Jump to content

A Flicker of Light in the Dark [Criticism is appreciated] Chapter 2 up

fenrir

By fenrir
in Creative Writing

Recommended Posts

fenrir Newbie

fenrir

Posted
Posted

[spoiler=Prologue]

The Ark. The God’s Holy Grail you could say. Hidden in the heavens, it will grant the user a wish. The wish is preset though, the wish? To become a God. A God to rule over the other Gods. Angels are forbidden to find it, as well as Gods. Demons and Devils however, that’s something else… Death, the ruler of the underworld, he has little motives. He governs his realm, and nothing else. Rumors however, say that he has a son. More rumors have been spreading that there might also be a demi god. A child with a God for a parent. Most people don’t believe these rumors, infact. Most people wouldn’t care if these rumors were even true. There is something much more important though. This is hidden in the truth; the truth is hidden in the lies. The lies are hidden everywhere. Which lie is the truth? Which truth is important?

 

 

[spoiler=Books]

[spoiler=Book 1; Honest Shadows]

[spoiler=Chapter 1; Hydra]

A Flicker of Light. The tat tat tat of raindrops. A shadow creeps across a grey brick wall. It’s dark out, there’s a full moon. A lone figure stands on a fallen log. The log is floating in a muddy, green bog. Behind him is a watch house. A small stone cabin with a lamp hanging by the rotting wooden door. The figure pulled down his black tattered hood, revealing dark ebony hair reaching to his cheeks. The figure bent down and dipped his hand in the muddy water. He quickly pulled it back up and spat.

 

“Bah! Infernal beasts…”

 

The figure suddenly leapt from his log, landing on another a couple of feet away. The log shook with the weight and nearly sunk. The figure jumped again, landing on another. This log was much larger and didn’t bounce around in the water. The figure paused there for a second. It looked at the dead mangroves surrounding him, scattered throughout the bog. It jumped again, landing on another log, without stopping it jumped to another log, and then another. The figure obviously had agility. The figure jumped once more, landing on a large log. Beside it was a large stump. The diameter of the stump must have been 5 meters. The figure stepped on the stump and walked calmly to the middle. The rings of the stump, indicating how old it was, fell to the hundreds, maybe thousands. Once at the core of the stump the figure pulled out a sack calmly from inside his cloak. The sack was basic, just leather with a thick string attached. He pulled the string off, letting it drop into the water. He carefully reached inside the sack with his right hand and pulled out the object inside. It was a green orb with a strange symbol on it. It shone brightly, giving off a green light. The orb then lifted into the sky, the core of the stump rumbled and cracked open. The orb then dropped from the sky, like a rock. The figure leapt and managed to grab the orb in midair, spinning around and landing with his back facing the water. He pocketed the orb now that its light had faded. He peered into the hole the stump had revealed. A long wooden staircase was present. He shrugged and stepped into it, letting the darkness embrace him. He stepped down and felt for a wall. He touched something rough and barky, and grabbed on. He kept climbing down, eventually reaching the bottom. At least, he thought it was the bottom.

 

“Light, light, light… I need light…” The figure said.

 

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the orb. He rolled it around in his hand, and its light illuminated once more. The figure could see the room now. He was standing on another large stump. This time it was square shaped, and green water surrounded it. An altar made out of rotting wood stood at the end. It had two carved serpent heads in a U shape. It was really a normal altar, a platform and small stars. He stepped towards it. Once on the small platform he placed the orb on a small spot on the altar. It was circular with two prongs on its side. The orb fit in perfectly. The room rumbled and the figure stepped back. A large serpent head popped out of the water, and slowly rose up. It hissed at him and circled it’s head around him. The figure pulled out a dagger, straight, sleek, and dangerous. He held it sideways, with the blade pointing back. The beast’s head circled him for a while, and then lunged with such speed. He back flipped, narrowly avoiding the strike. Where he once stood was rotting wood.

 

“Poison? A Hydra?” The figure asked.

 

Yessssssssss mortal…

 

The figure looked up. A Hydra had just spoken to him. A Hydra. The Hydra struck once more, this time he was prepared. As soon as the Hydra struck the ground, he rolled around and slashed at the side of it’s head. A cut was formed and the Hydra recoiled in shock.

 

Damn mortal! It hissed.

 

The figure was now out of sight. The Hydra tilted it’s head in confusion and searched the room. The figure had disappeared. All at once the roof creaked and in one swift motion, the Hydra was cut apart. It’s head bounced around the room, leaving a trail of blood. The Hydra’s neck went limp and fell to the floor. There the figure stood, dagger bloodied, cloak wavering in the hot, humid air. The figure walked over to the orb, and pulled it out. He placed it back into his sack and turned around, looking at the still head of the Hydra on the floor. He walked to the stairs, but paused at the head.

 

A few minutes later, the figure was outside now, with the two main fangs of the Hydra in the same sack as the orb.

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 2; Old Friend]

It was still midnight, in a small, cozy, rundown town, built next to a swamp; a small tavern was wide awake. Several men entered and left at different times. The figure entered this tavern, his cloak wet from the journey. He walked inside, attracting the attention of several men. He walked towards a table in a far corner and sat down. Another man was sitting there, wearing a brown tattered cloak. He pulled the hood down revealing silver, long hair. He had tan skin, from being in the sun a bit too long. His silver hair was raised in large clumsy spikes that eventually arched down near his eyes.

 

“So Dominic…” The figure said lazily.

 

“Raiden…” Dominic replied.

 

“How did the hunt go? Heard you killed a Hydra? How many heads? One? Two? Did you bring back the fangs?”

 

Dominic sighed. “It went fine. Yes, I killed a Hydra. One head, not two. Yea, I brought the fangs back.”

 

Raiden nodded. “Did you hear about the King?”

 

“No, what happened?”

 

“Well, his son is missing, and he’s sick.”

 

“How is this affecting the kingdom?”

 

“The poor are thinking of starting a revolt, they think if they strike while he’s sick, they can take over.”

 

“Idiots, they don’t know anything about politics, do they?”

 

“Hell do they care? All I know is the king’s daughter is making a trip to Ag’radge.”

 

Dominic paused for a second, a waitress came over with a silver plate, filled with god knows what. All that mattered to Dominic was that it smelt good. There was two bowls on the plate, filled with some sort of soup. He grabbed one and slid it over to him.

 

“Why would she go there? That’s practically Faren’s enemy.”

 

Raiden shrugged, he had a chicken wing in his mouth. He finished it and turned back to Dominic. “Look, Faren, our kingdom, the kingdom we are in right now. Is the enemy of Ag’radge, a kingdom south of Faren. Am I right?”

 

Dominic nodded.

 

“They’ve been enemies since 500 hundred years. I’m pretty sure they’re getting her married to Ag’radge’s prince.”

 

“Peace treaty?”

 

“Yea. Exactly, however, people don’t want this.”

 

“Probably because they’ve been enemies with them for a while now.” Dominic suggested.

 

“Bingo.”

 

“So they’re going to ambush her along the way?”

 

“Exactly, however, I plan to stop them.”

 

“Why?”

 

“You’ll figure out soon enough Dominic, soon enough…”

 

Raiden quickly got up, pulled his hood up and left the tavern. Dominic finished his soup and left as well. The town was barren, filled with old houses, made out of dark, bluish rotting wood. The town was poor, with most of the people being lumberjacks. Dominic sighed and pulled out the green orb from his sack. He rolled it around in his palm.

 

“The orb of Faein…”

 

The orb had white symbol of a great oak tree. This represented the element of earth. Dominic pocketed the orb back in his sack and looked to the west. To the west of the town was the Hahn Forest. To the east was Kydra’s Swamp. He turned to west and started walking.

 

Once Dominic was at the forest edge, Raiden greeted him from up a tree.

 

“The ambush will start shortly, we have little time…”

 

“Right, let’s head out…”

 

Dominic jumped upwards, landing beside Raiden. They jumped from tree branch to tree branch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
fenrir Newbie

fenrir

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Interesting. The fight was a little too bland for my liking but the rest of the chapter made up for that.

 

I intended it to be bland. Mostly because it was a young Hydra, you could see evidence of that with it only having one head. But yea.

 

Was my describing okay? Or does it need work?

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Wuu. Newbie

Wuu.

Posted
Posted

Well, this is the first Fiction i read of you and it's great, i'm begining to think about a Fic on the way to school but i don't have the stuff to work it out.

 

It's great,

One question though; When did you start on writing Fan fics anyway?

Link to comment
Share on other sites
fenrir Newbie

fenrir

Posted
  • Author
Posted

It's a bit repetitive' date=' and some word choices seem odd. In the first paragraph, it sounds more like you're describing a painting than an actual event. Too distant.

 

Interesting, however.

[/quote']

 

I did? Now that I look back, did kind of seem like that. I'll work on that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
shiko11 Newbie

shiko11

Posted
Posted

Too distant? I completely disagree. The goal is to capture the reader, paint a mental picture in his/her head. And you did just that, and very well might I add. I'll have my eye on this story(note, unlike others, I don't call this a fanfic because, well, it isn't. LOL. is it? o.O) Anyway, the story wasn't too awfully bland. I got into it a bit. Rating: (12-point scale!)

 

Storyline:3.6/4

Grammar: 3/3

Visual?:2.8/3

Originality: 1.8/2 (this sounds just a tad familiar?)

OVERALL: 11.2!!! since u made it in the 8.9-11.9 range, you get +2 Rep. To mods: This is NOT rep spam. The author worked hard, and deserves what they earned! :) enjoy teh reps.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
shiko11 Newbie

shiko11

Posted
Posted

STORYLINE: Well, It was very interecting, nothing to coment on in paticular. I'm such a sucker for discriptive writing.

GRAMMAR: I went over it and didn't find a single grammar error.

Visual?: You need to paint a picture in the mind of the reader (as stated) and I saw everything except maybe the staircase a little but it was still great.

ORIGINALITY: I have no idea why, but this just sounds a bit fimiliar. Pretty original though.

 

There. that good?

Link to comment
Share on other sites
RingoEx19 Newbie

RingoEx19

Posted
Posted

Very nice. I only found problems with these sentences:

 

The figure obviously had agility.

 

He back flipped, narrowly avoiding the strike.

 

A cut was formed and the Hydra recoiled in shock.

 

All at once the roof creaked and in one swift motion, the Hydra was cut apart.

 

They're a bit awkward and if you know what I mean, they feel like they were written in a hurry. I don't want to be a backseat driver but they could be extended like this:

 

The figure moved with equilibrium and grace, balancing his steady body tactfully each time he landed on a rotted log before poising his muscles to vault forward once again.

 

He lurched backwards into a somersault and then hastily turned it into a back-flip, narrowly avoiding the dripping fangs of the hydra.

 

A gash appeared at the [location] and the hydra reared its head backwards, shrieking a horrible, inhuman noise as it writhed in agony.

 

Very talented. Keep up the good work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
fenrir Newbie

fenrir

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Very nice. I only found problems with these sentences:

 

The figure obviously had agility.

 

He back flipped' date=' narrowly avoiding the strike. [/quote']

 

A cut was formed and the Hydra recoiled in shock.

 

All at once the roof creaked and in one swift motion, the Hydra was cut apart.

 

They're a bit awkward and if you know what I mean, they feel like they were written in a hurry. I don't want to be a backseat driver but they could be extended like this:

 

The figure moved with equilibrium and grace, balancing his steady body tactfully each time he landed on a rotted log before poising his muscles to vault forward once again.

 

He lurched backwards into a somersault and then hastily turned it into a back-flip, narrowly avoiding the dripping fangs of the hydra.

 

A gash appeared at the [location] and the hydra reared its head backwards, shrieking a horrible, inhuman noise as it writhed in agony.

 

Very talented. Keep up the good work.

 

I see what you mean. *Facepalms* I still have work to do. I'll try what you suggested.

 

Good work. The grammar is solid' date=' although the first paragraph, while discriptive, was as if you are describing a painting or something. But still good.

 

Can't wait to read more.

[/quote']

 

Thank you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Phantom Roxas Enthusiast

Phantom Roxas

Posted
Posted

The prologue hints to a cliche'd story, but I'm not complaining. It's the presentation of the story that matters. I must say though, I was disappointed that the hydra only had one head. It would be nice to give more details to the symbol that was on the orb. A "strange symbol" doesn't really suffice.

 

I do like the writing style though. I'm curious about the different Books though. Will they be all focusing on the same PoV, or will there be different characters a la The Paths of Destiny?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...