. However, Rin could not save every boy from the presence of the new student. They had all been utterly seduced by Luka’s exotic charm. As Luka finished her questioning session with Hiyama, Miku could have sworn she heard widespread male panting from around the class.

[i]Ugh, the guys in this class are sick…[/i]

“Uh, Kiyoteru-sensei, where do I sit?”

Luka’s question snapped the class out of its collective trance. The boys began to shift restlessly in their seats, hoping that the newfound goddess would be occupying a desk around them. Kaito whispered something to Gakupo, who chuckled and moved back a seat, leaving room for an “unknown” occupant. Hiyama looked around the room confusedly before excitedly pointing at Miku. As Miku’s eyes widened in surprise, she heard Hiyama say exuberantly, “You may sit next to Miku-san!”

There was a collective uproar from the entire class.

“No, not her!” both the Kagamine twins shouted simultaneously. Kaito screamed and clutched his heart, stabbing himself with an imaginary dagger. Gakupo tried to emulate his partner-in-crime, but ended up falling out of his desk in the process. Miku blushed and put her head in her arms ashamedly. Suddenly, just as fast as he had fallen, Kaito popped up from the floor and cupped his hands around his mouth.

[b]“Rolling girl! Rolling girl!”[/b]

The entire class soon joined in on the insidious mantra, shouting Miku’s unfortunate nickname with all their might. Gakupo added to the chaos by clapping his hands to the rhythm of the chant, causing the room to fall to absolute pandemonium. In the front of the room stood one Megurine Luka, looking more confused than ever. Suddenly, there was a loud and audible [i]crack[/i].

“Shut up!”

The class ceased all noise and froze in place, as if time had stopped. Hiyama stood in front of the room, breathing hard, his face red with rage. In his shaking hands, he held a shattered pointer. Kaito slowly sat down, and Gakupo soon followed. In the midst of this sudden resolution, Luka quickly and unceremoniously took her seat next to the quaking heap that was Miku. Hiyama’s eyebrow twitched as he slowly smoothed back his spiky, brown hair.

“Kaito… Gakupo… office. [i]Now[/i].”

Putting on a sickening show of martyrdom, the two accused slowly pulled themselves out of their respective desks and sauntered guiltily out the door, taking the sympathies of the class with them. Upon his exit, Kaito slipped a note to a surprised Luka, who was too busy gazing sadly at Miku. An oblivious Hiyama failed to notice the covert exchange, but that didn’t stop him from turning to lecture the class.

“You all are sick. Why do you continue to bully this girl, even if she has done nothing wrong? Miku-san, just like you, is a student, and you [i]will[/i] respect her. If I see any of you even cast a dirty look in her direction, I’ll-“

“It’s a-alright, Kiyoteru-sensei…”

Stopped in the middle of his rant, Hiyama looked at the person he was trying to protect surprisingly. A tearful Miku gazed back up at him, wiping her eyes slowly.

“Please… I-I don’t want to waste class time anymore…” she whispered quietly. Hiyama’s expression softened and he looked over at his class, the verbal executioners of Miku Hatsune.

“Alright, you guys. Lunch.”

As the class disassembled, they all were expecting Luka to follow them to the cafeteria. However, the pinkette seemed frozen in place, just [i]staring[/i] at Miku. Shrugging their shoulders, the members of Room Hiyama left without their rising star. She would learn the school’s caste system soon enough.

[i]I must not cry. I must not cry![/i]

Miku screamed silently into her arms, willing her mind to do what she asked. She felt a single tear leak out from beneath her lids despite her wishes, and nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt a soft hand touch the top of her head. As Miku’s head whipped upwards, she caught the scent of fruity perfume in her nose, the scent of a certain new student. Luka leaped backwards in shock, cursing quietly as she banged into a desk in her surprise, promptly falling on her derriere. Hiyama looked up from his lunch with a bemused expression, but decided to let the interaction continue.

“O-oh! I’m sorry Luka-san! I didn’t mean to scare you!” Miku ran over to help the new student up. Luka laughed as she took Miku’s hand, gracefully pulling herself to her feet.

“I should be the one apologizing… nice to meet you, by the way. What’s your name?” she asked casually, as the teal-haired girl stared at her shoes in embarrassment.

“M-miku. Miku Hatsune.”

“That’s a nice name… Hey, I have a question for you.” Luka said calmly, grinning a bit as Miku’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Why does everybody seem to hate you?”

Hiyama’s eyebrows perked up, and Miku looked down at her feet again. Her mouth cracked open like a dam, and words began to pour forth.

“B-before I answer that, may I ask you a question?” Miku asked hopefully. It was Luka’s turn to look surprised. “Shoot.”

“Um… what did Kaito give you… You know, on that paper?” she queried, blushing furiously.

“Oh, this?” Luka held the paper aloft, as if it was tainted with something foul. “This is just his telephone number…”

Miku gasped as Luka ripped Kaito’s gift to shreds, carefully throwing the silvers of paper in the waste bin.

“Y-you realize that any girl would give anything for a date with Kaito-san? He’s the most popular guy in this school, and-“

The tealette blushed anew as Luka placed a finger to her lips.

“Most men are pigs,” the new student whispered, giggling. Extracting a tissue from her pocket, Luka dabbed at Miku’s watery eyes gently, oblivious to the girl’s embarrassment.

[i]You’re an interesting girl, Miku Hatsune.[/i]

“Now… why does everybody seem to hate you, Miku-san?”

Hiyama paid close attention from the back of the class as Miku hesitantly began to explain the origins of the Rolling Girl, Luka listening with a captivated focus.
[/spoiler]
[spoiler=03]
[b]breathing again[/b]

Hiyama Kiyoteru groaned inwardly to himself as he strode out of the classroom, per request of one Miku Hatsune. He trusted the timid girl with all his heart, but often wondered how she put up with her classmates’ daily assaults without tearing herself apart. Wearily putting his head in his hands, Hiyama leaned up against the wall, rubbing his eyes.

[i]Why won’t you let me help you, Miku-san? A classroom shouldn’t be a torture chamber… for anybody.[/i]

[b]~[/b]

“I-I’m sorry, Luka-san. It’s just really hard to tell people…”

Miku stared a hole into the floor as she talked, Luka’s reassuring arm draped over her slender shoulder.

“Tell me whenever you’re ready, Miku,” Luka murmured patiently, trying to soothe her newfound friend. “If the story is too painful for you, then I won’t force the issue.”

They were alone in the classroom now. Miku looked towards the door to ensure that not a soul was listening, and turned shakily back towards Luka. She gritted her teeth, and the story poured forth like water from a shattered dam.

“W-well, I was a freshman at Crypton High. I had never been to a Japanese school before, so I was really excited on that first day. I met all sorts of different people, with so many different personalities…” Miku’s voice trailed off as she gazed off into the distance wistfully, recalling memories of a brighter past. Then her expression clouded over, and the Rolling Girl looked down at the floor again.

“Th-then, I met [i]him[/i]… Kaito Shion…” Miku shook her head sadly and gazed up at Luka with an expression that almost made the pinkette’s heart melt with sympathy.

“He was really nice at first!” Miku said quickly, waving her arms defensively. “All the girls seemed to like him… he was always surrounded by them…” She drifted off into her past again, seemingly unaware of reality.

“Then… he started passing notes to me, saying… saying…”

Luka was unprepared as Miku suddenly pitched forward into her arms, clinging to the new student as if she were an oversized teddy bear. Tears began to fall forth from Miku’s eyes, and Luka tried her best to comfort her, stroking her hair gently. Miku sniffled, and then said in a whisper:

“The notes s-said… [i]I love you[/i].”

“And I thought he did. He always made time for me, and gave me so many chances to make new friends with all the connections that he had. It wasn’t long before we were the item of Crypton High…” Miku muttered bitterly, still clinging to Luka’s shoulder. “I was popular… I was really living the teenage dream.”

Miku’s gaze hardened suddenly and she let go of Luka, shaking her head.

“How [i]stupid[/i] I was!” she blurted, making Luka gasp in surprise. “He never loved me like he said he did…” Miku let out a harsh, strangled laugh and took a deep breath, prompting the pinked-haired confidant to gently pat her friend on the back.

“O-one night… we were on our way back from a movie… and he said his car ran out of gas… so we had to walk home…”

Luka frowned. She had a sinking feeling in her chest, and she almost wanted to tell Miku to stop. But the Rolling Girl was [i]rolling[/i], and Luka wasn’t about to stop her diatribe.

“We were passing through the city, and walking past all these scary alleyways,” Miku recalled, shivering at the imagery of the moment. “A-and I said I was scared…”

Miku blushed furiously and looked anywhere but Luka’s concerned face. “So he took my hand and led me into one of the alleyways… Kaito-san said he wanted me to see that there was nothing to be afraid of. I trusted him completely, so I followed him,” Miku claimed, with an air of gullibility about her. Tears began to well up in the corners of her aquamarine eyes and Luka wrapped her arms slowly around her friend, bracing Miku as well as herself for what was to come.

“And we g-got into the alleyway, and… and… he pushed me up against the wall… and then he made…”

Miku began to sob, the pain of her memories smashing through her shaky composure. She could do nothing but lay helplessly in Luka’s arms. The two girls stayed locked steadfastly in that position of comfort. After what seemed like an eternity, Miku dabbed at her eyes quickly and looked at Luka expressionlessly, catching the pinkette by surprise.

“He made me do things I didn’t want to do, so I broke up with him… and that’s when all hell broke loose for me,” Miku murmured sadly. “All the girls already hated me because they thought I [i]stole[/i] Kaito from them, and all the guys made fun of me because they thought that I had used Kaito. Kaito, Kaito, Kaito…” she grumbled in defeat. “It always circulated back to him, because he wears a mask of absolute purity that he allows everybody to see. A-and Kaito himself said that if I told anybody about the alleyway incident, there would be hell to pay. And I already have my own personal hell, in this classroom… Eventually, he began calling me the [b]rolling girl[/b], because I always rolled with the punches that people threw at me… never fighting back.”

Luka’s eyes widened in surprise. “So, have you told anybody important about this?” she asked eagerly, grasping Miku’s arm. Her excited expression turned to one of sheer disbelief as the tealette simply shook her head ‘no’.

“Well, why the hell not?” Luka exclaimed indignantly, eliciting a look of surprise from her tormented friend. “You need to do something about this… you need to tell Kiyoteru-sensei or somebody right away! A sweet girl like you shouldn’t have to go through with this every day!”

She paused for Miku’s response, which came after a couple moments of staring at the floor. Miku gritted her teeth and smiled at Luka.

“If I have your support, Luka-san… I’ll tell Kiyoteru-sensei tomorrow. I-I think I can do it…” Miku let out a surprised squeak as Luka hugged her tightly. “L-Luka-san?”

“Thank you for telling me your story, Miku. I know how difficult it must have been, but now it’s time for you to stop rolling and stand your ground. And I’ll be there to back you up,” she whispered. Miku nodded and grinned up at the taller girl. Luka truly was a godsend, and Miku was unconditionally grateful to have the pinkette on her side. Both girls stood up to stretch, and Luka smiled at her friend.

“Come on, let’s go get some lunch. I’ll share my bento with you and we can talk some more. Oh, and Miku?”

Miku looked up in surprise, fleetingly distracted from the happy thoughts that had evaded her in Room Hiyama for far too long. “Yes, Luka-s-“

Before she could finish her inquiry, Luka put a finger to her lips and shushed the confused girl.

“Please… drop the honorifics. I secretly really hate them and all, no offense. Just call me Luka,” she giggled, winking. Miku puffed her cheeks in irritation and poked Luka sharply in the side, making the new student gasp in surprise.

“You really worried me with your serious tone and all that, Luuuuka!” the tealette exclaimed accusingly. A bright smile lighting up her face like a flame rekindled, Miku began to chase her best friend down the hall, who was laughing all the way to the lunchroom.

Leaning up against the wall, watching his two classmates finally head off to their much-needed reprieve, Hiyama grinned.

[i]Miku… maybe it’s finally time to stop rolling.[/i]
[/spoiler]


[center]Love/hate/burn it with fire, idc.

I'm going to keep writing this until I get bored.[/center]

[.Starrk]

Damn Straight. Great first chapter. ;D

[Saturn of Elemia]

LOL I like it so far. Got me laughing quite a bit. Always gotta love the anime late girl.

Poor Miku. I honestly don't see why the girls think Kaito is suck a 'chick magnet' when he acts like a total douchebag.

I cannot wait to see more of this.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Loveable lead character, check (and well done on portraying her, even though you said they are characters from existing show, her character was well described to someone who didn't know her through her actions, rather than just saying she is disorganised, etc.)

Despicable hateable character, yep (and done, again, in such a blissfully simple way, by making him one of those jerk jock types)

Cliffhanger ending, not really IMO.

Action is well detailed, character desription not so much. It's late here and I'm speed reading, so simply by glancing over the word 'him', I for some reason assumed the teacher was female, as there was no description of his appearance at all.

Delightful reading none the less.

[Fusion X. Denver]

I don't know Vocaloids much, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
Hope you continue with this, it'd be cool to see Miku find her way out of the worst high school has to offer.

[Clair]

Hey, thanks for all of the reviews, guys. I honestly didnt expect many for a VOCALOID fic. xD

I'll try not to disappoint you in the upcoming chapters. ;D

[Blake]

I liked it ^^ I'll be waiting for more.

[Emre Turk]

It's an okay story in my opinion. It hooks you and makes you keep on reading and the similes are great! However, not enough vocabulary is used, you appear to have great writing skill, so why not just pick up a thesaurus? ^.^

[Fusion X. Denver]

She could, but you want to be careful. Some readers may not have as much of a vocabulary and may be mystified by the words and not understand anything. Plus, sometimes when one uses a thesaurus, they tend to use the words wrongly. As long as it's not overly simplistic, she's probably fine.

[---------------]

Five Green Onions out of Five.

[Clair]

[quote name='Emre Turk' timestamp='1302608226' post='5132967']
It's an okay story in my opinion. It hooks you and makes you keep on reading and the similes are great! However, not enough vocabulary is used, you appear to have great writing skill, so why not just pick up a thesaurus? ^.^
[/quote]

Haha, I was focused on vocabulary throughout the chapter, but I'll try a little harder. ^^

Thank you for the reviews, guys! :[b][/b]D

[Gabriel Maeso]

AWESOME!!!! I read it about 5 hours ago and I'm still claping my hands!

[Yang Xiao-Long]

*In Kiyoteru voice*
"I give this 5 leeks out of 5 and a 100 on your English assignment. I can't wait to see more. Keep up the good work!"

I felt a bit weird because of my previous and current names xD

It's a great fan-fic, Miku-chan! ^^

[Blake]

[quote name='Hiyama Kiyoteru' timestamp='1302737709' post='5136342']
*In Kiyoteru voice*
"I give this 5 leeks out of 5 and a 100 on your English assignment. I can't wait to see more. Keep up the good work!"

I felt a bit weird because of my previous and current names xD

It's a great fan-fic, Miku-chan! ^^
[/quote]
I thought about that as I read it xD

[Clair]

[quote name='Gabriel Maeso' timestamp='1302644546' post='5133911']
AWESOME!!!! I read it about 5 hours ago and I'm still claping my hands!
[/quote]

It was that good, huh? xD

Thank you. ^^

[quote name='Hiyama Kiyoteru' timestamp='1302737709' post='5136342']
*In Kiyoteru voice*
"I give this 5 leeks out of 5 and a 100 on your English assignment. I can't wait to see more. Keep up the good work!"

I felt a bit weird because of my previous and current names xD

It's a great fan-fic, Miku-chan! ^^
[/quote]

Thanks, Kiyoteru-san!

Next chapter up soon!

[Clair]

New chapter.

Hopefully you guys will still like it. ^^;

[Yang Xiao-Long]

I'm really liking this, Miku-chan ^_^

I can't wait for the next chapter.

5 leeks out of 5 again ^^

[Fusion X. Denver]

Yeah, I liked the new chapter too. Kaito's a dickwad :T
Glad Miku's getting a break, Luka's chill.

[Quiksilver]

Gah! I wanted to know why the whole class hated her too. Awesome chapter and all, I like the way you write. But...since you cut it off before you explained the Rolling Girl thing, I will never forgive you.

Woot for Len Kagamine, even if it's only a passing reference. He's my favorite Vocaloid.

[Dark]

[spoiler=I promised...]
Despite Fenrir and I reviewing this in our thread, I made a promise that I would review this fanfiction with text as well. I may be reiterating some of the same points, but I wanted to do this, so here goes.

First, while I don't know anything about Vocaloids, it seems you are just fabricating a plot from a song. There is no actual plot to follow like there was for the Kingdom Hearts one we reviewed, because that was kind of copy/pasta + edit. As such, while you are right in saying some background knowledge about Vocaloids would help, I don't find it necessary. It seems really Anime-ish, and even if it's not, that is the closest I can get to describing it.

The story already starts out with a huge cliche. Never mind waking up late, I'll discuss that later. But I feel like starting a story with someone "waking up" has been done over and over again, and it gets stale after a while. Not to mention it reminds me of [i]Friday[/i], which saddens me. I understand you wanted to start out some place where you could transition into "school", but it feels overdone. You could have just as easily started when she walking out of her door, and it would have felt more original, and you had more room for description. You know, she missed her bus, she ran to school, blah blah blah. I feel you spent too much time trying to exemplify she woke up late, and you didn't properly describe the rest.

I feel all the similes and metaphors are superfluous at best. Some of them sounded great, but a few (teal rocket, tornado) seem entirely out of place. I don't remember where this was, but the white birds simile (or was it a metaphor...?) was beautiful, especially because it sounded natural. I think you are trying to pump figurative language into your fanfiction when things be described in other ways. Also, because fanfictions are more about character [i]development[/i] and not character description, it seems excess to make all these comparisons. If they sound great, it adds to your writing, but those don't sound great.

More cliches: papers flying out of the books. First of all, that would never actually happen in real life because most people grip their books tightly enough so that loose papers stay inside textbooks or binders. Second, I feel like any sane person would go back to get those papers. She's already late, so why would Miku want to lose an essay or some math homework? As I stated in the vocal review, you were trying to add tension to the first chapter, and I commend you for doing that. You just did it in the wrong way. The less cliches you use, the better, because it makes you sound original and it's not boring to the reader. If you gave me one random "plot progression" sentence of what I read so far, I could summarize the rest of it without ever reading it. It's predictable at best, and it's not interesting to a reader.

The next few paragraphs have fast plot progression, but a huge lack of description. You went straight from overusing similes to metaphors to progressing the plot. You could have described Miku running from her perspective, you could have further described the reaction of the class to her walking in, et cetera. It sounds like it would be filler, but considering the amount of description you've gotten me used to in the last few paragraphs, it wouldn't be filler, it would be normal.

It seemed like a very lazy job to described Kaito as the "chick magnet". From reading the rest of the chapter, it becomes obvious to the reader that he is a chick magnet. By giving him that title, it kind of nullifies any further description of him. That's like writing a story about me and calling me the "a[b][/b]sshole" of the story. Sure, it's fitting, but the reader is going to learn that anyways. It takes the thinking and analyzing out of reading, and because it wasn't hard to realize Kaito was a chick magnet, there would have been little thinking for the YCM population to do.

The "tripping" was probably the most memorable part of the chapter for me, because it gave us insight into Kaito's and Miku's character. It was the only point in the story when I wanted to keep reading, but that want was quickly subdued when the new girl came in and changed the focus. By the end of the second chapter when the flashback would have went back to what I wanted to know, I had already lost interest. I'm not saying you should have quickly went into flashback, but there was too much time in between the tripping and the flashback. There wasn't much plot progression, fine, but it will take over a chapter and a half for me to find out what happened, and you can bet I'll lose interest by that point in time.

I find it stupid that Miku is attracted to a guy like Kaito despite all the injuries he has caused her. It's either terrible anime logic and yet another cliche, or it's just a predictable plot twist. Either Kaito will eventually grow feelings for Miku, or Miku will give up on Kaito, and the correct option will become more obvious as the characters unfold. Maybe you'll throw in some twists and turns here or there, but it seems obvious what kind of relationship lies ahead for those two, and if I can see that far ahead, it's too predictable.

I think the teacher has a retarded personality. First he yells at Kaito for tripping Miku, then he tries to comfort Miku by asking her if she wants to go to the nurse, and then he yells at Miku for being late. Is this guy PMSing or something? You made him seem like he was two-faced, and couldn't choose a side quick enough. The fact that he yelled at Kaito [b]and[/b] tried to comfort Miku made it seem like he was an understanding teacher, but then his character flipped around? It didn't make much logical sense to me when I first read it, and it still doesn't.

Also, and I apologize for not mentioning this one or two paragraphs back, but the teacher gives into Kaito because he claims that Miku tripped over him? It makes the teacher seem stupid and unreliable, and I am wholly shocked that even though he knew Kaito intentionally tripped Miku, he did nothing about it. If you wanted the reader to hate the teacher this early in the story, it was a great success. And that's not really an insult to your writing; a lot of writers want people to hate a character. But I'm pretty sure the teacher was supposed to play a neutral role in the first chapter, and yet I hate him. We can all relate to teachers making incorrect decisions, and the fact that this teacher did not punish Kaito just shows how terrible he is.

Are you saying that he was able to stop whispers about her fingering herself, but he refused to do anything about the other whispers? I understand what you were going for, but it wasn't described clearly. You could have mentioned that the whispers got progressively louder, or that the last comment was made by Kaito or Gekupo (sp?) in an obnoxious voice, but it sounds like the teacher selectively chose which whispers to hear and which to ignore.

The second-to-last paragraph was probably the best in terms of amount of description. It was enough to give us a sense of who the new girl was (and it was added to in the second chapter), but not too much to be filler. The end of the chapter isn't memorable at all, but at least you found a good zone for how much description is good.

My fingers hurt now. I'm taking a five-minute intermission, checking my PMs, and I'll start chapter two after I'm done.
...for anyone reading this, that was probably a time lapse of two seconds for you.

Second chapter starts out a lot better. It gives a lot of shallow detail about the new girl, but it doesn't give much insight into actual character. She sounded like a mysterious character to begin with, so I like how we still don't know much about her, and chances are we won't for a while. Adding random characters, like Rin and Len, felt out of place. They could have remained unnamed until they became important, but you introduced us to them really early on, when they really had no purpose. Other than that, the intro seems fine, but nothing spectacular. I haven't actually wanted to read further except during that one point in chapter one, but I kind of have to.

Right before the bolded "rolling girl" statement, the paragraph before made no sense. Kaito stabbed himself, Gakupo also did but fell out of his seat, and Kaito got up from the ground? I think you wanted to reverse the first two names, because Kaito seems more likely to start the "rolling girl" chant.

Ugh, I honestly hate Miku's character. She seems so... fake. What happened to that brave girl we knew in the first chapter? What happened to the feeling of tension associated with her. It seems like such a swift change, and I can't really comprehend it. I could understand if she was pissed and maybe a bit sad, but the "I don't want to delay class" comment just tore me. It sounded so fake, and moreover, it sounded nothing like the Miku you tried showing us in the first chapter. It just doesn't connect.

It seems too blunt to ask someone "why everyone seems to hate them". Clair, why do all the male members on YCM want to have sex with you? It just doesn't work like that. I understand that the new girl (I refuse to try to remember her name and spell it correctly) wants to be comforting and reassuring, but it seems awkward to ask that in the middle of someone crying.

The rest of the chapter seems to be an uninteresting discussion between two of the main characters, doesn't provide any development, and is a terrible segue into a flashback. Again, I was interested earlier why nobody liked Miku. At this point, I've been so caught up in reading about the rest of the class and this new girl that my attention was diverted from that curiosity, and now it feels like just a flashback. Also, the new girl seems to be a terrible sexist. Not nice.

Final comments? All in all, the story was very well-written on the surface. The grammar was beautiful, the vocabulary was fine for the most part (some parts sounded strained to be "sophisticated"), and the story, for the most part, flowed decently. However, the story was infested with Anime cliches and terrible character development. It is better than most of the fanfics on YCM, but it suffers from some of the same problems. It's one thing to right an essay on an objective topic where fluidity and vocabulary are really all that is needed. It's another thing to try writing a story where character and plot development comes into play.

Another thing is that it was wholly uninteresting. Go to any Harry Potter book and start reading the first page or two. Regardless of whether you are into the series or have read the previous books, it makes you want to keep reading. For me, a few Harry Potter books keep that air of curiosity throughout the entire novel. Nothing in this fanfiction made me want to keep reading.

I won't apologize that my comments were harsh, because you know that I would never spend such time criticizing anyone else. I know that I'm not the most credible person to get English advice from, but I'd love to see people challenge my comments. Most of them aren't even opinions, to be quite frank.

Something I would like to mention is that every post so far on this fanfiction has been "5/5" or "good job", but never gave any criticism. That leads me to believe either the people who posted here are either giving Clair good rates because she's Clair, or never actually read the chapters. If Icyblue can force people in Custom Cards to give actual criticism and not bullshit posts, I'm shocked that the moderator of Fan Fiction can't force people to do the same.[/spoiler]

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

[quote name='Dark' timestamp='1303093999' post='5147296']
Long and detailed review.
[/quote]

You. Great review. Please read some of my fic and review, if you haven't done so in your and Fen's thing. Pretty please?

Don't know why I want to point this out because it makes me look butthurt about the 'everyone is giving Clair praise cuz it's Clair' comment, but I did pick up on some of the lack of description and action overall, whilst praising a charming writing style that was just kind of fun to read, if not gutwrenchingly gripping.

Don't know why I needed to say that but, meh.

There's a mod of fanfics?

[Fusion X. Denver]

[quote name='Bahamut ZERO' timestamp='1303095068' post='5147330']
There's a mod of fanfics?
[/quote]

There's a mod EVERYWHERE.
Sleep with the lights on...or the Kyubey will come and feast on your ignorance 0____0

[Clair]

[quote name='Clair' timestamp='1303093999' post='5147296']
[spoiler=Yo Darkeus]
Despite Fenrir and I reviewing this in our thread, I made a promise that I would review this fanfiction with text as well. I may be reiterating some of the same points, but I wanted to do this, so here goes.

[b]I really thank you for doing this... you didn't have to, but I'm really glad that you did![/b]

First, while I don't know anything about Vocaloids, it seems you are just fabricating a plot from a song. There is no actual plot to follow like there was for the Kingdom Hearts one we reviewed, because that was kind of copy/pasta + edit. As such, while you are right in saying some background knowledge about Vocaloids would help, I don't find it necessary. It seems really Anime-ish, and even if it's not, that is the closest I can get to describing it.

[b]Anime-ish? Could you go into a bit more detail? Is that good or bad? xD[/b]

The story already starts out with a huge cliche. Never mind waking up late, I'll discuss that later. But I feel like starting a story with someone "waking up" has been done over and over again, and it gets stale after a while. Not to mention it reminds me of [i]Friday[/i], which saddens me. I understand you wanted to start out some place where you could transition into "school", but it feels overdone. You could have just as easily started when she walking out of her door, and it would have felt more original, and you had more room for description. You know, she missed her bus, she ran to school, blah blah blah. I feel you spent too much time trying to exemplify she woke up late, and you didn't properly describe the rest.

[b]I was trying to lay the foundation for her clumsy personality. In my history of fanfic viewing, I haven't seen many "ohshit I overslept" moments. Maybe I just need to search more... I'll keep your advice in mind for later works. I do feel like the oversleeping part was necessary... regardless of how stale I made it out to be.[/b]

I feel all the similes and metaphors are superfluous at best. Some of them sounded great, but a few (teal rocket, tornado) seem entirely out of place. I don't remember where this was, but the white birds simile (or was it a metaphor...?) was beautiful, especially because it sounded natural. I think you are trying to pump figurative language into your fanfiction when things be described in other ways. Also, because fanfictions are more about character [i]development[/i] and not character description, it seems excess to make all these comparisons. If they sound great, it adds to your writing, but those don't sound great.

[b]Aha! You read my mind... Two days ago, I was reading over chapter one and I noticed that I had a huge amount of similes. I wanted to take some out, but what was done was done. I was just too lazy to edit them out. I was just waiting for someone to pick up on that facet of the writing.[/b]

More cliches: papers flyinge out of the books. First of all, that would never actually happen in real life because most people grip their books tightly enough so that loose papers stay inside textbooks or binders. Second, I feel like any sane person would go back to get those papers. She's already late, so why would Miku want to lose an essay or some math homework? As I stated in the vocal review, you were trying to add tension to the first chapter, and I commend you for doing that. You just did it in the wrong way. The less cliches you use, the better, because it makes you sound original and it's not boring to the reader. If you gave me one random "plot progression" sentence of what I read so far, I could summarize the rest of it without ever reading it. It's predictable at best, and it's not interesting to a reader.

[b]Ah, damn. I didn't think it was that boring... my bad. But I have to tell you that this is a "slice-of-life" fic, and not much action happens here. I'm sorry if my style is boring to you, but I honestly don't know what to change about it. And with the loose papers thing, I was only trying to bring out Miku's hastiness to be on time.[/b]

The next few paragraphs have fast plot progression, but a huge lack of description. You went straight from overusing similes to metaphors to progressing the plot. You could have described Miku running from her perspective, you could have further described the reaction of the class to her walking in, et cetera. It sounds like it would be filler, but considering the amount of description you've gotten me used to in the last few paragraphs, it wouldn't be filler, it would be normal.

[b]I thought I described the classes reaction pretty well, honestly. And I'll admit that I didn't want to describe Miku running because I thought the plot was progressing too slowly. xD[/b]

It seemed like a very lazy job to described Kaito as the "chick magnet". From reading the rest of the chapter, it becomes obvious to the reader that he is a chick magnet. By giving him that title, it kind of nullifies any further description of him. That's like writing a story about me and calling me the "a[b][/b]sshole" of the story. Sure, it's fitting, but the reader is going to learn that anyways. It takes the thinking and analyzing out of reading, and because it wasn't hard to realize Kaito was a chick magnet, there would have been little thinking for the YCM population to do.

[b]Okay? Um, perhaps I was overstating things again, right? Sorry, I messed up there. I just thought that Kaito needed some kind of label before tripping Miku.[/b]

The "tripping" was probably the most memorable part of the chapter for me, because it gave us insight into Kaito's and Miku's character. It was the only point in the story when I wanted to keep reading, but that want was quickly subdued when the new girl came in and changed the focus. By the end of the second chapter when the flashback would have went back to what I wanted to know, I had already lost interest. I'm not saying you should have quickly went into flashback, but there was too much time in between the tripping and the flashback. There wasn't much plot progression, fine, but it will take over a chapter and a half for me to find out what happened, and you can bet I'll lose interest by that point in time.

[b]I'm sorry that you've lost interest, Dark. Maybe it's just a habit of mine to grind my plot out slowly... I'll work on that in the future. However, I wanted to kind of spread things out... this isn't going to be a very lengthy fic by any means.[/b]


I find it stupid that Miku is attracted to a guy like Kaito despite all the injuries he has caused her. It's either terrible anime logic and yet another cliche, or it's just a predictable plot twist. Either Kaito will eventually grow feelings for Miku, or Miku will give up on Kaito, and the correct option will become more obvious as the characters unfold. Maybe you'll throw in some twists and turns here or there, but it seems obvious what kind of relationship lies ahead for those two, and if I can see that far ahead, it's too predictable.

[b]How do you know she likes Kaito?[/b]

I think the teacher has a retarded personality. First he yells at Kaito for tripping Miku, then he tries to comfort Miku by asking her if she wants to go to the nurse, and then he yells at Miku for being late. Is this guy PMSing or something? You made him seem like he was two-faced, and couldn't choose a side quick enough. The fact that he yelled at Kaito [b]and[/b] tried to comfort Miku made it seem like he was an understanding teacher, but then his character flipped around? It didn't make much logical sense to me when I first read it, and it still doesn't.

[b]Eh, a bit of a character fluctuation there, I suppose. My bad... I must have lost focus at that point in time.[/b]


Also, and I apologize for not mentioning this one or two paragraphs back, but the teacher gives into Kaito because he claims that Miku tripped over him? It makes the teacher seem stupid and unreliable, and I am wholly shocked that even though he knew Kaito intentionally tripped Miku, he did nothing about it. If you wanted the reader to hate the teacher this early in the story, it was a great success. And that's not really an insult to your writing; a lot of writers want people to hate a character. But I'm pretty sure the teacher was supposed to play a neutral role in the first chapter, and yet I hate him. We can all relate to teachers making incorrect decisions, and the fact that this teacher did not punish Kaito just shows how terrible he is.

[b]But how do you know that Hiyama saw Kaito trip Miku on purpose? Lame counter argument, and completely my fault for not describing it further. Still, I never aimed for Hiyama to be hated so early in the story.[/b]

Are you saying that he was able to stop whispers about her fingering herself, but he refused to do anything about the other whispers? I understand what you were going for, but it wasn't described clearly. You could have mentioned that the whispers got progressively louder, or that the last comment was made by Kaito or Gekupo (sp?) in an obnoxious voice, but it sounds like the teacher selectively chose which whispers to hear and which to ignore.

[b]Oh! Thank you for bringing that my attention![/b]

The second-to-last paragraph was probably the best in terms of amount of description. It was enough to give us a sense of who the new girl was (and it was added to in the second chapter), but not too much to be filler. The end of the chapter isn't memorable at all, but at least you found a good zone for how much description is good.

[b]Oh, cool. I did something right. ;D[/b]

My fingers hurt now. I'm taking a five-minute intermission, checking my PMs, and I'll start chapter two after I'm done.
...for anyone reading this, that was probably a time lapse of two seconds for you.

Second chapter starts out a lot better. It gives a lot of shallow detail about the new girl, but it doesn't give much insight into actual character. She sounded like a mysterious character to begin with, so I like how we still don't know much about her, and chances are we won't for a while. Adding random characters, like Rin and Len, felt out of place. They could have remained unnamed until they became important, but you introduced us to them really early on, when they really had no purpose. Other than that, the intro seems fine, but nothing spectacular. I haven't actually wanted to read further except during that one point in chapter one, but I kind of have to.

[b]Rin and Len are mentioned for pure recognition. They are arguably some of the most famous Vocaloids out there... I wanted to show the readers that they were in the same class. And don't force yourself to keep reading on my account. I dont want to see you suffer.[/b]

Right before the bolded "rolling girl" statement, the paragraph before made no sense. Kaito stabbed himself, Gakupo also did but fell out of his seat, and Kaito got up from the ground? I think you wanted to reverse the first two names, because Kaito seems more likely to start the "rolling girl" chant.

[b]Kaito did start the chant. My bad for mixing up the character order. ><[/b]


Ugh, I honestly hate Miku's character. She seems so... fake. What happened to that brave girl we knew in the first chapter? What happened to the feeling of tension associated with her. It seems like such a swift change, and I can't really comprehend it. I could understand if she was pissed and maybe a bit sad, but the "I don't want to delay class" comment just tore me. It sounded so fake, and moreover, it sounded nothing like the Miku you tried showing us in the first chapter. It just doesn't connect.

[b]I'm sorry she doesn't appeal to you, but she's just portraying the Rolling Girl character. Superfluous? Yes, I'll agree to that.[/b]


It seems too blunt to ask someone "why everyone seems to hate them". Clair, why do all the male members on YCM want to have sex with you? It just doesn't work like that. I understand that the new girl (I refuse to try to remember her name and spell it correctly) wants to be comforting and reassuring, but it seems awkward to ask that in the middle of someone crying.

[b]She just witnessed a mass bullying. Surely you can understand why she'd be curious?[/b]

The rest of the chapter seems to be an uninteresting discussion between two of the main characters, doesn't provide any development, and is a terrible segue into a flashback. Again, I was interested earlier why nobody liked Miku. At this point, I've been so caught up in reading about the rest of the class and this new girl that my attention was diverted from that curiosity, and now it feels like just a flashback. Also, the new girl seems to be a terrible sexist. Not nice.

[b]Sorry... I still need to work on a lot of things, right?

Oooh, she's a sexist. Not allowed?[/b]


Final comments? All in all, the story was very well-written on the surface. The grammar was beautiful, the vocabulary was fine for the most part (some parts sounded strained to be "sophisticated"), and the story, for the most part, flowed decently. However, the story was infested with Anime cliches and terrible character development. It is better than most of the fanfics on YCM, but it suffers from some of the same problems. It's one thing to right an essay on an objective topic where fluidity and vocabulary are really all that is needed. It's another thing to try writing a story where character and plot development comes into play.

[b]I will keep this in mind.[/b]

Another thing is that it was wholly uninteresting. Go to any Harry Potter book and start reading the first page or two. Regardless of whether you are into the series or have read the previous books, it makes you want to keep reading. For me, a few Harry Potter books keep that air of curiosity throughout the entire novel. Nothing in this fanfiction made me want to keep reading.

[b]I'm no JK Rowling, buddy. ;D[/b]

I won't apologize that my comments were harsh, because you know that I would never spend such time criticizing anyone else. I know that I'm not the most credible person to get English advice from, but I'd love to see people challenge my comments. Most of them aren't even opinions, to be quite frank.

[b]I'm extremely thankful for your comprehensive review. It was eye-opening to see all of the flaws that you listed in my writing, and I can still see I have many areas to prove. Writing a fanfic about Vocaloids is difficult, mainly because they have no story and very little personality attached to them. I hope you can understand that my attempts to give the character's traits came out a bit rough. All the Vocaloids do is sing, and I decided to take up a "slice-of-life" challenge with them. I thank you again... the time and detail that you put into this honest review really touched me.[/b]

Something I would like to mention is that every post so far on this fanfiction has been "5/5" or "good job", but never gave any criticism. That leads me to believe either the people who posted here are either giving Clair good rates because she's Clair, or never actually read the chapters. If Icyblue can force people in Custom Cards to give actual criticism and not bullshit posts, I'm shocked that the moderator of Fan Fiction can't force people to do the same.

[b]Now this is the part I just don't like. You need to accept that not all members will be as honest, detailed, or truthful as you. Some members genuinely liked the story because of prior association with Vocaloid. I feel like you bringing in the "popularity" factor here was uncalled for. I would like to think that people read the fic because they wanted to, and not to impress me. Also, unlike RC, you don't see people flooding Fan Fiction. I'm just disappointed that you would think I'm a pampered little princess who gets flooded with good reviews because of my prior status. Here, I'm just a fanfic writer like anybody else, and I'm pretty damn sure everyone has read the story. There aren't many Vocaloid fics on YCM, you know? People like seeing something off the beaten path.

Thank you soooooo much for reading, Dark. ^^
I really hope you stay tuned for future chapters... if they're too boring, you can always go find another fic with more action![/b]

[/spoiler]
[/quote]

[Dark]

[i]Anime-ish? Could you go into a bit more detail? Is that good or bad? xD[/i]

I listened to the video on the first post and it sounded like "Anime". As I said, that is probably a terrible description of what Vocaloids are, and I'm entirely sure that I'm incorrect, but in my mind, I can describe Vocaloids as "Anime" and know what I'm talking about. I am at a loss for words on how to describe it. I think Fenrir said it was the Japanese AutoTune, but... eh.

[i]How do you know she likes Kaito?[/i]

PLOT TWIST!? The way she looked at Kaito when she got up from falling made it seem like she was longing for his help or attention, and when she talked to that new girl about how Kaito is the most popular kid in school, you wrote it with a tone of resentment on Miku's part. I don't know, that's the air I got from Miku. If it turns out that she doesn't like him, I'd be pretty shocked, but at least it would be interesting. Makes me wonder what Kaito's role in the storyline is going to be.

[i]Sorry... I still need to work on a lot of things, right?[/i]

I think you are taking my criticism the wrong way. I didn't intend to bash your writing style, and chances are I couldn't have written a better fanfiction. I consider you a good friend and I was trying to help you improve, and you know me well enough to know that my criticism is bitter and truthful. I feel like you were almost being [i]sarcastic[/i] in a sense during your replies to my criticism, almost as if you were hurt and just wanted to put on an air of "happiness" to please me. If you don't find my criticism to be viable or legitimate, that's fine, and I understand. I'm not the best writer, and I probably got a few things wrong in my criticism of you. I just pointed out whatever I saw as incorrect. I'm still worked up over the fact that you sounded saddened or mellowed by my post.

[i]I'm no JK Rowling, buddy. ;D[/i]

Fair enough, but would it kill you to make your fanfictions a bit more interesting? D:

In your defense, this is the only fanfiction of yours that I've read, and I know you wrote others as while Fenrir and I were looking for fanfictions for our review thread, I saw a few Pokemon ones by you.

[i]you would think I'm a pampered little princess who gets flooded with good reviews because of my prior status[/i]

Now you are just putting words into my mouth. I said that people who posted "5/5" or "good job" were giving you good rates because you are Clair. You can't deny that you are a popular member, and I don't care if it is fanfiction, people are going to be riding your dick regardless. Maybe it's just me, but I find it wholly useless and disappointing when people ONLY post good things about an art piece, or a literature piece, or a graphic piece. It almost seems as if people get +1s in fanfiction by posting nothing but senseless praise. I'm not saying fanfiction writers aren't worthy of praise, but if these people actually read the chapter, I can assure you they'd find something wrong with it, no matter how minor or trivial. Maybe I'm stuck in an idealistic world where everyone has something constructive to say, I don't know.

[fenrir]

[center]我々の時間を無駄にしていただきありがとうございます

[url=http://tindeck.com/listen/sfnu]Click here to listen to [b]darkmmxii_2011.04.16.Sat.22.44.44.mp3[/b][/url][/center]