DARK GAIA Necromancer Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Hello YCM, this is my first fanfic so plz comment and criticise [spoiler=Prolouge]10000 years ago in a far off land known as Necrovallio lived the Necromancer's; a group of spellcasters who used their power to help people in need. All was peaceful for years until the Matrix Monsters attacked; they were created for evil to destroy Necrovallio. When the Emperor of Necrovallio was brainwashed Necromancer's were left defenceless. After years of war, the Necromancer's were unfortunately defeated but a few years after the Matrix Monsters died out. 95000 years later... In New Domino City lived a boy named Draco Gaia; he wore a white t-shirt with dark blue jeans. He was a duelist; a Duel Monsters enthusiast who challenged people to duels using card Little did Draco know that his life was about to change...[/spoiler] 1st chapter will be up as soon as I finish it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DARK GAIA Necromancer Posted August 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 I see that no one commented so I decided to post chapter 1 so I might get some more comments [spoiler=Chapter 1 The Prophesy] "I never knew about the Necromancers until I met him, if I didn't I would of never known that I was the last one; the last Necromancer..." 3 days earlier... Draco was just duelling in the park, like he normally did. When the duel had finished, a strange man wearing a long black coat and an metal mask covering his face walked up to him and started whispering quietly to him "Come with me, Draco." he whispered as Draco waited until his friends were gone before he went with the man. "Who are you?" asked Draco but the man didn't answer. They walked for ages until they reached to a stone wall at the edge of the park. "Stand back, it's going to get bumpy from here." explained the man. The man placed his hand onto the wall, suddenly the ground started to shake and the wall erupted with a blinding green light. "WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING." Draco couldn't believe it, he thought nothing like this is possible but, he was wrong. "THE PROPHESY, THATS WHAT." the man shouted over the noise of the earth rumbling. Suddenly the wall started opening up revealing a stairway leading underground. This was making Draco even more confused. "Seriously, who the he'll are you." questioned Draco. "That will become clear soon." the man answered who was getting really bored of answering these questions They walked inside, as they passed the entrance, the entrance closed inwards making the light around the cave become total darkness. Suddenly the walls lit with ominous green light. The spent a few minutes walking until they finally got to the bottom of the stairway which lead to a room in total darkness. The man clicked his fingers and light lit the room. "what in the name of the crimson dragon is going on, what the hell do you want with me and..." but, the man interrupted. "Now for the explaining." explained the man. "10000 years ago there was a secret organisation called the Necromancer's who used magic and spells to help the people of the land." he continued to explain. "But, what does that have anything to me?" asked Draco while he was getting really confused. "For god sake, just listen for once." shouted the man who was really sick of Draco and his constant questioning. "All except one Necromancer was killed by the Matrix Monsters.. I am that one; I'm a Necromancer but there was one more who is the only descendent of the master, I was given the task to find him so I performed the ultimate spell which gave me immortality until in find the last one and that my annoying friend is you, Draco Gaia." he continued to explain sounding not so sure but, he knew it was true. Just as the man finished speaking a solid gold pedestal a deck of cards on it rose slowly out the ground and the man edged Draco towards it. "This is your new deck, it has Necromancer's whose spirits were captured by Matrix Monsters and made into cards, some of them are of the Necromancer beasts who were used in the great war but, that's another story." The man added as he gave Draco the deck "But, why me." but when Draco asked, no one was there. Suddenly green light enveloped Draco and at a blink of an eye he was outside the cave. Over the next couple of days Draco thought about what happened, he knew he would see the man again. The main thing he knew was the world was about to change...[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 So a boy with a past having to do with a destroyed former empire runs into a dark man that tells him to 'come with him' out of the blue and the kid just goes with him? um... Two things: 1. This is far too short to be called a chapter, I'm sorry it's true 2. Because of the shortness of it, get ready to be hit with some foe fiction. No, not by me, I don't have nearly enough wit. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not-so-Radiant Arin Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 [quote name='AggroDrago' timestamp='1314119316' post='5463717'] 2. Because of the shortness of it, get ready to be hit with some foe fiction. [/quote] It'll get locked before that happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DARK GAIA Necromancer Posted August 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Thanks for the comment, I promise the next chapter will be longer. As for the foe fiction stuff. I will get ready for that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fireraven23 Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 We kinda' get into the main story quickly. I might like to get to know Draco a bit more before we go into the Necromancer thing. By the way, what's Foe Fiction? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Rai Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 [quote name='fireraven23' timestamp='1314215298' post='5465970'] We kinda' get into the main story quickly. I might like to get to know Draco a bit more before we go into the Necromancer thing. By the way, what's Foe Fiction? [/quote] A review sort of thing that regularly comments on other fan fics in the form of an insulting and witty commentary. A personal fave when I want to laugh at other people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrabHelmet Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 There are guards on patrol, but I know where they are without seeing them. There are security cameras all over the area, most of them hidden from sight, but I can tell how to avoid them anyhow. The perimeter fence has a small hole at the bottom near the back, probably dug by a dog, that I've never seen before but already know how to find. The front door has armed guards standing by, but the back door only takes a card swipe and a code typed into a keypad to get in. Before coming to the base, I stole my mother's security card, and though she never told me it, I already know what code to enter. It's one-two-four-four-two. I don't need a map to find my way to the lab. The song tells me where to go. And when I arrive there, it's empty. I wonder if Melody arranged for it to be empty. That's what it is at this point. It's not just a melody. It's Melody. It's a tune, but it's also more than that. It has its own identity. It wants things. It eats things. It's alive. And I think it wants to go home. I disable the alarms so that we won't be disturbed, then turn my attention to what I know is the dimensional portal machine. The coordinates they used for the test that brought Melody here are already set, so all I need to do is switch it on, and Melody will be able to return to her own world. So I do so, and before my eyes, a portal forms in the pristine white wall of the laboratory. And on the other side of the portal is... nothing. It isn't space on the other side of the portal. There isn't any sort of space there at all. It isn't what you'd call black, though there is a complete absence of light that makes it seem even darker than that - so dark it feels strange to look at. No barrier is blocking the portal; I could step through if I wanted to. But there isn't anything there to step into. It's not so much an empty place as it is a non-place. We don't really have words to describe it properly because everywhere in our universe is a place that exists. Our language has never had a need to handle a place that just plain [i]isn't[/i]. The Initiative had considered the first test of the machine a failure, and I could see why now: they must have seen what I was seeing now, seen just how wrong the other side of the portal was, and concluded that they hadn't established contact with the other universe as intended. But they were wrong about that. The device worked perfectly. They had established contact with this other world just fine. The only problem was that the world didn't seem to exist. Maybe it had once existed, but there's nothing there now, and nothing other than Melody to suggest that anything has ever been there; in a certain sense, even if it once previously had existed, it now has never existed. There isn't even really a "there" - that would imply a location, some sort of space, and there is no space at all. It is now gone and was never there and has never been there and there isn't even a "there" left for it to ever have been anyhow. And yet Melody was still able to escape somehow. And since I can still hear the na-na-na-nas in my head, Melody isn't satisfied with opening the portal to this non-place. I type random numbers into the portal machine and try again. Maybe, even if it wouldn't go home, Melody would go to some other dimension I could open. But it's no use. Portals appear to a jungle, a spaceship, something vaguely resembling Victorian England, a stone building of some sort, and several other locations that I don't even bother looking at, one at a time. But the music keeps playing in my head. Melody isn't going away. Turning away in frustration, something on the far end of the lab draws my attention. It is clearly an unfinished device, an indistinct mishmash of wires and spare parts sitting beside a pile of some illegibly-written notes, but I know instinctively what it was: an unfinished time machine. And I also instinctively know how to finish it. As you know, the war with the European Union was started when the Tea Party gained enough power in the government that they were able to authorize the assassination of Pope Frederick II on the grounds that, in their eyes, he was either the Anti-Christ or an agent thereof. Unfortunately, their assassin was caught, and so the whole EU was brought to war with America, either from their own religious zeal or out of fear that America would feel free to assassinate anyone they felt like or due to alliance with the first two groups. The Initiative was founded by President Biden to provide a solution through unconventional branches of science to a war we weren't sure we could win. The dimensional portal was supposed to be used to forge alliances with advanced alternate Americas, but it seems that time-travel is another option they're exploring - perhaps to prevent the original assassination and stop the whole war from ever beginning. Since I know how to finish the time machine, I assume Melody wants me to finish it. And I think I can guess how she wants me to use it. Everything falls into place as a put the machine together. When it's done, I turn it on and have it send me back in time to my destination. But time-travel seems to be slow. I don't immediately land when I want to. I have experiences while traveling - it feels like time is passing for me, but that's rather a confusing way of putting it given my current situation. Suffice to say, I can do something before landing, and if I don't do something, I'll be rather bored here. I don't know what "today" is while I'm traveling; I don't think it's even right to call it a day, or a night, or anything like that. Nevertheless, I still think I can say one thing with confidence: [b]Today is a day for [i]Foe Fiction[/i].[/b] Here, we have "Yu-Gi-Oh! Final Matrix", a story by the immortal DARK GAIA Necromancer: [i]Hello YCM, this is my first fanfic so plz comment and criticise[/i] [i][u]Prolouge[/u][/i] Oh, don't worry, CAPS LOCK Necromancer. I'd be happy to "criticise" your "Prolouge". Can you guess what my first criticism is? (Hint: It starts with a "Y" and ends with a "ou can't spell".) [i]10000 years ago[/i] Why does everyone insist on creating a new backstory set increasingly ridiculously large numbers of years in the past? Ten thousand years ago, humans were maybe just barely beginning to transition from hunting and gathering into farming, but everyone acts like they can just stamp whatever year they want on their story and people will be pretty much like they were in medieval Europe except with magic. [i]in a far off land known as Necrovallio[/i] The land was founded by the renowned Lord Sucky McFailname and his wife, the Lady Eyebleeding McFailname... [i]lived the Necromancer's;[/i] ...though her maiden name was Eyebleeding O'Misuseofapostrophes. [i]a group of spellcasters who used their power to help people in need.[/i] I'm seriously getting flashbacks to that other story about the Kaze Minzoku or Kaze Maneko or whatever those Wind Cat People were called. That, too, had a backstory set obnoxiously far in the past and revolved around a race that apparently all had the same moral alignment. See, here's the thing: People suck. Humans, by and large, are selfish, greedy, deceitful, and generally less than virtuous in a variety of ways. To expect us to believe that every single member of this group is of the Lawful Perfect alignment is unreasonable. If the group is not opt-in and consists solely of everyone born in Stupidnamevalley, then you're denying basic human nature, and if the group is opt-in, then you're asking us to believe that only truly good people decided to seek power. Neither of these is believable, so when you insist that they are true, I try to rationalize it by assuming that we're missing an important piece of information, and that piece of information is generally "brainwashing dystopia". [i]All was peaceful for years until the Matrix Monsters attacked; they were created for evil[/i] By whom? If everything was so perfect and everyone was so good, who decided to create them for evil? [i]to destroy Necrovallio.[/i] Why? I know it's just the "prolouge", but some semblance of character or motivation would be welcome here. [i]When the Emperor of Necrovallio was brainwashed[/i] So brainwashing is plausible in this universe? Consider my earlier suspicion confirmed. Since you haven't explained who created the "Matrix Monsters" or why they wanted to destroy "Necrovallio", here's my theory: the Necromancers were oppressive brainwashing dictators, but one poor sap finally managed to break free of their brainwashing, perhaps while scouting the area around the valley and thus being far from the oppressors' power base. Realizing what had been done to her, she vowed to take down the Necromancers to free all the innocent civilians from their control. But she herself had little power compared to them, and returning to the valley would allow them to brainwash her again, so she studied long and hard to build herself an army to fight for her. When she was ready, they returned and managed to free the Emperor, who was merely a puppet, from the controllers' brainwashing. The version of the story we're seeing here is a propaganda piece by the Necromancers. After all, would you expect an objective portrayal of this conflict by someone whose name contains the word "Necromancer"? [i]Necromancer's were left defenceless.[/i] Really? An army of spellcasters are completely defenseless without their emperor? An army of spellcasters who, based on their name, ought to be much stronger in a war situation with all the deaths occurring (though I'm not sure if these so-called Necromancers actually practice necromancy; as far as we can see so far, they're just generic spellcasters who were misnamed by an author who just thinks the word "Necromancer" sounds cool), is completely powerless without one single leader's presence? This really is like that Wind Cat People story - the heroes, in addition to being potentially brainwashing dictators, are incredibly incompetent. [i]After years of war, the Necromancer's were unfortunately defeated but a few years after the Matrix Monsters died out.[/i] ...and then everyone lived in freedom. HAPPY END [i]95000 years later...[/i] Wait, you said the prologue took place only 10000 years ago. This really highlights how arbitrary these year numbers are - even the author can't be bothered to remember which number he decided to write down. Well, according to this, we're now somewhere around the year 87000, which means that the God-Emperor has been fighting the Chaos Gods for over fifty thousand years by the time this story takes place. So, what's the world like now? [i]In New Domino City lived a boy named Draco Gaia; he wore a white t-shirt with dark blue jeans. He was a duelist; a Duel Monsters enthusiast who challenged people to duels using card[/i] [i]Little did Draco know that his life was about to change...[/i] Oh, I see, it's exactly like it was in 5D's. I guess not a lot of technological development occurred in the last eighty-five thousand years. And look, our protagonist, like the great heroes of the past, is named after the author. I foresee nothing but good things. It's worth noting at this point that the authors signature says "I am the one true master of the Necromancers" in giant red letters with only one or two words per line (which, combined with a terrible custom card he made and also put in his signature, makes his signature about one and a half times as tall as my computer screen), so I am definitely not reading too much into this - this is absolutely self-insertion. [i]1st chapter will be up as soon as I finish it[/i] Oh, I believe that. It's very obvious that no post-production work goes into this story. There's no editing, no proofreading, no spellchecking; there is only throwing words on a page and throwing it up on line as soon as possible, even though it sucks. Let's go on to this first chapter: [i]"I never knew about the Necromancers until I met him, if I didn't I would of never known that I was the last one; the last Necromancer..."[/i] [i]3 days earlier...[/i] Or maybe 12442 days earlier. Numbers are fluid in this story. But more importantly is this opening quote. Starting with a single scene in the middle of the story and then jumping back to the beginning of events is a very common trope in fiction, especially in modern television but dating back to the ancient Greeks (though they generally started with more than a single scene), as a way to hook the reader into the plot. The problem is that it needs to actually hook the reader into the story. Generally, the opening scene shows something exciting happening that we really want to see, or something weird happening that we want to see explained. What it shouldn't do is just provide one spoilerific line of exposition. We want to see how Mal ended up stranded naked in the desert. We want to see how Odysseus ended up alone on the island of Calypso. We want to see why Starbuck's viper is crashing in a dust storm. We want to see why Superman is being a git on the cover of every Silver Age comic ever. But we don't want to see how Draco found out that he was the Chosen Stu. We know he's the Chosen Stu, and the manner by which he became the Chosen Stu really isn't of any interest. Now, the author wrote this with Draco's Chosen Stu-ness in mind, and we're expected to read this story with that at the front of our thoughts, but I want you to pretend you had never heard of the Necromancers (let's call them "Necromanstues" from now on) and read these next few lines without that frame of reference guiding your interpretation of them: [i]Draco was just duelling in the park, like he normally did. When the duel had finished, a strange man wearing a long black coat and an metal mask covering his face walked up to him and started whispering quietly to him "Come with me, Draco." he whispered as Draco waited until his friends were gone before he went with the man.[/i] [i]"Who are you?" asked Draco but the man didn't answer.[/i] ...wow. ...WOW. Is anyone else getting the same overtones from this that I am? [i]They walked for ages until they reached to a stone wall at the edge of the park.[/i] "This is where I parked my van," said the man. "Hop inside. I've got lots of yummy candy." [i]"Stand back, it's going to get bumpy from here." explained the man.[/i] o_O I'm not even going to touch this line. In fact, I'm pretty sure that a lack of touching is what this story desperately needs. We see here that Draco is indeed a perfect stand-in for our author in the sense that Draco, like our author, is much too dumb to live. Kids, let me make something clear: if a strange man that you don't know who wears a large coat and a facemask approaches you in the park and starts whispering to you to come with him, RUN LIKE HELL. Don't send your friends away and then walk with him somewhere where you'll be alone together. Did Draco miss all the stuff about strangers that they drill into your head throughout your entire childhood? Granted, we know this guy is leading Draco to his Necromansuetiful destiny, but Draco doesn't know that. For all Draco knows, this guy is exactly what he appears to be, and Draco will soon be raped and murdered, not necessarily in that order. And I will have no sympathy for him because, as horrible a fate as that is, we really don't need his stupidity corrupting the gene pool. Give the idiot a Darwin award for so graciously decreasing the surplus population, and maybe have his parents killed for having some combination of awful genes and awful parenting skills. [i]The man placed his hand onto the wall, suddenly the ground started to shake and the wall erupted with a blinding green light. [/i] [i]"WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING." Draco couldn't believe it, he thought nothing like this is possible but, he was wrong.[/i] Oh, believe me, Draco is wrong about a lot more things than this. [i]"THE PROPHESY, THATS WHAT." the man shouted over the noise of the earth rumbling.[/i] [i]Suddenly the wall started opening up revealing a stairway leading underground.[/i] Er, no, I'd say that what's happening is "The wall is opening to reveal a stairway leading underground". That's a good answer to the question of what is happening. "THE PROPHESY, THATS WHAT", in addition to being as ungrammatical as everything else in this story, is a terrible answer. [i]This was making Draco even more confused.[/i] [i]"Seriously, who the he'll are you." questioned Draco.[/i] THE PROPHESY, THATS WHO Also, do we really need to do that thing where we substitute random awkward verbs for "said" and "asked" that are supposed to make us look more imaginative but only make every sentence go clunk? This is seriously painful. Na. Na na. Na na-na na. Na na-na na. Do do. [i]"That will become clear soon." the man answered who was getting really bored of answering these questions[/i] But he hasn't answered any questions, and the questions are more than reasonable. This guy is lucky the kid in question was sufficiently retarded to go with him in the first place instead of running like anyone who remembered Stranger Danger. [i]They walked inside, as they passed the entrance, the entrance closed inwards making the light around the cave become total darkness. Suddenly the walls lit with ominous green light.[/i] This would probably have looked really cool if it were on a television screen. But you're not writing television, you're writing a purely text-based story, so all of this just falls flat. [i]The spent a few minutes walking until they finally got to the bottom of the stairway which lead to a room in total darkness.[/i] [i]The man clicked his fingers and light lit the room.[/i] [i]"what in the name of the crimson dragon is going on, what the hell do you want with me and..." but, the man interrupted.[/i] THE PROPHESY, THATS WHAT [i]"Now for the explaining." explained the man. [/i] "I'm so tired of answering your annoying questions, so I'll respond by... answering all questions." [i]"10000 years ago[/i] Or 95000 years ago. Let's compromise and say 47500 years ago. [i]there was a secret organisation called the Necromancer's who used magic and spells to help the people of the land." he continued to explain.[/i] First of all, he's not continuing to explain, he's starting to explain. Using the words "said" and "asked" all the time may not be very imaginative, but while those words aren't very colorful, they also don't leap off the page and assault the reader with how out-of-place they are. Second of all, they obviously weren't a secret organization given that the land was named after them and they had an emperor. Unless they were brainwashing everyone to forget about them, which seems quite likely to me. Third of all, the continued references to generic "magic and spells" makes me more and more convinced that these "Necromancers" have nothing to do with actually performing magic related to the dead and are in fact just general wizards who chose a name that the author thought was cool but didn't understand. Come on, look at the roots. "NECRO" = DEATH. Learn some Greek, you moron. Or just get kidnapped by a child molester and die. Fourth of all, if we're going to be given all this backstory exposition again, what was the point of the prologue? Just put all the exposition here and cut out the prologue; it's completely redundant. [i]"But, what does that have anything to me?" asked Draco while he was getting really confused.[/i] YE GODS YOU DON'T NEED TO REPEAT THAT DRACO IS CONFUSED EVERY SINGLE LINE I HATE THIS STORY I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT SO MUCH THAT I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO SAY THE PROPHESY THATS WHAT BECAUSE I HATE IT SO MUCH [i]"For god sake, just listen for once." shouted the man who was really sick of Draco and his constant questioning.[/i] That's it, I'm pretty sure this script was written by a computer. The algorithm works something like this: "[Generic question about the situation]", [Randomly selected synonym for "said"] Draco [reference to his ever-rising confusion]. "[Content-free non-answer]", [Randomly selected synonym for "said"] the man [reference to how annoyed he's getting at Draco's questions despite the fact that the questions are really obvious basic ones and he hasn't asked very many and it was unspeakably stupid to come with the man without asking anything in the first place]. Seriously, this exact exchange has been repeated three times in a row now. I feel like the author wrote the dialogue by having three groups of people play the same game of Mad Libs. [i]"All except one Necromancer was killed by the Matrix Monsters.. I am that one; I'm a Necromancer but there was one more who is the only descendent of the master,[/i] No. I know it's common in fiction for there to be exactly one descendant of some ancient figure, but that's just not how things work in the real world. It's been proven that a family line, after only a few generations, either dies out entirely or multiplies wildly to have a ridiculous number of descendents. After XX000 years, "the master" (who, based on his name and the Necromanstues' penchant for brainwashing, I'm assuming is played by Roger Delgado or Anthony Ainley or John Simm) would either have had no descendents for literally uncounted millennia or have most of the world's population as descendents. You only get exactly one descendent if you only count the firstborn legitimate son as a proper descendent, but even that doesn't work because it is vanishingly unlikely that the firstborn legitimate son would survive, marry, and have a son in every single generation for an uncertain number of thousands of years. Not to mention that it represents a patriarchal worldview that doesn't match what we'd expect to see XX000 years ago. [i]I was given the task to find him so I performed the ultimate spell which gave me immortality[/i] "Come to think of it, maybe the others would have survived the war if they'd also made themselves immortal. Oops, I guess we didn't think of that." [i]until in find the last one and that my annoying friend is you, Draco Gaia."[/i] Er... why? Why is it Draco Gaia and not his father, or his father, or anyone in the line of descent between "the master" and Draco? Was this guy searching for the last #$000 years and completely failing the whole time? Or did he only spring into action now by realizing that Draco was clearly too dumb to love and had probably already succeeded in accidentally castrating himself, ensuring that Draco would be the end of the family line? [i]he continued to explain sounding not so sure but, he knew it was true.[/i] YES WE KNOW HE'S EXPLAINING BECAUSE HE WAS SPEAKING AND THE WORDS HE WAS SPEAKING FORMED AN EXPLANATION AND WHY IS HE UNSURE BUT ALSO CERTAIN THAT IT'S TRUE THAT MAKES NO SENSE THAT. MAKES. NO. SENSE. [i]Just as the man finished speaking a solid gold pedestal a deck of cards on it rose slowly out the ground and the man edged Draco towards it.[/i] Okay, we're back to the child molestation again. Draco, don't let him force you to touch his golden deck. Scream and run and find a responsible authority figure. What would Sonic say about someone trying to initiate touching in an uncomfortable way or place? [img]http://cdn0.knowyourmeme.com/i/000/040/690/small/Sonic-Sez-THATS-NO-GOOD_1_.jpg[/img] [i]"This is your new deck, it has Necromancer's whose spirits were captured by Matrix Monsters and made into cards, some of them are of the Necromancer beasts who were used in the great war but, that's another story." The man added as he gave Draco the deck[/i] "They're just regular spellcasters with no connection to zombies, because this was written by a seven-year-old hack who doesn't know what words mean." [i]"But, why me." but when Draco asked, no one was there.[/i] [i]Suddenly green light enveloped Draco and at a blink of an eye he was outside the cave.[/i] [i]Over the next couple of days Draco thought about what happened, he knew he would see the man again. The main thing he knew was the world was about to change...[/i] Wait, so nothing happened over the last three days? You just had three days pass in order to say at the start that three days had passed? At the start of this chapter, we were teased with the knowledge that Draco was the Chosen Stu, and in the body of the first chapter, we learned that... Draco was the Chosen Stu. And a moron. And the other immortal Necromanstu is also a moron. The whole chapter was pretty much an utter waste of the reader's time in terms of things that happened in the story, and that's saying something since this story itself is already a waste of time. Oh, and changing the backstory really didn't have any effect on the plot. The Egyptian wizards are now "Necromancers", Zorc's armies are now "Matrix Monsters", and the events of the past have been pushed back somewhere between 7000 and 92000 years, but there's no real change in substance. You could just as easily have made Draco a descendent of the Pharaoh, and the only real difference would be that the names wouldn't be so stupid. In fact, keeping the old backstory would make the "last descendent" thing make more sense - after all, while someone can have multiple descendents, there can only really be one rightful heir to the Pharaoh's throne. So, that was our story. That story is bad. That story sucked. That is terrible by pretty much every metric. What does my guest star have to say about that? [img]http://cdn0.knowyourmeme.com/i/000/040/690/small/Sonic-Sez-THATS-NO-GOOD_1_.jpg[/img] ...I'm really not sure how you can be with my while I'm time-traveling, Sonic. I dunno, maybe you run just that fast? Speaking of which, I seem to be here. Or, rather, I seem to be now. The Initiative. The lab. 4 AM. The morning of the first test of the dimensional portal device. Nobody should be around at this hour, so all I need to do is smash the machine to pieces and- "Er, what are you doing here, ambiguously-gendered person?" Blast. Some old scientist. Figures there'd be someone working late. Look, I'm here to stop the test of the dimensional portal. "A saboteu-" No! I'm from the future! I got here by the time machine you're going to event. The dimensional portal test had disastrous results, so it needs to be stopped for the good of the world. "Disastrous results? What happened?" Er, I got a song stuck in my head. "..." No, no, but it's evil! And alive! And wrong! And it eats pain and is wrong and shouldn't be here and guided me here so that I could send it home to a world that doesn't exist by preventing it from ever having come here in the first place! I'm going to make it better. "...look, even if that weren't completely crazy, our calculations say that changing the past, if not impossible, is a very bad thing. Either you can't do it at all, or doing so would create a paradox in the universe that would make all of realit-" I pick up a nearby hammer and start smashing the machine. "No! Don't, you can't!" I pick up a nearby hammer and start smashing the machine. "No! Don't, you can't!" I pick up a nearby hammer and start smashing the machine. "Er, what are you doing here, ambiguously-gendered person?" THE PROPHESY, THATS WHAT "Disastrous results? What happened?" to make it better better better better better BETTER OHHHHHHH NA NA NA NA NA-NA NA NA NA-NA Not pictured: believable characterization. First of all, take a drink for a logo that tries to make it look more like an actual televised series... Thanks to their brilliant brainwashing program, nobody deviated from the officially mandated thought process for hundreds of years. Ah, yes, the great philosopher Immanuel "Short-Fruit" pKant. Because if the Yeerks find us, then oh gods a horrifying thought just occurred to me - what if Jakeup is supposed to be named Jacob, and Clause is just too stupid to spell Jacob? "That's one of the most powerful cards in all of-" never mind, I'd rather be making more slash jokes than quoting the Abridged Series. So let's get started, shall we? [i]The only problem was that the world didn't seem to exist. Maybe it had once existed, but there's nothing there now, and nothing other than Melody to suggest that anything has ever been there; in a certain sense, even if it once previously had existed, it now has never existed. There isn't even really a "there" - that would imply a location, some sort of space, and there is no space at all. It is now gone and was never there and has never been there and there isn't even a "there" left for it to ever have been anyhow.[/i] [i]And yet Melody was still able to escape somehow.[/i] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niv-Mizzet Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 And, really, necro means death, and mancer means diviner or magician or wizard or something like that. Therefore, necromancers are people who are death mages, and that really doesn't sound like helping people. More like zombifying their remains, really. These guys sound more like, I dunno, philanthromancers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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