Red.Dragon.Archfiend Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 [spoiler=Characters, In order of importance]Name: Akako (Red)Age: 17Gender: MaleAppearance: White Skin, Spiky Blonde Hair, Green Eyes, Red Scar On His Chin,White Coat w/ Black Undershirt, Black Jeans w/ ChainBio: Akako usually keeps to him self. He never starts a conversation and dreads being part of one, he usually answers in short sentences.When he duels he becomes very crude and ruthless.[spoiler=Deck List]Synchros:Red Dragon Archfiend Monsters: Red Dragon Archfiend / Assault ModeDesrook Archfiend X2 Infernalqueen Archfiend X2 Imprisoned Queen Archfiend X2 Terrorking Archfiend X2 Archfiend General X3 Archfiend of Gilfer Skull Archfiend of Lightning Darkbishop Archfiend X2 Dark Necrofear Fiend Roar Deity Raven X2 Vilepawn Archfiend X2 Mad Archfiend X2 Magna Drago X3Trap Eater Spells: Pandemonium X3Falling Down Heavy Storm Foolish Burial Lightning Vortex Mystical Space Typhoon Monster Reborn Different Dimension Capsule Double SummonAssault Teleport Traps: Archfiend's Roar X2 Bark of Dark Ruler Solemn Wishes/Life Absorbing Machine Mirror Force Hate Buster Assault Mode ActivateCrimson FireAssault Slash Name: IchiroAge: 18Gender: MaleAppearance: Brown Skin, Black Curly Hair, Brown Eyes, Gold Basketball Jersey w/ number 18 on it, and baggy blue jeans.Bio: He is Akako's best friend, and greatest rival. Even though Ichiro is older than Akako he is hot tempered and immature, but when it counts he is always there to help and he'll never leave a friend behind. When he duels he concentrates on summoning his reactor cards.[spoiler= Deck List] Synchros: Dark Strike Fighter Monsters: Spell Reactor - Re X3Trap Reactor - Y FI X3Summon Reactor - SK X3Flying Fortress SKY FIRE X3Dark Crusader X3Trap Eater X3Fiendish Engine ~0~ X2(Sorry Best I Could Do About The Symbol)Dark Tinker X2 Spells:Mind Trust X3Double Summon X3Star Blast X3Swords of Revealing Light Traps:Level Retuner X3Half or Nothing X3Fake Explosion X3Trap Stun Name: AlexAge 15Gender: MaleAppearance: White Skin, Short Brown Hair, Blue eyes, Black T-shirt, Beige Cargo ShortsBio: Alex is a transfer student from America, he feels insecure and has no friends until he meets Akako. He always has hands in his pockets. When he duels he acts nervous and usually makes bad moves. He is extremely lucky.[spoiler= Deck List]Synchros:Colossal Fighter Monsters:Colossal Fighter / Assault ModeBroww, Huntsman of Dark World X3 Caius the Shadow Monarch X3 Cyber DragonDark Resonator X2 Goldd, Wu-Lord of Dark World X3 Gorz the Emissary of Darkness Krebons X2 Morphing Jar Sangan Sillva, Warlord of Dark World X2 Spells:Allure of DarknessBrain ControlCard Destruction Card of Safe Return Dark World Dealings X3 Dark World Lightning X3 Heavy Storm Monster Reborn Lightning VortexDouble SummonAssault Teleport Traps:Bottomless Trap Hole X3 Dimensional Prison X3 Mirror Force Dark Mirror Force X3Torrential TributeTrap Stun [spoiler=Prologue]"How is the boy?""He is performing as we expected, the X - Lr8 Prototype is running perfectly.""Good." Meanwhile... "Summon, Road Synchron!" Shouted Tomi"Now attack his mad archfiend!" Tomi --- 1800 LP / Akako --- 200 LP "I end.""I use Monster Reborn, come back Mad Archfiend. I place two face downs. End." said Akako"Now Road Synchron, Tune with Quillbolt Hedgehog and Speed Warrior!Synchro Summon, Road Warrior! Now attack Mad Archfiend..."Road Warrior, ATTACK!""When Mad Archfiend is selected as an attack target he is switched to defense mode." Tomi --- 1800 LP / Akako --- 200 LP "Damn! Well I use Road Warrior's effect, come to me Nitro Synchron!""My turn, I place one card face down, Next I'll activate Pandemonium, I end with Dessrook Archfiend.""Attack, Road Warrior!""Sorry but I activate Mirror Force.""What...What?"My turn, I reveal Foolish Burial, I send Imprisoned Queen Archfiend to the graveyard, Next I play Terrorking Archfiend and raise his attack to 3000. Attack, Nitro Synchron." Tomi --- 1800 - 2700 = -900 LP / Akako --- 200 LP "I win""You did well Mr. Shinigami." Said Mr. Yamato"This is why you shouldn't use a copied deck Tomi.""Yes sir." Frowned Tomi"Tomorrow’s duel will be Ichiro Aname and Alex Moore."Alex looked up in surprise."Looks like, we're dueling!" Said Ichiro in excitementIchiro extended his arm as a sign of friendship. Alex looked shocked and turned his head down."Fine be that way!" Later... "Can you believe that guy! Oh here's an Archfiend General."Ichiro throws the card at Akako."Here, I'll give you a SKY FIRE.""Cool, thanks.""You should let it go, he most likely didn't talk to you because he doesn't know Japanese.""Yeah but "I" spoke English!""He might just be shy, after all he did just come from America.""I know, I know.""I wonder if people in America can duel?""We'll soon find out." The Next Day... "Alright lets get down to business class." Said Mr. Yamato"Let the duel between Ichiro Aname, and Alex Moore... Begin!"I'll go first." Said IchiroHe draws six cards."I activate Star Blast! This lets me drop one level off a monster in my hand and I choose Summon Reactor - SK, next I'll summon him. I'll end with two face downs."Alex draws"I play Broww, Huntsman of Dark World in attack mode. Next I use Brain Control." Ichiro --- 8000 LP / Alex --- 8000 - 800 = 7200 LP "I take control of summon reactor. Now both attack.""Not so fast, I activate Half or Nothing!""I choose half." Ichiro --- 8000 - 1700 = 6300 LP / Alex --- 7200 LP "My turn! Summon Reactor come back."Ichiro Draws"I summon Spell Reactor RE, next I'll use double summon to summon Trap Reactor Y Fi. Now I use Summon reactor's special ability special summon Flying Fortress SKY FIRE!" _____________________________________________________________To be continued in Chapter 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Put more effort into it.Could be MUCH longer.When you post the first chapter, I would like it if I could reveiw it first, thank you very much Crystal Beast/Weather Report/Keundo Fish/Rinne. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red.Dragon.Archfiend Posted July 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Don't worry, currently chapter 1 is 1 1/2 pages long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 On my story, the PROLOUGE is over 2 pages long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red.Dragon.Archfiend Posted July 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Good for you. (When did this become a contest?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 1-Get rid of the Characters list.2-It never was.3-Say hello to the blobs for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red.Dragon.Archfiend Posted July 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 1. Why2. It was a joke (sheesh!)3. WTF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 1-It just proves you can't introduce you characters properly2-Don't state the obvious. It's my thing.3-You know, Tomi. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red.Dragon.Archfiend Posted July 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 1. Well sorry I wanted to give people some stuff to go on. (They have a lot more depth then you think that's why I put those guide lines.)2. YOUR thing is not my thing3. Tomi is not a main character if you read the top you would know that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 1-It's better if you put them on after being properly introduced2-It's my thing. Deal.3-Tomi the blob is not on the list. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red.Dragon.Archfiend Posted July 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 1. That doesn't make sense if their introduced already, why introduce them again?2. Your thing does not apply on my post.3. Exactly that's why he is only around in chapter 1! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 2, 2009 Report Share Posted July 2, 2009 Woah, woah, WOAH. Guys, take it to the pms. I'll let KaiKae review it first, as asked, but your prologue is too short to properly evaluate. And usually when writing a story, try to make the first chapter 10 pages or so. A story I'm writing right now has a 30-page chapter(when written into a notebook with my handwriting). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted July 3, 2009 Report Share Posted July 3, 2009 Put more effort into it.Could be MUCH longer.When you post the first chapter' date=' I would like it if I could reveiw it first, thank you very much Crystal Beast/Weather Report/Keundo Fish/[b']Rinne[/b]. Woah, woah, I get put last!? Just because of that slander, I'm reviewing the prologue, RIGHT NOW. -First, any Japanese name that ends in "-ko" is almost always a girl's name. Not the best thing for a male character. Also, where's their last names? They aren't orphans, are they? It's kinda difficult to match up first and last names. Fix it.-You have some odd habits with dialogue and the text that follows. If you are using spoken text and the word that immediately follows it is a verb, never end the dialogue with a pyramid period. Always use a comma instead, or exclamation/question marks if need be.-You lack all description in your story. Don't say that you put it in your character description, because that means you're too lazy to describe them IC. They only talk, too; why don't they think about the situation, or even stop to admire (coughDESCRIBEcough) the scenery? It's incredibly boring the way it is now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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